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Message-ID: <50508asstr$1108599002@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
From: Carlos Malenkov <cmalenkov@yahoo.com>
Reply-To: cmalenkov@yahoo.com
MIME-Version: 1.0
Subject: {ASSM} Bigger [repost] (MF size humor)
Lines: 161
Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2005 19:10:02 -0500
Path: assm.asstr-mirror.org!not-for-mail
Approved: <assm@asstr-mirror.org>
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories
Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d

The "small penis / penis enlargment scam" discussion on assd inspires
me to repost this.
---




BIGGER
(repost)
by Carlos Malenkov
Copyright (c) 2003 by Carlos Malenkov




         From: MagicPanaceas<panaceas@magic-alchemylabs.com>
	 To: undisclosed recipients
	 Subject: BIGGER IS BETTER

	 SIZE MATTERS!
	 More Than You Think!
	 She's just trying to spare your feelings by telling you otherwise!

	 DON'T WAIT TIL SHE'S GONE TO FIND OUT YOU COULDN'T SATISFY HER!


	 Here Are Some FACTS:

	 1. 96.3% of men are unhappy with their current penis size.
	 2. 80.7% of women are unhappy with their partner's penis size.
	 3. Most men would like to enlarge their penis.
	 4. Most men don't believe they can really increase their
	    penis size.
	 5. Secret translations of cuneiform etchings on Hamurabi's tomb
	    prove the ancient Babylonians knew the magic formula for
	    penis enlargement.

	 Our tested and proven PENIS ENLARGEMENT PROGRAM will enable YOU
	 to increase your penis size. Your enhanced, enlarged organ will
	 attract women like a magnet!

	               Just click on REPLY for details.


Peter was out $40. Spammed and scammed -- screwed, blued, and tattoed --
that's what he was. He must have been out of his mind to tranfer the funds
on-line to that spammer. Out of his mind and desperate. Just because his
new girlfriend had complained about lack of sensation was no reason to
blow his hard-earned money on what had to be one of the world's oldest
swindles. Penis enlargement! Yeah.

Well, it was over and done. The money was gone. And he had just received
the package in the mail. Inside was a vial of pills, a small jar of
cream, and a tape cassette. And, oh yes, a couple of xeroxed instruction
sheets. Some program.

         "Take one Growth Pill in the morning. Just before going to bed,
         apply a small amount of Growth Cream to the penis and take
         one more pill. At your bedside, insert the Subliminal Growth
         Cassette into a player set on low volume, then retire as you
         would normally. The tape plays for 45 minutes on each side,
         but the first half hour of it is blank, to allow time for
         you to fall asleep. The last 15 minutes on each side of the
         tape contains special subliminal instruction that primes your
         subconscious to accelerate the penile growth process. IMPORTANT:
         TWO PILLS DAILY IS THE MAXIMUM DOSAGE. EXCEEDING THIS MAY CAUSE
         RUNAWAY AND UNCONTROLLED PENIS ENLARGEMENT."

Out of curiosity, he fast-forwarded the tape to hear the "special
subliminal instruction." He couldn't believe how stupid it was. "Every
day in every way I'm getting bigger." This repeated in cadence every
few seconds. Dumb!

Well, the money was gone. Nothing to lose by trying the Program. Damn,
that cream was greasy. And it smelled like rancid yak butter.

Two weeks later his penis was exactly the same, except maybe for a faint
scent of rancid yak butter. And his girlfriend had asked whether he minded
if she continued to read while he made love to her. Not a pretty picture.

He'd give it one last try. Double the dosage of Growth Pills. Use an extra
glob of greasy Growth Cream. Turn up the volume on the tape player. Oh,
and just for good measure, take a megadose of vitamin C. If that didn't
work, he'd file a fraud complaint against Magic Alchemy Labs and kiss
his money goodbye.



The next morning his penis was sensitive and a little swollen. It hurt
to urinate. A few hours later, though, the discomfort had largely
disappeared. He did his daily measurement. Was it a sixteenth of an inch
longer? Hard to tell. He'd give the Program one more night.

The day after that the soreness was barely perceptible. Urination was
normal. And, yes, YES, he _had_ grown an eighth of an inch in erect
length. Definitely. He increased the pill dosage once more.

A week later his penis was a full inch longer. He walked the streets
with unaccustomed confidence. He asked his boss for a raise . . . and
got it. His girlfriend laid aside her book when he made love to her.
Life was good.

A month later his penis was four inches longer. All his pants were tight
at the crotch. He was a bit embarrassed to walk the streets. Women stared
at him and giggled when he sunbathed at the beach. Because of grievances
filed by female co-workers, his boss transferred him to an all-male
section, with a resultant reduction in pay. His girlfriend compained that
it hurt when he made love to her, then left him for a guy with a smaller,
"friendlier" penis. He discontinued the Program, threw away the remaining
pills and cream, and recorded "Papa Loves Mambo" over the Subliminal
Growth Cassette. It didn't help. His penis continued to grow. And grow.

He called the 800-number listed on the Program instruction sheets.
"I'm sorry, but that number is not in service." Desperate now, he ran
an Internet search for Magic Alchemy Labs . . . and found out that
its president was serving a prison sentence for multiple counts of
fraud. Fraud, hell! The Penis Enlargement Program worked all right.
The trouble was that it worked _too_ well.

A month after that he was even more desperate. The good news was that
the growth of his penis seemed to have slowed. The bad news was that he
now had an 18" penis.

He had to wear a custom-made "athletic supporter" under his pants. The
pants themselves were custom-tailored, with much extra bagginess at the
crotch (A shame codpieces were out of style, he thought). That extra
weight down there was making it awkward to walk, and running was out of
the question.

His boss had fired him for "lewd public display," although his behavior
had been impeccable. He couldn't help that damn bulge down there. He tried
getting a part in a porn film. They laughed at him. "Eight inches is o.k.,
ten even better, even a footlong is fine. But a foot and a half? We make
erotic films here, fellow, not comedies. Try a circus sideshow."

The urologist wasn't much help.

"Penis reduction surgery? Yes, we could try that, but the cure might
be worse than the disease. Side-effects, you know. For one thing,
you'd probably be impotent. And you might have to use a catheter to
urinate. For how long? Maybe the rest of your life."

He'd just have to live with it. Well, considering how many handicapped
persons there were out there, most with more severe infirmities than his,
he should be grateful. He wasn't. He was bitter and disallusioned. A
dream come true had become a nightmare. "Be careful what you wish for
. . . you just might get it."



In the end, things worked out quite nicely for Peter. He found well-paying
work acting in commercials. He's now the spokesman for a leading condom
manufacturer. You've seen him in their television ads. He's the one
saying, "BIG protection for BIG men." And he's a big hit in the demo
booths at the annual Urinal Manufacturers' Association convention.

Oh, yes. His sex life is just fine now, thank you. He found a fellow
victim of Magic Alchemy Labs. She had purchased the Breast Enhancement
Program. The end result was a 70-inch bust, with corresponding enlargement
in the lower regions. This resulted in the world's largest and loosest
vagina. She and Peter were a perfect fit.

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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