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Message-ID: <56127asstr$1182802203@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
From: Yotna El'toub <yotna_eltoub@hotmail.com>
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Subject: {ASSM} {REVIEW} Yotna's Reviews of The Solstice Fest ~ Summer by Diola Dragontail
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Date: Mon, 25 Jun 2007 16:10:03 -0400
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<1st attachment, "Review_Summer .txt" begin>

Yotna's Reviews of The Summer Solstice Festival 2007
 
Summer
A Summer Solstice Festival Story
By Diola Dragontail
 
Storyline
 
<Brief outline only>
 
Karen has a rather boorish husband - who seems to have lost
enthusiasm for life. He has his reasons for this and in masculine
style he tends to take them out on his wife. However he is
invited to join her on her holiday for one day, to her surprise
and delight he agrees. He also agrees to do what she would
normally do on holiday, for just one day; once again, he agrees
to the condition and the dye is set.
 
Merits
 
<What was worthy of comment>
 
There are some really nice phrases here, one that delighted me was
in this paragraph:
 
Excerpt
 
* "He was sure she had, but he didn't mind that.  He understood
her need and was willing to forgive her.  Despite where her body
laid, he always knew where her heart resided." *
 
Isn't that simple and elegant?
 
Another:
 
Excerpt:
 
* "Karen loosened her grip and let Victoria's hair slip out from
between her fingers.  The ebon strands uncoiling from her fingers
like a nest of vipers retreating for shelter.  Her hands
immediately went to the front of Victoria's designer silk shirt,
gripping it tightly and yanking it apart, the crimson stone
buttons falling around their feet. *
 
Again a nice phrase. Oddly, it also features in demerits (maybe
harshly).
 
The sex is hot and delicious, very well written and quite, well
'horny'.
 
 
Demerits
 
<What detracted from the story>?
 
I will start with an excerpt of the above paragraph:
 
* "The ebon strands uncoiling from her fingers
like a nest of vipers retreating for shelter." *
 
I was unsure of 'ebon'; should be 'ebony'? It turns out it is an
adjective of ebony, but ebony can also be used as an adjective -
why make the reader pause over unusual usage? I would have read
ebony and it would have flowed past me, ebon did not. Keep it
simple and keep 'em involved.
 
 
Major flaw, and this one is so easy to slip up on - you invent a
character but the name does suit them (once you start to write
about them). So you change it, then you forget you changed it and
call the character by both names!
 
Poor old Peter is schizophrenic turning up in adjacent paragraphs
as both Peter and Paul. Now that confuses and it detracts from the
story.
 
The only other thing that concerned me was the continuity of the
Phone call to Mom. I have to admit, may be due to laziness, I lost
the plot here and became confused who was Mom and who was the
daughter. So much so, that I had to read back to confirm it. I
think the problem was that the decision to make the phone call
interrupts a quite introspective bit of the story. A sudden
impulse that threw me as a reader.
 
I also have concerns as to how this phone call marries into the
'reveal' at the end of the story. But I can't say too much here to
avoid spoiling the read.
 
Atmosphere
 
<How well evolved was the environment> Marks out of  20
 
<16>
 
The environment was good for me, until we got to the pay - off
part of the story. Here there could have been a fuller
description of the location (I'm being deliberately vague -
spoiler). The emotional environment in particular the shift from
hostility to confounded acceptance on Peter/Paul's part is very
well  done.
 
 
Workflow
 
<How well did the story progress and develop> Marks out of  20
 
<10>
 
Ah, herein lies the crux of it; Diola needs an editor. I'm sure a
lot of the flow issues such as naming and the phone call would
have been spotted by a good editor. The flow is broken by the
confusions that arise in the text and that is a real shame, as
the story properly 'polished' is deserving of a higher score
than it will get.
 
Reader (esp. me?) are a taciturn lot, get too many interruptions
to the flow and no matter how good the tale the enthusiasm is
lost. Would I have finished the story if I had not been reviewing
it? Well yes, but I am going to hit it hard on the shortcomings
it displays.
 
One of the most glaring for me is the feeling of slight
incredulity the ending gives me. I can't reconcile it too easily
with certain part of the story as written. A longer end phase
with a little more explanation may have helped here. I got the
slight feeling that as the sex was over the authors literary
discipline slipped a little.
 
 
Eroticism
 
<Just how erotic a read is this (erotic, not sexy!)> Marks out
of  20
 
<17>
 
Now this is a hot story, the sex is pungent and strong like the
first shot of espresso in the morning.
 
Excerpt:
 
* "Lawrence kneeled close to Karen's hips, gripping the base of his cock
and dragging the tip of it up and down her pussy lips, teasing her and
spreading his pre-cum across her skin.  Her hips shook and pushed
back, trying to draw him inside her, but he only retreated slightly,
continuing to keep her at bay.
 
Victoria unhooked her slacks and let them drop around her feet,
showing Paul her matching dark panties.  The frills of lace lined the
edges of it, showing him quite a bit of her flesh, but still hiding
the most interesting parts.  Like her bra, she quickly divested
herself of these too, slipping her thumbs around the waistband and
drawing it down.  The wet center of it clung to her skin for a moment
before exposing her freshly smooth pussy." *
 
Wow, like wow, that sounds like fun.
 
 
Mechanics
 
<The boring bit, grammar, typo's etc.> Marks out of 20
 
<12>
 
Once again the spectre of self-editing emerges (I presume). There
are typo's (not many) a repeated word, the name confusion and
some slightly odd phraseology.
 
Excerpt Karen & Peter:
 
*"Did you bring pictures of your children with you?"  Karen asked, the
request seemed to float in the middle of the room, out of place and
awkward for a second.  Then she glanced at her husband.  "We've been
trying to have some of our own for years now.  And I did mention yours
to Peter."*
 
Excerpt Peter & Paul:
 
*"Peter stared at the picture, trying not to show too much interest.  He
wasn't sure what the proper amount was, but he just felt envious now.
The dark haired boy looked like an imp in the posed picture, bright
red cheeks, eyes that seemed to glimmer with mischievousness.  He
couldn't help but feel envious.
 
"And this,"  Victoria's finger shifted to the right now, following the
train of pictures.  "Is Cassy, she's our baby."
 
Peter could see Victoria's face start to glow as she gazed down at the
picture, the pride and joy was almost palpable as it flowed out of
her.
 
The little girl, Cassy, couldn't be older than four or five.  And if
her older brother was an imp, this child looked like an angel.  Bright
blonde hair, tiny little features, and a face that just beamed
happiness and wonder.
 
Paul snapped his eyes away from the pictures, searching for the right
words to respond with.  "You have a beautiful family."*
 
Ooops! - That seems to sum it up.
 
Except: Phrase or typo?
 
* "Peter glanced at his wife for a moment; he could tell that this was
all part of her plan.  He wasn't sure if he should feel offended or
not, but he was intrigued very so slightly."*
 
Looking at this just now, I think it is a typo; I would anticipate
the word 'ever' but not very? Unfortunately, it makes me stutter
in reading once more.
 
 
 
Impression
 
<What did I feel having read the story, did I want to read
more?> Marks out of 20
 
<15>
 
Well after all my bellyaching the answer is I like the story. I
do think the relationship between the ending and the main part of
the story needs sorting and it cries out a bit for an editors
shears, but it is a good story nonetheless. Will I read more
works by Diola? Yes, I will, once I get a certain glut of reviews
out of the way.
 
 
Total score
 
70 Yotties out of 100.     <An average score would therefore  be 50>
 
 
Readability guide           00-19 must try harder.
                            20-39 needs development
                            40-59 readable
                            60-79 good read
                            80-99 should read
                            100 reserved for my stories :-)

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