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From: Evil Fantasies <badgirl_inblack@yahoo.com>
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories,alt.sex.stories.d
Subject: Re: {ASSD}{ASS}Reposting of The Best Mechanic--revised and edited
Date: Mon, 19 Sep 2005 21:44:07 -0700
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===================
Islador wrote:
> I have rewritten and added some more to this short story. Even though it
> started off as a lark one night, it has taken on a life of its own.
>
> Thanks for this little contrivance goes to Russell H. and Uncle Sky. Russ
> for his help in letting me see that I could take my writing seriously and
> Uncle Sky for allowing me to see that not all stories of this genre have to
> be one sided. And last, but certainly not least, thanks to NightHawk
> (Henrie), for your pointers and encouragement.
>
> Cheers,
>
> Islador
Hi! : )
Well, I decided to read this, since you stated that all editing was
done by yourself. After viewing it, I came to the conclusion that you
were most definitely telling the truth. ; )
OK, so here's the official Evil Fantasies review.. (even though I know
you don't want it : P)
There were no codes to forewarn me of the type of sexual content it
contained, so I found myself tricked into reading a pedo story, which
is something I normally don't go for. However, when the younger party
is the one initiating the sex, it can be interesting. I DO have a
fondness for the theme of younger girls seducing older guys, since I
thought about doing those types of things myself, when I was that age :
P (I'm 30 btw).
Moving on...
All of the details about the car and such were a bit dry, and I found
myself skimming over them as quickly as possible. This proved to be a
difficult task, since it seemed to be just an endless slew of one
paragraph after another chock-full of needless automotive details and
mechanic lingo. Descriptives are very important, but you made them TOO
important. I understand that this may have been done in order to pace
the story, and build structure, but it would have been much better if
you had left the "Daytona details" in the garage, and focussed more on
building rapport between the two characters. In fact, there was so much
attention given to the car & the subject of mechanics, that it came as
an unlikely surprise when the female character suddenly had an
overwhelming interest in sex. I had a REALLY hard time believing that
this girl would just dive into it, without second thoughts. Remember,
this is supposed to be a child. The addition of her claim, near the end
of the story, that she had viewed porn, did not help to justify her
actions either. Ok, ok.. maybe I'm overanalyzing it a bit. But I can't
help feeling as if it would have been better if you had approached the
subject of her attraction to this man as something which developed a
little each day. There were no previous indications to suggest that she
even had an interest in sex, up until the moment she touched his
penis... which pretty much led straight to the main coarse, and all
within the space of one afternoon. This scenario would be believable
with an adult/mid-teen female character, but not a 10 year-old. Well,
her actual age isn't revealed, but the male character states that she
looks to be around the age of 10; so I'm using that as a guideline. If
this were a straight-up wank story, I might feel differently, because
those types rarely need an explanation for ANYTHING that happens. LOL
But it's obvious that your intent was for it to be a charming story
about a little girl who develops a "Daddy fixation" for an older man,
resulting in sexual curiosity, and eventually the act itself.
"Eventually" is the keyword here. Your timing, as in the actual
physical text placing of the encounter was right-on, but the build-up
was nonexistent. You wasted valuable paragraphs, in which you could
have injected some situations that would have helped to both explain
the random penis-toucing, and prepare the reader for what's about to
inevitably happen. And when I use the word prepare, I don't mean that
in a "warning" sense; I'm speaking strictly in terms of creating the
vibe, building the tension, mental foreplay...or whatever you choose to
call it.LOL I know this can sometimes be a difficult feat to
accomplish, especially when writing in first-person or, as I like to
call it... "Dear Diary format", but it can be pulled off successfully
with a little practice.
-----------------------------------------
Words which outlived their usefulness after being mentioned for the
100th time. AKA redundancies:
*Baby (in reference to the car)
*Shaft (self-explanatory)
*Clitoral hood (self-explanatory)
--------------------------------------
Pros: An attempt to do something more than simple smut (can't say the
same for myself : P), the mention of hard-on in jeans (well, this is in
a lot of stories, but it gets me every time), kid seducing an adult
(always entertaining), the "forbidden factor", and last but not least,
a blow job
Cons: Poor character development, too much time wasted describing every
single detail of that stupid car, boring into, disappointing finish,
the author's constant need to depict certain parts of the story in a
step-by-step method (i.e. i got into the car, put the key in the
ignition, put my foot on the gas pedal, adjusted my seatbelt, put my
hands on the steering wheel: this is not actual text from the story, it
is just an example I'm using to explain myself), really bad plot
structure, sex scene too brief (I spent all of that time torturing
myself with automotive jargon...and this is my reward?), countless
grammatical errors and just general bad usage of adjectives,
unnecessary profanity which lowered the over-all appeal of the story
right off the bat, and I kept getting the feeling as if I were reading
an entry in Joey Buttafuco's Livejournal : P.
Star rating (on a scale of one to five stars, one meaning awful, and 5
meaning great)
I give The Best Mechanic **1/2
--------------------------------
Evil Fantasies
Cook: So what do you do for a living?
Starman: I make maps
Cook: You make any money?
Starman: *pause* I make maps