Path: not-for-mail
From: Yotna <yotna_eltoub@hotmail.com>
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.d
Subject: {ASSD} WB-001 Review of Filling Donna's Fantasies by pjjforu
Message-ID: <h9cvq2dtc2a97bhgh6qpm8barqnu7qisv4@4ax.com>
X-Newsreader: Forte Agent 3.3/32.846
MIME-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii"
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
Lines: 153
X-Complaints-To: abuse@easynews.com
Organization: EasyNews, UseNet made Easy!
X-Complaints-Info: Please be sure to forward a copy of ALL headers otherwise we will be unable to process your complaint properly.
Date: Thu, 18 Jan 2007 17:42:38 +0000
===================
Review WB_001 Filling Donna's Fantasies by pjjforu
Storyline
<Brief outline only>
Let me Paste PJ's own introduction.
This is a real-life story with real-life people based on real-
life events. As such, it may be boring to some who live in a
sexual never-land in which the men are all hunky studs and the
women are gorgeous, slutty one-dimensional cum-buckets. Sorry!
It's just about the, sometimes complicated, relationship between
myself and one of my women friends whom I'll remember, fondly,
forever.
Merits
<What was worthy of comment>
A lot really, the use of language is excellent and relevant to
the circumstance of the plot. Informality ebbs and flows
nicely. There is a flashback in the story to quite a different
time place and situation. This is incorporated well both in
terms of it's timing and inn it's later integration to events.
For once the relevance of the flashback is obvious; this maybe
due to this being a real experience, but it is still refreshing
to see. The single thing that stands out for me is the journey
that this couple are on; this story should remind us all that
it's all too easy not to 'know' the other person.
Demerits
<What detracted from the story>
Very little, a minor thing with using periods to indicate a
pause or transition and then not capitalising. I only mention it
as each time it stopped the flow of my reading.
Example:
"I changed my mind... let's go to my house. I'll fix us
something there."
And also:
"Just the usual, screwing and blow jobs.. just doing away with
any semblence of plot."
The number of periods varied to and sometimes there would be
sequences in one sentence. This is just a habit and a style of
writing, and I won't mark PJ down for it (much). Just shows, I
found it hard to find flaws, mainly due to the flow being good.
Atmosphere
<How well evolved was the environment> Marks out of 20
<17>
Good in fact we move through several environments and one
described one (which if anyone has never been in such an
establishment will be an education) and they are all well
described, whilst leaving out the superfluous. The story had a
consistently good atmosphere.
Workflow
<How well did the story progress and develop> Marks out of 20
<20>
Well I'm awarding top marks here, although the story is not
long (and I would have actually liked this one to be longer)
it's flow was super. Often in shorter pieces one gets the
feeling of something left out; not so here.
Eroticism
<Just how erotic a read is this (erotic, not sexy!)> Marks out
of 20
<17>
The sex scenes tend towards the raunchy, but keep secure contact
with reality (not often do you find any reference to pre-
ejaculation in a sex story!). We also have a delight in seeing a
sexy older woman, a woman who is still learning and willing to
try new things. 50 and sexy - well done, and convincing.
Mechanics
<The boring bit, grammar, typo's etc.> Marks out of 20
<16>
Other than the habit already mentioned the mechanics of this
worked for me. There was the odd spelling mistake (I saw one),
had I re-read it and gone over it with a fine tooth comb I may
have found more. But that would be churlish, the writer has
written a story that sweeps me along, that's a talent.
Impression
<What did I feel having read the story, did I want to read
more?> Marks out of 20
<18>
I wanted to meet Donna! She came over as very real and equally
interesting. She is a bit of a paradox; liberated yet coy about
going in sex shops. Confident yet overly-sensitive (and
therefore vulnerable. PJ tells us this is a real event, that's
believable, these are real people. And that is probably the
highest complement I can give. Writing from recollection and
making it accessible to others is not IMHO easy. PJ excels.
I shall read more of his work.
Total score
88 Yotties out of 100.
Readability guide 00-19 must try harder.
20-39 needs development
40-59 readable
60-79 good read
80-99 should read
100 reserved for my stories :-)
<An average score would therefore be 50>
***Yotna*** "Marriage is a wonderful invention, but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit!"
ASSD Picture site www.picturetrail.com Member name Yotna (e-mail me for passwords)
Writer's Block Forum www.yotnasden.co.uk/Forum
***********