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Chapter 12

        Elizabeth pumped her fist.

        "Yes!"

        She had successfully written a compiler virtually guaranteeing
she'd maintain her straight A average in her major.  Russell Klein, the
graduate student who oversaw the undergraduate computer lab looked at her.
 They were alone in the lab.  During summer quarter the campus was mostly
empty.  And besides it was 9:30 on a Friday night.

        "So can I go home now?"

        Elizabeth had forgotten he was there.  She covered her face and
giggled.

        "I'm done!  I'm done!"

        Russell closed his laptop, tossed it in his backpack, and started
for the door.

        "Want to grab dinner?"

        "Are you asking me out on a date?"

        "No.  I'm asking if you'd like to grab dinner.  You were here when
I arrived at 3."

        "Okay."

        "Pizza sound good?"

        "Pizza's fine."

        Elizabeth didn't own a car.  But she rarely ventured far from the
Stanford campus.  They walked to the only vehicle in the parking lot, a
black Lexus SUV.

        "Is this why I pay so much tuition?  To keep grad students in nice
cars?"

        He smirked.  "I don't get paid squat.  Your tuition money funds the
football team."

        Palo Alto had the distinction of being the country's most expensive
college town.  But it still was a college town.  Just a few blocks off
campus was a restaurant promising San Francisco style pizza.  Whatever that
was.

        Both glanced over the menu and agreed to share a large BBQ chicken
pizza and a pitcher of Pepsi.

        Russell folded his hands together, rested his chin on them, and
looked at Elizabeth.

        "So how'd a girl like you end up in a place like this?"

        She sat straight up and leaned forward.

        "A lab assistant brought me here after a failed attempt to pick me
up."

        He chuckled and let his body lean back in the booth seat.

        "How'd you end up at Stanford?"

        The waitress brought out the pitcher and two glasses full of ice.
 She didn't bother pouring the pitcher's contents into the glasses.
 Russell gave her a dirty look as she walked off and did it himself.

        "I'm from a hick farming town in Iowa where I was valedictorian of
my graduating class, the proud class of 1998.  I also nailed the SAT.  And
my senior year of high school, the bank foreclosed on my family's farm."

        "Ouch.  I'm sorry."

        "It was for the best.  We stayed with friends until I graduated.  I
was considering the University of Iowa.  But with my grades and some
bailout fund for farmers I ended up getting a free ride to Stanford.  Iowa
was going to offer me $750 per semester."

        "Ah ha.  And you were bitching about high tuition."

        "Someone's paying it."

        "Screw 'em."

        The waitress brought out two plates.  But so far no pizza.

        "How'd you end up here?", she asked him.

        "The pizza joint or Stanford?"

        "Stanford."

        "You remember that movie 'Apollo 13' with all the men with
crewcuts, horn rimmed glasses, shirt sleeves, hairy arms, and dark ties?"

        "Yeah?"

        "That was my dad.  But he still looked that in the 80s.  He was an
aerospace engineer in southern California.  I grew up in Pomona.  We had
the white picket fence, my mom never worked, my dad still built model
rockets at 50.  It was hell."

        "Sounds it."

        "He was pushing me into engineering.  Wanted me to leave
California.  Go to Texas A&M.  Georgia Tech.  Colorado School of Mines.
 Some place like that.  I decided to study computer science at Berkeley."

        "And he was okay with this?"

        "Not really, but in his mind at least I wasn't going to major in
sociology or something.  My parents had enrolled me in school a year early
and when I moved from private to public schools I skipped a grade.  So at
the ripe age of 16 I was a freshman at Berkeley.  I went to school year
round and graduated at 19 with my degree and was pre-med."

        "You're a doctor?"

        "I enrolled at the UCSF school of medicine and in four years they
turned me loose with a medical degree.  I met a girl there, god, just
gorgeous.  Her mother was Korean, her father an American GI.  She was going
into gynecology, so I followed her.  Or tried to.  She knew what I was up
to and squashed it right there.  But I had already been accepted into an
ob/gyn residency program over in Oakland."

        "I see.  And was she over there too?"

        "I thought that's where she was going, but she ended up in Seattle.
 So I probably ran her off, who knows."

        "Go on."

        "I did my three years and hated every minute of it."

        "You don't like vaginas?", she said with a giggle.

        "It's not that..."

        The waitress plopped the pizza in the middle of the table and
walked off.

        "It's not that.  In fact I rather love vaginas.  I just didn't care
for what was attached to them and what came out of them after nine months."

        "Seems like it'd be the dream job."

        "Oh god, no.  I have decided attractive women don't visit
gynecologists.  I wasn't really sure what I was interested in and got into
that field because of Karen and was too stubborn to switch.  The women who
should not be having kids because they're unemployed, on drugs, on welfare,
spit them out left and right.  I walked off the job one evening, nearly
lost my residency.  I had delivered this woman's baby earlier that day.  I
was walking down the hall that evening and heard thump-thump-thump, really
loud music.  I go into her room for a postpartum check.  She had about 14
people in her room.  Music blaring.  Her baby was screaming his head off,
but no one could tell since the music was up so loud.  I ripped the power
cord out of the wall and screamed at everyone to get out.  I ended up with
three enormous men surrounding me.  I learned later one of them had a gun.
 I pressed the medical emergency button which brought half the floor to the
room in about six seconds.  Then I got an ass chewing for doing that."

        "Why?"

        "It got turned into a race thing.  I wouldn't have done it if they
had been white.  That crap.  So I just walked out and went home."

        "I don't blame you."

        "Turns out this hospital has a high turnover rate with residents,
especially ob/gyn.  On my 24 hour shifts I was either delivering a crack
baby, running a rape kit, or treating a woman with god knows what disease.
 No fun.  So they couldn't afford to get rid of me."

        Russell took a sip of his drink.

        "Am I boring you?"

        "No, no, this is interesting.  You've done a lot more than I have.
 Go on."

        "Towards the end I had this epiphany.  I couldn't deliver babies.
 I just couldn't.  The world was overpopulated and the women having them
shouldn't be having them.  I think out of every 25 I delivered only 1 was
to a good parent or parents.  I went back to SoCal to worked at a large
ob/gyn practice there.  I told them I didn't want ob cases.  They were fine
with it, but they didn't pay me much and told me I would never become a
partner.  But I didn't care.  I was happy to perform Pap smears and
prescribe birth control pills to yuppie suburban housewives.  They were
really high maintenance.  I just prescribed whatever the asked for.
 Prozac.  Xanax.  Pain killers.  I didn't care.  It wasn't worth arguing
with them."

        "How long ago was this?"

        "Almost four years ago."

        Russell took a few bites of pizza.

        "I got a call out of the blue from a buddy of mine from Berkeley.
 They had scored some VC money and were going to create a web-based medical
advice site.  And they wanted me.  Wanted a doctor on staff.  So I quit the
practice and moved back up here.  I was, um."

        He leaned forward.  Elizabeth met him over the pizza.

        "Are you Catholic or anything like that?"

        "My parents were Lutheran.  But I think it's all bullshit."

        "This group was burning the money faster than the guys on Sand Hill
Road could deposit into our bank account so they couldn't pay me in cash,
just stock.  I ended up back in San Francisco performing abortions.  It
didn't pay well, but it was easy money."

        "Wow!  Awesome."

        "This worthless company went public and I was a multi-millionaire
overnight.  Just like that.  I hadn't done a damn thing other than some
simple programming tasks and explaining what the various medical
specialists did.  I immediately bailed.  I quit and dumped the stock and
got picked up by another company with the next big thing.  HIstory repeated
itself."

        "So you're rich?"

        "You don't come across as a gold digger."

        She giggled.

        "I left my money with an investment firm and took a year-long job
as a doctor for an Antarctic research team.  I got paid an obscene amount
of money.  There wasn't a single woman in this place.  I didn't tell the
guys I was a gyno.  Worst I dealt with was mild frostbite.  I returned to
the Silicon Valley and didn't recognize the place.  The bubble had burst.
 I picked up a nice house in Los Gatos, chilled for a while, and enrolled
in the Master's program at Stanford."

        "Did you lose anything in the crash?"

        "I didn't know it, but they had me 100% in cash when the crash hit.
 I didn't lose anything."

        "You're so cool.  So fucking cool."

        Russell smiled.

        "Glad someone thinks so."

        "Holy shit, what haven't you done?  I grew up on a farm and am a
senior at Stanford.  That's it!"

        Russell rolled his eyes up and did some mental math.

        "Okay, I guess you would be a senior.  It's the end of summer
quarter 2001."

        "I'm about to graduate.  I go here year round.  Like you did.  My
parents moved to Des Moines.  My dad got a job, ironically, at a bank where
he handles the paperwork for farm foreclosures across the state."

        "Weird."

        "It's the first steady job he's had.  He's a good man, he was just
too lazy for farming.  Too lazy for anything.  His two brothers went to
college and moved away.  He took over the farm because it was handed to
him.  So I have no home to return to."

        "Sorry."

        "Don't be."

        "Need a ride home?"

        "Nah, I can walk.  I live nearby."

        "Are you sure?  I'm not going to invite myself in or anything."

        "Just pay for dinner.  I'll walk home and call it even."

        He picked up the check and said, "I think I'm getting a raw deal."


Chapter 13

        "Wow!  You live here?  Alone?"

        Russell closed the door behind them.

        "All mine."

        "Holy shit."

        "Want a beer?  Are you old enough for a beer?"

        "Yes, I would like a beer."

        He handed her a Heineken and walked out onto his deck to light the
grill.

        "What changed your mind?"

        Elizabeth shrugged.

        "You have asked me three times to come over for dinner.  I was
afraid you wouldn't ask a fourth."

        "I almost didn't ask a third."

        "Also, I really haven't had any fun my entire time here."

        "Why not?"

        "I have to keep my grades up to keep my scholarships.  Dating,
vacations, spring break, all of that was out of the question.  Plus while
tuition, books, and housing are provided, the little money I get for a food
allowance doesn't leave me much."

        "So you decided to hook up with a rich guy?"

        "I didn't want you to think that of me!  I'm really not into money
and stuff.  My dream is to move up to San Fran, get a loft apartment, and
crank out code for some startup for coffee and doughnuts."

        "You've never priced a loft in the city have you?"

        "Expensive?"

        He shook his head.

        "It's my last quarter.  And our pizza night was the closest I've
had to a date."

        "Really?"

        "Yeah.  Really."

        The two sat outside while Russell cooked the steaks.  Russell
picked up his Blackberry and pressed a couple of buttons.

        "I am so tired of hearing about this Chandra Levy case."

        "Yeah."  Elizabeth sipped her beer.  "This may sound strange, but I
sort of envy her."

        "You envy her?  She's probably dead."

        Elizabeth shrugged.

        "Elizabeth?"

        "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.  God, no wonder everyone
thinks I'm weird."

        "Are you depressed?"

        "Why, you're going to give me Prozac?"

        "If you need it.  I am still a licensed and board certified doctor."

        "When I was little, maybe five, a girl in a nearby town was raped
and murdered.  I don't know how old she was.  Older than me.  I didn't know
what raped meant.  But I was jealous.  It was weird, even though I knew
nothing about sex or sex crimes, I lied awake at night wishing a strange
man would sneak into our house, take me into a field, hurt me down there,
in my vagina, and kill me."

        "Okay."

        "I had a bright yellow blanket, I think I had had it since I was an
infant.  I still slept with it.  Some nights I would pretend it was fire.
 I would straddle it and pretend someone was cooking my private parts."

        She looked at Russell.

        "Okay, I'm going to call a cab and go back home.  I shouldn't be
telling you all of this."

        "Elizabeth, it's okay.  Seriously.  It's okay."

        "Please don't tell anyone about this."

        "Give me a dollar."

        "Huh?"

        "Just give me a dollar."

        Elizabeth opened her purse and pulled out a wadded bill.  Russell
pulled out his wallet and removed a business card.  He wrote her name, the
date, and "$1" on it handing it to her.

        "As your doctor what you tell me is privileged information."

        "Great.", she said sarcastically.

        He stood up to check on the steaks.

        "Just about done."

        "My school psychologist said I had Aspergers Syndrome.  My parents
refused to believe it."

        "A lot of families do that."

        "I got a few years older.  I started reading a lot.  I was
horrified to learn about my body.  In an evolutionary sense my body exists
for only one purpose, to reproduce, to get pregnant and deliver a baby."

        "That's not really..."

        "No, it is.  I knew right then and there that there was no god.
 What kind of cruel hoax was this?  I read how horrible periods were.  I
read about all of these problems women get.  The only bright spot, if you
can call it that, about being a woman was delivering a baby.  Something I
never wanted to do.  So what was the point?"

        "There is more to life than your reproductive organs."

        "I know that.  I really know that.  But for as long as I can
remember I have been obsessed about two things.  Computers and my body.  I
have a detailed log of all my periods, every time I have masturbated, my
boob size, and my nearly nonexistent sex life."

        Russell stood to remove the steaks from the grill.

        "I'm not suicidal.  But if I could time travel I would go back to
the night I was conceived and cut my dad's dick off before he could stick
it in my mom."

        "Let's go inside to eat."


Chapter 14

        "Elizabeth?"

        She stood at the table crying.  Russell walked over to her.  She
didn't react.  He held her.  Her felt her sobs.

        "Elizabeth, whatever it is."

        She wiped her nose with her hand and took a deep breath.

        "I really like you.  I have so much trouble with boys.  You're
handsome, you're smart, you're successful, you're mature.  You're really
nice to me.  And I blew it."

        "You didn't blow it."

        "Instead of taking me home tonight you're going to take me to the
mental health ward and put me on suicide watch."

        Russell took a deep breath.  Psychiatry was never his strong suit
and he thought the shrinks were scary.  Like Nazi concentration camp doctor
scary.  He held Elizabeth by the shoulders.

        "Elizabeth.  I really like you.  I loved being a lab assistant this
summer.  Often it was just you and me in the lab.  I enjoyed watching you.
 You're so cute.  You get excited when your programs compile and giddy when
they run.  I wanted to ask you out at the start of the quarter but was too
shy.  I was worried I wouldn't see you again after the term ended, so I
asked you out."

        "Really?"

        "Yes, really.  You know, I'm pretty fucked up too."

        She smiled, "You think I'm fucked up?"

        "Yes, you are.  So am I.  So is everyone out there."

        "I am old enough to drink.  Barely.  I probably seem like a stupid
kid, right?"

        "No, you don't.  I think it's awesome what all you have done.
 You're only 21.  I'm 32.  I've had more time.  You're going to have an
awesome life and do awesome things."

        She hugged him.

        "Our food is getting cold."

        The two didn't talk much as they ate.  Elizabeth was starving.
 Despite being rail thin she ate like a lumberjack and figured what
calories she did retain went straight to her breasts.  The sun started to
set behind the house.

        "Would you like me to run you home or do you want to watch a movie?"

        "Movie."

        "What would you like to watch?"

        "Anything.  You pick."

        "Forrest Gump?"

        "Ah, no."

        "Good, because I don't own that.  What about 'The Matrix'?"

        "I've never seen it."

        "You haven't?"

        "I don't get out much."

        Russell put in the DVD and started the movie.  After he sat down
Elizabeth snuggled into him.  He was hoping she would.  He kissed the top
of her head.  Her hair smelled really nice.  He thought she was awesome.
 Sort of tomboyish without being butch, just enough femininity.  She was
quirky.  She was real.  She obviously didn't put on airs or say things just
to get people to like her.

        About fifty minutes into the movie she leaned on top of Russell.

        "This movie is boring."

        "It's my favorite movie."

        "I'm not following it."

        "Just give it time.  You'll figure out what's going on."

        She kissed him, holding the back of his head, pressing his face
into hers.

        "Can we go to your bedroom?"

        "Are you sure you want to do that?"

        "I've had sex twice in my life.  Once was my chemistry lab partner
and it lasted about fifteen seconds including foreplay.  The second was my
computer science teacher on the last day of school.  I went..."

        Russell put his finger over her lips.

        "I don't need your sexual history.  Come."

        He stood up, held his hand out, and walked towards his bedroom.

        "Shouldn't you stop the movie?"

        "Nah."

        "You should turn off the TV."

        He stared at her as he picked up the remote and pressed the off
button.

        "Bedroom."

        Between the bedroom threshold and his bed Elizabeth pulled her
shirt off and unfastened her bra.  She unfastened her jeans and pulled them
off together with her panties.  Russell hadn't even had the chance to close
the door or pull the sheets down.  He enjoyed what he saw.  He also
stripped.  They lied down together.  He held her tightly in his arms.

        "You feel so good."

        She reached down and took hold of his cock.  He was ready for
action.  Russell gently touched her breast letting his palm drag across her
nipple.  This sent shivers down her body starting in her tit and working
its way to her twat.  He let his hand slide down her body and into her
cleft.  She was already moist.  He ran his hand across her clit the same
way he had touched her breast.  It felt good.

        Next Russell repositioned himself and kissed her on her mound.  She
groaned.  He moved his lips down and licked her.  She started to close her
thighs, but stopped herself.  His tongue moved across her again.  She
covered her face with her hands.  He continued.

        "Russell, I'm..."

        A huge spasm hit.  Her orgasm felt like all of her previous
self-induced ones combined.  Russell could feel her pussy twitching against
his lips.  He continued licking causing the twitching to strengthen.  He'd
ease up and then lick again, ever so slowly reducing the pressure from his
tongue.  Elizabeth's body went limp.

        He turned his body back around.  She opened her legs wide and he
slid right in.  Elizabeth closed her eyes feeling him inside of her.
 Russell enjoyed her warmth.  But she was very well lubed, reducing
friction.  After several minutes he repositioned and pushed deeper inside
of her, rubbing his head more.  After a few more minutes he sucked in air
and jerked, releasing into Elizabeth.  She arched her back.  Both panted
and moaned.  Finally he relaxed his body, exited her, and lied down next to
her.  Neither said anything at first.

        "Russell.  That was..."

        "Sorry if it was too quick.  It's been a while since I've done it."

        "If that was quick I'd hate to see a long time."

        Russell took a few more breaths and then turned to her.

        "Your high school computer science teacher?  High school, right?"

        She covered her face.  "Oh god."

        "Don't want to talk about it?"

        "It was the last day of school.  I wanted to say goodbye to him.
 He was so happy one of his students was going to Stanford to study
computer science.  He was a sweet guy.  Married.  Two kids.  I mean, I hate
kids, but I have to say they were adorable.  I had met his wife several
times.  I walked into his office.  He told me how happy he was for me and
he was going to miss me.  He stood up to hug me.  I wouldn't let go.  I was
wearing a skirt.  I rarely wore panties.  In fact I still don't.  I moved
his hand up under my skirt.  He squeezed my ass.  I unfastened his belt.
 He dropped his pants.  He sat in his chair, I straddled him.  And like
that sorry kid he came almost immediately."

        "Hmmm.  I had the hots for my calculus teacher in high school.  If
I thought I could have gotten away with it..."

        "He quickly pulled his pants up, wished me luck, and I never heard
from him again."

        "Probably for the best."

        "Probably."

        Russell looked at the clock.  It was only 9:50.

        "I can take you home, but I really want you to stay.  I have extra
toothbrushes and I'll take you back before your first class tomorrow."

        "I don't have Tuesday or Thursday classes this quarter."

        "Well, I have to be on campus."

        "Can we do it again?"

        Russell grinned and started kissing her on her neck.


Chapter 15

        "Good morning sleepy head."

        Elizabeth blinked her eyes open.  She made out the blurry shape of
a man.  She forgot momentarily where she was.

        "Oh."  She sat up.  The sheet fell off her body exposing her chest.
 She pulled it back up, but gave up.  Yawning she asked, "What time is it?"

        "7:07."

        "Did I mention I don't have class on Tuesdays?"

        "Yes, I believe you did.  But I need you to take this."

        "What is it?"

        "It's commonly known as a morning after pill."

        She grabbed the tablet and the glass of water.

        "Why do I need to take it?"

        "I am a trained gynecologist who thought he was going to need a
canoe to get out of bed this morning because of your cervical mucus."

        She smiled.  She knew it was her happy time.  Her fertile time.

        "I've always been like that.  I feel like a swamp down there and
want to fuck the doorknobs."

        "Well, you must six ovaries in there or something.  I've never seen
anything like that."

        She brought the tablet up to her lips and then pulled it away.

        "You can't make me take it."

        "Take it."

        "I don't want to."

        "Do you want to get pregnant?"

        "Yes.  Because I want you to perform an abortion on me.  I want you
to kill our child."

        "I'm doing just that with a pill.  Now take it."

        She smiled, popped the tablet in her mouth, and drank the water.

        "Did you really take it?"

        "Maybe."

        "Elizabeth."

        "Yes, I took it!  Trust me, I don't want a baby!"  She fluffed her
pillow and said, "Come back to bed."

        "I really need to head to campus."

        "If we fuck now will the pill still work?"

        "It should."

        "Come to bed."

        "Elizabeth, I..."

        "Bed."

        Russell got back into bed.  She grabbed his penis.

        "I have a weird request."

        "Oh geez, coming from you that says a lot."

        "I want to suck your dick."

        "It's all yours."

        "I want you to cum in my mouth."

        "You don't need the pill for that."

        "Shut up and lie back."

        Elizabeth wrapped her lips around his cock and let it slide into
her mouth.  It was really salty.  Almost grossly so.  She breathed in
deeply through her nose and slowly let him back out.  She licked around his
head and then took him in again.  She let him go deeper.  She could feel
his tip hit the back of her throat.  Russell patted her thigh and got her
to lie on top of him so he could return the favor.  They both shared each
other until Elizabeth felt the waves of orgasm explode out of her.  At the
same time she felt pulsing in her mouth and felt a warm, salty glob hit the
back of her throat and tongue.  She swallowed, neither loving it or hating
it.  She pressed her hips down forcing Russell to apply more pressure to
her.  She felt another wave.  Strangely she felt a smaller, but noticeable
throbbing and more fluid landing in her throat.  Elizabeth released him
from her mouth.  She came again and finally had to roll off.

        "God", she moaned.

        Elizabeth turned around lying next to Russell with her arm around
him.

        "I thought men just did it once and that was it."

        "That's usually how it works."

        "You came twice in my mouth."

        "One and a half.  But I came twice in you last night."

        "We fucked twice."

        "You know what I mean.  The second time I came twice."

        "How?"

        "Tantric sex."

        "What the fuck?"

        "It's a California thing, I guess.  I've learned how to have
multiple orgasms.  I didn't control it well just now.  Medically it's an
expanded orgasm and has little to do with the tantric roots."

        "Well, I've never heard of any of this."

        "I have some books.  Okay, I have to get moving!"

        "Do you mind if I get a drink downstairs?"

        "Why would I care?"

        "I loved you cumming in my mouth and I don't want you to think I
didn't enjoy it."

        "I don't care.  I'm getting in the shower."

        "Do you mind if I use your computer?"

        "Elizabeth, you don't have to ask."

        They kissed.  Russell walked into the bathroom while Elizabeth
walked naked downstairs.


Chapter 16

        The cold air of the refrigerator hit her front.  Elizabeth was
sweaty so the air felt exceptionally cold.  She felt her nipples harden.
 She hated that sensation.  She found a can of flavored carbonated water.
 Just want she wanted.  The fizzy action would help clear the mucous-like
glob that was clinging to her tonsils.

        She walked back into the bedroom.  Russell had a desktop computer
in the bedroom.  She sat naked in his chair, sipped his water, and pulled
up her campus email.

        "What?"

        She went to the next email.

        "Holy shit."

        The next email had even more news.

        "What the fuck?"

        She went to CNN's webpage.  Despite Russell's broadband connection
it took a long time to load.

        "Fuck me."

        She heard the shower turn off.  After a few seconds she called for
Russell.  He didn't respond.  She yelled again.  The bathroom door openly
quickly.

        "What's wrong?  Are you okay?"

        The unintentional shrillness in her voice got his attention.

        "Look at this."

        He stared at the monitor.

        "What the fuck happened?"

        "Campus is closed.  So are the airports.  Everything."

        "Let's turn on TV."

        Russell slipped on boxer shorts.  Elizabeth continued to walk
around naked.  They sat down on the couch.  Every channel showed the same
disturbing images.

        "For those viewers just joining us, those just waking up on the
west coast.  At 10:28 AM eastern time the second tower, the north tower, of
the World Trade Center collapsed.  There were possibly untold thousands of
office workers, firefighters, police inside when the tower fell.  About
half an hour previous the first tower, the south one, collapsed.  The
damage was caused by two separate hijacked airliners deliberately crashing
into the two buildings along with a third that crashed into the Pentagon.
 The FAA hasn't confirmed, wait, no, they have confirmed a fourth plane,
yes, a fourth plane crashed in rural Pennsylvania somewhere east of
Pittsburgh."

        Russell looked over at Elizabeth.  He had just then realized she
was sitting naked on his leather sofa probably leaving snail trails on it.

        Without saying anything he picked up his phone and dialed Professor
McKnight's office number.  No answer.  He called his home number.  He
answered on the first ring.  They had a brief conversation and hung up.

        "I don't have to go in today.  Classes will resume tomorrow."

        Elizabeth took a deep breath and said, "I know this is totally
wrong, but all I want to do is curl up naked in bed with you and spend all
day snuggling and fucking."

        "Elizabeth.  All of those people.  How?"

        "Do you know anyone in New York?  I don't."

        He looked at her naked body.

        "Fuck it.  Let's go back upstairs.  But I'm fucking you the way
babies are made.  It feels better."


Chapter 17

        The two lied side-by-side holding hands.  Russell turned to
Elizabeth.

        "You do realize we're probably the only two people on the planet
having sex knowing what's going on in New York."

        "More sex for us."

        "That doesn't even make sense."

        "I know."

        Elizabeth blew air through her lips.

        "You're going to think I'm strange..."

        "I already do.  It's what I love about you.", he interrupted.

        Elizabeth noted his use of the word "love" and smiled.  But then
continued.  "I can imagine what it must have been like to have been on one
of those planes."  She sat up.  "Think about it.  You're scared out of your
mind.  You have no idea where you're going.  You look out the window and
see New York.  You realize you're low, but maybe not that low.  Suddenly
you're thrown forward as the plane impacts the building.  Where does the
fireball come from?  Do you see it coming at you?  Does it come from below.
 One second you're very alive, very scared.  The next you're vaporized.
 Gone.  No earthly trace of you."

        "Sounds horrible."

        "Yeah, but what a way to go.  Several minutes of sheer terror then
you're gone."

        Russell just smiled at her.

        "I wish humans had nine lives like cats."

        "They don't really have nine lives."

        She elbowed him.

        "You know what I mean.  There are so many ways I'd like to die."

        "Such as?"

        "I still like the idea of being kidnapped and raped to death.  But
at my age I'm not sure I would die from it.  Oh, you remember that couple
who stole our nuclear secrets and gave them to the Soviets?"

        "Um, yeah, I can't think of their names.  It was in that Billy Joel
song."

        "The Rosenbergs.  They both died in the electric chair.  What a
cool way to go."

        Russell looked at her wide eyed.

        "They did him first.  He died quickly.  Can you imagine what was
going through her mind?  Knowing her turn was next.  Maybe the lights went
dim as they shocked her husband.  Could she imagine what he was going
through and know she was next?  Then they came for her.  Strapped her in.
 Was the chair still hot?  It took five shocks to kill her.  Five!  She was
still alive after three.  I wonder if she felt it?"

        "That amount of current causes unconsciousness in less than a
second."

        "Not always.  They've had prisoners in Florida and somewhere else
who were begging for mercy."

        "Something probably went wrong, something not hooked up right, the
current was shunted."

        "What time is it?"

        Russell wondered how she went from talking about death wishes and
executions to asking about time.

        "10:15."

        "Let's shower and go grab lunch."

        "I'm sure there won't be much of a wait at any restaurant.", he
said wryly.


Chapter 18

        Elizabeth sat at the computer in Russell's living room.  She had
her head in her hands.  She stared blankly at the screen, the cursor
blinking, just taunting her.  She saved and compiled.  The list of errors
scrolled for nearly two minutes.

        "Can you turn that fucking TV off?"

        Russell peered at her over his copied of "Wired"?

        "If you need any help..."

        "I don't need any help.  I can do this.  I just can't think with
that fucking TV blaring."

        Russell picked up the remote and turned it off.  The volume was
barely above a whisper.

        Elizabeth typed for fifteen minutes straight.  Or so it seemed.
 The clickity-clack-clickity-clack from the keyboard drove Russell bonkers,
but he wasn't about to complain.

        "Oh, fuck me in the ass!"

        "Is that a request?"

        "Can you just... ugh!"

        Elizabeth stood up and went into the bedroom they had been sharing
since early last week.  She emerged with her duffle bag.  She walked back
to the computer and popped the diskette out.

        "I want to go home."

        "Elizabeth, I want you to stay.  I can help.  I can leave."

        "Russell.  I need my space."

        She saw his forlorn look.

        "I'm not breaking with you.  I'll be back.  I'm.  I'm just not
myself.  I need my own computer.  My own space.  Just give me a few days,
okay?"

        "I can buy a laptop so you have..."

        "Russell, it's not about that.  You're a fucking gynecologist.
 Figure it out.  I have PMS.  I'm stressed, this is my hardest quarter
ever.  I really want to graduate in December.  Just take me home."

        Russell walked into the bedroom to get his keys and wallet.  When
he came back down he didn't see Elizabeth.  He walked to the front of the
house and saw her putting the bag into his SUV.  He locked the door and got
in the car.

        "You really should lock your car doors."

        "Why?  There's no crime around here and it's parked in a locked
garage."

        "You know me, Miss OCD." she said sarcastically.

        He backed out and headed towards her apartment near campus.  He
didn't say anything until they had crossed 280.

        "I hate seeing you like this."

        She had her arms crossed.  She gave him a look that said, "Oh, and
I suppose you think I enjoy it?"

        "There are treatments."

        "I'm not something that can be fixed.  I'm a woman.  I have PMS."

        Russell sighed and remained silent until he pulled up in front of
her apartment building.

        "Do you need help?"

        He braced himself for another attack.

        "No.  I'm sorry I'm such a bitch.  I'll call you tonight."

        "Thank you."

        She kissed him and patted his chest.

        "Don't pick up any other undergrads."

        He smiled.

        "I'll see you in a few days?"

        "Yeah."

        "I can't wait until you get your period."

        "Neither can I."

        She hopped out, grabbed her bag, and headed to unit 6.


Chapter 19

        Elizabeth look a long hot shower.  It only helped slightly.  She
exited, dried off, and slipped on a nightshirt.  It was only 3:30 in the
afternoon.

        She powered on her computer.  Compared to the computers in
Russell's house it was slow.  She bought it in 1998 with money she got for
graduation and working that summer.  She was able to add memory after her
freshman year, but since then money had been tight.  Her only other upgrade
had been a free version of Windows 2000.  She opened her ever evolving
diary program.

        The blinking cursor dared her to type.  It seemed more sinister
than the one that was taunting her at Russell's house.  She rubbed her eyes
and contemplated calling his cell phone to come pick her up and take her
back to his place.

        "He'll just think I'm a silly, immature girl."

        She put her hands on the keyboard, but words weren't getting from
her brain to her fingers.  She started crying.

        After a couple of minutes she started typing.

        What have I gotten myself into?  I finally find someone I connect
with.  I've never made friends easily.  I finally find this guy.  This
really great guy.  And what do I do?  I be myself!  How stupid of me.
        I am so tired of acting.  I feel like every second of everyday I'm
on stage in a dark comedy and I'm the main character.  It's so draining.
 When I'm with Russell I'm safe.  But Jesus Christ with a hockey stick, he
probably thinks I'm a fucking batshit insane psycho whore.  Why did I tell
him about Mr. Hopkins?  Did I wreck his marriage?  And then my whole set of
weird obsessions.  I can't be the only one on earth with this!  Am I that
fucking weird?
        Why does he insist on fixing me?  He thinks because he's rich and
he's a doctor and he's smart and he's a graduate student he can just fix
everything in my life and turn me into his brain dead mother who just wore
an apron and baked cookies all day.  I want to write my programs!  I want
to buy my own computer!  If he didn't live so damn far away I'd take a taxi
to his house, but I know I can't afford it.
        Lizzy, advice to self.  SHUT THE FUCK UP!  Stop telling him
everything, even if it's been bottled up for 21 years.
        I love him and I need him.
        What should I do?

        She turned off her monitor, but left the computer on.  She removed
her nightshirt, folded it on the chair, and climbed into her.  Her bed now
felt small a lumpy compared to his.  She lied on her back and mindlessly
stroked her clit hoping to get something going.  Maybe an orgasm, even a
bad one, would improve her mood.  She kept rubbing, but she was getting
sore and wasn't the least bit wet.  She rolled on her side and fell asleep.


Chapter 20

        The ringing phone startled her.  Her clock radio said "8:55".

        "Shit."

        She answered.

        "Hello?"

        "Hi.  It's me."

        She inhaled and smiled.

        "Hi Russell."

        "Am I disturbing you?"

        "No.  No.  I just fell asleep."

        "Should I let you go?"

        "No, I want you to talk to me."

        "Okay."

        There was silence.

        "I really have to pee."

        "I'll let you go."

        "No, wait.  Dammit, there I did it again."

        "What?  What's wrong?"

        More silence.

        "Elizabeth?"

        Russell heard a sob.

        "Elizabeth, what's wrong?"

        "You're the first human being I have ever opened up to.  You didn't
need to know my bladder is full.  Why did I say that?"

        "I don't mind you telling me."

        "Yeah, but this isn't how young ladies are supposed to behave
around their suitors."

        Russell laughed.

        "Listen to yourself.  Suitors?"

        "I'm trying to be normal."

        "I'd rather you be you."

        "Okay, I'm going to wet the bed."

        "Do you have a cordless phone?"

        "Yeah."

        There was silence, then it sunk in.

        "You don't want to listen to me pee do you?"

        "No, I want to talk to you.  If you're peeing while we're talking
it doesn't matter."

        Russell could hear the faint hints of motion, a toilet lid being
raised, and liquid hitting liquid.

        "Feel better?"

        "Yeah, but I'm talking to a man while sitting on the toilet while
taking a piss."

        "Think of it as a new experience."

        She smiled.

        "I shouldn't have told you all that stuff."

        "What stuff?"

        "My whole death obsession thing.  I've never been able to share
that.  I felt comfortable sharing it with you, but I know now I shouldn't
have."

        "Really, it's okay.  We're all wired a little differently is all.
 I don't think you're a danger to yourself or anyone.  I think it's
perfectly normal to wonder what's on the other side."

        "Yeah."

        "You don't wonder what's on the other side do you?"

        "No, that's not it all."

        "Can you explain it?"

        Elizabeth felt waves of emotion coming up.  Her bottom lip started
to tremble.

        "Elizabeth?"

        "I can't explain it.  And I am so afraid if I go 'talk to a
professional' like they say I'll end up locked away."

        "It's actually very difficult to get someone committed."

        "They'd find a way."

        "I have had patients who attempted suicide and I couldn't get them
any help whatsoever.  Honestly I don't know what it takes to get committed."

        "Do you think I should talk to someone?"

        "Only if you want to."

        "Can I talk to you?"

        "Of course."

        "You won't judge me?  Or think any less of me?"

        "Absolutely not.  You're my patient.  My friend.  My lover."

        Elizabeth sat quietly.

        "Do you love me?"

        "I do."

        "I don't mean in the sense of loving mankind.  I mean do you love
me?"

        "I hate mankind.  I love you.  The real you."

        "I love you too."

        "I know."

        "I'm sorry I was a bitch today."

        "I understand."

        "I've never told anyone I loved them."

        "You just told me."

        "Before you, silly."

        "Your parents?"

        "I might have parroted it back when I was three, but I have no
recollection of saying it and meaning it."

        "I'm flattered.  You're the first woman I have felt this way about."

        "Can I see you in a few days?", she asked.

        "You can see me any time."

        "I really need alone time to get this damn project done.  I know
you want to help, but I have to do it."

        "I agree."

        "I love you, Russell."

        "I love you too."

        "Uh, goodnight."

        She pressed the off button and only then realized he was still
speaking.  She then realized she was still sitting on the toilet.

        After cleaning up, eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and
putting her nightshirt back on she got back to work.  At exactly 9:07 AM
the following morning she fist pumped and said, "Yes!".  It was working.


Chapter 21

        "Oh god, yes!"

        Elizabeth was arched backward, her hands on Russell's feet.  He had
his torso and head propped against the headboard.  Being on top was a new
experience for her.  She climaxed with him inside her.  Another new
experience.

        "Russell, I can't keep going."

        "Come here."

        She leaned forward.  He scooted his body down.  They remained
attached, she was lying on top of him.

        "I am so glad you got your period."

        "You and me both.  For an entire week the pain, stress, emotions,
grumpiness, they all build up inside and me and all at once they flow out.
 I still don't like having a period, but at least it ends my PMS."

        "I was thinking about something else."

        "You're relieved I'm not pregnant?"

        "No.  I'm really turned on my periods."

        "I see.  And you think I'm weird", she said with a giggle.

        "What's weird about it?"

        "Oh, I don't know."

        "I mean enjoying a woman's period isn't any more strange and
wanting the electric chair."

        "Okay, I see what you mean.  You don't think periods are gross?"

        "Not at all.  I think they're sexy."

        She rolled off top of him and patted his chest.

        "We'll have to agree to disagree."

        They held each other.

        "I'm getting blood all over the place."

        "I'll clean it, don't worry.  I just want you here.  I've missed
you."

        "I hate being a woman.  My well being is like an exponentially
increasing sine wave."

        Russell laughed.

        "What?"

        She drew a sine wave in the air showing the amplitude increasing.

        "You know, it just gets more and more out of control."

        "In what way?"

        "I got my period when I was twelve.  I started getting horny then
too.  I would masturbate for two or three nights in a row, sometimes even
during the day.  Then two weeks later I'd be bent over with cramps.  And
two weeks after that I'd be even more horny.  And two weeks after that my
period would be worse.  Actually since I've started college my periods
themselves have gotten easier and my PMS has gotten worse.  Much worse."

        "Sounds typical.  Girls have a really difficult time, periods are
just awful.  But their bodies adjust.  Usually by 15 or 16.  Sounds like it
took you until 18."

        "It was hell."

        "I imagine.  What I hated is I would get these mothers who wanted
birth control pills for their 13 year-old daughters to ease their period
symptoms.  But in the long run it's worse for them.  Girls have to pass
through that phase.  The Pill just delays it and makes it worse."

        "I didn't know that."

        "Neither do most pediatricians.  They're the ones doing most of the
prescribing."

        "There was no way my mother was going to allow that for me."

        "Your PMS might be related to diet and stress.  Once you've
graduated it might lessen."

        "I hope."

        "And my diet is shit too, don't get me wrong.  But I don't have an
angry uterus inside me."

        She giggled.

        "Why oh doctor of mine do I seem to get more horny every month and
why do my boobs go from feeling wonderful to feeling like they've gone ten
rounds with Mike Tyson?"

        "Breast pain and tenderness is a normal response to changing
hormone levels.  Your high libido is because you didn't find a man who
could satisfy you until last month."

        "Oh?  And who would that be?"

        Russell reached between her legs and started to tickle her.  She
screamed.

        "Don't do that.  God, I'm so messy, I have to get up."

        Russell looked under the sheets.  They both had blood smeared on
themselves plus the bed had a good sized stain.

        "Let's shower together and I want to show you something."

        They showered together, but spent more time kissing.  The shower
had a seat molded in with small steps leading up.  Elizabeth straddled the
steps allowing Russell to penetrate her.  He slowly and sensually stroked.
 She enjoyed his warm hands caressing her body, the soap aiding the
massage.  Russell squirted into her.  She hadn't climaxed, but the feeling
of him inside of her and him touching her was nearly as good.

        "I'm never going to get clean if you keep fucking me."

        "Then I guess you'll never get clean."

        "Is that what you wanted to show me?"

        "No, it's downstairs."

        They got out and dried off.  Elizabeth dropped a bloody towel on
the counter.

        "I'm sorry, I'll wash that."

        "No you won't.  I'll take care of it."

        "Shit, I need a pad.  And clean panties.  They're in my bag.  Would
you mind?"

        "I was hoping I could insert a tampon in you."

        "That would be nice, but I think I'm too sore."

        "From your period?"

        "From your penis!"

        Without asking Russell put a maxi pad inside Elizabeth's panties
and helped put them on.  She slipped on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt,
skipping the bra.  He also put on shorts and t-shirt and no bra.

        "Did they teach you about maxi pads in med school."

        "My residency."

        "I was just wondering."

        "There was a woman there.  Former nurse.  She burned out, became an
administrator.  She was our professional guinea pig.  They took us into a
room.  She showed us how to remove and insert a pad.  Then she got into the
stirrups and we had to take turns inserting and removing a tampon."

        "Ouch."

        "We were inserting them in her."

        She elbowed him.

        "I know.  It hurts taking out a tampon that isn't bloody.  And she
had to experience this, how many times?"

        "Nine of us.  They excluded the women doctors figuring they already
knew how to do it."

        "I wouldn't want her job.  Was she really bleeding?  How old was
she?"

        "Yes, she was menstruating.  The pad she showed us was hers and was
used.  She was 45.  And a knockout."

        "Oh really?  Should I be jealous?"

        "She's probably hit menopause.  So no."

        "Cute."

        "Where are you taking me?"

        Russell opened a door leading down some stairs.

        "You have a cellar?"

        "Well, we call them basements.  Are they different?"

        "I don't know.  We called them cellars in Iowa.  And hid in them
during tornadoes."

        "I actually have two.  I have a smaller sub-basement below my main
basement."

        "Classy."

        They walked down.  Russell took a key from his pocket and unlocked
a door with a deadbolt.  He swung open the door and turned on a light.

        "What is this?"

        They stepped into the room.

        "Is that an exam chair?"

        "Yup."

        "Huh.  I've never seen one."

        "Haven't you been seen by a gynecologist?"

        "No.  I didn't have health insurance as a teen and had no reason to
see one since getting here."

        She looked around some more.

        "What's all of this stuff?", she asked while picking up a small
whip.

        "I have a dark mind and a dark past."


Chapter 22

        The couple sat on the sofa in Russell's living room.  He turned
towards Elizabeth.

        "You remember you said you wanted me to perform an abortion on you?"

        "Yeah."

        "Did you mean it?  Did you really mean it?"

        "I was half joking.  I assumed you had no means to do it.  But if
you could."

        "I could."

        "I would love that!"

        "Why?"

        "I dunno.  I had thought I would like to have an abortion.  But I
didn't think anyone would sleep with me."

        "Why?"

        "Because I'm weird."

        "Believe me.  Men don't care."

        "But then I'd be alone for the pregnancy test.  I'd go to the
clinic, have to avoid protestors.  It would be sterile and impersonal.  I'd
get scraped and sent home.  It seemed anticlimactic."

        "But if I did it?"

        "Oh my god!  The father of the baby inside of me ending that life?
 Holy shit Batman, doesn't that just give you chills?  I mean good chills?"

        "It does.  I performed many abortions.  But I was detached from the
patient.  If it was my own kid."

        "I am as pro-choice as they come.  I know it's a fetus until it's
delivered.  But I want it to be a BABY inside of me.  A living BABY, with a
name, and then... ", she made a slashing motion across her throat.

        "I want to do it."

        "I do too.  When?"

        Russell thought for a second.

        "I think we need to wait until after you graduate."

        "Awww."

        "I don't want you to miss classes.  Think of it as your graduation
gift."

        "December?"

        "Depends on when you get pregnant.  Could be January."

        "New Year's Eve?"

        "We'll see."

        "I'm sorry hon, if this is as dark as your soul gets I'm really
disappointed in you."

        "There's more.  A lot more."

        "Shock me."

        "First, I need to ask you something."

        "Okay."

        "Do you think you associate your vagina with death?  Or your uterus
with death?"

        Elizabeth rolled her eyes up, bobbed her head, and answered, "Yeah,
I think I do.  I never really thought about it that way.  I guess so.  Why?"

        Russell gripped the back of the sofa.

        "I have long associated vaginas with death.  But I have never been
able to quite describe it or explain it.  I'm not afraid of women or sex or
anything like that.  When you were talking about your rape fantasies and
death wishes I couldn't believe it.  I never thought a woman would think of
her own body in that way."

        Elizabeth was smiling.

        "So, we're kind of alike?"

        "I think we are."

        "There's another reason I've wanted an abortion.  I have wanted to
be on the receiving end of one.  But that's not possible.  I designed an
adult-sized womb, something I could curl up in and have someone come in and
abort me.  I mean literally kill me."

        "You designed this?"

        "Well, I drew it.  Oh god, if you were to see some of my notebooks
and stories and drawings.  You'd really think I was mad."

        "I'd love to see them."

        "But since I can't be aborted I can have an abortion."

        "But it's not quite the same."

        "No.  I wrote a story of a woman, a doctor, who goes back in time,
convinces her mother to abort, and this woman aborts herself.  As she does
it she has memories of the pain and fear of the procedure."

        "But what happened when the abortion was complete.  Did the doctor
disappear?"

        "Yeah.  The story sucked."

        "Interesting."

        "I told you I wish I had never been conceived."

        "Well, you said you would have cut your dad's dick off."

        "Same thing.  Truthfully I would rather have been aborted.  A late
term abortion."

        "If I could go back inside my mother's womb I would kick and punch
the bitch from the inside, killing her.  And then wait for her oxygen
starved dead body to kill mine."

        "Kinky."

        "Well, it's not as kinky as what I'm about to tell you."

        "What is it?"

        "I could go to prison for what I did."
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