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Message-ID: <50566asstr$1109319004@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
From: "Russell Hoisington" <hoisingr@hushmail.com>
Subject: {ASSM} cmsix and the Lapdance {Hoisington} (nosex humor)
Lines: 193
Date: Fri, 25 Feb 2005 03:10:04 -0500
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                     cmsix AND THE LAP DANCE
                        Russell Hoisington

   ************************************************************

This here tale is an eeerotic fantasy of the humorous variety
which I done writ in the vernackulary style of th' area where it
all took place.  So, if'n you don't speak Redneck, y'all are
gonna be lost, 'n' y'all got my deepest sympathies fer bein' so
poorly educated.  The characters, cept'n for th' famous eeerotic
writer cmsix 'n' the briefly mentioned eeerotic writer Naive, 'n'
the situation are purely th' product of my overactive
imagination.  Any similarities y'all might find between this here
tale and any actual people y'all might know, or between this here
story and any actual events that y'all should be ashamed of, are
purely coincidental.

This story is copyright 2005 by Russell Hoisington.  You may post
it freely to non-commercial (free) sites, or in the "free" area
of commercial sites as long as you do not remove the author
information or make any changes to this story.  This does *not*
mean that it is in the public domain, nor does it mean that I
give permission for you to use it in spam advertising.  I reserve
the right to determine what is "spam advertising" by *my*
definition, not yours or anyone else's.

Thank you for your consideration.

   ************************************************************

     Now, when most strangers hear ole cmsix say he's from
Atlanta, Texas, they immediately think two things about him: 
one, he's naive, 'n' two he's dumber'n a ten-penny nail fer
thinkin' Atlanta's anyplace but in Georgia. Th' real Naive
quickly sets 'em straight on that there first point, but ole
cmsix, he don't bother correctin' 'em on that second one.  Why
not?  Well, that's cause one, he's slicker'n thirty-weight, 'n'
two, he's lazier'n a blue-tick hound at mid-day in August.  Them
what knows him real good kin tell you which'n's th' main reason. 
Or, y'all kin jest read th' followin' 'n' make up yer own mind. 

     Sev'ral months ago ole cmsix done wandered into Jim Bob's
Horny Toad Saloon 'n' Bait Shop 'n' wuz sittin' at his usual
table, eatin' peanuts 'n' swappin' some o' his world-famous
stories fer some Lone Star longnecks. All of a sudden th' door
opens 'n' here come this here fancy, long-legged redhead what
looked like she wuz a smugglin' cantaloupes in her tube top. She
wandered over 'n' stopped alongside cmsix, givin' him th' once
over like she wuz a gonna spank him.  If'n her miniskirt had been
a half-inch shorter or her heels had been a half-inch longer, he
coulda told you whether she wuz a real red-head 'n' probly got
hisself a spankin'.  She bent over so that he could watch them
melons a bouncin' around in that there top 'n' put one hand on
each o' his heads, givin' th' little'n a squeeze.  She smiled
real big 'n' said, "Y'all gimme twenty dollars, 'n' I'll do a lap
dance." 

     Well, that sure 'nuff got ole cmsix's attention.  He went
'n' borrowed a dollar each from th' twenty guys what wuz
listenin' to him 'n' give it to th' fancy woman.  That smile o'
her'n got bigger'n his tallywhacker as she bent over agin, pulled
th' top o' that tube top open, 'n' tucked th' money alongside
some more a hidin' 'tween them cantaloupes.  Then damned if she
didn't turn, dance one lap around th' room, 'n' disappear out th'
door. Don'tcha know everbody done went 'n' laughed like they wuz
addled at th' look on cmsix's face 'n' allowed as to how that had
t'be th' darndest thing they'd seen in a month o' Sundays.  Then
they went back to list'nin' to cmsix's tales, pausin' him ever
few minutes so one of 'em could slap Cowpie Jenkins up alongside
th' head when he'd git t' gigglin' like he wuz a newly
de-virginized schoolgirl. 

     A few days later ole cmsix wuz agin swappin' tales fer tall
ones 'n' here she come again, makin' th' same offer as before.
Ole Cooter Scoggins allowed as to how th' look on cmsix's face
th' last time made it worth a dollar to him.  Th' rest couldn't
find no fault in Cooter's logic.  Thirty seconds later th' fancy
woman wuz a dancin' another lap around th' room 'n' disappearin'
out th' door, 'n' everbody wuz a howlin' at th' look on cmsix's
face. 

     Well, damned if this didn't happen another three times, with
th' same result ever time! 

     But th' sixth time she went 'n' reached fer th' twenty
dollars, ole cmsix tightened his grip on it 'n' looked her right
in th' eye.  Now that last woulda been darned near impossible fer
a normal, mortal man, what with them there cantaloupes a dancin'
in front o' his eyes, but THIS wuz cmsix. "Darlin," he said, "how
'bout givin' me a chance t' win th' money back you done took from
me afore?  Let's have us a drinkin' contest.  I'll bet you I kin
finish two beers afore you c'n finish two shots o' rye." 

     "Hell," she said, grinnin' like a drunken possum in a
persimmon tree, "I don't like rye, but even so, that ain't no
contest.  Ain't no WAY y'all kin win!" 

     "That," said cmsix, "is why y'all are gonna bet me a hunnert
dollars against this here twenty." 

     Naturally th' rest o' th' table wuz a foamin' at th' mouth
in anticipation o' seein' th' look on ole cmsix's face at th' end
o' THIS contest. 

     Th' woman fished down betwixt them melons 'n' brought out
five twenties.  Ole cmsix called Wanda June over 'n' placed th'
order fer two shots o' rye.  "An' since she's drinkin' somethin'
what she don't even like, I'll have two mugs o' Labatt's jest to
make it all fair 'n' even like."  Well, don't y'all jest know
whut a commotion THAT caused.  Jim Bob kept a keg of Labatt's on
hand fer th' occasional yuppie tourist what got lost 'n' stopped
fer directions, but nobody in his right mind never DRANK none o'
it. 

     Wanda June put two shots o' rye in front o' th' fancy woman
'n' two mugs o' moosepiss in front o' cmsix 'n' asked who wuz
gonna pay fer it. When cmsix allowed as to how he didn't never
have no money, Cooter had her put it on Arlan Watkins' tab, since
ole Arlan wuz passed out over in th' corner booth 'n' didn't
object none. 

     "Now, here's th' rules," cmsix said.  "We gotta drink all o'
our drinks.  Ain't no spillin' none allowed.  Nobody but us kin
touch our glasses 'n' th' drinks in 'em, 'n' we kin touch only
one o' our own at a time.  Agreed?" 

     Th' fancy woman agreed 'n' they gave their money to Wanda
June to hold since she wuz th' only one either trusted, 'n' with
damned good reason, too. 

     Th' fancy woman grinned 'n' sipped her rye as cmsix went 'n'
pinched his nose shut 'n' slowly swallered th' first mugful o'
moosepiss. When he lowered th' empty mug from his lips, she
tossed down th' rest o' her first shotglass o' rye. 

     Quicker'n a pissed-off rattlesnake ole cmsix's arm lashed
out.  He set th' empty mug over th' fancy woman's full second
glass.  He swallered down th' second mug o' moosepiss, took th'
hunnert 'n' twenty dollars (minus a dollar tip) from Wanda June,
said, "Thank y'all very kindly, ma'am," to th' fancy woman, 'n'
sauntered out th' door awhistlin' "Turn Out th' Lights, th'
Party's Over." 
 
Copyright Russell Hoisington 2005

 
By th' way, if'n y'all wanna check out some o' cmsix's famous
tales fer y'self, y'all kin find 'em at 
 
     http://storiesonline.net
 
Just in case ole Naive sees this, I better mention that he has
some o' his own at
 
     http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/naive/www
     http://storiesonline.net
 
   ************************************************************

     We who write the stories you like to read have received, and
continue to receive, a great amount of support from the people
here at ASSTR (The Alt Sex Stories Text Repository).  ASSTR's
major service is the archiving of our stories to make them
available to you, the readers.  ASSTR is a non-profit
organization and is staffed by volunteers.  This operation is
costly, and the only source of operating income is from
donations.  I ask that you consider donating if you have enjoyed
my stories.  Your donation will help insure they remain available
for all to read at no cost. You can learn more about donating at
this link:

     http://www.asstr-mirror.org/donations.html
   ************************************************************

Russell Hoisington
State of Confusion

Stories archived at
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Hoisington/www
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Hoisington/
http://www.storiesonline.net



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