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NNTP-Posting-Date: Thu, 29 Sep 2005 00:12:07 -0500
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.d
Subject: Re: {ASSM} {ASS} FEMBOT {Hungry Guy} (M/Fembot ScFi asfr bot oral anal rom)
References: <51852asstr$1125774609@assm.asstr.org>
From: "Elf M. Sternberg" <elf@drizzle.com>
Date: Wed, 28 Sep 2005 22:10:32 -0700
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===================
hungry@stoolmail.zzn.com (Hungry Guy) writes:
> {ASS} FEMBOT {Hungry Guy} (M/Fembot ScFi asfr bot oral anal rom)
> BY: Hungry Guy (hungry@stoolmail.zzn.com)
>
> Foreword: This is a work of fiction. None of the people in this
> story are real. None of these events ever happened. This story is
> nothing more than words that came from my imagination. Any
> similarity to any real people, places, or events is purely
> coincidental.
I have (you're not surprised) three issues with this story.
Onea of them is contextual, and the other two are just pure advice from
one writer to another.
The first is that no corporation in its right mind would allow
its products and salespeople to denigrate and verbally mistreat a class
of people who are distinctly and negatively affected by its product.
They might describe their product as more efficient and more helpful and
more pleasureable, but that's different. A corporation who allowed its
sales material (and, in this case, it's products) to refer to the people
its displacing as "meat" would find itself on the losing end of a huge
slew of public demonstrations that would look very, very bad in the
press. "Meat," even on its own, sounds perjorative: it starts sibilant,
has only one syllable, and ends hard. It would quickly become so in
your universe.
The second is that there is no conflict in this story. Aerith
just blows this guy over (literally, in this case) and integrates
herself into his life without pause. There isn't a moment of
reflection; Justin never worries about the _other_ pleasures in life
that Aerith is going to deprive him of: the mature pleasures, like
having a family and having a relationship with someone more complicated
than a sex machine. Those _are_ pleasures, and they're ones it
sometimes takes a lifetime to appreciate. Aerith interferes with those.
So (contextually again) it might actually behoove Aerith to have
functionality above and beyond being an animated sex machine, but
integrating herself into Justin's geeky life to help him actually become
someone capable of socializing. To be "a story" and not merely a
collection of scenes strung together by an idea, there must be some
conflict, some test, and (if this is to be an ongoing idea) both the
hint of that moment when both Aerith and Justin are tested, and the seed
of a resolution that is satisfying to both characters and reader.
And finally, this story fails the stir-my-loins test. Not
because there isn't sex in it, but because you didn't describe how
anyone actually *felt* in the story. Sex scene thrive on colors,
smells, tastes, sounds, and textures-- not merely "he touched her skin,
which was like any human girl's skin," but with real, vivid, vibrant
metaphors, similes, and carefully chosen verbs and adjectives that
communicate something both positive and lacking in Aerith, and something
positive and lacking in Justin, that would make them perfect for each
other, both immediately, and in the very long term. Hell, I have a
clearer picture of Justin's car than I do Justin's soul. Justin and
Aerith don't come across as believable people, and their story doesn't
encourage me to want to read more.
Elf