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Message-ID: <60953asstr$1295921402@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
From: Yotna El'toub <yotna_eltoub@hotmail.com>
Importance: Normal
Subject: {ASSM} {REVIEW} Review WB_012 Weapon Ready by Tabico MC, FF, SF
Lines: 239
Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2011 21:10:02 -0500
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_____________________________________________________________________
             
            Review WB_012 - Weapon Ready by Tabico  
                          MC,FF,SF  
_____________________________________________________________________
    
    Reviews are archived at the following sites:

    ASSM, ASSD, ASSTR and the 'Writer's Block' Forum at
    http://yotnasden.co.uk/Forum/. They are written to encourage
    amateur authors - who give so freely their time and efforts to the
    community.

    Note: Stories written and archived on WB will not have reviews
    posted to other sites, unless they exist there too. It is the
    responsibility of the author to inform me if that is the case
    and they would like me to publish the review.

    Please note, I am happy to remove any review at the request of the
    author. Currently I presume that stories are review-able if they
    do not state in text or use a code that says otherwise.

    If you would like me to review your story, please feel free to
    ask me. I cannot however guarantee that I will due to time
    restraints on my part.

    E-mail: Yotna@sky.com
______________________________________________________________________


    Storyline
    
    Captives of an alien race embark on a desperate plan.

    Find the original story at:
    http://www.mcstories.com/WeaponReady/index.html
    
    
    Merits

    What was worthy of comment?

    Mind control stories at their most limited can be predictable and
    formulaic. This simply is not the case here (or in fact with any
    of Tabico's library). Here we are taken on a romp (reminds me of 
    an enclosed version of Starship Troopers) through a hive of an
    alien origin. The ideas and images created are not unique, but the
    are perfectly crafted. The interplay within a team is well done 
    and there are some nice 'switches' in the story.

    
    Demerits

    What detracted from the story?

    Very little, it is a long story and will probably be read in
    several sittings, some will not take to this; I do (as I write
    and read complex stories). When in MC world one sometimes needs
    a way to signify who is a thrall and who is human. Tabico has 
    gone for hyphenating 'motive' on to the end of the name. When 
    this is added to names that are already unfamiliar like Dessa 
    and liquang it makes for mind-numbing labels.

    
    Extract
    'Dessa-motive kept her focus on liquang-motive--and her smoothly 
    pumping ass--but she could not help but glance around herself 
    at the dozens of other women moving forward and backward along 
    the corridor.'
    / Extract

    
    Atmosphere

    How well evolved was the environment - Marks out of 20
    <20>

    This is the delight of Tabico's work the environments are rich,
    almost to the point of saturation and I for one love it (as seen
    in the score)

    Extract
    'The air in this chamber was more humid; dessa-motive could almost
    feel the condensation in her nose. The room was warm and the 
    moisture on the walls trickled in rivulets to the floor. The 
    ceiling sloped down ahead of them, where the room became dark and
    shadowy.

    Dessa-motive could sense other minds, now, other motives. Ahead 
    in the darkness the room was lit by a glow rising from the floor; 
    as they approached, she realized it was actually above the floor, 
    a glow coming from behind a waist-level wall, and as they drew 
    closer still she could see that it was a glowing pool of
    translucent white liquid. A large pool, stretching ten meters back
    from the edge they were approaching, and reaching in long curves
    off to either side.

    There were shapes at the pool's edge, shapes which were hard to
    make out; then dessa-motive realized that they were sheaths. Empty
    sheaths, their leg-parts standing on the ground but their bodies
    standing open like glass-petaled flowers.

    Liquang-motive stopped, and her body shivered. Then her sheath
    began to peel away, long sticky strands of adhesive clinging to 
    her honey-colored flesh.'
    /Extract.

    IMHO that is how it should be done.

    
    Eroticism

    Just how erotic a read is this (erotic, not sexy!) - Marks out
    of 20
    <15>

    The whole environment is deliberately feminised and eroticised
    we slip through floors, are sucked through pulsating tubes and
    liberally daubed with goo. This adds a sexual theme to the piece
    even when overt sex is absent. The over sex is naturally out of
    our actors control, but quite delicious.

    Extract
    '"I'm sorry, Candaes, but it's... ooh... it's stroking me..."
    Anni bit her lip and closed her eyes, and one hand rose to 
    clutch at a pendulous breast. She moaned.

    "They... do this... have done it several times." Anni's eyes 
    were glazing over. "While we were... marching. It's so... good.
    Can't... think..." Her eyes closed and she groaned, plucking at
    the grey goo coating her nipples. Her other hand slipped between
    her legs.

    Candaes stared at Anni, then at Wei-Li. The golden-skinned woman
    was still panting, her hips twitching upward in short, erratic 
    jerks, her eyes closed and her hands kneading her own more normal
    -sized breasts.

    Candaes suddenly felt voyeuristic. Watching these two women... 
    Wei-Li suddenly gasped and moaned deeply, obviously having an 
    orgasm. Candaes looked away.

    She realized that she was horny. It was inexplicably, 
    compellingly erotic; trapped here in an alien storeroom, her only
    conscious companions controlled by alien slime that was 
    masturbating them... Candaes restrained her own hand from 
    drifting downward.'
    /Extract

    To use the vernacular - 'luvely-jubbly!'

    Workflow

    How well did the story progress and develop - Marks out of 20
    <16>

    To me another strong point of Tabico's work. There is never any
    doubt that you are on a journey, and one that is rich with plot
    and sub-plot. People disappear and reappear, mostly this works 
    well, although due to the strangeness of the names it can take 
    you a while to recognise people and remember who was whom.
    
    
    Mechanics

    The boring bit, grammar, typo's etc. - Marks out of 20
    <14>

    Few typo's that I could find (or notice). The mark downs here are
    mainly stylistic. I'm not a fan of non-standard punctuation and 
    the habit of using long hyphens irritates me in particular as
    there is a lack of spaces around the puctuation.

    Extract   
    'Candaes still felt disturbingly aroused. She wanted to kiss
    Anni, to lie with her and to touch her soft body all over. To 
    have Anni's head between her legs, something Candaes had never
    done with another woman. But now she wanted it badly, wanted sex 
    with a woman more than she wanted almost anything else--and she 
    would have killed a birthday party to get a cold beer.'
    / Extract

    Well 'else-and' does not work at all for me - it looks like an
    error and stops me reading. So much for the suspension of 
    disbelief... For some reason the name liquang is always written
    with a lower case L. I thought this related to being a 'motive',
    but that seems not to be the case; again its odd and it 
    effectively make one stutter in reading. I would add that comment
    to the whole hyphenation and odd names scenario. I know we are
    in an alien environment, but really off-the-wall names just makes
    reading hard. I want my erotica to make other things in that 
    state...

    
    Impression

    What did I feel having read the story, did I want to read
    more? Marks out of 20
    <20>

    I love the inventiveness, the subject area and the panache the
    stories are crafted with. I have read quite a few of Tabico's
    library on EMCSA and I recommend a peruse.

    http://www.mcstories.com/Authors/Tabico.html
    
    
    Total score <85>

    Yotties out of 100.

    Readability guide 00-19 must try harder.
    20-39 needs development
    40-59 readable
    60-79 good read
    80-99 should read
    100 reserved for my stories :-)
_____________________________________________________________________

    [Note as I am selective in my reviews most will score above
    average]

    Read the collected WB reviews at
    http://yotnasden.co.uk/Forum/index.php
_____________________________________________________________________

 		 	   		  
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