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NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 20 Feb 2008 19:30:45 -0600
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.d
Subject: {ASSD} *Sigh* Just stick it on the bottom of the pile, Muse.
From: "Elf M. Sternberg" <elf@speakeasy.net>
Date: Wed, 20 Feb 2008 17:29:04 -0800
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===================
In my best Oh-Gods-What-Now voice: "Yes, Muse?"
"You know that story you really like? The one by Ted Chiang? Hell is
the Absence of God?"
Really slowly: "Yeah?"
"What if it were a sex comedy?"
There's an angel on my roof. I have no idea what to say to her.
Jill and I were walking home from the movies when she just dropped
out of the night sky in front of us. You know the scene-- broad
wings, bright smile, cheerful expression. This one wore a silky
top that criss-crossed her chest like something out of Star Trek,
thigh-high white boots, and that was it. Her crotch was
completely exposed. She was as smooth and hairless as a statue,
and that whole "encompassed by light" thing seemed? Focused right
there. "Gabriel!" she shouted. Oh, did she shout. Think
commanding voice of Heaven mixed with your worst schoolgirl squeal
of delight. Some people on the street with us stared. The rest
of them ran for cover. I mean, it's still an angel.
Me? I cringed. You've read the Bible, right? Whenever God wants
to deliver bad news, he sends you an angel. They appeared to Lot
just before Sodom and Gomorrah got nuked. The best news an angel
ever delivered in the Bible is to Mary: "Surprise, you're an
underage unwed mother!" Guess that "abstinence only" thing is
only 99.99% effective.
Jill was gripping my arm so hard there were going to be bruises.
The angel looked confused. "You are Gabriel Reece, right?"
"Uh... yeah."
"Good!" she said. Celstial smile. She could shill for
Ultra-Brite. She dropped to the ground like an Olympic skater,
folded her wings and made them disappear. The big white halo
stayed, hovering an inch above her head. "I'm here to protect
you."
"Oh no," Jill said. I felt the chill from her spine all the way
over in mine. Because angels, when they appear, things happen.
You can't be sure what. You just know that Heaven has its reasons
and they're in-fucking-effable to you and me and that's all you
need to know and just you never want to be involved. Some of the
good things and bad things in life are just accidents, and some
are interventions from beyond. Angels appear on TV now and then.
More often now than then.
So when Heaven sends you a beautiful, blond angel with a Wynona
Rider haircut and not much else in the way of clothing and she
says she's here to protect you, you know you've become involved up
to your eyeballs. You are now officially effed. "From what?"
"Dunno. I wasn't told."
I did not ask "Not told by who?" The answer to that is kind of
obvious, don't you think?
*Sigh* Someday...
Elf
--
Elf M. Sternberg, Immanentizing the Eschaton since 1988
http://www.pendorwright.com/
Elf's latest stories are available in paperback! Buy
the genderbending novel _Sterlings_, available
now from http://stores.lulu.com/elfsternberg