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Newsgroups: alt.tv.charmed,alt.witchcraft,alt.2600.crack,alt.adult.stories.text,alt.aquaria,alt.astrology.metapsych,alt.atheism.satire
Subject: two unicycle tyres ( and fluffy dope )
From: land surfer dude <pepp@cyberdude.com>
Organization: kuta
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Date: Thu, 23 Dec 2004 11:04:51 +0000
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===================
two unicycle tyres ( and fluffy dope )
+++
we went round to deans
fuckin hell
we both replaced our standard unicycle tyre th same day
for a
grippier
knobbed tyre
he got th tread pattern i was lookin for
markie thinks
ya cant get it in a 24
pity
i havent seen it
wow dean
+++
my fitty turned out to b
fluffy dope
+++
smokes alright though
+++
just waintin for th thunderstorms
to piss off
so i can go for a unicycle fly
cmon rain
cool it down
sultry they call it
this weather
+++
poor karen
she was sufferin in th heat
i had my shirt off
i did say
it's why i aint gettin a sexchange
was havin coffee with th girls
+++
eric cartman
"Carl's mom is a stupid bitch in d minor"
+++
just playin it like five times
me and markie were wanderint thru
what music we got
im goin back to
tool
dont feel like random today
+++
tool
"hooker with a penis"
+++
friend of mine
was sittin in a bus
pretty girl
bright red hair
listenin to this
at max vol
in th headphones
and th bus broke down
and th only noise in th bus
was this
playing
she didnt notice
too out of it
and just
goin with it
you know
and she's pretty pretty
used to ppl lookin
didnt twig
light bulb moment
turned it off
and went
kinda red
lovely girl
+++
th anal humour from barbie girl is comin along
for a girl who doesnt like her bottom
in that way
we all had a few giggles
+++
she made us a
balloon giraffe
they're gettin there
stuck a date on it
ok
it's not anatomically correct dear
got an arsehole
what sex is it ?
so she drew on this little vagina
kinda cute
and eight nipples
we were doin cones
you know
+++
chrissie was readin me my stars
male stars
jeez
that book was written by a chick that just hates men
is this more lesbian literature ?
so i gave em some lesbian blues
you know
my hands are too slow
will ya hurry up and get off bitch
i wanna go to th pub
karen laughed anyway
+++
barbie girl said something about
bein male and female at th same time
i said
i wouldnt know anything about that
and they all pissed emselves laughin
i got good friends
barbie girl is obsessed with th anal thing this week
i didnt really start it
i said my brother was anal
as in anal retentive
and chrissie picked it up from there
and had a dig at me
so i had a dig at her
and her ex girlfriend
and then we all got sick
funny
+++
karen and i nearly pissed uruselves laughin
listenin to chrissie's
astrology
chart
somethin about
an affair
with tears leakin out of our eyes
i went to th sink
makin coffee and tea
i swear even barbie girl smiled
sorry
ya need more details
ya aint gettin em
this is my diary
not theirs
+++
"yeah fuck off out of it"
+++
mad girls
thanks for th good time
+++
th little ones were asleep
and we were just shootin th breeze
+++
i love pooh
they had to put their old dog down today
he was nice
we were gunna shoot thru
before he got there
said she was an old bitch
ah
i was talkin th other day
about when maree put billy down
it was th right thing to do pooh
dean is pooh's son
fuck his unicyclin's gettin there
markie barely rides
he's beatin ya markie
he's gunna be doin these transitions soon
i;d say three months
he'll go over
what i fell off yesterday
at speed
learn quicker when you;re younger
i started at 23
what took me three years
takes you guys weeks
+++
learn now
+++
my new tyre is like a tractor tyre
got a grain
and it's whoofie
growls as it goes down th road
aggressive
+++
a new love affair with th wheel
coming up
i think
+++
and why not
th unicycles are my girlfriends
+++
i met pooh
when i was gunna have th sexchange
and she was
lovely
still is
+++
tool
(-)ions
+++
more drugs over here
+++
move ya prick
+++
bad hand
it took a concerted effort
but now
th left hand masturbates
as good as th right one
"fuck off paulie"
+++
well if i wasnt so flexible
i;d be bothered by that
+++
"haven't quite made my way thru that"
ah good
i see th drugs are working then
you will experience
a short pain
soon
"why ?"
i'm going to smack you in th head
"ok"
+++
SMACK
+++
"didnt feel a thing"
fictional character
+++
wish th land surfer was
just write in a new location
and
off we go
+++
just kickin back
cant b fucked to watch th simpsons
waitin for it to get dark
and cool down
i wanna go fly my unicycle
+++
"on fluffy dope"
+++
ok
more drugs over here
it's payday
two days before xmas
and no jane
i aint baggin ya today
for throwin me out one year ago
today
cant be fucked
+++
now look jane
if'n ya don;t behave
im gunna call th fuckin monkey kylie
and put hotpants on it
+++
"and cut halfway thru th house vine"
not tellin her that dickhead
+++
i still wanna live in a treehouse
ya havent spoiled my dream
+++
there's no sense complaining
sound doesnt travel thru a vacuum
she can't hear me
+++
we shared a nice connection for a while
is what i remember
or try to
+++
another violent lady
who likes girls
+++
"ya can pick em"
+++
lady from th bus
remember
up th page ?
was under chrissie one night
for th pleasure
to try it
i walked in and sat down
smack in th middle of
she's just found out
everyone knows
i knew
for fuck's sake
everyone knew
including her boyfriend
which didnt go down well
as happens
and she was fuckin steamed
goin out on th road
stop pretty lady
pls stop
dont go out there that angry
and she sat down
and told me th whole story
figured i knew anyway
sat down and talked it out
not really going to fix anything
but
by th time she got to th car
to drive to her dads
she'd told me this
tool
"hooker with a penis"
bus story
i did yur pirate cds
yur a lot prettier when ya smile
+++
i took some time off
to work on my problems
apologies for th lack of service
i stopped finding ppl
in distress
in th middle of nowhere
for a while
+++
"i dunno"
"that guy had never hitched before"
"and finished work at eleven thirty"
"We dont go home that way"
"hate that route"
"too many rbt's"
+++
ok
+++
my nephew sat with me
and we went thru th computer
lookin at what music we both liked
bastard
he preferred
metallica's
"breadfan"
to budgie's original
he didnt know either band
+++
he should listen to
homicidal suicidal
or
nude disintegrating parachutist woman
that's a song
+++
get out of th fucking plane bitch
+++
wonderful thing th imagination
+++
"i came"
"i saw"
"i apologised and cleaned up th mess"
+++
think i'll stay off th piss till xmas day
this ankle isnt up to
maniac ridin
in th nightclubber crowd
convenient stack
i need to save th money
so i can have a small drink new year this year
broke as on th last one
as usual though
i wont go out new years eve
too many ppl die
on th road
and im a sensitive person
i stay near th water
+++
so it's more gooder this year than last
xmas lunch with th stoners
and monday night
chrissies birthday party
and my cousin comin down
maybe
it;s like
1800 kilometres
big drive
with five kids
+++
hey derek
mikey used to tell stories
about you and i
and him
and th things we used to get up to
on th radio
kinda funny
i stopped listenin but
bad enough
when it's front of yur face
at th pub
or a t a party
and th story's grown
ya know
like
that time
in th malanda library
and one of my nuts was hangin out
th holes in my jeans
and yur mum
my auntie
was like
ah paulie
put it away
and little brother
on th radio
with th highest ratings
goin
she nudged it with a toe
and told me to put it away
not one of my nuts mate
i woulda thrown her thru th window
know what i mean mate ?
+++
they used to ring him man
i stopped listenin to em
and of course
i was madly unicyclin
like every night
somewhere
+++
but he was tellin
old tales
from when
we had a ten acre party house
with motorcycles in th house
and pot smokin everywhere
in front of th coppers
in th eighties
in queensland
that was then acknowledged as being
a police state
+++
loved th fitzgerald commision
just told what we knew
already
massive corruption in th force
+++
i spent some time
chewin my fingernails
and laying low
didnt wanna get called up
to answer questions
from some little matters
+++
ah well
+++
it's not on paper
it didnt happen
+++
i dunno
there's just somethin about
havin a copper fucked
a loaded weapon
aimed at his head
cause he wants to shoot th dog
now let's all calm down here
if you didnt have such a big fuckin mouth
th dog wouldnt go ya
and i train him to spot coppers
you shoot th dog you got a problem
you put yourself in this position
i'd holster th weapon
he'll do th same
+++
never happened
pure bullshit
+++
[second pass]
i saved that dog's life
he woulda shot ben too
which is in th record trottie
we value this dog as a brother
i did say
he's not getting you too
havin th dog out there
saved my life
you kill my dog
you die
walk in polite
and ask for me
no starsky and fuckin hutch in my driveway
it's my driveway
i can pull handbrake slides in it
you cant
who th fuck do you think you are ?
[second pass]
daddy was a murderer
dont put a loaded weapon
in front of paulie
he unhinges
+++
look ya fuckin ignorant young cunt
with a uniform
if ya dont take yur hand off yur gun
im not armed
im gunna stick it up yur arse
search for yur brains
and blow th fuckers out
read my record
before ya throw yur threatening gestures at me
they take their hand off their gun
and smile at each other
and go
oh another one
but they dont put their hand back on their gun
i been hunted by a loaded weapon
every gun is dangerous
im watchin th gun
on contact
dont you be a dickhead
+++
puts th willies up em anyway
+++
im not that scattered by guns
got a mate who's an armourer
a really good gunsmith
<<<Smile>>>
just dont have th fixation
use to piss th old man
i could beat him at targets
never picked up a gun
didnt see th need
+++
i just had steadier hands
im a unicycle rider
good natural balance
+++
wheelies on motorbikes back then
+++
have to crack out th clay tomorrow
find a shady spot and make something
just lookin at
the little car
ocarina i made
havent made any ocarina ppl
in eons
i umm
im on a pension
dont ave much money
cant buy meaningful presents
not enough funds
but i have three kilo of clay
an unfired
clay whistle
with eight notes
ocarina ppl
yes you can fire it
it should fire ok
th tone will change
shrinks by about five percent
and no-one knows
whether it's got a gorgeous sound
or a shit sound
till it's fired
sounds ok now
if im nicely whacked
and spent an hour makin it
takes time to breathe life into it
some come out magic
+++
i met this girl
and shot off
stoned as of course
and made her an ocarina
cute little thing
her and th ocarina
it's um
as precious as you treat it
should stay like that
if it's precious
if it's knocked around
it's gone
it's just clay
dont get it wet
here's th scale
i put an extra hole in this one
got one sharp
ok and a flat too
lets not get technical
what do you want from a bit of clay ?
+++
everything
ends up in th clay
and we come along and dig it up
and make things out of it again
i like to think
if humanity's smart
and gets off th planet
and continues to exist here
gives us safety
i'll keep
coming back up
bein made into pottery
bits of me
then whacked in a dirty big oven
and then
those bits are released
in th steam
i'm back
+++
g'day
i'm yur really fuckin stoned host
now fucking sit down
+++
that;'s much better
just umm
next time somebody tells ya to do somethin
dont just go and fuckin do it
now go and buy me a beer
+++
i got stoned
and i had a really good time
and um
came home and went to bed
and couple of days later
um
i dont remember much
couple of months later
i dont remember any of that
+++
i got stoned
and i came home
after a real wild night
and wrote it all down
well what i could remember
but it was fresh
a photograph
can trigger a memory
so can a diary entry
made at three am
mostly
i read that diary entry
not that i ever get that bored
will happen
one day
and it brings it floodin back
memory triggers for me
now i just gotta write a search engine
when was th last time ?
i fucked morticia
i want a memory that's efficient
+++
long term memory
what fell out of my head today
sometimes
it's somthin i've written
a hundred times before
but im writin it
and um
no that aint right
it was this way
tryin to find
has anyone got th truth ?
everybody's perception of events is different
and something clicks
and i rememeber
something
i havent remembered for twenty years
th mushies took their toll
in th early eighties
tryin to obliterate my mind
after th double murder suicide
nearly succeeded
+++
fluffy dope
+++
it smokes alright
ya want finer than that
we have to go to a blend
+++
river phoenix and johnny depp
"i save cigarette buts for a poor girl"
+++
yeah man
th dude from that pirate movie
+++
listen to this
pink floyd
'time"
+++
you'e not followin along i hope
i've had a couple really groovy pages
in my life as a diary
where windows picked th music
and th theme
just wandered thru
the pages of my mind
what i picked as a title to start th page
and where th
creativity went
and where it didnt
id wriitten three pages
of my online diary
and got
yur diary's not balanced
there's all this crap about yur parents death
and yur fear of gettin th sexchange
and i said
it will be balanced
my life is about balance
those years of thinkin sexchange as a cure for th irksome testicles
mum grew up with maids
dad grew up in a peasant vilalge
and they took us
me brother and i
to look at both
because they had never seen
each other's homes
we went to amsterdam
an old family house
on th amstel
overlooking th king of th hippies raft
1973
and then travelled
via norway
to jugoslavia
communist yugoslavia
as it was then
+++
fuck man
what an eye opener
+++
scared
you got no idea
eleven yrs old
dont know if they'll
let th old man out again
he bolted
never did army service
jumped th border at like fifteen
with a luger
we had a couple adventures with
kalashnikovs
or equivalent
i didnt ask their name
+++
well that was magic
hang on
i'll just pack a cone
had my affirmation for xmas
we went thur th xmas lights
little brother
and markie and i
doin our pretty cool
two and a half men thing
they were on
their bicycle choppers
i was on my unicycle
with th new tyre
fuckin yummie too
we rode thru th ligths
up th street
and stead of turnin around
went thru th dark lane
which little brother's not fond of
bad night vision
they dont give a fuck about me on th unicycle
i'll still be there
but i think it was his idea
we both get pulled
pop out th end
and start down th big road
boys start to hook
and this car comes out
backin out of a driveway
and stops
in th middle of th road
no lights on
we slow
and observe
what's goin on ?
then it moves off again
and reverses into th dirt bank
in front of us
they come around that corner
some of them
at 120 kilometres an hour
th car's nose was out into th road
so i ran and knocked
on th door
umm
a car just rolled out of yur driveway
across into th ditch
as i was ridin by on my unicycle
i coulda sworn u said my name
a couple scratches
and ppl observin th whole time
would abeen ugly
if a car had
come around th corner
and
bang
ummm
yeah
sometimes
we get called to things
we know it
not much ya can do
but ya go along
no free will you understand
but ya do it
like ya got a choice
+++
interesting page
mmmm
redhead
with a green name
+++
weird happenings
with wizards at home
just havin an ordinary
everyday xmas
+++
same shit
different day
+++
i used to be amazed
+++
i dont amaze myself anymore
"you need to smoke some more drugs"
will that male me easier to amaze ?
+++
seriously
you gotta devote a certain amount of time
to downloading porn
i do it in cycles
like most things
+++
what goes around comes around
i'm a firm believer in karma
+++
i ejaculate
therefore i am
the land surfer
you can call me fuckin great guy
or fuckhead for short
take yur pick
like i care anyway
+++
p.s.
good timing
is something you need
to ride a unicycle
we were only a litle retarded
besides
we got a giggle
which is fair right ?
id tell ya what it was
but without th badges
most of us cant tell what they fuckin are
it was a white jappie car
fucked if i know
sure it stopped on th white line
fuck
oh yeah
on todds road
umm
th old man
went over th wire
in yugolsavia
with one other person
name of todt
sorry i dont have th spelling
everything happens for a reason
just dont usually know why...