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Subject: Title story: "Danny On The Farm" Author: Big Sarah 85171079
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Date: Thu, 07 Sep 2006 22:35:16 +0000
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Spring
Jesus Fucking Christ! Give me a break!
My parents will not get off my back about getting a job this summer. It started
back when there was snow on the ground and as it gets closer and closer to
summer they get worse and worse. Ive got a lot of plans for what I want to do in
the summer between my junior and senior years in high school and they do not
include work.
Look, I had a job once. About six years ago I had a paper route. The stupid job
meant that I had to get up at 6am every day because all the papers had to be
delivered by 7am. And I had to do this even on weekends. In fact Sunday was the
worst because then the papers were huge and weighed a ton. The only good part
about Sunday was that I could usually talk my parents into driving me around the
neighborhood on that one day.
And you cant believe the assholes that we have living in our neighborhood. Like
if their paper was delivered at 7:05am theyd call to complain. Or if I left it
in front of their garage instead of their front door they would complain. Or if
I walked across their lawn to deliver it they would complain. The list goes on
and on. Finally after a month of constant complaints, the route manager gave my
route to some other kid probably some asshole that doesnt mind waking up at 6am
every day!
OK Mom and Dad, Im looking for a summer job. Leave me alone. The first job thats
offered to me where I can work from home, and I only have to put in 10 or 15
hours a week, and it pays me $10,000 a week Ill take it. Well, I never told them
that last part but you get the idea, Im looking but Im really not looking if you
get what I mean.
The summer before my senior year in high school. Thats the summer to relax. We
all have our drivers licenses, and usually one of us can borrow a car from our
parents. And weve found this small country store up in the mountains that
doesnt care how old you are theyll sell beer and booze to anyone with the cash.
Party Time!
Yeah? Well my folks have different ideas. They came back from a drive in the
country this after noon and gave me the good news that they think theyve found
me a job. Theyre going to take me back tomorrow to check it out.
When we went back the next day, Im thinking like, What kind of a fucking job do
you find on a drive in the country? as we drove along. Then when they pulled
into a farm it began to dawn on me. A FARM? CRAP! It got even worse when they
pulled up at the house and this Farmer John guy comes out a real clodhopper with
his red plan flannel shirt and these farmers overalls, and hes chewing tobacco
or something. We talked awhile and he finally said: Well, hes a mite on the puny
side, but I figger I can find something for him to do around the place. Then he
spit tobacco juice.
Puny side? You dickweed! Like at 59 and 185# I may not be in the Arnold
Schwarzenegger category but I can hold my own. It was too late at that point
though. My folks are smile and shaking Farmer Johns hand and agreeing that I can
work weekends till school is out and then full time after that. Fuck! So now Im
even going to lose my weekends. This really sucks.
On the way home I was trying all my arguments out on my folks as to why it
wouldnt work. But they werent buying any of it. It finally came down to if I
ever, ever, ever wanted to have a chance of getting a car of my own, that Id
better take this job, like it, do a good job at it, save my money and at the
end of the summer I could get my car. Well, Ill take the job, but I wont like
it. Who knows, maybe Farmer John will let me drive a tractor thats almost as
good as a car.
The next weekend I was seriously reconsidering whether a car was worth it. Like
the farm has all these animals on it. And it seems like all the animals are
always doing one of three things: either theyre sleeping or theyre eating or
theyre shitting. Like the place smells like well, like a farm. When I got home
that night the first thing I did was to take a long shower, shampoo my hair, and
change my clothes. My Mom wants me to have this job? OK she can wash my clothes
that smell like animals.
Found out that Farmer Johns real name is Jonas. Why does that sound appropriate
for a farmer? His folks must have known what he was going to do for a living
when they named him or maybe he figured that with a name like that, he had to
become a farmer. Anyway, Jonas has had me doing a bunch of odds and end stuff
around the farm for the first couple of weekends sort of get acquainted stuff.
Id thought of farms as these places where there are all these cute little
animals scampering around in the fields. Well its not like that. The cows are so
stupid that if youre not careful when you go into their stall they can crush you
against the wall without even knowing that youre there. And in the horse barn
theres one stallion, I think Jonas called him Satan, whos so mean that Jonas
warned me never to go into his stall alone. And the pigs well theyre greedy
bastards who like to roll around in mud ...
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