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From: Susan Soulcatcher <susan_soulcatcher@juno.com>
Subject: {ASSM} Confidence by Susan Soulcatcher - FM nosex
Date: Fri, 28 Nov 2003 15:10:04 -0500
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Touch Me?  Please?
Susan Soulcatcher
=================

Confidence
Is a word
In every dictionary
Except mine.

Without it,
I fear.
I cannot
Reach out.

I huddle.
Deep within
I scream
In lonely pain.

'Touch me.  Help me.'  The words never pass my lips as I make my
purchase.  The young man at the checkout smiles as he carefully
counts my change into my hand.  "Have a nice day, Maria."  He
hands me my bag of ramen noodles and I nod my head in embarrassed
thanks.

He surprises me by not letting go immediately.  "You're my last
customer.    Join me for dinner at the chinese buffet?  I'll
buy."

I jerk my head up and stare at him.  I blurt the first thing that
comes to my confused mind:  "I don't know your name!"

He releases my bag and touches his name tag solemnly, as if this
were the first time we've seen each other.  "Nathan."

"Oh."  I feel the heat of my blush.  Once a week I scuttle from
my apartment to buy enough packages of ramen noodles to last me
through the next week.  Months of this routine has made Nathan
just another faceless, unnamed person in the blur I call 'my
life'.  I didn't *want* to know his name, and I know it.

I suspect he knows--or he wouldn't have been so solemn.

I want to turn away.  I want to run.  A man has noticed me.  Why?
 What does he want from me?  What does he see in me?  Instead of
giving in to the impulse to run and hide I bend my head and study
my food.

I hunger.

I yearn.

I decide.

"Yes."  Did he hear me?  I know I struggled to utter it.  I
choked on it.  My fear made it a mere breath of sound.  I force
myself to look at his face.

He smiles!

He gently touches my hand with his.  "Good.  Wait right there. 
OK?"

His touch freezes me with its gentleness.  Numb, nervous, scared
to the depths of my soul--I nod my agreement.

Just before he locks the door he pauses and looks at me.  "You
can't take your bag in.  Would you like to leave it here?  We can
come back for it after dinner."

My hands clench in fear.  'No!  What if he doesn't let me get it?
 I'll starve!'

"I..."  I'm shaking as I whisper my dilemma.  "It's all I have to
eat for the next week."

"I understand.  Let me think..."

I watch as he nods slightly before he pulls out his wallet.  I
stare at him as he removes a twenty and holds it out.  "Here. 
Yours.  Just in case."

"I can't."

"I insist."  He laughs.  "You need it worse than I do.  I won't 
miss it, honest."

I shake my head in denial.

He sighs and tries again.  "A business deal, then.  Maria, I'd
like to buy that bag of noodles from you--for twenty dollars."

"You're crazy!"

"Yep.  And hungry.  Do we have a deal?"

I finally laugh.  "Deal."  He hands me the twenty and I solemnly
hand him the bag, which he carefully sets inside the door before
he locks it.  With a grand gesture he waves me forward.  "Dinner
awaits."

It feels good when he takes an extra step so he can hold the door
open for me.  The smells make me want to swoon with delight. 
'Mine!  All mine!'

"Two."  He pays for the meals and gestures me ahead of him as the
waitress leads us to our table.  I barely notice as he thanks
her.

I head for the food.  "Where do I start?"

"Sample?  It's what I do the first time."

I take his advice. The food is threatening to spill from my plate
when I finally return to the table and sit down across from him.
My hunger makes me rude and I eat the first plate without saying
anything.  I can feel him studying me but he eats without asking
the questions I know he must have.

I'm halfway through my second plate of food when I remember my
manners.  "Thank you."

"No problem.  My pleasure."

I start to duck my head and suddenly, angry with myself and
filled with a burning curiosity, I force myself to focus on his
face.  Prepared for anything, I ask him:  "Why?"

"You want the truth?  Or social pleasantries?"

"Truth."

His answer stuns me. "Been there.  Someone helped me and made me
promise to help if I ever met someone in the same position."

I gape as he reaches across and enfolds my hand in his.   "Sorry
it took me so long to decide I should get involved.  Forgive me?"

Tears fill my eyes as I nod.  "Forgiven."

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Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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