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From: Andrew Jay <anc1iej@hotmail.com>
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Subject: {ASSM} The 44th Notch on the Bedpost
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Date: Mon, 02 Jul 2007 20:10:01 -0400
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<1st attachment, "The 44th Notch on the Bedpost.txt" begin>

Copyright 2007 Andrew Jay all rights reserved.  Intended for adults only.
This text may be archived/reposted to free public access provided the
author's name, email anc1iej (at) hotmail .  com and this notice appear in
the message body.  This story may or may not be fictional in portion or
entirety; any resemblance to persons and events are subject to
discretionary interpretation by the reader.  No fee or service has ever
been provided to the author for this document, or for product placement.

   The 44th Notch on the Bedpost, by Andrew Jay

   Firstly, lets get a couple of things straight: The bedpost in question
is a metaphorical one, and you haven't missed parts 1 - 43.  Rather I have
(but a couple of my memoirs are out there if you look).  Something happened
to me recently to make me reconsider the way I have done things, and as a
result, I have decided to commit some of the events of my life to writing.

   Stuff happened to me as a young man in the nineties.  I had
relationships, some good, some bad, some indifferent.  But the `43rd Notch'
as I will call the incident was one that I remember like it was
yesterday...

   I should add that this really did happen to me, and I have used the real
first names of the main participants.  I am Andrew, and for those
interested, I am quite tall with short brown hair and very dark brown eyes.
It was the summer of 1995 when I was 24.  I was acting as birth partner to
my friend Karen in labour when I met her midwife Kate.  Kate had enquired
to Karen if I was her boyfriend, and although we did have a somewhat sexual
relationship (and that is another story), I could never be described as her
boyfriend.  Karen had told the midwife that if she wanted some of me she
should go for it.

   The baby finally arrived, and Karen was stitched and cleaned up.  During
this time, I was finally able to concentrate on something other than Karen.
The midwife wore a dark blue uniform similar to a nurse's and a matching
knee length skirt.  I watched her from my vantage point.  A nice fairly
broad bottom, breasts were ok - perhaps a bit ordinary.  Her figure seemed
fine.  She had quite short, red hair (presumably short to stop it falling
into pregnant vaginas).

   When the treatment was done, it was time to let mother and baby rest.  I
made to leave, but Karen stepped in front of the door.  She had written her
name and number on a card and presented it to me.  `Maybe we could go for a
drink sometime?'

   Getting a date with someone you have never met before is rarely that
easy!  The next evening I gave her a call.  `Yeah?' she sounded tired.  I
introduced myself.  `Oh hi, er hello.  I am really pleased you called!' she
seemed a lot brighter now, gabbling slightly.  This was like shooting fish
in a barrel.  `Shit!  I have a double shift today.  I have to be back at
the hospital in 4 hours' she continued.  `That's ok, I can buy you a bite
to eat and still get you there in plenty of time.  Shall I pick you up?'
She agreed, and soon we were arriving together at a quiet bar I know.  Kate
was wearing her uniform ready for work and almost as soon as we stepped
inside the bar, a large woman said `Hello Kate, good to see you again' Kate
replied `Hello.  How is the family?' `All doing fine thanks.' I steered
Kate away.  `Who was that?  I whispered.  `I have no idea, but I probably
delivered her baby' she laughed.

   It happened again a few minutes later.  Then again - it was wearing a
little thin by now.  Not to be outdone, the girl serving us our sandwiches
said hello to me in a very ambiguous way.  When Kate asked me who it was, I
replied that we had a fling together a few months ago.  It was just as well
Kate didn't ask her name as I had no idea what it was.  I seem to recall a
tattoo just above her pubic hair though.

   As we were eating, another woman approached me `Hello Andrew, when are
you going to call me?' she asked.  `Oh hello, can I call you next week?'
This one I did remember - Sandra (or was it Sally?).  She had unusually
large labia.  It seemed that between us, we had been inside most of the
women here.

   Kate looked at me.  `Did you ask me out just because you thought I would
sleep with you?' she asked.  In these situations, I could have lied, but it
would get me no further than the truth: `Of course!' I smiled.  `Well I am
not that easy!' she said crossly.  I leaned closer to her to speak
privately.  `You are a very attractive young woman, who any man here would
like to sleep with.  I am guessing from the way you asked me to call you,
that you have not had a man in, lets see, 6 months?' She didn't answer. 
`So I thought that maybe you would like to sleep with me?  Maybe you want
to see if my cock is everything Karen said it was?  Maybe you are getting
wet right now?' Kate flushed beet red.  I was right!  Ok I had some help
from the maternity receptionist on the 6 month thing, but now I knew she
was creaming her panties for me.  `So do you want to come back to my place
now, while we have time?' I could see her in turmoil, but six months
without sex can change a sensible woman to a reckless one.  `Come on,
before I change my mind' she ordered.  We hurried out to my car together.
Inside we kissed passionately.  Another time I might have gone for it there
and then, but I didn't want to push my luck.

   I started the car and was began to feel the inside of her thigh with my
free hand when her pager went off.

   She rummaged in her bag and read the pager message.  `Shit!  Shit! 
Shit!' she exclaimed.  `That stupid bitch!' she was almost crying `I am
sorry, we have got to go to the hospital'.  I had assumed that someone had
very inconveniently gone into labour, but in fact a junior midwife had left
the only remaining set of keys for the drug cabinet at home.  Kate had the
other set.

   I drove her back.  I continued to stroke her thigh, gently at first,
near her knee, then further up the inside of her leg.  Just enough to keep
her motor running.  We hurried to the maternity ward and handed over the
keys to the dippy looking junior midwife, who of all things was wearing a
small `Star Trek' badge.  `She has her head in the clouds that one' Kate
said, venomously.  She looked at her watch.  `and look at the time, we cant
get back to yours in time now!' I looked at her and smiled.  `Are you
missing something?' I asked.  She looked blankly at me.  `This is a
hospital.  What do hospitals have?' A look of comprehension came over her.
`I know just the place.  You had better be worth it!' She lead me down a
couple of dark corridors and showed me into a room.  She switched on the
light - it was a maternity room, complete in every way.  I found out later
it had been mothballed by the NHS to save money.

   As soon as the door was closed, she was on me, trying to undo my
trousers and shirt.  I set to work on her uniform and soon her bra was
unclipped.  I sucked on her breasts while I worked her knickers down to the
floor, and felt her sex.  She was smoothly shaved.  And dripping wet.

   Suddenly my cock was free of my underpants.  `Oh wow', she paused to
look.  `Karen wasn't kidding'

   She bobbed down to take me in her mouth, sliding her lips a considerable
way down my shaft.  We really didn't have time for this, so I lifted her
onto the examination couch and hitched her skirt up around her waist.  Her
uniform was open, bra gone, breasts exposed to my hands.  Her pussy didn't
have a hair on it.  Her labia were small and dainty, but glistening in the
light.  I tasted her cunt with deep slow licks.  Her first orgasm washed
over her - she had been waiting a long time for it.

   I came up for air.  `Are you ok with me not using a condom?' I asked. 
`What?  Oh for Christ sake!  I have one in my bag!' she replied.  I was
rubbing the tip of my penis against her pussy now.  `I don't use them.  I
can stop now if you want, but I have very good self control if you don't
want me to come inside you.'

   This is always a tricky moment, but if I wanted to fuck a small piece of
rubber, I could have saved myself a lot of effort by buying a blow up doll.
`You bastard!' she exclaimed.  I was still rubbing my cock against her
slit. She couldn't hold out.  `Ok, but don't even think of coming in me'.

   My penis glided smoothly into her sopping vagina.  I had run out of
room, so I pushed a little harder to get my entire length into her.  Kate
had another orgasm there and then - wasn't that better than a bit of
rubber?

   Truth be told, I only have `quite good' self control, and I nearly
emptied my nuts into her when she came again.  I glanced at the clock and
we only had a few minutes left before the start of Kate's shift.

   `Where do you want my cum, Kate?' I asked, still pumping her.  `Uh, uh,
uh, yes, yes, oh...'

   That wasn't much help.

   She launched into another shuddering climax.  I gritted my teeth and
held on until she was coming back down from her orgasm, then I pulled out
of her soppy pussy with seconds to spare.  I have often been complimented
on the quantity of my spunk and I splashed three ropes of sperm across
Kate's tummy, breasts and chin.  A good old fashioned pearl necklace.  She
was still out of it, so I helpfully rubbed the sperm into her breasts and
tummy - it would be sticky but at least she it wouldn't soak through her
uniform.

   `Wow, that was amazing' she said, absently stroking her clit.  I had
started to get my clothes on, then I noticed her knickers on the floor.  I
don't know why but I get a kick out of those women I have just fucked
having to go commando for the rest of the day.  I slipped her knickers into
my pocket.

   `Come on you only have 5 minutes before your shift!' I exclaimed.  These
words seemed to bring her out of her little world and soon she was
hurriedly dressing.  `God, I am covered in your semen!  Have you seen my
knickers?'

   She didn't have long enough to hunt for them, so she gave up and
straightened her uniform then walked with me back to the main ward.  I
stopped her just before we got back to the reception desk.  `You have some
semen on you chin' I whispered.  She wiped it off with her finger quickly.
`Have you got a tissue?' she asked.  I shook my head.  `You are a bastard',
she grinned and licked it from her fingers.

   We continued on to the reception desk, where the elderly receptionist
greeted Kate.  `Hello Kate dear.  Oh is this your new young man?  I can see
he is doing you some good, you are positively glowing' she said to Kate. 
She was right.  `Don't buy a hat yet, Mavis.  I don't think he is the
marrying kind'.  Kate replied.

   Kate turned to me, kissed me hard on the lips (probably convincing Mavis
we were about to name the day), then said to me.  `6 o'clock, here. 
Tomorrow' she said, and gave my cock a secret squeeze `and bring my
knickers with you.'

   The next day I had finished my work early so I had time to go and see
Karen and her newborn baby daughter.  I had helped Karen out by finding a
place for her when she ran away from an abusive boyfriend (see `The 43rd
Notch on the bedpost'), and now she was living in a house I owned and had
recently renovated.  I am not sure if she was doing it because she felt
indebted to me, but our relationship was quite sexual, although she never
seemed to mind if I had been with someone else.  Her six day old baby was a
little angel, and if I had ever know love, this was it.

   I let myself in with my key - Karen had never minded.  She was sitting
in her rocking chair with her daughter Amber sucking noisily at her breast.
This was a sight that never failed to captivate me and I rushed back to my
car for my camera and snapped a couple of shots.  I had a few pictures of
Karen naked, at various stages of her pregnancy, so I asked if she could go
naked again for me and feed Amber.  `My tummy is still big - don't get that
in' I assured her I wouldn't, so I held Amber while she disrobed her
blouse, enormous bra, skirt and knickers.  I could see what she meant about
her tummy, but it wasn't really that bad.  Her breasts however were... 
bountiful.

   I must have been staring.  `Never seen a naked woman before?' she
laughed.  `pass her over.' I snapped a few more pictures - they looked so
natural together.

   I made a little conversation.  `How are the stitches?' `Coming out
tomorrow.  Still a bit sore, but on the mend.' `And the piles?' I queried.
I had helped her insert a suppository every day for the last 3 months of
her labour.  `I am off the medication, and they are not hurting' she
smiled. `Great' I replied.  Pregnancy suited her, but she was getting
rather fed up with some aspects of it.

   Amber was becoming a little fidgety, so Karen took her off her breast
and gently started to wind her.  After eliciting the tiny belch, she stood
up to put the baby in the cot then turned to me, still naked, and asked if
I would stay over tonight.  I explained that I couldn't as I had a date. 
`Anyone I know?' `I could tell you, but then I would have to shoot you' I
explained, smiling.  I found Karen's dressing gown for her and helped her
into it, then kissed her on the cheek and left for my date at the hospital.

   I arrived at the hospital ward a few minutes early and opened the door
to the ward at the same time as the ditzy junior midwife who had nearly
ruined yesterday evening was stepping through it in the other direction. 
The lack of a door as she was about to push it open meant she lost her
balance spilling her bag and some files onto the floor.  `Oh sorry', she
flustered, even though I had caused the accident.  I helped her pick her
stuff up.  Among an assortment of junk, I noticed a book called `I am
Spock' with a picture of Leonard Nimoy on the front.  I remembered the Star
Trek badge from yesterday (I have an eye for detail like that - I find it
helps me get laid).  As I stacked the last file into her arms she thanked
me and, quickly reading her Id badge, I couldn't resist `Live Long and
Prosper, Jeanette' and did the Vulcan salute thing.  `You are doing it with
the wrong fingers' she sighed and hurried off narrowly avoiding a woman in
a wheelchair.

   I had been blown out of the water, but I didn't mind as for once, I had
a truly altruistic plan.  More of that later.

   I went into the ward.  `Hello Mavis,' I called out to the receptionist.
`you are looking lovely today.' She must have been 60, but she still
managed a little blush.  Kate arrived looking radiant - I think she was wet
from anticipation again.  `Where to tonight?  I have to be back on duty in
four hours.' she asked.  `I thought that nice little place we found last
night...' then for Mavis' benefit who was eavesdropping shamelessly,
`...and I noticed a little bridal wear shop nearby' I got a dig in the ribs
for that one.  `You,' Kate looked at me `are a bad man'.

   We walked along to the same mothballed delivery room as yesterday.  As
soon as we were inside we were ripping at each others clothes in a frenzy
to get naked.  Our kisses were hot and passionate.  I found Kate's nipple
and squeezed gently making it harden instantly.  Soon my lips were on her
breasts, sucking and nibbling her.  `Mmm...  good news...' she said to me
as she stroked her hand along my hard shaft `...  I called in a
professional favour...mmm...  and you don't have to worry about coming
inside me.' This was the sort of news I liked.

   I pushed her back onto the end of the examination couch, so that her
bottom was just perched on the end of it.  I felt for a lever beneath the
bed and pulled it.  A stirrup came up at the two corners of the bed.  I
placed Kate's legs into each one and clipped them in.  Kate giggled
excitedly as she could see where I was heading with this.  I adjusted each
stirrup wide so that Kate was in the sort of pose used to allow a midwife
to sit at the foot of the bed with perfect access to stitch torn vaginas.

   Kate's perfectly shaved vagina was open ready for me.  Her delicate
labia glistening and a dribble of her juice sliding down towards her bum
hole.  Her clit was poking out shyly from the fold of skin at the top of
her open slit.  I licked one side of her hole very lightly and Kate
shivered.  I could take my time tonight, so I licked the other side of her
gaping hole, then alternated back and forth not pushing my tongue inside
her yet.  She was working herself into a frenzy of expectation.  A small
river flowed from her open cunt over her bum hole.  I couldn't resist a
little tease, so gently swirled my tongue around her puckered anus.  Kate
tried to jerk away from the unexpected sensation, but the stirrups held her
quite firmly.  `No!  you mustn't...' but it was one of those times when no
means yes (but take care readers - sometimes `no' does mean `no') `...  ohh
that's really nice' I have never met a woman yet who didn't like it within
the first five seconds.

   I plunged my tongue as far as I could into her pussy and licked and
slurped at anything I could.  I felt her hands behind my head, pushing my
face into her sopping gash.  She started to come for the first time that
evening.  She came twice more before I decided she could have my cock.  I
stood up between her legs - I didn't release her from the stirrups.

   Still standing, I pushed myself inside her - she was really wet, but I
seemed to hit bottom.  With her legs up, I could go really deep into her. I
pushed harder, slowly pushing the last inch of my penis into her.  She was
making a noise at the back of her throat, I am not sure if it was hurting,
but I could see she was enjoying it.  I pushed hard into her again and she
came immediately.

   She was mine to get my satisfaction from now and I pounded into her,
holding each breast and squeezing her nipples as I had my way.  I think she
came again, but I didn't care for the moment.  I felt my balls tighten and
then I released what felt like a huge jet of sperm into the deepest part of
her vagina.  I gave myself a few seconds to enjoy the sensation, then
withdrew from her, my cock covered in sperm and pussy juice.  I walked
around the side of the bed and allowed Kate to suck me clean, draining the
last of my seed from my cock.  When it was clean, Kate said `That was
amazing' `There is one more thing I want to try.  I am going to give you an
internal'

   I walked back around to the foot of her bed and slipped my middle finger
into the spunky mess in her cunt and started to finger fuck her.  She let
out a little moan and sighed as I continued the finger fuck.  I slipped in
another finger and continued fucking.  `I think you need another finger in
there?' I was asking if she wanted me to go further.  `Yes' The third
finger made it a tighter fit.  She made short `ah...  ah...  ah..' sounds
as I fucked her now.  I went on some more, then she said `More'.

   She was a trooper.  She wanted me to put my hand inside her.  I cupped
my fingers together, including my thumb and started to push it inside. 
`Aaarrrghhh!' she cried as I started to stretch her pussy.  I wasn't at the
widest part of my hand yet.  I stopped.  `More!  Aaaaaarrgggghhhh' she
shrieked as I pushed my hand in past its widest point.  There was nowhere
else for my hand to go.  `Now...  fuck...  me....!' she managed to say.

   She shrieked each time my hand went in or out past my knuckles until at
last she had a huge orgasm.  She had fallen asleep or fainted when I looked
at her, so I released her legs and lifted her up the bed to rest for a
while before her shift started.

   When she woke up, she started to get dressed and asked.  `How did you
know I wanted that?' I explained that when I watched her do an internal on
Karen, she hadn't used gloves.  `It got me wondering if it turned you on.'
`It makes me horny every time' she said.

   She was a little shaky when we went back to reception to start her next
shift.  Mavis had gone home.  Karen looked up and kissed me, then said
`That was the most intense thing I have ever done but...  could we do it in
a real bed next time?' I kissed her goodnight, and took the opportunity to
grope her bottom.

   That evening I dropped in on Karen.  I told myself that I felt bad about
turning her down earlier and that she needed my support, but in reality
little Amber was like a drug to me.  I probably wouldn't be up to much hard
sex that night, but as Karen still had stitches I should get away with it.

   `Hello you' Karen said, as I let myself in again `I thought you had a
hot date?'.  `It finished earlier than I expected.' `That's not like you'
smiled Karen, then more concerned `you look tired.' `If you are in the
mood, I really need a massage' I told her sheepishly.

   We went upstairs to the bedroom.  Amber was dozing in a small cot in the
corner of the room - it was more practical if she woke up for feeds.  I
sneaked a peek - she was sucking her thumb and snoring gently.

   One thing about Karen is that she knows how to give massages.  She had
stripped naked behind me, and in a no nonsense way told me to get
undressed.

   I laid naked face down on the bed, and Karen sat behind my bottom so she
could rub my back, then squirted some body lotion onto her hands and began
on one of her fantastic massages.  She wasn't doing anything overtly erotic
to me, but teasing out the stresses of the day from my muscles always
seemed to wake my penis up.  Maybe it helped that we were both naked.

   `Ok, role over, Mister.' she commanded.  I did as I was told, and my
penis sprang out at Karen.  `Its good to see I still have that effect on
you' she grinned, the lowered her mouth down to my cock and started to
suck. After a few seconds she said `you had her then - your new girlfriend?
I can taste her' `Yes.  You don't mind do you?' `If I minded every time you
shagged someone else, I would find it difficult to let you in my house, let
alone in my mouth.' She continued to take long, slow slurps on my dick,
cleaning the last traces of my sperm and Kate's juices from me.  I thought
I would come fairly soon, but then Kate stopped and said `Andrew, you know
my piles have cleared up now?' `Yes.' I replied hesitantly.  `Well, my
stitches are still in, but my bottom is ready for a little action...  Would
you mind taking me up my arse?' `Have you done it before?' I asked rather
concerned- it is a slow process the first time.  `Geoff used to sometimes.
When he was gentle it was lovely, but towards the end of the relationship
he got a bit rough.' `One gentle butt fuck coming up.' I replied, getting
up.

   We decided it would be easiest if she went on her back, with her bum on
a pillow.  Her pussy still looked rather raw with three ugly stitches, so
there was no opportunity for licking her out first.  I squirted some body
lotion onto my fingers, and starting rubbing gently around her bum hole.  I
gently pushed my finger inside her and she made appreciative noises.  I
finger fucked her bum until my index finger could go right in without
causing her discomfort then I rubbed some more body oil onto my stiff cock
and pressed it into her very slowly, until finally I was completely within
her.  `Oh that does feel good...  but you can be a little rougher than
that'

   I picked up the pace a little, pulling nearly right out, then ploughing
in up to the hilt.  This wasn't my first anal sex by any means, a couple of
my regular girlfriends were very keen on it, but they were both of the
opinion that anal sex should hurt.  Clearly that wasn't the case with
Karen. I was a little perplexed by not being able to play with Karen's
pussy - it was in no state to be touched.  I settled on squeezing her
breasts, but this caused her milk to start leaking out.  I licked up what I
could.

   Karen's bum hole was tight, and I could feel my weary balls tingling. 
Then little Amber, perhaps awakened by the smell of milk gave a cry. 
Karen's breasts both gave a spurt of milk.  I forgot myself for a moment
and rammed home hard to deliver my sperm into the depths of Karen's bowels.

   Karen got up to feed the baby again, some sperm sliding down the inside
of her thigh.  I wanted to watch, but I was so tired I was asleep almost
before my head hit the pillow.  She told me the following morning she got
up twice more during the night, but I had managed to sleep through it all.

   The next day I was in no hurry to get to work - my boss was on holiday
and no-one else was really checked up on me.  Karen had fixed me some
breakfast, and I was tucking in to it, as was Amber to Karen's breast.  The
doorbell rang.  Karen had her hands full, so I opened the door.  It was
Kate.  `Oh...  hello Andrew, I have an appointment with Karen.  I am a
little bit early is that ok?' `I am sure it is ok, come in' Kate was
obviously not sure what to make of me being there so early.  I suppose
there could have been an innocent explanation so she let it go.  Karen was
just finishing up with Amber, so she took Kate upstairs to put Amber in
cot, then they could begin the check over.

   I couldn't resist flicking on the switch of the baby monitor.  This is
what I heard: Kate: `I was surprised to see Andrew here' Karen: `He cant
resist the chance to see Amber.  He is not her father, but I think he
wishes he was!' They both giggled.  Kate: `Can you slip your gown off and I
will just check your breasts.  Have you had any problems feeding?' Karen:
`No, she knows what exactly what to do.' There was a few moments of
silence. Kate: `No problems there.  Can you lie back on the bed with your
knees up and feet apart'

   I knew Kate would be getting horny about now.  Karen let out a little
`ouch'.  Kate: `It is still tender but that is to be expected.  Your cervix
feels fine.  Has there been any excessive bleeding?'
Karen: `No that all cleared up fairly quickly.'
Kate: `Good.  I can take those stitches out now.  You wont need a local
for this, but it might be a bit uncomfortable.  I will need to insert two
fingers to support the skin from the inside of your vagina'
I wondered how much sperm was left inside Kate since the previous

evening - I would lay bets that she was creaming her knickers now.  I heard
an intake of breath from Karen, then a sigh.  It was almost the noise she
made when I had pushed right into her last night.  Kate: `Was that ok?  Two
more to go' Another intake of breath.  Kate: `The last one is a bit deeper.
Are you ok with my three fingers inside like that?' Karen: `Yes' Karen
sounded a little strained.  I wondered how much of this was actually
necessary and how much was for Kate's own enjoyment.  A last sharp intake
of breath, and the final stitch was be out.  Kate: `Well, the soreness
should ease up over the next couple of weeks and I suggest you wait at
least 2 weeks before resuming sexual intercourse.  Now, I know you had a
nasty case of piles during your pregnancy, so I want to just insert my
finger into your bottom to check them out.' Oh dear.  Karen: `Actually,
there is no need.  They cleared up really quickly after the birth.' Kate:
`Better safe than sorry.  It wont take a minute.  If you can get onto all
fours for me.' There was some rustling of the bed.  Kate: `Just relax your
bottom.  It wont hurt.' Karen: `There is something I ought to mention...'
Kate: `Oh.  This appears to be...  Have you had anal sex recently Karen?'

   Kate was sounding a little angry.  Karen: `Yes.  Last night.' Kate: `I
wouldn't have recommended it so soon after delivery.' There was a pause. 
Kate: `Was it Andrew?  That bastard!  I knew he had lots of girlfriends,
but I thought he might have managed to stick with me for a while!'
Karen: `I take it you are his new mystery woman'
Kate: `Not any longer I'm not'
Karen: `Kate, Andrew is incapable of being with one woman.  You can be
angry and never have him inside you again, or you can accept him for who he
is and have him as a friend and sexual partner for as long as you want
him.'
Kate: `But anal sex...  yuk!'
Karen: `I asked him to, and don't knock it until you have tried it.  And
Kate, there is something else...'
Kate: `What?'
Karen: `Your finger is still up my bottom.'
I could hear that they were in the process of coming down stairs again,
so I switched off the monitor quickly.  I busied myself by putting on my
tie until they both appeared in the kitchen.  I decided to find out where I

stood with Kate.  `Did you want to sleep at my place or yours tonight? 
Kate thought for a moment, then looked at Karen.  `Yours.' She said.

   The relationship with Kate was red hot for the first month or two, but
like most relationships it slowed down and soon Kate was relegated (in the
nicest possible way) to just being one of my regulars.  She never got over
her fascination with being fisted - I think it was to do with the almost
orgasmic pain she watched every day with women in labour.  She also became
a real devotee of anal sex - perhaps unsurprisingly she was in the `it
should really hurt' camp.  Fine by me.  She also remained a loyal friend
and general `port in the storm' for me, particularly after the untimely
death of Karen some years later.



   Part 2: What about the Junior Midwife?

   This section isn't pivotal to the my love life, but is included as
without my friend Francis, these recollections would have been almost
impossible to reproduce.

   Francis works with me.  He is not the sort of person who I would be
naturally drawn to.  In fact I thought he was rather annoying when I first
met him.  He seemed to take me not being rude to him as a sign of proffered
friendship.  He grew on me over the years I worked with him, becoming a
trusted confidant of my life outside work.  He was the sole of discretion
and a handy contact (being an IT guy) to have around, provided you could
keep him off the subject of Star Trek and any other science fiction series.


   I was in bed with Kate, enjoying the post coital glow together when I
remembered the altruistic plan I had come up with a few days ago and I
asked Kate if her colleague Jeanette had a boyfriend.  She thought for a
moment who I meant `oh Jeanie - as in Dream Jeanie - you don't fancy her do
you?' I explained she wasn't my cup of tea, but I had a friend at work who
was very shy with women and I thought they were made for each other.  `He
doesn't have pointed ears does he?' she laughed.  `Only for conventions'

   We decided to set up a blind, foursome date with them - a meal in an
ordinary restaurant in the town.  Kate would make sure Jeanie was there,
and I would make sure Francis arrived.

   Having hatched my plan, at work the next day, I broached the subject of
women with Francis.  He immediately got flustered and started sweating. 
This wasn't going to be easy.  I told him that had I met a girl who was
really into that sci-fi crap (that word did slip out unfortunately).  I
said that I thought she was just the sort of girl he was looking for.  `You
haven't...  you know...  with her?' he asked.  `No I haven't!' I replied
indignantly.  Did people think I had a one track mind?

   I told him he had a date with Jeanie, a lovely 21 year old, unattached
junior midwife.  He would be accompanied by myself and my date for the
evening, Kate - also a midwife.

   `But what do I talk about?  What if she doesn't like me?  What if she
fancies you more than me?  What if...' I told him to shut up.  I would be
around to help him out if there was a crisis.  I advised him exactly where
to go, what sort of thing to wear, what sort of things were ok to say on a
first date, and what to definitely not say.  Then I wrote it all down on a
list.

   The big day arrived.  Kate arrived with Jeanie.  I arrived.  Francis
arrived 25 minutes late, soaked having been caught in a rain shower.  He
was wearing Jeans and a fairly smart shirt as instructed.  He was also
wearing a bow tie - not as instructed.

   He stood looking gormlessly at me - I broke the silence by introducing
him to Kate, then to Jeanie.  `Kaplah!' he said to Jeanie.  My heart sank -
this was going to be a disaster - I had told him to introduce his enjoyment
of certain science based fiction serials in a measured way, and to enjoy
the discourse of the exchange of opinions on the subject.  `Kaplah!' Jeanie
replied.  It turned out she knew Klingon too.

   I needn't have worried about them - they jabbered away comparing Kirk
with Picard, new series with old and borg to cybermen, barely noticing Kate
or I were still there.  Francis mentioned something about going to the
Royal Albert Hall convention next week.  `No way!  I really wanted to go,
but I couldn't get a ticket anywhere!' Jeanie replied.  `This is your
chance, Francis' I thought to myself `ask her to go with you.' Nothing. 
`Francis!' I silently screamed.  Still nothing.  `Why don't you see if you
can get a ticket from one of your nerd...  er, contacts' I suggested.  `Oh
they are like gold dust now' replied Francis in a `but I am ok because I
have a ticket' sort of way.

   I excused us from the table and practically dragged Francis to the far
corner of the restaurant.  This wasn't the time for subtlety.  `Francis. 
If you can get her a ticket, she will want to have your babies!' `But they
will cost a fortune now!' he whined.  `Francis' I went on, becoming
exasperated `it doesn't matter how much they cost - this girl might
actually want to have sex with you if you can do this thing'.  `Really? 
With me?'

   I couldn't put it any more bluntly.  `Just do it!' We went back to the
table.  `Er Jeanie,' Francis started `I might...' I kicked him under the
table.  `I will be able to get hold of a spare ticket to the convention, if
you would, you know, like to come.  With me, that is.' `Oh Francis, I would
love to!' she excitedly replied.

   My work was done.  For the moment at least.  Kate and I discreetly left
them discussing the trip to the convention.

   The pair made it to the convention - Francis had to resort to offering
large amounts of cash to one of his nerdy pals to buy a ticket.  But he
agreed afterwards that it was worth it.  By the end of the day, they were
officially a `couple'.  They were in an exhibition of an alien planet and
Jeanie had said `show me more of this Earth thing you call kissing' and
Francis had obliged.  Romantic.

   Francis recounted the entire day in excruciating detail the following
day at work - Twice.  When he had finally completed his story - the bit
where he asked if she would like to go and see one of the star wars films
with him and she said yes.  He took a breath, and changed the subject
somewhat.  `Andrew, I have a thank you gift for you but I am not sure you
are going to like it.' `Go on' I replied wearily.  `Well, ever since you
and I have been friends, you have been telling me about your sexual... 
interludes.' `Right.  I think I am regretting it now though' I responded.
`You might think this is a bit odd, but, well, I wrote them down.' He
stammered.  `Some sort of pervy displacement thing?' I replied
sarcastically.  `I just thought they deserved to be written down, ok?  But
that's not the point.  The point is that I have created a database of
everyone you have told me about.  Names, dates, times and er, `activities'.
It will even store photos, and you can add anyone you forgot to mention.'
he gabbled.  He handed me a CD, and I loaded it up.  The first record was
labelled `Jasmine 1993', although I would later rename it `#11 Jasmine'.  I
flicked to the next record `Rose 1993'.  Memories came flooding back.  I
continued flicking through the records, then thanked Francis profusely - he
was a true friend.  I spent the next few weeks gathering old photos, diary
notes, press cuttings, dredging my memory and anything else I could think
of and entering it all into the database.  This is how these recollections
were made possible.  Thank you Francis.

   Just for completeness, I should add that Jeanie did indeed have Francis'
babies - The first one arrived about a year after they married.  I was his
best man, and Kate was her maid of honour.  There was also a particularly
attractive woman at the service, but that is another story.








   

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