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7 SEX MILESTONES TO BRING YOU CLOSER

When we think of sexual firsts, most of us recall the most monumental one of all: losing our virginity. But couples encounter sex-life milestones all the time. What about the first time you had makeup sex? Or your initial attempt to make love when you were hugely pregnant? (If you and he figured that puzzler out, you can conquer just about anything!) The fact is, navigating sexual speed bumps together can boost your communication and teamwork skills, and keep your bedroom routine from feeling, well, routine, says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of Be Honest -- You're Not That into Him Either. Sounds good in theory, but how the heck can you transform your guy's saying no to sex (what?) from a rejection to a bonding moment? To find out, we asked experts -- and women who've been there -- to share success strategies.

Simone, 33, and her husband, Michael, of Oklahoma City, have had plenty of great sex. They've made love in a canoe under the stars. They've done it in a car. But the most amazing sex they ever had was the first time they were trying to conceive. "It was unbelievably exciting," Simone recalls. "Michael whispered, 'You wanna make a baby?' For the first time, sex had a purpose. We were working together for a greater goal. It gave the term 'making love' new meaning."

Conception sex can be the most mind-blowing action you'll ever experience, says sex educator Lou Paget, author of Hot Mamas. "This is sex that could literally change your lives," she says. "It's a very powerful thing, conceiving life together: your child!" It can also feel liberating to ditch your birth control, as Shelly, 37, of Glendale, California, found out. "Our normal method of protection was condoms, so we both loved not using them," she says. "It almost felt like we were being bad by having unprotected sex!"

But let's face it: Although "let's make a baby" sex can be exhilarating, it can also feel superplanned ("We've got to have sex Tuesday night!"). To keep conception nooky from seeming like a chore, Paget recommends being playful. "You could bring a feather duster into the bed," she says. "Or get busy in the kitchen, front seat or backyard. I know of many babies who were conceived on the bathroom floor!"

Still, when "Mission: Conception" drags on, it can be hard to stay spontaneous in the sack. One solution? Separate baby sex (when you're ovulating) from sensual sex that's all about pleasure and connection, suggests Laura Berman, Ph.D., coauthor of Secrets of the Sexually Satisfied Woman. "For example, have baby sex in the bedroom, but sensual sex other places in the house," she advises. "This helps ensure you and he don't associate sex with pressure or any past disappointments of not getting pregnant."

As soon as you've walked down the aisle and said "I do," you're married, but some couples don't feel officially hitched until they've survived that first overnight visit to their parents' house and slept in the same bed. Gulp. "The first night my husband and I had sex in my old bedroom after we were married, it was clumsy at best," recalls Consuela, 33, of Melbourne, Florida. "I was trying to prevent the headboard from banging against the wall, and I kept freaking that my parents could hear us. It was a little tricky!"

Sex at the folks' house is tricky for some, icky for others. "The thought of doing it under your parents' roof is something that many couples cannot fathom, so they institute a hands-off rule for family trips," says Laura Corn, author of 101 Nights of Grrreat Sex. If the prospect of hooking up when parents are within earshot makes you cringe, then you should probably abstain -- or stay at a hotel, where you'll have privacy. But if you're into the whole forbidden-location thing, face it: There aren't many places more off-limits than your parents' pad. "Doing it anywhere you're not supposed to can be a turn-on," Corn says.

How's this for memorable? The first time Terri, 31, of Dallas, and her husband did the deed was at his parents' house! "It was scary, but in a weird way it was comforting," she says. "His parents had been married so long, it felt like a great way to start a good thing!"

Before you were married, he was always up for some lovin'. That's why the first time he tells you he doesn't feel like having sex can hurt more than a bikini wax. "I panicked the first time my husband told me he wasn't in the mood," says Elyse, 43, of St. Louis. "I thought he must have someone else, because he's never not in the mood. I was so certain there was another woman, I even accused him of cheating."

Other women interpret "I'm not in the mood" as "Your butt is too big." Just ask Kristin, 35, of Atlanta. "The first time he turned me down, I took it personally," she recalls. "I'm usually the one who's not in the mood for sex, so when he wasn't, I was highly insulted. I assumed he wasn't physically into me anymore."

Your guy wanting it (or you) all the time is something most women take for granted -- but shouldn't. It's normal for guys to not want sex sometimes, though it's rarely spoken about in our culture. "There's much more shame associated with low male libido," Berman says. Even young guys go through times when they're lust-challenged: They may be depressed, unhappy with themselves or just plain tired. "Don't jump to conclusions and don't make a big deal about it," Berman advises. If his dry spell lasts longer than a month, talk to him -- but not right after he's rejected sex and you're both feeling vulnerable. "The next day over breakfast, say, 'I noticed we haven't been as sexual lately. Is there something you want to talk about?'" Berman suggests. "If he can't pinpoint the problem, encourage him to get checked out by a doctor."

In most cases, though, it's normal for him to want to just crash some nights. He's a person, not a porn star!

When Jamie, 44, of Philadelphia, married eight years, heard the pitter-patter of little feet while she was making love to her husband, she froze. "Our 4-year-old was at our door, bleary-eyed and totally unaware of what he was walking in on," she recalls. "Thankfully, it was dark, but I never saw my husband move so fast! He jumped up, covered himself with a blanket and quickly attended to our son, who'd had a nightmare. Surprisingly, after our son drifted back to sleep, we resumed activity and successfully completed our mission."

Many couples find the prospect of their kids' walking in on them during sex so terrifying that they avoid being physical at all. "Never let this fear stop you from having sex," says Berman. "While you don't want your kid to catch you in the act, having a loving sex life is one of the greatest gifts you can give your children. You're their models for how a healthy intimate life should be."

But how do you relax when just the thought of your child seeing Mommy straddle Daddy's lap is enough to give you nightmares? "Put locks on your bedroom door," says Berman. "If your kids are small, use a monitor so you can get to them quickly." Older children can understand that you and Dad need some private time; tell them they can knock if they need you. And if your child still manages to barge in, remain calm, says Berman. A young child might not even notice. But if she asks questions or acts confused, tell her Mommy and Daddy are cuddling. An older kid who gets it right away will probably back out of your room as quickly as you dive under the covers (which you should do). But if he lingers or seems upset, "explain that this is a natural part of life," says Berman, "and that hopefully when he's married to someone he loves, he'll do the same thing."

You know that people cheat. But when it's your best friend or one of your husband's close buddies who's getting some action on the side, it almost always makes you assess your own marriage -- which can actually be a good thing, explains Berman. "Maybe you are taking your partner for granted, and this will give you new appreciation for him," she says. "If things aren't so great between you, this might help you to recognize what's missing." You might find you're feeling vulnerable and want to make love even more. Or maybe you want to punish your guy (or vice versa) for cloddish behavior on his friend's part. You might even start to suspect that because his pal's cheating, he might be up to no good too. "But that's not a reasonable jump to make," warns Berman. "Don't make him pay for something he didn't do."

When her best friend had an affair, it sent Lauren, 36, of Chicago, into a tailspin. "I was filled with emotions," she says. "Suddenly, I appreciated my guy so much more. I wanted to have sex practically every day just to feel closer to him. Seeing my best friend's relationship fall apart made me want to make mine even stronger."

If you have real suspicions about your guy's fidelity, however, or start feeling extramarital longings of your own, consider this a wake-up call and discuss them -- with your spouse or a counselor -- before it's too late.

Those first few weeks after you give birth, recapturing your sex drive seems about as likely as finding a plumber as hot as Mike Delfino. Not only do you have a needy little creature living with you now, but you've also recently passed a watermelon-size being through your birth canal. (Or, in the case of a C-section, came through major surgery!) And then there's the pain. Oh, and the pain. Did we mention the pain?

Before Consuela took the postnatal plunge, she took a peek and got really freaked. "I viewed my nether region a few weeks after delivery and was petrified of it and of anything touching it!" she says. "How could my friend have changed so much? When my husband and I finally did do it, I remember him being very tender and me wincing a lot."

With a little patience, Consuela's sex life got back on track -- and yours will too, especially if you follow Paget's tips for making love during what she calls the "fourth trimester." When you feel up to it, start being intimate without intercourse. Take advantage of baby's nap time to kiss and cuddle. Give each other foot massages. Make out on the couch. "Postbaby sex is all about reconnecting," Paget says. After all, you just created a human life together -- if that doesn't tap into your mushy-gushy side, what will?

When you're ready to go all the way, get your ob/gyn's blessing first. Most docs recommend holding off for at least six weeks, but every woman's body (and delivery) is different; heed yours. Some signs you might be ready: Your swelling has gone down, and you're no longer experiencing vaginal bleeding or cramping. Even then, take it slow. "Water-based lube can be your best friend," notes Paget. Retearing old wounds will only mean that you'll have to take more time off, so stop the action if it's painful. But don't freak about a little discomfort: Unless you've had a major, lawsuit-launching complication, your body will heal and sex with your steady will feel amazing again.

Sure, you schedule play dates and doctors' appointments and oil changes, but scheduling sex can feel pretty unsexy. "We used to have sex every day -- no matter how crazy-busy we were," says Jen, 32, of Asheville, North Carolina. "But now we've definitely become that couple who books sex. We work so hard during the week that we're just too exhausted to make love then. So we set aside regular time on Friday and Saturday nights to reconnect and be romantic. We have to make a conscious effort, or it just won't happen."

"Putting sex on your to-do list is more romantic than it seems," says Corn. First, it shows that you both treasure "just us" time. "And scheduling romance builds anticipation," she adds. "When you know you're going to do the deed later that night, you can leave him little notes or whisper innuendos to each other, which gets you both longing for your sex date."

If you worry that having to book an intimate encounter with your man is a sign your romance is dead, consider this: You've been scheduling sex all along. "When you were dating, didn't you know you were going to have sex on Saturday night?" Corn notes. "When you go away to a hotel for a weekend getaway, aren't you certain you're going to be intimate?" Bottom line: Penciling in passion doesn't mean you two are boring; it means you're committed to having a sexy marriage -- and what could be more romantic than that?