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From: Frank McCoy <mccoyf@millcomm.com>
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.d
Subject: Re: {ASSD} REQ for comments -- story 'MaryKay'
Date: Mon, 20 Aug 2007 22:56:24 -0500
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In alt.sex.stories.d covertscribe@gmail.com wrote:
>Hey gang:
>
>I've had a lot of requests for my other writings, so I'm going to start
>posting them one-by-one. Here is something that I started. I'd love
>feedback (positive and negative) and want to know if anyone is interested in
>me writing further chapters.
>
>Also, if anyone has time to act as an editor, I'd be eternally grateful!
>
I don't know what all the complaints were about:
It was only the *start* of a story, and a request-for-comments.
I've done similar things here before myself.
I thought that was what the group was FOR:
To discuss stories, our writing styles, and get comments.
The alt.sex.stories* groups are for *stories*, not partials and
uncompleted works like this; especially where you are just starting and
the story isn't ... a story yet; just the beginning of one.
Ah well: Enough of that argument.
The story itself:
Nice slow lead-up.
Good, if the whole story keeps the same pace.
NOT good if it just ends up with a hurried fuck and a quick squirt in
each of them. Terrible, if it ends right where it has so far.
OTOH, it would be a crying shame if he didn't get his prick (and his
thick gooey cum) into at least one and preferably both of those two
honeypots.
The story is readable; with no obvious grammatical errors.
The "Truth or Dare" part seems to me to be a bit contrived.
But then, I've never seen a "Truth or Dare" scene in *any* sex-story
that didn't seem put there just because the author couldn't find any
other way to move right along to the sex part.
(I could give hints about Strip-Poker from real life ... Only *there*,
while lots of fun, it never lead to any real sex either.)
The acting scene was a lot more believable; especially when you had the
two girls trying to outdo each other. Kids do that.
Another thing kids do is "showing off" ... not just to the opposite-sex;
but even more-so to each other. "See what *I* can do, that you're too
chicken to!" sort of thing.
I firmly believe that if one girl of such a pair spread her pussy-lips
around a guy's prick and showed the other SHE was brave enough to do-so,
the other would take that same prick up inside her twat ... just to
outdo her companion. For a guy trying to seduce such a pair; often
having two of them showing off to each other would make it easier to
seduce both of them than either alone. Besides, with a companion there,
each feels *safer* with the guy. The guy's only problem (if his aim
*is* to seduce either or both) is to get things far enough along that
they actually can feel (and see the other feeling) his hard-on pressing
into at least one of their bodies without anybody objecting, "Um ... We
weren't supposed to go this far ... really." That rather puts a damper
on things. OTOH, it doesn't mean that *next* time (or even the third or
fourth time after that) that maybe things *will* go that far or even
farther, with no objections this time.
The aim of the guy with getting into a girl's (or girls') panties is to
keep options open FOR those "next times".
I mind one of the most miserable times when I was a teenager. It began
to look over a period of a Summer that two neighbor girls *would* be
slowly allowing me more intimate "next times" over a fair period of
time. I had actual *hopes* of getting into the tight little cunnies of
*both* girls ... in a few weeks, months, or perhaps even a year or two.
They seemed to *like* me ... and liked to tease me and other stuff.
Like I said, I had hopes. Probably *disastrous* hopes, if I'd ever been
successful; but ....
Well, I was only about thirteen or fourteen at the time.
But ... Like you guessed, just when things were starting to look up ...
Both girls moved away; and I never saw either one again until over ten
years later; and then only for a few minutes. I was going one way; and
the girl was leaving as the house they used-to be living in was about to
be torn down. I never even had the sense to take down her name. It was
just, "Hi! I used to live around here," and, "Oh ... Sorry. We're just
moving out. The house, in fact the whole block is being torn down.
They're putting a factory in here." It seems the summer I remember, the
two girls were visiting their Aunt for a few weeks; and she was helping
the old girl move out the last time. I asked if she remembered me; and
was told no.
But: I'll never forget the sight of the two of them, carefully about
three yards away so I couldn't touch or look too closely, doing
cartwheels; showing off that they didn't have ANY underwear underneath
those two seemingly-modest and ordinary dresses. My first and ONLY
glimpse of two very beautiful vaginas ... for maybe two seconds total
... that had to last me until I got my first *real* sex over a dozen
years later.
I always have wondered since if the reason the girls were sent home a
few days later was *because* their aunt had seen them showing-off to me
that day. ;-{
My overall impression of *your* story:
Good.
Not bad, but good.
Not great either; but definitely one I'd put on my "must read" list.
I look forward to reading the finished product.
Oh yeah: While "Mary Kay" fits the lead-in about how he meets the girl
or girls ... It doesn't exactly fit the story itself. Now if one of the
girls was named Mary and the other Kate or "Kay" ....
I'd think seriously about maybe finding a name that fits the *story* a
bit better; not just the beginning of it.
--
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