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Subject: Re: {ASSM} Snowballs in Hell by Rachael Ross (M/F, Celebrity, Fantasy, Oral (barely), Humor)
Date: Wed, 20 Sep 2006 14:14:10 -0700
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===================
rache wrote:
> Snowballs in Hell (kinda)
> Copyright 2006 Rachael Ross all rights reserved
> Story Codes: M/F, Celebrity, Fantasy, Oral (barely), Humor
>
> Note: I was halfway through "Respect 6" and I seriously needed to
> lighten up. But not there, so I cranked this out really quick, just
> because I needed to relieve some tension. I'm in Bangkok and if
> you've never been here, it's a lot like Hell, except Bangkok is
> cooler...way, way cooler. -rr
>
> PS - Oh, this starts a little dark seeming, but that passes after 2
> or 3 paragraphs, believe me. The darkness is much more subtle than
> that!
>
> -0=-=-=0-
>
> Snowballs in Hell (kinda)
> Fiction by rache
>
> Prologue
>
> After I died it took me a little time to get used to the fact.
> Especially since I didn't really believe I was dead. I mean I still
> seemed to have a body; I was still corporeal, if that's the right
> word. I didn't remember any tunnels of light, or angels with harps.
> Nothing like that. I just remember sitting in that nice hot bath,
> watching the water turn kind of pink and getting sleepy.
>
> And I had this great dream that Paul had come home from work and found
> me there. And he had started yelling and trying to wake me up, and then
> he ran to the phone and then...He just slumped down next to the tub,
> sitting on the cold tiles of our bathroom floor, and he wept.
>
> It was a great dream and I hated to wake up. It was like hitting the
> snooze button so you could just go back and dream a little bit more,
> even though you knew you were going to be late for your class. But, I
> had to get up. So I climbed out of that tub and walked to my room and
> got dressed, and then I saw Elvis.
>
> The King.
>
> "Hey little mama!" He said. And he looked great, like when he was
> young and thin and so sexy it hurt.
>
> "Hi." I said.
>
> "C'mon." He gestured with his head. "Let's go for a ride."
>
> And I was like, oh boy! So I followed Elvis down to his car, a big
> white Cadillac convertible and got in. He pulled out easy and everyone
> stared, but they weren't looking at me, of course. Elvis put on some
> big sunglasses and turned on the radio. It was playing 'Like A
> Stone' by Audioslave and he started tapping his fingers.
>
> "I like these ol' boys." He told me.
>
> We listened to the radio all the way until we got to the state line,
> which came a lot sooner than I remembered.
>
> "Now leaving Life" I read the sign out loud. "We'll miss
> you!" And there was a big picture of some people who looked an awful
> lot like my friends and family waving goodbye. "That was weird." I
> looked at Elvis.
>
> "It gets weirder." was all he said.
>
> The next sign said, "Welcome to Limbo." I frowned a little. "I
> thought Limbo was in Texas."
>
> Elvis laughed. "Don't worry cherry girl, we're just passin'
> through!" And he stepped on the gas. "Hey, as long as were in
> Limbo..." The king looked around like somebody might be watching us
> as we drove along, but I hadn't seen another car at all. "You think
> you could do poor boy here a little favor?" He was sitting up a bit,
> working at his pants and freeing his penis. It was a big hard one too.
>
> Well, like I was gonna turn down Elvis!? Yeah right! So I was giving
> him head and it was smooth! Oh, you have no idea. It was like his cock
> was made for my mouth, I just went down and down and down...I came 3
> times and I didn't even touch myself!
>
> Elvis was singing to me though, 'Love Me Tender', and that might
> have had something to do with it.
>
> Anyway, I was in for quite a shock when I saw the next sign. "Welcome
> to Hell" There wasn't a word about enjoying your stay, or anything.
> It was just a little sign.
>
> "You're taking me to Hell?" I yelled at Elvis. I tasted sperm and
> I licked my lips.
>
> "I just drive, little mama."
>
> Then I was like, Elvis is in Hell? Well, how bad could it be?
> "What's it like?" I asked him.
>
> "Hell?" He shrugged. "It's nice, you'll like it."
>
> He drove us right into the city. Everything was made from some weird
> black rock that was veined with crimson, like fancy marble from Italy.
> Except it wasn't chiseled or cut, it looked like it was smooth and
> shiny and wax-like, rising up in tall spindly spires, like great
> tongues of black flame. I thought it was pretty intense.
>
> We pulled up to a big set of double doors, all smoked glass, and Elvis
> waved as I got out. "Hey aren't you coming?" I asked him.
>
> "Me? No, I gotta get back to Heaven." He smiled. "You have fun
> now, little mama!" And then he sped off, honking his horn a couple
> times.
>
> =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
>
> Chapter Only
>
> "Welcome to Hell." The doors opened and a guy who looked an awful
> lot like the devil himself was standing there.
>
> "Who are you?" I asked a little suspiciously.
>
> "I'm the goddamn devil." He smiled. "Can I get your bags?"
>
> "I don't have any bags." I shrugged and started wondering what
> kind of a dream this was. I mean the bit with Elvis was cool, but now
> it was just getting surreal.
>
> "Oh, well, that's fine too." He gestured and I walked past him
> slowly into the grand foyer of a large hotel. "I've reserved you
> the bridal suite." He raised his eyebrows. "I hope you'll like
> it."
>
> "Bridal suite?" I stared at him. "What happened to the lake of
> fire and pitchforks and endless torments and stuff?"
>
> "Huh?" He looked genuinely shocked. "I'm not sure." He said
> cautiously. Then he brightened. "But we do have a great brunch
> buffet, really, it's good. We call it the Bruffet. Are you hungry?"
>
> "No, not really."
>
> "Oh." He seemed sort of sad.
>
> "Where is everyone?" I looked around and the place seemed deserted.
>
> "Everyone?" He looked around too.
>
> "Yeah, um...Where's Adolf Hitler? And Jeffrey Dahlmer? And
> um...Judas? Isn't Judas here? I'd love to talk to him."
>
> "Uh...no, there's just us."
>
> "Huh?"
>
> "You're the first person to be damned."
>
> "What?" I gave him the look I reserved for idiots who told me there
> were aliens abducting cows.
>
> "You're it, yep...Number one!" He smiled. "I'm really glad
> you're here too!"
>
> "You mean to say nobody else, in all of human history, has ever been
> damned to Hell before?"
>
> "Uhhhhh..." Satan looked at me very apologetically. "No. I
> mean...Yeah. That about sums it up."
>
> "But what did I do? I mean, I killed myself, so what? Zillions of
> folks do that all the time! I lied, I cheated at Monopoly, I fucked
> every chance I got, drank, did drugs, shoplifted, kicked a dog,
> strangled a cat almost to death once, ummm...I swear a lot, I eat meat
> on Fridays, masturbate during confession, and plot to seduce my father.
> Now tell me, I'm the only one in Hell just because of that?"
>
> "Hmmm...That and, well, I asked for you."
>
> "You asked for me?"
>
> "Yeah. God drew to an inside straight, always a bad idea, and well, I
> had a pair of fives."
>
> "I'm in Hell because God lost at cards?"
>
> "Uhhhh...yeah."
>
> "To a pair of fives?"
>
> He nodded.
>
> "Jesus Christ!" I swore.
>
> "He folded." Satan nodded as he remembered the hand in question,
> somewhat nostalgically, I thought.
>
> "So you asked for me..." I shook my head, trying to understand.
> "...By name?"
>
> "Mmm...not exactly."
>
> "Then what? Why did I get picked to come to Hell?"
>
> "It's lonely down here, come on!" He spread his arms. "God
> forgives everyone. Hell, I can't even get the really bad people...So
> I said, Lord, you gotta give me some company, dude."
>
> "And he gave you me?"
>
> Satan nodded. "I, um...bought you flowers." He ran over to the
> front desk of the empty hotel and retrieved a bouquet of black roses.
> He ran back and held them out, smiling shyly. "I tried to get red
> ones, you know, with baby's breath, but they were all out."
>
> "Black roses?" I stared at them.
>
> "And um...this too." The devil reached into his pocket and pulled
> something out. He looked around a little self-consciously, but there
> wasn't even a tumbleweed. I watched in shock as Lucifer knelt on
> floor and held out his hand, palm up with a little box on it. He opened
> it slowly to reveal a diamond ring. "Rachael, will you, uh, marry
> me?"
>
> It was a pretty big diamond, 3 carats easy and it was gorgeous, just
> glittering there. But...
>
> "I don't know...this is pretty, um...sudden..." I looked at him,
> feeling my heart softening just a little.
>
> "Not for me!" He insisted. "I've...well, God offered me
> some...choices, different girls that I might like. I watched them, I
> watched...you...I mean." He blushed a little. "I fell in love with
> you the day I saw you having sex with your best friend's dad."
>
> "You fell in love with me because I had sex with Jenny's dad?" I
> stared at him. "I was only 16 then!"
>
> "No!" he shook his head. "No, not because of that...I fell in
> love with you because after he was done you called his wife at work and
> told her all about it!"
>
> "Oh." I'd tried to forget that.
>
> "Twice!" Satan giggled.
>
> "Well, I was young...." I rolled my eyes and smiled a little.
> "...she hung up on me the first time."
>
> "A girl who could do that!" He nodded seriously. "That's the
> girl for me!"
>
> "Uh, who was my...er, competition?" I wondered.
>
> "Well, I was thinking about Marilyn Monroe, actually. Something about
> the way she sings happy birthday just gets me right here..." He
> touched his chest. "And Lizzie Borden, she was always on my list."
>
> "Sure..." I nodded thoughtfully. "An axe murderess with her own
> nursery rhyme, who wouldn't go for that?"
>
> "But you..." He held up the ring again. "You're the one Rache.
> Please, marry me and be the Queen Bitch of Hell. Please?"
>
> I thought about it. "I don't...uh...I don't even know your first
> name." I gave him a weak smile. "I mean is it...Lucifer? Or uh,
> Satan? What do I call you afterwards, you know?"
>
> "Afterwards." He smiled like a little puppy, even though he was
> really big, actually, like almost 7 feet tall with the horns and all.
> "Well, Lucifer is okay, sure. Satan is...I sort of use that when
> I'm on business."
>
> "Business..." I nodded slowly. "Like...?"
>
> "Well, like when I buy a soul, or um...somebody sacrifices a goat, or
> uh..." He rubbed his head thinking. "When Ozzy goes on tour, you
> know." He smiled.
>
> "Ozzy Osbourne?" I rolled my eyes. "And he won't even be down
> here...will he? When he finally dies, I mean."
>
> "Oh no, Mary is a big Sabbath fan."
>
> "The Virgin Mary?" I stared at him.
>
> "Not if I get a hold of her!" He grinned, and then caught himself,
> looking guilty and spreading his arms, like what was he gonna do? He is
> the devil, you know.
>
> I just sighed and Lucifer looked up at me with his big crimson eyes,
> still kneeling and holding his ring. "But I'm a big fan of yours,
> Rachael."
>
> "I'll uh....I'll think about it." I promised him. "I need to
> lie down. I think I'm a little...tired."
>
> "Oh, sure!" The devil nodded quickly and pushed the velvet box in
> my hand. "You um, you just hold that okay? And I'll...here!" He
> gestured. "Let's take the elevator. Would you like something to
> drink? Champagne? Uh..."
>
> "No." I smiled, shaking my head wearily. "No...just a bed."
>
> "Oh." He nodded and pushed the button, rocking on his hooves
> impatiently as we waited, every now and then glancing down at me.
> "Damned elevators."
>
> =-=-=
>
> He'd tried to come into my room, but I smiled and put my hand on his
> stomach. "No, not until we're married..." He started grinning and
> I cut it off right away. "If...If we're married."
>
> "But..."
>
> I shook my head and closed the door with a sigh. He was kind of sweet,
> I thought, and I opened the box looking at my ring. Well, it wasn't
> really mine...yet. Did I really want to be married to Satan? I walked
> over to the TV, it was a big one and I turned it on.
>
> Rosemary's Baby...Hell Boy...Hell Raiser...Devil's
> Advocate...Bedeviled...Devil's Own...The Breakfast Club...The
> Exorcist...
>
> "Yikes!" I shook my head and found the pay-per-view channel...
>
> "Devil in Miss Jones..."
>
> "Double Yikes!" Porn that was older than I was! We were going to
> have to get the Discovery Channel down here, if I was staying, A&E too!
>
> I turned off the TV and opened the top drawer of the night stand.
> "Jesus." I muttered. "They're everywhere!" I picked up the
> Gideon's Bible and thumbed through it real quick, looking for the
> part about "Satan, get thee behind me!" But I wasn't in the mood
> for a real search. I threw it back and closed the drawer, lying down on
> the bed and stretching.
>
> I guess I fell asleep, because when I woke up it was dark outside and I
> was a little hungry.
>
> =-=-=
>
> I picked up the phone next to the bed, there was a small folding card,
> laminated with plastic that said 'Room Service' on it and I looked it
> over while the phone rang. There wasn't much to pick from.
>
> "Room Service..." Lucifer said and then he cleared his throat.
> "Ahem...uh, Room Service, I mean." He tried changing his voice too. I
> just rolled my eyes and pretended like I didn't know who he was.
>
> "Hi, I was wondering if I could get some..."
>
> "Deviled eggs?" He suggested.
>
> "Mmmm...Yeah..." I replied slowly. "And maybe one of those..."
>
> "Deviled ham sandwiches?" Lucifer interrupted.
>
> "Right, uh-uh and does that come with..."
>
> "French fries? Yes ma'am, all the damned fries you can eat." He said
> seriously. "They're from France."
>
> "Well, I can eat quite a few." I smiled. "And I guess I'll have a slice
> of..."
>
> "Devil's food cake?"
>
> "Exactly." I had just ordered everything that was listed on the menu.
>
> "We'll be up with your dinner shortly, ma'am." Lucifer said
> enthusiastically.
>
> "And a big glass of milk, please." I said.
>
> "Um, milk?"
>
> "You want me to marry you, bring me some milk. Cold too. From a cow." I
> told Lucifer sternly.
>
> "Oh, how did you know it was me?"
>
> =-=-=-=
>
> "Look..." I said, taking a bite of my sandwich and finding it was
> pretty good actually. "...This isn't gonna work out."
>
> Satan had brought up a cart and now he was pacing restlessly in my
> room, pausing every now and again to ask me things like, "Why not?"
>
> "Because, look we're the only two people in Hell." I looked at
> him, widening my eyes, like wasn't it obvious? "And technically,
> you're not even a people, so..."
>
> "I'm an angel." The Prince of Darkness nodded. "But angels can
> love too, even fallen angels. We have feelings. We're no different,
> not inside where it counts." He looked at me with hurt red eyes.
>
> "I know, I didn't mean it like that." I said gently. "I just
> meant that this is a quiet sort of place and, well...I'm kinda used
> to the hustle and bustle of a big city. I'm a city girl, you know?
> This is like..."
>
> "Green Acres?" Satan sat down on the bed. "Without the pig?"
>
> "What?" I blinked at him. "I don't know."
>
> "But you know I love you, right?" Lucifer leaned forward, reaching
> out to touch my knee.
>
> I sighed, wondering what I was going to do for all eternity, stuck in
> Hell with no one but a love-struck Lucifer to keep me company. It was
> very depressing and I finally began to understand why they called it
> Hell.
>
> end
> Rache696@yahoo.com
>
> Last comments: This story might require an apology, but not an
> explanation, I hope. This was my homage to Dante, without all the fancy
> shmancy words.
>
> --
> Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
> reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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a. I love this story. A LOT.
b. When I read "Snowball in Hell" and "oral" I got a very different
idea.
c. Any smut that involves Elvis is already a winner, the same with
Satan... so both together blows my mind.
d. I consider this an accurate and concise philosophical rebuttal to
Sartre's insistence that "hell is other people." A quote I have lived
by for a while now, but now have to question.
e. Now I will not rest until I find a Bruffet.
f. May I go down on you in reverence?