HEROES
by Frank Downey
\pard Part Three
--ELEVEN--\b0
Craig called on Saturday. We were on the phone for a couple hours. It was great.
He gave me a big smile when I saw him in school on Monday.
Monday, at lunch, I got a nice surprise. I had just started digging into the meal, when there appeared Angela. \ldblquote Hi,\rdblquote she said.
\ldblquote Hi,\rdblquote I responded tentatively.
\ldblquote I owe you an apology,\rdblquote she said. \ldblquote You were right.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Thank goodness, I thought you would hate me forever.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I was really mad at first,\rdblquote she said. \ldblquote But my parents were a lot more understanding than I would\rquote ve guessed. Very worried, but understanding. And Shannon really is great.\rdblquote
\ldblquote That she is,\rdblquote I agreed.
We chatted a bit, and then we were invaded. Craig, Alex, Johanna, and Cap all came over to the table. I introduced them all to Angela. I thought she was going to freeze up, but she didn\rquote t. Well, mostly she didn\rquote t. She was all right. Craig helped--as did Johanna, who was sitting next to her and deliberately including her in the conversation. Including Angela Cressey in a conversation is no small feat, let me tell you, but Johanna was dogged. I threw her a smile of gratitude. Which she caught.
This kind of set the pattern for the week. We all ended up at lunch together. On Tuesday, a couple of Johanna\rquote s friends started joining us. Two of the types that I would\rquote ve considered Princesses--these must\rquote ve been the ones that didn\rquote t diss her when she started dating Alex--but they were actually very nice. Even to Angela.
Then came Thursday.
We were all at lunch. Angela, after watching us moon over each other for almost a week, finally got the gumption to ask Craig and I, \ldblquote Are you guys dating?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Couldn\rquote t you tell?\rdblquote Craig laughed.
\ldblquote We just started, actually,\rdblquote I said. \ldblquote This past weekend was our first date.\rdblquote
\ldblquote And it feels like it was our millionth,\rdblquote Craig said, \ldblquote and I mean that in a good way.\rdblquote
Oh, he was getting me all warm-and-fuzzy.
And then I blew it. \ldblquote Yeah, for some reason Craig must have a thing for overbrained fat chicks.\rdblquote I said it as a joke.
Craig knew better. He knew that underneath the joke was, pretty much, how I felt. And he got \b mad\b0 . He turned to me with a look on his face I\rquote d never seen before. \ldblquote Oh, \b stop\b0 it,\rdblquote he said, loud enough to interrupt conversation at the whole table.
He grabbed my face and turned it towards his. \ldblquote You listen to me,\rdblquote he said, luckily a bit softer--I think only Angela heard. \ldblquote There\rquote s no such thing as overbrained. You\rquote re smart. That\rquote s a \b good\b0 thing. You should be happy about it. Stop apologizing for it.\rdblquote
I was stunned. And he wasn\rquote t done. \ldblquote Furthermore, you are not fat.\rdblquote He put his hand on my stomach. \ldblquote There\rquote s nothing wrong here. No, it\rquote s not sixpack abs, but who cares? It\rquote s not \b fat\b0 . It\rquote s just soft, and curvy. Girls are supposed to be soft and curvy.\rdblquote He then very obviously looked at my boobs. \ldblquote Like those. Just perfect.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Well,\rdblquote I said, trying to--I don\rquote t know what I was trying. To save face or something? Anyhow, I said, \ldblquote It\rquote s mostly my hips. And my ass.\rdblquote I turned to poor Angela who was trying not to get involved. \ldblquote My ass is so huge it stops weather systems.\rdblquote
Craig grabbed my face and turned it towards him again, and leaned in close. \ldblquote You silly little fool,\rdblquote he hissed, low and soft, \ldblquote how can somebody as smart as you be so damn stupid? Listen to me, Ginny Klusse, the only thing your ass stops is \b traffic\b0 !\rdblquote And on that flabbergasting note, he very deliberately turned away, and very very deliberately started talking to Alex.
Poor Angela. She was staring at me after all this, desperately trying to think of something to say. And we all know that thinking of things to say isn\rquote t Angela\rquote s strong suit. I took her off the hook and changed the subject.
Craig studiously avoided me for the last fifteen minutes of lunch. But he wasn\rquote t done. As we were leaving the lunchroom, he grabbed my shoulder and pulled me over into a quiet part of the corridor.
\ldblquote Ginny, this is the thing. I like you. I like you a whole hell of a lot. And I like you \b just\b0 the way you are. So when are \b you\b0 gonna start?\rdblquote And then he walked away.
It\rquote s a good thing I can navigate my classes on autopilot--because, for the rest of the afternoon, I had no choice.
I had group after school. I kind of wished I\rquote d had my private with Shannon, but today was group. I did tell everyone I\rquote d gone on my first date--and gotten my first kiss--which they all were happy about. I didn\rquote t tell anyone what had happened today, though.
After supper, I was in my room, and the phone rang. It was Craig. \ldblquote Look, Ginny, I\rquote m sorry. I don\rquote t know what got into me. I was way, way too hard on you.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I don\rquote t know if that\rquote s true,\rdblquote I said.
\ldblquote It is. I was,\rdblquote he insisted. I heard him sigh from the other end of the line. \ldblquote I\rquote m sorry. This is harder than I thought it was going to be.\rdblquote
\ldblquote What is?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Look, I knew I liked you. I liked you last year, I told you that. I wouldn\rquote t have asked you out if I didn\rquote t like you. I guess it kind of hit me suddenly on Friday night exactly how much.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh,\rdblquote I said, thrilled, and scared out of my mind, all at the same time.
\ldblquote That wasn\rquote t my first kiss. I haven\rquote t done much more than that, mind you, but I have kissed, and I\rquote ve made out with girls. A number of times.\rdblquote He took another breath. \ldblquote But never, ever like \b that\b0 .\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh, God, I thought it was just me,\rdblquote I said with a nervous little chortle.
\ldblquote Not hardly,\rdblquote he said, and I could almost hear the smile over the phone. \ldblquote Not even a little bit. It took my breath away.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Mine, too, but my mother said that\rquote s because I need to learn how to breathe through my nose.\rdblquote
He lost it. \ldblquote You\rquote re something else,\rdblquote he said when he stopped laughing. \ldblquote By the way, I can breathe through my nose just fine and I still almost passed out on your porch.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh,\rdblquote I laughed.
\ldblquote Anyhow, it\rquote s quick. Quicker than I thought. I really do like you a lot.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I feel the same way,\rdblquote I said softly.
\ldblquote Good.\rdblquote His voice got a little strained. \ldblquote But it\rquote s hard. And sometimes you don\rquote t make it easier. When you were running yourself down at lunch, it kind of hit me. I\rquote m rapidly becoming crazy about a girl who, not so long ago, tried to kill herself. If I told you that that didn\rquote t scare the living shit out of me, I\rquote d be lying.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh. Damn, Craig, I don\rquote t know what to say.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I want you to promise me something.\rdblquote
Oh, God, I thought, \b don\rquote t\b0 . I can\rquote t promise that. I \b can\rquote t\b0 . Not yet. \ldblquote What?\rdblquote I asked him hesitantly.
\ldblquote I want you to promise me that, if you feel that way again, you\rquote ll call me. Just call. Give me a chance to talk to you about it. Please, just promise me you\rquote ll do that.\rdblquote
My heart went right into my throat. \ldblquote Yes. I can do that. I promise to do that.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Good,\rdblquote he said with a huge sigh of relief. No bigger than mine! He asked me something I was \b capable\b0 of--that came as a great relief. \ldblquote And Ginny? Stop running yourself down.\rdblquote
\ldblquote That\rquote s going to be harder. Uhm, do you \b really\b0 think my ass could stop traffic?\rdblquote
He laughed. \ldblquote Ginny, I like to think I\rquote m a gentleman. I try to be, anyhow. If I weren\rquote t I think I would\rquote ve left handprints.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh, God,\rdblquote I croaked through the giggles. \ldblquote That sounds, er, intriguing.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Uh-huh.\rdblquote
\b --TWELVE--\b0
I vowed to try. If this guy liked me, there was a reason, right? Maybe I\rquote d figure it out.
We went out that weekend--in fact, we went out twice, both nights. Friday we went to the movies. Saturday we went out dancing, to a teen dance club nearby. I am an absolutely \b horrible\b0 dancer, but I went. It was even fun.
\ldblquote I know you don\rquote t like me running myself down,\rdblquote I said to Craig during a break, \ldblquote but let\rquote s face it--I suck at this.\rdblquote
\ldblquote But you\rquote re having fun. That\rquote s what counts.\rdblquote
\ldblquote It is fun. As long as I don\rquote t think about what I look like!\rdblquote
He didn\rquote t say anything until we got back on the dance floor. When there, he steered me to a mirror on the wall. \ldblquote Look. What do you see in there?\rdblquote he said.
I looked. I actually looked half-decent tonight. Mom had helped me with the makeup and it looked good. My hair--which was reddish-brown and straight--was in a ponytail. First time for that in years. I\rquote d been in the habit of hacking it off to get it out of my damn face, but I hadn\rquote t cut it since before the hospital. I had to admit, it looked better longer. I was wearing a nice blouse, and a knee-length skirt that at least made my ass look like it was in a single zip code instead of three.
\ldblquote What do you see in there?\rdblquote Craig repeated. \ldblquote I\rquote ll tell you what I see. I see a pretty girl having a good time. For one thing, she\rquote s a lot prettier than she thinks she is--and she\rquote s having fun, which makes her absolutely beautiful. So what if she\rquote s not going to be winning any dance contests any time soon. She can keep up with the beat, she\rquote s not embarrassing herself, and she\rquote s having fun. In fact, to me, she looks \b happy\b0 .\rdblquote He spun me away from the mirror to look at him. \ldblquote Ginny,\rdblquote he smiled, \ldblquote happy is good. Go with it.\rdblquote
\ldblquote OK,\rdblquote I smiled back--and we started dancing again.
God, he was right. I \b was\b0 happy.
How the hell did \b that\b0 happen?
I got even happier when we got to my house. We went out back of my house, where there was one of those big porch swings--though we had it on the lawn and not on a porch. We sat there for a while, making out.
After a while, he said, \ldblquote I need to ask you something and I\rquote m not asking it to piss you off. I\rquote m asking because I need to know, OK?\rdblquote
\ldblquote OK,\rdblquote I said, curious.
\ldblquote Do you like me because you like me or because I was the first one to ask you out?\rdblquote
I grinned at him. \ldblquote What are you grinning at?\rdblquote he asked, obviously a bit confused at my reaction.
\ldblquote Nice to know I\rquote m not the only insecure person in this swing.\rdblquote
\ldblquote No, you\rquote re not,\rdblquote he laughed.
\ldblquote Good. As for your question--I\rquote ll be honest. I\rquote ve thought about it. I\rquote m pretty vulnerable to any kind of sweet-talking and I know it.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Did I sweet-talk?\rdblquote he chuckled.
\ldblquote More like actions than talk in your case. Anyway. I thought about it. And I guess I realized something. I never would\rquote ve been able to admit it, not even to myself, because I buried that kind of shit back then--but I liked you last year, too.\rdblquote
\ldblquote You did?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yeah.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh,\rdblquote he said, looking insufferably pleased. I couldn\rquote t complain--I was, too. \ldblquote You mean before I dissed you with my birthday party.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yeah, before that,\rdblquote I laughed.
\ldblquote Don\rquote t worry, you\rquote re invited this year. It\rquote s in February.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I\rquote ll mark my calendar,\rdblquote I deadpanned. \ldblquote Oh, and I hope you like older women. Mine\rquote s New Year\rquote s Eve.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I think I can live with that,\rdblquote he laughed. \ldblquote Anyhow, you\rquote re sure?\rdblquote
\ldblquote I\rquote m sure,\rdblquote I said. I looked at him. \ldblquote You really are insecure. You spend so much time pumping me up I didn\rquote t realise.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Part of it is because this is really quick.\rdblquote I nodded agreement--it was, but it felt right. \ldblquote The other thing is, well, I know I\rquote m nowhere in your league.\rdblquote I looked at him blankly. \ldblquote I mean, I\rquote m not a \b dummy\b0 , but you....\rdblquote
I interrupted him by pointing at my scarred wrist. \ldblquote I should be living vivid proof that brains are \b not\b0 all they\rquote re cracked up to be.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I understand that part, but that\rquote s not what I meant.\rdblquote
\ldblquote OK, let me explain to you what a high IQ is. Did you ever hear the polite euphemism for kids that are lower-than-average?\rdblquote He looked at me blankly. \ldblquote It\rquote s slow. I mean, you\rquote ve heard that. \lquote So-and-so is a little slow,\rquote right?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yeah,\rdblquote he said.
\ldblquote It\rquote s accurate. And I say that because I am fast. Look, I understand different people have different talents, but I\rquote m going to speak in generalities here. There is not a \b thing\b0 that I am capable of learning that you are \b not\b0 . Anything I can learn, you can too. Almost everyone can, speaking again in generalities.
\ldblquote What the difference is, is this. If it takes you an hour to learn something, I can do it in twelve minutes. I won\rquote t learn it any better than you. Just faster.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I see,\rdblquote he said. \ldblquote Of course, where the difficulties come in is that while I\rquote m taking the extra forty-eight minutes to learn Task One, you\rquote ve moved on to Two, Three, and Four. And I\rquote ll never be able to catch up.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh, I\rquote m not nearly that diligent,\rdblquote I laughed. \ldblquote While you\rquote re taking the extra time, I\rquote m not learning Two and so on, I\rquote m wasting time playing The Sims.\rdblquote He chuckled at that. \ldblquote There are things I\rquote m interested in. And there\rquote s things I\rquote m not. That is a little easier, because I can get history studying over with quickly. And since I hate history, the less time spent, the better. That\rquote s an advantage. Things I like, especially if they\rquote re not the same as the things you like, I\rquote ll stay ahead of you. But if you like history, you\rquote ll pass me in no time.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Not particularly,\rdblquote he grimaced. \ldblquote What do you like?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Two things, and I\rquote m eventually going to have to pick one. High-level math and physics and that sort of thing. That\rquote s like breathing to me. Pre-calculus is like second nature. The other one is languages.\rdblquote
\ldblquote You mean like spoken languages?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yeah. I\rquote m reasonably fluent in five.\rdblquote
\ldblquote FIVE?!?!?!?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yeah,\rdblquote I laughed, \ldblquote but that counts English. The others are German, Russian, Spanish, and Japanese. I\rquote m probably best at Spanish, I started learning that when I was like three. German is the least fluent, because that\rquote s the one I\rquote m taking in school.\rdblquote
\ldblquote School really slows you down, doesn\rquote t it.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yeah, and that\rquote s what makes me stick out like a sore thumb more than anything.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I can see that.\rdblquote He thought for a minute. \ldblquote Five freakin\rquote languages. Jesus.\rdblquote
\ldblquote That kind of stuff I\rquote m incredibly fast at.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Is that what you want to do?\rdblquote
\ldblquote I was leaning more towards the other thing. I think I want to do something with science. Engineering or something. Or maybe even theoretical physics or the like.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yeah,\rdblquote he said. \ldblquote And in this whole global economy, speaking all those languages can only help you. Even if you go into research in something like theoretical physics, you\rquote d be communicating around the world.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Exactly. I\rquote m going to do Chinese in college because that\rquote s going to be an important language. Anyhow, what do you want to do?\rdblquote
He smiled at me. \ldblquote Well, we sort of share an affinity for math, but not the same type of math. For me, it\rquote s figures. I\rquote m taking accounting this year and I love it and I\rquote m good at it.\rdblquote
\ldblquote So, you\rquote re thinking along those lines?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yeah.\rdblquote
\ldblquote That\rquote s cool.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Look, I know this is quick,\rdblquote he said.
\ldblquote We already decided that,\rdblquote I laughed.
\ldblquote Yes, but I\rquote m about to get quicker. I was wondering if, you know, you\rquote d like to make this a steady thing. You know, us. Exclusive.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Craig Tolland, are you asking me to be your girlfriend?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Well, yes,\rdblquote he grinned.
\ldblquote Then, yes,\rdblquote I grinned back, and leaned over and kissed him. \ldblquote Was there every any doubt?\rdblquote
\ldblquote There\rquote s always doubt.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Not in this case.\rdblquote Then I realised something. \ldblquote What I promised you Thursday meant a lot to you.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yes, it did.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Good. Look, I would never \b ever\b0 put the burden on your head of saving my life or anything stupid like that. I\rquote d never do that to you. It wouldn\rquote t be fair.\rdblquote I took a breath. \ldblquote But you help, OK?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Good,\rdblquote he said. \ldblquote And I mean it.\rdblquote
\ldblquote God, I really am crazy about you, Lyubovnik.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Same goes,\rdblquote he said. \ldblquote Lyu-what?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Lyubovnik. It\rquote s Russian. It\rquote s your new pet nickname. If we\rquote re going out, we have to have pet nicknames for one another, right?\rdblquote
He looked at me and cracked up. \ldblquote God. Remember when you were in the hospital and I told you that last year I thought you were part 16 years old and part 30?\rdblquote I nodded. \ldblquote Well, apparently I missed the part that was, you know, \b ten\b0 .\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh, her. I had her locked up. She\rquote s just escaped recently.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Good, she needed to,\rdblquote he said. \ldblquote So, what\rquote s that thing mean, anyway?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Lyubovnik? Hmm. Maybe someday I\rquote ll tell you,\rdblquote I smirked.
\ldblquote Oh, jeez. Forget engineering, you should go into the CIA. International Woman of Mystery.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Klusse--Ginny Klusse,\rdblquote I deadpanned, then cracked up. \ldblquote Doesn\rquote t quite roll off the tongue like \lquote Bond--James Bond\rquote , does it?\rdblquote
We snuggled and kissed and cuddled for a while after that, until it was time for him to go. He walked me to my door and kissed me again. I watched him go back down the walk.
When I went in the house, Mom and Dad were sitting there, watching a movie on TV. \ldblquote So, how was your date?\rdblquote Mom asked.
I couldn\rquote t help it--I screamed it. \ldblquote GINNY\rquote S GOT A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!\rdblquote
\b --THIRTEEN--\b0
Shannon was ecstatic for me in our session on Tuesday. Then came group on Thursday. That was interesting.
One of the things Shannon always had us discuss was our successes and setbacks. So, of course, Ginny having a boyfriend came up.
They were all happy for me. Of course, Zoe had to say something. It\rquote d come up in previous sessions that Zoe was no virgin. \ldblquote Good, maybe now you\rquote ll get laid,\rdblquote Zoe said.
\ldblquote Well, not right now,\rdblquote I laughed. \ldblquote I\rquote m going to have to play a little bit hard to get. But I\rquote m looking forward to it.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Sex isn\rquote t all it\rquote s cracked up to be,\rdblquote Karen said.
\ldblquote How would \b you\b0 know?\rdblquote I asked her. \ldblquote You\rquote ve never had sex.\rdblquote She looked at me incredulously. \ldblquote You haven\rquote t. I might not be a shrink, but I know enough to know that rape is \b not\b0 sex.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I tell her that all the time,\rdblquote Shannon said.
\ldblquote But, it\rquote s different,\rdblquote Karen said. \ldblquote I mean, I responded. A couple of times I \b came\b0 !\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh, that don\rquote t mean shit,\rdblquote Zoe said. \ldblquote All that is is physical. It\rquote s a part of your body that responds to stimulation getting it. That\rquote s all it is. Look, if you rub my clittie a certain way, I\rquote m \b gonna\b0 have an orgasm, and whatever else is going on is irrelevant.\rdblquote
\ldblquote That can\rquote t be true,\rdblquote Karen said.
\ldblquote It is. Look, one of my many talents is that I give an absolutely hellacious blowjob,\rdblquote Zoe said, cracking us all up. \ldblquote It\rquote s true. I\rquote ll make you forget your damn name.
\ldblquote Anyhow, Seth is gay. Not attracted to girls at all. I\rquote m guessing that if I stripped naked right now, Seth\rquote s Little Head wouldn\rquote t even twitch, am I right?\rdblquote Seth laughed and nodded agreement.
\ldblquote Right. But if I ripped his pants down and got my mouth on him, I guarantee it would twitch. It\rquote d be like steel in a second, and I\rquote d having him cumming his brains out before he could say \lquote Wait, I\rquote m gay!\rquote Absolutely guarantee it. Because it\rquote d all be a physical sensation.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Don\rquote t you think sex is mental?\rdblquote Shannon asked.
\ldblquote Sometimes. Not always.\rdblquote Her voice dropped a bit. \ldblquote Look, I can tell you guys this. When my brain was more haywire, I slept around. And I mean a lot. I\rquote m not even sixteen years old, and I\rquote m over 50. Guys, I mean.\rdblquote She took a breath. \ldblquote Sex shut up the voices. The ones in my head, I mean. If I was having an orgasm, they weren\rquote t there.
\ldblquote Anyhow, I have, a couple of times, slept with guys I absolutely could not stand because I\rquote d heard they knew their way around a girl. At least twice I had to do it with my eyes closed so I could ignore who I was with. But I came. It was \b all\b0 physical. I\rquote ve also slept with older guys--in some cases, the proverbial old enough to be my daddy. And I\rquote m not particularly attracted to older guys. But they\rquote re experienced and usually good. Hey, I slept with a balding pudgy guy in his forties. He wasn\rquote t attractive at all, and he was a little too enthusiastic about bedding a fifteen year old, if you know what I mean. It was disgusting, if you think about it. He was a fat old pervert. All of which doesn\rquote t change the fact that he made me cum so hard I saw stars. \rdblquote
\ldblquote It\rquote s better when there\rquote s emotions involved,\rdblquote Shannon said.
\ldblquote I have no doubt about that,\rdblquote Zoe agreed, \ldblquote though I can\rquote t quite say I have any experience in it. I\rquote ve had sex with friends, and friends is better than, you know, pickups--but I\rquote ve never been in love. I\rquote m pretty sure I wasn\rquote t capable of love up until recently anyway, not that kind of love.
\ldblquote But my point is you can get off without emotion. I mean, is there anyone here that \b doesn\rquote t\b0 play with themselves?\rdblquote
\ldblquote I used to...before...but I haven\rquote t in a while,\rdblquote Karen said.
\ldblquote Yeah, but you used to. So you know what it is. And it\rquote s completely physical. I\rquote m not having an \b emotional\b0 relationship with my right hand, right?\rdblquote We all cracked up at that. \ldblquote It\rquote s the physical stimulation of a pleasure center. Yeah, I know, fantasizing can help get you off a bit quicker. But it\rquote s still almost all physical.\rdblquote Zoe looked right at Karen. \ldblquote And that\rquote s all it was with you, too.\rdblquote
Karen looked positively grateful. Damn, Zoe was cool.
\ldblquote Zoe, does it now bother you?\rdblquote Shannon asked. \ldblquote Being that active, I mean, and with so many partners.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Somewhat. Because I\rquote m past it, but that\rquote s my reputation, you know? Now that I\rquote m feeling more like an actual human being, I want what Ginny has. But at school I\rquote m the Designated Slut and the crazy chick that tried to off herself.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Well, I\rquote ve got the latter, plus School Brain, and I found someone,\rdblquote I said.
\ldblquote You got damn lucky. And don\rquote t you forget it,\rdblquote Zoe laughed.
\ldblquote Just keep looking, girlfriend. Hey, Sam\rquote s available.\rdblquote
Zoe shot a speculative look at Sam. \ldblquote Hmm. That\rquote s an idea. He\rquote s cute--and sweet, too.\rdblquote
Poor Sam just blushed crimson! Zoe wasn\rquote t done yet. \ldblquote So, Sam. You want me to teach you what I know?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Uh, well, um....\rdblquote
\ldblquote Shit. This is the offer of a lifetime,\rdblquote Zoe teased. Poor Sam just squirmed!
\b --FOURTEEN--\b0
It was November now. The month passed normally.
Well, normally for \b me\b0 , anyhow. Which was more normal than I used to be but not quite, you know?
Craig and I just got closer and closer. We still hadn\rquote t done much physically, but that was OK. He\rquote d confessed that making out was as far as he\rquote d ever gotten--with the odd grab of a boob through a shirt and bra, but that was it. He was a virgin, too. I think that made me feel a little better. So, we were kind of working up to things. That was fine.
I did notice that we\rquote d gone to a school dance in November and he kept playing grab-ass every time we slow danced! \ldblquote OK, so you \b do\b0 have a thing about my ass,\rdblquote I said to him.
\ldblquote Guilty,\rdblquote he grinned.
I was still in therapy, and still in group. And group was working out well, because I considered those people friends. Zoe really was a hot shit. We\rquote d traded phone numbers and talked a couple times a week.
Then, after group one day, Seth came up to me and asked me to go get a cup of coffee. I did, and we were just chatting. In the course of the conversation, he mentioned a place.
\ldblquote It\rquote s kind of a club, but it\rquote s not advertised. I just found out about it a couple months ago, and now I go there almost every weekend. It\rquote s for teenagers, no booze. There\rquote s a coffee bar and couches and tables and stuff in the front room, and a dance floor with a DJ in the back. So you can chat--or make out on a couch,\rdblquote he grinned, \ldblquote or you can go dance.\rdblquote
\ldblquote This is for gay kids I take it?\rdblquote I asked.
\ldblquote Mostly. What they call it is gay-friendly. In other words, straight kids are welcome as long as they\rquote re not going to have a problem with two guys or two girls making out in the corner or dancing with each other.\rdblquote He grinned. \ldblquote You do see some stuff there, though.\rdblquote
\ldblquote What do you mean?\rdblquote
\ldblquote One of my best friends in the world is a girl named Catherine. In fact, she\rquote s the one that told me about this place. I knew her from a camp a few years ago. We still talked, but she didn\rquote t know I was gay--she didn\rquote t find out until after my suicide attempt. That\rquote s when she told me about this club. I didn\rquote t know that she was bi.
\ldblquote Anyhow, she\rquote s bi. She has a boyfriend Tom, and a girlfriend Stephie.\rdblquote
\ldblquote That\rquote s gotta be confusing,\rdblquote I laughed.
\ldblquote Oh, it gets better. Stephie is also bi and has a boyfriend, Rich. Tom and Rich are also bi. You can figure out the rest.\rdblquote
I cracked up. \ldblquote I\rquote ve heard of a love triangle, but a \b square\b0 ?\rdblquote
\ldblquote That\rquote s pretty much how it is, though the two unconnected couples--that\rquote d be Rich and Cath, and Tom and Stephie--aren\rquote t completely hands-off either. The love is along the square, as you called it, but the others really like one another. You see, the parents involved know about the hetero couplings. And are pretty cool with them. They have no problem with the two couples going off for a weekend or something. So there\rquote s been moments where all four have had the opportunity to be in the same place with some privacy. From what they tell me, it\rquote s basically your big pile of orgasming body parts.\rdblquote
\ldblquote So it\rquote s like this big foursome?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yeah. They quote double-date unquote,\rdblquote Seth laughed. \ldblquote Evidently there was one night at the drive-in where it started with the two hetero couples making out, one in each seat--but it ended with guys in front, girls in back, making out.\rdblquote
\ldblquote It\rquote s lucky it worked out, though. I mean how do you arrange something like that?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Very carefully,\rdblquote he deadpanned. \ldblquote Seriously, it started with Cath and Stephie, they\rquote ve been lovers since they were 12. They always knew they were bi, though, so guys were always an option. When Cath met Tom, they fell pretty quickly--and Cath felt she had to tell Tom about Stephie. Tom not only had no problem with it, but confessed he was also bi. They went actively looking for a guy to complete the square after that. They actually met Rich at the club. They noticed he was looking at Tom \b and\b0 Stephie. And Tom and Stephie were both checking \b him\b0 out. So they reeled him in.\rdblquote
\ldblquote That\rquote s great,\rdblquote I laughed. Then I twigged onto it. \ldblquote You\rquote re telling me all this because you want me to come to this club, aren\rquote t you?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yeah. Look, Ginny, I consider you a friend. I like going out with my friends, and this is my favorite place. It\rquote s also safe--and that means for \b you\b0 , too. You know that gay and lesbian teenagers have a ridiculously high rate of suicide, or attempts, or suicidal thoughts.\rdblquote I nodded. \ldblquote Well, the reasons might be different between a depressed gay person and a depressed brain like yourself, but the impulse is similar. The ostracism in school is similar, too. People there that see your wrists will commiserate, not judge. Karen and her boyfriend have actually come a couple of times. Karen loves it--and Aaron thinks it\rquote s cool as well.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Karen and Aaron--I get a kick out of that, rhyming boyfriend and girlfriend\rdblquote I laughed. \ldblquote Anyhow, I think I\rquote d like to. I have to convince Craig, though.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I bet you you don\rquote t. I bet you all you have to do is ask him.\rdblquote
Seth was right. \ldblquote Sure,\rdblquote Craig said the minute I asked him.
\ldblquote You sure you won\rquote t feel uncomfortable?\rdblquote
\ldblquote No. I\rquote m open minded. And I might feel uncomfortable if we just wandered in there out of the blue, but not if Seth is there to introduce us around.\rdblquote
\ldblquote You\rquote ve never met Seth,\rdblquote I laughed.
\ldblquote But he\rquote s your friend, so you\rquote ll introduce him to me and then he\rquote ll introduce us around. I want to meet him, to tell you the truth. Karen, too.\rdblquote
\ldblquote As long as you\rquote re sure.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I\rquote m sure, as long as \b you\rquote re\b0 not going there to satisfy your secret urge for girls,\rdblquote he laughed.
\ldblquote Not hardly,\rdblquote I laughed back. \ldblquote I\rquote m completely straight.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Good.\rdblquote
So we went, a couple Saturdays before Thanksgiving. Seth met us there and led us in.
It was as lot of fun, but it was also very very interesting. And educational. I learned a lot that night.
First of all, I found out that \b everybody\b0 likes Seth. He\rquote s the life of the party. Everybody came over sooner or later. Which was cool for Craig and I, being the newbies, because we got introduced to everyone. But Seth was in his element. He was a people person. It must be especially tough on a people person to be ostracized--here, he wasn\rquote t.
\ldblquote This place must\rquote ve been like a godsend to you,\rdblquote I said to him at one point.
\ldblquote Yep,\rdblquote he agreed happily.
At one point, I saw him talking intently to a good-looking guy. He came back grinning and said, \ldblquote That\rquote s Adam. We\rquote re doing The Dance at the moment.\rdblquote
\ldblquote The Dance?\rdblquote I asked him.
\ldblquote Oh, you know--the little looks, the eye-lock, the shy little smile. All that shit you do right before you ask someone out.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Go for it. He\rquote s cute,\rdblquote I said.
\ldblquote I know,\rdblquote Seth agreed.
So, I liked seeing Seth here.
And then there was Karen. I think part of it was the place--she seemed very at ease and comfortable there. But that wasn\rquote t most of it. Most of it was Aaron.
I\rquote d heard her talk about him, of course. And because of what she\rquote d been through, the way she talked about him sounded almost like they were in a relationship between two scarred people that were hanging on by a thread and didn\rquote t know if they\rquote d ever be able to get past the scars. But, damn, that\rquote s not what it \b looked\b0 like. It looked like two people so hopelessly in love with each other that they wouldn\rquote t notice if a bomb dropped on their heads.
It was very, very nice to see. In group, Karen is Miss Angst, even when she talks about Aaron. When she\rquote s \b with\b0 him? No angst at all. There was one point where we were on a couch. Seth was on a chair facing us, and we were talking, but the rest of us were on a couch. I was sitting, quite happily, on Craig\rquote s lap. But Karen and Aaron were completely curled up together in a little ball. Karen looked like a well-fed cat sunning herself--completely, utterly content. And Aaron just \b doted\b0 on her. I know the hell she\rquote d been through had affected their relationship--but he was just a complete \b rock\b0 . I noticed it immediately. What I really noticed was the touching. Not sexual touching--just rubbing her shoulders or brushing her hair out of her face, stuff like that. Aaron did that constantly. Karen basked in it.
I\rquote d been worried about Karen since the minute I met her. I was a lot less worried after that night.
Anyhow, we had a good time. We danced, drank coffee, talked.
At one point, we were just standing around, and we heard, \ldblquote Jesus, Seth, you brought more \b breeders\b0 in here?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh, shaddap,\rdblquote Seth said, but he was grinning. We looked and saw this short, cute, but very butch girl approaching the table. \ldblquote Terri, this is Ginny. She\rquote s in group with me. And this is her boyfriend Craig.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Nice to meet you,\rdblquote Terri grinned, shaking our hands. \ldblquote I was just kidding with the breeder crack.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I know,\rdblquote I laughed.
\ldblquote So, Seth, another from group? You gonna get them all in here eventually?\rdblquote
\ldblquote There\rquote s only two more. I don\rquote t know if I could get them to come,\rdblquote Seth said.
\ldblquote Oh, Zoe would come,\rdblquote Karen said. \ldblquote Zoe would come just for the hell of it.\rdblquote
\ldblquote She might come for other reasons,\rdblquote I laughed. \ldblquote We talk on the phone, and she once told me that she was ninety percent straight and ten percent curious.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Sounds like a fish waiting to be reeled in,\rdblquote Terri laughed. \ldblquote What about the other one?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Sam? No, no, never, no,\rdblquote Seth said. \ldblquote Sam would be scared shitless coming in here.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Sam\rquote s scared of everything, the poor kid,\rdblquote I said. \ldblquote Including his own shadow.\rdblquote
\ldblquote And Zoe,\rdblquote Karen laughed.
\ldblquote What about you?\rdblquote Terri asked me. \ldblquote Are you ten percent curious?\rdblquote
\ldblquote I am a hundred percent straight, and a hundred and ten percent \b his\b0 ,\rdblquote I laughed, pointing at Craig.
\ldblquote OK, OK,\rdblquote Terri laughed. \ldblquote It\rquote s a damn, shame, though, Girl, you have a \b hell\b0 of an ass.\rdblquote
Oh, GOD. I did not want to look at Craig. I did anyway. I was right--complete self-satisfied shit-eating grin. And then the bastard said to Terri, \ldblquote Tell her that again, please.\rdblquote
\ldblquote What? That she has a grade A ass? She does.\rdblquote She looked back at me. \ldblquote If you weren\rquote t straight and taken I\rquote d love to get my hands all over it.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Thank you,\rdblquote Craig laughed.
\ldblquote I missed something,\rdblquote Terri said.
\ldblquote You just confirmed what I\rquote ve been telling her for two months,\rdblquote Craig laughed. \ldblquote She keeps saying it\rquote s fat. I keep telling her it\rquote s delicious.\rdblquote
Terri looked at Craig, then looked at me, and said, \ldblquote Keep him.\rdblquote And then walked off. Craig couldn\rquote t stop laughing.
\ldblquote Now I\rquote m gonna think everyone\rquote s looking at my ass all night!\rdblquote I said.
\ldblquote Ginny, I look at your ass every night,\rdblquote Craig said.
\ldblquote You are in big trouble, Lyubovnik.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I can\rquote t wait,\rdblquote he grinned.
\b --FIFTEEN--\b0
School was good. And bad.
The good part was I wasn\rquote t alone. The bad part was that the vultures seemed to be coming out of the woodwork again.
A lot of the whispering and catcalls and insults were back. I tried to shrug them off. I guess the \lquote novelty\rquote of my suicide attempt had worn off. And although the teachers weren\rquote t pinning me down in class much anymore, they found other ways. Ellis graded a damn essay test on a curve, and made sure the whole class knew who exactly was perched on the top swoop of the curve. Me, of course.
Look, I don\rquote t care how thick your skin is. And I don\rquote t care how useless you might think certain people are. When you hear one of those useless people refer to your own suicide attempt and say, \ldblquote It\rquote s just too bad that they found the bitch in time,\rdblquote it hurts.
Overall it was probably a lot less, but I was right--the suicide attempt gave them new ammunition. People yelling, \ldblquote There\rquote s a knife--hide it from Ginny!\rdblquote and the like.
And I wasn\rquote t any better at standing up for myself. Some people badly needed a loudly delivered, \ldblquote Oh, fuck off, you stupid git!\rdblquote And I just didn\rquote t have that kind of thing in me.
The good part was lunch. Because I wasn\rquote t eating alone anymore. Craig ate with me every day, of course. Johanna and Alex joined as well, as did Cap. And there was one other--Angela.
God, I did a good thing. Can I say that? Fuck it. I did a damn good thing. Because something had happened to that girl.
I don\rquote t know how \lquote close\rquote she really was. Thinking about suicide is not exactly uncommon in teenagerdom. \b Trying\b0 it is another kettle of fish, of course. But thinking about it--lots of kids think about it. She may have never tried it. I don\rquote t think she ever got really close to trying it. The fact that she was confident of her parents\rquote love might\rquote ve kept her from actually trying it. It was a low-grade hum in the back of her mind, but she\rquote d never attempted it.
That\rquote s a roundabout way of saying that I\rquote m not by any means taking credit for \lquote saving her life\rquote or any of that shit. But Shannon was clearly helping her. And I forced the issue. That I will take credit for.
To say that she \lquote blossomed\rquote or \lquote burst out of her shell\rquote would be a ridiculous overstatement. But she was at least peeking her head out of the shell and taking a look around. I mean, she actually talked. She even \b smiled\b0 once in a while. I\rquote d even seen her walking the halls without hugging the wall like she wanted it to suck her in or something. I mean, when we were eating lunch together, there were six \b people\b0 at that lunch table--not five people and one mannequin. She talked to us. Now, she didn\rquote t talk as much as Johanna--\b nobody\b0 talks as much as Johanna--but she interacted. This was big, big progress.
So, I was a bit dismayed to see her approach me one day after school. She looked like the old Angela--downcast eyes, chewing on her bottom lip, all hunched over like she wanted to curl up into an inconspicuous ball. \ldblquote Can I talk to you?\rdblquote she said in that tiny little voice. Uh-oh. \b Last\b0 time she asked me that....
\ldblquote Sure,\rdblquote I said, faking being chipper. \ldblquote Why don\rquote t I give you a ride home? That way we can talk, and I\rquote ll save you from the horrors of the bus.\rdblquote At least I got a little giggle.
We got in the car, and I started it up. \ldblquote So, what\rquote s on your mind? I said.
\ldblquote Cap asked me out.\rdblquote
Didn\rquote t expect \b that\b0 ! \ldblquote That\rquote s great!\rdblquote Then I looked over at her--it was still the old miserable Angela. \ldblquote Wait a minute, isn\rquote t it great? Did you turn him down?\rdblquote
\ldblquote I told him I\rquote d tell him tomorrow.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Do you want to go out with him?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh, yes!\rdblquote
\ldblquote So what\rquote s the problem?\rdblquote
\ldblquote My parents,\rdblquote she said miserably. \ldblquote I don\rquote t know how they\rquote re going to react.\rdblquote
\ldblquote They\rquote re kind of overprotective, aren\rquote t they?\rdblquote
\ldblquote No. Yes. Well, they kind of are, but I don\rquote t think that\rquote s the problem,\rdblquote she said. \ldblquote It\rquote s not me going out on a date. I think they\rquote d be OK with that.\rdblquote She took a breath. \ldblquote I just don\rquote t know how they\rquote re going to react to me going out with someone who\rquote s Black.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh,\rdblquote I said. That was a toughie. \ldblquote Are they prejudiced?\rdblquote
\ldblquote I don\rquote t know. They\rquote ve never come out and said, but there\rquote s the odd comment. If there\rquote s something on the news about bad stuff happening in the city\rdblquote --Detroit, she meant--\rdblquote they\rquote ll make a comment about \lquote those people\rquote . I don\rquote t know at all what\rquote s going to happen.\rdblquote
\ldblquote You won\rquote t know until you ask.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yeah.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Do you have any problem with it?\rdblquote
\ldblquote God, NO!\rdblquote she burst out.
Ah, I think I got it now. We had gotten to her house, and I waited until I pulled over and stopped the car to ask. \ldblquote You really like Cap, don\rquote t you?\rdblquote
Boy. When that girl blushed it was like a sunburn. A three-day sunburn. \ldblquote Yeah, I really like him,\rdblquote she admitted. \ldblquote God, Ginny, he makes me laugh! Great big belly laughs. Nobody\rquote s ever made me laugh like that! Plus, he\rquote s really sweet. And he\rquote s interesting. I can listen to him talk about sailing all day long, and I\rquote ve never even been on a boat in my life.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Good, you like him. Look, Angela, if you like him that much--it\rquote s worth standing up for.\rdblquote
\ldblquote You mean with my parents?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Sure. Look, if they forbid you to date Cap only because he\rquote s Black, what would you think about that?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Well, I\rquote d be very upset of course.\rdblquote
\ldblquote That\rquote s not what I meant.\rdblquote
\ldblquote What did you mean?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Angela, it\rquote d be wrong. Very wrong for them to do that. You\rquote d be in the right, they\rquote d be in the wrong. Remember that.\rdblquote
She took a breath. \ldblquote You have a point, but there\rquote s another. Look, this isn\rquote t 1964, but I\rquote m not stupid. Interracial relationships still get a hard time from some people.\rdblquote
\ldblquote True. But it wouldn\rquote t stop you would it?\rdblquote
\ldblquote No! I don\rquote t care what people think.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Then you tell your parents that, too. Angela, when I came over and told your mother you were thinking of suicide, I scared the crap out of her. They want you to be happy. If they\rquote re worried about you--and not just being bigots--they will give you a chance to convince them this is what you want.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Hmm. That makes sense.\rdblquote She smiled, finally. \ldblquote Thanks, Ginny. You\rquote re the best.\rdblquote
\ldblquote No problem. Good luck.\rdblquote
\b --SIXTEEN--\b0
It all worked out--for Angela, I mean. Angela told them she got asked out, and they were thrilled. And then she told them he was Black. Evidently, they were very good about it. They were kind of worried about what Angela had talked about, that people would give her and Cap a hard time. Once they realized that she didn\rquote t care, they let her go.
So, November passed into December.
One cool thing was that my parents actually offered to make Thanksgiving dinner. I turned them down, but the offer was nice!
We\rquote d always gone to a restaurant, at least for the last 10 years or so. Mom couldn\rquote t be bothered with cooking--and, of course, I\rquote d never said that it bothered me that she didn\rquote t. This year, she told me she would.
Things at home had been, well, OK. Once the immediate crisis with me had passed, Mom and Dad did go back to the old habits a bit. Their work hours started getting ridiculous.
But not always, and not as much. They were trying for a balance. And one of them--usually Mom--called me every day after school. And if I even hinted that I\rquote d like supper at home with both of them, it happened. They made sure they were home at least a couple nights a week for supper, and they stopped the early morning working and were always there for breakfast. It wasn\rquote t perfect, but it was a good change. I knew they were trying.
When Mom actually offered to do the whole Thanksgiving turkey thing, I really knew they were trying. The problem was, a couple days before, Craig had offered to have me go over his house!
I\rquote d only just met his parents a week or so before that. I guess there was a bit of a problem there. His parents weren\rquote t thrilled we were going out. That first couple days that I was in the hospital, his Mom had noticed he was preoccupied, and asked why. He ended up telling her. And then we ended up going out. I\rquote m sure she was apprehensive--her son was now dating the whacko that slit her wrists.
I\rquote d noticed that he\rquote d never asked me over there to meet his family, but I didn\rquote t say anything. I figured that was his business. I found out about his parents\rquote worry afterwards. I guess after a month or so of us going out, his parents figured it wasn\rquote t going away. So, on a Friday night a week and a half before Thanksgiving, we were planning on hitting another football game, when he told me his parents wanted me to come over for dinner.
As I said, I only found out exactly what his mother had been thinking later--but I could guess. He seemed very nervous--uncharacteristically so--about this supper invitation. But I easily accepted. I didn\rquote t want to have to hide \lquote us\rquote from his parents.
So, I was bound and determined to make the best impression that I could. Neurotic Ginny had been banished for the duration. Sweet Happy Loving Ginny was the only one invited. Now I just had to find her!
Craig picked me up and brought me to his house. Damn, he really was nervous. I got led in, and introduced to his parents. They were friendly, but obviously guarded.
Craig also had a sister, he\rquote d mentioned her once or twice. She was 13, her name was Laurie. I met her, too. She seemed very nice. Kind of quiet. Not Angela quiet, but somewhat. I wondered how much she knew.
We sat in the living room while the supper was finishing. \ldblquote So,\rdblquote his Dad started, \ldblquote you guys are going to the football game?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yep,\rdblquote Craig smiled.
\ldblquote Kind of cold out there tonight,\rdblquote Mr. Tolland said.
\ldblquote Well, that just means it\rquote s a good excuse to cuddle,\rdblquote I said. \ldblquote God knows we\rquote re not going to see our horrible football team. I\rquote m just giving him no choice but to keep me warm.\rdblquote I grinned at Craig. \ldblquote And that includes copious hot chocolate, Lyubovnik.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Your wish is my command, Princess.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Ooh, Princess. I think I like that one.\rdblquote
\ldblquote What did you call him?\rdblquote his sister Laurie asked.
\ldblquote Lyubovnik. It\rquote s Russian.\rdblquote
\ldblquote What\rquote s it mean?\rdblquote Laurie asked.
\ldblquote Well, I\rquote ll let him tell you just as soon as I tell \b him\b0 . For now, it\rquote s a secret.\rdblquote
\ldblquote You\rquote re such a brat,\rdblquote Craig said.
\ldblquote You know it.\rdblquote
It went well. It seemed it was going well. I was loose and relaxed, and Craig seemed so as well. His parents were fine.
So, we ate. Mrs. Tolland is an excellent cook and I told her so. We\rquote d eaten a fine meal and now we were having apple crisp for desert.
The only problem I\rquote d seen throughout the the meal--and a bit beforehand--was that Laurie kept staring at me. She didn\rquote t say much, but kept looking at me. I guessed she had something on her mind. Then, in the middle of the apple crisp, she said it.
\ldblquote Ginny? Did you really try to kill yourself?\rdblquote
\ldblquote LAURIE!\rdblquote her mother and Craig shouted simultaneously.
Laurie looked at them, not happy. \ldblquote Nobody tells me anything!\rdblquote she spat. \ldblquote I hear all this whispering. Or conversations that end the minute I get in the room. What am I, six? The little kid that doesn\rquote t know what suicide is?\rdblquote She looked at Craig. \ldblquote I\rquote ve gotten teased in school about this!\rdblquote
\ldblquote What?\rdblquote Craig croaked.
\ldblquote A couple kids in my grade have brothers and sisters in the high school. They know what\rquote s going on. \lquote Hey, Laurie, I hear your brother\rquote s going out with a nutcase!\rquote\rdblquote I think we were all completely pale at that point--I know I was. \ldblquote So,\rdblquote Laurie continued, to me, \ldblquote did you really try to kill yourself?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yes, I did,\rdblquote I said.
\ldblquote How?\rdblquote she asked. So, I pulled up my sleeves and showed her my wrists. She visibly blanched at the sight of my scars. I knew what was coming next. \ldblquote Why?\rdblquote she asked.
\ldblquote That\rquote s complicated,\rdblquote I said.
\ldblquote I\rquote m not stupid, I can understand complicated,\rdblquote Laurie spat.
\ldblquote I have no doubt you can, but if I tried to explain it all, we\rquote d miss the football game,\rdblquote I said with a grin--which at least got a hint of one from Laurie. \ldblquote The short version is lonliness. Lonliness and being ostracized and pressure.\rdblquote
\ldblquote What made you so lonely?\rdblquote That was from Craig\rquote s mother, who decided to get in on the conversation.
\ldblquote Oh, I had no friends. I mean zero,\rdblquote I said. \ldblquote And I know now my parents love me, but I didn\rquote t then. They weren\rquote t very great at showing me. That\rquote s getting better.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Why did you have no friends?\rdblquote Laurie asked.
\ldblquote Most of the kids in school hate me,\rdblquote I said.
\ldblquote Why?\rdblquote Mrs. Tolland asked.
\ldblquote Just things about me. I didn\rquote t help, but I didn\rquote t realize that at the time.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I don\rquote t understand,\rdblquote Laurie said. \ldblquote You seem nice to me.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Well, thank you,\rdblquote I grinned, but didn\rquote t say anything more.
\ldblquote You\rquote re not going to say it, are you?\rdblquote Craig said to me. I just shrugged. \ldblquote You know, that\rquote s what I hate the most about this. Those jerks in school have made you ashamed of what you are. That just sucks. Well, if you\rquote re not going to say it, I am.\rdblquote He turned to his family. \ldblquote The reason kids in school hate her is jealousy. You see, she\rquote s the smartest person in school. Heck with that, I think she\rquote s the smartest person in \b Michigan\b0 .\rdblquote
\ldblquote Let\rquote s not get carried away,\rdblquote I laughed.
\ldblquote Wouldn\rquote t surprise me,\rdblquote he grinned back. \ldblquote She\rquote s never gotten anything less than an A in her life,\rdblquote he continued to his family. \ldblquote She wrecks the curve in every class. She\rquote s a whiz at math and science. And she speaks five languages.\rdblquote
\ldblquote FIVE?\rdblquote Laurie spat.
\ldblquote That\rquote s what he said,\rdblquote I laughed, pointing to Craig.
\ldblquote So, that\rquote s why they pick on her. Sheer jealousy,\rdblquote Craig said. He turned to Laurie. \ldblquote So, squirt, any time any of those kids tease you about your brother going out with a \lquote nutcase\rquote , you just tell \lquote em, \lquote No, my brother goes out with a genius!\rquote\rdblquote Laurie grinned at that one. Craig sat back and put his hands behind his head. \ldblquote Hell, I figure if we ever get married, I won\rquote t even have to work. I\rquote ll just stay home and raise the kids and let her beautiful brains make me rich!\rdblquote
We all laughed at that, me most of all. \ldblquote Well, sweetie, maybe if I go into engineering,\rdblquote I told him. \ldblquote But theoretical physicists don\rquote t generally get rich.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Engineering it is, then,\rdblquote he proclaimed with a little smirk. I just whacked him on the shoulder.
After the laughter died down, Laurie asked the kicker. \ldblquote You\rquote re not going to do it again, are you?\rdblquote
I took a breath and gave my standard answer. \ldblquote I\rquote m working very hard on not wanting to.\rdblquote
\ldblquote What does that mean?\rdblquote Mr. Tolland asked, a bit roughly.
\ldblquote Dad...\rdblquote Craig said.
\ldblquote Look,\rdblquote Mrs. Tolland interjected. \ldblquote Ginny, this isn\rquote t easy for us. We worry about Craig dating someone.....\rdblquote and she faltered.
I finished for her. \ldblquote Unstable? I can understand that. Look, Craig and I have talked about this, you know. It worries him, too.\rdblquote
\ldblquote It does,\rdblquote he agreed, \ldblquote I won\rquote t lie about it. But I couldn\rquote t help falling in love with her, so we deal with it.\rdblquote
My heart skipped a good three beats at that. He\rquote d never said he was in love with me before! This wasn\rquote t the time to deal with that however. Make no mistake, though, I basked in it! \ldblquote Anyhow, as to what you asked, Mr. Tolland,\rdblquote I said, \ldblquote this is the way my therapist talks about it. Suicide isn\rquote t a disease, it\rquote s a symptom. You don\rquote t cure suicidal thoughts. You cure what\rquote s causing them. That\rquote s what I\rquote m trying to do.\rdblquote
\ldblquote She made me a promise a while ago,\rdblquote Craig told them. \ldblquote She promised that if she ever felt that way again, she\rquote d at least talk to me about it. We\rquote d talk it out before she did anything foolish. I\rquote m gonna hold her to that promise.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Things are better?\rdblquote Mrs. Tolland asked.
\ldblquote Lots better,\rdblquote I said. \ldblquote My parents and I are working things out, I\rquote ve made some friends, and I\rquote ve got this guy,\rdblquote I said, grinning at Craig. \ldblquote Things aren\rquote t perfect--most of the school is going to hate me right through graduation--but I\rquote m insulated from it somewhat due to Craig and the friends I\rquote ve made.\rdblquote
\ldblquote But what if Craig is the problem?\rdblquote his mom asked. \ldblquote What if he breaks up with you? Are you going to threaten to do it again? That\rquote s what we worry about, putting that kind of burden on Craig.\rdblquote
I took a breath around the lump in my throat. Yes, I\rquote ve thought of this, as much as I don\rquote t want to. \ldblquote I\rquote m not going to lie--if Craig broke up with me, it\rquote d be tough. But I have other places to go, people to turn to, if that should happen. I\rquote m not making any promises, but I think I\rquote d get through it. I told him once that I didn\rquote t ever plan on ever forcing him to be my savior, and I meant it.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Besides which, why the heck would I ever break up with her?\rdblquote Craig asked with a smile. Oh, thank you, sweetie, I thought to myself. \ldblquote She\rquote s just about perfect for me.\rdblquote
\ldblquote You never know,\rdblquote Mr. Tolland said. \ldblquote Kids fight.\rdblquote
\ldblquote We don\rquote t really,\rdblquote I said.
\ldblquote Yeah,\rdblquote Craig agreed. \ldblquote The closest we ever come to fighting is when she has one of her days when her self-esteem is in the toilet. And that\rquote s not really fighting, that\rquote s me lecturing her.\rdblquote
\ldblquote True story,\rdblquote I laughed.
\ldblquote But there\rquote s things you might not have thought about. Things that come up with teenagers dating,\rdblquote Mrs. Tolland said. \ldblquote I mean, what about sex?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Mom!\rdblquote Craig yelled.
\ldblquote Well,\rdblquote Mrs. Tolland said, \ldblquote it\rquote s an issue that breaks up a lot of teenagers. I know Craig is a good boy, but he\rquote s a boy. Boys push things. What would you say, Ginny, if Craig tried to put his hand up your shirt at the football game?\rdblquote
\ldblquote MOM!!!\rdblquote
I was trying very hard to keep my laughter in. \ldblquote Well, if he put his hand up my shirt at the game, I\rquote d probably \b screech\b0 .\rdblquote I turned to Craig. \ldblquote It\rquote s ten degrees out, those hands are gonna be freezing!\rdblquote
\ldblquote Good point,\rdblquote he laughed. \ldblquote Anyhow, Mother, I am not going to discuss my sex life with you, but rest assured I\rquote d never push Ginny to a place she didn\rquote t want to go. Ever.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I trust him,\rdblquote I told them. \ldblquote I trust him more than I\rquote ve ever trusted another person in my entire life. And that\rquote s because he\rquote s \b earned\b0 it.\rdblquote They looked pretty happy at that, at least.
Luckily, it was time to go to the football game.
\ldblquote That must have been tough for you,\rdblquote Craig said quietly in the car. \ldblquote I\rquote m sorry.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Don\rquote t be,\rdblquote I said. \ldblquote I have things to answer for. And I\rquote m so sorry your sister\rquote s been affected by this.\rdblquote
\ldblquote It\rquote s OK. It\rquote ll work itself out.\rdblquote
\ldblquote You think?\rdblquote I snorted. \ldblquote I realized something,\rdblquote I told him. \ldblquote They\rquote re never going to go away, you know.\rdblquote He glanced over at me. \ldblquote The scars. They\rquote re never going to go away. As long as I live, I\rquote m going to have a reminder; one I can\rquote t hide or ignore.\rdblquote
\ldblquote That\rquote s true,\rdblquote he agreed. \ldblquote So, you can take it two ways. You can get down about it. Or you can make it work for you. You know, as kind of an early-warning system.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I see your point, but I was more thinking along the lines of explaining them. I\rquote m going to have to do that forever.\rdblquote
\ldblquote No, you\rquote re not,\rdblquote he said. \ldblquote Look, I was trying to save you from explaining it tonight--but Laurie had a point. However, this was your boyfriend\rquote s family--your boyfriend\rquote s sister. That was different. But there are going to be people who ask--and it\rquote s most of them--that you can justifiably say \lquote None of your fucking business.\rquote\rdblquote
\ldblquote I suppose you\rquote re right. I guess I had a flash of twenty or so years from now having to explain the scars on Mommy\rquote s wrists to my kid.\rdblquote
He turned and grinned at me. \ldblquote Honey, you\rquote re getting better.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Why do you say that?\rdblquote
\ldblquote You just talked about twenty years in the future. And having children, even.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I guess I did,\rdblquote I smiled back.
\ldblquote And, let me tell you something. If you live long enough to have children--if you don\rquote t try this again--you will be able to put it in a place where you can explain it and it doesn\rquote t bother you so much.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yeah,\rdblquote I agreed. \ldblquote I hope.\rdblquote
\ldblquote You will.\rdblquote
We went to the football game. We had a good time. I was able to put it in the corner. Afterwards, he said, \ldblquote We have a few hours before our curfews. You want to do something else?\rdblquote
\ldblquote I want you to take me home,\rdblquote I said. Before he could get upset, I grinned. \ldblquote I figured we could watch TV and make out or something.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Good idea,\rdblquote he grinned back. \ldblquote Won\rquote t your parents be there, though?\rdblquote
\ldblquote If they are, we\rquote ll go up to my room.\rdblquote
\ldblquote They wouldn\rquote t mind?\rdblquote
\ldblquote No,\rdblquote I laughed. \ldblquote Believe me, no. You don\rquote t know my parents.\rdblquote
\ldblquote OK,\rdblquote he said.
We got to my house, and my parents were in fact there. We chatted for a bit, then I said, \ldblquote Craig and I are going to go up to my room and watch TV.\rdblquote
\ldblquote OK, have fun,\rdblquote Mom smiled.
We got up there and Craig looked at me. \ldblquote Your parents know we\rquote re not going to be paying much attention to the TV, don\rquote t they?\rdblquote
\ldblquote No doubt,\rdblquote I laughed. \ldblquote I told you.\rdblquote I got on my bed, lying down on it, looking up over at him. \ldblquote Now get over here and kiss me!\rdblquote
\ldblquote Don\rquote t have to ask twice,\rdblquote he chuckled. We got into it, a nice make-out session sprawled all over the bed. Boy, he could kiss me all day and I wouldn\rquote t even complain about the chapped lips!
We made out for a while, and then he pulled away, a little impish look on his face. \ldblquote So,\rdblquote he said, \ldblquote what \b would\b0 you say if I tried to put my hand up your shirt?\rdblquote
\ldblquote The bra unsnaps in the back, sweetie. And after that I figure it\rquote d just be your basic moaning.\rdblquote
He blinked. \ldblquote You\rquote re serious.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Dead serious. Close your eyes.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Huh?\rdblquote
\ldblquote You heard me, Lyubovnik. Close your eyes, and no peeking!\rdblquote When he did, I quickly stripped off my shirt and bra. Why play games, right? \ldblquote OK, open up,\rdblquote I said.
He did--and his eyes just about bugged right out of his head!
\ldblquote God, you\rquote re beautiful,\rdblquote he croaked. Then he leaned in to kiss me again. As he did, his hand reached out and touched my bare boob.
Oh, it was wonderful. His hand felt so good there, I was basking in it. His kisses drove me wild in the first place, but with the added stimulation, I was flying.
I broke the kiss after a few minutes, though. I had to say it. \ldblquote Craig? I love you, you know.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I love you, too,\rdblquote he grinned. \ldblquote I was working up to saying it. I figured I\rquote d have to say it first.\rdblquote
\ldblquote You did,\rdblquote I grinned back. \ldblquote At your house.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I did, didn\rquote t I? I meant to say it to \b you\b0 first!\rdblquote
\ldblquote I didn\rquote t mind at all.\rdblquote And then I went back to kissing.
He kissed me for a while, then he broke his lips away from mine, and started kissing down my neck. Well, whaddaya know? Wasn\rquote t that fun! A little nibbling on the neck made me feel like a bowl of jello. Amazing.
But Craig didn\rquote t stop at my neck. He kept going. Before I knew it, he had a nipple in his mouth.
And I thought kisses on the neck were thrilling! Oh my Jesus.
I guess there were noises coming out of my mouth. I didn\rquote t really realize it until Craig pulled off my boob and said, \ldblquote Yup, you were right about the moaning,\rdblquote and then went back to it. I kept moaning.
I was a little torn. Part of me--most of me--figured that this was a good first step, that going at a steady pace was good, and I was enjoying the hell out of it anyway. But part of me wanted to strip his clothes off and jump him!
I didn\rquote t. We didn\rquote t have unlimited time, anyhow, and I didn\rquote t want to rush that. So, I just enjoyed what he was doing with his tongue on my nipples. Boy did I enjoy it. No, I didn\rquote t have an orgasm. I\rquote m sensitive but not that sensitive. But I was getting there--it wouldn\rquote t take me long after he left to get myself off!
He broke off after a bit and moved back up to kiss me. I was so wound up I think I pretty much shoved my tongue down his throat! He wasn\rquote t complaining--and he still had a hand curled around my boob.
I broke the kiss and hugged him, tight--trapping his hand right where it was. \ldblquote I love you,\rdblquote I said again.
\ldblquote I love you too.\rdblquote
I got a glimpse at the clock. \ldblquote I hate to say this--I \b really\b0 hate to say this--but your curfew is in fifteen minutes.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I know,\rdblquote he said, sighing, untangling himself from me.
I sat up. \ldblquote Where\rquote s my shirt?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Don\rquote t put it on yet,\rdblquote he said.
\ldblquote Well, I was going to put it on to walk you down.\rdblquote
\ldblquote No. I know my way out. I want you to stay right like that until I leave. I want that image burned into my brain.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I think I like the sound of that,\rdblquote I said. \ldblquote Because I know exactly what you\rquote re going to be doing the minute you get home.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh, God,\rdblquote he hissed.
\ldblquote Well? What do you think I\rquote m going to be doing the minute you leave?\rdblquote I wrapped my arms around him again and leaned in. \ldblquote Next time we\rquote ll have to start this a bit earlier, so I can help!\rdblquote
\ldblquote God, Ginny, what you do to me,\rdblquote he hissed. \ldblquote I have been trying very hard not to push this.\rdblquote
\ldblquote You haven\rquote t. At all. No worries on that score, love,\rdblquote I told him.
\ldblquote I still don\rquote t want to push it,\rdblquote he said, ever the gentleman.
I leaned into his ear again and whispered, \ldblquote Can\rquote t rape the willing.\rdblquote I think his eyes about bugged out of his head on that one! \ldblquote But, unfortunately, Lyubovnik, now you have to go. All I need is for you to get grounded.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Good point,\rdblquote he laughed. He reluctantly climbed out of the bed and stared at me--lying there grinning up at him--for a full minute. \ldblquote Night, love,\rdblquote he said.
\ldblquote Sweet dreams,\rdblquote I giggled.
\ldblquote Oh, you betcha.\rdblquote And then he was gone.
I just stayed right where I was, reclining on the bed, naked from the waist up. I was going to do exactly what I\rquote d said, but I was in no hurry. I was too busy reliving his hands all over my boobs.
There was a knock on my door. \ldblquote Ginny? Is everything OK?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Fine, Mom, why do you ask?\rdblquote
\ldblquote The way Craig got out of here. And you didn\rquote t come down with him. I thought you might have had a fight.\rdblquote
\ldblquote He was coming up on curfew,\rdblquote I said. \ldblquote And he didn\rquote t want me to walk him down.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Why not?\rdblquote\line
Hmmm. Well, Mom was open, right? \ldblquote You can come in, Mom, but you\rquote re going to get an eyeful.\rdblquote She opened the door--and saw me there. And cracked up laughing. \ldblquote He wanted to remember me like this, that\rquote s why he didn\rquote t want me to walk him down.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I\rquote ll bet,\rdblquote she laughed, closing the door behind her. I was remarkably unselfconscious about sitting in my room with my boobs hanging out talking to my mother. She really could be cool. \ldblquote Your first time for this sort of thing?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yeah. And we kind of ran out of time, so this was all we did. That\rquote s the other reason he was in a hurry--to get home and, you know, take care of himself.\rdblquote
That just made her laugh harder. \ldblquote What about you?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Well, you interrupted me.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Sorry,\rdblquote she said, still laughing.
\ldblquote No biggie, I was in no hurry.\rdblquote Then I got an idea. \ldblquote Hey, Mom. Since you\rquote re so open-minded and all, you want to help me give my boyfriend a naughty present?\rdblquote
\ldblquote What?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Over on my computer desk. Grab my digital camera.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Ooo, you little minx!\rdblquote she said, cracking up. \ldblquote But it\rquote s nice to see you really are my daughter.\rdblquote She grinned at me. \ldblquote In my day, of course, it wasn\rquote t digital cameras. It was Polaroids. Taken with a self-timer in my dorm room. I think your father still has them.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Unbelievable,\rdblquote I grinned. She had the camera. \ldblquote Wait,\rdblquote I said. I stood up and started shucking my pants.
\ldblquote You\rquote re going full-nude? Honey, he might like to see that in person first.\rdblquote
\ldblquote No. I\rquote m keeping my panties on. Plus I\rquote m gonna cover up a bit.\rdblquote I arranged myself in bed, with the blanket suggestively draped over my hips and ass and naughty bits. You could clearly see my bare legs though. \ldblquote I just want to give him a hint.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Good idea,\rdblquote she laughed. She got the camera, and I got into position. \ldblquote Smile big,\rdblquote she said. I did. She snapped off a few.
\ldblquote Mom, I wish I figured out before, you know, how cool you were,\rdblquote I said, meaning it to the bottom of my heart.
\ldblquote I wish I\rquote d shown you better,\rdblquote she said. I got up, grabbed the camera from her, and hooked it up to my computer. \ldblquote Email?\rdblquote she said.
\ldblquote Of course,\rdblquote I grinned.
\ldblquote Do you trust him that much?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yes,\rdblquote I said firmly.
\ldblquote Good.\rdblquote
I extracted the photos and emailed them to Craig as fast as I could. That done, I reached for my cell phone. \ldblquote Hello?\rdblquote he said.
\ldblquote Hi, honey, you home yet?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Just pulling into the driveway. Is something wrong?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Nope. Just this. When you get up into your room--and when you\rquote re absolutely sure you\rquote re completely alone up there--check your email. Love you.\rdblquote Then I threw a kiss and hung up.
Mom was still laughing. \ldblquote Good show. He\rquote ll love it. Anyhow, I\rquote ll leave you alone now,\rdblquote she said with a twinkle in her eye.
\ldblquote Thanks,\rdblquote I said. She left.
And I was right. Didn\rquote t take me long at all. And it was the best I\rquote d ever given myself, and by a lot.
Right after I stopped quivering, my cell phone rang. \ldblquote Hello?\rdblquote I said.
\ldblquote You are unbelievable, and I\rquote ve never cum that hard in my life.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Ditto,\rdblquote I laughed. \ldblquote I\rquote m glad you liked them.\rdblquote
\ldblquote God. You surprise me,\rdblquote he said. \ldblquote What was that, a self timer?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Actually, my Mom took them for me.\rdblquote
\ldblquote WHAT?!?!?\rdblquote
\ldblquote She really is very cool.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Good. And I\rquote m glad you found that out,\rdblquote he said.
\ldblquote So am I. Almost as glad I found out how cool \b you\b0 are.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Same goes, honey.\rdblquote
\b --SEVENTEEN--\b0
I ended up going to Craig\rquote s for Thanksgiving. I talked it over with Mom and Dad. I made sure they knew I was thrilled with their offer. But when they found out Craig had invited me, they told me they\rquote d not be upset at all if I went over there. I\rquote d told Mom about some of the stuff that had happened with his family. \ldblquote Then that\rquote s good they invited you,\rdblquote she said, \ldblquote they want and need to get to know you better.\rdblquote
\ldblquote That\rquote s what I figured,\rdblquote I said.
\ldblquote And, I\rquote ll be honest--I would\rquote ve gladly made turkey if you wanted me to, but your father and I really would rather go to the restaurant.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Good!\rdblquote I laughed.
So, I went there. It was fine. A lot more relaxed than the first time, even though there were grandparents and aunts and uncles and all there. I made sure I talked as much as I could with Laurie--she needed the reassurance more than anyone, I think. It was good.
And, yes, the Saturday after Thanksgiving--Dad got tickets for the Michigan-Ohio State game. For all four of us, meaning Craig as well. We had a blast and the Wolverines won.
So, November got into December.
I got a phone call on a Sunday early in December. It was from Zoe. She had news.
She\rquote d actually gotten Sam to go out with her!
\ldblquote And we had a really good time,\rdblquote she said. \ldblquote We spent all afternoon and evening together yesterday. He opens up more one-on-one. It was nice.\rdblquote She sighed. \ldblquote He\rquote s what I need--a nice, sweet guy who knows what I\rquote m really like and the problems I have. I knew I liked him before the date, but now I really know.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Did you jump him?\rdblquote I laughed.
\ldblquote NO! Shit, Ginny, I finally got him to \b stop\b0 being scared of me, I don\rquote t want him to \b start\b0 again!\rdblquote
\ldblquote I know, I was just teasing,\rdblquote I laughed.
\ldblquote I did, however, give him the kiss of his life. Which he liked a lot, I could tell.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Good for you!\rdblquote
So, things were better. My friends seemed happier. Even Cap and Angela had somehow, very quickly, become near-inseperable. And Angela told me that her parents loved Cap. Five minutes after she brought him home, they were instantly at ease about their relationship. That was good to hear.
Craig and I hadn\rquote t had a chance to get any further--physically, I mean--but that was fine, we had time. All those \ldblquote I love you\rdblquote murumurs while we were kissing was the important part. My parents were rallying nicely still. School wasn\rquote t perfect, but fuck it. For once, I had more good things in my life than bad things. By a lot.
And then it all curdled.
It happened two days after that phone chat with Zoe. It being a Tuesday, I had therapy with Shannon. I\rquote d been doing so well she was talking about going down to every other week with our individual therapy, but we hadn\rquote t yet. So, it was Tuesday, so there I was.
I walked in to Shannon\rquote s office. She had her head down looking at her desk. \ldblquote What\rquote s up, Doc?\rdblquote I chirped. Then she looked up.
She looked like death.
\ldblquote Ginny, sit down,\rdblquote she said in the gravest voice I\rquote ve ever heard her use. I went and sat in front of her. Oh, shit. This was bad. This was really bad.
I was right. \ldblquote Ginny...sometime this morning...Sam somehow got a hold of a gun.\rdblquote
\ldblquote NO!\rdblquote I shrieked.
But I knew. Shannon was crying. Then she said it. \ldblquote Ginny, he\rquote s gone.\rdblquote
--to be continued--
Author\rquote s note: the response to Heroes has been incredible. I\rquote m very grateful
First of all, to preempt the question I know I\rquote m gonna get--yes, Ginny \b will\b0 tell Craig what Lyubovnik means in the final chapter. So those of you who don\rquote t speak Russian will have to be as patient as Craig :-).
Let me answer two common questions I\rquote ve already been getting: first, there will be one more part. Another the size more or less of the first three. So, in about 10K more words I\rquote ll be wrapping Heroes up.
Second: yes. Though Ginny is \b not\b0 me, and is in a lot of ways \b far\b0 different from me--I too have the scar on my left wrist that\rquote ll never go away.
--Frank