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Message-ID: <53131asstr$1140361804@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
From: "Yotna El'toub" <yotna_eltoub@hotmail.com>
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Subject: {ASSM} {REVIEW} Review 011 The House in Turlock by Nicholas S
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Date: Sun, 19 Feb 2006 10:10:04 -0500
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Review The House in Turlock by Nicholas S


Storyline

<Brief outline only>

Well I will use Nicholas's summary although it is a lazy man's
summary cut straight from the story.

"Tempting" she'd said when he suggested they take a shower
together, but she was too shy to agree. Quietly he tried the
bathroom door. It was unlocked. His heart raced...

Merits

<What was worthy of comment>

The diary aspect from one partner and a third person approach
with the other in consecutive chapters is quite unusual and works
quite well in portraying the reflective approach of the piece.
Some of the imagery used in the respective 'memories' works quite
well, and there is a 'nice' fumbling urgency to the sex that fits
in with a first time romance.

<The rest of the shower is a daze, a big daze. We kissed forever,
it seems like, our entire bodies touching. I felt so peaceful
somehow, basking in his intense desire for me, and the water so
warm and comforting. And I wanted him too, more than ever, but it
was a tranquil desire, a kind of "it's gonna be all right"
warmth. I let him do whatever he wanted.>

That's nice, so carried away in the desire and novelty, but
feeling the dull inevitability of what was to come.

Demerits

<What detracted from the story>

Well I won't expand too much on my major gripe as it will blow
the storyline. However read it an look back once you reach the
final paragraph. Ask your self how come both accounts are so
similar, when we are talking about two people fantasising.

Some of the paragraphs are, to me, over long. It seems that our
author feels that one sexual interlude no matter how long is the
subject of a single paragraph. I find block of text without break
off putting and they can encourage me to skip passages. I did,
and I had to go back and review it properly. In fact I found that
some of the best stuff was buried away, when it could have been
accessible if presented more conventionally. There is one
paragraph of 48 lines and 568 words, as a block of text it filled
my monitor - discouraging to the eye.


Atmosphere

<How well evolved was the environment> Marks out of  20 <13>

For the length of the story it was reasonably realised, the
relationship of the couple is quite well explored. Although I
have no image of the house in Turlock or it's layout.

Workflow

<How well did the story progress and develop> Marks out of  20

<9>

OK this progressed as on would anticipate, but the final
paragraph does open some issues with what has gone before. The
swithchero is fairly well handled but the implications are not
thought through.

***STORY SPOILER***

Please read the story in advance of this if you intend to read
it.

We find out in the final paragraph that the events detailed did
not actually happen. On both sides the sex was imagined, fantasy.
Yet both of these individuals independently imagined the same
events, in the same order. Sorry that doesn't work at all for me.
The fantasies would be different, not versions of a single event.
The author has fallen into the trap of using his knowledge *not*
what the characters could have known. A basic and unfortunate
error, as it makes nonsense of the stories premise.

Eroticism

<Just how erotic a read is this (erotic, not sexy!)> Marks out of
20

<15>

On this score its quite good, and much better than average. I
like the immediacy, and even uncontrollable passion of the first
timers. This is well done.

Mechanics

<The boring bit, grammar, typo's etc.> Marks out of 20

<13>

The grammar is good enough to be unnoticable, with the exception
of the lack of paragraphs. In the long passages there are clear
points at which one could break the flow, and by so doing gain
some rhythm and impact. I have been harsh on this as I think it
is offputting to the reader.

Impression

<What did I feel having read the story, did I want to read more?>
Marks out of 20

<12>

Well for some of the descriptive passages yes. However I would
want a more sympthetic presentation, and a fully thought out
plot. If this were a wine it would have pleasant notes, but be in
need of a little more maturity. I would encourage the writer to
write more. This could have a much higher score with a little
more thought and effort.

Total score

56 Yotties out of 100.

Readability guide           00-20 must try harder.
                            20-40 needsdevelopment
				    40-60 readable
				    60-80 good read
                            80-99 should read
                            100 reserved for my stories :-)

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Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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