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Message-ID: <53488asstr$1144599001@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
From: "Yotna El'toub" <yotna_eltoub@hotmail.com>
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Subject: {ASSM} {REVIEW} Review 018 Stars by Atheros 
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Date: Sun, 09 Apr 2006 12:10:01 -0400
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Review 018 Stars by Atheros


Storyline

<Brief outline only>

The fear and trepidation of unrequited love is reflected in our
hero's desire for Vivian. Will he break through his reluctance
and speak of his love? Will she accept it?

Merits

<What was worthy of comment>

Everything, the emotion, the setting, the trueness of the
feelings. Anyone who has loved from a distance will understand.
Anyone who has loved from a distance and not found the courage
to approach the object of their desire, will weep.

Bravo!

Demerits

<What detracted from the story>

Honestly I was so carried along I saw nothing. Damn, I need to
re-read. Re-read, and I have nothing to add.


Atmosphere

<How well evolved was the environment> Marks out of  20

<20>

Glorious, from laying on the grass observing the night sky, to
the barely remembered passions. A triumph of simple, good
description that anyone could follow.

An early example:

<"I'm glad you came," I said. She did not answer. She never
answers to any reference I make about us. About a possible "us,"
since there was not really an "us" yet. I tried another topic.
"Why do you like stars so much?"

"'Cause they're pretty."

"You are pretty," I said.

"No, I am not," she replied, after a moment of hesitation.

"Yes, you are." I turned around, facing her. She was still
looking at the sky. There was only the tiniest crescent moon on
the sky, but it was enough to distinguish her silhouette, to see
her light brown eyes shining and the light brown hair, which I
longed so much for, draped around her face.>



Workflow

<How well did the story progress and develop> Marks out of  20

<18>

Very smooth and natural. Neat and simple progression with a
similar closing line.

As in:


<"Stop. I want to go," she muttered. "You are an asshole."

I kissed her. Almost, because she pulled away, and the touch of
her lips was as ethereal as the one of a ghost; or as a fading
dream that pulls away from us as we try to hold on to it. She ran
into the house.>


Eroticism

<Just how erotic a read is this (erotic, not sexy!)> Marks out
of  20

<20>

For me, this is an exceedingly erotic read. Why? Because it
involves me from the first word to the final one. Ordinary life
suspended, I can remember and relish each emotion as they surface.

Mechanics

<The boring bit, grammar, typo's etc.> Marks out of 20

<18>

Very well written, in precise clear English. I, and other
writers can learn from this, hyperbole and excess is banished.
Skilfully done.

Impression

<What did I feel having read the story, did I want to read
more?> Marks out of 20

<20>

I am floored by this as a piece of work. Even the Yot has a
heart, and Atheros has not only located it, he has opened it.
Plundered it.I cannot recommend this story too highly. So go
and read it!

Total score

96 Yotties out of 100.

<An average score would therefore be 50>

Readability guide      00-19 must try harder.
                            20-39 needs development
                            40-59 readable
                            60-79 good read
                            80-99 should read
                            100 reserved for my stories :-)

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-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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