HEROES
by Frank Downey
\pard Part Four
--EIGHTEEN--\b0
We were both crying. \ldblquote Oh, God, Oh, God,\rdblquote I kept wailing.
Sam. Not sweet, scared Sam. I just couldn\rquote t believe it.
I thought he was getting better. I thought he was happier. I thought Zoe....oh SHIT!!
\ldblquote ZOE!\rdblquote I said to Shannon. \ldblquote Does Zoe know?\rdblquote
\ldblquote I don\rquote t know. I don\rquote t see her until tomorrow. I just found out. I knew you were coming in but I was going to call the rest of the group.\rdblquote
\ldblquote You need to call Zoe now, before she finds out some other way. And you need to get her in here. Don\rquote t tell her over the phone--or we\rquote re going to lose her as well.\rdblquote Shannon just looked at me. \ldblquote Shannon, Zoe and Sam went out Saturday. On a date. Zoe even gave him his first kiss. She called me Sunday and told me it was wonderful. She really liked him.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh, God,\rdblquote Shannon said, and quickly reached for the phone. She got Zoe on the phone, and then her mother. They were on their way.
\ldblquote Ginny, can you stay for this? I think Zoe might need a friend.\rdblquote
\ldblquote OK,\rdblquote I said, dreading it but not willing to duck out. \ldblquote This is just--I\rquote m in shock.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I know you are. Ginny, the statistics aren\rquote t pretty.\rdblquote
\ldblquote What do you mean?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Between forty and fifty percent of kids who try suicide will try it again. That\rquote s the grim reality,\rdblquote Shannon said. \ldblquote When I sat down with the five of you in group, I knew the odds are high that two of you will try again. And the odds of succeeding are far higher for boys. Did you know that ten times as many girls attempt suicide as boys? It\rquote s true--but boys are have twice the fatalities.\rdblquote She sighed. \ldblquote And Sam, unfortuately, is a good example of why. Boys are far far more likely to use a gun.\rdblquote
\ldblquote That must be depressing as hell, for you I mean.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Therapy helps the odds,\rdblquote she said. \ldblquote But Sam is not the first patient I\rquote ve lost, nor will he be the last. That doesn\rquote t make it any easier, mind you. It\rquote s like any doctor--you don\rquote t want to lose any patients. But you do.\rdblquote
Just then, Zoe walked in. \ldblquote Hey, Shannon. Hi, Ginny. What\rquote s up?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Sit down,\rdblquote Shannon said. Zoe did, planting herself next to me, in the second chair facing Shannon\rquote s desk. \ldblquote Zoe, there\rquote s no easy way to say this,\rdblquote Shannon said gently. \ldblquote Sam killed himself this morning.\rdblquote
I have never seen a person\rquote s face look the way Zoe\rquote s did at that moment--and I hope I never ever have to see it again. Heartbreaking doesn\rquote t even start to cover it. I can\rquote t describe it. It was horrific.
She just crumpled. Her mouth was moving but no sound was coming out. Her eyes looked like they\rquote d seen a ghost. It was just---God. God damn.
Shannon and I got her out of the chair and over to the couch. We practically had to carry her. When we got over there I just pulled her into my arms and hung on for dear life. That\rquote s when the wails came--deep, pitiful wails. I could barely stand it. Shannon was bawling her eyes out and making sure Zoe didn\rquote t see. It didn\rquote t matter--Zoe wasn\rquote t in the room, really, not mentally. She was off in hell somewhere.
God damn it. A fifteen-year-old kid shouldn\rquote t have to go through this. None of us should--Sam most of all.
I guess her mother heard the wails and peeked her head in the door. The poor lady, seeing Zoe completely fall apart like that. Shannon pulled her back out into the hall, apparently explaining what had happened.
Her Mom came back in, crying as well. Zoe had told me her mom had been a real trouper, putting up with Zoe\rquote s scattered mental state and doing her best to get Zoe the help she needed. The poor woman--just when Zoe\rquote d gotten the right meds and was making progress, now this.
Zoe calmed down a bit after a while. She sat on the couch, me on one side of her, her mother on the other, holding her hands. \ldblquote I thought I helped him. I thought it helped,\rdblquote she half-whispered.
\ldblquote The date?\rdblquote Shannon asked.
\ldblquote No. Well, I know that helped. We both had a good time. I talked to him Sunday and he was happy. We both were. We were planning the next date.\rdblquote She sniffled. \ldblquote I\rquote m talking about yesterday, when he called me. I thought I helped.\rdblquote
\ldblquote What happened yesterday?\rdblquote Shannon asked.
\ldblquote He called me last night. He went into school yesterday morning. He told me it was the best mood he\rquote d been in going to school in forever.\rdblquote Her voice got laced with bitterness. \ldblquote Evidently, some asshole didn\rquote t like seeing Sam happy, because he got the shit kicked out of him. Again.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh, shit,\rdblquote I hissed.
\ldblquote Black eye, bloody nose, the whole bit. He didn\rquote t even go to the nurse--just went home. Hid the damage from his parents. But he called me.\rdblquote
Zoe took a breath. \ldblquote I told him. I told him to report these assholes, but he was scared to. But I told him it was OK. I told him I\rquote d help him.\rdblquote Her voice dropped again, and the tears started back up. \ldblquote I told him they didn\rquote t know what they were missing. I told him how cool he was. I told him how much I liked him.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I thought he was OK. Oh, God, I thought he was OK......\rdblquote The wailing started up again.
Shannon looked at her, then came over to me and asked me to wait out in the waiting area for a bit. I did so, feeling lost and upset.
And \b pissed\b0 . Those bastards. They ruined a smart, sensitive, sweet kid. They did it. The ones that tormented him. Bastards.
After a while, Zoe and her mom came back out. Zoe could barely walk. Shannon called me back in.
\ldblquote I\rquote m having Zoe admitted to the hospital. For observation, at the very least,\rdblquote she told me.
\ldblquote Not a bad idea,\rdblquote I agreed.
\ldblquote Unfortunately, this isn\rquote t atypical,\rdblquote Shannon said. \ldblquote What happened to Sam. The problem with happy moments when you\rquote re recovering from a suicide attempt is that it magnifies the low moments so much more.\rdblquote
\ldblquote In other words, you have further to fall,\rdblquote I said.
\ldblquote Exactly. I didn\rquote t say that to Zoe, because if I did she\rquote d start blaming herself. And she\rquote s not to blame.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I know. Damn. I\rquote m worried about Zoe.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yes. But how are \b you\b0 ?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Depressed. Sad. Very pissed off.\rdblquote
\ldblquote At the people tormenting him,\rdblquote she said.
\ldblquote Yes.\rdblquote
\ldblquote That\rquote s not a bad thing, Ginny, if you use it the right way.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Right now it feels like it\rquote s going to eat me up inside,\rdblquote I admitted.
\ldblquote Don\rquote t do anything destructive, Ginny. Should I admit you as well?\rdblquote
\ldblquote No,\rdblquote I said. I managed to get off a bit of a sad grin. \ldblquote I think I\rquote m just going to go find my boyfriend and get a cuddle.\rdblquote
\ldblquote That\rquote s a damn good idea,\rdblquote she said.
That\rquote s what I did. I called Mom from my cell phone. She was upset of course, and told me she\rquote d be heading right home to meet me there. \ldblquote Well, actually, Mom, I think I\rquote m going to go find Craig first,\rdblquote I said sheepishly.
\ldblquote Of course you are,\rdblquote she laughed. \ldblquote I\rquote ll be here anyway.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Thanks, Mom.\rdblquote
I got to Craig\rquote s house. His mother answered the door.
\ldblquote Hello, Ginny. You look awful!\rdblquote Then she gulped. \ldblquote I\rquote m sorry, that sounded horrible. You look upset, though.\rdblquote
\ldblquote It\rquote s been a bad day. Is Craig here?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yes, he is. Come on in and I\rquote ll go get him.\rdblquote
He came downstairs. \ldblquote Ginny! I didn\rquote t expect to see you this afternoon.\rdblquote Then he saw my face. \ldblquote Honey, what\rquote s wrong?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Come sit with me,\rdblquote I said. He sat next to me on the couch, and immediately wrapped his arm around me. His mother was there, as was his sister. \ldblquote I don\rquote t know if Laurie needs to hear this,\rdblquote I said.
\ldblquote It\rquote s OK. I\rquote ll listen. Even if it\rquote s bad. You look awful,\rdblquote she said. In other words, in her awkward 13-year-old way, she was offering to help--which touched me like you wouldn\rquote t believe.
\ldblquote OK. It\rquote s about Sam. He\rquote s a kid in my group therapy. He was the one that went to the same school as Craig and I, though he was a sophomore.\rdblquote I took a breath. \ldblquote This morning he found a gun and blew his brains out.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh, God,\rdblquote Mrs. Tolland gasped. Laurie turned as white as a sheet. Dear sweet Craig just pulled me closer into him. God, I needed that.
\ldblquote The worst part is it never should have happened,\rdblquote I said. I told them the whole story, about Zoe, the date, the beating, all of it.
\ldblquote My God,\rdblquote Mrs. Tolland said. \ldblquote It still amazes me that kids can be that cruel.\rdblquote
\ldblquote They can be, believe me,\rdblquote I said.
\ldblquote How\rquote s Zoe?\rdblquote Craig asked.
\ldblquote A complete mess,\rdblquote I said. \ldblquote Shannon had her admitted to the hospital for observation. At least there she\rquote ll be watched over.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yeah,\rdblquote Craig said sadly. \ldblquote I\rquote ll make sure I check in on her when I do my food rounds tomorrow.\rdblquote
\ldblquote That\rquote d make me feel better,\rdblquote I admitted. \ldblquote Zoe Watchell is her name. Just say you\rquote re Ginny\rquote s Craig, I talk about you enough, she\rquote ll know.\rdblquote
\ldblquote That must have really scared you,\rdblquote Laurie said. I just looked at her. \ldblquote I mean, Sam, he had a...what do you call it? I mean if someone goes backwards?\rdblquote
\ldblquote A relapse?\rdblquote I surmised.
\ldblquote Yeah. He had a relapse. That must\rquote ve really scared you.\rdblquote
Damn, this kid was smart! And sympathetic, too. Little eighth grader--unbelievable. \ldblquote It did a little,\rdblquote I told Laurie. \ldblquote But I\rquote m in a better place than Sam was and I know it.\rdblquote
\ldblquote That\rquote s good,\rdblquote she said, standing up out of her chair. \ldblquote My brother really loves you, you know.\rdblquote And if her saying that wasn\rquote t enough of a shock, she came over to the couch and hugged me. \ldblquote I\rquote m sorry about your friend,\rdblquote she said--and then walked out of the room.
Everybody watched her go. Then I pointed in the direction she\rquote d gone and said, \ldblquote\b That\b0 is one of the coolest people in the universe.\rdblquote Craig turned and looked at me. \ldblquote You are really lucky to have a little sister that awesome. I hope you tell her that.\rdblquote
He blinked, and said, \ldblquote Not enough. Not nearly enough.\rdblquote And then he scrambled off the couch and headed in the same direction Laurie had.
\ldblquote Right, there\rquote s my good deed for the day,\rdblquote I told Mrs. Tolland--I even managed a bit of a grin with it.
\ldblquote Yes it was,\rdblquote she agreed. \ldblquote They actually get along very well for siblings, but they can use a push now and again.\rdblquote
After Craig came back in the room, he offered to go to my house with me. We drove over in my car. \ldblquote I went and told Laurie how cool she was, and that that was from you and me, and she almost started blubbering.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Good,\rdblquote I said. \ldblquote That kid should think about becoming a shrink when she grows up, you know.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Hm. You might be right about that.\rdblquote
\ldblquote She\rquote s got good insight. I just hope she wasn\rquote t too shaken up.\rdblquote
\ldblquote She\rquote s a pretty cool cucumber about stuff. She\rquote s worried about you, though, I know that much.\rdblquote
\ldblquote All these people worried about me. I\rquote m really not used to it.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Is that good or bad?\rdblquote
\ldblquote It\rquote s good,\rdblquote I said. \ldblquote I guess I like being worried over. At least at this point in my life.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I try not to be overbearing,\rdblquote he said.
\ldblquote You\rquote re not at all,\rdblquote I assured him.
I guess that little conversation stuck with me, though. I don\rquote t know if I got suspicious, but it did seem like a whole lot of people were worried about me, and awfully suddenly.
Like Mom, waiting there for me when I got home. I even got another big hug. After I\rquote d told her the whole story, and Craig got up to use the facilities, I said something.
\ldblquote I\rquote m glad you\rquote re here, Mom. Surprised, but glad.\rdblquote She laughed a little. \ldblquote You\rquote ve been surprising me for a couple months now. Don\rquote t think I\rquote m looking a gift horse in the mouth, mind you, but it\rquote s like living with a different person. Sometimes I don\rquote t know how to take it.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Well, it\rquote s what I told you. You scared the shit out of me.\rdblquote She took a breath. \ldblquote Call it a wake up call. Call it a slap in the face. Whatever--that\rquote s what it was. You got a drastic turnaround because I didn\rquote t feel I had a choice. I didn\rquote t tell you this but after that first meeting in the hospital with Shannon--well, I came here. After court, and my court appearance was thankfully brief. I came here. And I cried for an hour straight.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh, Mom,\rdblquote I said.
\ldblquote Something in my head said, \lquote Change or lose your daughter. It\rquote s that simple.\rquote I chose not to lose my daughter.\rdblquote
\ldblquote It\rquote s not all you, though. It was never all you. I mean, Sam never talked about having any problems with his parents--and he did it.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I know it wasn\rquote t all me, Ginny, but I also know I wasn\rquote t helping. Are you OK?\rdblquote
\ldblquote As OK as I\rquote m gonna get, today, anyhow,\rdblquote I said with a wan smile. \ldblquote Dammit, I\rquote m going to miss him,\rdblquote I said. \ldblquote I liked him.\rdblquote
\ldblquote In a lot of ways, he was kind of a kindred spirit, wasn\rquote t he?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yeah.\rdblquote
\b --NINETEEN--\b0
Craig stayed with me for a good while that night. I really appreciated it.
Shannon called. The wake was Thursday, the funeral Friday. The wake would be right after group Thursday, so she proposed we all go together after group. I agreed. Of course, \lquote all\rquote was just three of us now, plus Shannon. Zoe would probably still be in the hospital. And Sam was gone.
I slept, although fitfully. Got up the next morning and trudged to school.
And found myself in the middle of a zoo.
The media was there. The freakin\rquote media! Of course, I should\rquote ve expected it. Why on earth would a kid in a wealthy town like ours attending a \lquote great\rquote school like ours ever want to kill himself? Just that there made it a \lquote story\rquote . Fucking vultures.
\line What was worse was all the kids wailing and crying. Jesus Christ, did they want to get on fucking TV \b that\b0 badly? It made me sick. And, of course, the vultures with the microphones ate it up with a spoon. The Six O\rquote Clock News would be filled with all kinds of reactions from Sam\rquote s distraught \lquote friends\rquote . Of course, that ignores the little fact that Sam \b had\b0 no friends. The closest thing he had to a friend in this school was me. And the one time I had a microphone thrust in \b my\b0 face, I threatened to shove it up the guy\rquote s ass.
When I got in the school building, it got worse.
Instead of class, they had us all attend an assembly. To \lquote discuss\rquote the tragedy. Counselors were available to help any distraught \lquote friends\rquote of Sam, of course.
It all pissed me off like you wouldn\rquote t believe.
When we got into the auditorium and were getting seated, I found Eggy. \ldblquote Mr. Egermont,\rdblquote I called him deliberately, \ldblquote I\rquote d like to get up and speak at this thing.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Did you know Sam?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yes, I did. We were in group therapy together.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Is that what you want to talk about?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Sort of.\rdblquote
\ldblquote What does sort of mean?\rdblquote
I took a breath and told him the truth. \ldblquote Mr. Egermont, I think there are some people in this room that need to hear a few hard truths.\rdblquote
He thought about it, and said, \ldblquote No singling out.\rdblquote
\ldblquote In a lot of cases, I wouldn\rquote t even know who to single out--not by name, anyhow.\rdblquote
He looked at me. \ldblquote How are you, by the way?\rdblquote
\ldblquote OK. All things considered.\rdblquote I took a breath. \ldblquote Sam had a date this weekend, his very first, with another girl that\rquote s in our group. And \b she\b0 is in the hospital, under observation. I was there when she was told--I think \lquote nervous breakdown\rquote would be accurate.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh, God,\rdblquote he hissed. \ldblquote OK, Ginny, say what you have to say.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Thank you.\rdblquote
He talked, and they had one of the shrinks talk, and there was all kind of sniffling and whimpering from Sam\rquote s poor heartbroken classmates. It disgusted me.
Craig sat next to me. I told him what I was going to do. Told Angela, too, who was on the other side. Craig hugged me and Angela squeezed my hand.
Finally, Eggy called me up there.
\ldblquote My name is Virginia Klusse,\rdblquote I started. \ldblquote I\rquote m a junior here. And I wanted to talk to you about Sam, because, two months ago, I attempted to do what Sam did yesterday.\rdblquote And I showed my wrists.
\ldblquote When you try to kill yourself, naturally they put you in therapy. In my case, I\rquote m in one-one therapy and a group session, with other suicide survivors. That\rquote s where I met Sam, in group. He\rquote d tried suicide before as well, a few weeks before I did.
\ldblquote So, I got to know Sam pretty well. He was very shy, even in group, but I got a good idea of him.
\ldblquote There are many reasons for attempting suicide as there are people who try it. There are different people in my group and we all had different reasons. I\rquote ve heard stories that would curl your hair. Though I surely can relate to the impulse, the reasons were different.
\ldblquote That wasn\rquote t quite true with Sam.
\ldblquote We had quite a bit in common. We both went to school here. Anyone in the junior class knows I\rquote m the quote class-brain unquote--Sam was the same for the sophomore class. We both had trouble making friends.
\ldblquote We weren\rquote t exactly alike of course--not even here. Sam got beat up, which I never did.\rdblquote I think I heard Eggy give a little gasp at that. Sometimes principals and the like are completely clueless.
I went on. \ldblquote And Sam was a lot shyer than I\rquote ll ever be. But there were similarities. And though there were different reasons we both wanted to kill ourselves, there were some that were the same.
\ldblquote And the biggest one that was the same for both of us? Well, that was \b you\b0 ,\rdblquote I said, and pointed my finger straight out and swung it across the room. \ldblquote You people in this room, in this school. Students \b and\b0 teachers.\rdblquote
Well, I surely had their attention. I don\rquote t think anyone expected this, not after all the happy sympathetic talk from the shrinks. I saw a few smirks directed up on stage--but mostly it was rapt attention. I softened the blow a wee bit. \ldblquote Not all of you, of course. Not all of you. But enough. A significant number of people in this room had a big part in making my life so unbearable I wanted to end it. And in making Sam succeed at ending his.
\ldblquote I don\rquote t know. Do some of you people think I\rquote m deaf? Do you think I didn\rquote t \b hear\b0 the comment about it being too bad I was found in time? Or other similar comments? Or do you think because I\rquote m smart I don\rquote t have feelings? Nothing could be further from the truth, let me assure you.\rdblquote
I took a breath. The auditorium was utterly still.
\ldblquote I want to tell you about Sam. Sam was smart, yes, and very very shy. But he was also sweet and kind.
\ldblquote Sam was scared. Of just about everything. There\rquote s a girl in my group named Zoe. Zoe\rquote s brash and bold and says what she thinks--and at first, Sam was scared of Zoe, too.
\ldblquote But Zoe convinced him not to be scared. And this past Saturday, they had their first date. It was, I understand, Sam\rquote s first ever. Afterwards, on Sunday, Zoe called me. She was flying on air. She\rquote d had a great time and evidently Sam felt the same way.
\ldblquote And then, from what Zoe told me later, Sam came into this \b fucking\b0 school on Monday and one of you bastards beat the crap out of him. \b Again\b0 .\rdblquote That time I \b know\b0 I heard a gasp from Eggy--and he wasn\rquote t alone.
\ldblquote Realize what I just told you. He was happy. Then he got beat up. Less than twenty-four hours later, he was dead.
\ldblquote I hope whoever beat him up on Monday can live with themselves.
\ldblquote It wasn\rquote t the first time. They were endless. What you people have to get through your heads is this shit \b adds\b0 \b up\b0 . All the slights. All the comments. All the being singled out in class by teachers that have nothing better to do--which creates more slights and comments. All the days you eat by yourself. All the parties you don\rquote t get invited to. In Sam\rquote s case, all the beatings. It\rquote s cumulative.
\ldblquote And for \b what\b0 ? Why is my friend dead? Why is my other friend Zoe in the hospital on suicide watch? \b Why\b0 ?
\ldblquote Are you all really that jealous? Come on. It really makes a difference to you if I ace a test, or if Sam did? Enough to torment the shit out of us?
\ldblquote I\rquote m smart, very smart. So fucking what? I was born this way. Why is it the smart kids? Look around you. Find the guy in your class that can throw a football 40 feet on a line--do you give him shit? The girl who can hit a contested jump shot automatic from 18 feet--do you give her shit?
\ldblquote One of the people who\rquote s befriended me since my suicide attempt--and I\rquote m forever grateful to her for it--is Johanna Sullivan. All the juniors know who Johanna is--she\rquote s the class artist. She\rquote s very good. She blows away all of you in art class the way I do in physics. Me, too-she\rquote s practically a genius with a drawing pencil where I can barely manage a straight line. Does anyone give Johanna shit? No way. Not only does everyone ooh and aah over her drawing and painting, she\rquote s just in general one of the best-liked kids in this school. And she \b should\b0 be. She\rquote s an excellent person.
\ldblquote But, you know what? So am I. And very few of you have ever even bothered to try to figure that out, because you\rquote re too hung up on the fact that I got a higher grade than you on some test or other.
\ldblquote And because brains are somehow treated with a stigma around here--when no other talent is--another excellent person that I was happy to know put a bullet through his yesterday morning.
\ldblquote So, you need to think about this. You need to think about what you\rquote re doing to other people. You might think it\rquote s harmless. You\rquote re going to tell me \lquote but I didn\rquote t want for him to kill himself or anything!\rquote But he did. And I tried.
\ldblquote One of the counselors brought in talked before I did, and she talked about all of us \lquote coming together\rquote . You know what? I\rquote m not sure I want to do that. I\rquote m not sure at all I want to \lquote come together\rquote with a bunch of people who tormented a poor kid into digging his own grave.
\ldblquote Because you have to understand. It\rquote s not just me. It\rquote s not just Sam. And who it is besides me and Sam...you don\rquote t know. You might never know. Until someone else does it.
\ldblquote I have another friend, I won\rquote t mention who. This friend has been on edge. Hasn\rquote t tried it yet, but has had thoughts. It seems like they are doing better. We got this person some help. This person is adapting better, making friends, in therapy--even has a significant other.
\ldblquote But there\rquote s still a danger zone. And I do not want to do this again.\rdblquote
That\rquote s where the tears started, and I couldn\rquote t stop them.
\ldblquote I don\rquote t want to sit in another one of these fucking assemblies and discuss another dead friend, dead by his or her own hand! I can\rquote t!\rdblquote I got out between sobs.
\ldblquote You think about it. You think about what you\rquote re doing to your classmates.\rdblquote
That was it. That was all I had in me. The tears were coming non-stop. I put down the microphone and got the hell out of there. Off the stage, out the side door, into a deserted corridor where I slumped up against a row of lockers, and just cried and cried.
I heard the auditorium door slam, but I didn\rquote t look up. However, before I knew it, Craig was sitting beside me, holding me while I cried.
The rest of them soon followed--Johanna, Alex, Cap, Angela. They were all hugging and touching me. \ldblquote That was the bravest thing I\rquote ve ever seen,\rdblquote Johanna said.
\ldblquote Hope you don\rquote t mind me bringing you up,\rdblquote I sniffled at her.
\ldblquote Why would I? You said I was a great artist and an excellent person. Very accurate.\rdblquote She was trying to get me to smile. She succeeded--at least a little.
After we\rquote d huddled there for a while, the door opened again. It was Eggy.
\ldblquote Ginny,\rdblquote he said. \ldblquote I have to tell you, I don\rquote t know if you just made things easier or worse for yourself.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I know,\rdblquote I said. \ldblquote At least I got it all off my chest.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Do you have any idea who beat Sam up Monday?\rdblquote
\ldblquote No. I don\rquote t even think Zoe knows. She doesn\rquote t go to school here so it would just be a name to her anyway.\rdblquote
\ldblquote OK,\rdblquote he said. \ldblquote You guys better get to class.\rdblquote
\b --TWENTY--\b0
So, we headed to class. My class right now was Physics. Unfortunately, none of my friends were in that class. I would\rquote ve liked to have one of them there. Because I was getting stares as the halls filled up, and I wasn\rquote t sure what kind of stares they were.
It happened all morning--the stares, I mean. Though nobody said anything to me, positive or negative.
I got to lunch with the usual crowd--and then something happened that surprised the hell out of me.
We were eating, and all of a sudden there was a guy standing there. I knew who he was--his name was Joe Adair. I could\rquote ve been talking about him when talking about all the school heroes who had something other than brains--if I had talked about hockey. Joe was our star hockey player. That\rquote s a big deal in Michigan. Joe was a BMOC, no doubt about it. So, I knew who he was, but don\rquote t remember ever having a conversation with him, good or bad.
He nodded and said hi to Craig, then turned to me. \ldblquote Hey, Ginny, I was wondering if I could talk to you.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Sure, Joe,\rdblquote I shrugged. Craig was there to back me up if Joe was going to be a jerk, so I didn\rquote t mind. I was curious as to what he wanted. And he didn\rquote t seem like he was going to be a jerk anyhow.
He pulled up a chair, looking vaguely uncomfortable. \ldblquote Look,\rdblquote he said, \ldblquote after what you said in assembly, I have absolutely \b no\b0 idea how you\rquote re going to react to this. But I have nowhere else to turn. I\rquote m desparate. When you got up there talking about being the class brain, it reminded me. But if what I\rquote m going to ask you pisses you off, just tell me and I\rquote ll go away.\rdblquote
\ldblquote OK,\rdblquote I said, really curious as to where he was going with all this.
\ldblquote You\rquote re a math whiz,\rdblquote he said--but not in scorn.
\ldblquote Pretty much,\rdblquote I grinned.
\ldblquote I know you took trigonometry last year, but I\rquote m guessing you still remember all of it.\rdblquote I nodded. \ldblquote This is the deal. I\rquote m in trig this year, and I am not getting it. I\rquote m not a dumb jock, but math ain\rquote t my thing, and trig is really throwing me. We have another exam on Friday--and if I flunk another one, it\rquote s going to really put my grade in a hole. Possibly bad enough to get suspended from the hockey team.
\ldblquote So, I was wondering, if you would, you know, possibly think about helping me out?\rdblquote
I was flabbergasted.
This might be hard to believe, but I\rquote d never been asked. Never. You\rquote d think some people would\rquote ve at least come up with the idea to use the class brain for help--but nobody ever had.
Which might explain my reaction. Yeah, I was sick of having Class Brain stuck to my forehead--but being asked for help? That wasn\rquote t being scorned. That was different. Yeah, there was a bit of using involved--I understood that--but he asked nicely, and the whole thing was just different.
I liked it. A lot.
That must\rquote ve not shown on my face right away, though--since I was so surprised--because Joe started backing the chair away, saying, \ldblquote Damn. I\rquote m sorry, Ginny, I really didn\rquote t mean to piss you off.\rdblquote
\ldblquote You didn\rquote t,\rdblquote I laughed. \ldblquote You just surprised me. I\rquote d be glad to help you out.\rdblquote
\ldblquote You would? That\rquote s great!\rdblquote
\ldblquote Sure. But a test on Friday, huh? Two days from now? You don\rquote t give a girl much time.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I know,\rdblquote he laughed. \ldblquote I didn\rquote t know what the hell to do. But when you were speaking at assembly, I remembered how good you were at math. So I had to take a shot.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Well, we\rquote ll do what we can. You free after school?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yeah. We practiced early this morning, before school.\rdblquote He smirked. \ldblquote You know, take the ice time whenever we can get it. And we don\rquote t have a game until Saturday.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Good.\rdblquote I tore out a piece of notepaper from my notebook, and wrote my address on it. \ldblquote Come on over about three.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Thanks, Ginny. You\rquote re the best.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Don\rquote t thank me until we figure out if I can help you,\rdblquote I laughed.
\ldblquote There\rquote s no possible way it can hurt, so thanks anyway,\rdblquote he laughed back. He got up and left the table.
I looked at Craig. He\rquote d watched this whole exchange with interest. \ldblquote I\rquote m very proud of you,\rdblquote he said, making me beam. \ldblquote And more than a little surprised.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Hey, nobody\rquote s ever asked,\rdblquote I explained. \ldblquote For some reason, I liked it.\rdblquote
\ldblquote And Joe\rquote s one of the good guys,\rdblquote Johanna butt in. \ldblquote I\rquote ve known him since grammar school, and he\rquote s not one of those types whose ego is bigger than his slapshot!\rdblquote
So, Joe came over. I got us a couple Cokes and we went into the living room. We\rquote d just spread out the trig all over the coffee table when Mom came home.
She walked in. \ldblquote Hi, honey,\rdblquote she said--then looked over at Joe, clearly surprised to see me sitting there with a boy that wasn\rquote t Craig. \ldblquote Hello,\rdblquote she said.
\ldblquote Mom, Joe Adair. Joe, my mother.\rdblquote She came over and shook his hand. \ldblquote Joe\rquote s our star hockey player, and he asked me for some study help.\rdblquote
Joe laughed. \ldblquote Your daughter\rquote s going to try to save my butt in trigonometry so I can continue to be the star hockey player.\rdblquote
\ldblquote That\rquote s good,\rdblquote Mom laughed. She left us alone, and we got to it.
He was right--he wasn\rquote t any kind of dumb jock. Rather smart, actually. My problem was, I knew I was going to have to dumb myself down for \b anyone\b0 --as I\rquote ve said, math to me is like breathing. I pick it up on an almost instinctive level that I can have a hard time explaining. So, I made a conscious effort to, you know, slow myself down. Apparently, though I worried about being able to explain it--I was a hell of a lot better than whatever teacher it was Joe had for trig. Because he was getting it.
I hammered cosigns and tangents into his head for about an hour or so. He was doing fine, but after that hour, he groaned and said, \ldblquote My brain hurts.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Study break, then,\rdblquote I grinned.
He grinned back. \ldblquote I can\rquote t thank you enough. It\rquote s already helped.\rdblquote
\ldblquote My pleasure,\rdblquote I said sincerely. \ldblquote I\rquote m really happy to do it. Besides which, I like hockey. If we\rquote re gonna contend for the state championship, we need Joltin\rquote Joe Adair.\rdblquote That was his nickname--courtesy of his thundering bodychecks and his wicked slapshot. Yeah, it was a ripoff from DiMaggio, but it fit!
\ldblquote Damn right,\rdblquote he grinned. He leaned back on the couch. \ldblquote You\rquote re the talk of the school, you know.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Figured as much,\rdblquote I said, resigned.
\ldblquote Look, Ginny. You know there are some people that are going to be assholes no matter what.\rdblquote
\ldblquote No doubt,\rdblquote I snorted.
\ldblquote But there\rquote s people that aren\rquote t. And you made them think.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Really?\rdblquote
\ldblquote No doubt,\rdblquote he said. \ldblquote Look, my sister\rquote s a year behind me, so she was in Sam\rquote s grade. And, I have to tell you, she is really shook up. She thought Sam was sweet--but never told him. And she\rquote s not feeling great right now.\rdblquote
\ldblquote We can\rquote t bring Sam back. I know that. But if it makes your sister just say \lquote hi\rquote to the potential \b next\b0 Sam--well, then, I made my point.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yeah. And she realizes it. So. You\rquote re going out with Craig Tolland?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yeah,\rdblquote I said, smiling at the thought.
\ldblquote Good. Craig\rquote s a nice guy. He keeping you from doing anything else stupid?\rdblquote he said, pointing to my wrist.
\ldblquote Uh, he helps,\rdblquote I said, stunned.
\ldblquote Good. Hey, I got a better idea of why you did it today at assembly. But, Ginny, it\rquote s still stupid.\rdblquote
Nobody\rquote d ever been that blunt about it to me before. And, again, I suprisingly liked it. Don\rquote t ask me why. I appreciate bluntness, I guess. And Joe was clearly being blunt out of concern, not scorn.
I couldn\rquote t let that one go by unanswered, however. \ldblquote Funny, I figured stupid best applied to people who were flunking trigonometry,\rdblquote I said with a huge grin.
He grinned back, and said, \ldblquote And Klusse ties the score at one with a wicked wrister from the left circle.\rdblquote I cracked up.
He laughed with me, and then got serious again. \ldblquote I thought it was stupid when I was going through it, though I didn\rquote t quite put it that way to her.\rdblquote I looked at him, wondering what the hell he was talking about. He took a deep breath and told me. \ldblquote I had to talk Toni out of it last year.\rdblquote
\ldblquote What?!?\rdblquote Toni was Antonia Caldwell. She and Joe had been an item since eighth grade. Which was kind of sweet when you think about it. But Toni was one of those Perfectly Put-Together Princess types. Toni Caldwell had a moment of angst? Unbelievable. \ldblquote Really? Toni?\rdblquote I said.
\ldblquote Yeah. It\rquote s like you said at assembly, there\rquote s lots of reasons, and sometimes people don\rquote t know,\rdblquote he sighed. \ldblquote Toni\rquote s parents\rquote divorce last year was rough. I mean, real rough. They were downright brutal to one another, and poor Toni was caught smack in the middle. I remember spending four solid hours on the phone with her, talking her out of swallowing the bottle of sleeping pills she was staring at. And I wanted to hang up the phone and go over there, but I was scared to death she\rquote d do something if I hung up. And I didn\rquote t have a cell phone at the time, so trying to talk her down while going over there was out.\rdblquote He sighed. \ldblquote And I understand a lot of what you said today, because while I was trying to get my girlfriend to not kill herself, I wanted to kill \b them\b0 . Her parents. Either or both.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yeah. Well, I thought my parents were part of the problem. Well, they were. But it wasn\rquote t intentional. It was missed communications and signs not being received.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Not the case with Toni. I was there.\rdblquote He sighed. \ldblquote I guess their marriage had been one of clipped tones and invisible scorn for some time. But her mom caught her dad shtupping the secretary. That\rquote s when all hell broke loose. They fought over everything--house, money, posessions--Toni. They treated her like the damn big-screen TV. Since she was sixteen, the judge figured she was old enough to voice her opinion. So, right there in court, he asked her who, if given the choice, she\rquote d choose to live with. And she said \lquote neither of them\rquote . And she meant it.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Did that wake them up?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Not hardly.\rdblquote He sighed again. \ldblquote And what makes it worse is both her parents hate my guts. Because I went over there one day and found them going at it in the kitchen, full fury--with poor Toni curled up in a ball crying her eyes out. And I ripped both of them a new one.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yay for Joe,\rdblquote I smiled.
\ldblquote Toni told me later, that\rquote s when she realized that I was the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with,\rdblquote Joe said in almost a tone of awe. It really was sweet. \ldblquote But we\rquote ve had a problem or two. Her mother really hates me. Besides the whole me ripping her a new one--she hates me more because, well, I\rquote m male. Since she caught her husband, who she hated anyway, shtupping the secretary--well, that means all men are evil.\rdblquote
\ldblquote God. Maddening displays of illogic that bad give me a headache,\rdblquote I said.
\ldblquote Yeah, they would, wouldn\rquote t they?\rdblquote he grinned. \ldblquote Anyhow, even though Toni can\rquote t stand her mother, that is who she lives with. And her mother hates me so much--well, that kind of conditioning can sink in. It\rquote s not too bad, but there\rquote s been a moment or two. She really does trust me, deep down, but....well, I know I\rquote ll have to spend a few minutes on the phone tonight making sure she knows that you and I were \b only\b0 studying trig today.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oy. Too bad she couldn\rquote t get away from both of them.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Well, it\rquote s a little better. One of Daddy Caldwell\rquote s gambits in the never-ending Battle For Toni was to buy her a car this past summer. Figuring, of course, that she\rquote d use it to sneak off and see him more often. Nope, she uses it to escape to my place. She stays at my place as much as she can get away with. And my parents are great, and love her to pieces, so that helps.\rdblquote
\ldblquote That\rquote s good.\rdblquote I grinned. \ldblquote And if you need cover for your studying alibi, have Toni see me. I\rquote ll back you up.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Thanks,\rdblquote he grinned back. \ldblquote Anyhow, that\rquote s why I got what you were saying today. Would you ever guess that Toni had been suicidal?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Not for a second.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Right. That\rquote s because nobody but me knows the whole story.\rdblquote He grinned sheepishly. \ldblquote Well, now, you do.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Don\rquote t worry, my lip is zipped.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Never doubted it. Damn, Ginny, you\rquote re a good listener.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Thanks,\rdblquote I said, almost blushing. \ldblquote Anyhow--we\rquote d better get back to this.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I suppose.\rdblquote
After Joe had left, I told my mother about the whole day. She was amazed--but proud--about my little speech in assembly. And she liked the whole Joe story.
\ldblquote You\rquote ve learned some very important things about yourself, you know,\rdblquote she said.
\ldblquote I have?\rdblquote
\ldblquote You sure have. First of all, you like to help people. Second of all, you\rquote re easy to talk to--and you know what to do when people talk to you.\rdblquote
\ldblquote What do you mean?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Well, when Angela talked to you a couple of weeks ago, she needed advice and you knew it. You knew it so well that you shoved your advice down her throat when she ignored it. But Joe, today, didn\rquote t need advice--he just needed to get some stuff off his chest. So you just let him, and listened.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Wow. You\rquote re right.\rdblquote
I talked to Craig after supper. He\rquote d seen Zoe in the hospital and introduced himself. She was very glad to meet him. \ldblquote She doesn\rquote t seem bad, all things considering,\rdblquote he told me. \ldblquote We had a nice chat.\rdblquote
\ldblquote That\rquote s good news,\rdblquote I said. I told him some of the talk Joe and I had. He was glad that Mister Hockey looked like he might pass trig. But after some of the things he\rquote d said about Toni, I guess I had to make sure. \ldblquote You weren\rquote t upset, or jealous, were you?\rdblquote
\ldblquote God, no,\rdblquote he laughed. \ldblquote I\rquote m not generally that way. I didn\rquote t have a reason to be, did I?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Not in a million years, Lyubovnik,\rdblquote I laughed.
\b TWENTY-ONE\b0
The next day, Thursday. I wasn\rquote t looking forward to this day. Group had been my solace since I\rquote d gotten into it. It wasn\rquote t going to be the same. And afterwards was the wake. Craig, bless his heart, told me he\rquote d meet me at the wake.
And the day didn\rquote t look like it was starting out too good. No sooner had I pulled into the parking lot when Toni Caldwell came barrelling over at me, looking none too pleased.
\ldblquote Joe said he told you \b everything\b0 ?\rdblquote she moaned without preamble.
\ldblquote Yes.\rdblquote
\ldblquote God. Why would he \b do\b0 that?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Toni, I think he needed to get it off his chest, that\rquote s all.\rdblquote I gave her a wry grin. \ldblquote And I guess he figured he could tell me, because I\rquote m obviously in no position to judge anyone about something like that.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh,\rdblquote she said, slightly mollified.
\ldblquote Toni?\rdblquote I said. Then I looked right in her eyes, and made the \lquote button my lips\rquote motion.
\ldblquote Oh. OK. Thanks,\rdblquote she said, smiling slightly. \ldblquote I\rquote d rather the whole world not know. That can be embarrassing.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Tell me about it,\rdblquote I sighed.
\ldblquote Oh, I\rquote m sorry, I didn\rquote t mean it that way!\rdblquote
\ldblquote That\rquote s OK,\rdblquote I laughed.
She smiled a little back. \ldblquote I knew what you were talking about yesterday, though. People don\rquote t know. I was lucky in that I don\rquote t get harrassed here. If I did, piled upon what my parents were doing to me--well, Joe might not have been able to stop me. But it\rquote s funny--people get an image of you, and they just don\rquote t know.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Absolutely. I have to confess, when Joe told me, I was shocked. Because he told me that he\rquote d had to talk you down before he explained why. I was like, \lquote Toni? Really?\rquote\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yeah. Well, it was the same when I found out about you. Ginny \lquote Most Likely To Own The Universe\rquote Klusse slit her wrists? No way! I understand better now, though.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh, you should\rquote ve seen Craig. Stumbling in on me in the hospital with bandages covering my wrists. What made it worse is the next day, when he pressed me on why, I used him as a stand-in. For everybody.\rdblquote Remembering what Joe had told me yesterday, I dropped my voice a bit, and said, \ldblquote I think it was when he came back to talk the next day, and then kept coming back, even though I\rquote d blasted him--I think that\rquote s when I realized he was something special.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yeah, I know what you mean.\rdblquote We shared a smile. Then hers dropped. \ldblquote I really gave Joe an earful on the phone last night when he told me what he\rquote d told you. Now I feel really bad about that.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Well?\rdblquote I grinned. \ldblquote Don\rquote t tell \b me\b0 ! Go find the hockey puck and tell \b him\b0 ! Git!\rdblquote
She smiled, big and wide. \ldblquote Good advice, Ginny. Thanks.\rdblquote And she was off.
Damn. Just then Seth popped into my head--Seth as I\rquote d seen him at the club. And I thought, Jesus, when the hell did \b I \b0 turn into a people person?
Maybe I should chuck the whole physics-and-math thing and go be a shrink myself. I could open an office with Craig\rquote s insightful little sister! Then I thought, no. I could never deal with what happened to Sam as well as Shannon did. Never, ever, ever. Not that she was dispassionate--she wasn\rquote t--but she had a place she could put it and still move on. If I were her, I\rquote d never be able to do that. Nope, the cold logic of calculus was much more up my alley.
It was nice to be able to say the right thing to someone every once in a while, though.
I got through school. And I guess Joe was right. Because I had a few people, people that had never acknowledged my existance, say, \ldblquote Hi, Ginny.\rdblquote Just a few. But it was still stunning.
Anyhow, I got through the day, then made my way to group.
I smiled at Karen and Seth and said hello, but it wasn\rquote t all that cheerful. For any of us. There was no ignoring the big hole in the room. Two, actually, though one was, hopefully, only temporary.
Shannon came in, not looking much better than any of the rest of us. After she sat down, I asked, \ldblquote How\rquote s Zoe?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Zoe\rquote s OK,\rdblquote I heard from behind me. I turned around, and there she was, walking into the room. She looked...OK. I was glad to see her.
\ldblquote I didn\rquote t expect to see you here,\rdblquote Shannon said.
\ldblquote They were going to kick me out tomorrow anyway,\rdblquote she said, disgusted. \ldblquote Stupid insurance. They wouldn\rquote t let me stay for more than three days unless I actually attempted it again. Morons. Anyway, since they were going to boot me tomorrow, I said I wanted to leave now. I wanted to be here. You guys are my salvation. Even without.....\rdblquote She just sighed, thinking no doubt of Sam. \ldblquote Plus, I\rquote d rather go to the wake with you guys.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I\rquote m glad of that,\rdblquote Shannon said. \ldblquote Let\rquote s talk about it. I understand Ginny gave quite a performance in front of her school assembly yesterday morning.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Heard about that, did you?\rdblquote I said.
\ldblquote Yup.\rdblquote
\ldblquote So did I,\rdblquote Zoe said. She turned to the rest of them. \ldblquote I met her boyfriend yesterday. He works at the hospital and introduced himself.\rdblquote She turned back to me. \ldblquote Craig gave me a rundown of what you\rquote d said.\rdblquote Then she blinked rapidly and her voice broke. \ldblquote Thanks,\rdblquote she croaked. \ldblquote From Sam, too.\rdblquote
I didn\rquote t know what to say to that, so I just smiled sadly.
Ginny had me give a brief rundown of what I\rquote d done. She\rquote d heard about it but not exactly what I\rquote d said. Karen and Seth didn\rquote t know at all. So I told them. Seth loved it--of course he did. I\rquote m sure he\rquote d wanted to say similar things to the bigots in his own school.
Karen wasn\rquote t so sure. \ldblquote Is all that anger healthy?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Depends on what you do with it,\rdblquote Shannon said. \ldblquote Ginny used the anger productively.\rdblquote
\ldblquote How do you do something like that when the anger is directed at your own brother and mother?\rdblquote Karen asked plaintively.
\ldblquote Write a letter,\rdblquote Shannon said. \ldblquote To each of them. It\rquote s not necessary to send them. You can decide afterwards whether to send it, or rip it up, or frame it to remind yourself, or whatever. It\rquote s the writing that\rquote s the therapuetic part. And it\rquote s a good idea for you, Karen, because that\rquote s the one thing you haven\rquote t dealt with at all--your anger.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I know,\rdblquote she said. \ldblquote It\rquote s bottled up. I think it\rquote s affecting things. I think it\rquote s affecting things with Aaron, especially.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh, stop worrying about Aaron,\rdblquote I said. Everybody looked at me in surprise. \ldblquote I met Aaron, at Seth\rquote s club, the other week,\rdblquote I said. \ldblquote I saw them together. Karen, if you could step outside your body and see what Aaron and you look like together, you\rquote d never worry again.\rdblquote
Karen just stared at me. \ldblquote What do they look like together?\rdblquote Shannon asked.
\ldblquote Like the love story of the century,\rdblquote I laughed. Karen blushed. \ldblquote You should see it. We\rquote re in a crowded room and it\rquote s like they\rquote re the only two people there. Karen, that boy adores you.\rdblquote
\ldblquote You know, when she puts it that way, she\rquote s right,\rdblquote Seth agreed.
\ldblquote And you should see her,\rdblquote I said, pointing at Karen. \ldblquote When she\rquote s with him, her whole body language changes. That whole stiff-as-a-board thing she\rquote s showing us right now completely goes away.\rdblquote
\ldblquote It does?\rdblquote Karen said, surprised.
\ldblquote Yep. And Aaron completely dotes on her.\rdblquote
\ldblquote He does,\rdblquote she agreed, finally smiling. \ldblquote He really does.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Good. So stop worrying about Aaron!\rdblquote I repeated.
\ldblquote Maybe I should,\rdblquote Karen smiled. Then she took a breath. \ldblquote And I\rquote m going to write those letters. I might even send them.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Good,\rdblquote Shannon said.
Group was OK. Even Zoe loosened up a little.
The wake wasn\rquote t OK. It was devastating. Because of the way he died, the casket was, of course, closed. All there was to \lquote see\rquote of my friend was a picture sitting on top of his casket. It was tough to say goodbye that way. It was tough to say goodbye in the first place. And if it was tough for me? Poor Zoe. Damn it all to hell.
Thank God for Craig. I don\rquote t know what I would\rquote ve done if he hadn\rquote t been there, his arm around mine, the whole time.
The only good thing was when we went outside. Zoe pulled Craig and I out of there, and we stood outside waiting for the rest of them. \ldblquote I wanted company,\rdblquote she said to us, \ldblquote and I need a ciggie. I\rquote m trying to quit, but not today.\rdblquote We nodded.
\ldblquote Hey, you were right,\rdblquote she said to me. \ldblquote Karen and Aaron.\rdblquote Aaron had also met us at the wake. \ldblquote They\rquote re like two peas in a pod.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yep,\rdblquote I agreed.
The old Zoe peeked out a bit just then. \ldblquote She really ought to just give it up and sleep with him,\rdblquote she cracked. \ldblquote Might do her some good. Like you told her, sex isn\rquote t rape. I know she wants to, but she\rquote s scared.\rdblquote I nodded agreement to the last bit.
Then something hit me.
She wasn\rquote t the only one who wanted to sleep with her boyfriend.
And I wasn\rquote t scared. What the hell did I have to be scared about? With \b Craig\b0 ? No way.
What was I waiting for? Oh, the \lquote proper\rquote time. Hell with that.
It had been a brutal week. It needed some good in it. We\rquote d been together two months--it was time enough. I needed to show him exactly how much I loved him. And, of course, vice-versa!
The Brain kicked into gear and I mentally made some plans.
--to be continued--
Sorry, I lied. I got halfway through what was supposed to be part four and it\rquote s over 8K words, so I split it. There will be a part five, coming hopefully soon.
--Frank