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Subject: {ASSM} The Ghosts of Christmas Past, by Frank Downey (MF, rom, seasonal)
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<1st attachment, "christmasghosts.doc" begin>
Copyright 2003 Frank Downey. All rights reserved. Archiving for
personal use is permitted, all other uses, please contact the
author. Do not repost.
THE GHOSTS OF CHRISTMAS PAST
By Frank Downey
"You need to think about this, Eric," Tom, my roommate, told me.
"I don't think it would be good for you to stay in this apartment
alone for a month. Please come home with me for Christmas. My
family would really love to have you."
I told him I'd think about it.
ONE
I grew up loving Christmas. My parents always made it a fun
event. There was just the three of us, and no other family
nearby, but we made it fun. We were never all that religious, but
we understood the peaceful message of Christmas. We also
understood the fun. Mom would cook and bake, and Dad always
decorated the house to the hilt. When I got old enough, I loved
to help him.
My parents were great, anyhow. I was brought up with a lot of
love, and we didn't hurt for anything financially. I had good
friends, the odd girlfriend or two, and enjoyed childhood, right
up until the time I left for college.
It was shortly after I entered college that everything changed.
I grew up about 30 miles south of Boston. I decided to go to
Boston University. Far enough away so that I'd have to live in
the dorms, but close enough so that I could go home and visit
every so often. At first, it was great. My parents drove me up,
helped me bring my stuff into the dorm. I met my roommate, Tom
Devereaux, a cool guy from Vermont. I kissed the folks goodbye,
they headed home.
A couple weeks after I got to school, they decided to fly to Los
Angeles, to visit my Dad's best friend, his old college roommate.
I was happy for them, they hadn't had a vacation with just the
two of them for a long time. They stopped in, early in the
morning, to take me to breakfast on their way to Logan Airport.
Then they headed to the Airport. It was September 11th, 2001.
They were on American Airlines Flight 11.
TWO
I got lucky with a roommate, more than I had realized. I don't
know how I would've gotten through the next couple of months
without Tom's support. That, and my professors at BU, who cut me
a considerable amount of slack. In addition to my grief, I had
lots of stuff to settle. My parents were pretty comfortable,
financially, and they had left everything to me. A lot of my
first semester in college, in between classes, was spent dealing
with their estate and walking around in a fog that they were
dead. My first Christmas as a college student, instead of a
joyous reunion with my parents, was spent selling my childhood
home I couldn't bear to keep it.
As time went on, things got worse. Part of it was how they died.
When your parents die in such a public way, you can never escape
it. I mean, 9/11 was contemporary America's "Day of Infamy." I'd
never know when I'd be flipping channels on the TV and see that
damn plane slam into the tower.
Of course, there was the media. I was a Survivor. How did I feel
about all this? I mean, come on I lost my parents! How did I
feel? You've got to be kidding me. And there was so much
peripheral stuff. I tried to ignore much of it. The President was
sending us into Afghanistan to find Bin Laden. Whatever. There
were survivor's groups organizing to sue somebody the airlines,
the government. Whatever. None of this was going to bring my
parents back. A bunch of dead terrorists in Afghani caves wasn't
going to bring my parents back. Soaking American Airlines wasn't
going to bring my parents back besides which, I wasn't hurting
financially. I just tried to make it all go away.
It wasn't easy. As time went on, as I said, it just seemed to get
worse. I managed to keep my grades up, but that's all I managed.
I know Tom was worried about me. It didn't help that, as freshman
year dawned to a close, I suddenly realized that I would have
nowhere to go when the semester ended, having sold the house. I
luckily found an apartment near campus. Tom went home for the
summer to Vermont, and I spent most of the summer alone in my new
apartment, being miserable.
THREE
Thank goodness Tom agreed to move out of the dorms and room with
me at the apartment I had gotten. The beginning of Sophomore year
wasn't much better especially considering I was confronted with
the First Anniversary. More footage of planes hitting buildings.
More prattle from the talking heads. More media boffins finding
me and asking me, "How do you feel?" One of my favorite singers,
Bruce Springsteen, released the first album with the vaunted E
Street Band in 18 years and I couldn't listen to the fucking
thing, because it was about 9/11.
There were days, and they became more and more frequent, that I
wished I had been on that fucking airplane.
Tom was really worried about me. I knew that. He tried, I'll give
him that. Tried to drag me to parties, to social events, tried to
invite people up to the apartment. It just wasn't working.
It was when he got back to school after Thanksgiving weekend in
Vermont that he tried his last ditch effort getting me to go to
Vermont with him for Christmas.
A few days after he first brought it up, he sat in the chair in
our living room. "Ever been to Vermont?" he asked.
"Don't think so," I told him.
"It's like magic. Especially this time of year. You'll love it."
"I don't know if I'm capable of appreciating it," I sighed.
He looked at me. "Eric? Look, I'm going to lay it on the line.
I'm deathly afraid that I'm going to come back from Christmas
break and find you dead on the bathroom floor, OK?" I just stared
at him. "Really," he continued. "And if I don't at least twist
your arm to come home with me, and that happens, I'm going to
feel responsible. Listen. Nobody can replace your parents. I know
that. But my parents are good people. They want you to come home
with me. They want to pamper you," he grinned.
I managed a weak smile back. "I'm just afraid I'll bring
everybody down."
He grinned. "Don't worry about that. That's not possible, not at
this time of year, not in my family."
"Oh, are your parents into Christmas?"
"Somewhat. Sort of. That's not really it."
"Huh?"
"I'm not telling," he grinned. "You have to come with me and
experience it yourself."
"OK, fine, I give," I said, secretly relieved. Because he was
right. I had been thinking about suicide. I just didn't want to
mess up Tom's Christmas. But he'd twisted my arm hard enough that
I just couldn't say no. "I'll come home with you."
"Great. I'll tell the folks."
FOUR
Our last finals were a week and a half before Christmas,
Thursday, December 13th. We drove right up that afternoon. We'd
anticipated we'd get to his house sometime in the early evening.
Well, it was 9 before we got there we hit snow in Vermont, big
surprise but that was early enough.
Tom lived in a town of about 1500 people in Central Vermont, not
far from Montpelier. We drove through the town, headed for his
house, and I could see it was one of those storybook New England
Village type places, very pretty. We got to his house, and were
greeted by his parents. I'd met them a few times, and it was nice
to see them again. They welcomed me heartily, which, I admit,
felt good. Tom and I brought the suitcases in and were in the
living room, chattering with his parents, when someone came
around the corner.
I'd guessed she was a couple years younger that I (I turned out
to be right she had just turned 18, I'd be 20 in February). She
was about 5'7". She had wavy light brown hair, just past her
shoulders. She was wearing a soft red sweater, pajama bottoms
with Curious George on them, and big pink fuzzy bunny slippers.
That, plus the absolutely stunning smile on her face, led to an
overall endearing effect. When this girl smiled, she smiled all
over. Her eyes lit right up. It was one of the most beautiful
things I'd ever seen.
Who was this?!?!?
"Tommy Boy!" she shouted in greeting, and came over and gave Tom
a big hug and a kiss. Then she looked at me, still smiling.
"Hiya, squirt," he said to her. "This is my roommate, Eric. Eric,
this is my baby sister Kathy."
"Baby?" she snorted at him, then looked at me, smiling again.
"Nice to meet you, Eric," she smiled. "I'm glad you're here."
"Nice to meet you, too," I returned, finding myself smiling back
at her. That made her smile wider. It was almost blinding.
We settled on couches, chatting for a while, about school, about
the trip up. I found out that Kathy was a senior at the local
high school. She was very amusing, smart, and interesting. I
found myself enjoying her company right away.
After a while, she yawned and said, "Well, I'd better go to bed.
Some of us still have school in the morning," she grinned. She
said goodnight to her parents, then hugged Tom. "Welcome home,
big brother." Then she came over to me and hugged me! She even
kissed me on the cheek. "Eric, we're glad you're here," she said
and then she was off.
Tom chuckled, and then said, "C'mon, rooms. Grab your stuff, I'll
show you the guest room." We got up there and he helped me with
my things.
"Had you ever mentioned a sister?" I asked, bemused.
"Oh, probably once or twice. Not that you listen to a tenth of
what I say," he grinned. "Anyhow, you can't just talk about
Kathy, you have to experience her."
FIVE
Over the next couple of days, I got what Tom meant. Kathy was a
trip. As I said, she was 18 but her personality swung between 18;
up to somewhere around 30; and down to, oh, five or so. She was
incredibly bright and very mature but, somewhere in the back of
her mind, she still believed in Santa Claus and fairy tales and
magic. I quickly found out what Tom meant about being impossible
for this family to be 'brought down' by me at Christmas. Most of
that came from Kathy.
She came home from school on Friday to find me perched on the
couch, reading a book. Her parents were working, and Tom had gone
out. "All alone?"
"Yeah, they abandoned me," I grinned.
"You'll have to put up with me, then," she grinned. She went over
to the entertainment center, and found a DVD. She put it in, and
started it up it was It's A Wonderful Life.
"My favorite movie of all time," she sighed.
"That figures," I grinned back. But I couldn't hold the grin. "It
was my mother's, too."
"OH! I'm sorry, Eric, I don't have..." she was reaching for the
remote.
"No," I waved to her. "It's fine. I promised myself I was not
going to spoil any of you people's Christmas."
She put the remote down, and looked at me. "This is tough for
you," she said softly.
"Yeah. My parents loved Christmas. It all reminds me of them." I
sighed. "Last year, I was too busy, and it was too soon, for it
to really hit me. And the year before that, when I was a senior
in high school well, if I had known it was going to be my last
Christmas with my parents, I might have been more pleasant."
"What happened?"
"Melanie happened. We'd been dating for two years. Suddenly, she
decided she didn't want to be 'tied down'. We were supposed to go
to BU together but she suddenly decided she was going to Syracuse
and she didn't want a relationship anymore. This on December
21st, mind you."
"What a bitch," Kathy hissed.
I looked at her, and snorted out a laugh. "Got that right. Oh, it
even gets better. At a New Year's Eve party ten days later, I
found her making out with Dave who had been my best friend since
second grade."
"Jesus."
"Yup. They went to Syracuse together. I heard he later dumped
her, which serves her right, but still. I didn't even go to my
Senior prom, there was nobody else I wanted to go with, and I
wasn't going stag. Anyhow, that seems so insignificant now it's
that I spent what ended up being the last Christmas with my
parents in a complete funk that bothers me now."
"I'm sure they understood," she said.
"They always did," I said softly.
"You loved them very much," she said.
"I did. They were great." I sniffled a bit. "Damn, I miss 'em."
"Does it bother you, talking about them?" she asked. "I mean, I
can shut up..."
"No. Not really," I admitted. "I just don't, you know? Nobody
asks."
"If you ever want to talk, I'm here," she said with a soft smile.
"It's up to you." She smiled wider, and waved at the TV. "So what
are your favorite movies?"
"Oh, either Die Hard, or Terminator."
"Liar!" she laughed.
"Huh?"
"You're lying." She had that blinding smile on again. "You're way
too much of a softy for that. I'll bet it's really Sleepless in
Seattle or some other chick flick."
"A softy? Me?" I said.
"Yup. I see right through you," she grinned.
I didn't admit it right then, but she was right. Except she had
the wrong Meg Ryan chick flick--it was When Harry Met Sally!
SIX
The next day, when I got up, Tom and I went out with his Dad to
buy some stuff they needed for the Christmas decorations. We got
back and Kathy was gone. "Hitting the mall," Mrs. Devereaux
laughed.
She came back about three in the afternoon. "It's snowing!" she
said when she burst in. "I love snow!" She was giggling like a
kid.
"A lot?" her mom asked.
"No, just light, but it's still snowing. I hope it keeps up until
tonight, that'll make it perfect! I love this night anyway, but
it's even better with snow."
"What's tonight?" I asked.
"The Lights Festival on the town common," Tom said.
"Oh, it's wonderful!" Kathy enthused. "They set up the lights all
around the common, and Santa Claus is there, and the school band
plays Christmas Carols, and there's hayrides, and everything!"
She turned to me. "You are coming, right?"
"I'll think about it," I said, but the thought filled me with
dread.
She let it go then. After supper, they were getting ready to go.
I started to head up to my room. I'd decided against going. I
just wouldn't be able to take it, I didn't think.
"You coming?" Tom asked.
"Nah. Not my thing. You folks have a good time," I said, and I
headed to my room.
I was there for a couple minutes, and there was a knock on my
door. Kathy came in.
"Eric?"
"Hi, Kath." She came over, and sat on a chair next to my bed.
"Look. Your parents really liked Christmas, right? Sounds like
they would've liked something like the lights festival."
"No doubt," I said, wondering where she was going with this.
"Look, I know I just met you, and I know this is really
presumptuous, but...." She took a deep breath. "If they felt that
way, do you think they'd be happy about this? Do you think they'd
want you sitting alone in your room, while something like this is
going on, and friends that want your company? Would your parents
have wanted that?"
My God. It felt like I had been slapped.
Kathy must have seen it in my face, because her eyes got wide,
and she said, "Oh, shit. I've said too much. Eric, I'm sorry."
And she was out of my room in a shot.
But she was wrong. It took me a minute to compose myself, and
then I walked out of my room to the top of the stairs. They were
gathering to go out, and Kathy looked upset. "Hey," I said. They
all turned to look at me, especially Kathy. "Would you guys mind
waiting a minute?"
Kathy lit up like those lights we were going to go see. "You guys
go ahead," she said to her parents and brother, "I'll wait." I
went and fetched my shoes and jacket, and headed downstairs. She
was waiting for me. We'd be walking over, it wasn't far.
"Thanks," she said as we headed down the sidewalk. "I thought I
had...."
"Thank you," I interrupted. "Nobody's said that to me. It might
have been the only thing that would've worked. It was like a
wake-up call. You're right, they wouldn't have been happy."
"I'm glad," she said softly.
I grinned. "I even heard, in my head, my Dad with the
punchline."
"Punchline?"
"Yeah. 'A pretty girl wants you to take her on a hayride in the
snow with the Christmas lights and you're saying no? Are you an
idiot?' Believe me, that's just what Dad would have said."
She looked at me and broke up laughing. I laughed back. It felt
good. She held out her arm and I wrapped it in mine, and we
walked towards the common.
When we got there, we found her parents and Tom. Then, suddenly,
two other girls came running up, giggling, and hugging Kathy.
"Hello, girls," Mrs. Devereaux said. The two girls greeted
everyone and turned to me.
"Meet the rest of the posse," Kathy giggled. "This is Lisa and
Becky. Guys, this is Eric, Tom's roommate."
"Hi," Lisa giggled.
"Hello. You didn't tell us that Tom's roommate was cute," Becky
said. Jesus, I was gonna blush!
"Tom didn't tell me," Kathy grinned. "I had to discover his
cuteness by myself." Oh, God! "Anyhow, hands off the cutie he's
mine," Kathy said, wrapping her arm back in mine and leading me
off, the girls giggling behind us.
"I'm yours, huh?" I said.
"Well, for tonight, anyhow," she said sort of sheepishly.
"Good," I said. "You are, after all, the one that dragged me
here."
"And don't you forget it!"
I guess I was surprised at how much fun I had. They did it up
right with the tree lighting. The music was good. And the hayride
around the center of town was great Kathy grabbed my hand and
cuddled up to me while the horses led the wagon around. After
that, we got out and went to find the hot chocolate concession.
We grabbed our cocoa, and sat down on a bench in the middle of
the common. Sitting with Kathy, the lights all around us,
surrounded by the softly falling snow and the happy kids running
around I felt good. Really good.
For the first time in a very long while.
"You're having a good time," she said.
"Yes," I admitted.
"Good," she said. "Mission accomplished."
"More than you know," I told her. I got that blazing smile in
return.
SEVEN
The next day, I was in the living room, when Kathy came in.
"We're going outside to string up the outside lights. You up to
helping?"
"Yeah," I said, and followed her out. It was fun. Afterwards, we
did up the tree.
It could've been weird. Watching them, laughing, sharing the kind
of inside jokes that any family develops over time well, it
could've made me depressed. And it could've made me feel left
out. Tom and his family made sure that that didn't happen
especially Kathy. She got me to help her unstring lights outside.
She sat next to me on the couch while her dad did the lights on
the tree, laughing and giggling and explaining the inside jokes.
She pulled me out to the kitchen to help with the hot chocolate.
After she and their parents had gone to bed, Tom and I were still
up, watching the late football game. "You said something to
Kathy, didn't you?"
"Yeah," Tom admitted, "but she's going above and beyond. I told
her what had happened to you, you know, and that you might have a
little trouble, yes. Kathy's a good person, I knew she'd be nice.
However, I didn't tell her to wrap herself around you like a
clinging vine," he laughed. "That's her own initiative."
"Funny how I don't mind," I chuckled.
"I know you don't," he grinned. "You're actually not morose."
"No."
"What did she say to you when she went into your room last
night?"
"Just, kind of reminded me that my parents wouldn't be happy with
me moping around."
"Huh. I thought of that, but didn't know if I should say it. But
that's Kathy for you. She knows how to say stuff like that," Tom
admitted.
"Yeah," I agreed. "She's something else."
"That she is," Tom agreed with a funny little grin.
Kathy was in school that week, so I only saw her at night. She'd
come home and do her homework, then, after supper, she'd hang
out. Tom's girlfriend Emma came home from Northeastern on Sunday,
so he was out a lot at night with her. After the parents went to
bed, Kathy and I chatted a lot.
We discussed everything. She was smart as a whip, opinionated,
and sure of herself but she still had that little girl quality
that I found altogether endearing.
I remember a discussion about religion. "I don't buy organized
religion, it's all about control," she had said. "And I don't buy
'holy books' and men in the sky and thou shalt nots I don't buy
any of that. But I think there has to be something. I don't think
any of us know what it is or ever will but I think there's
something that binds us together.
"Take Christmas. Yes, it's Jesus' birthday, and that's all
surrounded by the whole organized-religion thing. But take Jesus
as a man, look at what he said. It's all good. He preached peace
and love. Look at the other symbols of Christmas the lights, the
singing, Santa. It's all about love. Screw the commercialism, and
screw the fire-and-brimstone, I don't care about that. Love,
peace, beauty, magic that's what's important. Did you see the
looks on the kids' faces at the common when Santa came walking?
That's magic, pure magic. This is what's important to me.
"That's why I think there's something call it love, call it
magic, call it The Force, whatever. I think some people never
find it. But I think that's what it is."
"You're amazing," I told her sincerely. I got one of those smiles
for my trouble.
We talked like that for a couple hours every night.
Tuesday, at the supper table, we were all talking, and someone
said something about a dance. Kathy suddenly looked up and said,
"Wait a minute! Did anyone tell Eric about the dance?"
"Oops, I forgot," Tom said.
"Dance?" I asked.
"The annual Christmas Dance, this Saturday night," Mrs. Devereaux
informed me. "It's a do. You brought a suit, yes?"
"Yes," I grinned. "You all are going?"
Mr. and Mrs. Devereaux nodded, and Tom said, "Emma and I are all
set to trip the light fantastic."
"You?" I asked Kathy.
"I don't have a date," she said. "I suppose I could go stag." If
that wasn't a blatant hint, I don't know what was.
I was glad to pick up on it, though. "Kathy, could I have the
honor of escorting you to the dance?"
"I'd love you to," she grinned.
Afterwards, while I was sitting in the living room, I heard Kathy
hiss to Tom in a whisper, "You forgot to tell him! I've been
waiting for him to ask me!"
Later, I was sitting with Tom Kathy was in the bathroom and he
grinned at me. "Boy, did she get you. 'I don't have a date!'
Yeah, right. She turned down three guys."
"Huh?" I said.
"Three guys asked her to that dance. She turned them down. She's
very picky."
"But she said yes to me?"
"You figure it out," he grinned.
That's when I had a flash. "Damn, Tom, I appreciate your sister's
help but please tell me she didn't say yes out of pity."
"No. No way. Trust me on that one."
"OK."
When Tom had left, and Kathy was back from the bathroom, she sat
next to me. We were watching old Christmas specials on the TV.
After a while, she quietly said, "Thanks for asking me to the
dance. I really didn't want to go alone."
I wondered if I should say anything. I finally decided to. "Tom
tells me you didn't have to, you had other offers."
"He told you that?" she blurted. "Well, anyhow, wasn't anyone I
wanted to go with, is all."
"Well, thanks for saying yes, then," I grinned.
EIGHT
It wasn't a formal formal dance. In other words, no tuxes and the
dresses were 'nice' but not prom dresses.
Kathy's dress was really nice, a lovely pale blue thing. Since I
didn't have my car we drove here to Vermont in Tom's we went with
Tom and Emma. That was fine Tom and Emma had been dating since
sophomore year in high school and, since she went to
Northeastern, which wasn't far from BU, I saw her all the time.
She was cool. I had to admit that she and Tom made a great
couple.
It was a dinner dance, so we settled in at a table with the
Devereaux's, and Emma's parents. After dinner, it was time for
some serious dancing. I'm no great dancer, but I'm decent, and
Kathy was pretty much on my level. It was fun.
The funny thing was, I guess exactly what Kathy was up to hadn't
hit me. Tom reassured me she didn't come here with me out of pity
but I still was thinking she was just being a friend, making sure
I enjoyed myself.
The first hint I got that things weren't quite as they seemed to
me was on that dance floor. A number of guys asked to cut in. I
was a gentleman, so was willing. Kathy cut them all off at the
pass. These were guys she obviously knew friends. And she didn't
want to dance with a single one of them.
I got another hint when she did accept a cut-in. Her friend Becky
danced over to us, with her boyfriend Mike. Mike asked for a
dance with Kathy, who answered, "Of course but Eric has to dance
with Becky." I laughed and agreed.
Becky was a little harder to dance with only because she was
rather petite and I was six feet tall but we managed. After we
got going, Becky grinned at me and said, "Don't worry, by the
way. Mike and Kathy have been friends for a very long time and
Mike and I have been a couple since seventh grade."
"Seventh grade? That's amazing. But why would I worry?"
"It is pretty amazing," Becky smiled, "but Mike and I are just
like that. Joined at the hip since twelve years old," she
giggled. "Anyhow, as for the other thing, I didn't want you to
think Mike was making time with Kathy."
"That's really none of my business, isn't it? Kathy's just being
a friend."
Becky glared at me. "Boy, are you clueless."
"Huh?"
"All right," she sighed, "I really should cut you some slack,
because you don't know Kathy well. Let me clue you in. First of
all, I'm shocked to see her here with you. Second of all, I was
really shocked to see how she was with you at the Lights
Festival. She was cuddling you, holding your hand."
"I just thought she was bubbly and affectionate."
"She is," Becky agreed, "but only with people she really, really
trusts. For a very long time, that's been her parents, Tom, Lisa,
myself and to a lesser extent Mike. Notice how Mike is the only
person besides you she's danced with? If it weren't for you, the
only people here she'd allow that kind of contact with are Mike,
Tom, and her Dad.
"Mike's safe, he's mine and she knows it," Becky grinned. "Tom
and her Dad are safe for obvious reasons. You're not safe.
Frankly, I'm flabbergasted. But, let me assure you, it's not
friendship or good samaritanism or anything like that. I know her
better than that. Except for me, Lisa, and Mike, she keeps
friends at a very far distance."
"What are you trying to say?"
"Those are questions you're going to have to ask her. I've
probably said too much as it is. I just wanted you to have a clue
as to the score."
Just then, the song ended, and Kathy and Mike drifted back over
to us. "Good, here's yours, gimme mine back!" Kathy giggled. Mike
bowed to her gallantly, and scooped Becky back up. I took Kathy
in my arms.
I thought about what Becky had said the whole time we danced.
Afterwards, Tom dropped Kathy and I off and went to take Emma
home. We knew he'd be there for a while, and Kathy's parents had
already returned and headed off to bed, so Kathy and I sat on the
couch. She immediately snuggled up to me.
"Had a interesting conversation with Becky while we were
dancing."
"Really?" she said. "About what?"
"You, mostly."
"What did she say?" Kathy said, with a catch in her voice I
couldn't miss.
"Oh, not much. Just that you seemed to trust me, and that Becky
was very surprised by that but she wouldn't say why."
"Oh," she said, subdued. "It's kind of complicated."
"That's OK, you don't have to say anything."
"I will. Just not right now, OK?"
"Up to you," I told her.
"OK," she sighed, and snuggled back up into me. We stayed that
way until it was time for bed.
NINE
Over the next day, and the day after which was Christmas Eve I
started noticing a few things. I think they'd been going on all
along, but I hadn't really noticed, because I thought Kathy was
just being friendly.
The big thing was the touching. She was constantly touching me.
Putting her hand on mine, or touching my shoulder. Snuggling into
me while we were sitting together. Holding hands when we were in
the mall doing last-minute shopping. Innocent stuff, mind you but
very affectionate.
Besides the touching, there were the little looks she was giving
me.
How did I feel about all this? I wasn't quite sure. On one hand,
the whole idea scared the shit out of me. On the other hand, the
days I'd spent here were the happiest I'd been since my parents
died and she was the main reason for it.
Christmas Eve, a bunch of us went to the mall to do that last
minute shopping. Mine was mainly that I wanted to buy something
for her. I thought and thought, and finally came up with
something.
After supper, Kathy, Tom, and their friends invited me along for
another tradition the group of them had started a few years back
going around the neighborhood singing Christmas carols. I went
along, though I told Kathy I was no great singer. "That's OK,"
she laughed, "you've got to be better than Lisa. And she's loud!"
We had a great time and Kathy was still with the touching. Held
my hand, wrapped my arm around hers, and the like, the whole time
we were out. The snow had started falling again, just a little.
We laughed, sang, just had a blast. We got back to the house and
had hot chocolate. After the crowd dispersed, we headed up to
bed.
I was reading, when there was a knock on my door. "Can I come
in?" Kathy asked softly. "Sure," I said, and in she came, dressed
in a flannel robe and those pink fuzzy slippers. I was propped up
on my bed, leaning against the headboard, reading. She came and
sat on the end of the bed.
"We need to talk."
"OK," I replied.
She took a breath, and started talking. "You asked me a question
the other day, after the dance about what Becky had said. I need
to answer it, and to explain things. What Becky was talking about
was this I don't have a lot to do with guys. I avoid them. Once
bitten, twice shy, you know? Well, I've been twice bitten.
"I've had two boyfriends in my life freshman year, and sophomore
year. Look, I'm a sensual person and always have been. Sex isn't
any kind of bad thing to my mind, and discussions about it have
never been taboo in this house my parents are cool. I've been
open to the possibility since I was 12. So, when I had that first
boyfriend freshman year well, after the appropriate time and the
appropriate steps, we had sex. Understand, I was completely
willing and it was a whole hell of a lot of fun. Having sex
itself, I don't regret.
"It happened three times. Then he dumped me. The reasons he gave
were awfully flimsy. I didn't misunderstand he got what he came
for, so he was moving on. Simple as that."
"Jesus," I hissed.
She nodded. "Yup. And then it happened again, Sophomore year. He
was even quicker on the draw. The day after we had sex for the
first time, he dumped me. What was worse was they both talked.
Everybody at school knew that I had slept with two guys before my
sixteenth birthday. Guess what that made me? The school slut."
"Oh, damn, Kathy," I moaned in sympathy.
She gave me a sad little smile. "Don't misunderstand me, this is
no big tragedy. You know me. My basic personality is
happy-go-lucky, and all this didn't change any of that. I kept my
head high and ignored the slurs, and it all died out after a
while. And since the second guy had been most responsible for the
rumors, I made sure I spread it all around that he was a lousy
lay." I snorted a laugh in surprise, and she giggled in return.
"It wasn't a lie, either. My first boyfriend was much better.
Anyhow, I'm not a sad sack over it and it doesn't affect me.
Except when it comes to guys. I'm wary. I'm not going out with
anyone that asks, I'm not letting a little infatuation lead me
down that path anymore. I'm waiting for Prince Charming."
"Prince Charming doesn't exist," I laughed.
"I'm talking about my Prince Charming, my Santa Claus, my
personal guy that makes all my dreams come true. Eric, don't you
believe in magic?"
"No," I said.
"Did you, before?"
Before my parents died, she meant. "That's a good question," I
said. "Maybe."
"I think you did. And I think deep down inside you still do.
Look, there's evil in the world, and the evil exists in people's
minds. Your parents were killed by evil people. Not even magic
can do anything about that. Hey, those two guys did nasty things
to me not nearly on the same scale as being killed by terrorists,
I know that. But it was small-scale evil. It didn't make me stop
believing in magic."
"I'll have to think about that one," I mused. "It almost sounds
like your saying that magic can't fix everything, the way you see
it."
"Here's another way to put it," she said. "Love doesn't conquer
all it only conquers the willing. You have to be open to it.
Those terrorists had too much hate in their hearts to be open to
love. My boyfriends had too much lust, I guess but they weren't
open to it. If you're open to it, it'll find you."
I thought about that one for a minute, then said something that
I'd barely even allowed myself to think, much less say out loud.
"My problem with that is, everyone that I love goes away."
"I know," she said softly. "But you can't stop trying."
I took a breath, then changed the subject I thought. "Well, so,
tell me what are you going to do when you meet your Prince
Charming?"
"I guess that's partially up to him since I've already met him."
She looked right into my eyes, and my jaw dropped. "I met him
almost two weeks ago. And it's been such a short period of time,
and I can't believe how fast it happened, but it did." Still
looking at me, she took a deep breath, and said it. "Eric, I'm
head over heels in love with you. You're my Christmas miracle."
"What?" I croaked.
"I think I knew it right away," she said. "I know I knew it the
night of the lights festival. Do you realize what you did to me
that night? When I came up here, and said what I said, I thought
I had blown it. I went downstairs practically in tears. And then
you told me it worked. And you went with me to the festival, and
it was like watching a chick break out of its shell." Her voice
dropped into a hoarse whisper right then. "I saw your soul that
night. And it's beautiful."
She looked down. "And I know you're not as open to it as I am,
and I know why, and I understand. But I just couldn't hold this
in any longer. Look, Tom's been your closest confidant since your
parents died." I nodded. "And he told me, last night, that, since
you came here, it's like you're a different person. And he was
guessing that it wasn't him or Mom and Dad that were
responsible."
"He's right," I admitted, "but, well, it's what I said before."
"I know," she smiled. "I can't make promises. I certainly can't
promise not to die, nobody can do that." I looked at her in
shock. "Believe me, if I could, I would. But I can't. And, deep
down, you know it. All I can promise is that I love you and take
it from there. But I know this you love me, too. I'm your
Christmas miracle as surely as you're mine. You're just more
scared than I am. Don't think for a minute that I'm not, by the
way you have no idea what it took for me to do this."
"No, actually, I do," I grinned. "I can see it in your eyes." She
grinned back, a wee bit relieved. "Look," I went on, "I guess I
knew this. I had an idea what was going on, especially after I
talked to Becky." I took a breath. "Kathy, I don't know if I've
been this happy in my life. I know I haven't been this happy
since my parents died. I'm falling in love with you." I closed my
eyes, and croaked, "The problem is, I'm not sure I want to."
"Too late," she grinned.
"Not if it doesn't go any further."
"Bullshit. Listen to me. Imagine this you give in. We spend the
rest of the three weeks you're going to be here in complete
bliss. You head back to Boston. When you get there, you find out
I got run over by a bus. How would you feel?"
"JESUS CHRIST, KATHY!" I blurted, holding my head in my hands.
"I'm making a point. Listen to me. Now, imagine this. You don't
give in. I back off. We keep a respectful distance for the rest
of the time you're here. You head back to Boston. When you get
there, you find out I got run over by a bus. Is the feeling any
different?"
I looked at her in absolute, utter shock. "Oh, God, Kathy," I
moaned.
"It's not any different, is it?" she said quietly.
"No," I admitted.
"Love is love. You can't close yourself off from it forever,
because you're just too loving a person. I think you know that
now. Neither can I, I've found out. And there's one other thing
to consider."
"What's that?" I asked.
She got a little twinkle in her eye. "Well, considering what you
told me the night of the lights festival if you turn me down what
would your father say?"
I gaped at her, and then, I couldn't help it. I started laughing.
"Damn, how do you manage to say the right things?" I laughed. She
just grinned at me, Cheshire Cat-like. "You're right. I think the
word 'idiot' would come out of his mouth multiple times."
"Do you know how nice it is to see you laughing about your
parents?" she said.
That statement hit me right between the eyes. After that, I
couldn't help myself. I was sitting propped on the headboard, and
she was on the edge of the bed at the foot, and I just launched
myself at her, wrapping my arms around her and holding her tight.
She quickly joined me. "You're a miracle," I whispered.
"So are you," she whispered back. "Christmas Magic," she giggled.
"As long as it doesn't go away on New Year's Eve," I laughed.
"Not a chance." She unwrapped herself from the embrace, gently
pushing me away while giggling, then stood up. She kicked off the
fuzzy slippers, and then her hands went to the buttons on her
flannel robe. They were quickly undone, and she shed the robe.
And my jaw hit the floor.
Underneath that modest robe, she was wearing a diaphanous nearly
translucent white baby-doll. It was cut low in the front, and the
hem barely got to the top of her thighs. The nighty was
see-through enough for me to see what she was wearing underneath
it not a thing. I could see the gentle swell of her breasts and
the dark vee in the shadows between her thighs. And, even with
all that, most clearly, I could see her smile.
"My God, it's my very own Christmas Angel," I gasped.
"All yours," she giggled, moving back towards the bed. She draped
herself over my lap. "Eric? Make love to me, please."
Considering what she'd told me earlier, this was the most
breathtaking display of love and trust I'd ever seen. All I could
do was return it. I reached for her, and drew her into me. Our
lips met.
Christmas Magic, no doubt about it. It's like our souls connected
through our kiss. The kiss deepened, our tongues gently
caressing, as my hands roamed over her back, and hers over mine.
I let one hand move towards her front, and gently fondled her
breast through the nightie. She moaned into my mouth. I broke the
kiss, and moved my lips to her neck, gently sucking on it while
as she gasped and moaned into my ear. My hand slipped down and
moved up underneath her nightie, grasping her bare breast. She
moaned deeper. Then she reached for the hem of her nightie, and
tried to pull it over her head. My head, which was attached to
her neck, was in the way, so I moved it as she giggled.
She sat in front of me in all her magnificence. She was just
perfect. I didn't get much time to admire her just then, though,
as she was quickly reaching for the hem of my tee shirt. That,
plus my sweatpants, were quickly discarded. Clothes gone, both of
us naked, we melded back together, kissing again. Our hands
roamed everywhere. One of mine was fondling her boob, gently
brushing the erect nipple with my thumb. She moaned into my mouth
again, then I felt her hand go in between my legs, wrapping
around my erect cock.
I started kissing down her neck, headed right for her nipple. I
took it in my mouth, and she groaned again. I sucked on her
nipple for a while, then headed lower. When I sunk my face in
between her thighs, she gasped. Then I took my tongue and pulled
it along her labia. She groaned, deep and long.
"Oh, God, Eric, I've never...oh GOD!" I kept it up, flicking her
clittie on every other upstroke. She jerked every time I did it.
It didn't take long at all before she stiffened, crying my name,
as her hips rocketed off the bed.
I got out from between her legs, kneeling in front of her.
"Jesus!" she hissed. "God, Eric, nobody's ever done that to me
before!"
"Did you like it?" I asked.
"Hell yes!" she roared. "God. That was incredible. But now I need
you to make love to me." I smiled at her, moving my body in
between her legs. I was just about over her when the alarm clock
on the side table beeped. We both looked at it it was the hourly
chime. It was exactly midnight.
"Merry Christmas," she whispered, smiling, at me.
"Merry Christmas," I smiled back.
She reached between her legs, grabbed for my cock, and tugged.
Smiling wickedly, she said, "OK, Santa Claus, time to come down
my chimney!"
And, yes, it is possible to push your dick into a girl's pussy
while you're both laughing. Not easy, but possible.
The laughing stopped quickly as soon as the head of my dick
slipped past the ring of her opening. She gasped, and I moaned.
Looking up at me with fire in her eyes she said, "Oh, God. Go
slow, OK? It's been a while."
"For me, too," I agreed, then started moving slowly into her. I
did go slow, but she opened up to me completely. She was tight,
but warm and very wet, and I slid in easily. My problem was
holding back. It was like every inch of her pussy walls were
nibbling on my dick. The sensations were incredible. She felt it,
too, judging from her moans and squeaks as I slid into her. When
I hit bottom, I stopped for a minute.
"Oh, Eric!" she gasped. "Oh, honey, that feels so good!" Then she
looked at me, and grinned. "Feels a little bit too good to you,
doesn't it?"
"I'm fine," I said, not without strain. "Just don't move for a
minute."
She snorted out a giggle, then caught herself. Yeah, that's all
I'd need. She smiled, and said, "It's OK, you know."
"I know. But, I'd like it to last a little longer." It was
actually getting better, stopping deep in her had taken the edge
off.
"Just think of something else," she said, with a grin. Then she
started singing softly. "You better watch out, you better not
cry...."
"If you make me laugh, I'm gonna lose it, you little minx!" I
told her.
She reached up and pulled me down to her by my shoulders, smiling
delightedly. "Damn, I love you."
"I love you, too," I told her.
"Good. Make love to me. I know it's been a while for you, so if
it's quick you'll just have to do it again!"
I grinned, and started moving, slowly, in and out of her. The
stopping did take the edge off, and I was able to hold on.
Luckily, because she was close. It didn't take long before she
moaned and stiffened beneath me. I felt her pussy clamp on mine,
and knew that was going to just about do it. As I plunged into
her, reaching for my own climax, she was coming off hers.
Grinning, she leaned into my ear and sang, "Santa Claus is
cumming...right now!" Her timing was just about perfect.
Afterwards, we were lying on the bed, all arms and legs wrapped
around one another. "Do you have to sneak back into your room?" I
asked.
"No. I'm a big girl."
"Good." We fell asleep quickly.
TEN
I woke up in the unaccustomed position of having a lovely lady
draped all over me. I smiled to myself and kissed her forehead.
"Hmmmmppph?" she mumbled.
"Sorry, didn't mean to wake you."
Her eyes flew open, and then she grinned at me. "Well, hello,"
she purred. "What a nice thing to wake up to."
"Ditto," I replied.
"Are you OK?" she asked tentatively.
"Never better," I told her. And it was the truth. "You were right
everything you said, you were right. It's time for me to start
living again. And I love you."
"Oh, Damn, Eric, you have no idea how happy that makes me." She
sniffled a little, and then gave me that blinding smile again.
"Too bad it's Christmas there will be people looking for us soon,
so we don't have time for a quickie."
"Hold that thought until tonight. And it won't be no quickie."
"Goody!"
Just then, there was a knock at the door. "Hey, buddy, time to
get up!" It was Tom. "We got stuff to do."
"Be right there," I yelled.
"OK," Tom said, then I heard him yell, "No Mom, I haven't seen
Kathy!"
"Whoops," Kathy giggled. "Hold on, love, I'll take care of this."
She got out of the bed, and threw her robe and fuzzy slippers
back on. And walked out the door. Right into Tom.
"Kathy?" Tom said, eyes goggling.
"Hi, big brother. Go tell Mom you found me. You might want to
hold off telling her where though," she giggled. "I have to go
get cleaned up, so to speak." And she was off, still giggling.
Tom watched her go, then turned to me. "Merry Christmas," I said
to him, trying for nonchalance.
"More merry for some of us," he laughed.
"Sorry," I said.
"For what? Just tell me something you do know Kathy's in love
with you, right?"
"Yeah. The feeling's mutual."
"In other words, you're not just using my sister for a piece."
"No WAY! That's not my style to begin with."
"Good. That's all I wanted to know," he said. "Now get up, it's a
long day." He took off. Shaking my head and chuckling, I headed
for a shower.
After getting dressed, we all met in the living room, around the
tree. Tom's Mother had cooked some excellent brunch food, and we
ate it as we opened presents.
They had all gotten me something, which surprised me. It was very
nice. Kathy got me two beautiful sweaters that I instantly loved.
"I guessed on the size a bit," she told me. She had guessed
perfectly. I slipped one on and it fit perfectly, warm and
comfortable.
I had gotten them all something, too, which surprised them. Hey,
after this hospitality? I got Mr. and Mrs. Devereaux, after a tip
from Tom, a gift certificate to their favorite restaurant. Tom
himself I got two tickets to an upcoming Bruins game both he and
Emma were hockey freaks. As for Kathy, after much deliberation, I
had gotten her a necklace. A gold heart pendant, on a gold chain,
the pendant inscribed, "Thank you. Love, Eric." Even before I had
admitted how I felt about her, I needed to thank her. I guess I
was admitting it when I bought it just the same. In any case, it
was a huge hit Kathy gave me a watery kiss.
As the gift-opening unfolded, Kathy and I had settled on the
loveseat in the living room, sitting very close together,
periodically touching or holding hands. That's when I realized
the jig was up.
"So, Kathy," Mrs. Devereaux said with a grin, looking at us,
"where were you this morning?"
"I was here," she said.
"But I went to wake you, and you weren't in your room, or in the
bathroom, or down here. So where were you?"
Kathy gulped, and said, "Oh, that. Well, I went to wake Eric
up."
"Oh, so you went to Eric's room to wake him up," Mrs. Devereaux
said. "When was that about eleven o'clock last night?" Oh SHIT!
Poor Kathy almost dropped her coffee cup!
"Uh, Mom," she sputtered.
"Oh, relax, would you?" Mrs. Devereaux laughed. "You think I
didn't see this coming from the minute Eric walked in the door?
You two are good for one another."
"Uh, yeah, we are," Kathy blurted, and we both relaxed.
The Devereaux's had Christmas dinner, without fail, at Mrs.
Devereaux's parents' house. Mr. and Mrs. Collins welcomed me with
open arms, as everyone else had done. There were all kinds of
aunts and uncles and cousins about, the place was a zoo, and I
was never going to get all the names right! Kathy just laughed
and led me around.
The food was magnificent and endless. It was a bigger gathering
that I'd been used to, but it was warm and welcoming. For the
first time in a year and a half, I felt part of a family, even if
it wasn't mine. They all made sure of that, Kathy most of all. It
was almost overwhelming. Kathy's grandmother said, at one point,
to me, "You make sure you come to my house every Christmas, you
understand?" I didn't mind the sound of that at all.
Later in the day, Kathy and I were cuddling in a corner. Her
cousin Nicole, who was 13, came over to us. "Kathy, is this your
boyfriend?" she asked.
"Yes. Eric is my boyfriend," she said happily.
"I sure am," I agreed, happy as a clam.
We went home that night, happy but tired. Kathy went right with
me to my room. Her parents knew, and just smiled. "They like you
a lot, and, like Mom said, they know we're good for each other,"
Kathy said.
After another passionate lovemaking session, my final fears came
out.
"I've been thinking," I said. "I'm here for, what, a few more
weeks? What happens then?"
"Well," Kathy said, "I have a week off in February. I'll come to
Boston. You have a week off in March. You can come here. April
vacation, I'll go to Boston. The summer's open, but you'll love
it up here in the summer, and my parents would welcome you with
open arms."
"What about after? You'll be in college."
She looked at me. "Nobody told you? Tom didn't tell you? I
thought you knew."
"Knew what?"
"I've already been accepted, early decision, to BU."
"Hot damn!" I exclaimed, and gave her a kiss. She laughed, kissed
back, and then snuggled with me for a while. We were just lost in
thought, and I got a bit misty. I sniffled.
"You OK?" she asked.
"Fine," I said. "Just thinking."
"About your parents," she said. I nodded. "Eric, think happy
thoughts about your parents."
"I am. I do. But, well," I took a breath. "What I was just
thinking was how much they would've loved you."
"Oh," she said. After a minute, she let out a sniffle of her own.
"I'm sorry I never got to meet them," she said softly.
"So am I. But they know. They know," I told her at peace, for the
first time in a long while.
ELEVEN
The rest of that time just flew by. On New Year's Eve, at a party
at Emma's, a slightly inebriated Tom spilled the beans.
"I knew it," he grinned drunkenly, looking at Kathy sitting on my
lap. "I knew it. That's why I brought you."
"Huh?" I said.
"I brought you home for vacation for two reasons," Tom said. "One
was the one I told you you needed this, you needed family. But
Kathy was the other reason. I knew you two would end up
together."
"You're kidding," I said, looking at Tom and then at Kathy.
"Hey, don't look at Kath, she's as surprised about this as you
are this was all my own doing. And I didn't do anything, I just
threw you two together. And look at you you're all over one
another. Am I good, or what?" he chuckled. "You two can thank me
later. Name your first child Tom, or something." And with that,
he stumbled off in search of Emma.
Kathy looked down at me, then started laughing. "Damn. He's never
going to let me live this down," she said.
"You don't mind." I told her.
"You're right," she agreed.
The rest of the year, after I left, went just as Kathy had
outlined. She came to Boston for her February and April
vacations. I went to Vermont for Spring Break. Then I spent the
whole summer there. In the fall, she came to BU. She lived in the
dorm freshmen at BU are required to but she didn't spend a whole
lot of time there. Tom's smugness about 'getting us together' was
actually a good thing he couldn't say anything about his roommate
sleeping with his sister in the next room if he was responsible
for it, right?
The pain never went away. Does it ever? But what I was able to do
was to put it in a place where I could deal with it. My parents
wouldn't have wanted anything else. They would've been thrilled
seeing me so much in love.
So, after the first semester, we headed back to Vermont for
Christmas. We did the lights festival and the dance again, had
another wonderful Christmas Day at her grandparents', the whole
bit.
This year, I gave her my Christmas present on Christmas Eve, in
my bed, in private.
It was an engagement ring. She howled, threw herself at me, and
screamed "Yes!" over and over again while kissing me all over.
Then she jumped up and ran downstairs, where Tom and her parents
were still awake. She had to show the ring off. After a promise
from us that, yes, we were both going to continue our schooling,
they all reacted with delight.
And somewhere, even if it was only in my heart, my parents were
smiling.
Merry Christmas.
--fin
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