Burning In Hell

I’m sure you’ve had the same thing happen to you, well sort of. I wanted to wake up but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to dream, but I did. I knew I was in bed and Sunny was still wrapped around me. That is until I opened my eyes.

I was suddenly outside, sitting on the ground. I looked around and saw I was in my favorite place in a screwed up world. The triple canopy of the jungle broke over the banks of the river, just as I remembered it. It was the smell of the water that made me think this was real. Hundreds of miles of human and animal waste flowing past me, and into the sea. It was the same water that everyone drank and bathed in. I looked at the camouflage clothes I wore. They were the same ones I wore my second tour.  What I didn’t know was why I was here.

“Father Pierre would tell you, your soul is in confusion, Big Chief.”

The voice startled me but I didn’t turn around. I recognized the voice but I knew this wasn’t real.

“You can talk out loud if you want. You’re not really awake, you know. You’re in our house in North Carolina, mon amour.”

She called me, my love? With those few words, I missed her more now than I ever did. “Our house?”

“The one you’re living in now. You told the man that sold it to you, that your wife would have loved it.”

I knew the person behind me had died years ago and I also knew I shouldn’t look. I should just wake up and forget all of this. “I never said that,” I whispered to someone I’d lost. The temptation was too great, I finally had to turn around. 

Ha’ng looked just like she did the last time I saw her. Her ever present smile was there. Her dark almond shaped eyes and the brilliant white irises. She still had the uniform on from the missionary school. It was a faded orange skirt and white blouse. “I don’t know, then. This is kind of new to me, you might have thought it.”

It never crossed my mind to ask why she was talking as if she was raised in Eastern North Carolina instead of the central coast of South Vietnam. “We weren’t even married Ha’ng.”

“We should have been. We would have except for...” It almost seemed that she didn’t want to continue. I could see a little worry behind her smile.

I had to stop her. This wasn’t the way I wanted to remember her. “Love, please don’t do this. What are you doing here? The last time I saw you, you were getting ready to go to the Catholic school in DaNang.”

My first true love stood and twirled for me, just like she did before. The hem of the pale orange skirt rose from her knees almost to her waist. Her skinny brown legs spun around and around as the material lifted upward. Just as quick as she started, she stopped. 

Then she looked at me. It wasn’t the same girl looking back at me. She looked the same, on the outside, but older in some ways. “I’ve always been here, Gene. Ever since that day, we first met, I’ve been right here.” She pointed to the dirty river flowing by us. “They may have killed my body but you’ve kept me in your heart and your soul all these years. I’m here because of you.” 

Even though she had gone to a Catholic mission school she was a Buddhist, just like everyone in her village was. “You don’t believe in a soul, Ha’ng. What happened to your reincarnating into a new life?”

For the first time in this bizarre dream, there was no smile. “I don’t think I’ve gone on, mon amour. You are holding part of me here. You can’t let me go because of Nirodha, you know, the need to help others. You no longer go to the temple and look for the wisdom of Buddha.”

“You can’t go on, because of me?”

“I don’t know, Gene. Perhaps it’s just Karma. All I know is what you know.”

I was confused now. “Ha’ng, mon amour, my love, that was years ago. I haven’t dreamed you in years and never this way.”

“You have my love, many times but you didn’t remember. It’s time to let me go, so I can go on. The doctors you went to treated the symptoms. Only Buddha can treat the cause.”

“So now you’re a shrink now?” I wondered if she understood the word shrink.

“Of course I know the word shrink, Mon amour, I’m inside of you, remember? I guess I’m your conscious.”

“What do you know about my conscious?”

I know yours is very strong. You’re terrified of doing to Jennifer what you did to me. You shouldn’t be. You didn’t hurt me and you gave me great happiness. When the time is right you will be with her and make her as happy as I was.”

For some reason when she mentioned Jen I didn’t get mad at her like I’d been with the others. “If you’re my conscious you know why I can’t be with her?”

“Of course I know, Gene and it makes no difference.” For the first time she was actually pronouncing the G’s not like an R. She really must have been in my head, because she said, “That was pretty cool, huh? I can speak American slang now. You might have to brush up on your French though. I can still pretend that I’m a ‘B’ girl, like we use to play, remember?”

Now I smiled. “Yes, I do, but I don’t think it would be the same thing, now.”

“But you big American sa’lor man,” Her lips may have been in a pout but now her eyes were sparkling. “Hey Big Chief, wan’ta have fun with little girl?” I could see her walking up to me. Ha’ng was swinging, what would have been in a few years, a generous set of hips at me. It was her imitation of one of the hookers that use to hang out on the streets of DaNang. “I real cheap! I almost virgin.”

This was the part were I said, “Little girl, you’re anything but cheap.” Then she would laugh and fall in my lap and kiss me.”

This time it didn’t happen. Ha’ng stood there looking at me, when I didn’t reply, with her old eyes “You’re right, it’s not the same. But there is someone who can make it really good for you. Besides Jennifer, I mean.”

I finally realized that this was more than a dream but less than something that was real. “Don’t do this, dearest, please don’t. Agnes wants something I can’t give her.” Finally she smiled and gave me that raised eyebrow thing. It was one hell of an imitation of what my Jen did. What kind of screwed up dream was this?  “Don’t do that, mon amour, Jen does that.”

“I know, dearest, she learned it from you. Just about like everything else, she knows. You know that’s true but you just don’t want to admit it.” Her eyes bore into mine but I couldn’t read her face.  “I learned from you as well. I learned that there is more to life than a dirty old city in Vietnam or a village made of bamboo and wood. 

“When I became part of you, I felt how deeply you loved me. Even now, years later, you still love me. I know all of your dreams and hopes for us. You know, I would have given you all the babies you wanted. That hurts you when you go shopping with Jennifer and see all the young mothers. I also know your desire to take care of me for the rest of my life. Now you must love others and take care of others. Please let me go.” There was no sadness in her voice because I knew that was the truth. 

My conscious had spoken. I never thought about having an argument with myself and loosing. “I will find someone, but Agnes is, well, different.”

“She isn’t so different from me. She wants the same things I did, remember? She wants security and someone to hold her, when she cries. I don’t know any woman that wouldn’t want someone like you. She’s just older, that’s all, Big Chief.” Then Ha’ng Hai smiled at me. “You said you loved her, and she said she loves you. That’s one hell of a start.” 

I was about to open my mouth when she said, “Don’t say double shit, Gene. In fact, cut back on your cursing. Jennifer already knows too many words. Besides I know what you’re thinking. You really want it to work out between you two.”

I decided to give up. “Alright, I surrender, what should I do?”

Ha’ng looked at me and the smile turned almost into a giggle. “How should I know? I’m your conscious, not your wife or girlfriend; I’ll know when you know.”

“Just remember the poem I taught you. I know you remember the first part. ‘L'arbre était stérile des feuilles mais vous avez apporté un nouveau ressort,’ Remember, dearest?”

The poem was part of the French lessons that she had taught me. When I first came to Vietnam all I had was two years of High School French. After I met Ha’ng, I got very good very quickily. I recited it back to her like I was another seven year old, going into the fifth grade, “The tree was barren of leaves but you brought a new spring.” I remembered every word of the poem, not just the first part. The sadness in my heart matched the sadness on her face. I had forgotten everything learned. I forgot for all the joy she had brought me in those crazy years. All I had remembered was the sadness and anger over her loss. It wasn’t just Ha’ng I needed to remember. Gratitude for everyone in my life.

With that I was alone again by the river. The smells were no longer a distraction. It almost smelled like perfume. The kind that Sunny wore.

 “Good morning, Gene.” She didn’t have the singsong voice I remembered. It was definitely American, definitely female. 

I opened my eyes and looked down, towards my feet, to see Sunny looking at me. Her chin was resting on her folded hands as she rested on top of me.  The tears were gone but so was her smile. “Good morning?” For some reason my ‘conversation’ with Ha’ng was still a little too real. It was fading as most dreams do but this one wouldn’t just go away. 

“It’s almost eight, sleepyhead. I’m afraid breakfast is cereal and coffee.” Was there concern in her eyes? “Are you alright, Gene?”

“Yah, it was just a dream, that’s all. By the way, nice nightgown you’ve got, ma’am.” The excitement of seeing an almost naked blond wiggling on top of me was missing.

Sunny looked down at her work shirt. It was a different one than last night because it was there was a stain on the shoulder, I’d put there years ago. “What, this old thing? I got it from my boyfriend, like?” She tried to pose for me as her chest was on mine. As she spread her arms, her breasts pushed harder on my chest. It was a classic swan dive.

I was starting to feel like my old self. “Looks a lot better on you than him, I bet.” I was relieved that there wasn’t any repeat of the crying and carrying on from last night. “So how many shirts did he give you?”

Sunny bit her lower lip. “Well he really didn’t give them to me. His niece went into his other closet and we sort of divided them up.” 

“Jen has some of my shirts?” I asked. She nodded her pretty head. “What else have you been doing while I’ve been asleep?”

I saw this dark cloud gathering over her head. There was pain on her face as she kneeled again on the bed. “Sunny,” I warned her, “don’t do this again.”

“Don’t worry Gene, I’ve learned my lesson, trust me. I do know how to follow orders. You’re not my master; you’re my part time boyfriend.” There was a tone in Sunny’s voice that tore at my heart. “Jen and I have been talking for the past couple of hours. We talked about you and me, and we talked about you and her. She cares for you a great deal. In fact she really loves you. She just about ripped me a new asshole over the way I was treating you. She knows a lot of adult words and she knows how to use them. I saw jealousy and anger all over her face, Gene. She knows what we’ve been doing, and I think she doesn’t want me around to ruin things for her.”

Now it was my turn to get mad. “How many times to I have to tell everyone that Jen is off limits. There is no way I’d have sex with my niece.” Then I remembered what Ha’ng told me in the dream. On the other hand she reminded me of what lived inside my own heart.  “You’re the one that I want to be with, even if it’s part-time it will have to do but I want more.” I thought I’d said it clear enough. I was wrong as usual.

This time Sunny dropped her eyes towards the mattress. I saw a small smile on her lips but not in her eyes. “You may not have the chance to be her willing partner. She’s not sure about the mechanics of the actual act but Alice did tell her that if you took her virginity you’d probably split her in half and kill her.”

“TRIPLE SHIT! WHY THE HELL DID ALICE TELL HER THAT?” I yelled at her. Suddenly I remembered Ha’ng telling me to cut back on my cursing. Okay mother I’ll try, I thought. 

My outburst didn’t seem to faze her. There was still that smile but now Sunny had the look of someone who knew something no one else did. She was dying to share it with me. “She wanted to scare Jennifer into not doing it and it worked. She may kiss you and hug you but there is no way right now she want’s what you’ve got between your legs anywhere near her.” 

After Jen climbing on my lap last night, I wasn’t so sure that was true “Okay, what else, tell me.” If it lightened Sunny’s mood it ought to be good.

“Alice told her about man juice.” My blond girlfriend was on the verge of outright laughing.

“Come again?” Was my dumb reply.

“Yah, that and splooge, baby batter, cream and a few other names that I’d never heard of before.”

“Why the hell would Alice teach her about that stuff?” I really didn’t know why my ex-girlfriend would want to give my niece a class in Sex Ed.

“She did it to protect you. Alice told Jen that it was toxic and if a preteen girl ever got it on her or in her she might die! Alice told her any boys cum was poison to almost all little girls until they hit puberty and if she wanted to live not to do it, ever. She even made up a story and told Jen she got some on herself once, when she was ten and had to go to the hospital to get it removed. I think Alice really scared the crap out of her.” Sunny’s smile slowly started to disappear. “Gene, Jen is really convinced that she can’t have sex with you till she’s older. The problem is the older she get the more she’ll want you to do something about it.”

I saw flaws in the logic of it but let it pass. Jennifer knew that Gina had sex already with her brother and probably others. The fact her ex-friend wasn’t dead yet might come up but I thought I could explain that. “Okay, what else did you guys talk about?”

Sunny looked at me. I could almost see the wheels turning as she debated whether, or not, to tell me. “Tell me Agnes.”

As I said that I knew she would tell me now. Something about ordering her and calling her by her real name did something to her. I could see her start to sit back on her heels and her hands going to the insides of her thighs. Just as quick she realized what she was doing and moved back to the way she was before. I wasn’t her Dom or her Master and I never would be. I was her part-time boyfriend.

As suddenly as the smile started, it was replaced by sadness.. “The things Jen said were terrible. I tried to tell her she was wrong that I still loved you but not like before. She didn’t believe me becau…because she called me a lying bitch. In all the years I’ve worked no one has ever talked to me like she did. Sunny hesitated, "Except, maybe for Donna and she never really meant it. I’ve never had a seven-year-old cuss me out like she did.” 

I was stunned to say the least. I’d never hit Jen but if I went to her, right then, there would have been a damn good chance I would have. I knew Jen knew words like that, and probably even more, but, even as confused as Sunny was, she wasn’t a liar. Sunny may be crazy, but like Jen said a good crazy.  

“I told her I was leaving and she called me a coward.” Sunny’s eyes were back on the bed. I sat close to her. I was afraid to touch her because I could tell she didn’t want that right now. “Jen said ... She said that I was afraid to love you. She was wrong, I could love you with all my heart, all my life, if you would only let me. But you won’t give me a chance or give me what I need.”

I thought about that hard. I was going to loose her because I would not change.  Could I, would I, change for her? I still didn’t think so.  I almost missed Sunny’s next question.

“Gene, could you take me to the airport?”

“Sure, I can do that. I was planning on taking off your last day here.”

I saw her shoulders slump, just like Alice’s’ did months ago. Then it was a last ditch effort by Alice to get me back but it didn’t work. Now Sunny was doing the same thing. “I didn’t want to get into this, Gene. I didn’t want to be a whiney little bitch when I left. I’m leaving today, Gene. There is a two o’clock leaving for JFK. I can be back in Miami by five tonight if I make it there by noon.”

Suddenly it seemed as if my girlfriend was talking a different language I didn’t understand. It couldn’t be right. “Why this afternoon?”

She still hadn’t raised her head. I saw the tears were still flowing down her cheek. “I know I’m a one hundred and ten per cent submissive. I need a Master, a Dom, like you need food, like you need your niece. I need to submit to a male with a dominant personality. I love the feel of a man’s body knowing that he can do almost anything to me. It’s something I enjoy beyond words. The last days have been wonderful. It felt so good, so right when you took me and made me yours. I was so wrapped up in giving myself to you I forgot who you were. If I can’t find what I want here, I’ll have to look somewhere else.”

“B-B-But what about us?” I asked as I looked at Sunny crying. She was telling me it was over? What the hell had I gotten myself into?

I’ll still be your girlfriend, if that’s what you want, till I find the true Master. I’m still planning on flying Alice to Myrtle Beach the fourth so we’ll be together then. After that”…Sunny gave a shrug…”who knows.”

I touched her under her chin and with one finger lifted her chin. The slightest pressure with the tip of my finger lifted her head. It was then I realized that she would indeed follow every order or suggestion. Just like Ha’ng did so many years ago. Her eyes met mine. “What happens when you find a Master?”

Her eyes were open, looking at me, with tears flowing down her cheeks. Sunny closed her eyes and the tears were transformed into small streams flowing under her chin and falling down her breasts. “I’m his as long as we’re together. I’ve been trying to tell you this. I don’t do things halfway, body and soul, remember?” This wonderful woman closed her eyes for a moment. When she reopened them they shined with moisture and something else. He’ll tell me when, who, and if he wants me to have sex with. He’ll have complete control. Gene, you have to know if and when I get his collar you won’t exist anymore. He’ll be my universe. This will be a memory, that’s all.  My two days here will be just a dream.”

I looked at her and was lost. In my dream Ha’ng said Agnes was mine heart and soul just like she was. I’d never thought about having children before. Would Sunny give me everything; even children? Now she was in my mind. Sunny/Agnes kept on telling me about giving herself body and soul.  

Suddenly she fell forward sobbing into the quilt on the bed. I touched the back of her head and she flinched at my touch. Sunny started violently shaking her head. But, I held it tight. “Please don’t,” she sobbed, "this is hard enough. Please don’t make it any harder than it already is.”

“I’m not going to give you up, Agnes.” I was desperate as I held her neck despite her shaking.

Sunny tried to push herself up. I eased up and let her get back up on her knees. She was still crying. Her eyes were closed. “You’re going to have too, Gene. Let me go home, please?”

Why wouldn’t she look at me? “I don’t want you to find someone else, Agnes.” My heart was sinking as I told her, “I don’t know what we’re going to do but it just can’t end like this. What happened to your commitment to our relationship? You told me you loved me?”

The more I talked, the more the confusion turned to anger. I was stroking the back of her head. My fingers were running through her short blond hair. I thought about all of the things Sunny had told me and how she had acted and reacted. It was almost as if she was two different people. I moved closer to her as I talked to her. Suddenly I was kneeling between her legs. I could feel the smoothness of her thighs as they touched.

“Who are you Sunny?” Now I wanted to hurt her like she was hurting me. “Who are you, really? Are you some guys fuck toy? Or, are you the woman that wants to fly jets all over the world? Do you really love me or do you just want me to be your Master? Which one are you Agnes! What are you?” I tightened my grip on her hair and yanked her head up until her eyes met mine.

Sunny’s eyes went wide with fear, this time there were no tears.  I don’t think she realized until that moment what was living deep inside of me. The nice guy was gone. I didn’t know what I use to be was still there, hiding and saving itself till the right moment. I looked and saw the same fear once before. It was on the faces of those that had murdered my first love. 

Sunny never flinched as I grabbed a fist full of the short hair on the back of her head and pulled. I pulled harder on her hair with all of my strength to get her kneeling upright. Her eyes were closed tight. The only sound in the room was the small gasps coming from her lips. I expected to her to scream and yell at me. I wanted her to curse me but she didn’t. I kept pulling until her back was straight. I knew it hurt but still I pulled. I saw her spread her knees again, this time impossibly wide. Sunny had moved her hands back to the inside of her thighs. Her fingers where moving higher up towards the top of her thighs. Soon her fingers were strumming the edges of her brown pubic hair.

Finally, Sunny recovered from my sudden assault. She blinked those blues eyes and focused them on me. For some reason they seemed clearer and sharper despite all of the crying. “Sir, I‘m all of that and more. This weekend I’ve tried very hard to be the girlfriend and lover you wanted.” 

I could feel myself getting aroused again. I wasn’t into pain or hurting but with her inches from me I could smell the scent of her arousal. Suddenly it hit me, that all of this was turning us both on.

“What do you want from me, Sunny? Why all of the head games this weekend?” Did you think telling me about your life and all the things that happened would make me your Master?” 

Sunny/Agnes was watching the expression on my face. She started jerking her body to escape the grasp I still had on her. “PLEASE NO! I’M SO-O-O SORRY! PLEASE, I LOVE YOU.” Her tears were starting to fall again. “Donna told me I shouldn’t rush it. You weren’t ready to accept me but I need someone so bad. My life has been hell since I left Alex. I’m tired, Gene! I need the control only a Master can give me. I really wanted it to be you.”

I pressed my self against her and felt her heart trying to burst out of her chest. “I’m not your master! I’ve been trying to tell you I’m not that kind of person. You have no idea about my life. I’ve tried to be calm about all this but no more. I was screaming at her, now. You think it’s been hell for you to be here? You have no idea how hard it’s been, having you get as close to me as you have. The reason I’ve never had another girlfriend before or after Alice isn’t because of Jen. I have nightmares, real nightmares, were you have dreams. There’s death and blood in them. The problem is they are real.”

With that I felt all resistance in Sunny crumble. I let go of her and she fell into me and slid over onto the bed. She laid there whimpering as I took her face in my hands. The tightness in her neck and shoulders told the whole story.

I lowered my voice. The anger was gone. “Tell me what happened.” I moved away from her and sat on the edge of the bed. I was afraid I was loosing it again. I was going to that bad place that the VA Hospital told me was all in my head. 

“Alex was more than your boyfriend, wasn’t he Sunny. It wasn’t the flying was it? It wasn’t even the abortion. What was it? Was he your Master? Did you call him your Master of your heart, like you called me? Did he finally get so mad at you that he threw you out like the others? Did you tell him NO, one too many times?” 

Now that the anger was gone. It was being replaced by tiredness in my body. “Tell me what happened.” I moved away from her and sat on the edge of the bed. 

Even with her trembling in fear, Sunny was still there. She hadn’t fled out of the room. She didn’t call for help.  Sunny seemed willing to tell me what I wanted to know.  “Alex was the last one to accept me as his submissive. Everything was good until I became pregnant. He accused me of failing him. In his eyes I was a total failure because of it. When I told him I was going to get an abortion, he went crazy. He said I was his property and I didn’t have the right to do that without his permission. Then he told me I was going to pay for what I did.” 

Sunny moved around to sit next to me. There was enough room between us so that we wouldn’t accidentally touch. “I wasn’t his property, I was his submissive not his slave. There’s a difference and he broke one of the hard and fast rules we had. When he did that, I told him that it was over. I couldn’t trust him anymore. A Dominate/submissive relationship is based on trust. It has to be because the submissive gives the Dom everything and puts her faith in him. Even though I was wearing his collar, I didn’t have any trust in Alex anymore.” 

Sunny kept looking at her feet as she tried to get it all out. “The weekend before I was to go up north for the procedure he got drunk and tied me up. He had this thing in the garage that he used before, on his last submissive. She was into that sort of thing. I saw it in the garage, when I first moved in but it didn’t think too much about it. We had set the rules for our relationship before I accepted his collar. One of the big ones was no beating or whippings. I trusted him to keep his word, as others had. Anyway, it was a cross that he had disassembled and put in the garage. How he got it inside the house, I don’t know. After he bound me, with leather straps he started to beat me. First, he used a paddle across my back and ass. Then he turned me around and used it across my thighs and stomach. When he used a crop I started to scream but he gagged me. It went on for hours. He beat me so bad that the doctors almost refused to terminate the pregnancy.”

I had an empty feeling in my stomach. She was pregnant? Alex beat her pregnant body? A cross she said. She made it sound like it was a piece of furniture. “Agnes, what did this thing look like?” I looked over but she was still lost in her own thoughts. Slowly she turned to look at me.

“Why?”

“Please, just tell me.? Could you describe it?” 

“Describe it? I see it in my sleep. I can still feel the leather straps on my ankles and wrists.” I could tell that she was reliving those moments.

I closed my eyes and imagined instead of straps there was wire around her legs and arms. There were worse things. There always were worse things. I could almost imagine the metal digging into her flesh as she hung there.

“Alex had the giant X framed and braced so he had access to both my front and back,” I heard Sunny say.

I started to drift away. Sunny’s voice faded as I heard a young girl’s scream and begging her tormenters to stop. The rapid fire yelling, both in Vietnamese and French, as her father pleaded for his daughters life. The officer in charge of the Viet Minh unit had other plans. He had gruesome plans for the family who would let an American soil their daughter. I guess love didn’t fit into Uncle Ho’s plans for South Vietnam.

As Sunny described her beating, I heard more screams. Then came the gunfire. Sort bursts that ripped into her body. Then the single shots as Ha’ngs father, mother and baby brother were executed.  I was going to pass out and I knew it. I wanted to lie back because in the back of my mind I knew that if I went forward I’d hit the hardwood floor. For some reason that worried me. I know because I felt myself falling to the floor as I fainted. I missed the rug at the side of the bed. That was the least of my problems.