REWIND
CHAPTER SIX
\ldblquote I WANNA GO, BUT I HATE TO LEAVE YOU\rdblquote
\pard
SEPTEMBER 3rd, 1978
\b0
The good thing about summer is no school. The good thing about a summer that\rquote s going to be the last couple of months you spend with your first girlfriend is the same--no school. That means more time. The only thing I had to do that summer was the paper route three days a week. Kara and I became almost inseparable.
We hung out over her house. We hung out over mine. We went to the movies--the big movie that summer was Grease, which we actually saw twice! And, of course, we spent a lot of time up on Braddox Hill.
July was great. The first part of August was great. But, as August wore on, the inevitability of our parting started to weigh heavily on both of us.
We both tried to be mature about it. I know we both wanted this to be an easy thing. However, I also knew, deep down, that I was kidding myself. I think she felt the same way.
September 2nd was a Saturday. We went to Braddox Hill. We made love, slow and long. When we were done, we both cried.
Her parents invited me over for supper that night, and I was glad of it. Then Kara and I ended up on the couch, watching TV, wrapped up in one another. We ended up falling asleep in one another\rquote s arms. Apparently, Mrs. Pocharsky saw this, called my mother, covered Kara and I up in a blanket, and left us there. So, when I woke up this morning, Sunday the 3rd, it was with her on top of me, holding on for dear life.
I thanked Mrs. Pocharsky. She pooh-pooh\rquote ed it and made us breakfast. Then, it was time to pack the car. I helped, for a while--then Kara and I ended up sitting on the grass in her back yard.
\ldblquote God, I knew this was going to be hard, but it\rquote s even harder than I thought,\rdblquote she said.
\ldblquote I know. Just remember, though--this isn\rquote t forever. Even if we\rquote re never like this again, we\rquote ll always be friends.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Promise?\rdblquote
\ldblquote I promise,\rdblquote I told her.
\ldblquote And you\rquote d better write! And call!\rdblquote
\ldblquote You betcha.\rdblquote We chatted for a bit more, then it was time to go. We walked out to her car, hand-in-hand.
\ldblquote Time to go,\rdblquote her Dad said.
She turned to me, a sad smile on her face. And then she kissed me. \ldblquote I love you,\rdblquote she whispered afterwards.
\ldblquote I love you, too. Study hard.\rdblquote
\ldblquote You too.\rdblquote We walked over to the car. I opened the door, and she got in. As the car pulled out of her driveway, she waved. Then I watched my first true love roll away down the hill.
\b SEPTEMBER 6th, 1978\b0
This was the first big manifestation of change. Instead of starting 9th grade at the Prep, I\rquote d be starting it at good ol\rquote Cabot East JHS. It was rather strange and eerie. I was so happy to get out of this place the first time around--and here I was, voluntarily staying an extra year. I still didn\rquote t know if it was bad or good.
My unease wasn\rquote t helped at lunchtime. I found a table with The Usual Suspects from last year--and couldn\rquote t help but feel the missing person--Kara. Patrick was also missing, he\rquote d gone to the Prep. \ldblquote It\rquote s the first time we\rquote ve not gone to school together. It\rquote s a little weird,\rdblquote Kelly had confessed to me.
But, I was lucky to have the people that \b were\b0 there, and I knew it. Especially since one of the people still there was Beth.
The rest of them, too. \ldblquote So, how you holding up, bucko?\rdblquote Kelly asked me.
\ldblquote Ah, Kel, you know how it is. I\rquote m OK, though. She called last night, we talked for a while. That was cool.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Good. Hey, if you need a shoulder to cry on.....\rdblquote
\ldblquote I know, Kel. Thanks. It\rquote s appreciated.\rdblquote
Beth was just joining us, along with her friend Kerry--and another girl. \ldblquote Hey, do you guys know Olivia?\rdblquote she asked. \ldblquote I asked her to eat with us.\rdblquote
Everyone said hello to Olivia, who murmured hello back, looking very uncomfortable.
Her name was Olivia Drogins, and, yes, I knew her. We\rquote d been in science class last year, in eighth grade. In fact, we sat next to each other. I liked her, possibly because we were both outsiders. Actually, the first time around, I\rquote d asked her out on a date--a dance, towards the end of the year--in eighth grade. She\rquote d eagerly accepted--and then the next day told me her parents had forbidden her to go. And that was that. This time around, of course, I had had Kara.
But I still had gotten along with Olivia in science class. I was one of the few people that paid any attention to her at all. You have to understand, Olivia was the school sad sack.
Her clothes often had holes in the elbows, or were completely threadbare. Her shoes looked like they were being held together by spit and hope. Her hair was often dull and lifeless. This girl was \b poor\b0 . She was also painfully, painfully shy. She\rquote d clearly absorbed a lot of hard knocks, even at 14 years of age.
The thing is, though--she was smart. When you got her talking, she was sweet and nice and interesting. And she wasn\rquote t bad looking. With a little fixing up, she\rquote d be very good looking indeed. She was tall, willowy without being skinny, just curvy enough. Her eyes, when they sparkled--which was rare--were beautiful. In other words, in many ways, this girl had potential. Potential that, it seemed to me, was being completely unrealized.
That\rquote s when it struck me--and I chuckled to myself. Beth had decided to take on a project. Good for her.
The rest of the table might have looked askance at Olivia, except that Beth brought her over. And everyone at the table now knew about Beth, and they probably came to the same conclusion I did about what Beth was doing. So, when Beth tried to draw Olivia into the conversation, the rest of us went with it.
There was another sort-of new face at the table--my erstwhile semi-girlfriend Christine Seneca. That only made sense, as she was best friends with Michelle Pepper who\rquote d been eating with us for a while. Knowing that I wasn\rquote t Chris\rquote s favorite person, I just waved and then tried to ignore her. It seemed as though she was looking at \b me\b0 kind of funny, though.
\ldblquote So, what did everyone do this summer?\rdblquote Danica was asking.
\ldblquote Stayed in remission,\rdblquote Beth said with a wry grin.
\ldblquote Ah, yes, the important things,\rdblquote Stan grinned back at her. She \b beamed\b0 at him. I was so glad I\rquote d opened up to Beth this time around and got her in with this crowd. It was good for her. Stan Murvetsin didn\rquote t stand on ceremony with anyone. Beth needed that.
\ldblquote Oh, and I lived vicariously through the exploits of my best friend, the stud,\rdblquote Beth continued, pointing at me.
\ldblquote Oh do NOT start!\rdblquote I told her.
\ldblquote Sorry,\rdblquote she grinned, not sorry at all. \ldblquote Anyone else?\rdblquote
\ldblquote My Dad decided I was old enough to start working at the sub shop,\rdblquote Stan said. \ldblquote Somebody shoot me.\rdblquote
Michelle laughed. \ldblquote Less than fun?\rdblquote
\ldblquote If I never see another steak bomb for the rest of my life, it\rquote ll be too soon.\rdblquote
We all chuckled at that, then Michelle spoke up. \ldblquote I bought a bass. Guitar, I mean.\rdblquote We all looked at her. \ldblquote I\rquote m just learning to play it now.\rdblquote
\ldblquote You\rquote re taking up bass?\rdblquote I said, pleased.
\ldblquote Yeah. You inspired me, you know,\rdblquote she told me, \ldblquote seeing you play guitar in English last year. I was going to do guitar, but I figured bass was a little more unusual. So, I\rquote m taking up bass. My poor parents,\rdblquote she laughed.
\ldblquote They\rquote re upset?\rdblquote Sara asked.
\ldblquote No, not upset, just stunned. I\rquote m demure, I\rquote m reserved, I\rquote m a good student. Basically, I\rquote m a preppy. And I\rquote m going to be a rock and roll bass player. My parents\rquote image of me is having trouble dealing with that,\rdblquote she laughed.
\ldblquote Well, you\rquote ll need the leopard print miniskirt and the fishnet stockings. Then you\rquote ll be all set,\rdblquote I joked.
\ldblquote Oh GOD,\rdblquote Stan hissed. \ldblquote Do NOT put that image in my head!\rdblquote
\ldblquote Image?\rdblquote Michelle asked.
\ldblquote You, in a miniskirt and fishnets playing a bass. I think I\rquote m in love!\rdblquote We all cracked up at that, but Michelle blushed \b bright\b0 red!
We laughed and joked throughout the rest of lunch. It almost made me forget Kara wasn\rquote t there. Almost.
\b OCTOBER 2nd, 1978\b0
It was the day before the first anniversary of my recycling, and I couldn\rquote t believe how much had changed.
A lot of it to the good. Even though Kara was gone, what we had was so valuable I couldn\rquote t even put it into words. And as it turned out, we were telling the truth when we parted--we did stay the best of friends. We wrote letters to each other a few times a week, and talked on the phone once a week. On the phone the previous day, a Sunday, she\rquote d hesitantly confessed that she\rquote d started seeing someone. That bothered me a lot less than I thought it was going to, actually. I really did want her to be happy.
I, on the other hand, was not seeing anyone. Though I seemed to be getting some interest. I don\rquote t know--even after having lived to adulthood in the previous life, I was still horrible at picking up on signals like that. I was biding my time, anyhow. After Kara, any new girlfriend was going to have a lot to live up to.
School was good, better than I\rquote d anticipated. It wasn\rquote t as challenging as the Prep had been the first time, but who cared? My grades were up and I was teaching myself some study skills. One thing I\rquote d learned--school wasn\rquote t about \lquote learning\rquote , it was about pieces of paper. I could learn on my own. I needed the paper, with the high grades on it, to get out of the rut of the first time around. Period. I didn\rquote t care if I was bored, as long as an A came back at the end of the quarter.
I wasn\rquote t getting beat up, I had a good group of friends, I was enjoying life. All great changes. I was beginning to really realize what a gift I had been given.
Not everything, of course. Beth. Though things there were far better than they had been, too. I saw her every day. She was opening up. Her little \lquote project\rquote with Olivia--and that\rquote s just what it had been, Beth had confessed it to me--was going very well. Olivia actually talked and interacted with the rest of us. She seemed less self-conscious about her threadbare and worn clothes. Of course, Beth\rquote s illness was still hanging over everyone\rquote s head, but she was enjoying the life she had. And we were as thick as thieves most of the time. It really was gratifying.
Of course, there were other bad things about being recycled. Not as serious as Beth, of course, but annoying enough. Like this day, for example, October 2nd, 1978.
Otherwise known as Bucky Bleepin\rquote Dent.
Every Red Sox fan knows what I\rquote m talking about. The Playoff, Sox and Yankees, for the AL East title. The two teams had ended the season tied for first--after the Sox blew a damn 14 game lead--and would have a one-game playoff at Fenway Park on this day.
Of course I had to watch it. I was a rabid Red Sox fan. Why wouldn\rquote t I watch it?
Well, because I knew what was coming, that\rquote s why.
Of course, I couldn\rquote t tell my \b mother\b0 that. And she would\rquote ve wondered why I wasn\rquote t watching. I mean, Sox and Yankees in a playoff? Of \b course\b0 I\rquote d watch. It started at 2 pm, I got home from school just as the first inning was getting underway, and Mom already had it on for me.
So, I watched. It was rather like watching replays of a train wreck.
The Sox, of course, teased us all, taking a 2-0 lead after the sixth, including a homer by the legendary Yaz.
Then came the seventh. The Yankees got two men on base, there were two outs, and Bucky Dent came to the plate. He was their shortstop, their number nine hitter, a guy who played for defense. He wasn\rquote t much of a hitter. He had no power. He hit a harmless fly ball to left. No problem. Yaz had it.
Except the wind kept pushing it, and pushing it, and it drifted over the Green Monster for a three run homer.
Bucky Bleepin\rquote Dent. And I had to sit there and watch it all over again.
The Yankees got it up to 5-2. The Sox came back and made it close, but Yaz popped out with the tying run on third base in the ninth. 5-4, Yankees.
There are some people that enjoy horror movies, and can watch them over and over again. Good for them--I\rquote m not one of them. Jeez. I could\rquote ve stood to have only watched this particular horror movie once.
The next day, in school, everyone was gloomy. I couldn\rquote t help thinking to myself, oh you guys don\rquote t know the half of it. Just you wait. Wait until 1986 and the ball going through Buckner\rquote s legs. Wait until 2003 and Grady Little leaving Pedro in too long. Just wait. This is only the beginning.
I should\rquote ve come back as a non-baseball fan.
\b OCTOBER 11th, 1978
\b0
For the past couple of weeks, things had been, well, strange.
Oh, school was fine, and my friends were fine. Mostly. One of them, however, was acting strange--Christine Seneca.
As I\rquote ve said, after our brief pseudo-romance last year, she\rquote d distanced herself from me. We barely talked the rest of last year. Then, this year, she started eating with us; because of Michelle, I\rquote d guessed. She started the year by resolutely ignoring me. Then, all of a sudden, she wasn\rquote t.
She started talking to me. Then she started sitting next to me. And we were chatting easily after a very short time. I\rquote ll admit, I was a wee bit confused. Was this the same girl that had been pretty much ignoring me for a year? Don\rquote t get me wrong, I didn\rquote t mind. I \b liked\b0 Chris--I never would\rquote ve asked her out last year in the first place if I didn\rquote t like her. It just was strange. I wondered, frankly, what was up.
This was the day I found out. As I got out of the lunch line, she grabbed me and pulled me down towards the end of the gang\rquote s table, where we could be relatively undisturbed.
\ldblquote Ed, I wanted to talk to you,\rdblquote she started. \ldblquote I\rquote ve been thinking. And, well, the thing is, I was wondering if we should give it another shot. Us, I mean.\rdblquote
That surprised the hell out of me. Yeah, she\rquote d been nicer, but I never expected \b that\b0 . \ldblquote You mean you want us to try going out again?\rdblquote I said.
\ldblquote Yeah. Look, last year, I wasn\rquote t ready. It was too scary. But I\rquote ve been thinking a lot about it. I really do like you. I\rquote d like to try it again.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Wow,\rdblquote I said. \ldblquote I didn\rquote t expect this.\rdblquote I took a breath. \ldblquote OK, what are you doing Saturday?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Nothing,\rdblquote she said, grinning. We made plans.
\b OCTOBER 26th, 1978
\b0
It was a strange relationship from the start. We had a good time, but Chris still seemed weird, I don\rquote t know how else to describe it. And she was very, very insecure. That was hammered home to me on this day, the 26th.
The previous day, I\rquote d missed the bus. As usual when that happened, I walked home with Beth.
The next day, Chris confronted me. \ldblquote Was that you I saw walking ahead of me yesterday?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Were you behind me? You should\rquote ve yelled. I missed the bus.\rdblquote
\ldblquote So, you were walking with Beth?\rdblquote
\ldblquote If I miss the bus, I have a standing invite to go over there and wait for my Mom to get out of work,\rdblquote I shrugged.
\ldblquote You could\rquote ve found me, you know. You know I walk. You could\rquote ve hung over my place.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I just always go with Beth.\rdblquote
\ldblquote But I\rquote m your girlfriend!\rdblquote she pouted.
\ldblquote And she\rquote s my best friend. Chris, \b please\b0 do not get all jealous over Beth. You know she\rquote s sick. You know we\rquote ve been close since birth. Please don\rquote t do that to me.\rdblquote
She pouted for a second, then took a deep breath. \ldblquote OK. You\rquote re right,\rdblquote she hissed. \ldblquote I\rquote m sorry. I shouldn\rquote t do that. I\rquote m still not very good at this girlfriend thing.\rdblquote
\ldblquote You\rquote re fine,\rdblquote I smiled.
\b NOVEMBER 2ND, 1978
\b0
But she wasn\rquote t. It got better with Beth, but worse with everyone else. The next day, at lunch, Michelle pulled me aside and asked me to explain the bass line of \ldblquote Day Tripper\rdblquote to her. She was really enthusiastic about learning the bass, and I was glad to help--especially if she was learning Beatles tunes! We spent most of the lunch enthusiastically discussing bass lines to Beatles\rquote songs, along with Stan who had taken up the guitar himself--and I got glared at by Chris the whole time. Jesus, Michelle Pepper was Chris\rquote s best friend! I mean, come on.
The day after, it was Kelly. We ended up telling silly jokes all through lunch. Chris was livid.
Kelly even said something on the way home on the bus. \ldblquote What is up with Chris?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Jealousy,\rdblquote I replied. \ldblquote I\rquote m trying to deal with it.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Jesus. What, you\rquote re not supposed to have any female friends?\rdblquote
\ldblquote That\rquote s the size of it. I pushed the point about Beth, and she backed off there, but I guess I\rquote m supposed to avoid all other girls.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Jesus. She was jealous over \b Beth\b0 ?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yep.\rdblquote
\ldblquote What the hell is she gonna do when Kara comes home for Christmas and you two wanna hang out?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh, I don\rquote t even want to \b think\b0 about that.\rdblquote
On this day, November 2nd, I was eating lunch, when Beth said, \ldblquote Hey. After school, Olivia and I are going to walk down to the square, hang out, maybe do some shopping. You wanna come with?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Sure,\rdblquote I said. I always wanted to spend time with Beth, and I knew she was trying to draw Olivia out, so I was glad to go.
Chris was \b not\b0 glad. She cornered me after lunch and, basically, flipped out on me. \ldblquote Whoa,\rdblquote I interrupted. \ldblquote What is the deal? You know all about Beth. And we didn\rquote t have anything planned today.\rdblquote
\ldblquote But it\rquote s not just Beth, it\rquote s Olivia too!\rdblquote
\ldblquote Olivia is Beth\rquote s friend. Beth wants my help in drawing her out. I\rquote m not going to discuss this anymore,\rdblquote I said, and walked away. I wasn\rquote t at all happy.
That afternoon, prowling Cabot Square, we talked about it. \ldblquote I went to grammar school with her, so I\rquote ve known her for years,\rdblquote Beth told me. \ldblquote And, Eddie, just be careful, OK? You know how smart Chris is, but it\rquote s isolated her.\rdblquote
\ldblquote As it has me,\rdblquote I reminded her.
\ldblquote Right. But you\rquote re way ahead of her right now. Last year was a big deal for you. She\rquote s not there yet. I think she\rquote s clinging to you as her way out of her isolation.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Good point. I just don\rquote t know how long I can deal with it. Honestly, I like having a girlfriend. But I want friends, too.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Well, that\rquote s something else you have to think about,\rdblquote Beth said. \ldblquote Do you like Chris, or do you just like having a girlfriend? I \b know\b0 you like sex,\rdblquote she teased. \ldblquote But are you just going out with Chris to substitute for Kara?\rdblquote
\ldblquote First of all, Chris and I haven\rquote t done anything more than kiss, so \b that\b0 isn\rquote t it,\rdblquote I teased back. Then I got serious. \ldblquote Honestly, Beffy? I\rquote ve thought about that. I \b do\b0 like Chris, quite a bit. I wouldn\rquote t be going out with her if I didn\rquote t. I don\rquote t need or want a girlfriend \b that\b0 badly. Though, I will admit, that the desire to have a girlfriend probably does make me more willing to put up with some of her crap. Does that make any sense?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Sort of,\rdblquote Beth laughed.
\ldblquote And I do realize the isolation, and how damaging that can be. Been there, done that.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Don\rquote t be too hard on her,\rdblquote Olivia suddenly said, very quietly.
\ldblquote Hmm?\rdblquote I turned to Olivia.
\ldblquote Don\rquote t be too hard on her,\rdblquote she said a little more loudly. \ldblquote It can be crippling. It\rquote s for different reasons, but I\rquote m isolated, too. I have one friend,\rdblquote she said, pointing to Beth, \ldblquote and, before this year, I had zero.\rdblquote
\ldblquote You have \b two\b0 friends,\rdblquote I smiled, which pleased her. \ldblquote I thought we got along great in science class last year. I like you, Olivia, OK? But I see your point. Like I said, I\rquote ve been there, too.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I know. So, bear with Chris, that\rquote s all I\rquote m saying.\rdblquote
\ldblquote But the other side of the coin is, take care of Eddie, too,\rdblquote Beth interjected. \ldblquote I\rquote d hate to see you get in a relationship that\rquote s damaging.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I know,\rdblquote I sighed. \ldblquote I think Miss Seneca and I need to have a long talk.\rdblquote
\b NOVEMBER 4th, 1978
\b0
I went over Christine\rquote s house on this day, a Saturday. I knew her parents were never around on Saturdays. Chris was an only child, so I figured we\rquote d be able to have that long talk.
It was pre-empted. Because I\rquote m an idiot.
I got into her house and we sat next to each other on the couch. Before I could say a word, Chris floored me. She looked at me and blurted out, \ldblquote I want to have sex.\rdblquote
After my head stopped spinning, I hissed, \ldblquote Excuse me?\rdblquote
\ldblquote I know you had sex with Kara. Michelle told me. She also told me Kara said it was great. I want that.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Are you sure?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yes,\rdblquote she said. \ldblquote Look, nobody\rquote s here. We have the house all to ourselves. I really want this.\rdblquote
This was a time when I should\rquote ve let my adult brain do the thinking for me--because that part of my brain \b knew\b0 this was a bad fucking idea. However, the thirteen-year-old was in control. And \b he\b0 was thinking with the \b other\b0 head.
This was the problem they don\rquote t tell you about when it comes to losing your virginity young. It\rquote s addictive. I knew what it was like and wanted it again. It\rquote d been a couple months, and in that couple months I had practically given myself tennis elbow whacking off. Now here was Chris, my girlfriend, telling me she wanted it.
Of course, I \b should\rquote ve\b0 asked why. I should\rquote ve questioned her motives. I also should\rquote ve remembered that I\rquote d been questioning whether or not she should be my girlfriend in the first place. But I didn\rquote t. The part of my brain that was doing that was drowned out by the other part of my brain screaming, \ldblquote Hell, \b yeah\b0 !\rdblquote
So, we went upstairs to Chris\rquote s room, so I could take her virginity.
It was a disaster.
I tried going slow. We got each other undressed, and she was plainly nervous, which wasn\rquote t any surprise. I was kissing her and rubbing her boobs. I tried to kiss my way down to her boobs, while putting my hand between her legs, when she asked, \ldblquote What are you doing?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Working you up.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Uh, well, I think I\rquote m worked up already.\rdblquote
Uh, no, dear, my hand is on your pussy and you\rquote re bone-dry, I thought. But I didn\rquote t say that. \ldblquote It\rquote s just better if I go slow,\rdblquote is what I said.
She acquiesced for a bit, but then started rushing me again. I \b should\rquote ve\b0 had an alarm go off in my head when she said, at one point, \ldblquote Can we just get it over with?\rdblquote But I didn\rquote t. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Thinking with my dick again. So, after not-nearly-enough foreplay, I went to enter her.
The only thing that went right is that I was still, from Kara, in the habit of toting a couple of condoms around in my wallet, so I didn\rquote t have to worry about that. I slipped the condom on. She looked ready and eager.
She wasn\rquote t.
Chris was a genuine virgin--meaning, medically. She also wasn\rquote t nearly lubricated enough. But she kept egging me on. And I kept letting her.
God, it hurt, badly. Hurt her, I mean. She was crying throughout the whole thing. And everytime I tried to stop, she told me not to. And I didn\rquote t, God help me. I should\rquote ve. I didn\rquote t understand why she didn\rquote t want me to stop. I didn\rquote t understand why she was so determined to get it over with, even when it was causing her so much pain. And I should\rquote ve understood, I should\rquote ve seen it.
This was about control. This was about \lquote giving the boyfriend what he wants\rquote so he\rquote d stick around. That\rquote s what she was doing. She\rquote d \b said\b0 that she wanted this because she\rquote d heard Kara had enjoyed it, but that was completely secondary. She saw me slipping away, so she figured if she was \lquote putting out,\rquote I wouldn\rquote t leave. And by going through with it, I gave her even more ammunition.
Especially when I came, shortly after getting all the way in, \b right\b0 when she finally lubricated enough to possibly start enjoying it. It was afterwards that what had happened finally hit me. Because, after the pain receded, in the aftermath of a situation that could only be termed a monumental fuck-up--she looked \b happy\b0 . Pleased with herself. I wanted to die.
And, afterwards, we went back downstairs and had a very pleasant rest-of-the-afternoon. We had a wonderful talk. We always \b could\b0 talk. And later, as I rode my bike home, what had happened completely haunted me.
I wasn\rquote t like that. I wasn\rquote t just a guy looking for a \lquote piece\rquote . I \b wasn\rquote t\b0 . But, on this day, I was.
Fuck me.
\b NOVEMBER 11th, 1978
\b0
It was perverse.
The week after The Disaster was the best week of our relationship, by far. She was far more secure, less jealous, more tolerant of my female friendships. She\rquote d put her \lquote mark\rquote on me by having sex, so I was hers, and that was that. She was even more openly affectionate--in school, I mean. Holding hands, linking her arm around mine, stuff like that--which I liked. I just didn\rquote t like the reason for it.
I felt like a complete, utter slug.
The Disaster wasn\rquote t discussed. I didn\rquote t know how to bring it up, and she seemed completely disinclined to do so. As I said, she\rquote d made her mark.
And, in a way, she wasn\rquote t wrong. Even if I\rquote d been inclined to break up with her, after \b that\b0 ? No way. That would be the most callous and cruel thing I could ever do. I took the blame for this. I knew better. Even if you don\rquote t count my first-time-around experiences, even if you just counted Kara, I was no virgin. I knew better. And I\rquote d fucked up.
Damn, but I wanted a do-over. I guess I had exhausted my supply of do-overs.
I wanted to discuss it. I wanted to tell her that this \b wasn\rquote t\b0 how it was supposed to be. I wanted to apologize. But I didn\rquote t know how to bring it up. I let this stew for a week. I hadn\rquote t told anyone--not Beth, not Kara. (And Kara had told me she\rquote d started sleeping with her new boyfriend. Good for her. Really.) I just lived with it--and didn\rquote t know what to do about it.
The following week, Saturday the 11th, I got the opening.
She invited me over again. We started the afternoon doing stuff we usually did. Hey, we were both intellectuals--when I first got there, she was doing the Boston Globe crossword puzzle, so I helped her finish it. Then we played some chess.
And then she said, \ldblquote You want to go upstairs?\rdblquote with a devastatingly eager look in her eye.
I took a breath, and then said it. \ldblquote Not if it\rquote s going to be like it was last week.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Huh?\rdblquote she said, wide-eyed. \ldblquote You didn\rquote t enjoy it?\rdblquote
\ldblquote No, I did \b not\b0 . Chris, do you think I \b like\b0 hurting you?\rdblquote
\ldblquote I thought it was supposed to hurt the first time,\rdblquote she said, confused.
\ldblquote Not like that. Not at all like that.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I don\rquote t understand,\rdblquote she said.
That\rquote s when I really realized--she was too young for this. Despite the fact that she was 14--and had been so since March--and I was only 13. I wasn\rquote t too young for this, because of my past experience, though the events of last week made me think twice about just how young I really was. Kara wasn\rquote t too young for it because she was, well, Kara. But Chris was too young for this. Or too sheltered, or too confused, or something.
Which means I should have probably put a stop to it right then. But, jeez, how could I do \b that\b0 ? And leave her with the lingering memory of sex as the disaster that happened the previous week? I couldn\rquote t do that. And, yeah, I know--that sounds disgustingly altruistic, considering we were talking about an activity that would surely result in me getting my rocks off. But I\rquote d gotten my rocks off even after The Disaster. That\rquote s really not what I was thinking about.
\ldblquote We can go upstairs. But it\rquote s going to be different,\rdblquote I told her.
\ldblquote Different?\rdblquote
\ldblquote You\rquote ll see.\rdblquote
She just looked at me--but we went upstairs. I got her onto her bed, and started undressing her. I undressed myself, then took her in my arms and kissed her. For a \b while\b0 . She went with it, but still seemed impatient. Then I started kissing my way down to her boob, while I let my hands roam lightly all over her body. She was still, I don\rquote t know, apprehensive. Agitated.
\ldblquote Relax, Chris, OK?\rdblquote I told her before I lowered my lips to her nipple.
\ldblquote OK,\rdblquote she said. I think she did, some. I leaned my head down and took her nipple in between my lips. She sighed, just a little. I let my hand rest slightly between her legs, which she spread for me. I did this for a little bit and she seemed better than last time.
Then I started kissing my way down her stomach. When I passed her belly button, she figured it out. \ldblquote Ed? \b What\b0 are you doing?\rdblquote
\ldblquote I thought I told you to relax,\rdblquote I said with a grin. I kept going. As I got my head between her legs, I looked up at her. Her expression was one of absolute shock. She couldn\rquote t believe I was about to do what I was about to do.
Don\rquote t stop me, don\rquote t stop me, I thought to myself, trying to transmit it to her. Then, before she could--stop me, I mean--I dipped my tongue into the folds of her labia.
She shuddered and gasped at the first contact. My hands were up around her hips, and I had felt her tense up at the contact, but then she seemed to relax. I kept going, licking up and down her labia gently. The shuddering in her breathing got more pronounced.
I did that for a bit, then went after her clit--again, gently. The payoff was immediate. \ldblquote Oh? OH!\rdblquote she blurted. I came off of her clit, down the length of her pussy again, and then back to her clit. \ldblquote OOOOOOHH!!\rdblquote
I kept that up for a while, up and down, and then I concentrated on her clit, making little circles around it with my tongue, nudging it as I went around. I heard her breathing get ragged and wheezing, and her hands clenched at the sheets. Then I wrapped my lips around her clit, and slipped a finger inside her pussy. She gave out a yelp at that, then hissed, \ldblquote Oh, God, Eddie!\rdblquote And then she went over, climaxing around my finger.
I backed off, pulling my finger out and disengaging from her clit--but I didn\rquote t back off completely. I went back to running my tongue up and down her pussy, avoiding the clit, trying to work her back up. \ldblquote Oh, wow!\rdblquote she blurted. I kept going, listening for the ragged breathing and panting again. When it started to increase again, I pulled away. She opened her eyes and looked at me, disappointed, but I just smiled at her. I quickly slipped a condom on and entered her.
Damn, she \b howled\b0 ! I felt her pussy clamping down on my dick. Wow, she was closer than I realized. I had no trouble getting into her this time. I was gentle, but the passage was open to me.
After she\rquote d calmed down a little, I started moving inside her. And she still stayed close, panting and calling my name the whole time.
She was still awfully tight--I wasn\rquote t going to last long--but at least we had copious lubrication this time. I wasn\rquote t hurting her. Just the opposite, in fact--she was rapidly climbing the Orgasm Ladder again. I was hoping to get her there before I went. As good as I was feeling, I knew this was going to be a close thing. I just \b barely\b0 made it. I felt her pussy clench again, as she yelped, just as I started filling the condom.
I tossed the rubber, and cuddled up to her. After a few minutes, she finally stopped wheezing and opened her eyes. \ldblquote Oh, God, I get it now,\rdblquote she gasped.
\ldblquote Good. That\rquote s what it should\rquote ve been like last week. I\rquote m sorry that it wasn\rquote t.\rdblquote
\ldblquote That\rquote s OK,\rdblquote she said, turning towards me and smiling. \ldblquote It was my fault. I mean, I just didn\rquote t know. I didn\rquote t have any idea.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I know. But I did so I blame myself.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Don\rquote t,\rdblquote she said. \ldblquote It\rquote s fixed. Boy is it ever!\rdblquote
\ldblquote Good. I\rquote m glad.\rdblquote
\b NOVEMBER 28th, 1978
\b0
So, things should\rquote ve been great, right?
Not quite. She was still more possessive than I liked. She was still sort of using me to validate her own self-esteem. Me with another girl, even as friends, still made her tense up. She was better at not beating me up about it, but it still made her visibly tense up, which bothered me.
Knowing all that, I was about to do something that was the absolute worst thing I could ever do. But I didn\rquote t feel like I could not do what I was about to do. Sometimes you have to make a choice. One of the problems was, I couldn\rquote t completely explain the reasons for the choice to Christine.
Back in the old life, as I\rquote ve said, my freshman year I was at the Prep. The Prep had a Christmas semi-formal. I took Beth.
It was the only thing anything like a formal dance she got to go to. There\rquote d be no proms for Beth. This was it. It was also my first formal dance, and it was important to me that it was with Beth. I also kissed her goodnight--just a little one, but on the lips. That was her first and last for \b that\b0 , too.
So, I\rquote d been thinking about that ever since it was announced that Cabot JHS was going to have a Christmas dance for the 9th graders. Another semi-formal...almost like a ninth grade \lquote prom\rquote . So, unexpectedly, I would get to recreate that memory, one that I cherished. Beth deserved it.
Of course, now I had to tell my girlfriend--who was, remember, jealous--that I planned to take another girl to the big dance.
It did not at all go well.
I tried to explain. She knew Beth was sick. Well, I got down to the truth about it. \ldblquote Chris, Beth is dying,\rdblquote I told her. \ldblquote You and I will have plenty of opportunities for dances and such. We have tons of time. Beth doesn\rquote t. She deserves a night like this, once in her life.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I agree, but why can\rquote t you get someone else to ask her? Stan, or Steve, or someone.\rdblquote
Well, that was the part I couldn\rquote t really get into, wasn\rquote t it? I wanted to take her myself because this was a memory that I would cherish. I didn\rquote t want to pass that up. Plus, Stan was--we all hoped--going to get his gumption up and ask Michelle. Steve himself had a girlfriend. I mentioned Steve\rquote s girlfriend, and said that I thought Stan had other plans. \ldblquote But, besides that, Beth\rquote s my best friend.\rdblquote
\ldblquote But I\rquote m your girlfriend!\rdblquote
\ldblquote I know. Believe me. I didn\rquote t come to this decision without thinking about it long and hard, Chris. But I \b have\b0 to do this for Beth.\rdblquote
That\rquote s when she threw the ultimatum, which wasn\rquote t unexpected. \ldblquote If you take Beth to that dance, you and I are through.\rdblquote
\ldblquote That\rquote s your choice, then. I don\rquote t want to break up with you, but I am taking Beth to the dance. I\rquote m sorry, but I can\rquote t do anything else.\rdblquote Then, I got up and walked away.
When I tried to call Chris that night, she hung up on me. And she didn\rquote t sit with us the next day at lunch. That was that.
Did I do the right thing? I think so, but I\rquote ll never know for sure. Understand, I did not do this so I could give Chris a reason to break up with me, thus weaseling out of doing it myself. Things weren\rquote t perfect with her, but I didn\rquote t have any intention of breaking up with her. Maybe, deep down, I realized she wasn\rquote t the love of my life. Maybe I realized that Beth was more important. I asked myself if I would\rquote ve done the same thing if the girlfriend in question were Kara, not Chris.
And then I realized it was a stupid question--because Kara would\rquote ve told me to take Beth. Which pretty much answered my question, didn\rquote t it?
In fact, Kara confirmed that when I whined to her that night on the phone. \ldblquote Of \b course\b0 you should take Beth. I would\rquote ve told you to,\rdblquote she said.
\ldblquote Good.\rdblquote
\ldblquote So, you and Chris are kaput?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yep, so I\rquote m all alone again,\rdblquote I mock-sobbed.
\ldblquote Oh, get over yourself,\rdblquote she teased. \ldblquote Anyhow, I don\rquote t know if you\rquote re going to stay alone for very long.\rdblquote
\ldblquote What are you talking about?\rdblquote I said.
\ldblquote Oh, you\rquote ll find out. Just this--be alert for when opportunity knocks.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yeah, yeah, Kara, whatever you say. So how\rquote s your love life?\rdblquote
She sighed. \ldblquote We\rquote ll see. I have some of the same problems you do. Jim\rquote s jealous.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Ah. Am I going to get to meet this guy over Christmas break?\rdblquote
She cracked up. \ldblquote Sure, that\rquote ll be fun. Introduce my jealous boyfriend to my ex-boyfriend that I still love. Hell, might as well!\rdblquote
\ldblquote When I told Kelly about Chris\rquote s jealousy problems, she was amused at you coming back for Christmas and us wanting to hang around together. She anticipated Chris having a hissy fit. Ah, well, don\rquote t have to worry about that.\rdblquote
\ldblquote No, now I do!\rdblquote She sighed. \ldblquote It\rquote s OK. I really do like the guy, a lot. If he\rquote d just ease up on the jealousy it\rquote d be fine. That\rquote s really the only thing wrong.\rdblquote I could almost here the grin through the phone. \ldblquote Well, that and the fact that I had to teach him his way around a girl\rquote s fun bits. He had no clue. At least he\rquote s trainable!\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh, Jesus,\rdblquote I said. \ldblquote Do I really want to hear about your sex life?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Hey, you told me about you and Chris. Well, the second time. You just made vague pain noises about the first.\rdblquote
\ldblquote And let\rquote s just keep it at that, shall we? Ah, well. Now, all I\rquote ll have to tell you about is my right hand.\rdblquote
She cracked up. \ldblquote Mark my words. Opportunity\rquote s coming.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Whatever you say.\rdblquote
\b
NOVEMBER 30th, 1978
\b0
At lunch, Michelle pulled me aside. \ldblquote Can you eat with me?\rdblquote I said sure, and we found a little table off to the side.
\ldblquote Can I have your side of the story, please?\rdblquote
Hey, Michelle was Chris\rquote s best friend--and here she was, calmly asking me for my side of the story. That was pretty classy. So, she got it.
\ldblquote That\rquote s a toughie,\rdblquote she said when I was done. \ldblquote I see why Chris was upset. But I also completely understand why you want to take Beth. I can\rquote t blame you.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I had to, Michelle. I just wish Chris hadn\rquote t broken up with me. I\rquote m hoping to try to talk to her after things settle down some.\rdblquote
Michelle shook her head. \ldblquote Don\rquote t count on it. She asked Adam Weller to the dance today, and he said yes. I think she\rquote s got her sights set out for him.\rdblquote
I had to grin. \ldblquote Adam\rquote s more of a nerd than \b I \b0 am.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yep, which means he\rquote s overjoyed that Chris asked him, which means he\rquote ll dote on her completely. Which is what she wants.\rdblquote
\ldblquote It\rquote s funny--she broke up with me last year because \b I \b0 was more into it than she was. And now she\rquote s breaking up with me because I\rquote m less.\rdblquote
\ldblquote You\rquote ve both changed. You\rquote re more secure, she\rquote s less secure.\rdblquote She sighed. \ldblquote Look, she told me what happened. I know that she thought that after you guys had sex, she owned you.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yeah, I kind of figured that.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Especially after the second time.\rdblquote
\ldblquote The whole sex thing with her was probably a mistake,\rdblquote I said with a grimace.
\ldblquote Well, you might be interested to know that she doesn\rquote t think so. She told me that was the one good thing--that you opened her up to that possibility.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Well, that makes me feel a wee bit better.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I know the first time was a disaster, but she says the second time was a revelation.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Which was the idea. Though I didn\rquote t think we\rquote d be breaking up three weeks later.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Upset you primed her pump for someone else?\rdblquote Michelle grinned.
\ldblquote Not at all. I\rquote m upset because it looks like I was just using her for sex. Which wasn\rquote t true at all.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Eddie--Chris \b knows\b0 that. In fact, she thought that there might be a possibility that \b she\b0 was using \b you\b0 . But the sex part isn\rquote t the problem and never was. She told me yesterday that she needs someone completely devoted to her. Which you\rquote re not.\rdblquote
\ldblquote The thing is, I \b was\b0 , by my lights. But her idea of devotion is insane. If we\rquote re not together, she basically wants me sitting around waiting for her phone call, or something. And when we are together, I\rquote m supposed to pretend every one else in the world doesn\rquote t exist.\rdblquote I sighed. \ldblquote I spent too many years with no friends. Now that I\rquote ve got some, I\rquote m not giving them up.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Nor should you. I told her she was being too overbearing, you know--not that she listened to me. Eddie, I think it\rquote s possible that the two of you just weren\rquote t meant to be.\rdblquote
\ldblquote You might be right. I still feel bad about it, though. So, anyway, how\rquote s your love life?\rdblquote
She threw up her hands and snorted. \ldblquote\b What\b0 love life?\rdblquote I laughed. \ldblquote Oh, you laugh. You don\rquote t understand. I mean, what\rquote s my choice? I\rquote ve got the guys who think the way to my heart is by talking to my chest. Or the ones that think the way to my heart is by stuttering and stammering any time they\rquote re within ten feet of me. Or the ones that think the way to my heart is by denigrating my brains.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I don\rquote t do anything like that.\rdblquote I said.
\ldblquote Oh, OK, or the ones that up until two \b days\b0 ago went out with my best friend!\rdblquote
\ldblquote I know, I\rquote m just kidding,\rdblquote I grinned.
\ldblquote I know you are,\rdblquote she laughed back. \ldblquote But, anyhow, that\rquote s my choices. Well, except for one. The guy who likes me, treats me like a human being, looks in my eyes when he talks to me, doesn\rquote t stutter, and likes that I\rquote m smart. The guy I really enjoy spending time with. But the guy who \b still\b0 won\rquote t ask me out for some stupid reason.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Ah. Are we talking, perhaps, about my good buddy Mr. Murvetsin?\rdblquote
\ldblquote That we are,\rdblquote she sighed. \ldblquote What \b is\b0 his problem?\rdblquote
\ldblquote This is his problem, and I quote: \lquote Michelle Pepper? You mean, gorgeous, smart, sexy, fun to be with, great-personality Michelle Pepper? Why on \b earth\b0 would she \b ever\b0 want to go out with a schmuck like me?\rquote\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh, Jesus,\rdblquote Michelle groaned, head in her hands. \ldblquote Ed? Would you please smack him around for me?\rdblquote
\ldblquote I\rquote ll do my best,\rdblquote I laughed. \ldblquote I do think he intends to ask you to the dance, though.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Really?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yeah, but I think he\rquote s thinking of it as more like just friends.\rdblquote
\ldblquote That\rquote s fine. At least I won\rquote t be sitting home. Friends that do things together is a start.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I\rquote ll give him a nudge.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Thanks,\rdblquote she grinned.
And I would, as soon as I could. But, that afternoon, I had more important business--securing \b my\b0 date to the dance. I waited for Beth after school.
\ldblquote Miss the bus?\rdblquote she teased.
\ldblquote Actually, no. I wanted to talk to you.\rdblquote
\ldblquote OK,\rdblquote she said, and we headed out.
I waited until we got to the railroad tracks. \ldblquote What I wanted to talk to you about was this,\rdblquote I started. \ldblquote I was wondering if you would go to the Christmas dance with me.\rdblquote
She stopped, and looked at me. \ldblquote What about Christine?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Chris broke up with me.\rdblquote
Beth grinned at me. \ldblquote So, I\rquote m second choice, eh?\rdblquote
\ldblquote No. Chris broke up with me because I told her that I planned to ask you to the dance.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Oh, Eddie,\rdblquote she sighed. \ldblquote Why?\rdblquote
\ldblquote You have to ask that question?\rdblquote I said pointedly. \ldblquote Look, if she doesn\rquote t understand, that\rquote s her problem.\rdblquote
\ldblquote I feel bad.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Don\rquote t feel bad. This was my decision, and I\rquote m completely happy with it, OK? So, are you gonna go with me, or what?\rdblquote
\ldblquote Of course I\rquote m gonna go with you!\rdblquote she beamed. She stopped, and hugged me. \ldblquote Thank you. You\rquote re the best friend anyone could have,\rdblquote she said softly. Then she pulled away, still beaming. \ldblquote Oh, man, I need to go buy a dress!\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yes you do. Knock yourself out,\rdblquote I grinned.
\b DECEMBER 15th, 1978
\b0
A Friday, the night of the dance.
My mom drove us. Mom was good friends with Beth\rquote s mom, so she came in to help with the picture-taking.
The dress was as I remembered it from the first time around. It was almost a peasant dress. The skirt and up to the bodice were in a floral print, with sliver/gray being the predominant color, with blacks and deep purples swirled throughout. The bodice was black, with that floral pattern trimming it. The sleeves were white. It looked fabulous on her. The predominant gray and white of it contrasted nicely with her dark skin. She had her hair up, and wore just the right amount of makeup. She was gorgeous.
We actually had a better time than we did at the dance at the Prep the first time around. We had a good time then, but we didn\rquote t really know anyone--that dance was for the whole school. I was a freshman, and few of my friends went--we ended up at a table full of seniors. They were very cool, but Beth was shy and I wasn\rquote t much better.
\b This\b0 time, we were with friends. Stan actually did manage to ask Michelle and they were there. Steve brought his girlfriend. Kelly came with Stan\rquote s pal Rob Silverman (just as friends). Danica was there with a guy I didn\rquote t know. Beth\rquote s best girlfriend, Kerry, came with Joe Vizcano. We all sat together.
They had it at school, in the cafeteria. All the dances at Cabot East were in the cafeteria, but they had really done the place up nice. They had it catered, so the food wasn\rquote t the usual cafeteria slop. We ate together and had a great time.
Then we danced, a lot. We were both decent, and we both liked to dance. Beth had a great time, which was the objective. We even traded off a bit--Stan asked Beth for a dance, which she happily agreed with--so I danced with Michelle for a song. Joe Vizcano did the same, as did Steve, and Rob. I could\rquote ve kissed them. Beth was happy, having a good time, feeling attractive. It was worth it--even with the loss of Christine, it was all worth it.
I danced with Kelly while Rob was dancing with Beth, and Kelly leaned in and whispered, \ldblquote You are a good guy. You did a really, really good thing tonight. Don\rquote t you ever forget that.\rdblquote I danced with Steve\rquote s date, whose name was Maria, and she told me she knew all about Beth and had encouraged Steve to dance with her. I danced with Kerry while Beth was dancing with Joe, and Kerry was thrilled that Beth was having such a good time.
It was a magical evening, even better than the one the first time.
Afterwards, Beth was positively bubbly, something she usually wasn\rquote t. I was just thrilled. My mom drove us to her house, and I walked her to the door.
Then I kissed her goodnight.
She just beamed at me, and then wrapped me in a bear hug. \ldblquote Thank you. You have no idea how much this meant to me.\rdblquote
\ldblquote Yeah, I think I do,\rdblquote I said, and kissed her on the cheek. She opened the door and went inside, smiling at me. Then I got back in the car.
Mom--who, of course, knew the whole thing with Beth--said, \ldblquote She had a good time?\rdblquote
\ldblquote She had a very good time.\rdblquote
\ldblquote That\rquote s good,\rdblquote Mom said.
\ldblquote Yes. Yes it is.\rdblquote