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Message-ID: <57731asstr$1213272602@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
NNTP-Posting-Date: Wed, 11 Jun 2008 23:34:14 -0500
From: stasyatk9@notjuno.com
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Subject: {ASSM} - A Tale of Two Friends (rom, self discovery, caution, FMF)
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Date: Thu, 12 Jun 2008 08:10:02 -0400
Path: assm.asstr-mirror.org!not-for-mail
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Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories
Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d

(rom, self discovery, caution, FMF)

A few notes about the characters:

Nathan may appear, to some, to be insensitive.  He's not.  However, because,
of the three, he's the most comfortable with himself, the most self aware, he
changes the least in the course of the story.  His sensitivity is taken for
granted by both of the women, and seldom overtly talked about.   If you watch
closely enough, you'll easily discover that sensitivity in the things he does
casually, without ever drawing attention to himself.

Cathy, for a brief, dazzling moment, enters the story, becomes central to it,
then quietly steps away, leaving everyone stunned but more alive, more aware
than they ever thought they would be.  She's the catalyst, able to initiate a
miracle, but then, her job finished, she's able to step back and quietly
share the joy, becoming part of it and content with her place.

Don't feel sorry for Christine, or that she has, or will, lose everything at
the end.  She had to give everything up, but she knows she got it all back,
and more, all in the space of a few, intense, painful--and confusing-- hours.

She 'lost' the most, and we would be insensitive indeed if we didn't feel
that loss along with her, as it happened.  But we should also share her quiet
joy as, much wiser about herself, she realizes everything she ever prized has
been returned, along with the things she never dared to reach for on her own.

But then, inner growth can be like that, if we insist on clinging to the
comfortable world we know.  She chose not to, paid the price, then claimed
the prize she had held all along.

Christine insists she wouldn't have, and could never have, the strength to
have survived what Cathy and Nathan have lived through all their lives.

I think, by the end of the story, you'll realize how strong she really is,
even though she still insists she's weak.
---

To you, the reader who moves past this point:  "When you read this, let it
touch you. Feel what you will, don't ask yourself if you are feeling what I
want you to feel, just let it flow and take you on your own private
adventure.  If you must analyze things, don't try to figure out what *I* was
trying to say. Ask yourself what made you feel what you did."

Because, you see, this story isn't about trying to make you feel any certain
way, at a specific time.

It's about self discovery--and what can happen if we remain open to
possibilities, then face our fears to grasp those possibilities firmly when
they suddenly appear before us.

"And who can adequately describe what happens then, eh?

"Most certainly...

"We cannot."
-------

Christine, Cathy and Nathan,
February 8, 2008
---

A Tale of Two Friends
by: Christine
----

Someone I know asked me to write this one for him. I know what story he wants
me to tell but I can't promise that the story I tell will be the one he wants
told. He understands and accepts that.

Christine,
Late October, 2000
-----

A followup note: It's been five years since I started this tale. Events
happened, the window of opportunity closed. However, the things that were to
be said then--still need to be said.

Christine,
September 18, 2005
-----

Yet another note:  It's late January, 2008.  Things have changed, again.
Anyone who knows us knows how things worked out.  We found our balance, the
accommodations that let us settle in and live together.  

It's been almost eight years since he asked me to write this.  It will always
be an unfinished work but at least, now, we can share our beginnings.
-----

Where, and how, do I begin?

So many beginnings.

Reluctantly but firmly, I begin to type.
---

It started with a phone call.

"Chris?" I recognize the voice.  It's Nathan's.  "I have a problem."

He continues with a rush. "There's a story that's begging to be told. Only
problem is, I *can't* do it. Wouldn't be right. Would you try? Please?"

He knows how private I am. He knows I've done some writing. I've done nothing
that comes close to what he has written. I've known him for many years. To
hear 'I can't do it' from a person I *know* often writes because he enjoys
the challenge of tackling something new... "Care to tell me about this
story?"

There's a deep and very long silence. "You know which story. You've heard me
tell it often enough. With this ASSM thing I figured it might be time to post
it for others to read."

"Oh. *That* story." I hesitate a long time while I think about what he's
asking for. "Are you sure?" I think I know what his answer will be but I want
to know for certain.

"Yeah. That one." I hear him sigh deeply. I can hear his pain. "Hell, you
know I'm not sure about this. There's only one other person who can tell it
from the beginning--and that person is *you*."

Even though he can't see me, I nod. The nod is a reluctant agreement that he
has it right. "I'll see what I can do with it."

* * *

That's one beginning.

Here's another, earlier beginning.
---

Nathan is instrumental in getting me to go online in the first place. I
learn. I grow in ways I wasn't expecting. I mature even more. I do my best to
avoid entanglements and I mostly succeed. Any attachments that I see starting
to form, I do my best to gently disengage from. I'm not looking for
commitment, only friendship. It's all in passing. Mostly.

One day we talk about who we are to each other. Feelings are deep on both
sides. We're both able to see something in the other. Honesty compels us to
admit something is missing. We agree to wait and see what happens. Maybe.
Someday. To be brutally honest about it, neither one of us foresaw the
eventual balance we would stumble into. What we have, works. It works for us.
It works right now. It helps that both of us are able to think in terms of
years, patiently waiting for things to fall into place.

Sometimes, during the following years, we talk to each other.

Changes. I become the one person he can confide in without fearing that his
confidences will destroy the relationship.

Neither one of us *really* needs the other. But, in a real sense, we do need
each other. Accept. That's all we do now. Most often, he reaches out for me.
I seldom reach for him but I know that on those rare occasions when I do,
he'll be there.

* * *

So, when I hear him ask, when I hear the now rare sound of pain and
hesitation in his calm words, I do the only thing I can do. I agree to
consider doing this. We both know I will eventually try. Honesty with each
other is what forces me to add the caveat. It's not fair to either of us to
leave honesty unspoken between us.
---

That's my and Nathan's beginning.
---

I squirm. I ramble. I sit here and *know* that I am ducking things.

I truly do know the story he wants told. In some ways, I've helped him with
it already. Much of it, he has already told in bits and pieces. It's his
story. My story. Our story. Their story. It's a story about everybody and
it's a story about nobody.

I can't help my sad smile as I accept something else. He's right about one
other thing. If there was ever a time that is going to be 'right' for the
telling of this story, this is it. We dare not wait for a better one.

That acceptance brings with it the tattered end of a thread that, if I dare
to pull on it, will begin to unravel this tapestry of life.

Much of what follows will be based on truth. His truth, my truth, the truth
of others. There will also be plenty of fiction to smooth the flow.
Hopefully, when I am done, the result will be close to what I desire.
-----

Here's *one* of Nathan's beginnings...

-----

He settles in the chair across from mine. I wait in silence while he reaches
for the pitcher of tea and fills his glass. I am filled with shock when I
realize that his movements are studied and harshly controlled. His hands are
shaking as he carefully, oh so carefully, tears the packet of sweetener and
pours it into the glass. Without looking at me, he carefully inserts the torn
end into the other part of the packet. He holds it up and looks at it before
he places it on the table.

He spends minutes gently stirring his tea.

I know the signs and he knows I know them. He will speak when he is ready to
speak. Rage. He's containing a rage so profound that he knows he needs time
to carefully dismantle it before he can deal with me. I'm capable of the same
sort of rage and that makes it easier for me to wait for him.

When he finally starts, his voice contains a bitterness he seldom shows to
the rest of the world. It was... A long time before he relaxed to the point
he let me see it in him.

"Damnit. I did it again." He leans back and turns to look at me. I don't
think he sees me yet but I nod slowly. "I'm a fucking writer. Part of that
means I sometimes need to write about things that I and many others find
distasteful."

I nod again. This complaint happens to be a familiar one. I don't feel the
'compulsion' as often as he does, so my understanding of some of his feelings
about writing is not as complete as both of us would like. Still, I have
enough of the affliction to understand how he feels when he gets the urge to
write about something that is well beyond the fringes of his normal work.

"For gods sake, just because I write about something, it doesn't mean I'd go
out and do it." This too is a familiar complaint.

He looks at me and then at his glass of tea. "Sometimes I hate myself for
giving up any sort of drinking."

This causes me to smile lopsidedly. It's another shared 'almost complaint'.
Both of us feel very strongly about personal responsibility. I notice he has
enough awareness of his surroundings to return my smile. Good.

"Yeah. I made the mistake of taking honest pride in being able to write from
a viewpoint that supported the subject. I showed the work to a friend.
Ex-friend, now."

He shakes his head and I see a hint of the tears he's been suppressing.
"Again." His smile turns bitter as he leans forward to set his glass down.

I reach for the pitcher and query him by lifting it slightly in his
direction. He nods and I refill his glass. His movements as he adds sweetener
aren't as studied as they were the first time but I can tell he's still
exerting a lot of control. This time, instead of his spoon, he idly uses his
finger to stir the sweetener into his tea.

I smile as he looks at me and then lasciviously sucks on his finger as he
cleans it. The usual twinkle is starting to return.

The thought of sex seems to trigger something within me. I see something that
makes me wonder how we missed it.

"Everyone knows you fuck your dogs and bitches and that you enjoy writing
about it."

I get a nod and reluctant laugh. "Yeah. Although lately I've been trying to
downplay the fact my fiction is often reality based."

"I know." I've known about his preferences since shortly after the beginning
of our relationship. "Did it ever occur to you that maybe you're working with
the wrong audience?"

"No. I'm a zoo. I write zoo stories for other zoos because we all agree that
most of what's available is, to be gentle about it, pure crap."

"Exactly. The thing is, non-zoos are reading the same crap, as you put it,
and that is the only thing they see. As zoos, you're working against the
mindset that is built by those stories. What about making your work available
to the general public? Post along with all the other porn writers. Instead of
a zoo who is able to write, you become a writer who happens to be a zoo.
You'd be joining those folks who are fundamentally able to accept that there
are things you talk about *as a writer* that you would never do in real
life."

I hesitate before continuing. "I don't think a lot of zoos are able to accept
that a reasonably good writer has to be able to make people 'believe'
whatever they write or they aren't going to get past a certain skill level."
I hesitate again before I trigger the land mine I see in front of me. "How
many zoos do you know, or are aware of, who could handle jumping into the
shark tank and surviving for any length of time? Of those, how many are also
writers able to reach out and make others 'feel' the story?"

Time has taught me that many zoos, because of their lifestyle, are not as
socially skilled for their age as people would expect. Many isolate
themselves almost completely from any sort of social interaction with humans.
Still, there are enough people of all types who are anti-social that this
behavior is unremarkable. I long ago accepted that he was unskilled at many
of the social things that I did automatically. Over time, he has improved.
Certain situations still fluster him but not as often as they used to. He
freely admits his open relationship with me helps conceal his true lifestyle.
At first I resented his using me. Now, after having the chance to see what he
lives with on a daily basis, I don't mind. Actually, our relationship helps
me avoid some common problems. Once I realized that we used each other, it
was easier for me to relax into the relationship as it developed.

I watch as he sips at his tea. I have time to fix us a light snack that we
eat in silence.

After he takes the dishes to the sink, he refills his glass and takes it with
him as he slowly walks over and settles on the couch.

"It scares the hell out of me you know. Right now, I'm with a bunch of people
who think as I do. We value our privacy. A lot." He pauses as one of his
lovers, a male Golden Retriever, settles on the couch next to him. "I'll
think about it."

* * *

And, finally, after years of trying to find a starting point for our story,
here is the beginning that matters to *us*.
-----


"You value your privacy, don't you?" His words startled me and I looked up
from what I was reading on the screen.

"You should know."

Instead of answering me right away he stared at me as if he was searching for
something. Surprisingly, instead of acting as if he found what he was looking
for, he sighed. "I don't know. This could be one of the biggest mistakes I've
ever made.

"Let me have the keyboard for a few minutes." After I moved over, he spoke
without looking at me. "Stick around. I want to show you something."

Wordlessly, I leaned against him so I could see what he was doing.

His movements were jerky but rapid. A program I'd never seen him use before,
appeared. "Most folks never learn about this part of the net. I'm going to
join a type of online chat. It's not the same as all the ones you're used
to." He turned to look at me. I squirmed slightly. I felt like he was judging
me and not bothering to hide the fact he was doing so. "One thing. You have
to promise me that no matter what, you'll treat their privacy with the same
respect you want for yours." His eyes went cold. "No. Matter. What. Happens.
You agree to do nothing to violate their trust. It's important to them, to
me, for reasons I'll explain later."

"Promise." What else could I do? He worked on my computer and never commented
on what he sometimes found as he did so. I knew he had questions. Anybody
would have questions after seeing some of the things I knew he had seen.

"I had to be sure." That was all he said.

I saw a greeting and then, suddenly, people with strange names started
greeting him. It was obvious he was a regular here - wherever 'here' was. I
did notice there were many names that related to animals. Even his.

Eventually the greetings slowed and I watched as he typed in something that
startled me. "Hey folks, I have a close friend with me right now. She doesn't
know but I'm bringing her here so I can tell her with your help."

As unfamiliar as I was with chatting, I could still tell that there was a
long silence as people thought about what he said.

Finally someone typed back a response. "She doesn't know?"

"Nope. She promised and I trust her. Besides, the trust isn't totally one
sided. I work on her computer. <vbg>"

I found my voice. "Tell me what?"

"Some of those stories you have, the animal sex ones. The ones written by,
(he named an author). I wrote them. They are based on personal experience.
Me, most of the folks you see here. We love our animals. We make love to
them. We're real people."

It felt like forever as I tried to understand what he had said. Eventually,
rather than say anything, I pointed at the screen. 'Hey. What's going on
there? Everything ok?'

"Tell them no but it will be as soon as I wake up." I knew my voice was weak
and trembling. It's one thing to read about something. It's something quite
different to have the man you are casually leaning against admit he not only
writes about it, he actually does what he writes about.

He sent the message and got a few chuckles in reply. 'We'll be here for you.
Good luck to both of you. She ready to talk to us yet?'

"No. I don't really need to yet. Tell them about finding your stories. Then
let's get out of here and go get something to eat. I need to think about
this." I was candid with him. "A lot."

He sent the messages and his explanation. After he reassured everyone that
things looked better than they sounded (and what made him so confident,
anyway?), he shut the computer down and waited.

"What makes you think everything is going to be ok?" I felt like he had taken
a lot on himself when he made that obviously relaxed comment and a few of the
people had laughed after he sent it.

"Simple. You tensed when I told you about writing the stories and that I
based them on experience. Then, after a couple of minutes, you relaxed
again." He hesitated briefly. "I'm used to reading body language instead of
listening to words. It's how my lovers and I communicate - all the time."

"You're blunt enough about it aren't you?"

I felt him shrug slightly. "Penny. Pound."

It took me a few moments to figure out that he was telling me that once he
started, he knew he had nothing more to loose by being forthright.

Something bothered me about the situation but whatever it was, it eluded me
at the time and I forgot about it.

For several days we avoided talking about what happened. Unable to contain my
frustration with him for that one tantalizing glimpse and then his abandoning
the subject, I decided to confront him.

"You have sex with your dogs and then you write about it. Is that all you're
going to tell me?"

He came over and turned a chair around so he could settle and lean on the
back of it. "You didn't ask. I had to wait."

"What? All I had to do was ask and you'd answer?"

"Yep."

His one word answer irritated me and I didn't try to hide the irritation.
"You started it and then deliberately left me hanging. Why?"

"Oh, come on. Think about it for a minute. Do you really think I'm the only
person who has told someone he screws his dogs? What makes you think you're
the first person *I've* ever told? There's a right way and a wrong way to
tell someone. Most of the time telling a person and then continuing to babble
about it is the wrong way. Too many of us have paid for that mistake.
Collective experience tells us we have to wait until the other person is
really ready to listen to what we have to say." It seemed like his smile had
some bitterness to it but I didn't know him well enough to be certain. "Only
way to be certain, is to wait." Now I could definitely tell he was bitter
about something. "No matter how long it takes. If ever.

"There's another reason. A reason some of us never tell a person we feel
really close to."

I couldn't understand that. If you care for someone a lot, you share with
them. That's what being close is all about. "You *don't* tell them because
you really care for them?"

"That's right." He got up, went to get a glass of water and then resettled.

"Look, think about it. I've told you I fuck animals. How did you react? How
do most people feel about it? Considering those reactions, who are *you*
going to talk to about knowing and caring for someone who finds his
completion with dogs instead of people?"

He looked at me and I squirmed under that gaze. "Ask yourself if I really did
you a favor by telling you. I'm used to living with such a secret. It's been
a normal part of my life so long I seldom worry about accidentally giving
myself away. Can you say the same? What are you going to do when someone
starts calling for people to kill off all those perverts because 'They'll
turn to our kids next. Everybody *knows* that much.' "

"Can you tell a lie or keep your mouth shut and not jump in and defend those
perverts? Can you laugh convincingly while you know part of the truth?"

"I do it. You read about it. Have you told anyone you read about people
screwing animals? That you deliberately look for those stories? I'm sure
you've thought about how most folks would react to you reading about it. How
would they react if you told them you did it or had a relationship with
someone who *does* do it?"

That last comment caused me to gasp. "I never told you that. We've never
talked about it."

"I'm not stupid. When you have some time take a look at the dates on the
files. Then take a look at how the animal stories are usually the earliest in
any group of files. The rest is obvious. Once I noticed the stories, I
started looking to see what kind you read and how much interest you had. When
you never talked about what you knew I'd seen, I never mentioned it. Wasn't
for me to ask because it's none of my business." He hesitated and looked
away. "None of my business unless we're going to be close to each other.
Then, yes, I'll admit to being curious about your interest. Anyone would be."

Something finally clicked. "So that was why you told me. You already had a
pretty good idea I was already comfortable with the idea."

His smile was slight as he raised his glass in a silent toast.

I considered his other comments. "No, I've never told anyone. You're the only
person who gets to use my computer other than myself."

"Why?" I silently cursed myself after I asked. I know better. I tried to
cover myself. "You had to start with the dogs for a reason." Were those tears
that were starting to form?

"I wish I knew for sure. I have guesses. We all have guesses. No studies,
nothing serious to turn to so we can at least read it and say 'Yes, I can see
myself...' " He trailed off into an awkward silence. "I think I know some of
my reasons. When I add them all up and look at my life before the dogs... I'm
not willing to point at them and say 'this is what made me switch'. " He
shook his head at something.

I could see it bothered him. "What is it?"

"Nothing much. Just wishing I was in my teens again and had all the
confidence I had then. If I was, I'd tell you I know exactly why I started
and then kept on."

"I started with a dog. Both of us were horny. It felt good, I kept doing it
and I've kept doing it ever since. Eventually, and I can't pinpoint when it
happened, I must have realized it not only satisfied my sexual urges, it
satisfied me emotionally in a way no woman ever has. I seldom feel the need
to seek out a woman as anything more than a person to visit with."

He paused for a long time. When he finally spoke, it was very softly. "When
you get down to it, there's very little a woman can do for me that the dogs
can't." He held up his hand, looked at it, and then held it out between us.
"Except for this. I find that for all I have with the dogs and bitches, I'm
still human. I still crave my lover's gentle touch."

There was a naked longing in his eyes. "I want even more. I want that touch
to be that of a woman who accepts that no matter what we share, I'll always
need what I get from my dogs. So far, I've never met that woman."

His implication was clear. We'd already had sex together a few times. I had
to admit the sex itself hadn't been anything special. Rather poor in some
ways. Now I knew why. He wasn't as experienced as I had naturally assumed he
would be.

At the same time, I had to admit his touch had often spoken of lots of
experience. Somehow he could manage to find those places on my body that
would make me shiver with pleasure. He hadn't offered me a massage but I had
strongly hinted I wanted him to give me one someday.

Could I be the woman he is looking for? Did I want to be?

"That massage. Now."

He was puzzled. "Massage?"

I looked away and then back. "Explore. Talk to my body." I took a deep
breath. "Tell me how much you love me. With your hands."

I got a one word answer along with his slight smile. "Ah."

After we settled on the bed and he started massaging me, he startled me.

"I'm going to change the rules on you."

At first I didn't pay much attention. I was busy relaxing. When I did realize
what he'd said I shifted to one side so I could see him. "What rules?"

"A woman and a man are talking about sex. She asks him to massage her and
'tell' her how much he loves her."

He reached, gently cupped me - and I flinched at his directness.

"They both know she was talking about him seeing if he could get her aroused
enough so she could let go and have sex with him." He let go and shook his
head. "I'm not going to give you that excuse. I don't care if you orgasm. No
matter how much you want me to, *if* you want me to, I'm not going to follow
up on things and make love with you. If I do, you'll never be able to trust
me to be able to accept 'no'. So, I'm telling you now that sex isn't going to
happen this time. Later, after we've had time to recover, it's up to you. Any
other way and we might as well call it quits sexually."

"That hurt. A lot."

"I know. I could also be wrong. Still want to play the game out?"

Game? I guess it was. I challenged him. He's accepted but changed the terms
of his acceptance. I just wanted to see what his hands said about his
feelings and then decide if I wanted to let myself stay involved. He sees it
differently and something about this is important to him.

"Why is refusing so important to you?"

"It's not." He shook his head. "Never was important to me. Why should it be?
We've made love before."

He was silent for a long time and then he whispered. "I haven't changed
because I admitted what I do. I know that. Oh, certainly I've changed in the
sense of being more open with you. But that doesn't change who I've been all
along."

"Somewhere, deep inside, you don't trust me now that you know. There's only
one way to really find out if you still want to. That's why I am saying 'No,
not this time.' It's important to you that I do so."

I frowned at him. "Slick. You can certainly twist things around." I rolled
back onto my stomach. "Let's get on with it."

* * *

We wound up in the living room and sitting on the floor in front of the
couch. To this day, I've never had a massage like that one. It was different
but I can't tell you how it was different.

"Well?"

I snuggled closer. "What did you do? How did you do it?"

"What I always try to do. Learn what pleases my partner the most."

"And?"

"I don't know how I do it. I just do it. I wasn't sure I could do it with a
human. That's what made me so tentative most of the time."

Tentative? That had been tentative? "You're kidding me."

"No. I knew a little bit from the other times but this was the first chance I
had to really learn what to do to make a woman happy during a massage. I'm
not that cautious with one of the dogs. After all, we've had plenty of time
to figure things out."

I started to say something and then thought better of it. I did make a mental
note to see how things were after we'd been together for awhile. Something
else occurred to me. "Do you think I could learn to do it?"

"Do what?"

"Give massages like you do."

"I can't teach what I don't know."

"I think you can. I know how you affected me. Maybe I can duplicate the
effects on you." I had an odd thought. "What if I invited someone else over
and you massaged them and then I did?"

He didn't answer right away. When he did, he surprised me. "Sure you aren't
being catty?"

"No." I laughed. "Well, maybe a little."

He didn't say anything. He didn't need to.

"Ok, yes I am. I want to show you off. May I?"

He finally chuckled. "Not a problem. Just because I don't play, it doesn't
mean I don't know how to play at all."

"I'll try to keep that in mind."

* * *

It's been one month less than five years since I started writing this. I've
changed. He's changed. We've changed.

The world has changed. Changed into something terrifying--if you had the
dreams we had then.

Still, there have been good things that have happened. The most important one
blind-sided both of us. He stumbled into a friendship that turned into a
relationship that changed into a bonding with a woman who really does fulfill
his lifelong dream. He's accepted for who he is. Sounds so simple, doesn't
it? It wasn't. It isn't.  I'll deal with that later.

* * *

I think it was about a week or two later when I had a chance to talk with
Sarah... No. It wasn't Sarah. She was a couple of years later. Different
circumstances. Let me think... Karen? Kate? Ah! Cathy. She was the first one
I brought to him.  Odd that I can't remember that she was the first.  You'd
think that I'd remember that after everything that's happened since.

Ah, well...  Denial, most likely.  Jealousy, too, especially at first.

We ran into each other at the cafe. Both of us worked and it wasn't unusual
for us to work late. The cafe was about the only decent place to sit and
relax after a long day. Neither one of us enjoyed having to fend off the
teenagers at the fast food places. Tom's was open late, and quiet. One night
we'd met in the line and decided to share a table so we could get off our
feet sooner. That casual meeting quickly turned into a friendship that's
stronger than ever.

I spotted her and hurried over. "You look ragged, dear. Don't get up." I
hugged her and felt her tremble in my arms.

"Oh, Chris..." I felt her shiver again so I settled next to her. She settled
her head onto my shoulder and cried.

While I waited I ordered dinner and wondered what was wrong. "Cathy? Tell
Momma Christine." That got a weepy smile.

She sort of giggled and then collapsed again. "I had to throw Jim out when I
got home. He was fucking another woman. In *our* bed."

I swore under my breath. It started with 'Men!' and got progressively worse.
In the middle of a subaudible curse I broke off. Cathy needed some non-sexual
comforting. Girl talk was nice but what she really needed was a good man to
take her mind off that two-timing, insensitive...

I shut down my inner cursing, again.

I had it. Nathan had agreed to do his massage tricks on another woman while I
watched and tried to learn what he did.

Hmmmm...

"Cathy, honey... What Momma Christine prescribes is a massage. I know just
the man to give it to you."

She protested. "I couldn't. I'm not ready..."

"Hush, dear. I'll be there. He won't try to do more."

"You sure?" She reached into her purse and removed her compact. "I can't be
seen like this! Not by a man!"

That brought me up short and I looked at her thoughtfully. "You mean you
never let Jim see you like that?"

She was busy making repairs. "For heaven's sake, Chris. No. Not after a
crying jag like this one."

I reached and gently turned her head so she couldn't avoid my eyes. "Honey, I
could pity you if I didn't know you as well as I do. If you can't let a man
see you at your worst, he's not worth your efforts. I don't hesitate to let
Nathan see me after a crying jag or any other time." I reached and used my
fingers to pull her lips into a smile. "There. It's settled. Let me call and
let him know we're coming."

When I let go, the smile I'd put on her face wavered, then steadied. She
nodded slowly. "Oh, it's only Nathan. That's different." She frowned. "I
didn't know he does massages. Is he good?"

I laughed at her plaintive tone. "I didn't know how good he is until he gave
me one a couple of weeks ago."

Before she could stop me I got up and went to the pay phone. I'd considered
using my cell phone and then thought better of it. There were some things I
wanted to tell Nathan that I didn't want Cathy hearing.

"Hello. This is Nathan speaking." I smiled. He had caller id and knew the
number of the phone I was calling from.

"Nathan, this is Momma Christine. I'm bringing Cathy over for a massage."

There was a longish silence. I could almost hear him thinking. 'Momma
Christine? What's she getting me into now?' He sighed. "Is this going to
cause problems with Jim?"

He'd caught me by surprise. He freely admitted he wasn't good with names and
faces of people. Then again, we'd known Cathy and Jim for quite awhile. I
forgot about my carefully thought out explanation. I let my anger show when I
replied tartly. "She threw him out. She caught him fucking someone else in
their bed. She's been crying on my shoulder for the last hour. She needs more
than girl talk right now and I thought of you--and that massage you gave me.
If that..."

He'd been trying to say something and finally managed to get past my
seething. "OK. OK. I get the message. I'll get the oil out and be waiting."
He paused and chuckled. "Yes, Momma Christine. Right away, Momma Christine.
I'll help you repair the damage, Momma Christine." He sobered. "I know you
wouldn't ask if it wasn't real serious, love. See you when you get here." He
hung up before I could reply.

I stared at the handset. "Men!" This time it was with a sort of bemused
fondness and exasperation. No questions. Just that irritating awareness of
what was important. I thought some more. He was too damn agreeable. That
meant he was up to something. I hung up the handset, went back to Cathy and
settled opposite her this time.

"He's agreed." She didn't need to know about that exasperating chuckle and
the casual way he'd managed to push my buttons before hanging up.

Cathy had repaired most of the damage and smiled wanly. "Are you sure about
this, Chris? I don't know if I would have been able to let Jim massage
someone else--if he'd been able to do a decent massage. I know what you and
Nathan mean to each other." She blushed. "Don't think I haven't noticed that
satisfied smirk the day after you two see each other."

It was my turn to blush. "Is it that obvious?"

She giggled. "No. But I know a satisfied woman when I see one." She sighed.
"And I haven't been, lately. I hate looking in the mirror in the morning."

I tried not to show the pain I felt. "Come on. Let's pay our bills and go see
Nathan."

* * *

The dogs greeted us when we came through the gate. By the time we got to the
door Cathy was laughing and hugging them. Nathan was standing there, watching
Cathy, and smiling. He nodded in her direction and whispered "They're good
therapy."

Startled, I turned my head and studied the scene. He was right. How come I
hadn't noticed that before?

He stepped back and waved us in. "Welcome to Nathan's 'Feel Good Massage
Parlour'." Soft mood music was playing, the lights were dimmed and he had a
huge grin on his face.

I glared at him with suspicion. "Aren't you overdoing it a bit?"

Before he could say anything Cathy touched my arm. "No, he's not. I think
it's loving and very gentle feeling. I need that right now." She held out her
hand to him. "You did this just for me, didn't you? Thank you."

He smiled. "I've been known to do it for Chris. But this time, yes, it's for
you." He took her hand, kissed the palm gently and lifted his head to smile
at me, then her. I saw the glint of amusement. I didn't know what Cathy saw
when he turned back to face her. "You're welcome." He gestured at the dining
room table. "Please. Make yourselves comfortable."

We settled and sipped our drinks while studying each other. I studied Nathan,
he studied Cathy and she studied him.

Nobody was ready to start the conversation.

Nathan's eyes flicked to me and then back to Cathy. "Momma Chris said
something about a massage."

I wanted to strangle him. Instead I chewed the edge of my glass and glared at
him.

She blushed and nodded.

"Did she tell you I set some conditions when I do a massage?"

Her head jerked and she stared at him. "No..."

He put both hands on the table and studied them. "Good. We can set them
between us without any preconceived expectations. We're friends, right?

What the hell was he up to? He couldn't be considering telling her, could
he?!

She smiled. "Of course we are." She glanced in my direction. "If you can do
half of what you did to Chris..." Her head tilted and she smiled at him.

He laughed. "No promises. I'll try." He reached for one of her hands. "Here's
the deal. I'll do the massage, one friend for another. I'll try to do the
same things for you that I did for Chris." His hand shifted and a finger
lightly touched a breast. "You're a good person. Any massage has sexual
elements to it. However, I'll do my best to not do anything overtly sexual.
I'll do my best to keep it impersonal and not seductive. That said, I can't
control your thoughts. We'll do the massage." He looked at me and I saw that
amusement again. He let me see him sober before he turned back to Cathy.
"When we're done with the massage, if you want more, if you want me to touch
you as a man touches a woman he wants to make love to, seductively,
sexually..."

The amusement was in his whole body now.

"I won't say no."

She turned to me. "Chris?" I could hear her shock. "Is he serious? Are you OK
with this?"

"Men! Yes, he's serious about this." I took a deep breath and glared at him
some more. Then, sighing, I relented. "He took me by surprise, that's all. I
started it. Cathy, honey... I'm ok with it. I asked him to do what he can to
help--as a man." I looked at her. "How about you? You haven't answered him
yet. Still want me there?"

She studied me and I lifted my chin. I wasn't happy about what he'd done but
what I wanted right now wasn't as important as helping her. Still looking at
me she spoke quietly. "Nathan? What if I refused the massage and asked you to
fuck me?"

"I'd refuse." His response was immediate and firm. I let a knowing smile form
on my lips.

She stood up and stripped. She stepped from behind the table and looked at
him. "Now?"

This time what he did didn't surprise me--it shocked me. He stood, stripped
and went over to hug her, pressing their bodies together. Then he pulled away
and bent to kiss one of her nipples. When he straightened he smiled at her.
"The answer is still 'no'. First the massage, then the sex--if that's
something you still want." He grinned. "Chris helps keep me satisfied. I
don't *have* to try and make every woman I meet, even if the woman does her
best to seduce me."

She slumped. "I want to be fucked. I need to forget."

He hugged her. "No, you need to remember, first." He looked at me and smiled,
letting some of his bitterness show. "Cathy, Chris was right about the
massage. She didn't think you needed a good fuck, she thought you needed to
be loved." He tilted her head up and kissed her lips. "Let me try?"

She melted into him without words. He stood there and held her while she
cried. Both of them were naked. He had an erection. The look in his eyes
while he watched me was sad and he shook his head slightly. The bitter pain
I'd seen earlier haunted me for weeks. I asked him about that look in the
morning, after Cathy left for work. "Why so bitter, last night when you held
her?" He'd shaken his head. "Because I love you. I love her. But as far as I
knew then, neither of you was 'the one'. A man does what he can to help--once
he's agreed to help. Forget about my pain. I made the choice, knowing what
the price could have been." I reached... and he turned away. "Leave it alone,
Chris. It happened and it was worth it. The rest? Well, I've had some
practice dealing with it."

I let my hand drop and watched helplessly. I raged at myself. I *knew* he
didn't want me to 'leave it alone'. But, being who I was then, I listened and
left him to deal with his pain--alone. I knew that I too would have said the
same words, made the same plea and known that if he was my true partner, he
would have ignored me and held me, helped me deal with my pain.

We still weren't exactly right for each other and never had it hurt me so
much to know it--even though I knew we *would*, someday, be right for each
other.

But that was later. It was after he performed a miracle.

I think what brought Cathy out of her spell was his hands. They weren't doing
anything that I could see. Nor was his body. The erection? I couldn't tell
what it was doing. Whatever it was he did, it wasn't visible but her head
snapped up and her stance shifted until she supported her own weight. "Now,
Nathan. Chris? You'd better join us. I need you to keep me from being stupid.
Is that the room we'll be using?" She pointed at one of the doors, the only
open one.

He nodded solemnly.

"Good." She held onto his hand and led him towards it. I sighed, smiled,
shook my head... and then I stripped and followed them.

Cathy let go of his hand and fell backwards onto the bed, her legs wide.
Nathan laughed. "Back first." He studied her. "Looks like I won't need any
oil when I do your front. She blushed and turned over. 

I couldn't stop my giggle and she turned her head to glare at me. "Right now,
he's *mine*."

Nathan chuckled. "OK, girls. Enough." He reached for the oil and poured some
in his hand. I watched while he let it warm up. "Ready?"

I could see how tense Cathy was. She eventually sighed. "Go ahead."

He placed his hands on her shoulders and moved them gently, spreading the
oil. When his fingers traveled up either side of her neck she twisted to look
at him. "When are you going to start the massage?"

"I have."

"No, you haven't. I've had professional massages. I know what to expect."

He nodded his head. "I'm self taught. I know when I've started." His hands
kept moving, his fingers barely pressing against her skin. I remembered the
first time he'd massaged me. I'd thought the same way Cathy was thinking.

Remembering that, I decided to speak up. "Cathy, trust me. When he's done,
you'll know you've had a massage."

She sighed with a bit of resignation and kept quiet.

His hands quit moving and he bent to whisper something in her ear. Whatever
it was, her whole body blushed. Then, she laughed.

His hands started moving again. Eventually, the blush faded.

OK. I watched his every move. I even studied their body language. Odd, that.
I'd never spent so much time watching a man and a woman interact. All I could
see was that he moved to some inner promptings of his own and that Cathy, I
think, responded. Or was it the other way? I remembered his comment about
'learning what pleases his partner'.

Was that what he was doing? Was he letting his hands be his eyes? Was Cathy's
body telling him what he should do?

I sighed to myself. Whatever it was that he was doing during this massage, it
was obviously working--and working rapidly.

I was startled when she rolled over so he could massage her front. It was a
natural movement and Nathan was smiling at her so he must have signaled it
somehow. I thought back to my massage and vaguely recalled that it had seemed
so natural to roll when I had.

Was it like our sex? Some gentle, almost imperceptible signal that said
'now'?

Damn him anyway.

I gave up trying to figure out what he was doing. Whatever it was, it was
working.

Lost in my thoughts I was startled when he leaned back and studied her.
"Well?"

She blushed again and then looked at me. "Wow. I thought I knew what
'satisfied by a man' meant."

She sighed. "No, Nathan. Later. Maybe. I don't know." She reached up, pulled
him into a hug and kissed him. "Thank you."

Nathan glanced at me when she finally let go. His eyes said it all, pain,
bitterness, a touch of smugness and pleasure at what he'd done for Cathy.
Then, he let me watch while they changed again and they showed nothing more
than a tender caring before he turned back and hugged Cathy. "You're welcome.
Momma Chris and I will be in the living room."

He reached, took my hand, and we left her there, smiling and obviously
unwilling to do more than savor what had just happened.

* * *

We settled on the couch. Once we were comfortable I sighed and glanced at the
bedroom door.

"I don't know if I should be jealous, proud or frustrated."

He laughed and pulled me even closer. "You sound all three."

"I suppose I am." I kissed him. "What did you whisper?"

"Oh, that. Nothing important."

I pulled back and glared at him. "Yet she blushed and laughed. I couldn't get
her that relaxed after an hour."

He sighed. "Got me. All I did was tell her: 'Chris told me you needed a
massage. She really meant that you needed the afterglow without the sex.'

"I meant no..."

His finger touched my lips. "Help--as a man. Massage. How did *you* feel?"

Before I could answer we were interrupted. "Chris?" Cathy's voice was low.
"Is it private? May I join you and Nathan?"

I looked at Nathan.  "Point.  Set.  Match."

He was still chuckling when I turned to study Cathy.  "We were talking about
you so it's not private.  Go ahead and settle."

And 'settle', she did.  She turned her back to us and sat firmly on Nathan's
lap, then reached down to insert his penis inside her before she leaned back
against his chest and sighed contentedly.

I glared briefly, then lost control and giggled.

She closed her eyes and reached down to slowly run her fingers over Nathan's
penis.  "Chris, if this was mine, I'd never let go."

I laughed.  If there was a slightly bitter tinge to it, that was my problem.
"Can you imagine how I felt?  It wasn't like we had never fucked each other.
I don't want to let go of that but..."  I looked at Nathan and he nodded
slightly.  "There's a hell of a lot between us, but we're not quite right for
each other.  Maybe someday."

Her head jerked in my direction and her eyes opened.  "Not right for each
other?  Nonsense.  You two are...

"Ah.  Conniving woman, Chris.  You used me, didn't you?  Get what you
wanted?"

I blushed.  "Yes, but you needed what Nathan had to offer.  And...  No."

"Nothing to forgive, no offence taken..  I'm not complaining."  She reached
for Nathan's hands and placed them between her thighs.  "Hold me, Nathan.
Love me."

She leaned back and sighed dreamily again.  "Chris, I bet there's only one
reason you aren't right for him.  You listen to his words, not his actions."
Her head shifted until she could see his face.  "Am I right?"

His hands shifted until they were just under her breasts, then he hugged her
tightly.  "Yeah.  We've known about that problem for a long time."

Her hands covered his but when she spoke it was to me.  "Chris...."  She
giggled.  "Sorry,  I can't help it.  I bet you wanted to figure out how he
does it, didn't you?"

"Yes."  How had she managed to regain her confidence so quickly?  She
seemed... To be floating on an emotional high.

She giggled again.  "And it's so obvious that you can't see it."

I couldn't stop my frustrated sigh.  "Obvious to you, maybe.  All I saw was a
massage."

She smiled again but this time she did it with her whole body.  "Oh,
Chris..."  She gasped suddenly, obviously aroused by something Nathan had
done, but I'd seen nothing overt.  "Yes!"

I also noticed that Nathan's attention was focused on her.  There was a note
of demand in his voice when he asked her for an explanation.  "Tell me.  I
need to know if you really do know what I did."

I could tell that she was pressing his hands against her.  Another giggle
escaped.  "You petted me."

My thinking froze.  'Petted?'  How could that be so arousing?

When I came back I realized I was being ignored.  Nathan had his head bent
and he was nuzzling at Cathy's neck.  She was moaning with pleasure. Finally,
between moans, she managed to gasp out "Enough!"

They both laughed and I felt a stab of jealousy run through me.  Obviously,
she'd done something that had Nathan off in another place, and it was a place
he'd never gone to with me.

When he pulled back enough that I could see the joy in his eyes I winced,
then forced a smile.  He nodded.  "Turns out we already know each other.
Cathy..."  He kissed an ear then refocused on me.  "Well, she put it together
during the afterglow.  Me, the dogs, some vague descriptions of the yard and
house...  My writing and the way I was speaking...  even the way I was doing
the massage... and...  She was there when I told you.  We've been having
casual chats for years."

She turned in his arms so she could face me.  "I have a contract I can't
afford to break.  In a few years I'll have to leave the area for at least a
year.  But, we'll have three years together before I go.  I'm not going to
let go of Nathan now that we've found each other."  I saw the pleading in her
eyes.  "Chris.  I'll never be able to replace you and I don't want to drive
you away.  As far as I'm concerned, you'll always have first claim on Nathan.
OK?"

I considered her words, then nodded slowly.  "Are you 'The One'?"

There was an uncomfortable silence while she and Nathan studied each other.
He had on his poker face and I couldn't read a thing.  Cathy was wearing her
emotions on the outside so she was easy to read.  Finally they broke eye
contact.  Cathy sighed.  "Not yet.  Maybe never.  You are.  But...

"He is."

I let my head fall into my hands and I closed my eyes to let the pain wash
through me.  "Damn you for your honesty."

Nathan pulled me against him.  "Chris, my love.  Are you a good juggler?"

I sighed.  "I don't know if I want to be.  The three of us?"

"Five."  His correction was firmly made.

I flinched, then looked towards the yard.  "I...  I just can't."

Nathan freed one of his hands and lightly brushed my cheek.  "Have I ever
asked you to?"

"No."

"That's not going to change."

I shuddered from the sudden release of tension.  "Good.  Thanks."

I managed to lean against him, then touched Cathy to get her attention.  "He
told me because he discovered I enjoyed his stories.  But..."  Damnit, where
did that hot flash come from, and the embarrassment?
"I'veneverseenhimhavesexwiththedogs."

There.  For the first time, I'd admitted that even though I wouldn't do it,
it fascinated me.

Why did I suddenly feel like I was the child who needed comforting,
reassurance? 

And Cathy.  How did she manage to stop looking absurd, sitting on Nathan's
lap with his penis in her and both of his hands slowly seducing her with
movements I was all too familiar with?  Suddenly her whole body glowed
with...

I stumbled in my assessment when I realized what I was seeing in her, for the
first time since I'd known her.  'The kind of calm self assurance I'd always
dreamed of having.'

She gazed at me for a long time, then spoke softly, not really asking, but
telling me what I couldn't bring myself to say.  "And you wonder if what's in
the stories is even close to the reality?  But you couldn't ask Nathan...
Because he's not a woman."

I turned away and whispered, reluctantly.  "Yes.  He's tried to tell me
but..."

Cathy touched me lightly.  "We're not so different, men and women.  We have
the same emotions."

I shivered, not really wanting to accept her calm assertion.  "Physically."
It was a mumbled whisper.  Why?  Nathan and I had freely discussed this so
many times all the jagged emotional hesitations had been removed years ago.

I thought of something else and inwardly cursed my treacherous mind.  "How
much has he told you about us, about *me*?"

"Nothing.  All I've ever heard about you, has been from you.  But you know
all about me.  Physically.  Even emotionally."

She paused when I jerked around to face her.  She nodded, without
embarrassment.  "She cried when his penis popped out of her, to let his spunk
explode from between her cuntlips.  Satiated, exhausted, her ass high in the
air, she barely kept from falling on her side while he gently cleaned her."

"It really happened that way.  I cried because I wanted more.  I cried
because I was selfish.  I wanted his weight on me.  It was the most selfish
sex I've ever had.  Both of us.  Raw, animalistic, totally selfish, fucking
for our own pleasure, not caring about who we were with.  We used each
other."

She smiled, then stroked Nathan's face.  "Nathan wrote the words, but
everything else was mine, including the loss of my virginity.  You're the
first to know that story isn't fiction."

She reached to touch me lightly, with the same hand she'd stroked Nathan's
face.  "It only lasted a couple of years, more than ten years ago...  But
I've never forgotten and I've never seen myself as anything other than a
zoosexual even though I enjoy men."

I looked at her, not bothering to hide my shock at her words.  "You.  My best
friend, Cathy, the woman who couldn't possibly be anything other than
hetero...  How many of his female characters are based on you?"

She giggled.  "One."

"One?!"

She nodded.  "One.  The rest are mostly based on his feelings, with enough
help from several other women to make sure he's done 'well enough' as a man
trying to write like a woman."

She sobered a little.  "Chris, I *am* het.  As het as you are.  I just do it
with two species, that's all.  I'm not like Nathan, who's bisexual with dogs
and het with humans.  I think he's slightly nuts to be bi with dogs but never
want a gay experience with a man, but it's not like I have much room to
complain about how illogical that is.  So, don't worry about me ever wanting
to have a lesbian experience with you.  I'm not interested."

"Hmmp.  I suppose that's meant to be reassuring, and it is.  I think."

I wormed an arm behind Nathan's back and the three of us adjusted our
positions until we were comfortable.  Three of us.  In spite of the doubts I
thought I'd had, it was obvious I'd already made my decision.  I guess it's
easier to dream of being a juggler if you have experienced jugglers to help
while you're learning.

"I made a mistake when Nathan told me.  I'm not going to repeat that mistake
with you."  I turned and kissed his cheek tenderly.  *He* knows what it was
and I imagine you have a pretty good idea about what it must have been. So...

"I don't know who you are online, but I imagine you've been one of the women
he talked to while I was cuddled with him.  Which one?"

I thought of something else.  "To use your own terms, 'OK.  You've just outed
yourself to us.  Now tell us all the rest of the details about your life and
lifestyle.' " 

I ignored Nathan's sudden snort of amusement.  "You don't have to wait for me
to ask for more details so you know I'm ready to listen.  And Nathan...  I'd
be interested in hearing if there are any secrets you haven't shared with him
yet, as unlikely as I think that is."

She blushed, but she also giggled.  That reminded me...  "A few hours ago you
were so wrapped up in your misery and down even I couldn't get you to cheer
up.  Now...  Well, now you're so euphoric it scares me."

"It scares me, too."  

I wasn't sure if I believed her but I nodded encouragement.

"You and Nathan are the first people I've outed to in person."  She thought
about it for awhile, then...  "Picture how you felt the first time you
admitted to someone that you read the stories.  Add in... "  She paused to
hug Nathan.  "How you felt after his massage.  Then..."

She looked at me directly, and there was no sign of embarrassment, "Intensify
all that.  A lot.  We call it 'delurk euphoria'.  What it really is, of
course, is the reaction to finally getting rid of the stress of having to
'not be ourself', in person, for the first time in our life."

"Umm."  I nibbled my lip while I thought about it.  "Like the way I feel
about finally being able to admit to a woman that I'm fascinated with it and
want to know more than what I read but I'm not interested in actually doing
it."

She smiled.  "Yeah.  Close enough."

I was still thinking about it and realizing I finally had a more complete
understanding of how Nathan had felt when he outed himself to me.  There was
something else, too.  "Damn addicting."

They both laughed and almost at the same time chorused: "Yes!"

At least now I could face Cathy.  "So how'd it happen?  What's it like?"  I
hugged Nathan.  "I think I asked him the same questions a few days after he
dropped it all on me.  I'm still here."

She smiled...  "So you are.  And so am I.  Now."

She nestled into Nathan and this time I didn't feel jealous, I only felt a
great sense of relief that he'd had his most cherished dream fulfilled.  It
wasn't in the way either of us had expected, but it had happened.

I didn't look too closely at the fact a dream I'd never really believed
in--that someday I'd be 'The One'--had become reality.  Best to just accept
that it had.

Once she was comfortable again, Cathy picked up her story.  "There *is* a
deep secret I've kept hidden for all these years.  I was there, but Nathan
has never known I was the one who told him enough details about her life so
he could write that story.  We did that in email and I never told anyone
else."

I felt Nathan stiffen.  "You can't be her."  It was a plea that his 'guess',
whoever it was he was thinking of, was wrong.

Cathy started giggling and couldn't seem to stop herself.  Eventually she
hiccoughed a couple of times and managed to sober enough so she could kiss
him.  "Yep.  Pixie Puppy."

It was my turn to gape in disbelief.  "No way.  Impossible.  That *girl*
is..."  I searched for the right words and gave up.  "She's..."

Cathy grinned at me.  "Inept.  Casual.  Horny.  Free and easy...  Not a
thought in her head except sex and how she's going to get laid next..."

She laughed...  "You gotta admit that sitting on Nathan's lap and casually
stuffing his penis in would be 'in character'."

I snorted.  "Except that Pixie would have been flagging him shamelessly.
Remember, I've seen her in action for years."

She grinned.  "I did that at the dinner table, before the massage.  Oh, I was
serious, but hey, you two obviously cared, and I really did think I needed
the sex to get the bad taste out of my system."  She suddenly sobered and for
a few seconds I thought she'd dropped to the bottom again.  "Pixie's been my
escape all along.  She's more real than Cathy is because she's *me*, damnit!
She's the happy girl who discovered that sex can be so many things more than
an orgasm and she's been forced to keep that secret to herself ever since she
was twelve!"

I winced at the venom in her tones.  Nathan, bless him, did the right thing
when he nuzzled her throat.  "Hi.  Pixie.  Nice to meet you at last.  Welcome
home, bitch."

"Home?  Really?"  It was a little girl voice that made me start weeping with
sympathy.

Nathan pulled back to look at her.  "Definitely.  Home.  Always.  You know
me.  You know I won't lie about that.  Not to Pixie."

She looked at me.  "Momma Chris?"

I sighed.  "I want you to know I didn't expect this.  A few hours ago I just
wanted to help a friend who needed it, and maybe find out how Nathan managed
to do such *effective* massages.   Instead...  I learned a lot more about
myself and Nathan than I was really ready for.  I've changed a lot, too."  I
managed to lean forward so I could kiss her cheek. 

"Welcome home, Pixie."

* * *

I felt hands on my shoulders and heard a giggle next to my ear.  "About time
you finished it, Chris."

I leaned back and stretched.  "Yep.  Only a few more things to say, really."

"Oh?  Looks complete to me."

"No, it isn't.  There's more yet.  A lot more--but the rest of it all started
then, when 'Pixie' decided she really did have a home at last."

I reached up and touched her hands with mine.  "Do you want me to tell them
about you telling us...  About you and Spike?"

"Hug me, Chris."

I stood and wrapped her in a fierce hug.  Once again I couldn't understand
why such happy memories made Cathy shiver so much and weep with such pain.

I heard a door open and close, then a few seconds later I felt Nathan's arms
around both of us.  "What is it?"

I answered for both of us.  "I asked if I should write about her and Spike,
what she told us the night she learned who you were."

His arms tightened before he let go and moved to stand behind her,  This time
his arms were around her alone.  "It's ok, love.  I know you'll always love
Spike and the dogs more than you do me.  It doesn't matter.  You are who you
are."

She turned in his arms.  "Really?"

He kissed her, then pulled away slightly and chuckled.   "Who better to
understand, since part of *my* balance is the same as yours?  'Dogs and
Bitches', you know."

She touched his face carefully, then nodded.

"Tell the story, Chris."

* * *

Of course things got weepy.  Cathy and I did 'female stuff', as Nathan calls
it, while the three of us sat there on the couch in silence, coming to terms
with the things that had happened just because I'd selfishly wanted to learn
how to give a 'Nathan Massage' while helping Cathy adjust to what had
happened between her and Jim.

It was confusing to me.  I'd never felt so content with life and I'd just
agreed to share 'My Man' with my best friend because she'd lost her virginity
to a dog.  It didn't make sense.

Cathy had also forced Nathan and I to realize that I had always been 'The
One', except for the parts of his life I couldn't share, his sexual and
emotional attractions for dogs and bitches.  Instead, in some sort of weird
balancing act, Cathy was 'The One' he'd always dreamed of who could
understand that on a level no normal woman could, simply because she'd had
sex with her dog when she was younger.

And finally, Nathan was now the center of Cathy's life, 'The One', the man
who could appreciate her younger experiences and accept her fully, because he
understood.

Individually, none of us was 'The Perfect One' for any of us, yet, as a trio,
we *were* perfect for each other.

And that left the dogs.  How would they fit into this new life?  Nathan had
long ago agreed to ban them from the bedroom whenever we decided to have sex.
They had never really objected since he'd never hidden the fact that he'd
still have sex with them when I wasn't around.  It was an arrangement I'd
become comfortable with, yet...

I reached that point in my thinking and realized things had to change.  Not
the arrangements for Nathan and I, but the ones we would be working out
because Cathy was now part of our lives.

And...  I felt the heat of my blush...

'Manipulative Momma Chris' wondered if she would have a chance to watch a
woman have sex with a dog, in person.  Or did Cathy even want to have sex
with a dog after all these years?  She hadn't said.  Nor, now that I thought
back, had 'Pixie' ever hinted at her real desires other than to brush off
questions by saying she was 'zoo, but inactive'.

"Cathy?"

"Mmhhmm?"

"You said you're het with two species.  Does that mean?..."  I couldn't come
out and say it all.

"I've been wondering about that.  Pixie's been so horny because she's busy
chasing a memory.  I remember it was good.  Real good.   Now that I can..."
She broke off and looked at Nathan.  "Would Randy be willing, do you think?
Anyway, Chris.  Now that I maybe can, I don't know if I want to, or should."

"Mmm."  I tried to picture what she was thinking.  "I don't think the dogs
will be a problem.  They got banned because I couldn't deal with having them
both always try to join in--and neither one of them seemed to care who they
paid attention to."

"Huh."  She closed her eyes and got sort of dreamy.  "Couldn't deal with it.
I wonder if I'm ready to.  I've always thought I needed it but now...  I
don't know..."

She suddenly pushed at Nathan's hands.  "I already know how you feel, that
fantasy you have of watching.  What about now?  It could happen with Randy
tonight, for real.  Someday I'd like to watch you with Libby.  Let me up,
will you?"

She stood and stretched, arching herself backwards, letting us get a good
look at her pubic area and Nathan's semen as it dripped down her thighs.  She
held the pose and then smiled dreamily.  "What about you, Chris?  You want to
watch?  And how come you've never watched Nathan?  Oh, by the way:  If it's
as good as I remember, I'll have time to tell you the story of how it all
started.  Sorta appropriate to do it while tied, wouldn't you say?  Nathan? I
want you there anyway, preferably helping, feeling it along with me.
Besides..."  She suddenly let herself lean forward so she could kiss him
hungrily.  

"You'll finally be able to write what you know, eh?"

Damnit, I was getting tired of blushing.  "How'd you know what I was
thinking?  I was wondering if you'd let me watch while you described it to
me.  I need to know if the words are the truth and not a fantasy."

She giggled again.  "Same reason I want to see Nathan fuck Libby.  I want to
see 'that look' on his face."

"Umm.  That's why I've never wanted to watch him."

"Chris?  That's silly.  You've sat there, watching me sit on his lap with is
dick jammed up me as he orgasms--and never said a word.  You *encouraged* us.
And you've never wanted to see him make love with his bitch?  Real love, not
this 'mercy fuck' stuff that's all we expected to happen tonight?"

She smiled and resettled in his lap.  "You know...  I'll be there helping if
he lets me.  Don't you see it?  Love, deep, sexual love, doesn't have to be
monogamous  And because it's a bitch...  I don't know...  It makes his love
for me, for you, more real, more meaningful."

"Umm."  My lower lip was taking a real beating.  So were my perceptions.  All
these years, I'd felt that by not seeing his love for his bitch and dog, it
would stay 'not quite real' and I could deal with it.  Jealousy.  I didn't
want to *know* that the love they shared was as deep, as sure, as the love he
and I had for each other.

Shape prejudice?  Me?

Yes.  And lots of fear, too.  I didn't want to risk learning I was 'second
best'.

"Cathy, that doesn't make sense, you know."

"Hmm?  Oh.  That's because you aren't a zoo."

"He's tried to explain it but I feel...  'second best'."

"Chris?  Could you walk away from him and never look back?  Could you give up
the love, the sex, on a maybe, a dream of what might be?"

I looked down at my clenched hands.  "No."

"Nathan does that every time he locks the dogs out, for you.  Are you really
'second best'?  Or are you the best at giving him what he can't get from
anyone else, not even me?  Are the dogs 'second best' because he turns to
them for what you can never give him?"

I blushed.  "No."

She sighed.  "I thought I'd left it all behind.  Jim was everything to me He
let me forget about Spike.  He..."  She turned and started crying on Nathan's
shoulder.  Eventually she calmed and lifted her head to look at me. "I
trusted him with the same trust I'd learned from Spike.

"And he lied to me.  Repeatedly, and I let him until I came home and found
him with her and overheard him telling her how 'cold' I'd always been, that
I'd never given him my deepest love."

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  "Chris...  A zoo doesn't know
how to lie about that.  We can't lie to our animal partner and we learn that
it's a waste of time to try.  It carries over to how we deal with humans."
She leaned back against Nathan and smiled as she wrapped her hands around his
where they were holding her.  "The next time he says he loves you, remember
that.  He can't lie about it.  Not to you, maybe to himself, but that doesn't
last long."

She went off into another reverie before coming back briefly.  "That's what
makes him 'The One' for me.  I don't need to wonder if he's going to be
honest with me.  I know he will be.  And I know he understands when I say he
can never give me all of what I need in a relationship.  No man or woman ever
could.  And I can't give him everything he needs, nor can you or anyone else.
Ever.  But, Chris, if he says you are the best for him, you are.  Don't ever
doubt it."

I sighed and studied them, especially their obvious contentment.  "Brutal
about it, aren't you?"

"Honesty is like that if you aren't used to it."

"So I'm learning."

She bounced up, then offered me her hand.  "Hey, Chris.  Wanna watch Nathan
help me get fucked by a dog?"  
Her grin was infectious and I laughed as I grabbed her hand and let her pull
me off the couch.  "Yes.  And I still want to hear how it all started--and
what it feels like."

"Deal.  Nathan, get Randy in here before I chicken out."

He was laughing as he walked to the door.  "Be the first time Pixie ever
turned down a good fuck."

* * *

Nathan had been looking over my shoulder occasionally as he took care of
things before we went to bed.  I felt his presence, then the gentle touch of
his hands when he braced himself to lean on me while he read what I'd been
typing.

"Seems like it took a lot longer than I remembered."

I giggled.  "It probably did.  You were pretty distracted and busy.  How many
times did you orgasm in her, anyway?"

"Twice, that I can remember."

I touched one of his hands.  "I noticed four distinct orgasms.  I've never
been certain if there were more, but I do remember thinking there was a fifth
one in there somewhere."

He chuckled.  "Huh.  No wonder Libby wouldn't leave me alone.  I must have
reeked of sex.  Might explain Randy's interest in Cathy instead of you, too."

I thought about it.  I guess the scene was more vivid than usual because I'd
been reliving it so I could write about it.  And my memory was of...

"No, when he came in he sniffed me like he always does after you and I have
had sex.  I pushed him away like usual and he accepted that, then went over
to check you out.  Nothing unusual about his reaction, he always checks out
your ass if Libby is in his way, and she definitely was.  She refused to
budge when he tried to lick your penis.  Growled at him, I think.  Then..." I
turned to watch Cathy and Randy.  "She distracted him somehow.  Cathy?  How
did you get Randy's attention away from me and Nathan?  I'd never seen him
leave us alone that quickly, before that night."

She giggled.  "It was easy.  I yipped and whined like a bitch in heat."  She
demonstrated by making a short little questioning bark followed by a crooning
whine.  Randy reacted by licking behind her ears and she moaned, obviously
enjoying his attention.  Wasn't anything else he could do, since they were
already tied, but it was obvious that her vocalizations had excited him.

I looked up at Nathan.  

He shrugged.  "She's the expert, not me.  I've never had to do more than
strip and get on my hands and knees."

"Huh.  Now that I've watched, I know better.  Your crooning whine is as good
as Libby's.  You make a real good 'bitch in heat'."

He blushed.

I left it at that and turned back to the computer.

* * *

It seemed like seconds after Nathan let the dogs in,  Randy was nosing
Cathy's crotch and using his tongue to clean her up.  He was pretty firm
about it, too.  A few swipes of the tongue, then an exploring nudge with his
nose before he'd pause and use his tongue again.  It wasn't until he'd
cleaned up her thighs that he really focused on her crotch.  A few swipes and
Cathy wobbled and would have fallen if Nathan hadn't grabbed her.  

She opened her eyes and whispered "Bedroom.  I can't make it.  Help?"

Her whole body was flushed and she was still shivering.

I was stunned.  Pixie's 'heat' was real.  A few licks and Cathy had obviously
orgasmed.  Hard.  If I recognized the signs, she was still having
mini-orgasms while Nathan steadied her and helped her stagger to the bed,
where she turned and flopped on her back with her legs spread.

Randy, who'd been trying to keep licking her the whole time, jammed his nose
between her legs and went to work with a will.

Cathy just wailed and moaned, obviously lost in a continuous orgasm the likes
of which I'd never seen, or experienced.

I glanced at Nathan.  He was totally focused on Cathy and slowly stroking
himself.  I reached and touched his penis, amazed that he could get another
erection already.

Mesmerized, my eyes on Cathy and Randy, I started to masturbate him but to my
surprise he pushed my hands away.  "No.  I have to see this all the way
through.  We'll never see anything like it ever again."

"Never?"

"Never.  How would you like to go twelve years without *that* sort of sex.
She'll never forgive us if we take time for ourselves.  And..." He finally
glanced at me.  "She won't remember it all.  She gone now, pure, reacting
female.  Trust me.  We need to pay attention and remember this because she
won't.  Not all of it."

"Umm."  

I could see what he meant.  I found myself wondering if she even knew she was
orgasming.  Her legs had spread as far as they would go and she had locked
her arms around them so she could pull them to her chest, raising herself to
give Randy easy access.

Her body was covered with sweat and I could hear a frantic slurping as Randy
tried, and failed, to keep up with the flow of her fluids.

It was the most incredibly erotic experience I'd had and Randy hadn't fucked
her yet.

I felt my loins jerk and it was only then that I realized I'd been
masturbating.  I couldn't help it.  I'd never seen sex that intense.  None of
the videos, none of the stories I'd read, prepared me for the raw, animal
intensity of what Cathy and Randy were doing for each other.

The words I'd always wondered about were a pale, weak imitation of the
reality.  It was *impossible* to put that sort of intensity into any attempt
to describe what it must have been like for Cathy.

And, incredibly, she came out of it long enough to turn herself over and
crawl to the center of the bed with Randy following her all the way, never
stopping his frantic tonguing or his breathy whines.

She raised herself, offering herself to his nose...

And managed a short, breathy, gasping, yippish bark before her head collapsed
on her crossed arms.

Randy lunged upwards to come back down with his chest on her back.  His front
legs wrapped around her and his hindquarters arched, lifting his hind legs
completely off the bed as he curled himself and jammed his penis at her.

I couldn't look away.  I didn't want to look away.

Cathy screamed and then started moaning again.  Her whole body shook and I
started to wonder if she'd been hurt.  Then I realized.  Randy was so
experienced that he'd lunged home and tied immediately.  Less than a few
breaths of time had passed from her yip to his collapse on her back after
he'd swollen and locked them together.

I could see his balls jerking up and down hypnotically, in time with the
twitches of his tail.

Cathy was moaning softly, with little grunts mixed in as Randy shifted his
weight, getting comfortable.

"Gods...  What I wouldn't give to be Cathy right now.  Thirty minutes.
Minimum.  Especially after a tie like that."

Nathan's dreamy voice brought me back from the lust I'd been feeling. Somehow
I managed to see him out of the edge of my vision.  He was rapt.  I'd never
seen that look on his face before.  It was like he was there, sharing every
twitch, every orgasmic spasm they were having.

His hands clenched and unclenched a few times then he reached forward to
touch Randy's haunches.

Something in me wanted to rebel, to stop him before I lost him.

But I didn't.  It was hard to see past my own lust but I knew, with a
finality that I'd never understood before, this part of Nathan was something
I could never hope to have, even if I had sex with a dog.

It had to be the dog.  A human could be a substitute, but that was all.

And it didn't hurt a bit to realize it because something in me had answered
when Randy had lunged and tied with Cathy.  I'd never have sex with a dog,
but now I knew, because I'd felt it, what it was that made Nathan and Cathy
who they were.

When I turned my attention back to the three of them I was surprised to see
that Nathan was still slowly caressing Randy's haunches.

The revelation had taken seconds, not the minutes it had felt like.

I was still mesmerized by the scene, still noting every detail.

Cathy lifted her head slightly when she realized Nathan was on the bed with
her.  "How long has it been?"

"A few minutes."

"Ohmygod."  She moaned again and pushed backwards, and Nathan pushed, holding
Randy.

"Oh!  Ahhhh!!..."

How did she manage to stay aware?  Or was she?  I'd never dreamed a woman
could orgasm so intensely, for so long.  What had Nathan said?  Twelve years?
No wonder she felt Pixie was her escape if this was what she remembered.
Maybe she'd been right when she'd thought she needed the sex to help her
recover.

Cathy tucked her head looked backwards, between her breasts.  She reached
back to touch herself, then moved her hand until it found where Randy's penis
entered her.  Nathan moved his hand to cover hers.

"When he's this excited, thirty minutes, minimum.  He'll stay where he is
until he softens."  He chuckled.  "I should know."

"Mmm.  Nathan?"

"Yeah?"

"Kiss me?  There?  I want to feel you taste us both.  I want to hear you as
you..."

"Yeah.  I can do that.  Easy."

He bent his head and managed to figure out a way to work his mouth and tongue
in close so he could lick and suck on the two of them.  I watched, fascinated
by this side of him that I'd never seen before.  Was it this intense for him,
when he fucked Randy?

He'd described licking Libby and Randy where they were tied when she was in
heat.  I'd seen the rapt look in his eyes when he remembered doing it.

Now, to see that raptness in his whole body...

I should have been jealous, but I wasn't.

I felt only wonder, and a little bit cheated because somehow I knew that
normal humans would never feel what Cathy, Randy, and Nathan were sharing, no
matter how good it was, unless they became zoos themselves.  

And then they wouldn't be normal. 

How could pure, animalistic lust, shared like this, be transformed into a
pure, intensely real--love?

Yes.  Definitely.  I felt cheated and I knew I'd never be able to understand
the answer to my question, because I knew I'd never take the step across that
invisible boundary between human and animal.

I settled on the bed and smiled ruefully when Cathy turned her head to look
at me.  She glowed.

"Well, Chris?"

"Are you back from wherever it was you went?"

She laughed.  "Not completely.  How about you?  How do you feel, now that
you've seen it?"

"It is always that intense?"

"Umm...  I hope not.  No.  It was never that intense with Spike.  If it had
been, I wouldn't have tried to be normal."

"Ah."  We looked at each other for awhile then I nodded slowly.  "I feel
cheated."

"Not jealous?  Not disgusted?  Not left out?"

I sighed.  "Left out, yes.  The other two?  No.  I don't even feel
inadequate, although part of me thinks I should."  I thought about things
some more.  "Maybe envious.  There's a...  purity that flows from the three
of you.  Don't ask me to explain it because I can't."

I blushed.  "Something else I can't explain.  There was a flash, when you and
Randy tied.  It's gone now but I have the memory of understanding what makes
you zoos--because I felt myself respond when he lunged and tied."

I closed my eyes and bowed my head.  "I'm sorry, Cathy.  It was too intense.
Too sudden.  I can't remember more than the fact I understood.  I can't
remember *why* I understood."

I was so wrapped up in trying to remember what I'd felt, I'd forgotten about
Nathan.  "Now you know how we feel, when we try to explain.  We try, but we
always know that no matter how close we get, non-zoos will never really
understand us.  You can think you do..."

I stopped him.  "No.  Don't include me in that 'you'."  I reached to lightly
brush my fingertips over his face.  I was trembling with fear, but I couldn't
hide from what was, to me, at that moment, a horrible truth.  

"Nathan.  I'm..."

I took a deep breath and didn't bother to hide my agitation.

"I'm not normal.  I'm like you.  I could understand--if I let Randy fuck me.

"I can't do that.  Ever.  But I can remember that I understood you, and what
makes you who you are.  Will that be enough?"

He scooted over so he could wrap me a hug.  Cathy worked a hand out so she
could lightly touch  me.

Those simple gestures of comfort made me weep with relief.  I wouldn't be
alone, forced to live isolated, unloved because of what I'd discovered and
revealed about myself.

It was days later when I realized I understood Cathy's euphoria when she'd
figured out Nathan was a zoo.  I'd felt that euphoria--and I'd never forget
the terror I'd felt before they touched me.

Randy picked that moment to shift and slide off of Cathy's back. She gasped,
then, after what must have been another series of small orgasms, refocused on
me.

Matter of factly, she began her story.

"I think that was it for me.  All I want to do now is wait for his knot to
subside.  Oh, I could relax and let him go.  Or he could pull away.  We're
not tied in the way he and a bitch would be.  Vaginally, it's almost
impossible and takes special conditions, conditions that just aren't going to
happen for me.  I'm too well used, too stretched and much too comfortable
with the situation to clench with the hysterical strength it would take to
injure either of us if he decided to suddenly pull out.

"If he did, the pain would be brief and more a case of being startled than
feeling real pain.

"No, Chris.  I'm not 'forcing' Randy to stay tied.  We're like this because
he's comfortahble with the situation.  Call it training if you like. Whatever
the reasons for it though, I appreciate the fact he is willing to wait.  It
lets me savor having him inside me.  I'm unlikely to have any more orgasms
but now I can appreciate the nuances of what's happening."

I reached out a hand, tentatively, and then paused before I actually touched
her.  No.  I pulled it back and just looked at her.  I wasn't ready to touch
another woman.  Not now, not while she was obviously feeling satiated and
enjoying the afterglow.

And she'd said she wasn't interested in women.

I decided that I wasn't ready to have that part of my curiosity satisfied.  I
was eager to hear her words, but I wasn't ready to feel her and know what she
was feeling.  I didn't want to know how it was affecting her physically.

I feared that knowledge because I knew I was capable of feeling what she
felt, reacting the way she reacted.

The fantasies could become my reality.

Facing that truth, I shuddered and pushed it away.  I wasn't strong enough to
survive, if they did.

I settled back, shaking but ready to listen again.  Cathy was looking at me
but she said nothing, for which I was grateful.

"Spike was an accident, but I think what happened was inevitable.  Maybe I
wouldn't have had a dog take my virginity...  No.  He didn't take it.  It was
freely given, even if the giving was an impulsive thing, done from lust and
not reasoning.  I can look back and see that, now."

She and Nathan looked at each other, then he smiled.  "Yeah.  Impulsive and
lust.  It was like that for me, too.  Glad it happened, now.  I wouldn't be
who I am if it hadn't.  You?"

"I'm not sure.  I think I'm glad but..."

He ran his hand along her back and slowly slid it to where she and Randy were
joined, then he stopped.  I was fascinated by the way she arched into his
caress.  It had been so casually done, as if they'd been doing it for years
yet I knew he'd never touched a woman who was tied.  Ever.  

Nathan's words were gentle, a whisper filled with his acceptance of
everything that had happened.  "We've been lucky.  First, on the net.  Now,
in real life.  First Chris, now each other, all three of us...

"And the dogs.  I've been happy for quite a few years, ever since I told
Chris."  He pulled his hand away and looked at it, then stretched out so he
was facing her.  He lifted his head slightly and kissed her.

"Now I'm content to be who I am."

They looked at each for a long time, then she smiled and let the tears flow.
"Content.  I've never felt that before.  Not ever.  Not like this."

She reached over Nathan to touch me again.  "Momma Chris.  You're as
conniving, manipulative and selfish as you are beautiful, kind and caring.
Thank you."

At her first words I winced, then, once I understood what she saying, I
blushed.  To hide my pain, confusion and embarrassment, I just placed my
hands on hers without saying anything.

She went on.  "Spike and I had grown up together, I was almost twelve and he
was about six.  He was my friend, and I guess in some sort of weird
transference, he'd become my little brother.  Except for school, we were
inseparable.  If he wasn't there when I got home, I went looking for him.
That didn't happen often.  He was usually waiting for me by the time I could
see our house, and him.

"He was the first one I hugged when I got home and the last one I said
goodbye to when I left.

"He lived in my room most of the time, and in spite of any wishes to the
contrary, he slept on my bed, not on the rug that was 'his'.  Mom and Dad
gave up early on making us see things their way, that dogs should never be on
the bed.  They'd won on keeping him off the furniture in the rest of the
house, but when it came to my bed they ran into both of us and gave up.  My
bed was, without any hope of changing things, Spike's as much as it was mine.

"He was my plush toy, my friend late at night.  He heard my whispered secrets
and lay next to me calmly while I shuddered, consumed by my childish fears.

"I loved my parents but I needed Spike more.  He was there when I needed him,
always.

"Then I entered puberty.

"I was confused.  I was feeling new things.  Things that scared me.  Mom,
when I told her, just said they'd pass, that I was growing up.  I don't
remember her saying I'd understand them.  Looking back, I wonder if she
understood herself.  I think she feared sex more than she loved Dad.  Dad...
He grew distant, as if he was afraid of me.  It hurt.  I felt like I'd done
something to cause him to hate me but he'd never tell me what it was.

"I quit asking.  Only Spike hadn't changed.  Whatever was happening, I wasn't
driving him away.  I needed that.  We got closer than ever.

"Then, one day he licked my face like he always did and I felt something
different.  It was like a flash of feeling had rippled through me and settled
in my groin.  I traced its path, puzzled and scared, until my fingers reached
my mons.

"Spike was still licking me, but now he was licking my ears and whining
softly.

"It..."  She closed her eyes and shuddered.  Incredibly, just remembering had
caused her to have an orgasm.   She opened her eyes and looked at me calmly.
"It felt incredible, as if every good feeling I'd ever felt were wrapped up
and given back to me, all at once.  I must have cried out because suddenly
Mom was knocking on my door and asking me if everything was OK.

"I pushed Spike away so I could think and told her I was fine.  She went away
and I hugged Spike and went to sleep.  Something had happened.  I didn't know
what it had been, and it left me feeling vaguely uneasy, as if I'd been
cheated out of something good.  It was like I'd been promised a present only
to have it taken away without explanation.

"I'd been a 'bad girl' and I was being punished.

"But nobody ever told me *how* I'd been a bad girl.  I was only being
punished."

She looked at me and I could feel a young girl's confused anguish.  "It
wasn't your fault, Cathy.  How could you know what was happening?"

"I couldn't.  That doesn't change how I felt.  It doesn't change what
happened a few months later, after I'd done enough self exploration to know
that I could make myself feel incredibly good.  It doesn't change the fact
that one of the first things I learned was that Spike's tongue was the best
thing that ever happened to me, when he licked me until I orgasmed and kept
licking me until I had to push him away or I'd scream from overload.

"And it all, somehow, felt subtly wrong.  I was confident my parents had no
clues, no way to know what Spike and I were doing...  But more and more, they
felt distant, as if they were slowly leaving me.  As if they were afraid of
me.

"I was changing, confused.  I knew I was becoming a woman and somehow my
parents hated me for it.  I *knew* they did, because as I changed, as I grew
more aware of what being a woman felt like, both of them left me alone.
First, it was my mother.  Then, eventually, my loving father changed.  He
didn't fear me, he hated me.  I knew it.

"Only Spike still loved me and that love was complete.  He savored my
changes.  We laughed together when I was confused.  If I was hurting, he
comforted me.  With a quick swipe of his tongue he could reassure me that
becoming a woman was *right*.

"So, one day, after a carefully planned trip to a secluded area nearby...

"My love for him and the overwhelming conviction that what was happening was
*right* was so intense that I offered him my virginity--and he took it."

She looked away from me to watch Nathan.  "It may have been 'wrong', but I've
never regretted the decision."

Nathan and Cathy studied other, then ne nodded slowly.  "Yeah.  I can see
that.  For what little it's worth, I don't think it was wrong.  Not for you,
for us.  Samantha didn't take my virginity, but she was the first female I
truly loved.  And I guess that's what really matters, isn't it.  The love?"

They looked at each other and I was amazed at how calm they both were.
Neither one of them questioned what they felt.  Cathy was tied.  I could see
liquids dripping from her and flowing along her thighs.  Every once in awhile
she'd grunt as Randy's random movements distracted her into pleasure.

Nathan was lying there, his penis was erect, but he was ignoring it to watch
Cathy's face.

Cathy finally smiled.  "Yes."

Then she gasped and her eyes rolled up briefly as she fell forward.  Randy
had pulled free.  She rolled to face Nathan again and they hugged each other.

I cried for them both.  I was just beginning to understand what they must
have gone through to become the people they were now and the thought of
living with it all and never being able to tell anyone else terrified me
because I knew I couldn't have done it.

I sighed, then lay next to Nathan and wrapped him in a hug.  I guess I'd
always loved him, in my way.

Now, I treasured him for the miracle he really was.

In some strange way, watching the three of them together had broken down the
last barriers that had kept me from letting myself love him completely; and
stop looking for my 'dream relationship' in favor of accepting a reality that
was far more complete than any fantasy could ever be.

* * *

I leaned back and stretched.  I'd done it.  A lot was missing, but I knew I'd
put in the essentials.

I felt hands on my shoulders.  They were strong, yet gentle.  "So.  That's
it?"

"Yes."

"Good.  Save it and come to bed.  We can polish it tomorrow."

I did.

We did.

--

Author's Stylistic Note:  The slightly inconsistent writing style is because
this story realy did take 8 years to write, and I wanted it to have the feel
of being written by a person who slowly changed their writing skills during
that time.

 ---
"Shared laughter breaks down barriers more quickly than shared sobriety."
    --  "The White Horse of Uffington"  by: Stasya T. Canine --

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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