35
Chapter 1-Jennifer
Allen Wilson

I use to wonder what was so secret that they sealed certain documents for thirty or forty years, and then there are those that won’t ever see the light of day.  What could be so secret, so hurtful that it should be hidden from everyone?  I don’t wonder any more.  Those that I loved in the past are gone.  Those I love now understand, perhaps better than I.  I really don’t care what people think anymore.  Besides who would believe what the last 50 years were like.

I suppose I should start at the beginning, when my life was turned upside down.  My name is Gene McGuire.  I was 36 years old and single at the time this all happened.  Living in the same city where I was born.  I never married, and actually never really looked.  Sure I had dates, girlfriends, and the occasional clean out the top left drawer.  So whoever could leave clean clothes for the long weekend, but serious relationships?  No, Nope, Nada.  I had been working for the same phone company since I got out of the Navy, and had my own house that had a small back yard.  Life was pretty good.  

My brother Gary and his wife, Linda, had a little girl named Jennifer.  I guess that was the popular name that year.  I’ve met about a dozen Jennifer’s in my life.  Brown hair, Hazel eyes that changed color with her moods, and a lower lip that turned into instant pout when things didn’t go her way.  She was a real cute kid.  

Anyway, when the tike started kindergarten, mom got the itch to get back into the workforce (the paying side).  Gary and Linda struggled over it for that whole year.  After school care, reliable help, cost, yada, yada, yada.

Being the older single brother I got a taste of it when I went over to their house for Sunday dinner.  That’s when Jennifer changed from her usual bubbly self to trying to hide under her mashed potatoes and peas.  These discussions, I found out later, was why Jennifer looked forward to, what Linda called, “The Solution”.

Summer came to our part of the country late that first year, between kindergarten and first grade.  BBQ was called for, and seeing as I had the house, and they lived in an apartment, I turned into the master cook for the season.  Their discussions grew more heated as the new school year approached.  I had put in a swing set for Jennifer the Summer before and Linda would drop her off, if I was home, to watch her for a few hours at night and on the weekends.  Thankfully, Jennifer was playing when the light bulb over Linda’s head went off.

“Gene?  Could you watch Jen after she gets out of school?” She asked.  “You get off by four every day and you two like the same things.  Lying on the couch watching cartoons mostly with your eyes closed.  You two even drink out of the same types of glasses.  Jennifer tried to get me to buy some of those horrid jelly jar glasses last week, just like you have.  By the way, what did you do with those nice glasses we got you for Christmas?”

Not exactly the smoothest way to get someone to do something, but that was my sister-in-law.  She actually really liked me back then.  I begged off and told her no bachelor would be caught dead with a six year old running around the house day after day.  Besides, I had a reputation to uphold.

“Reputation?” was the quick reply.  “Your 36, you hardly drink, the last woman you dated was Alice Cunningham last fall, and by all reports you fled when she wanted for you to go with her to Chicago.  Something about visiting the parents over the holidays, if I remember.”

“That wasn’t quite true” I replied.  Trying to defend the male ego.  “She was picking patterns and all that other stuff by Thanksgiving.  And besides have you seen her family?  Straight out of the Addams Family,” I said, referring to one of my top 5 reruns.  Alice wasn’t anything like the little girl on the TV show.  Daddy did, however, look like the butler Lurch.  “Help me here Gary.  Pull your wife’s fangs out of me, before I bleed to death.”  Did I mention I liked Linda to? 

All Gary could do was laugh and say, “Sounds like a plan to me.” While his eyes said better you than me.  “You do have a lot in common with a six year old, and it would help us save up for a house like this some day.  It won’t be for long, just this year.  Just think about it, Okay?”

Well I did and I gave in.  Taking care of Jennifer during the day wouldn’t be any big thing.  Right?  I already watched her a couple of Saturdays a month, and that wasn’t any problem.  Right?  It was only temporary.  Right? 

xXx

“Uncle Gene, I’m home.”  As if I couldn’t tell by the slamming door and five hundred-pound shoes running down the hall attached to a 3’ nothing little girl.  Then came the wailing of the latest song.  Yup! Jennifer was home and I had a headache.  It wasn’t going to go away any time soon.  “Wazza matter, Uncle Gene, headache?”  Concern covered the lovely face and those beautiful eyes turned a deeper shade of brown, before me.  “Stay on the couch and I’ll get a cloth for your eyes.  Did you take aspirin?   I’ll get it.”

“Yes mother, I took aspirin and its going away as we speak.  Besides we have to go out tonight.” Where all seven year olds always so bossy?

 I wondered for the hundredth time how one year changed to two with no end in sight.  

The first year was watching Jen before mom or dad picked her up.  I still had the occasional Saturday, which fine with me.  That was no problem.  Things changed rather fast during second grade.  Gary lost his factory job and started driving OTR trucking.  So he was gone most of the month.  The powers that be at Linda’s new job liked her so much that she was traveling 3-4 days a week as a troubleshooter, more money and a title.  Then they gave me some money to cover her expenses and all the paperwork for Jennifer in case anything happened while they were gone.  

When Jen started spending the night, the second bedroom didn’t seem like enough.  I finally had to clean my junk out of the spare bedroom and move Jennifer in.  Having no decorating taste of my own, Jen and I hit a few stores.  I charged slightly more that the national debt of most third world countries, and soon, the room was a showcase fit for any preteen.  Her Mom did not approve of the decor or the cost, and quickly told me so.  I politely told her it was my money, not hers, and butt out.  It did, however, give Gary and Linda an excuse, when they were home, to start going to the beach on long weekends and such.  Leaving Jennifer with good old Uncle Sucker for weeks at a time.

Jen never complained.  In fact, she seemed to enjoy being with me, more than her parents.  Whenever her mom or dad wanted her to come home, she started to get into that pout, calling her real home as ‘that place’.  But then, I guess, I did too.

So there I was, I enrolled her in second grade, did the open house thing, and went to conferences.  I gave everyone my home, pager, and work numbers in case of emergencies.  For some reason it never crossed my mind to include Jennifer’s parents numbers or their address; not that her parents were in town much.  When Jen had her birthday the year before, I mailed her presents from both of her parents.  If she noticed anything wrong Jen never said anything.  The second year I didn’t.  

Those first few years I had never seen someone so easy to get along with, child or adult.  At first her diet was mostly Mickey D’s and the King, with pizza and Chinese take out the first couple of months.  Being a bachelor I never had learned to cook.  So I tried, and after a few minor fires on the stove, several “what is its'” from Jen and more than a few “Yucks” from both of us, we scraped that idea.  A Julia Childs I would never be.  It was always the little things that were the best.

 Finally I decided that eatable grownup food was in order.  So I introduced her to Chris’s Supper Club.  A nice place, good food and family atmosphere.  The staff there, especially Maggie, made her feel at home.  I think Jen liked the fact that they didn’t talk down to her.  She was willing to try anything off my plate.  If she liked it, she would order it next time.  If not that was okay too.  We ended up every Friday, and a lot of nights in between, at Chris’s ordering fish and chips.  For some reason she liked the malt vinegar, a lot, really strange for a kid, but then so did I.

 Not that it was all bad.  Right now I had a cold compress over my eyes and someone to rub the side of my head easing the stress of the day.  I was contemplating our supper at Chris’s later with an old Navy buddy and his wife, when Jennifer said.

“Uncle Gene?”

“Yes Jen.”

“Do you have a girl friend?” she asked.  Keeping up the steady pressure on my temples.  If the cold cloth hadn’t been over my eyes, I think my eyeballs would have popped out of my head and hit the floor.  “Where in the hell did that come from?” I asked myself.  “I’ve got to go to her school to see what they’re teaching them.”  “No, I don’t, Jen.  Not at the moment.”

Silence filled the house.  Jennifer continued to rub my temples.  Back to normal, so I thought.

“Can I be your girlfriend, Uncle Gene? “ she asked in that little voice I heard ever since she was five.

Okay dummy, now what?  Tread lightly, after all she’s seven years old and really doesn’t know what’s going on.  “I’d like that, but you’re a little young and I’m a little to old” I replied.  A little to old I thought.  Hell I’m going on thirty-seven.  That’s ancient compared to an seven-year-old.

Next thing I know the cloth is off my eyes and the darkest brown eyes are staring at me.  The lower lip is in over pout.  Fists on her hips, looking, for the entire world, like she was ready to do battle.  I’ve seen that look before.  In the words of Commander Scott of the Enterprise, I canna hold her captain.  She’s gonna blow.  Please beam me out of here, 
Scotty, Please, please, please.

“I am not a little girl.  I told Danny I wouldn’t be his girlfriend because he was too gross.  He spits on the floor and does other nasty stuff.  Besides he can’t go to the same places we like to go.  We go to really neat places.  And you’re not to old either.  You got to be almost twenty.  A lot of people are twenty.  Besides Mom says I’m the mature one in this house.”  She seemed to be winding down as my eyeballs started to settle down back in my head.  The pout remained, as did the throbbing in my head.

Note to self: dope slap Linda, I thought as I picked up my Flintstone jelly glass.  I am very mature, for a twenty-year-old.

“Well?” she asked.

“ I don’t know Jen.  The boyfriend/girlfriend thing is a little complicated don’t you think?” I asked, trying to buy some time.

Then she gave me a look I had seen on Linda a dozen times.  The, Someone in this room is retarded and its not me, look.

“You had a girlfriend once Uncle Gene.  Remember Alice what's-her-name?” she asked.  The tension fading in her eyes and the hand started playing with her long hair.  “Alan Morton was my boyfriend last year and we did all sorts of stuff together.”

“She was Alice Cunningham, not what’s her name.”  Kids never seem to forget.  The last time Alices’ name was mentioned was two years ago.  What else did she remember?  “And yes she was my girl friend before you came to stay.  What did you and Alan Morton do” I asked, hoping to change the subject.  I knew Alan and his family.  Something told me that this was one I wasn’t going to win.  But I was still trying to understand the rules.  I didn’t realize there weren’t any.

“You know, kinda of what we do now.  We went to the movies, DQ and shopping with Alan.  His mom drove, he’s not old enough yet.” I was informed.  A vision of a seven-year-old behind the wheel was a very scary thought.  “We listened to music and watched TV and stuff at his house.  Like what we do.”

“I suppose I could be one of your boyfriends and do that stuff”; I was feeling a lot better already.  After all, I hadn’t had a date since I said yes and let Jennifer in my life, two years ago.  Wrong thought.

“And we have to kiss.”

“Huh?” was my eloquent reply.

“You know kiss.  Lips to lips.  Alan and I did it a lot, until her Mom caught us.  You don’t know these things?  What did you and Alice do?”  All three foot nothing starring straight at me.  

What the hell was Alan doing kissing my niece?  Seven years old and if I catch him with Jen there won’t be eight candles on his cake.  I’d be damn if I was going to tell Jen what Alice and I did.  Just thinking about it made me want to go into traction, again.  She was that good.  Time to dodge and weave and not get tangled in the ropes, I thought.  “Anyone can kiss on the lips” I replied on the fly.  “How about I give you a special kiss that only we will know?  Like boyfriend/girlfriend.”

I could see the wheels turning as she mulled over the possibilities.  I had to turn this around or Uncle Gene was going to the big house for kissing on a seven-year-old, or what ever else she had come up with.  “Okay” was her reply.  “I like secrets” as a smile crossed her face.  “Let’s go to supper.”  I was not comforted as I got up.  We never got around to the secret kiss thing.  What ever that was.

xXx

Have you ever though about times in your life that you wish had turned out different?  I’d do anything to start certain parts of my life over.  Not eliminate.  Just a do over.  May 11th that year was one of them.  We were at Chris’s for dinner, as usual, when I lost my appetite.  Jen of course noticed.

“What’s up Uncle Gene, not hungry” Jennifer asked as she picked at the lamb on my plate.  Her tastes were getting more expensive.

“Remember Alice What’s-her-name?”

“ Its Alice Cunningham, Uncle Gene.  Sure, why?”

“She’s in the booth by the wall with three other women”  I didn’t take my eyes off my old girlfriend.  She was even better looking than the last time I saw her.

Jens fork crashed to the plate, slightly disturbing the couple in the next table.  I turned just in time to see Jennifer literally whip her head around so hard I thought it was going to fall off.  “In the blue dress?” she asked scanning the wall.  So much for discreet.

“The blond with the green blouse against the wall,” I replied.  My eyes watching Jen’s for some reaction.

Her eyes narrowed, and grew very dark, almost black, like she was looking for something far away.  It reminded me of looking for fish when I use to take day fishing trips at the ocean.  I learned very quickly that expression was much bigger, and evil.  Like Ahab looking for the white whale.  The Captain was ready with her harpoon.  Finally her eyes softened to light brown.  “She was your girl friend?  She’s pretty!”  Then she looked at me and giggled.  “I know you kissed her!  Are you crazy?  Look at her.  She’s laughs and everything.  My mom never does that much anymore.  If mom looked like that Dad wouldn't.”  Jen looked down at her plate.  The giggles were gone.

“Wouldn’t what Jen” I asked.  I was starting to get an idea why she didn’t want to go home.

“You know.  Mom and Dad don’t kiss anymore.  Dad stays out late a lot even when he’s home.”  Her eyes were on her plate and the little girl voice was starting to break up.  “I’ve heard mom on the phone talking to some guy named Bruce.  They’d talk about things.  She’d giggle, then she’d start crying.”

“Does it happen a lot?”  I didn’t want to really know, but if I was to kill my brother and sister-in-law for what they were putting Jen through I needed to know more.

“All the time.”

A familiar voice broke into the conversation.  “I’m sorry Gene.  I can come back later.”

Jennifer raised her eyes over my shoulder and smiled.  Her eyes still misted over.  “That's okay.  Uncle Gene was making me clean my plate and I didn’t want to.”

“Ya really”  I added.  Great come back for a seven year old.  “We have these conversations all the time here.  Have a seat.  Get you anything?

The confusion covered Alice's face.  I know she thought to herself, Jen and I were heavy into a one sided talk on something.  For a fact, Jen wasn’t a happy camper just then.  She probably thought she would save a little girl from some ugly old ex-boyfriend.  All she really did was spare two undeserving parents their just desserts.  Eventually she did sit, next to Jen, in the booth.  It was her turn to say something.  Anything but what she said.

“Okay Gene.  It’s a surprise to see you here.  Well not a surprise”. Turning to Jennifer,  “Hi, I’m Alice Cunningham.  I use to be Gene’s girlfriend a few years back.  We use to come here about twice a week.  Usually in this booth.”  The last part was directed at me.

The booth, shit, I’d forgotten.  Alice and I would sit here side by side, and while eating, play with each other.  Nothing overt, mind you.  More head games than touching.  We would play just enough to forget about food.  Race over to my place for the rest of the night.  I don’t think we finished half the meals here in the three years we were together.

“I know.  Uncle Gene told me about you.  I’m Jennifer McGuire his…” Just then, she shut up like some one flipped a switch.  “Niece” She finished.  If I’d been at the next table I would have laughed at the Three Stooges act next to me.  Alice had that confused look again.  I was shocked and relieved at the same time.  Jennifer? Well remember Ahab? That harpoon was aimed at me.  Her eyes were black as night.  Suddenly I was afraid; very afraid.

Alice recovered first.  “Nice to meet you Jennifer.  Do you come here often?”

“Once or twice a week” I cut in.  Alice looked at me again.  Jennifer was having trouble aiming her harpoon at my heart.  Her eyes were still coal black.  “Would you like some dessert,” I asked.

“No thanks Gene.”  Now she smiled.

Finally, Jennifer turned to Alice.  Oh shit.  “Uncle Gene said you live in Chicago?”

“I do.” Alice looked at both of us.  Jens eyes weren’t as dark as a moment ago but She still had that harpoon somewhere.  “I work for my Dad at his agency, “Gomez and Lurch Inc.”  It’s an inside joke.  We have a contract for the summer concert series at the state fair here.  So I’ll be here till the end of September.  Maybe even start setting up a branch office.”

Jennifer’s eyes changed back to hazel almost instantly.  The harpoon was put away for now, “The one with the Beach Boys?”

“Yes.  As a matter of fact I’m flying to California tonight to work out the final details with their people.”

“I love the Beach Boys.  So does Gene.”  She started gushing.  “We have all their records at home.  I just love Brian and Dennis.”

“I know, I bought some of them.  All he had was Elvis and Jerry Lee Lewis when we met.  Not my kind of romantic music.”  Somehow the last part seemed like an after thought.  It was the wrong thought.

Jen was a seven year old suddenly playing in the Girlfriend Big League for the first time.  The problem was she didn’t know it.  Her eyes started turning dark again.  The two had their eyes locked on each other.  “We like Elvis, don’t we Uncle Gene?”  Double shit.

Yes we do Jen.”  Time to end this.  Alice might not like it but, fuck her, or not.  That thought brought a smile to my lips.  For the very first time I saw defeat in Alice's eyes.  She added two plus two and came up with one hundred and eighty four to the twentieth power.  She didn’t like the answer.  

Alice leaned into the table and of course Jen and I did too.  “Your fucking her aren’t you?  You’re having sex with a little girl! How could you!”  Alice whispered.  Anger mixed in.  Lots of anger.

Jen pulled back, confused.  Then she started blushing all the way to her toes.  All I heard as her head hit the table was “Yuck!”  Half the room turned around for that one.  That was one way to end the conversation.

Now it was Alice’s turn, confusion, blushing and not quite a whisper.  “Shit.  Jen I’m sorry.  I thought…  You know… Sex and all..  Gene help me here before I slit my wrists.  Jen I’m really, really sorry.  Double Shit,” she said.

“Jennifer is staying with me and has been for over two years,” I explained.  “Her mom and dad work out of town.  I wouldn’t/couldn’t do that to Jen.  I don’t know where you got the idea anyway.  Besides jail and horizontal stripes aren’t for me.  You know that.”  I really did know but the look on Alice's face was priceless.  Three can play this game.  Welcome to GBL Alice.

Then came the home run, the kill.

It was quiet for awhile.  Finally, Jen raised her head and looked at Alice.  Her eyes were dark again.  Captain Ahab was out and running free.  

“Uncle Genes MY boyfriend now.  I’m his girlfriend, not you.  She whispered just loud enough for us to hear.  I’ll be eight on July fourth.  Gene arranges for fireworks on my birthday every year.  We laugh, go to movies, shopping, watch TV and eat here.  We go to the beach during the summer and go on the rides and play in the water.  He even took me to the mountains and went skiing last winter.  We laughed when we fell down in the snow.  He protects me, helps me with my homework and wouldn’t let anyone hurt me, not even you.  I love him more than my mom and dad.”  Then she threw the harpoon.  "He doesn’t fuck me.  I don’t have to do anything to be his girlfriend, Wednesday.  Yuck!”  Her head hit the table again.  

After digesting all that, Alice looked at Jen and me.  “God, I really feel like shit now.”  Her hands covered her face.  “Jen all I wanted to do was come over here and see if Gene was interested in getting together later.  I don’t know what's been going on in his life the past three years but he’s really a great guy.  We had lots of fun too.  We even did some of the things you guys do now.  There were tears in her eyes.  I felt like a shit.  I’m going to the hotel and pack.  If there’s any thing I could do to erase the last 10 minutes I would.  Why did I come over here? I’m so sorry Gene.  I’m sorry Jen, really, really sorry.  She started to get up.

A seven year old bullying a thirty year old, what the hell had I done?“  Alice sit down, please!”  Both heads popped up as I composed myself.  Time to wing it.  They were both right I was a nice guy.  I just had this nasty streak in me, sometimes.  Now was time to make things right, I hope.

“Look.  I don’t know what just happened but we have a problem.”  Jen, looking at Alice, had daggers in her eyes.  Alice was ready to run out of the door.  Not good.  I put my hand on Jennifer's.  She looked at me.  “I told you, you are my girlfriend, Jennifer McGuire.  You make me laugh in the morning.  This has been the best two years of my life.  But please don’t say fuck.  You’re in the second grade.”  Not that she sounded like it after that blast aimed at Alice.

“You say, shit and she said double shit and suck.” 

“I’m 38 years old, and sometimes I forget, I’m sorry.  Besides Alice is a little upset now.  But please calm down and let me talk.”  Females of all ages have this ability to put me on the defensive.  Time to switch back to offense.  “I am your boyfriend, Jennifer McGuire.  I don’t care what people think.  I don’t care if your eight or eighty.  You can marry anyone, Alan, Danny, or the man in the moon and you’d still be my girlfriend.  Do you know the difference between loving someone and being in love?”  I had Jens attention now.

“No.”  Her eyes were slowly changing back to light brown.  Not hazel, yet, but close.

“I love Alice”  Jens eyes darkened again.  Talk fast guy.  “But I’m not in love with her.  We had fun together, and, I hope, still like each other.  We can be together a lot but its not the same as being in love.”

“Do you love me?”  That was a question that should have been asked by someone three times her age.  I was learning more and more about my three foot sixty five pound girlfriend.  

“A lot, but you can only be ‘in’ love with one.  That’s you.” was my reply.

“And that’s me” she asked.  The most beautiful hazel eyes were looking back at me.  Swing sets in the backyard seemed far away right then.

“Yes.”

I looked over at poor Alice.  She was sitting back stunned.  I looked at her.  “I love you, as a dear friend and lover from the past and I hope in the future.”

Alice looked at both of us and raised her hands in surrender.  “I can live with that.  Hell I have to.”  Glancing at Jen but returning to me.  “Sorry for swearing Jennifer, but this isn’t quite what I had in mind for tonight.  I really have to go and pack for my flight.  I’ll be back next week, can I call you then Gene?”

I looked over to Jennifer.  She was slumped in her chair watching both of us.  “Your my girlfriend and live in the same house, can she?”

Suddenly she looked like the terrified seven-year-old she was.  Her first relationship decision and it was about someone she just finished telling she couldn’t get a date without fucking.  I don’t know if that was in the decision, I didn’t ask.  “I guess its okay,” was the reply.

Eventually we all got up and left.  No kisses or handshakes, just a goodbye and I’ll call.

There was silence on the ride home.  Jen went to her room in continued silence; no good night or anything.  I didn’t know if she was still shocked or really pissed at me.  I wanted to talk but didn’t know were to start.  I was sitting on the couch with my feet up watching the late news when Jen came back in.  She stood in front of the couch put her pillow on my lap then laid down.  This was her usual position for TV watching and napping.  It was later than usual but I was so wound up I couldn’t sleep.  It must be a hundred times worse for a seven year old.

I thought she had fallen asleep when she said.  “Uncle Gene?”

“Yes Jen.” I was half-asleep.

“What's fucking?”

That woke me up.