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From: Golden Clits <golden.clits@gmail.com>
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Subject: {ASSM} {REVIEW} 2005 Golden Clitorides Awards Ceremony
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Date: Mon, 03 Apr 2006 07:10:01 -0400
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(html version at: http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Clitorides/www/GCA_2005.htm)

It was time once again for the annual Golden Clitorides Awards Gala,
and La Taverna's rooftop...

Stop! Wait a minute, that's not right. That's last year. Let's try
it again...

It was time again for the annual Golden Clitorides Awards Gala. La
Taverna had broken out the good glasses (the ones decorated with
various positions from the Kama Sutra), put black linens on the
tables, replaced the usual glaring fluorescent lighting with long,
white candle sconces, and each table featured a centerpiece of
orchids arranged around a chocolate carving of a... well, a clit.

Most of the tables were filled with authors, fans, and their guests.
The Birthday Robot was taking care of keeping the press out, all
except for Trudy Tolliver who had been granted an exclusive of the
night's events. And Stanton and Maytag had been persuaded to cover
security. Most guests didn't seem to mind the full body cavity
searches, and a few had even gone back through the line a second time.

Souvie stood on stage in a short black cocktail dress and tapped a
spoon against her margarita glass.  Gary sat in the front row,
looking smug and more than a little relieved he wasn't center stage
that evening. He waved cheerily to Souvie and gave her a "thumbs-up"
for encouragement.

"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen and others, to the 2005 Golden
Clitorides Awards." She cleared her throat, unused to speaking in
front of a large crowd. "Unfortunately the Birthday Nymph was unable
to help me with this year's awards, so the only replacements I could
get on short notice were, well, um..." She finished with reluctance,
"Here are Waldorf and Statler, who came out of retirement from The
Muppet Show to help co-host the awards tonight." A spotlight is
trained on a balcony that was built just for the awards. Inside are
two wizened old muppets.

"Heh," said Waldorf, "the last time I saw this much silicone was
when I got invited to a taping of Baywatch." Statler laughed along
with him and there were a few titters from the crowd. Souvie shook
her head and continued. "There were awards for first, second and
third place in each category, except in the case where second place
resulted in a tie. Like last year, the awards will remain here on
stage until the end, when all the recipients can come up at once."
She looked up at the balcony. "Would you care to toss me the envelope
for the first category?"

Statler dropped a golden envelope over the side and it fluttered
down to land in Souvie's hand. The awards would be brought on-stage
at the end (she was not about to have them dropped from the balcony
above). Opening the envelope, Souvie announced, "In the category
Author of the Year, 2005, third place goes to Frank Downey. Second
place is awarded to Al Steiner. And the winner is... Nick Scipio."

As Waldorf tossed down the next envelope, Statler said, "I can't
believe Nick won. I've seen better writing on a bathroom stall."

Souvie made a quick announcement, "Remember, folks, they were not my
first choice." She cleared her throat. "For Best New Author, third
place goes to Mack the Knife. Second Place goes to Wine Maker. And
the winner is... Beating off Bob."

"Beating off Bob," Statler said, delivering the next envelope to
Souvie, "bet we know what he's doing while writing!"

"Let's move along to Best Flash Story of the Year. There's a tie for
third place between 'Afterblow' by Gary Jordan, and 'It Won't Happen
Again' by Alexis Siefert. Second place is awarded to 'On a Lighter
Note' by Jack C. Lipton. And the winner is... Girl Friday's '
Finding Love'."

Thankfully Souvie was given the next envelope without comments from
either Muppet. "Next up is Short Story of the Year. Third place
belongs to 'Tears Reflected' by Strickland83. Second place goes to
'Tears on My Face' by Cat5. And the winner is... 'Tutor's Blues' by
Beating off Bob.

"For Long Story of the Year, third place goes to 'Thunder and
Lightening' by Lazlo Zalezac. Second place belongs to 'Once More With
Feelings' by (the) Nighthawk. Not surprisingly, the winner is...
'Summer Camp: Book 3: Kendall' by Nick Scipio.

Statler laughed. "I can't wait for 'Summer Camp: Book 57: Sagging and
Dragging'." Waldorf laughed so hard he started coughing.

Ignoring them, Souvie continued, "Now for the Golden Clit for Best
Story by a New Author. Third place goes to 'Tutor's Blues' by Beating
off Bob, and second is 'Wes and Les' by Old Fart. And the winner is...
'Sea King' by colt45.

"For Best Series, the number three spot goes to the Cammie Sue
series by RealLifeDragon. Second place is awarded to Playing the Game
series by Reverend Cotton Mather. And the winner is... Nick Scipio's
Summer Camp series.

"Let's turn our attention now to the specialty awards.

"The Best BDSM Story third place award goes to 'Amanda's Choice' by A
Strange Geek. Second place goes to 'The Favor' by MWTB. And the winner
is 'Avatar: Establishment, Book 1' by Dark Pen."

Waldorf looked at Statler. "BDSM. What's that stand for?"

Statler shrugged. "Who knows with this group. Best Doggie-Style
Mystery?"

Souvie was getting better at taking the envelopes and ignoring the
"co-hosts" up in the balcony. "The award for Best Erotic Horror Story
third place goes to 'My Dead Hands' by rache. 'Darkness Comes' by Yotna
El'toub takes second place. And the winner is... 'Close Encounter' by
hammingbyrd7.

"Next is the award for Best Erotic Mind Control Story. Third prize
belongs to 'A Month to a Changed Woman' by MWTB. Second place goes to
'Dream State' by JiMC, who also takes first place with 'Lucky Stiff'."

"Hey I like that last story," Waldorf said.

Statler gave him a look. "Why?"

"Because at my age, any time I find myself 'stiff' it sure is
'lucky'."

They both laughed at that, and even some in the crowd smiled.

Souvie paused to get a refill on her margarita and then lick some of
the salt from the rim of the glass. "And now for Best Erotic Poetry.
For third place, the winner is 'The Santa' by Russell Hoisington. The
number two position goes to 'Just Feel' by Danyealle. And the winner
is... 'Twas the Night' by GentleButFirm.

"For Best Erotic Science Fiction or Fantasy Story, third goes to 'Sea
King' by colt45. Second place belongs to 'Once More With Feelings' by
(the) Nighthawk, and the winner is... 'A Perfect World' by Al Steiner.

"Next up is a new category, Best Furry/Bestiality/Zoophilia Story.
Second place is a tie between Danyealle's 'The Dragon and the
Princess' and Tendal Braxis' 'My Dog Takes a Lover'. The winner
is... 'Lust is Lust' by Stasya T. Canine."

Statler opened his mouth to say something but a growl from a big,
black Borzoi quickly shut it.

"In the contest for Best Heterosexual Story, TheCaddy takes third
place for 'A Golfer's Dream: Book III - The Real Education Begins',
while second place goes to 'Playing the Game III: The Competitive
Edge' by Reverend Cotton Mather. But the winner is... 'Summer
Camp: Book 3: Kendall' by Nick Scipio.

"For Best Humor Story, third place goes to 'A Badly Writin Sex Story'
by Vivian Darkbloom. Second place belongs to 'The Trailer Park' by
Wizard. And the Golden Clit for first place goes to... 'Girl Scout
Nookie Sale' by Kenny Gamera.

Suzee threw a glass of water in Kenny's face to revive him, and the
gala continued.

"For third place in Best Romantic Story, we have a tie. Third place
goes to 'Heroes' by Frank Downey and 'Once More With Feelings' by (the)
Nighthawk. Second place goes to Lazlo Zalezac for 'Thunder and
Lightening'. And the winner is...  'Summer Camp: Book 3: Kendall' by
Nick Scipio."

Souvie waited for a comment from Statler or Waldorf, and when none
was forthcoming, she looked up. The old men had fallen asleep. She
gestured to Gary and he sent his Muse to retrieve the rest of the
envelopes from the balcony. When Gary's Muse returned, Souvie
continued. "Next up is Best Same Sex Story. Third place belongs to
Ann Douglas' 'Mother's In Law'. In second place we have 'Munchkin' by
Sacwriter. And the winner is... 'Once More With Feelings' by (the)
Nighthawk."

Waldorf woke up long enough to comment, "Is it over yet?"

"Almost but not quite," Souvie yelled up to him.

"That's what my ex-wife used to always say," Waldorf snorted.

"For third place in the category of Best Seasonal Story, the winner
is 'Christmas Surprise' by GoldenMage.  'Christmas Alone' by Joesephus
comes in second place. And the winner is... Warlord's 'Christmas
Cruise'.

"Next to last we have Best Voyeur or Exhibitionism Story. Third
place goes to 'Agent Jackson Parks: The Pearly Gates' by Desdmona. In
second place is 'Jailbait and Switch' by Vulgar Argot. And the winner
is... 'Nine Memorable Days' by Berwick Bob."

"Nine memorable days?" Statler echoed. "That's how long we've been
stuck at this stupid awards show!"

"Last but certainly not least," Souvie hurried on through gritted
teeth, "is the category of Classic Clitoride. The third place winner
is 'Silk and Amphetamines' by Nick Urfe. Ann Douglas' 'A Dark and Stormy
Night' takes second place, and the winner is... 'Katie/Lyn' by Gina
Marie Wylie."

Souvie clapped, as did the audience - in addition to wolf whistles,
cheering, and screaming, not to mention the occasional moan or sucking
noise. "I'd like to thank everyone for coming - some literally and
most figuratively - tonight and helping to honor not only those who
won, but those who were nominated as well. There's an amazing amount
of erotica that's free out there on the net, and to be singled out
from among hundreds of stories... well, that makes everyone a winner
in my book." Even more applause greeted those words. "On behalf of
Rui Jorge and Gary - whose footsteps it's hard to follow in - and
everyone who helped with this year's awards, I'd like to thank each
and every one of the authors for sharing their talents with us, and
to thank the fans who took the time to vote. Congrats to everyone!"

-- Souvie

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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