HEROES
by Frank Downey
\pard Part Two
\pard\qc
\pard
--SEVEN--\b0
Monday morning. Jesus, I wasn\rquote t looking forward to this.
My parents had really rallied. They\rquote d been amazingly great all weekend. Wonders never cease. And Craig did call Sunday night, and had me in stitches with his pep talk. He also, seriously, reminded me that he was in my first class Monday morning. That would be a help.
What wasn\rquote t going to help was that it was history, with that asshole. His name was Mr. Ellis. Hopefully, since I\rquote d been out two weeks, he\rquote d give me a fucking break.
So, I got up, dread in my heart, and got dressed. Yeah, I decided to hide them. I wore a long-sleeved shirt. Hey, it was mid-October, in Rochester, Michigan. It wasn\rquote t exactly balmy outside. I could definitely get away with long sleeves.
The school had been informed that I was \lquote injured\rquote --that was all, at my request. I knew Craig had told people I\rquote d been in an accident. I knew the truth would come out sooner or later--but \b I \b0 was going to control when, where, and how.
It turned out that I didn\rquote t take very long at all.
I walked into history. Craig, who sat a couple rows over from me, passed me entering the room and gave me a little pat on the shoulder. That was all, but it meant a lot.
Then the class started. And, dammit, that asshole Ellis wasn\rquote t going to cut me a bit of slack.
\ldblquote Well, Miss Klusse! So glad to see you back all recovered,\rdblquote he started. I just gave him the fakest grin I could muster. He went on. \ldblquote Since I know you\rquote ve read the assignments while you recuperated from your accident, I\rquote m sure you know we\rquote re studying the Constitutional Convention. I haven\rquote t had anyone to lead the discussions as well as you do, so would you start for us by summarizing the reading?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Sorry, didn\rquote t read it,\rdblquote I said.
\ldblquote Excuse me?\rdblquote
\ldblquote I haven\rquote t picked up a schoolbook in two weeks. I\rquote ve had other things on my mind,\rdblquote I said, picking up steam. And then I did it. \ldblquote I wasn\rquote t recuperating from any damn accident.\rdblquote I roughly pulled up my sleeves, and then held my hands up for all to see. \ldblquote I slashed my wrists.\rdblquote The gasps were audible.
I went on. \ldblquote So, you can see I\rquote ve been preoccupied. And you can also see I\rquote m not exactly the most mentally stable person in the world right now. And one of the reasons I\rquote m not is that I\rquote m sick of being a circus freak.\rdblquote
I had the rapt attention of everyone in the room, including Ellis. \ldblquote So, I\rquote ve made a decision. I\rquote m going to sit in this class, and take your tests, and ace them as always. But the days of me being the one to always speak up in class are over. If you call on me again, I\rquote m going to sit here like a mute. I\rquote m tired of always being picked on because I\rquote m smart, especially by teachers. You get no more freebies from me. \b You\rquote re\b0 the damn teacher, \b you\b0 teach this class.\rdblquote
Ellis looked at me like I had four heads. He wasn\rquote t the only one--pretty much the whole class did. Well, except for Craig--who shot me a grin and a thumbs-up.
Finally, Ellis cleared his throat and said, \ldblquote OK, the Constitutional Convention.\rdblquote And he didn\rquote t call on me again.
I considered it a victory. Yeah, everybody knew, now--everyone in that class, and it would surely spread--but it was a victory.
It happened twice more--and that was before lunch! In pre-calc, and in physics. I gave similar speeches in both. The pre-calc teacher reacted the way Ellis had, but the physics teacher got pissed and sent me to the office.
To see the principal, good ol\rquote Mr. Egermont.
Eggy--as we all called him behind his back--was a fraud. Kept up this big hi-how-ya-doin\rquote facade, while, deep down, he was a prick. The man had the phoniest smile in the greater Detroit area. I\rquote d never had a run-in with him before--I was the class brain, after all--but I hated his guts anyway.
He called me into the Inner Sanctum, and bade me sit down. \ldblquote Virginia,\rdblquote he said with that simpering fake smile, \ldblquote I hear you\rquote ve been a disruption in some of your classes this morning.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yup,\rdblquote I said agreeably.
\ldblquote But why?\rdblquote he said, fake smile still in place. \ldblquote You\rquote ve always been our best student. And your teachers always tell me how helpful you are in class.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Because I\rquote m forced to be. Not because I want to.\rdblquote
\ldblquote But, Virginia, class participation is part of your grade. Your grades are stellar, I\rquote d hate to see them drop.\rdblquote
\ldblquote That\rquote s bull,\rdblquote I said. \ldblquote Angela Cressey\rquote s grades are almost as good as mine are, and she doesn\rquote t say a bloody word in class, because she\rquote s shy.\rdblquote
\ldblquote But you\rquote re not shy.\rdblquote
\ldblquote No, I\rquote m suicidal.\rdblquote He looked at me and snorted in disbelief. So, I showed him my wrists.
Which finally wiped the fucking smile off his face.
\ldblquote I wasn\rquote t in an accident two weeks ago. I slashed my wrists. It\rquote s a fluke I was found in time. And, I\rquote ll be honest with you, I\rquote m still not quite sure that it was a good thing that I was found.
\ldblquote One of the reasons I am suicidal is that the teachers in this school, and every school I\rquote ve attended, have helped paint a big huge sign on my forehead that says \lquote Class Brain\rquote . I am tired of it. I won\rquote t put up with it anymore. If I keep getting singled out in class--which makes my classmates \b hate\b0 me, by the way--you \b will\b0 be attending a funeral. Got me?\rdblquote
He was as pale as a sheet. Finally, he managed to say something. \ldblquote Are you in counseling? We have some good ones here.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yes, I\rquote m in counseling, of course. And not with one here. Are you kidding? I wouldn\rquote t trust a counselor affiliated with the school. They\rquote d probably make the ol\rquote Class Brain regurgitate the collected works of Freud, or something.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Virginia, has it really been that bad?\rdblquote he asked.
Since he seemed almost sincere, I answered the same way. \ldblquote Yes. It\rquote s really been that bad.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Then I\rquote ll put a stop to it.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Thank you.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Virginia, brains are nothing to be ashamed of.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I\rquote d trade \lquote em for looks,\rdblquote I grinned.
He grinned back. It wasn\rquote t as fake as his usual. \ldblquote You say that now, but in ten years, you\rquote ll be a Harvard MBA and be able to buy and sell half the kids in this school.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Harvard MBA? No thanks,\rdblquote I snorted. \ldblquote Not my career goal at all.\rdblquote
\ldblquote What is your career goal?\rdblquote
I leaned on his desk and grinned at him. \ldblquote Well, Eggy, I figured I\rquote d be a high school principal. Or a Vegas showgirl, one or the other.\rdblquote
To my surprise, he absolutely roared with laughter. \ldblquote Please, Virginia. Don\rquote t be a high school principal. You think you\rquote ve got problems now?\rdblquote He shook his head. \ldblquote Don\rquote t be a high school principal. And if you think I didn\rquote t know about that nickname, you\rquote re sadly mistaken.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I figured,\rdblquote I said, still grinning. \ldblquote So, you don\rquote t think Vegas showgirl\rquote s a bad idea, then?\rdblquote
He was still chuckling. \ldblquote Get out of here. And, Virginia? That was a good line. I didn\rquote t know you could be funny. And I\rquote m betting your classmates don\rquote t, either.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Can\rquote t be Class Brain \b and\b0 Class Clown. I\rquote d be hogging all the good spots in the yearbook,\rdblquote I smirked.
\ldblquote Go on,\rdblquote he said, still laughing, \ldblquote get out of here. It\rquote s your lunch time.\rdblquote
So I did. Well, I have to admit--that went a whole lot better than I expected. Eggy \b can\b0 be a prick, but he dealt with that well. At least I got a rise out of him!
I felt a lot better walking into the cafeteria. Of course, once I got there--I didn\rquote t feel great at all.
I don\rquote t care how low you think you\rquote re whispering--when I\rquote m standing three feet in front of you in the lunch line, I can fucking hear you, OK? And I can hear you from three feet in \b back\b0 of you in the lunch line, too. And when I walk by your table.
The upshot? Oh, now I wasn\rquote t just the freak, I was the \b crazy\b0 freak. Well, I guess I expected that.
I got to my usual out-of-the-way sit-all-alone table. And I was surprised, ten seconds after I sat down, to not be alone.
It was the aforementioned Angela Cressey. \ldblquote Can I talk to you?\rdblquote she said quietly--she said everything quietly.
\ldblquote Sure,\rdblquote I shrugged. Talk to me? Angela Cressey could \b talk\b0 ? News to \b me\b0 .
If I had valedictorian all sewn up--which I pretty much did, if I lived that long--then Angela was in the clear lead for salutatorian. I figured she\rquote d throw the game sooner or later, just so she wouldn\rquote t have to get up at graduation and make a speech. Angela Cressey making a speech was almost as ludicrous as me being a Vegas showgirl.
Anyhow, if she wanted to talk, that was fine by me.
She settled into her seat, and rummaged around her food. Then she blinked seven times. Took a deep breath. Rummaged around her food again. See what I mean? This is what Angela does when she\rquote s working up to say hello.
But she wasn\rquote t working up to say hello. She pointed at my wrist, and said, \ldblquote What did it feel like?\rdblquote
I was surprised, but I answered her. \ldblquote Hurt like hell,\rdblquote I said with a wry grin.
\ldblquote How long before you passed out?\rdblquote
\ldblquote I don\rquote t know,\rdblquote I said. \ldblquote I\rquote m guessing a half hour or so. I know I felt, I don\rquote t know how to describe it. I guess floaty. I felt floaty for a while, then, the next thing I know, I\rquote m waking up in the hospital. The worst pain was right when I did it. I went numb fairly quickly.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Who found you?\rdblquote
\ldblquote My mother. My parents were going to the theatre and forgot the tickets. They got out of the restaurant, then came home to get the tickets.\rdblquote
\ldblquote So, it was a fluke you got found.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yeah.\rdblquote
She blinked a few more times, and sighed. \ldblquote How close was it?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh, they figured if the ambulance was maybe a half hour later, there would\rquote ve been no saving me.\rdblquote
\ldblquote So, you planned for it to work.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yes.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Where did you do it?\rdblquote
\ldblquote In the bathtub. Didn\rquote t want to get blood all over my bed, as silly as that sounds.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh.\rdblquote
Did you ever get a creeping chill running right up your spine? I was getting one, believe me. Full blast chill. Because I had a very very bad feeling about why she was asking all this.
Just then, in a bit of stupendously bad timing, Craig came over to the table. I would\rquote ve been glad to see him, but not \b now\b0 . \ldblquote Hi,\rdblquote he said to me, grinning. \ldblquote Hi, Angela,\rdblquote he said with a bit of surprise. Angela looked horrified he was there.
I got up off my seat, made a \lquote wait a minute\rquote motion to Angela, and led Craig away from the table before he could sit down. \ldblquote Listen, can I talk to you later?\rdblquote
\ldblquote OK,\rdblquote he said, a bit confused.
\ldblquote I am not blowing you off. You know Angela never talks. Well, she\rquote s talking to me, and I think it might be important. Very important. If you come over, I\rquote m afraid she\rquote s going to clam up, and I think that would be bad.\rdblquote
\ldblquote OK,\rdblquote he said.
\ldblquote I\rquote ll tell you later. Call me after school, OK?\rdblquote\line
\ldblquote Will do,\rdblquote he said, grinning. Then he was off. I went back and sat across from Angela again.
\ldblquote Did you have any more questions?\rdblquote I asked.
\ldblquote Are you going to do it again?\rdblquote she said softly.
\ldblquote I\rquote m working very hard on not wanting to,\rdblquote I told her.
\ldblquote Hm,\rdblquote was all she said.
I looked at her for a minute. Angela was a porcelain doll. Long blond hair, big wide blue eyes, button nose, very pale skin, the whole bit. She even wore dresses all the time, most of which would be more appropriate for a ten-year-old. She was like a little doll. Including being silent and trying to hide in the corner. But she was smart--as I said, close to me smart. She was as much of an outcast as I was--maybe more, at least I wasn\rquote t shy. I dreaded what was coming.
Then I took a deep breath, and just said it. \ldblquote Angela. You\rquote ve thought about it, haven\rquote t you?\rdblquote
That porcelain doll face just crumpled. I could see the tears in her eyes already. And she confirmed it. \ldblquote Just about every day,\rdblquote she got out in a near-whisper.
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. What do I say? WHAT DO I SAY? Shit. What am I going to tell her, don\rquote t do it? How can \b I \b0 say \b that\b0 ?
I\rquote ll admit it--it\rquote s been in the back of my mind. I was trying to not want to, but I still knew that I could always take another whack at it if things didn\rquote t get any better. No, I wasn\rquote t \lquote cured\rquote . I was still shaky as all hell. I damn well knew it.
So, what the hell do I say? Dammit, I wish Shannon were here.
That\rquote s when I got one of my patented brilliant ideas. Well, in hindsight it was obvious.
I rummaged through my pocketbook and found Shannon\rquote s business card. I needed that--I had only one--so I grabbed a piece of notepaper and wrote her name and number down on it. I slid it towards her. She looked at it, the tears still running down her face.
\ldblquote Angela? That\rquote s my shrink. She\rquote s been a big help to me. She\rquote s really cool. I think you should call her.\rdblquote
She looked up at me in horror. \ldblquote Oh, I could never do that!\rdblquote
\ldblquote I think you need to.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I can\rquote t. You don\rquote t understand.\rdblquote She took a deep breath and tried to control herself. \ldblquote My parents are older. They tried for years to have a baby before they finally had me. They absolutely dote on me. I\rquote m their perfect angel daughter.\rdblquote She sniffled. \ldblquote They have no idea how I feel. They have no idea how unhappy I am. I could never tell them why I think I need a psychiatrist.\rdblquote
I took a deep breath. \ldblquote My parents don\rquote t dote on me--in fact, that was part of my problem. They love me, but didn\rquote t know how to show me. That\rquote s getting better. Anyhow, they had no idea what was going on, either. If I\rquote d told my parents I needed a psychiatrist, they might have freaked, too.\rdblquote I looked her right in the eye. \ldblquote But I know for \b damn\b0 sure that my mother would\rquote ve preferred \b that\b0 over finding me in the bathtub unconscious and covered with blood. Wouldn\rquote t yours?\rdblquote
I pushed the paper towards her again, but she shook her head. \ldblquote I can\rquote t. I just can\rquote t!\rdblquote she croaked--and then got up out of the chair so fast it made my head spin. Before I could say, \ldblquote Hey, Angela!\rdblquote she was gone.
Shit shit shit. \b Now\b0 what do I do?
I had a few minutes left in lunch, so I whipped out my cell phone and tried to call Shannon. No luck--it was her day off. They offered to let me talk to one of the other shrinks, but I didn\rquote t want that. If it had been for me, I would have--but for this, I wanted to talk to Shannon. This was for advice, not therapy, and I trusted Shannon.
But that left me again wondering what to do.
Then I got another brilliant idea.
It was devious. It was underhanded. Angela would probably hate me for a very, very long time. But if I saved her damn life, it\rquote d be worth it.
The rest of the afternoon was uneventful. Eggy must\rquote ve gotten the word out to the teachers. After my last class, I flew out of there in record time, and waited. I wanted to see Angela.
I did. She took a bus, poor kid. I followed it. I waited until she got off, then followed her to her house. Keeping from being seen in the car while trying to follow her at walking pace wasn\rquote t easy, but I did it.
I waited until she went in the house, waited 10 more minutes, and then knocked. An older woman answered. \ldblquote Can I help you?\rdblquote she said.
\ldblquote Are you Mrs. Cressey?\rdblquote She nodded. \ldblquote Hello, I\rquote m Ginny Klusse--I go to school with Angela.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yes, you do,\rdblquote she smiled. \ldblquote Everyone around knows who Ginny Klusse is.\rdblquote I managed to stifle my grimace. \ldblquote Were you looking for her?\rdblquote
\ldblquote No, ma\rquote am, I wanted to talk to you. Preferably without Angela around.\rdblquote
\ldblquote OK,\rdblquote she said, with a quizzical expression, and led me over to a seat on the porch.
\ldblquote Angela came up to me at lunch today. She had some questions to ask me. You see, Mrs. Cressey, I attempted suicide a couple of weeks ago.\rdblquote I showed my wrists again. I was getting used to the gasps by now. \ldblquote This was my first day back at school.
\ldblquote She was asking me all kinds of questions about how I did it and what it was like. This worried me, so I asked her if she\rquote d ever thought about it. Mrs. Cressey, she said that she thinks about it almost every day.\rdblquote
Oh, God. The expression on that poor woman\rquote s face will be etched on my brain until the day I die. But I knew that I had to do this.
\ldblquote Angela....wants to kill herself? But why? What did I do?\rdblquote she whimpered.
\ldblquote From talking to her, I don\rquote t think it\rquote s you,\rdblquote I said. \ldblquote She said you dote on her and she loves you and her father. It\rquote s a lot of the same reasons that I did, actually. The problem is her brains. The only person in the junior class smarter than your daughter is \b me\b0 ,\rdblquote I said with a little grin. \ldblquote It\rquote s very isolating, believe me, I know. Kids treat you like some kind of freak. And in Angela\rquote s case it\rquote s compounded by how shy she is.\rdblquote
\ldblquote She\rquote s very shy, we\rquote ve worried about that. But being smart? That\rquote s a bad thing?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh, you have no idea.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Ginny, what do I do?\rdblquote
I got that piece of paper out again. \ldblquote I tried to give this to Angela but she wouldn\rquote t take it. Said she couldn\rquote t tell you about all this--which is why I\rquote m here. Anyhow, this is the name and number of the psychiatrist I\rquote ve been seeing. She\rquote s very good. I know she\rquote s not in the office today but she will be tomorrow. I think Angela needs to see her.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I\rquote ll make sure of it. I\rquote m going to have to talk to my husband about this, and that\rquote s not going to be easy. And it\rquote ll be even harder talking to Angela. But I\rquote ll make sure of it.\rdblquote She gave me a watery smile. \ldblquote Thank you for doing this,\rdblquote she said, and then reached over to give me a hug.
Two hugs in a week. Unbelievable.
\ldblquote You\rquote re welcome. And I\rquote m glad you\rquote re grateful because I think Angela is going to hate my guts.\rdblquote
\ldblquote No, she won\rquote t. She might at first, but I\rquote ll make sure she knows it was better to get it all in the open.\rdblquote
I drove home, worried, but feeling good about what I\rquote d done.
I got home and Mom was holding the telephone. \ldblquote You\rquote re a bit late,\rdblquote she said--a bit worriedly, which was understandable, considering.
\ldblquote I know. Don\rquote t worry, there\rquote s a reason. I\rquote ll explain.\rdblquote
\ldblquote OK, but first you have a phone call.\rdblquote She got a little conspiratory smile on her face and stage-whispered, \ldblquote It\rquote s Craig.\rdblquote
I gave her the same smile back and said, \ldblquote Good, I\rquote ll take it upstairs.\rdblquote
It was a nice conversation. Craig told me he thought I\rquote d done the right thing. Then we kind of chatted about school. He loved what I had done in History. He also loved, after I told him about it, how I had handled Eggy.
After we got off the phone, I went down and talked to Mom. We were sitting on the couch together. I told her everything--about the thing in History class, about Eggy, and then about Angela.
She actually told me she was proud of how I\rquote d handled myself in the classes. She laughed with what I told her about Eggy.
\ldblquote You actually called him Eggy to his face?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yeah, and he just laughed,\rdblquote I said.
When I told her about Angela, she just listened, a concerned look on her face, until I was done.
The next thing I knew, \b she\b0 was hugging me! I\rquote ll admit it, I almost broke down with that. I managed to stop it. \ldblquote I\rquote m so proud of you,\rdblquote she said in the middle of the hug. Then she broke the hug and leaned back. \ldblquote I\rquote m a little surprised, though.\rdblquote I just looked at her. She went on. \ldblquote I\rquote m a little surprised you were so adamant about helping Angela, because you obviously consider suicide a viable option.\rdblquote She took a breath. \ldblquote Look, I know well enough. I know that if I asked you to tell me that you were absolutely certain that you\rquote d never try it again, you wouldn\rquote t be able to do it.\rdblquote
\ldblquote No, I wouldn\rquote t,\rdblquote I agreed. \ldblquote But, think of it this way. I\rquote m also not planning on doing it again. I\rquote m here, I\rquote m OK, and I\rquote m not trying to figure out where you hid all the sharp objects. And that is a big huge step from where I was two weeks ago. When I woke up in that hospital, all I could think about was doing it again and getting it right the second time. So, it\rquote s progress. I\rquote m not OK, but I\rquote m better.
\ldblquote And there are reasons for that, and yes, you and Dad have helped,\rdblquote I said. \ldblquote But one of the biggest reasons is Shannon. She really has helped, a lot. I didn\rquote t tell Angela not to kill herself. I didn\rquote t go into the whole trying to talk her out of it. All I did was tell her she should talk to Shannon. Because that did help me.\rdblquote
\ldblquote You wish you had talked to her before you tried it.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh, hell yes.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Well, that\rquote s progress, too,\rdblquote she smiled. \ldblquote You did the right thing, Ginny.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yeah. Angela will probably hate me for a while, though.\rdblquote
\ldblquote She won\rquote t eventually.\rdblquote
\ldblquote That\rquote s what I\rquote m hoping.\rdblquote
\ldblquote So,\rdblquote she said with a grin, \ldblquote you were talking about people that helped you out. So, tell me, where does Craig fit in to all of this?\rdblquote
I smiled back. \ldblquote That\rquote s a good question.\rdblquote I told her about what he\rquote d confessed about wanting to ask me out last year.
\ldblquote Well? Has he asked you out now yet?\rdblquote she said.
\ldblquote I told him to hold off after I got through the first couple of days at school, to see how I reacted. I did tell him that if he decided after all that he still wanted to, I wouldn\rquote t say no.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Good. Ginny\rquote s going to have a date.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Now, Mom, let\rquote s not count our chickens before they cross the road, hm?\rdblquote I pointed down to my wrists. \ldblquote This is enough to scare anyone off. This, plus the reaction in school.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I don\rquote t think it will scare him off. I mean, he called today, right?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Ah, he only called to find out why I blew him off at lunch to talk to Angela.\rdblquote
Mom was still smiling. \ldblquote He would have called you anyway, I\rquote m betting. And he went to eat lunch with you, right?\rdblquote
\ldblquote True. We\rquote ll see, I guess.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Do you like him?\rdblquote she asked me.
\ldblquote Yeah. He\rquote s very sweet, an excellent listener, easy to talk to. He\rquote s also cute.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Good,\rdblquote she laughed.
\ldblquote So, where\rquote s Dad anyway?\rdblquote
\ldblquote I sent him out,\rdblquote she told me. \ldblquote We had some errands that needed to get done, and I told him to get dinner. Chinese.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh, goody!\rdblquote
\ldblquote I knew you\rquote d agree with that. Anyhow, I sent him out. I wanted this afternoon to be just us, is that OK?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Sure,\rdblquote I said.
Her face got all serious just then, and she looked down at her hands. \ldblquote I wanted to help you by myself today,\rdblquote she said quietly. \ldblquote I figured maybe that\rquote d help the guilt. Because it\rquote s bad.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh, Mom,\rdblquote I said, not knowing what else to say.
\ldblquote It\rquote s OK, Ginny,\rdblquote she said, visibly composing herself. \ldblquote Do you have homework?\rdblquote
\ldblquote A little.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Why don\rquote t you do it before your Dad comes home with the supper?\rdblquote
\ldblquote OK,\rdblquote I said, and went upstairs. Good thing my homework was pretty mindless, because I wasn\rquote t thinking all that great at the moment.
\b --EIGHT--\b0
Tuesday at school was better. The teachers pretty much ignored me, which is what I wanted. I passed Eggy in the hall and he asked how things were going to day. \ldblquote A lot better, Eggy, thanks,\rdblquote I told him. There were a bunch of kids around, so they were all tittering that I had actually called him Eggy. He just laughed.
OK, so maybe that happy-go-lucky act wasn\rquote t \b completely\b0 an act.
Anyhow, it was OK. There was still a lot of pointing and whispering, and I saw a couple people staring at the scars. One guy that sat next to me in English actually stared at the scars, then moved his desk over six inches, like it was contagious or something. Ah, well. None of that really surprised me.
And I wasn\rquote t surprised to see Angela completely shun me. In fact, when ever she saw me, she looked daggers at me. Ah, well. I could only hope she\rquote d understand one day.
After school, I had my first session with Shannon. This was the one-on-one; the group was on Thursdays. I walked in and waved to her. She had a big smile on her face.
\ldblquote I got an interesting phone call this morning.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh, yeah?\rdblquote I said, guessing what it might be.
I guessed right. \ldblquote The call was from a woman named Ellen Cressey. She was calling on behalf of her daughter Angela. Your name came up in the conversation.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I\rquote ll bet it did,\rdblquote I grinned.
\ldblquote I\rquote m seeing Angela tomorrow.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I\rquote m very glad, but let me warn you. It might be a frustrating hour. Angela might not talk. That girl takes shy to a whole new level. I was amazed that she talked to me.\rdblquote
\ldblquote What exactly happened?\rdblquote Shannon asked. So I told her. She knew some of it, but not all.
When I got done, Shannon was beaming. \ldblquote You know, Ginny,. what you did was very healthy. All of it. It was a healthy reaction.\rdblquote
\ldblquote If you say so.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I say so. because you acted as if Angela\rquote s life was worth saving.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Well, yeah,\rdblquote I agreed.
\ldblquote And if hers is, isn\rquote t yours?\rdblquote
\ldblquote C\rquote mon, Shannon--you know that shit\rquote s always easier to see from the outside.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yes and no. I think you see more than you realize.\rdblquote
\ldblquote You\rquote re the Doc,\rdblquote I grinned.
Two days later, I was back in her office, for my first group session. I still wasn\rquote t quite sure about this, but I\rquote d promised Shannon I\rquote d give it a shot.
They\rquote d only started meeting a few weeks ago. Since it had just started, Shannon had no porblems with me joining in instead of waiting for the next one.
I was the fifth. Two boys and two other girls. Shannon said, \ldblquote This is Ginny. She\rquote ll be joining us starting today.\rdblquote Then she asked the rest of them to go around and tell me about themselves.
Zoe went first. She was a sophomore from the next town over. She was dressed like a Goth chick--all in black, dyed black hair, black fingernail polish, mulitple piercings, the whole bit. She was the one that had the hardest time articulating what she was going through. I guess she was very clinically depressed, and there\rquote d been some trial and error with the medication. (Shannon had put me on a mild antidepressant. Don\rquote t know how much it hepled, but it couldn\rquote t hurt!)
Anyhow, with Zoe, a lot of it was brain chemistry gone haywire. And she couldn\rquote t easily explain it. She talked about feeling like she\rquote d been buried alive--she couldn\rquote t breathe, her mouth filled up with dirt, the weight was crushing her--but it was all in her head. The funny thing was, she said she liked group so far, because nobody laughed at her while this outlandish-sounding stuff came out of her mouth, but saying it out loud in a setting like this made it sound ridiculous to \b her\b0 . She said that helped, especially now that they seem to have gotten her medication figured out better.
Seth was next. He was a junior from a town about ten miles away. Seth\rquote s story was easy to grasp--he was gay. And was severely harrassed about it, both verbally and physically. He tried to deal with it--he described himself as mostly mellow--but one day he just snapped. So he was trying to deal with a suicide attempt, but also trying to deal with a suicide attempt that was very impulsive.
Next was Karen. she was the same age and from the same town as Seth. I guess they didn\rquote t know one another well in school, but had kind of been leaning on one another since they met in group. Karen was shy. Not Angela shy, but she had trouble getting her story out. Of course, that was partially due to the story itself.
Because Karen\rquote s story was the most horrifying. She had a brother 4 years older. When she was 12--the brother 16--he started raping her. This went on for 4 years. He was in college now, and would come home on weekends that he knew their mother wouldn\rquote t be home at night, just to rape Karen. What was worse was that Karen had told her mother--who hadn\rquote t believed her.
A month ago, after another rape trip home by the brother, she\rquote d had enough. She swallowed pills. The only thing that saved her was that her father came looking for her--her parents are divorced--and found her unconscious, with an empty pill bottle besdie her. Also naked, with spunk dripping from her pussy. And he found the note she\rquote d left, clearly blaming all of it on her brother.
DNA testing at the hospital had proven it was her brother\rquote s semen. They arrested him--and the upshot of that is her mother won\rquote t speak to her. Unbelievable as that sounds, the bitch chose her rapist son over her violated daughter. Jesus. She\rquote s living with her Dad. Everyone in school knows her brother was raping her, which is bad enough--damn media--but plenty of people question how it could\rquote ve been real rape if it happened for four years and she never reported it. Idiots.
It was like horror piled upon horror. She was even having problems with her boyfriend. He\rquote d not judged her at all, unlike some other people, but was hurt she\rquote d never confided in him in the six months they\rquote d been going out. \ldblquote He says he would\rquote ve helped me, and I know now he would\rquote ve, but I was so scared,\rdblquote Karen said. \ldblquote It\rquote s a miracle I trust him at \b all\b0 , and it took a while for him to understand that.\rdblquote And she\rquote d also never had sex with him, for obvious reasons. He was patient, but part of \b her\b0 was afraid she\rquote d \b never\b0 be able to. And another part of her \b wanted\b0 to--because, even though her brother was raping her and her mind was horrified, her body sometimes responded, especially as she got older.
Karen got all this out in a voice that swung between almost-in-tears, and completely numb. That poor, poor girl. And I thought I had it bad.
I didn\rquote t know what to say. Luckily, Shannon, before I even had a chance to say something, moved on to the last person in the room--Sam. Sam Raleigh. He was the only one that went to my school, though he was a sophomore, a year behind me.
As Sam\rquote s story spilled out, I found myself nodding in recognition. Because, you see, Sam was the sophomore class\rquote s answer to \b me\b0 . Class brain, isolated, picked on, singled out by teachers, the whole bit. It was a little different--the good part was that he\rquote d never doubted his parents\rquote love for him. The bad part was that he was small and weak and quiet, so he got the \lquote wimp\rquote and \lquote pussy\rquote taunts thrown at him as well, and even the odd beating. \ldblquote We discussed this last week,\rdblquote Seth interjected. \ldblquote Even though Sam\rquote s not gay, he gets a lot of the same type of gay-bashing as I do because they think he\rquote s a \lquote pussy\rquote .\rdblquote
After Sam had finished, Shannon said, \ldblquote OK, Ginny, it\rquote s your turn.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Well, for a lot of my story, just push rewind on Sam\rquote s and listen again,\rdblquote I quipped. They all laughed at that, including Sam. \ldblquote We even go to the same school, though I\rquote m a year ahead of him.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Wait a minute,\rdblquote Sam said suddenly, \ldblquote are you Ginny \b Klusse\b0 ?\rdblquote
\ldblquote That\rquote s me,\rdblquote I said.
\ldblquote I hate your guts,\rdblquote Sam muttered bitterly.
\ldblquote HEY!\rdblquote Zoe shouted. \ldblquote That\rquote s not nice!\rdblquote
\ldblquote Sam, it\rquote s not very nice,\rdblquote Shannon agreed.
\ldblquote Why on earth?\rdblquote I said. \ldblquote I\rquote ve never even met you until today.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Because that\rquote s all I hear,\rdblquote he said, still sounding bitter. \ldblquote Even when the teachers are singling me out as the class brain, and telling me how much smarter I am than everyone else--they also tell me that Ginny Klusse would\rquote ve done better. I think all my teachers taught you last year. I\rquote m constantly being compared to the uber-brain Ginny Klusse.\rdblquote
Shannon looked like she was going to say something, but I held my hand up. \ldblquote Sam,\rdblquote I said, \ldblquote how is that my fault? Listen to me. You\rquote re doing the same thing \b they\b0 do to me. And furthermore, you\rquote re doing the same thing to me that \b they\b0 do to \b you\b0 .\rdblquote
Sam thought about that for a minute. \ldblquote Oh,\rdblquote he said. \ldblquote I never thought about it that way.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Well, there\rquote s something to think about,\rdblquote Shannon said. \ldblquote While you do that, Ginny can go on with her story.\rdblquote
\ldblquote OK,\rdblquote I said. \ldblquote As you might have guessed, it\rquote s the whole class brain thing.\rdblquote I went on to describe what that was like a little bit. I talked about my parents some. Everyone just listened, so that was cool.
When I got done, I said, \ldblquote So, that\rquote s the story of why Ginny tried to kill herself. Of course, after listening to what Karen went through, I feel like a Grade A schmuck.\rdblquote
Karen just smiled and shook her head, disagreeing with me. \ldblquote People have different tolerance levels,\rdblquote Shannon said.
\ldblquote Besides which, how do you think \b I \b0 feel,\rdblquote Seth said pleasantly. \ldblquote Oh, woe is me, poor little queer boy. Sometimes I want to slap myself!\rdblquote
\ldblquote You shouldn\rquote t,\rdblquote Karen said. \ldblquote Look, now that I\rquote ve gotten to know him a little bit,\rdblquote she said to all of us, \ldblquote and sometimes hang with him in school, I see what they put him through. It\rquote s not pretty.\rdblquote She must\rquote ve never said this, because Seth was looking at her in gratitude. \ldblquote If you go through similar shit, it must be pretty bad,\rdblquote she said to me.
\ldblquote Yeah. I think Seth and I have as much in common as Sam and I do,\rdblquote I said. Shannon and Seth looked at me in surprise. \ldblquote I mean, we\rquote re both dissed because of who we are. I can\rquote t help being smart any more than Seth can help being gay. And we both just want to be left alone to be who we are--and we\rquote re not.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Good insight, Ginny,\rdblquote Shannon said.
\ldblquote Of course it was, I \b am\b0 the class brain,\rdblquote I joked, mock-preening, which cracked everyone up.
\ldblquote Everybody sees labels, not people,\rdblquote Zoe said. \ldblquote They don\rquote t see Ginny, they see \lquote brain\rquote . They don\rquote t see Seth, they see \lquote fag\rquote . In my case, it\rquote s \lquote the insane chick\rquote .\rdblquote
\ldblquote You get shit as well?\rdblquote I asked.
\ldblquote In my case, it\rquote s a bit different.\rdblquote Zoe said with a wry grin. \ldblquote I \b like\b0 being isolated. It\rquote s hard to be lonely with 87 voices inside your head.\rdblquote That one got a chuckle. \ldblquote So, yeah, since I prefer to be left alone, I use the crazy girl thing to my advantage. Anyone bugs me, I yell \lquote OOGA BOOGA!\rquote at them until they run away screaming.\rdblquote That got us all laughing. Then Zoe got serious. \ldblquote The problem is, I feel less that way than ever. Getting my meds straightened out some has made me more willing to interact. But now I\rquote m Crazy Girl which makes it difficult.\rdblquote
\ldblquote People understand mental illness even less than they understand homosexuality,\rdblquote Seth interjected, to which we all agreed.
\ldblquote A lot of it is fear of the unknown. In Ginny and Sam\rquote s case, it\rquote s that \b and\b0 jealousy.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Fear of the unknown is right on,\rdblquote Karen agreed. \ldblquote I\rquote d never known a gay person--well, a person that I knew was gay--until I met Seth. I don\rquote t think I was exactly homophobic, but I guess I was, I don\rquote t know, squeamish. And then I met Seth, and he\rquote s one of the coolest people I\rquote ve ever met.\rdblquote
\ldblquote You are too, you know,\rdblquote Seth told Karen.
\ldblquote It\rquote s putting a face on it,\rdblquote I said. \ldblquote If you don\rquote t know any, it\rquote s just an abstract. Like you said, it\rquote s a walking stereotype, and one you don\rquote t completely understand.\rdblquote I grinned. \ldblquote Not a problem I\rquote ve ever had in this particular case--my Aunt Jennie has lived with her girlfriend since I was two, so I grew up with it.\rdblquote
\ldblquote That\rquote s an advantage,\rdblquote Seth said.
\ldblquote Yeah, but I didn\rquote t,\rdblquote Karen went on. \ldblquote So it was something that was just an abstract that I didn\rquote t understand until I met Seth. And it wasn\rquote t just me. He\rquote s met Aaron, my boyfriend. Aaron also didn\rquote t know what to make of him, until he met him.\rdblquote
\ldblquote How is it that you\rquote re the healthiest person in the room?\rdblquote I laughed, pointing to Karen. She just smiled.
\b
--NINE--
\b0 When I got home, I talked with Mom. Dad had to stop in at the office.
\ldblquote You liked it,\rdblquote Mom said. \ldblquote You didn\rquote t think you were going to.\rdblquote
\ldblquote You\rquote re right on both counts,\rdblquote I laughed.
\ldblquote I feel so bad for that Karen girl, though,\rdblquote she said.
\ldblquote Oh, I know. I have to tell you, I was always kind of upset I never had any siblings. Jeez, now I think I\rquote m grateful. At least I don\rquote t have a brother like hers.\rdblquote
Mom got quiet all of a sudden. \ldblquote You wanted a sibling?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Kind of, yeah,\rdblquote I said.
She got quiet again. \ldblquote I guess there\rquote s things I should\rquote ve told you. You don\rquote t have any brothers or sisters because I couldn\rquote t.\rdblquote She looked down. \ldblquote I had a massive hemmorhage four days after you were born. I almost died. I had to have a hysterectomy. We\rquote d never planned to have only one, but I couldn\rquote t have any more.\rdblquote
I felt all the color drain from my face. \ldblquote You almost died? From having me? And then I tried to....oh GOD!!!\rdblquote There\rquote s was absolutely no way to stop the tears at that point
Mom grabbed me and pulled me into another hug, believe it or not. \ldblquote No, Ginny, no! That\rquote s not why I told you this. Do you think I blame you for what happened? God, no. I had a weakness in my ueterus. Shit happens,\rdblquote she shrugged. \ldblquote I don\rquote t blame you or anybody. The only reason I told you about it was to explain why you\rquote re an only child.\rdblquote
\ldblquote OK, I sniffled, and ducked back out of her arms. \ldblquote It\rquote s just kind of shocking to hear, especially at 16 when you never knew about it.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I should\rquote ve phrased it better.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I don\rquote t know if there\rquote s a better way to phrase that,\rdblquote I said wryly. \ldblquote Did you guys ever think about adopting?\rdblquote
\ldblquote We discussed it,\rdblquote Mom told me. \ldblquote But you were like five, six at the time we felt comfortable in discussing it. And by then we figured that you were enough.\rdblquote She grinned. \ldblquote And I meant that in a \b good\b0 way.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Uh-huh,\rdblquote I said.
\ldblquote How did we end up like this?\rdblquote Mom said suddenly.
\ldblquote Hm?\rdblquote
\ldblquote God, Ginny, you were all I ever wanted,\rdblquote she said. \ldblquote Even when I had the hemmorhage, my first thought was, at least it\rquote d happened after you were born so you weren\rquote t affected. That\rquote s all I cared about. Your father and I wanted you so, so badly. You were the apple of our eyes. How the hell did we get to the point where you thought it would be a good idea to kill yourself?\rdblquote
It looked like she might start to cry. Shit, I didn\rquote t know if I could handle \b that\b0 . \ldblquote It really wasn\rquote t mostly you, or Dad, you know. It really wasn\rquote t.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Enough of it was,\rdblquote Mom said, composing herself. \ldblquote This is not an excuse, just an explanation. You will find out when you get out in the working world--but it can consume you. There\rquote s always someone wanting one last thing, or one more document looked at, or one more phone call, or one more appearance in court. That\rquote s the problem with having a high-level career in something like law. The problem is, you get afraid that if you don\rquote t do everything that\rquote s asked, you\rquote ll have problems with your career. And when it\rquote s a lucrative career, you get used to the lifestyle. I have seen lawyers who start pushing work aside for family. They\rquote re usually not lawyers anymore after a while. Maybe I put too much importance on that.
\ldblquote And you. You seemed---and I know now I was wrong in assuming this, but you seemed so undemanding. You know Jill Boros,\rdblquote she said. I did--Jill was another lawyer in her office. She was married to a doctor and had a couple of kids a few years younger than me. \ldblquote There are days when Jill\rquote s two daughters call her every ten minutes,\rdblquote Mom smiled. \ldblquote She used to tease me about it--she wished she had self-sufficient undemanding you for a kid. She doesn\rquote t joke about it anymore.\rdblquote
I thought about that for a minute. \ldblquote Look,\rdblquote I said. \ldblquote One thing I\rquote ve figured out--well, I don\rquote t think I\rquote m really very good at doing what I have to do to make myself happy. I know what I \b want\b0 , most of the time, but I don\rquote t know how to make it happen. You know what I mean? And rather than facing that, it\rquote s easier to blame everyone.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Don\rquote t take too much responsibility for it,\rdblquote she said. \ldblquote It\rquote s not all you. I should\rquote ve been asking.\rdblquote
\ldblquote It\rquote s not too late. For either of us,\rdblquote I told her.
\ldblquote It almost was,\rdblquote she said sadly.
\ldblquote Almost doesn\rquote t count except in horseshoes and hand grenades,\rdblquote I quipped.
\ldblquote That one\rquote s older than I am,\rdblquote she smirked.
\ldblquote Hey, they can\rquote t all be gems.\rdblquote
Just then the phone rang. I picked it up. It was Craig. \ldblquote I\rquote m going to take it upstairs,\rdblquote I told Mom. She smiled and waved me up.
\ldblquote So, how was group?\rdblquote he asked.
\ldblquote Good, better than I thought,\rdblquote I said.
\ldblquote That\rquote s good. Uhm, I was wondering.\rdblquote
\ldblquote What?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Well, has it been a few days? For you to settle in at school, I mean,\rdblquote he asked.
Was he really going to? \ldblquote Yes, it\rquote s been a few days,\rdblquote I said.
\ldblquote Good. Are you doing anything tomorrow night?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Not a thing.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Good, because I still want to go out with you. And don\rquote t argue with me. I don\rquote t care about the rest of it.\rdblquote
\ldblquote OK,\rdblquote I said happily. \ldblquote Where are you taking me?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Well, I had two ideas. The first was the football game--the team is home this week. I go to a lot of the games. But I know you\rquote re not a school spirit rah-rah type, so we could to go a movie instead. And a burger afterwards.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I\rquote d love to go to the game,\rdblquote I said, surprising him. \ldblquote I actually like football. I don\rquote t go to any of the high school games because I don\rquote t want to go by myself.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Well, now you won\rquote t.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Great. But I still want the burger afterwards,\rdblquote I laughed.
\ldblquote You got it.\rdblquote
We discussed pick-up plans and the like, then I got off the phone. When I got downstaris, Mom was cooking and Dad was in the kitchen with her.
\ldblquote Would you like some good news?\rdblquote I said.
\ldblquote Sure,\rdblquote Mom replied.
\ldblquote Tomorrow night, your daughter has her very first official date.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh, that\rquote s great,\rdblquote Mom said enthusiastically. \ldblquote Of course, I\rquote m not shocked, considering he calls you every night.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yeah, ain\rquote t it great?\rdblquote I laughed. \ldblquote By the way, Mom, I know you think I should get laid, but don\rquote t expect it on the first date. I don\rquote t need to add School Slut to my reputation,\rdblquote I smirked.
Mom looked at me in shock, then turned to Dad. \ldblquote You \b told\b0 her!?!?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yes he did, you sex maniac you,\rdblquote I teased her.
\ldblquote YOU!\rdblquote she shouted, and threw a dish towel at Dad. She couldn\rquote t hold it, though--the grin was fighting to break through.
\ldblquote Don\rquote t blame him, Mom, I\rquote m glad he told me. Made you two seem a little more human and all.\rdblquote
Mom laughed and said, \ldblquote I know you have to be careful nowadays, but I also felt bad that you were missing out on all that.\rdblquote
\ldblquote You\rquote re fault, you know,\rdblquote I said. \ldblquote You cursed me.\rdblquote Mom looked at me. \ldblquote Well, you did. You named me, didn\rquote t you? Take the last two letters off of \lquote Virginia\rquote and what do you get? I\rquote m cursed, I tell you.\rdblquote
They both cracked up. \ldblquote Ginny, you were named after your great-aunt, and I was \b not\b0 thinking of \b that\b0 when you were a day old, you know?\rdblquote
\ldblquote I figured it out pretty quickly,\rdblquote Dad said. \ldblquote Why do you think I started calling you Ginny?\rdblquote he smirked.
Mom threw another dish towel at him!
\b --TEN--\b0
He picked me up at six.
He\rquote d already met the folks, at the hospital, so he didn\rquote t need to go though the traditional first-date grilling. Shit, I don\rquote t think he would\rquote ve anyway. My parents were so thrilled I actually had a \b date\b0 I think if I had walked into the house and said, \ldblquote Mom, Dad, this is my date, Jack the Ripper,\rdblquote they would\rquote ve just told me to have a good time!
We drove to the high school, and the football stadium, chatting about nothing. When we got there, he said, \ldblquote You have a choice. I usually sit with three of my friends, but we don\rquote t have to.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh, sure,\rdblquote I said. \ldblquote I wouldn\rquote t mind meeting your friends.\rdblquote I hesitated a bit. \ldblquote Uh, but, well, how much do they know?\rdblquote
\ldblquote A lot,\rdblquote he admitted. \ldblquote They know that you are who I\rquote m bringing. And the whole junior class pretty much knows about, you know...\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yeah,\rdblquote I said. \ldblquote Well, in for a penny, in for a pound.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Really, Ginny, we can sit by ourselves.\rdblquote
\ldblquote No. No way. I want to meet your friends, even if they don\rquote t want to meet me.\rdblquote
\ldblquote They actually do,\rdblquote he grinned. \ldblquote My friend Cap said, \lquote You\rquote re going out with Ginny the Genius? Ooooh, how do \b you\b0 rate?\rquote\rdblquote
I smiled back, a big one. \ldblquote Good. Let\rquote s go.\rdblquote We started walking to the ticket booth. \ldblquote Your friends--three guys?\rdblquote I asked.
\ldblquote Two and one. Alex and Cap are the guys. The third is Alex\rquote s girlfriend, Johanna.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Hm.\rdblquote I said.
\ldblquote Problem?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yes and no. It might be cool having another girl there--but, frankly, I\rquote ve gotten more shit from girls over my school life. Girls resent me more than guys, usually, for some reason.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Not Johanna. No way. Trust me.\rdblquote
\ldblquote OK,\rdblquote I said.
We were a bit early, and there weren\rquote t many people in the bleachers. Craig took us over to get something to drink, then we went up to a spot. \ldblquote We usually sit right about here, they\rquote ll be able to find us here,\rdblquote he said.
After a few minutes, a tall black kid approached Craig. \ldblquote Yo, slimeball,\rdblquote he said jokingly.
\ldblquote Glad you showed up, jerk,\rdblquote Craig laughed. \ldblquote Cap, this is Ginny. Ginny, Cap.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Nice to meet you,\rdblquote Cap said.
\ldblquote Nice to meet you too, er, Cap,\rdblquote I said.
He laughed. \ldblquote Cap is his nickname, short for Captain,\rdblquote Craig told me. \ldblquote Cap is a sailor.\rdblquote Craig grinned. \ldblquote When we were in middle school, he had this stupid little captain\rquote s hat, so that\rquote s what we nicknamed him.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I still have it,\rdblquote Cap grinned, \ldblquote I just keep it on the boat instead of wearing it to school.\rdblquote He turned to me. \ldblquote My real name is Desmond--Desmond Roberts. Now you know why I go by Cap.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Uh-huh,\rdblquote I laughed. \ldblquote Well, if you\rquote re a sailor, it fits anyway.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Cap could spend days on the water,\rdblquote Craig said.
\ldblquote I love it. I even spent all summer at a camp for yachting, in San Diego. First time I\rquote d ever been sailing on the ocean. It was great.\rdblquote
\ldblquote That\rquote s really cool,\rdblquote I said sincerely.
\ldblquote Yep. By the way, Craig, you suck, you know that?\rdblquote
\ldblquote What did I do this time?\rdblquote he grinned.
\ldblquote You brought a date to a football game. Jesus.\rdblquote She turned to me. \ldblquote Have you met The Couple yet?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Alex and Johanna, he means,\rdblquote Craig laughed.
I shook my head no. \ldblquote Oh, wait. You just wait,\rdblquote Cap said, rolling his eyes. \ldblquote Moonin\rquote , cuddlin\rquote , smoochin\rquote --you\rquote re gonna get the whole works. Those two are joined at the hip. And the lip. When Craig here was coming stag, at least I had someone to commisserate with!\rdblquote
Craig and I both started laughing. I liked Cap already. \ldblquote Don\rquote t worry, Homie,\rdblquote Craig said, \ldblquote this is our first date. So I\rquote m not going to attack her or anything--I think we can save the making out for some time when you\rquote re not around.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh, if we \b must\b0 ,\rdblquote I joked--getting me a big huge smile from Craig.
\ldblquote Really?\rdblquote Cap said. \ldblquote I don\rquote t believe you. Shit, look, you\rquote re already holding \b hands\b0 .\rdblquote Which we were. It was very nice.
\ldblquote You could hold my other one, Cap,\rdblquote I joked, batting my eyes.
\ldblquote Oh no he CAN\rquote T!\rdblquote Craig bellowed, cracking us all up.
It went on like this for a few minutes. It was fun.
And it was so \b easy\b0 . How the hell was it this easy????
After a few minutes, I saw Craig wave to two blond kids, one guy and one girl. They headed up to where we were sitting.
Oh, hell. Johanna was Johanna Sullivan? Shit. I\rquote d known her since grammar school. She was one of the Princesses. You know the type. The one who always had the birthday parties with the clowns and the in-ground pool and the catered lunch that always had the entire fourth grade invited except \b me\b0 .
Craig introduced us. Alex seemed nice, shook my hand, said it was nice to meet me. Johanna said, \ldblquote Nice to see you again, Ginny.\rdblquote She told the rest of them, \ldblquote Ginny and I went to the same grammar school.\rdblquote
\ldblquote We did,\rdblquote I said tightly. Johanna didn\rquote t say anything else, and luckily she was sitting far away from me, on the other side of both Craig and Alex. Cap was on the other side of me from Craig, and he kept up a steady stream of quips, which was cool.
The game started. Our football team sucked bad this year, but I still enjoyed watching. As I said, I like football. Dad is a Michigan grad, and when I was younger we\rquote d make sure we got to Ann Arbor at least once a year to see a game.
I missed that. I should ask Dad if we could do it again this year before the season ended.
Anyhow, the first half ended. The guys volunteered to go get refreshments. I asked Craig to get me another Coke. \ldblquote Hot dog?\rdblquote he asked.
\ldblquote I\rquote m saving my appetite for the burgers,\rdblquote I laughed. \ldblquote If they\rquote ve got popcorn that\rquote d be cool, though.\rdblquote
\ldblquote They do. No problem,\rdblquote he said, and the three guys headed off.
Which left me there alone with Johanna. Shit.
Well, she was way over there. So maybe I didn\rquote t have to talk to her. Well, she blew that all to hell in about seven seconds--as soon as the guys had vacated the bleachers, she slid her way right over next to me. \ldblquote Hi,\rdblquote she said.
\ldblquote Hi,\rdblquote I replied, gritting my teeth.
\ldblquote I\rquote m so glad Craig finally asked you out,\rdblquote she said. \ldblquote He\rquote s liked you since last year.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yeah, he blurted that out to me last week,\rdblquote I laughed. \ldblquote I had no idea.\rdblquote
\ldblquote He\rquote s a real sweetheart. I\rquote m glad you said yes, it made him very happy.\rdblquote She took a breath. \ldblquote So, how have you been?\rdblquote I just looked at her. \ldblquote I mean, we all know what happened. You know,\rdblquote she said, waving vaguely at my wrists. \ldblquote I was just wondering if it had gotten any better.\rdblquote
Well, knock me over with a feather. \ldblquote Yeah, it has, some,\rdblquote I managed to get out.
\ldblquote Good. That\rquote s good,\rdblquote she said quietly. \ldblquote You know, Craig will help you, if you let him.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I know,\rdblquote I said. \ldblquote He already has.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Good.\rdblquote She took another breath. \ldblquote You know, I wasn\rquote t surprised.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Hm?\rdblquote
\ldblquote When I found out what you\rquote d done. I wasn\rquote t shocked. I found it sad that you thought you had to do it, but I wasn\rquote t really surprised. I mean, I\rquote ve known you since third grade. I saw what you went through.\rdblquote Her voice dropped a bit again. \ldblquote I probably even participated in it somewhat, though I assure you it wasn\rquote t intentional.\rdblquote
A feather? Knock me over with a good gust of wind! \ldblquote I don\rquote t remember you doing anything,\rdblquote I said, half-lying.
\ldblquote Oh, you know who I hung around with back then. The Cool Kids. I\rquote m sure I did something.\rdblquote She took another breath. \ldblquote I changed a lot when I met Alex. He asked me out in January of Freshman year, so it\rquote s been almost two years now.
\ldblquote He wasn\rquote t one of the Cool Kids. He can be shy and quiet. He wasn\rquote t who I was supposed to go out with, you know?\rdblquote She grinned. \ldblquote He still makes jokes that he was amazed he had the courage to ask me out in the first place! He wasn\rquote t supposed to ask me out any more than I was supposed to go out with him. But when he asked me out, something in my head just \b clicked\b0 . It was immediate. My brain said, this is the guy for you. And I was right, you know.
\ldblquote But some people didn\rquote t understand it. Some people who I\rquote d been friends with since first, second grade turned on me. It was a wake-up call.
\ldblquote So, the thing is--Craig will help. I know he will. But if, you know, you\rquote re having a bad time, and you need a girl to talk to, well, I\rquote ve been told I\rquote m a pretty good listener.\rdblquote
God, my throat was dry. \ldblquote I\rquote d like that,\rdblquote I managed to croak out.
\ldblquote Good,\rdblquote she said. Then the guys returned and I didn\rquote t have to say anything else. Thank God.
Everyone slid into their respective places on the bench, Craig replace Johanna next to me. But I guess I was just preoccupied. \ldblquote You OK?\rdblquote Craig asked.
\ldblquote Fine,\rdblquote I said almost mechanically.
\ldblquote Johanna didn\rquote t say anything to upset you, did she?\rdblquote he whispered.
\ldblquote No,\rdblquote I said, waking up out of my reverie, smiling at him. \ldblquote Not at all. Just the opposite. I\rquote ll tell you later.\rdblquote
\ldblquote OK,\rdblquote he said. \ldblquote I worry about you.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Which is very sweet,\rdblquote I smiled, \ldblquote but I\rquote m fine. Really. Better than fine. I\rquote m very glad I\rquote m here with you,\rdblquote I told him.
\ldblquote Me, too,\rdblquote he said, squeezing my hand.
Anyhow, the game went on. We lost big, but who cared? Afterwards, we headed for the burger place--all except for Cap. \ldblquote I\rquote m sailing early in the morning on the lake. Want to get it in before it\rquote s too cold.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Isn\rquote t it already?\rdblquote I laughed.
\ldblquote I\rquote m rugged,\rdblquote Cap said, cracking us all up. \ldblquote I\rquote ll see you all later.\rdblquote
Alex and Johanna met us at the burger place, which was fine with me. But I got a glimpse of what Cap had been talking about. We were munching on our burgers, and Craig and I were discussing something-or-other. We were paying attention to each other. Until we looked around. and saw Alex and Johanna in a liplock.
Craig and I just grinned at each other. Then Craig went, \ldblquote A-HEM!\rdblquote The two of them broke the liplock and looked sheepishly at us.
\ldblquote Oops. Ginny\rquote s not used to us,\rdblquote Alex said.
\ldblquote Cap warned me about you two,\rdblquote I laughed.
\ldblquote See?\rdblquote Johanna said. \ldblquote She knew it was coming.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Well, yeah, but it\rquote s their first date. We wouldn\rquote t want to make them uncomfortable with all this kissing,\rdblquote Alex laughed.
Craig and I were grinning, and we just looked at each other when Alex said that, still grinning.
Suddenly he wasn\rquote t grinning. Then I wasn\rquote t either. Because his lips were pressing up against mine.
It just happened. My eyes opened wide in complete shock--but only for a second. Then I just \b melted\b0 .
It was amazing. We were sitting there side-by-side in this booth in a damn burger shop. And I felt like somebody had set me on fire. His hand was at the back of my head. Mine was on his shoulder. His lips pressed into mine--and, believe me, I was responding with equal fervor--and then my lips opened. Just a bit. And I felt his tongue bump up against mine. And then burrow into my mouth. Jesus! I groaned, I know I did.
Damn! Nobody told me about \b this\b0 !
I don\rquote t know how long it lasted. Could\rquote ve been a minute. Could\rquote ve been three and a half days. I have no clue. Because that big massive all-powerful brain of mine just shut \b off\b0 . It was stupendous.
Suddenly, through the fog, I heard Alex mimicing Craig from a few minutes ago, with a very amused throat-clearing.
Craig--very reluctantly, it seemed to me--broke the kiss. And as he pulled away, our eyes caught. And, the \b look\b0 in his!
We were still looking at each other as we--very slowly--pulled away. Somehow, extremely distracted, I kind of fumbled for my burger. God, I was foggy. And I didn\rquote t mind at all.
Somehow it penetrated through the fog, just a little, that Alex and Johanna were \b very\b0 amused. \ldblquote I guess they\rquote re not all that uncomfortable at that,\rdblquote Alex laughed. Uncomfortable? Shit. I think you could\rquote ve dropped me on my head right about then and it wouldn\rquote t have been uncomfortable. Shit, I don\rquote t think I would\rquote ve \b felt\b0 it!
\ldblquote Look at her,\rdblquote Johanna laughed. \ldblquote She\rquote s all glassy-eyed.\rdblquote I just kind of smiled. I think. I was definitely not coherent.
Johanna said something else, I have no clue what, and I just went, \ldblquote Hm?\rdblquote She cracked up.
\ldblquote Boy, you are definitely out of it,\rdblquote she laughed. \ldblquote It\rquote s like it was your first kiss or something!\rdblquote
\ldblquote Uh, well, actually....\rdblquote I grinned.
\ldblquote Really?\rdblquote Johanna laughed. I nodded.
\ldblquote SHIT!\rdblquote Craig burst out. I turned to him. \ldblquote I should\rquote ve realized. Shit. I\rquote m sorry, Ginny, it was an impulse.\rdblquote Why was he upset? \ldblquote I mean, if I\rquote d realized it was your first...I mean, it shouldn\rquote t have been \b here\b0 .\rdblquote
Oh, \b that\b0 . \ldblquote Craig, it\rquote s fine. Really. Better than fine. I didn\rquote t mind at all.\rdblquote He still looked unconvinced. I leaned into his ear and whispered, \ldblquote It was \b very\b0 romantic.\rdblquote That convinced him. He beamed at me.
\ldblquote You know, this is better entertainment than the football game,\rdblquote Alex teased.
I just blushed, but managed to say, \ldblquote That\rquote s because our team sucks rocks.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I think it still would\rquote ve been better,\rdblquote Johanna said. I just kept blushing. Luckily, after that, the conversation turned to more normal subjects.
Craig and I didn\rquote t say much on the way home, we just kept shooting these little smiles at one another. We got to my house and he walked me to the door.
And, yes, he did. Boy did he ever. It might\rquote ve been better than the first one.
\ldblquote Please tell me you\rquote ll go out with me again,\rdblquote he groaned after he broke the kiss.
\ldblquote Wild horses couldn\rquote t stop me,\rdblquote I whispered. I got another nice beaming smile for that one.
When we finally stopped kissing--not that I wanted to, but I think our lips were getting numb--I went back in to the house. Mom was waiting up. That was fine. I was kind of surprised she wasn\rquote t peering out the window. Taking pictures, even!
\ldblquote Did you have a good time?\rdblquote she asked.
\ldblquote I had a great time,\rdblquote I told her. We chatted a little bit. I went and fetched a Coke and we talked for a few minutes--about the game, about our shitty team, about re-encountering Johanna. I think she was glad.
\ldblquote I\rquote m going up to bed, I\rquote m tired,\rdblquote I told her after a bit.
\ldblquote OK. Good night, honey,\rdblquote she said.
\ldblquote Night, Mom.\rdblquote I headed for the stairs and got up the first two, then I turned back to her. \ldblquote You know, Mom, in all that joking about me needing to get laid and all--funny how you never mentioned \b kissing\b0 .\rdblquote
Mom looked at me, blinked, then burst out laughing. \ldblquote That good, huh?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Mmmmm,\rdblquote was all I said. Mom\rquote s laughter followed me up the stairs.
After I changed into my nightgown and crawled into bed, I took stock a little. I\rquote d gone out on a date with a guy I really liked. I went to a football game surrounded by my classmates. I made some new friends. I got kissed senseless.
I hadn\rquote t felt this completely blessedly \b normal\b0 in...well, in forever.
It felt really, really good.
\b