So, you want to know more about me?
As you might expect, "Jason Masters" is just a nickname. Don't ask for my real name because you won't get it. I use a nickname mainly for security because I don't want everyone who knows me in real life to know that I enjoy tying-up games.
I became interested in tying-up games when I was still very young. Probably while I was still a preschooler. It only took me a short time to realise that tying-up games were very erotic (although I did not know the word and so could not describe what I felt).
Somehow, I knew that my parents would not approve of my desires. Perhaps I knew it because thinking of being tied up always caused that strange feeling in my groin which I instinctively knew was connected somehow to sex (I was still some years away from discovering that my penis was useful for something other than peeing. I did not yet even suspect the possibility of "something else").
Since I was brought up to be a sexophobic little prude, I had the most horrible internal conflict between my sexual desires, which began developing by age 9 at the latest (and may have started by age 7), and what I thought was "being a good boy". I believed that even thinking about sex was somehow dirty and talking of sex even worse. Anyone who talked openly about sex had to be a bad person.
I was a terribly sensitive boy, totally unable to take teasing and since I had been taught to stay away from bad people, the end effect of these two factors was that I literally had no friends as a child. I can remember thinking one day (when I guess I was around 9 years old), that I had never had a birthday party with friends invited over and I had never been invited to a party. I can remember dismally thinking that there was nobody I would feel comfortable inviting to a birthday party and nobody who I could ever imagine wanting to invite me.
I guess it was around then that I first began to contemplate suicide.
Between having no friends and hating myself because I could not control my sexual thoughts (or actions), I am still not sure why I never killed myself. I can remember (I think I was about 10) hanging the rope over the rafters of the barn out the back and trying a slipknot around my neck, slowly pulling it tighter and tighter, just to see if I could tolerate strangulation long enough to die that way. I remember looking at the chair over by the wall of the barn and thinking how easy it would be to finish the job. I remember thinking that perhaps I would have peace at last.
That wasn't the last time that I came perilously close to suicide. As already stated, I still don't know why I didn't do it.
Somewhere around age 9, I had an interesting experience with tying-up. I had brought along some lighting flex (rubber covered stranded copper wire) to school and I offered, quite out of the blue, not really expecting a positive response, to tie a younger boy up. To my surprise, he hesitated only a second (he also seemed surprised) before accepting my offer.
I had the boy stand with his back to a post (one of several which separated "big side" from "little side") and carefully tied his hands behind him and the post. He struggled for a minute but could not escape. After he admitted defeat, I untied him.
Another boy had noticed what was going on and he also wanted to be tied up, so I tied him the same way and again, after he had struggled for a minute, I released him.
Now a third boy wanted to be tied up and a crowd of younger children was forming. By the time I had the third boy tied, some of the older children had organised a queue which was already about 10 deep with more children running to join the queue all the time.
Unfortunately, a [self-censored] teacher showed up as I was untying the third boy and made me stop the game. :-p
This incident confirmed two things for me, one good and one very bad. The good was that I was not alone in my desire to experience a tie-up game. The bad was that I now knew without a doubt that my desires were wrong because if they were not, the teacher would have let us continue playing.
I never had any friends who I felt I could trust to tie me up as part of a game. All I had was self-bondage games, and these were extremely frustrating because I could not tie myself up all the way. I don't mean that it was physically impossible. I knew that it was possible (albeit difficult) to tie myself up properly, so that I really could not escape. What I mean is that I could never let myself go that far. Since I would have been mortified if I had been caught tying myself up (partly because I would usually strip naked first), I could never tie myself up properly.
Because I had no friends and never experienced a real tie-up game, I consider my childhood was forever lost to me and can never be recovered. There is something innocent about childhood tie-up games, even when combined with sexual games, which can never (in my opinion) be captured in a tie-up game between adults. This opportunity forever lost is a source of never-ending painful regret to me now.
I have asked myself what I would do if I had children and I found them engaged in a tie-up game, either as tier or tied. I do not want any other child to go through the emotional torment I went through, so I hope that I would react with far more understanding than most adults. I hope that I would only interfere the minimum amount necessary to ensure the safety of the tied child.
I have a great deal of sympathy for any child growing up today, particularly a child who either enjoys "bondage" or is "gay". Although I do not consider myself to be "gay", I can understand the kind of pressure to conform which a gay child would feel. It must be very similar to the pressure which I felt as a child.
I hope that one day, good sense will prevail and all useless, discriminatory laws will be consigned to the scrapyard of History. I pray for the day when children can once again be children and play the exciting games that their ancestors played, without hysterical adults screaming "abuse" at the slightest hint of sexuality in the children's play.
I want the laws and more importantly the attitudes of adults toward childhood sexuality to be changed because I know those attitudes are still harming children, just as they have permanently harmed me. If that makes me "weird", so be it. I refuse to apologise to anyone for being what and who I am.
(C) 2003 Jason Masters