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Subject: {ASSM} RP Tom Bombadil - The Absolutely Astounding Adventures of Angelica Ahsmacker [ M/F, silliness ]
Date: Thu, 16 Oct 2003 23:10:08 -0400
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(This story follows in the vein of the 60's TV shows _Batman_, _The 
Green Hornet_, etc. as a rather tongue-in-cheek badguy-vs-goodguy campy 
comedy.  Caution: beware of rampant alliteration!) 


Reposted with permission

Goldberry
Goldberry12spam@hotmail.spamcom (you can figure this out :)

Emails to me or posts to ass.d will also be read by Tom.

Enjoy!


The Absolutely Astounding Adventures of Angelica Ahsmacker  
[ M/F, silliness ]
Short Story #22
by Tom Bombadil (c) 1997


Disclaimer:  All the standard rules apply.  If you are offended by 
explicit descriptions of sex or the human body, if it is illegal to 
possess such materials at your location, if you are under-age by law in 
your location, or if somebody else thinks you might have too much fun 
reading it, stop right now and remove this text from your computer.

This is purely a work of fiction, with all characters and actions 
described by me coming straight out of my imagination.  As a work of 
fiction, it does not condone or condemn any of the activities or actions 
described, nor does it relate to any type of real events in my life, or 
known to me in the lives of any of my friends or relatives.

You've been warned.

I give permission for anyone to share or archive this story.

********************************************************************

IMPORTANT!  This program is being narrated.  Pick the speaker of your 
choice - the guy that did The Perils Of Penelope Pureheart, the guy that 
did the Batman t.v. series, or the guy that did Lifestyles of the Rich 
and Famous - and have him read it to you.  I've got all three under 
contract, so there's no problem getting one of them to your place.  Just 
let me know what address they should be at and when they should be 
there.  Failing that, you'll just have to make do with the inexperienced 
Mr. Yobvious.

********************************************************************

Welcome back boys and girls.  This is your friendly neighbourhood 
narrator, Patten T. L. Yobvious, with another episode of our favourite 
damsel in distress, Angelica Ahsmacker, along with her faithful 
sidekick, Tiny Silvertongue.

In episode 68, we left Angelica and Tiny way up near the top of Peaceful 
Valley, in an old, abandoned sawmill.  Only, they found out the hard way 
that it wasn't so abandoned anymore.  It was, in fact, the secret 
headquarters of that arch-villainess Venoma Tart.  Taken unawares by her 
band of thugs, they were still making a good accounting of themselves - 
well, Tiny was making a good accounting of himself and Angelica was 
screaming quite musically - when Venoma herself threw a serpent's kiss 
knockout grenade into the middle of the fray. 

Poor Angelica woke up to find herself tied hand and foot, face up on top 
of a log, with her legs secured on either side of it.  The log was 
sitting on top of a conveyor belt.  The conveyor belt ran through the 
middle of a weird mechanical contraption which had lots of weird jointed 
arms on its sides, then ran under a large circular saw, and then 
disappeared through a large hole in the far wall.  Angelica only had to 
lift her head to have a perfect view of both the contraption and the 
saw, framed between her upthrust breasts.

Tiny woke to find his six-foot-four-inch body tied hand and foot and leg 
and arm and everything else.  He was just in time to hear Venoma 
gloating to Angelica about how she was going to one-up that miserable 
excuse for an evil scientist Dr. Froiderich Von Dammen, and to see her 
push a button which started the sawblade turning, the weird contraption 
vibrating, the weird jointed arms flailing, and the conveyor belt 
moving.

Then, just as we were cutting away, Venoma pulled up the brief hem of 
her black dress, plopped down into a chair, spread her legs wide, and 
started playing with her poisonous pudenda as she laughed villainously 
at the plight of our poor heroine.

So now, without further delay, I bring to you the next episode, titled 
"How Sweet It Is", or, "How To Become Twins"! 

"Eeeek!" trilled Angelica rather daintily.  "Save me!"  Her pink print 
sun dress, ripped and shredded as it was, still managed to cover her 
modesty.  Despite the wriggling, jiggling, bumping, and jostling, the 
barely recognizable garment stayed firmly in place over her ample 
breasts and hips.  Not once, despite the fact that her legs were 
revealed right to the buttocks, did even a hint of her white panties 
show.  Not the least bit of coral-coloured areole could be glimpsed 
through the gashes in her dress. 

Incredible, but true. 

"Why are you doing this?" cried Tiny, as he looked up into the folds of 
Venoma's liquid core.  Up past that, their fronts barely covered by her 
sexy black villainess dress, two magnificent, monstrous, mouth-watering 
milk-makers mocked his helplessness.  Even farther up, an evil, yet 
strangely beautiful face, with a knife-like nose, intense brown eyes, 
and long, raven-black hair, stared back at him.  Even her lips - blood-
red, full, and moist - were attractive, despite the evil sneer they 
displayed.

"Hvy?" she shouted.  "You hvant to khnow hvy I'm doink thees?"

"No!" he yelled back.  "I want to know why you're doing this!"

"Eeeek!  Help me, Tiny!" cried a pretty voice in the background. 

"Hvell, I'll chust tell you hanyhvay!  Chu see, hmany yearss hago, hven 
I vas chust a ..."

"In English, please," said Tiny.  "Remember our viewers."

"Oh, sorry.  As I was saying, many years ago when I was just a young 
lady, Froiderich and I had a very special relationship.  He looked so 
cute in his little leather shorts, with that bald little head of his and 
those thick glasses that make his beady little eyes seem so big and 
dreamy, I couldn't help myself.  I fell in love with him.  Of course, 
even back then he had this thing about a certain little blonde girl.  I 
tried to get him to notice me.  Even after school, in detention, he was 
always looking out the window to see if that silly little girl was out 
there.  He never paid any attention to me.  Never!  Nothing I did made 
any difference!"

"Eeeek!  I'm in so much trouble!" yelled Angelica, annoyed that she 
wasn't the centre of attention.

"I didn't know what to do!  You see, back then I wasn't the arch 
villainess I am today.  In fact, I was so cute and lovable, everyone 
always referred to me as a sweet little thing."

"Oh, no," begged Tiny, "please don't tell me that you..."

"That's right," she gloated.  "I was known as Little Miss Sweet Tart."

"Aaaaugh!" cried Tiny, wounded to the core.

"Eeeek" cried Angelica, showing little sympathy for his pain.

"It took me years to lose that reputation.  I had to transfer to another 
school and everything.  For the longest time, I remembered how 
Froiderich spurned me for that other silly girl, and how she never even 
noticed either of us.  And the worst thing is, not once did either of 
them bring me an apple."

"You don't mean..."

"Correct!" shouted Venoma.  "I vass Froiderich's third grade teacher!"

"Eeeek!" shouted Angelica, still annoyed that she wasn't the centre of 
attention.

"Egad!" shouted Tiny, suddenly realizing that he had a J.I.F.F.* on his 
hands. 

"And khnow," sneered the evil villainess, "eet's time for hrevenge.  
That seely leetle blonde ghirl vill soon be two seely leetle blonde 
ghirls.  And Dhocktor Froiderich Von Dammen vill khnow vhat I hvent 
through!"

"But Venoma, Doctor Freaky -- uh, sorry, Doctor Von Dammen has been 
trying to kill Angelica for years.  Why would this get him upset?"

"Hvy?  Hyou ask hvy?  It's bhecause he vill khnot ..."

"In English."

"Sorry.  It's because he will not get the pleasure of disposing of that 
annoying blonde creature himself!  He will feel the disappointment!  The 
abandonment!  He will know what it's like to be alone!  Then, when he's 
at the lowest point in his life, when he's at his most vulnerable, I, 
Venoma Tart, will be there.  He'll turn to me for comfort.  And with my 
beauty and intelligence, he'll be mine ... FOREVER!  Ah-
hahahahahehehahahohohoohohehehahahaha!"

"Eeeek!" squeaked Angelica, followed a few seconds later by a much 
shriller and louder "Eeeyikes!"

Tiny took a kvick hlook ... uh, sorry.  Tiny took a quick look, and saw 
that Angelica had finally come within the reach of those funny looking 
mechanical arm things.  Somehow, they had managed to remove her pink 
shoes and pink socks without untying her feet, and they were already 
prodding, poking, and tickling her all the way from her toes to her 
knees.  And, he saw, the saw blade was still spinning ominously, only a 
few feet from the end of the log.  He also noticed that the conveyor 
belt seemed to be moving a little slower than it was the last time he 
glanced over.  He shook his head in disgust at the stupidity of all 
arch-fiends everywhere.

"Now, hyou may hvatch as my hrevenge is consummated!  Ah-
hahahohohohehaaaaaah...ah...ah...ah...," gasped Venoma, as her flying 
fingers finally found her fountain of fun.  Drops of thick, red liquid 
dripped from her portal onto the floor, where they started smoking.

Tiny, trussed like a Thanksgiving turkey, could do little, so he looked 
around, trying to find the frantically frigging fiend's fatal flaw.  He 
knew there had to be one. There always was.

"OH!  MY!  GOD!" yelled our heroine at the top of her lungs.  With a 
sudden shrill whine, the saw started cutting into the end of the log.  
That, however, wasn't what was worrying the wee woman.  Those ominous 
arms were finally removing the last scraps of her scant covering, and 
were poking and prodding everywhere.  Her magnificent mammaries were 
being dented and deformed.  Her perfect, inch-long nipples were being 
tweaked and twiddled.  And worst of all, just below her prim and proper 
heart-shaped blonde bush, they were trying to penetrate the privacy of 
her pure pink portal.  It was a race between the awful arms of that 
molestation machine and the terrible teeth of that spinning saw to see 
which would be the first to delve deep into the defenseless damsel's 
dampening divinity.

Tiny finally found their foe's folly.  On the control panel, right 
beside Miss Tart, mixed in with lots of little black buttons and dials 
and blinking lights, were two big red buttons.  One was labelled 
_emergency stop_, and the other was labelled _self-destruct_.  He 
groaned in near-mortal pain when he saw them.  He also came up with a 
desperate plan.

With a mighty heave, Tiny managed to rise to his knees, much to Venoma's 
surprise.  She was far more surprised when he, with a series of knee-
jumps, managed to plant his face in the junction of her thighs.

The sidekick started licking.

Venoma's eyes popped wide open, along with her mouth.

"Eeeek!" Angelica warbled, rather arousedly.

"OH!  MEIN!  GOTT!" the evil would-be executionrix cried.  "You're 
tickling my tonsils!  I thought you were tiny, Silvertongue!"

"I'm not called Tiny because of my tongue," he mumbled with his mouth 
full.

Venoma grabbed the arms of her chair with white-knuckled intensity as 
she tried to resist his skilled torture.  Her head rolled back and forth 
and her legs rose up into a trembling vee.  Nothing but panting breaths 
came out of her mouth.

Despite the pain his mouth and lips were enduring from the caustic cream 
pouring from that polluted pudenda, Tiny continued with his oral 
onslaught, wiggling the wild woman's corrupt clitoris with the tip of 
his titillating tongue before delving deep into the disgusting depths of 
her drooling duct once again.

"Himmel!" screamed Venoma, as her legs opened wider and her arms came up 
and she grabbed her hair.

"Eeeek!" panted Angelica as the insistent metal menaces came closer to 
success and the blurred blade came closer to her finale.

Tiny worked feverishly.  His agile mouth organ flickered here and there, 
seemingly everywhere at once, while Miss Tart twisted and turned, 
moaning and shrieking with pleasure.

Our heroine screamed in horror, or something, as the invasive 
instruments abandoned her slick centre.  The buzzing blade was getting 
too close to them.  She could feel the breeze from those terrible teeth 
as they whizzed by, mere inches from her excited and extended clitoris.  
The conveyor belt was barely moving.

With a great, wrenching scream of completion, Miss Tart finally popped, 
finding what she had been seeking - a back-arching, foot-stomping, head-
bouncing, arm-flailing orgasm.  Tiny didn't stop his ministrations until 
the evil woman's left arm crashed into the control panel, pressing down 
both big red buttons.

The sounds of machinery grinding to a halt, followed by crashes, booms, 
and electrical sparks, started immediately.

"Vhat haff you made me do!?" screamed the surprised schoolmarm.

That spinning blade ground to a halt.  Seconds later, so did the 
conveyor belt.  Angelica's clit, extended to its full inch and a half 
length, was being pressed down by one of the sawblade's sharp teeth.  
Vibrations from somewhere deep in the bowels of the sawmill kept her, 
the log, and the sawblade, shaking back and forth.  This caused that one 
tooth to run repeatedly along the length of her most sensitive organ.  
Our heroine, oblivious to her surroundings, seemed almost to be pleased 
with the sensation.  In fact, if one didn't know better, one might 
almost say that she was causing much of the movement.

Beams and bits of roof started crashing down.  An explosion blew part of 
the floor up.  Venoma ran, disappearing down some stairs.  Conveniently, 
the control panel also blew up, rendering it useless, but the explosion 
did bare one razor-sharp piece of metal that happened to be at just the 
right height for Tiny to use in cutting the ropes binding his hands and 
arms.  Seconds later, he was free.

With the building falling apart around him and flames starting to sprout 
everywhere, he ran to Angelica.  She was lying there with her whole body 
shaking uncontrollably and her face twisted into a mask of pain and 
terror.  Well, Tiny thought it looked like a mask of pain and terror.  
With amazing speed, he untied her ropes and pulled her away from that 
awful machine. She screamed in horror, or something, and beat on his 
powerful chest with her delicate hands before collapsing into tears.

Somehow, Tiny managed to keep his balance, throw Miss Ahsmacker over his 
shoulder, run through the heaving ruins while avoiding flames, falling 
objects, explosions, and all kinds of other distractions, and made it 
out of the building alive.  Not too far away was the blanket where they 
were having their picnic lunch earlier that day, so that's where he 
went.

Both of them sat there and stared at the burning building for a few 
minutes.

A groaning crash and a whoosh of fresh flames announced the total 
collapse of the building's roof.  Several small explosions followed. 

"Do you think Venoma died in there?" asked our heroine.

"I doubt it," replied our favourite sidekick.  "Evil arch-villains like 
her always have some sneaky, secret, last-ditch escape route planned 
ahead of time."

When everything seemed settled and the flames were merely shooting a 
hundred feet into the air, Tiny finally turned to Angelica.  He stared 
hungrily at her naked breasts and spread beaver.  One of his hands 
reached out to touch a hard and extended nipple.

That hand got slapped.

"Tiny!  Mind your manners!  Just because you've just saved me from a 
horrible death at the hands of an insanely jealous and deadly arch-fiend 
doesn't mean you can start taking liberties!  Really!  Now be a 
gentleman and turn around and look the other way."

He did, and watched the oversized campfire for a few minutes while 
listening to Miss Ahsmacker bustle around behind him.

"You can turn around now."

The woman was fully clothed, wearing a yellow print sun dress with 
yellow socks and delicate yellow shoes.  He couldn't see them, but he 
was positive she also had on a fresh, pristine pair of white panties 
underneath.  There was no bra, of course, since she never wore one.  The 
dress, although it was supposed to be demure, allowed large portions of 
her breasts to be viewed at various times and from various angles - but 
never her coral tips, of course.  That would be unthinkable.  As he had 
many times before, he wondered how on earth she managed to come up with 
fresh outfits in the middle of nowhere with nothing around them except 
wilderness for twenty miles in any direction.

Just then, while he was distracted because he was staring at her ... 
well, because he was staring at her, and she was distracted because he 
was staring at her, the sounds of a motor suddenly revving up distracted 
them both.  They ran to the edge of a nearby cliff, which was where the 
sound seemed to be coming from.

Down below, on a log race, a very unusual looking tree trunk was heading 
for the river.  It was quite short, but thick. The bark was hard and 
shiny and looked like it was painted on.  Of course, the biggest 
giveaway that it wasn't quite what it seemed to be was the open hatch on 
top.  Inside, Venoma could be seen piloting her craft.  Behind it, 
bouncing and rolling in the old-fashioned water slide, were her five 
cronies.  All five were wearing old-fashioned bathing outfits, which 
covered them from wrists to ankles in black and blue stripes. Four of 
the five wore fins, goggles, and snorkels. The fifth one, the fat one, 
wore those, plus, around his waist he wore an air-filled plastic ring-
shaped device with an odd extension on the front end. 

"Quick! They're getting away!" yelled Angelica, right in Tiny's ear.

After a short pause, during which time Tiny tried to shake the ringing 
out of his ear, he replied: "Yes, they're getting away.  There's no way 
for us to catch them on the river.  Not with Ladybug's outboard in the 
shop.  Don't worry.  That evil woman won't be bothering us for quite 
some time, I don't think."

"Really?"

"Definitely."

Two hours later, the sawmill was nothing but a distant, flickering 
memory, and the two of them were seated in Ladybug, moving slowly along 
the tortuous mountain road back towards Heaven's Vee and their 
headquarters.

As usual, the convertible top was open.  And, as usual, Tiny was in the 
driver's seat, leaning back with his hands behind his head and his eyes 
closed, and Angelica was stretched out in the passenger seat, laying all 
the way back with her feet up on the dashboard, getting some sun. With 
the straps of her dress down off her shoulders and several buttons 
undone, her breasts were threatening to jiggle free of the concealing 
fabric.  On top of that, the wind was trying its best to whip the hem of 
her loose dress up over her belly and reveal her panties.  Of course, 
none of those things happened, although it looked like they could at any 
second.

"Tiny, can I ask you a silly question?"

"Sure, I guess."

"You told me how you got that evil woman to destroy her own 
headquarters.  That's fine, I understand, no problem, you did what you 
had to do.  But the last time we met her, she said that she was 
poisonous, and that any man who tasted her would die."

"That's right.  So, what's your question?"

"How come you're not dead?"

He chuckled knowingly.

"The last time we sent her packing, I figured we might see her again, so 
I collected up some of her drippings from the floor.  Later, in the 
laboratory, I analyzed them and made up an antidote.  I've been storing 
a dose in a hollow tooth ever since."

"It certainly came in handy."

"It sure did."

"Tiny, if you didn't have the antidote, and what you did was the only 
way to stop her from killing me, would you still have Eeeek!"

The tall, well-build man looked puzzled for a minute.  "Would I still 
have eeeek?  What kind of question is that?"

Angelica replied with another cute "Eeeek!" and pointed - straight up.

Above them, a large, black, dangerous-looking craft was matching their 
movements.  Tiny almost screamed as well when he saw it.

Twin turrets, sporting matching gun barrels, swivelled in their 
direction.  Suddenly the guns fired, and laser beams blew holes in the 
road just ahead and to either side of the dismayed duo.  A mad race 
ensued with Ladybug trying to outdistance the flying craft, without 
success.  Tiny and Angelica held on for dear life, trying not to get 
thrown out of the car.

The craft followed mercilessly and the explosions from its weapons got 
closer and closer.  Ahead of them, a terribly exposed section of 
switchback roadway loomed.  There was no way they could drive that at 
speed, and without speed, they were sitting ducks.  A mountain rose 
straight up on one side of them.  On the other side, it dropped way, way 
down into the river.  No other vehicles could be seen anywhere.

Tiny closed his eyes and grabbed Angelica's hand, praying for a miracle.  
Angelica closed her eyes and squeezed his hand.  The violently whipping 
wind almost, but not quite, managed to lift the hem of her dress over 
her hips.  Ladybug turned and drove straight off the edge of the cliff. 

Egad!  Is this the end?  Are Angelica and Tiny doomed to die a dismal 
death in a fiery fall?  Or will their finale be a flop into the wild 
waters of the Wannasumnookhee River?  Find out in the next episode of 
The Absolutely Astounding Adventures of Angelica Ahsmacker, where we'll 
hear Dr. Dammen say "Open wide!", followed shortly by him also saying 
"OH!  MEIN!  GOTT!" 

Don't you dare miss it!

<Fin>

********************************************************************

Narrator's notes:

All right, quit booing me.  Venoma's fifth henchman was wearing his 
inflatable sea horsie!  Are you happy now?

How did Angelica's dress get ripped when she wasn't actually involved in 
the fight?  See Hero/Villain Rulebook, rev. 37, Rule #131b, par. 4.  It 
states - "If said damsel does not take part in said fight, but is 
captured within 100 feet of said fight, she may still have her garments 
torn, but not removed, at the discretion of her captor(s)."

J.I.F.F. - that's a Jilted, Insane, Froiderich Fanatic, for those who 
haven't been watching regularly.

Ladybug - Angelica's intelligent VW convertible.  One of its weirdest 
<smack!>  Uh, sorry, Ladybug.  One of her more unusual add-ons is the 
chameleon circuit, which gives her the ability to alter her paint scheme 
to always go with whatever colour sun dress Angelica may be wearing.  
She also responds violently to any suggestion that she might in any way 
be related to a certain non-convertible VW beetle featured in certain 
movies, so watch what you say around her.

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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