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Message-ID: <44157asstr$1062148205@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
From: "Vulgar Argot" <VulgarArgotREMOVEALL@CAPSinsidejoke.tv>
Subject: {ASSM} Eve, Eventide (tags at bottom to avoid spoilerage)
Date: Fri, 29 Aug 2003 05:10:05 -0400
Path: assm.asstr-mirror.org!not-for-mail
Approved: <assm@asstr-mirror.org>
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories
Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d

Eve, Eventide
by Vulgar Argot
(tags at bottom to avoid spoilerage)

Author's note:
==============
This is a sequel to Second Billing to Violet and Jesus
(http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/VulgarArgot/www/2ndbill.html), easily the least popular
Vulgar Argot story ever. I don't know what made me go back and write a
sequel to such a sad story, but here it is. I freely admit that this is the
sappiest thing I've ever written.

Stevie was watching, his nose almost pressed against the glass of the front
window, trying to catch a glimpse of Santa Claus in the early darkness and
blowing snow. In spite of myself, I smiled. He'd already had two false
alarms--one from the lights of a passing airplane, the other from the red,
blinking light on the top of a microwave tower that was up on the mountain
every night, but tonight must be Rudolph, leading the way through the storm.

I sat back on the couch, cool beer in my hand, and tried to clear my head.
It was the first Christmas Eve in many years that I wasn't freezing in a
patrol car. I handed in my badge and gun this summer to join my
brother-in-law Jack's security firm, growing in leaps and bounds after the
World Trade Center attack. When he first suggested it, I didn't even
consider it seriously. I was a cop. That's what I wanted to be from before I
was even Stevie's age.

Jack is one of those hyperkinetic business types who doesn't take "no" for
an answer. He kept at me for a good three months before I finally caved in.
He was smart about it. Had he just talked about the money, I probably never
would have come over. Instead, he talked about what I could do for Stevie
with the money. One night, listening to the radio chatter about a stabbing
at the high school that Stevie would have attended, I made the decision. It
turned out to be surprisingly easy.

I don't mean to paint Jack to cynically. He loves Stevie. Violet's whole
family does. In a very real way, he's all they have left of her. By
extension, they've adopted me. For the first time in as long as I can
remember, I'm actually grateful for snow on Christmas Eve. It gave me the
perfect excuse to avoid going to his grandmother's house tomorrow.

In addition to hiring me, helping me find a house with a big yard in a good
school district, and spoiling my son rotten, Jack has also taken it upon
himself to get me married again. In the six months that I've lived here,
I've gone on four dates. They were all set up by Jack. Had I wanted to go
out with a different woman every weekend, I suspect Jack could have arranged
it. He seemed to know an endless string of the sort of women I might want my
sister's widower to date if I were in Jack's place. Sweet, serious, and
empathetic, the four I had gone out with just didn't spur any romantic
interest. It's not that I don't find those characteristics appealing or even
necessary. Violet had them in spades. They were all very nice girls. That
was part of the problem. For all of her sweet, serious, empathy, I knew
better than to think of her as a nice girl.

I was lost in reminiscence, not really hearing the news on TV when Stevie
piped up, "Daddy, there's a car outside." Before I could question whether he
meant my car, headlights scanned past the window, searching across the back
wall of the living room.

Figuring that it was probably Jack or one of Stevie's other relatives, I
flipped on the porch light so that they could see their way up the path. The
white BMW pulling into my driveway didn't belong to any of them as far as I
knew. And, I didn't immediately recognize the woman getting out of it
either.

Stevie recognized her before I did, "It's Noelle."

I started to shake my head. Noelle lived next door to my old house, ninety
minutes away. Besides that, Noelle was seventeen. This woman was older, more
poised.

I blinked and looke again. It was Noelle, impossible as that might seem.
Striding up the path, stylish tan trenchcoat blowing out behind her,
sunglasses pushed back onto her head, she'd lost most of her coltishness. If
Stevie hadn't recognized her immediately, I don't know when I would have
recognized her.

If the doorbell hadn't finally broke the spell, I might have spent a long
time staring out of the picture window, trying to figure out why she was
there and afraid that I already knew. As it was, I jumped up as if shocked,
almost tripping over Stevie who had already run over and was leveraging the
door out of its frame with all of his weight.

So, I was standing behind Stevie when he opened the door. Still standing
half outside, she crouched down to accept his fervent hug. Unquestioning,
Stevie called out her name and hugged her in that intense, un-self conscious
way that only children can. Noelle rose, still in the clutch, and looked me
in the eyes.

"Hi, Mike," she said. "I hope you don't mind me dropping in like this."

I was troubled and concerned by her dropping in like this, but standing in
the doorway, letting the wind in, holding my son didn't put her in an ideal
position to be argued with. So, I said, "No. It's good to see you." It was
the truth anyway. "Please, come in."

She did, carrying Stevie back to the couch and depositing him there. Once he
released his grip, she turned to me, arms open a little. Once I indicated
willingness, she hugged me, clinging firmly to my chest as if emulating
Stevie.

"Is everything all right?" I asked, hugging her back gently.

She nodded against me, "I just missed you two. I haven't seen you since
summer."

"So, you drove all the way down here in a blizzard?" I asked, trying to show
only a little bit of concern in my voice so as not to worry Stevie.

Noelle released me, "It's not really a blizzard yet. I took care while
driving."

I looked past her out the window, "You'll never be able to make it back
tonight."

Noelle nodded, making eye contact in a way that left little doubt as to what
she was saying, "I know. I brought clothes."

So, there it was. She was staying the night, one way or another. I could see
the determined set of her shoulders and jaw.

"Can I get you something to eat?" I asked. "Stevie's grandmother sent over
enough food to feed about ten people for Christmas."

"Steven," announced Stevie.

"What?" I asked.

"My name is Steven. Stevie is a baby name." He looked defiant.

I'd never wanted to call him Stevie in the beginning. Violet had started it.
Steven looked like he was angling for a fight, so I said, "Excuse me.
Steven's grandmother sent over a ton of food. Would you like to look in the
refrigerator for something to eat? I'm still a master of the microwave."

Noelle smoothed a strand of hair back behind her ear, laughter dancing in
her eyes, "Thank you. I haven't eaten since breakfast. That would be great.
Is there somewhere I can put my coat?"

I took Noelle's coat. Underneath, she wore an ankle-length black skirt and
an off-white, v-neck sweater. It was the sort of outfit that would have
looked right with pearls, but as the only sop to her youth, she wore a black
ribbon choker with an antique cameo across the hollow of her throat.

"You look pretty," announced Steven.

"Why, thank you, Steven," said Noelle immediately. "You're quite the
handsome young gentleman yourself this evening."

Steven looked down at himself, "These are my pajamas. My Uncle Jack got them
for me."

Noelle nodded gravely, "Obviously, your Uncle Jack is a man of excellent
taste. Can you show me where the kitchen is, Steven?"

I smiled to myself outside of their vision. Noelle was looking directly at
the kitchen when she asked. While they rifled through the refrigerator and I
hung Noelle's coat up, I let myself think about why Noelle was here. My urge
was to discount the most immediate answer, but none of the others made any
sense.

Two years ago, the night she had turned sixteen, Noelle had kissed me and
told me that she loved me. I told her that she was too young for me and left
it at that. Since then, I only brought up the subject once and got back the
less-than-reassuring, "Don't worry, Mike. It was much too soon. I should
have known better."

Noelle would turn eighteen tonight. She once told me that her mother
deliberately held off on giving birth so that she would be a Christmas baby,
born shortly after midnight.

Had she decided that her eighteenth birthday was late enough to try again,
then driven ninety minutes in the snow to do so? I thought I knew Noelle
well enough to see it as the sort of thing she was capable of. Most of the
time, Noelle was quiet and agreeable, not at all like a teenager. In most
things, she was easygoing. But, when she wanted something, she could
probably give Jack a run for his money on tenacity.

Since that night, I hadn't really allowed myself to think about what I
wanted out of the situation. The truth was that I had come dangerously close
to taking Noelle up on her offer when she was sixteen. For a few long
seconds, I had considered it. Since then, I have always been ashamed of that
moment of weakness. No matter what I told myself, it all sounded like
excuses.

True, Noelle never behaved like a child. From the first day that Violet
spoke to her, when she was nine or ten years old, she'd had an unshakeable
earnestness. At first, it was born of shyness. As Violet took Noelle under
her wing, as a sort of protege, it became more a genuine matter of poise and
grace.

Violet never treated Noelle like a child. As a result, neither did I. As
time went by, I saw Noelle take on many of Violet's mannerisms. After the
accident, she could take my breath away with a careless gesture.

Steven loved her, too. Best of all, it wasn't the way he loved his
grandmother or Uncle Jack, who he could wrap around his little finger as
soon as look at them. Noelle knew how to handle him, somehow making him look
forward to doing all of the things that were a struggle with other
babysitters. And, she loved Steven. As Violet had done with her, Noelle
never talked down to Steven, but treated him as an equal.

My face turned away from them. The idea that Noelle might be interested in
me so that she could get a hold of my son was actually more comforting than
the idea that she wanted me for myself.

"Is it okay if I take some of the meatloaf?" Noelle called.

"Take whatever you like," I said, closing the closet. "There's no way Steven
and I will eat a third of what was sent."

Noelle nodded and started making up a plate for herself, "Do you two want
anything?"

"Cake!" said Steven.

"We already ate," I said firmly. "If you eat cake now, you're never going to
fall asleep. You know that Santa doesn't come until you're asleep."

Steven nodded gravely.

Noelle put her plate in the microwave, then ducked back into the
refrigerator, emerging with a bottle of beer. She held it up towards me,
"You don't mind?"

I shrugged, "You drink now?"

Noelle removed the magnetic church key from the refrigerator door and popped
the top off of the bottle in a practiced motion, "A little. In Switzerland,
it seems like everyone drinks a little."

I shrugged more expansively, "When in Rome."

Noelle smiled, "Speaking of which, I got to see Rome this year. You'll have
to let me tell you about it."

"Sure," I said. "We have a lot of catching up to do."

Noelle walked over to the breakfast nook, sitting in the chair that looked
out into the living room. I sat back in my easy chair, turning it so that I
could face her. Steven sat at the table and began peppering her with
questions. I was about to send him off on some errand to let Noelle catch
her breath and eat, but she managed to turn the conversation around quickly
until Steven was delivering a monologue while she nodded and occasionally
asked questions whenever he flagged in the narrative.

When she finished, Noelle rose with dishes in hand.

"I can get those," I offered, but she already had them in the sink with the
hot water running and waved me off.

When she walked into the living room, Noelle walked past where I was sitting
to stand and stare at the Christmas tree. Standing in profile, her eyes
seemed to be shining and a faint smile touched her lips.

"You guys have a real tree," she said, her voice wistful. "It's really
beautiful."

"There's a huge pine farm about an hour south of here," I said. "Steven
helped me pick out and cut the tree."

"My parents didn't want to put up a tree this year," said Noelle, sounding
as if she was speaking from far off. "The last time they put one up, I was
twelve. They said there was no point with no children in the house."

"Is that why you came here?" asked Steven. "So Santa knew where to put your
presents?"

Noelle laughed, "No. I came to see you two. I suspect Santa will know enough
to leave my presents at home."

Steven seemed to see the wisdom in this. Last year, he told me he didn't
believe in Santa, but Jack had dressed up and run past his window shortly
after he went to bed. Still, this was probably the last year we would get
away with it.

As I watched, Noelle and Steven had a long conversation about the relative
merits of their schools. Considering the fact that Steven was in the second
grade and Noelle about to finish the equivilent of high school, they still
seemed to have a remarkable number of points of comparison.

While they talked, I wondered to myself if I was going crazy. What on Earth
would a girl about to start college and I even have to talk about. There was
Steven, of course. Whenever she'd come home from school, Noelle had watched
him while I worked. But, after that, what did we really have in common?

As I watched, Noelle raised her hands, drew her hair, worn long and free,
back over her ears, transferred it all to her left hand, twisted it into a
bundle, and laid it over her left shoulder. It was an undeniable Violet
move. Tonight, I found it oddly comforting.

Steven let out a big yawn. Noelle asked, "Are you getting ready for bed,
Steven? The sooner you fall asleep, the sooner you can wake up and see what
Santa brought."

Despite the fact that I had tried the same line of logic with him in years
past without success, Steven nodded and rose from the couch. Turning to face
Noelle, he said, "Daddy says I can't get up until the sun rises, in case
Santa's not done and I scare him off."

Noelle nodded, "Daddy has a point. Want me to tuck you in?"

"Okay," said Steven, running towards his room.

I stood in the doorway and watched as Noelle tucked Steven in to bed, then
kissed him good night on the forehead. Once she stepped out of the way, I
came over and kissed his cheek.

"Good night, Noelle." he said. "Will you be coming to watch me again?"

Noelle looked at me, "I'll have to talk to your father about that. I'll see
you in the morning, Steven."

Out in the living room, I sat back in my chair. Noelle resumed her seat on
the couch.

"So," I asked, letting my real concern show through in my voice, emphasizing
the next word, "is everything all right at home."

Noelle's laugh was laced with weariness, "No, but it's not any less all
right than it's ever been--except that it's Christmas-time, which is always
worse. I just had to get away from it tonight. Mike," she leaned forward so
that she could see me eye-to-eye, "is it really okay that I'm here tonight?
I know I've put you in a position where you can't throw me out..."

I shook my head quickly, before she could go on, "No, Noelle. It's good to
see you."

She sat back, seeming to relax, "It's good to see you too, Mike--you and
Stevie. I was going to come see you before I headed back to Switzerland, but
I didn't plan to drop in quite so abruptly."

I shook my head again, "It's nice to have company tonight."

Noelle nodded, "It must be nice to not have to be out on patrol tonight."

I chuckled, "Yeah, but I don't know what to do with myself. Once Stevie
falls asleep, I'll put out his presents. Then..." I held out my hands in a
gesture of supplication.

Noelle nodded, "Mike, there's something I wanted to talk to you about."

I braced myself. I couldn't give Noelle the answer she wanted. Even if I
could see past the age difference, she just wasn't the woman I was looking
for. She was sweet, serious, and empathetic--all the things the women I had
failed to click with were. I had come to terms with the fact that I would
never be able to replace Violet, but it didn't change what I wanted in a
woman. Violet was sweet, serious, and empathetic, but she was also alive in
a way that I rarely saw in anyone. People often mistook her for shy because
she let so much just slide off of her. But, when she wanted something, she
was fierce, even brazen. We had gone to high school together, been friends,
but always involved with someone else. Shortly after high school, I'd just
started at the police academy in New York. Violet had tracked me down and
refused to go away until I made love to her. Less than six months later, we
were engaged.

I had known that I wanted Violet for years before that. But, she had dated
Aaron Gundleroy, a close friend of mine for most of the time. I thought that
I'd given her no hint as to how I felt, but she knew well enough to put our
friendship and her pride on the line. In that way, she was far braver than I
could ever be.

I nodded to Noelle to continue.

 Noelle crossed her legs, lacing her fingers over one stocking-clad knee.
Taking a deep breath, she said, "I've applied to Stryker for fall. I think
you should take me on as Stevie's au pair while I'm there."

There were so many things I didn't know how to deal with in that statement
that I was momentarily speechless, "I...uh..."

Noelle leaned forward, "I talked to Jack when I called him to get your
address. He said that you've been going to church so that Stevie will have
day care. I already checked with the administration at Stryker and they say
I can be full-time at night. I would be able to watch Stevie during the day
and it's only a twenty-minute..."

"Wait a second," I said, raising my hands. "You're going to Stryker Bible
College?"

Noelle shook her head emphatically, "No. I'm going to Stryker University.
They're opening a liberal arts college alongside SBC next year. I assumed
you would have heard..."

I waved a hand, "I heard something. And, I guess I saw all the construction
equiptment heading up there. I just didn't realize it was opening so soon."

Noelle nodded, "You didn't really think I would go to a Bible college, did
you?"

I shook my head, chuckling, "No. That's why I was confused."

"Of course, I didn't think you'd be going to church every week either," she
added.

I shrugged, "Like Jack said, it's for the day care. I don't have a lot of
options out here."

"So, let me be your au pair." Noelle said. "Stevie's used to me. I'm crazy
about him. You're already my best reference. You know I'll take good care of
him."

"I, uh..." I said again, unable to come up with a cogent argument against
what she'd said. Shaking my beer bottle, I realized it was empty and rose,
knowing I would need more for this conversation.

"So, Mike. What do you say?" she asked, her face hopeful.

"Let me think about it," I said. Watching her face fall, I added almost
involuntarily, "until morning. I'll give you an answer before you go."

"Oh, Mike," she said, leaping to her feet, relief and joy clear on her face.
She wrapped her arms around me. I wanted to protest that I hadn't made up my
mind yet, but the truth was that I had and she already knew it.

With Noelle's arms wrapped around me, her body pressed against mine, the one
issue that had kept me from saying yes immediately came to the forefront of
my brain. The hug felt good and I didn't push her away. To tell the truth,
I'd been feeling depressed and isolated most of the day and, for just a
moment, it felt really good to be hugged. Sensing that Noelle could take the
same solace, I hugged her back.

Once she pulled away a little, I headed to the refrigerator for a fresh
beer. I normally limited myself to one an evening, considering how many cops
let depression lead to alcoholism and worse. Even taking that into
consideration, I had a feeling that tis conversation was going to require
another beer.

When I turned from the refrigerator, Noelle was standing behind me. She
indicated the beer in my hand, "May I?"

Wordlessly, I handed her mine and reached in for another. Somehow, the fact
that she felt this was a two-beer conversation as well comforted me.
Chuckling to myself, I realized that I was feeling a little bit intimidated
by Noelle. There was something vaguely terrifying in her calm composure, so
unlike a girl her age should behave.

As we sat back down on the couch, I decided to ease into the discussion I
knew we would have to have eventually. "So, what ever happened to those
girls who were kidnapped from your school? Were the ever found?"

Noelle nodded, "In a manner of speaking. They turned up on their own. The
whole story was rather convoluted and the school didn't want to tell us too
much, but I don't think they were kidnapped. I think they ran away together.
They were kind of a couple?"

I raised an eyebrow, "Kind of a couple?"

Noelle nodded, "On-again, off-again. They were both into some messed-up
stuff."

"What sort of stuff?" I asked.

"I don't know many details," said Noelle. "It wasn't really my scene. I got
into enough trouble, but they were pretty out of control."

I frowned. This was the first she'd ever mentioned getting in trouble, "What
sort of trouble did you get in?" I asked, stressing the pronoun.

The look Noelle gave me told me that I'd fallen into some sort of erroneous
assumption about her. Turning to face her more directly, I inspected her as
if whatever she'd been up to would have left some sort of physical trace.

"Petty stuff," she said. "Sneaking out, forging a note from my parents,
smoking."

"You smoke?" I asked. I was having a hard time taking in all the surprises
she was throwing at me.

"Not in your house--or in front of Stevie," she said.

"That's appreciated," I said automatically. Somehow, I'd hoped that a
conversation about more mundane things would put me in a more relaxed frame
of mind for what was coming. Instead, I was becoming more off-balance with
each revelation.

"It's really starting to come down out there," said Noelle, looking out the
window. "I should get my things out of the car before the path is completely
snowed over."

I nodded my assent, glad to have a moment to regain my equilibrium. While I
did manage to relax a bit, something else Noelle had said nagged at me. When
she came back inside, she was lugging a green, military-issue duffel bag. It
had snow on it like she'd been forced to drag it part of the way through the
snow.

As she came in the door, I jumped up, taking it from her. By the heft, it
was full of more than just clothes.

I laughed uncertainly, "Were you planning on spending the night or running
away?"

Noelle gave me an enigmatic half-smile, "That depends."

I was dumbstruck for a moment again, but at least it gave me a
conversational opening. Noelle followed me into the guest room, where I laid
her bag on the bed.

"Noelle," I said, turning to her, "there is something we need to talk about
if you're going to be Stevie's au pair."

Noelle held her wrists behind her back and looked up at my expectantly. It
was such an attentive pose that I suspected a degree of mockery in it.

Mocking or not, her unblinking stare made it even more difficult for me to
broach the subject. I turned a little so as not to make direct eye contact.

"You may not even remember this," I said, taking a deep breath, "but, when
you had just turned sixteen, you...you kissed me and told me that you loved
me. I..."

Noelle's smile seemed a little sad, "Of course I remember, Mike. But, like I
told you, it was a moment of weakness. I knew it was too soon to talk about
it."

"I think we should talk about it now."

Noelle shook her head, "It's still too soon."

"I really think it needs to be resolved if you're..."

Noelle cut me off, "In three and a half hours, I'll be an adult. We can talk
about it then...like adults."

"I..."

Noelle raised a finger, "Until midnight, I'm at a distinct disadvantage.
We'll talk about it then."

Seeing the look of consternation on my face, Noelle added, "Why don't you
show me the house, Mike? I'd love to see it."

As she said it, Noelle's hands clasped behind her back, her head tilted
back, and again, she fixed me with that unblinking stare. This time, I was
sure that there was some mockery in it, but it was much easier to just do as
she requested than to call her on it.

I led Noelle through the downstairs rooms. She'd already been in most of
them, at least briefly. I showed her the main bathroom, opened the door to
the master bedroom long enough to turn on the light, wave at the room, and
identify it.

"What's that door lead to?" she asked, pointing across my bedroom.

"The master bathroom," I said.

Noelle trod across the room to the door. At some point, she had taken off
her boots and was now in stocking feet. When she got to the door, she paused
and looked to me for permission. I nodded, realizing that, for some reason,
I'd been holding my breath. Something about watching those feet pad across
my room just made me catch my breath and, once caught, I found myself
unwilling to let it go.

Noelle opened the bathroom door and flicked on the light. Bending at the
waist, she looked inside, her feet still firmly planted on the bedroom
carpet. She emerged after a few seconds, half-turning to face me, and nodded
as if it had passed some sort of inspection.

"Let me show you upstairs," I said, suddenly nervous.

Noelle nodded again and made as if to follow. But, halfway across the room,
she stopped, looking around for a few long seconds. It was long enough that
I had time to do my own quick inventory. King-sized bed with dark green
duvet to match the carpet, black leather chair halfway between the bookshelf
and the stereo, end table with a reading lamp. I didn't consider it either
sufficiently austere or frivolous to warrant such intent scrutiny.

"It's a nice place you have here, Mike."

"Thank you," I said, feeling like I had passed a test. I extended an arm to
guide her out of the room. Noelle took my lead, sliding past the arm and
placing her hand on my chest as if for balance as she passed. As she did,
she held eye contact. Noelle had always had amazing, cloudy green eyes. Many
times, Violet had told her that she would one day knock men dead with those
eyes.

If I hadn't known Noelle for as long as I did, I would have thought she was
trying to seduce me. But, it wasn't in her nature. She had always been sweet
and earnest and direct. When she'd had her crush on me at sixteen, she'd put
it all out there. As gentle as much rejection had been, I could only imagine
how much it had hurt to hear it.

After Noelle passed, I frowned to myself. She was a beautiful young woman
and I was flattered, but I realized that I had decided. I would never
replace Violet, but I needed a woman who was stable enough to be good for
Stevie and still had enough of an edge to excite me.

Unless you knew Violet well, it was easy to make the mistake of thinking
that she was a "good girl." She was certainly a good wife and a good mother,
but that came later, after I fell in love with her. My memories of the
academy will always be colored by the weekends.

                                             -=-

That weekend was the fifth or sixth time Violet had come down to the city
for the weekend since I started at the academy and she went away to school.
While I took a lot of teasing from my roommates about her, we'd shared a
room enough times in the past that I didn't really think much more of it
than I ever had. The quarters might be a little bit tighter than they had
been in the past, but no more than when we'd shared a tent two summers
earlier while hiking down the Appalacian Trail. It had been Violet, her
boyfriend Doug who was also my best friend, my first serious girlfriend
Paula, and me in a four-man tent. We were with a larger group that published
slick pamphlets and talked extensively about the adult supervision. But, in
reality, they were a fly-by-night organization whose "adult supervision" for
most of the trip consisted of four college students who weren't interested
in anything but enjoying the trail and each other's company. Within three
days, Doug and I had kicked our tentmates out and invited Violet and Paula
in. Compared to that, the two of us in a room the size of that tent was
almost luxurious.

When Violet came to the city, she would drive to New York on Friday
afternoon after her last class, arriving around dusk. Despite all of out
protests, she would then proceed to buy Chinese food for everyone. I didn't
realize it at the time, but she was working hard at getting in good with my
roommates. After dinner, the four of us would hang around in the common
space talking about whatever was on our minds. Eventually, Violet and I
would retire to my room and talk until the wee hours of the morning.

By that point, the visits had become routine. Violet and I had been friends
for a long time and I thought we talked about everything. I liked to believe
and often said that I thought of her as a little sister. It had taken a
while for her to talk to me about the problems she was having with Doug.
But, she eventually explained that, since I had set them up, she didn't want
to sound like she was blaming me for what went wrong.

In hindsight, Violet had dropped so many hints that she wanted more from me
than my friendship they should have crunched when I walked across the floor.
But, I was a particularly dense young man. That night, Violet had finally
gotten tired of waiting for me to catch on. As I was cleaning up after
dinner, my roommates came into the kitchen to tell me that they were headed
out to catch a movie. I asked Violet if she wanted to join them, but she
feigned fatigue and said that she just wanted to stay in. Not knowing that
she'd asked the two of them to make themselves scarce for the rest of the
night, I didn't understand why they were rolling their eyes at each other.

Almost as soon as I heard the front door click, I felt Violet behind me, her
arms encircling my chest as best they could, her lips pressed against my
back. I turned in the circle of her arms, drying my hands.

"Is everything okay?"

She looked up at me, nodding, "Everything is fine. I'm just glad we have a
chance to be alone together."

I nodded, "Those two can be kind of tiresome, but I thought you enjoyed
their company."

Violet made a face, "I didn't say I was glad they were gone. I said I was
glad we were alone."

"Right..." I said uncertainly.

"Do you understand the difference?"

I thought that I did, but I wasn't willing to admit it. So, I said, "No."

She looked me in the eye, annoyed, "Mike, I swear. You are the stupidest boy
I've ever met."

"I...what?"

"Mike, why do you think I've started coming up here since I broke up with
Doug?"

I furrowed my brow, "You said you needed a friend."

"I have friends at college, Mike."

Seeing the look of confusion on my face, she went on, "Today is six months
since I broke up with Doug."

"Congratulations?" I offered weakly.

"Mike," she said, a note of iron in her voice, "put your hands back on the
counter, close your eyes, and don't move."

Doing as I was told, I  felt Violet lean down and place a kiss on my chest
just above the neckline of my t-shirt, charmingly (but, I have to admit
accurately in my experience as a police officer) nicknamed a "wifebeater."
Moving down about an inch, she placed another one than another.

I was stuck teetering between letting Violet do what we both wanted to do
and stopping her. Before I'd set her up with Doug, we'd decided that it was
more important that we remain friends than date. In fairness, it had been
the right decision at the time. I had made a lot of dating mistakes since
then. Had I made them with Violet, we would not have been friends any more.

I was not as dense at I make it seem, either. It wasn't that I never thought
Violet's actions were meant to seduce me. To the contrary, about a year
after I set up Violet and Doug, I started to think that everything she did
was meant to seduce me. I had just enough self-control to realize that
couldn't be the case and ignore every indication to the contrary.

I was right to a degree. Violet was a merciless flirt in general and,
realizing that I would do nothing about it, Violet took particular delight
in tormenting me. She was smart enough not to do it in front of Doug or
whoever I was dating at the moment or anyone who knew them. Even then, she
had blend.

This was different, though. There was no way it could be mistaken for
innocent flirtation. As she got to my stomach, she pulled my t-shirt up to
rain kisses directly on the skin. It was something that I'd dreamed about
for so long that the feel of it actually made me moan out loud.

So intent was I on the kisses that I hadn't noticed her undoing my belt
until my pants were suddenly down around my ankles. My eyes flew open and I
caught her wrists as I felt her hands on the waistband of my boxers.

"Violet," I said, half a reproach, half a moan of frustration as I dragged
her to her feet. "What are you doing?"

"Come on, Mike," she chided. "Even you know the answer to that one."

"But...we don't...we talked about this."

"When we were fourteen!" Violet said indignantly. "Let go of me."

I released her wrists.

Violet sounded angry, "Mike, I'm tired of playing games. I want this. You
want this. We both have for a long time. Stop fighting me. And don't give me
that lame line about about not wanting to introduce sex and risk ruining a
friendship. Sex has been introduced. It's too late for that now."

"We need to talk about this," I said as reasonably as I could imagine.

Violet shook her head in the negative and started unbuttoning her blouse.

"Violet, what are you doing?" I asked, starting to panic.

"I'm taking my clothes off," she said unnecessarily. Then, she added, "and
I'm not putting them back on until you fuck me." I tried to open my mouth to
protest, but she placed a finger on my lips. "No more talking, Mike. If I
let you, you would talk this thing to death. You would dissect and analyze
it until it was a bloodless carcass, bereft of life or passion. I'm going in
your room now and I'm taking off the rest of my clothes. Eventually, you're
going to have to come in there and deal with me."

I would have followed her immediately, but my first step reminded me that my
pants were still down around my ankles by almost pitching me flat on my
face. By the time I disentangled myself, Violet had made good on her promise
and was lying naked on my bed, arms slightly akimbo.

Knowing when I was beaten, I didn't try to talk anymore. I lay down next to
Violet, wrapping my arms around her and kissing her. If I'd had any
lingering doubt that Violet loved or wanted me before that night, that first
time proved it to me. I was so nervous, conflicted, and awkward that what we
did could only charitably be considered sex. The fact that she ever let me
try again was all the proof I needed of her affection.

And try again we did--that night, that weekend, and nearly every weekend
that followed. The walls were thin and conditions cramped. No matter how
quiet we tried to be, my roommates always knew what we were up to. So,
improbable as it sounded, we found ourselves most weekends escaping to the
streets of Manhattan for some privacy. During the week, I learned how to be
an officer of the law. On the weekends, I learned the finer points of
trespassing and breaking and entering. We restricted those activities
largely to parks and courtyards. But, had we been caught it could well have
ended my career before it started. That only added to the excitement. I'd
wanted to be a cop since I was six. It felt like I'd wanted Violet longer,
even though I knew that wasn't possible.

That was the woman I fell in love with: the sweet, serious, empathetic,
merciless flirt goading me into following her over the wrought-iron fence of
some tiny, nameless park so that we could make love in the grass to the
sounds of the city.

                                             -=-

I'd fallen into exactly the trap I had hoped to avoid this year. Without the
patrol to keep me busy, I'd started to reminisce about Violet. Even if the
pain had faded, even the best memories still brought a certain melancholy
with them.

Despite the fact that it had all come back in a rush and I had only missed a
half-step, Noelle stopped behind me, laying a hand gently on my arm, "Mike,
are you okay?"

I nodded, "Just tired. Let me show you the upstairs."

Noelle made a skeptical face like she was looking right through me, but
followed me to the spiral staircase. I undid the chain that closed off the
bottom of the stairway, handing it to Noelle, "Redo that behind you, please.
It's how I keep Stevie from climbing the stairs when I'm not watching."

Noelle did as I asked her, "That's not going to work much longer."

I laughed, "It doesn't really work now. He could open it if he wanted to. He
doesn't because I told him not to." Still laughing, I said, "Of course,
that's not going to work much longer either."

Noelle laughed along with me. She'd spent enough time with Stevie to know
that it was true.

Turning to offer my hand to help her out of the stairwell, I caught an oddly
calculating look on her face. It disappeared so quickly that I almost could
have imagined it. Still, it had definitely been there and incongruous enough
that it reminded me of the scenes in old horror movies where an actor would
change their facial expression dramatically to indicate that they were
possessed.

As brief as it had been, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had made a lot of
assumptions about Noelle based on the way she behaved when I was around,
most of which had been spent babysitting. What did I really know about her?
For that matter, what did I really know about about any of the women I'd
been set up with? None of the characteristics I was looking for were going
to show up on a first date or, for that matter, while trying to watch a
child.

"Wow, this is cool!" exclaimed Noelle. Her face was open and full of joy,
the way I expected Stevie to look in a few hours. She was doing a wide
circuit of the room, taking in the furnishings. "Did you buy all of this
stuff since you moved here?"

"Just the pool table," I said. "Jack got me a really good price on it. Most
of this was Violet's when we got married or wedding gifts. It was in storage
until we got a bigger place."

"I'm sorry," said Noelle. "I didn't mean to..."

I smiled, "No. You didn't. I love this room--listening to her music, reading
her books. It's a much better shrine than a closet-full of unworn clothes. I
feel really close to her when I'm here."

Noelle paused at the bookshelf, running her fingers over the titles,
strolling along its length. I could see her eyes drawing in every detail,
contemplating the titles. It was a revelation of another sort.

"You miss her too, don't you?"

Noelle shook her head as if to deny it, "Not the way you do. But, yeah."
When I didn't speak for a few seconds, she added, "She was my best friend. I
know it should have been someone closer to my own age, but..."

"She talked about you constantly," I said. "I don't think she cared how old
you were."

Noelle smiled shyly, "She talked about you a lot, too. That's how I know she
didn't care how old I was."

It took a few seconds for that statement to sink in, "I...uh. I'm afraid to
ask, but what did she tell you about me?"

Noelle grinned and I could sense that she was enjoying my discomfort, "When
I started to get interested in boys, she would always answer my questions.
She only had two examples to draw from--you and her first boyfriend, Dave."

"Doug," I said.

"Right," said Noelle. "She didn't talk about him much."

I realized that I was fighting down the urge to blush, "I didn't know she
talked to you about me...in that context."

"I know," said Noelle. "She said you would take you over your knee and spank
her if you ever found out."

I laughed nervously, trying to pass it off as a joke. I could tell by the
calm, but amused look on Noelle's face that she knew better and was not
shocked.

"So," she asked, turning back to the bookshelves, "if I became your au pair,
could I read some of her books, too? She recommended a lot of them to me."

Relieved that the question had nothing to do with spanking, I was quick to
consent, "Even if you don't decide to be my au pair, I'm sure you could
borrow a few. You've always been the responsible type."

Noelle's laugh was both involuntary and bitter, "That's me."

I tried to backtrack, "I just mean that you've always been good with Stevie.
It wasn't an indictment."

Noelle sat down on the overstuffed couch, "I'm sorry, Mike. It's just that
I've heard it so many times and I thought you knew me better."

I sat down next to her, "I suppose I don't. Until tonight, I thought I did.
I'd like to."

Noelle looked up, only the tiniest hint of her previous sullenness on her
face, "Really?"

"Really," I said. "Shock me. I'm ready for it."

Stevie was watching, his nose almost pressed against the glass of the front
window, trying to catch a glimpse of Santa Claus in the early darkness and
blowing snow. In spite of myself, I smiled. He'd already had two false
alarms--one from the lights of a passing airplane, the other from the red,
blinking light on the top of a microwave tower that was up on the mountain
every night, but tonight must be Rudolph, leading the way through the storm.

I sat back on the couch, cool beer in my hand, and tried to clear my head.
It was the first Christmas Eve in many years that I wasn't freezing in a
patrol car. I handed in my badge and gun this summer to join my
brother-in-law Jack's security firm, growing in leaps and bounds after the
World Trade Center attack. When he first suggested it, I didn't even
consider it seriously. I was a cop. That's what I wanted to be from before I
was even Stevie's age.

Jack is one of those hyperkinetic business types who doesn't take "no" for
an answer. He kept at me for a good three months before I finally caved in.
He was smart about it. Had he just talked about the money, I probably never
would have come over. Instead, he talked about what I could do for Stevie
with the money. One night, listening to the radio chatter about a stabbing
at the high school that Stevie would have attended, I made the decision. It
turned out to be surprisingly easy.

I don't mean to paint Jack too cynically. He loves Stevie. Violet's whole
family does. In a very real way, he's all they have left of her. By
extension, they've adopted me. For the first time in as long as I can
remember, I'm actually grateful for snow on Christmas Eve. It gave me the
perfect excuse to avoid going to his grandmother's house tomorrow.

In addition to hiring me, helping me find a house with a big yard in a good
school district, and spoiling my son rotten, Jack has also taken it upon
himself to get me married again. In the six months that I've lived here,
I've gone on four dates. They were all set up by Jack. Had I wanted to go
out with a different woman every weekend, I suspect Jack could have arranged
it. He seemed to know an endless string of the sort of women I might want my
sister's widower to date if I were in Jack's place. Sweet, serious, and
empathetic, the four I had gone out with just didn't spur any romantic
interest. It's not that I don't find those characteristics appealing or even
necessary. Violet had them in spades. They were all very nice girls. That
was part of the problem. For all of her sweet, serious, empathy, I knew
better than to think of her as a nice girl.

I was lost in reminiscence, not really hearing the news on TV when Stevie
piped up, "Daddy, there's a car outside." Before I could question whether he
meant my car, headlights scanned past the window, searching across the back
wall of the living room.

Figuring that it was probably Jack or one of Stevie's other relatives, I
flipped on the porch light so that they could see their way up the path. The
white BMW pulling into my driveway didn't belong to any of them as far as I
knew. And, I didn't immediately recognize the woman getting out of it
either.

Stevie recognized her before I did, "It's Noelle."

I started to shake my head. Noelle lived next door to my old house, ninety
minutes away. Besides that, Noelle was seventeen. This woman was older, more
poised.

I blinked and looked again. It was Noelle, impossible as that might seem.
Striding up the path, stylish tan trench coat blowing out behind her,
sunglasses pushed back onto her head, she'd lost most of her coltishness. If
Stevie hadn't recognized her immediately, I don't know when I would have
recognized her.

If the doorbell hadn't finally broke the spell, I might have spent a long
time staring out of the picture window, trying to figure out why she was
there and afraid that I already knew. As it was, I jumped up as if shocked,
almost tripping over Stevie who had already run over and was leveraging the
door out of its frame with all of his weight.

So, I was standing behind Stevie when he opened the door. Still standing
half outside, she crouched down to accept his fervent hug. Unquestioning,
Stevie called out her name and hugged her in that intense, un-self conscious
way that only children can. Noelle rose, still in the clutch, and looked me
in the eyes.

"Hi, Mike," she said. "I hope you don't mind me dropping in like this."

I was troubled and concerned by her dropping in like this, but standing in
the doorway, letting the wind in, holding my son didn't put her in an ideal
position to be argued with. So, I said, "No. It's good to see you." It was
the truth anyway. "Please, come in."

She did, carrying Stevie back to the couch and depositing him there. Once he
released his grip, she turned to me, arms open a little. Once I indicated
willingness, she hugged me, clinging firmly to my chest as if emulating
Stevie.

"Is everything all right?" I asked, hugging her back gently.

She nodded against me, "I just missed you two. I haven't seen you since
summer."

"So, you drove all the way down here in a blizzard?" I asked, trying to show
only a little bit of concern in my voice so as not to worry Stevie.

Noelle released me, "It's not really a blizzard yet. I took care while
driving."

I looked past her out the window, "You'll never be able to make it back
tonight."

Noelle nodded, making eye contact in a way that left little doubt as to what
she was saying, "I know. I brought clothes."

So, there it was. She was staying the night, one way or another. I could see
the determined set of her shoulders and jaw.

"Can I get you something to eat?" I asked. "Stevie's grandmother sent over
enough food to feed about ten people for Christmas."

"Steven," announced Stevie.

"What?" I asked.

"My name is Steven. Stevie is a baby name." He looked defiant.

I'd never wanted to call him Stevie in the beginning. Violet had started it.
Steven looked like he was angling for a fight, so I said, "Excuse me.
Steven's grandmother sent over a ton of food. Would you like to look in the
refrigerator for something to eat? I'm still a master of the microwave."

Noelle smoothed a strand of hair back behind her ear, laughter dancing in
her eyes, "Thank you. I haven't eaten since breakfast. That would be great.
Is there somewhere I can put my coat?"

I took Noelle's coat. Underneath, she wore an ankle-length black skirt and
an off-white, v-neck sweater. It was the sort of outfit that would have
looked right with pearls, but as the only sop to her youth, she wore a black
ribbon choker with an antique cameo across the hollow of her throat.

"You look pretty," announced Steven.

"Why, thank you, Steven," said Noelle immediately. "You're quite the
handsome young gentleman yourself this evening."

Steven looked down at himself, "These are my pajamas. My Uncle Jack got them
for me."

Noelle nodded gravely, "Obviously, your Uncle Jack is a man of excellent
taste. Can you show me where the kitchen is, Steven?"

I smiled to myself outside of their vision. Noelle was looking directly at
the kitchen when she asked. While they rifled through the refrigerator and I
hung Noelle's coat up, I let myself think about why Noelle was here. My urge
was to discount the most immediate answer, but none of the others made any
sense.

Two years ago, the night she had turned sixteen, Noelle had kissed me and
told me that she loved me. I told her that she was too young for me and left
it at that. Since then, I only brought up the subject once and got back the
less-than-reassuring, "Don't worry, Mike. It was much too soon. I should
have known better."

Noelle would turn eighteen tonight. She once told me that her mother
deliberately held off on giving birth so that she would be a Christmas baby,
born shortly after midnight.

Had she decided that her eighteenth birthday was late enough to try again,
then driven ninety minutes in the snow to do so? I thought I knew Noelle
well enough to see it as the sort of thing she was capable of. Most of the
time, Noelle was quiet and agreeable, not at all like a teenager. In most
things, she was easygoing. But, when she wanted something, she could
probably give Jack a run for his money on tenacity.

Since that night, I hadn't really allowed myself to think about what I
wanted out of the situation. The truth was that I had come dangerously close
to taking Noelle up on her offer when she was sixteen. For a few long
seconds, I had considered it. Since then, I have always been ashamed of that
moment of weakness. No matter what I told myself, it all sounded like
excuses.

True, Noelle never behaved like a child. From the first day that Violet
spoke to her, when she was nine or ten years old, she'd had an unshakeable
earnestness. At first, it was born of shyness. As Violet took Noelle under
her wing, as a sort of protege, it became more a genuine matter of poise and
grace.

Violet never treated Noelle like a child. As a result, neither did I. As
time went by, I saw Noelle take on many of Violet's mannerisms. After the
accident, she could take my breath away with a careless gesture.

Steven loved her, too. Best of all, it wasn't the way he loved his
grandmother or Uncle Jack, who he could wrap around his little finger as
soon as look at them. Noelle knew how to handle him, somehow making him look
forward to doing all of the things that were a struggle with other
babysitters. And, she loved Steven. As Violet had done with her, Noelle
never talked down to Steven, but treated him as an equal.

My face turned away from them. The idea that Noelle might be interested in
me so that she could get a hold of my son was actually more comforting than
the idea that she wanted me for myself.

"Is it okay if I take some of the meatloaf?" Noelle called.

"Take whatever you like," I said, closing the closet. "There's no way Steven
and I will eat a third of what was sent."

Noelle nodded and started making up a plate for herself, "Do you two want
anything?"

"Cake!" said Steven.

"We already ate," I said firmly. "If you eat cake now, you're never going to
fall asleep. You know that Santa doesn't come until you're asleep."

Steven nodded gravely.

Noelle put her plate in the microwave, then ducked back into the
refrigerator, emerging with a bottle of beer. She held it up towards me,
"You don't mind?"

I shrugged, "You drink now?"

Noelle removed the magnetic church key from the refrigerator door and popped
the top off of the bottle in a practiced motion, "A little. In Switzerland,
it seems like everyone drinks a little."

I shrugged more expansively, "When in Rome."

Noelle smiled, "Speaking of which, I got to see Rome this year. You'll have
to let me tell you about it."

"Sure," I said. "We have a lot of catching up to do."

Noelle walked over to the breakfast nook, sitting in the chair that looked
out into the living room. I sat back in my easy chair, turning it so that I
could face her. Steven sat at the table and began peppering her with
questions. I was about to send him off on some errand to let Noelle catch
her breath and eat, but she managed to turn the conversation around quickly
until Steven was delivering a monologue while she nodded and occasionally
asked questions whenever he flagged in the narrative.

When she finished, Noelle rose with dishes in hand.

"I can get those," I offered, but she already had them in the sink with the
hot water running and waved me off.

When she walked into the living room, Noelle walked past where I was sitting
to stand and stare at the Christmas tree. Standing in profile, her eyes
seemed to be shining and a faint smile touched her lips.

"You guys have a real tree," she said, her voice wistful. "It's really
beautiful."

"There's a huge pine farm about an hour south of here," I said. "Steven
helped me pick out and cut the tree."

"My parents didn't want to put up a tree this year," said Noelle, sounding
as if she was speaking from far off. "The last time they put one up, I was
twelve. They said there was no point with no children in the house."

"Is that why you came here?" asked Steven. "So Santa knew where to put your
presents?"

Noelle laughed, "No. I came to see you two. I suspect Santa will know enough
to leave my presents at home."

Steven seemed to see the wisdom in this. Last year, he told me he didn't
believe in Santa, but Jack had dressed up and run past his window shortly
after he went to bed. Still, this was probably the last year we would get
away with it.

As I watched, Noelle and Steven had a long conversation about the relative
merits of their schools. Considering the fact that Steven was in the second
grade and Noelle about to finish the equivalent of high school, they still
seemed to have a remarkable number of points of comparison.

While they talked, I wondered to myself if I was going crazy. What on Earth
would a girl about to start college and I even have to talk about. There was
Steven, of course. Whenever she'd come home from school, Noelle had watched
him while I worked. But, after that, what did we really have in common?

As I watched, Noelle raised her hands, drew her hair, worn long and free,
back over her ears, transferred it all to her left hand, twisted it into a
bundle, and laid it over her left shoulder. It was an undeniable Violet
move. Tonight, I found it oddly comforting.

Steven let out a big yawn. Noelle asked, "Are you getting ready for bed,
Steven? The sooner you fall asleep, the sooner you can wake up and see what
Santa brought."

Despite the fact that I had tried the same line of logic with him in years
past without success, Steven nodded and rose from the couch. Turning to face
Noelle, he said, "Daddy says I can't get up until the sun rises, in case
Santa's not done and I scare him off."

Noelle nodded, "Daddy has a point. Want me to tuck you in?"

"Okay," said Steven, running towards his room.

I stood in the doorway and watched as Noelle tucked Steven in to bed, then
kissed him good night on the forehead. Once she stepped out of the way, I
came over and kissed his cheek.

"Good night, Noelle." he said. "Will you be coming to watch me again?"

Noelle looked at me, "I'll have to talk to your father about that. I'll see
you in the morning, Steven."

Out in the living room, I sat back in my chair. Noelle resumed her seat on
the couch.

"So," I asked, letting my real concern show through in my voice, emphasizing
the next word, "is everything all right at home."

Noelle's laugh was laced with weariness, "No, but it's not any less all
right than it's ever been--except that it's Christmas-time, which is always
worse. I just had to get away from it tonight. Mike," she leaned forward so
that she could see me eye-to-eye, "is it really okay that I'm here tonight?
I know I've put you in a position where you can't throw me out..."

I shook my head quickly, before she could go on, "No, Noelle. It's good to
see you."

She sat back, seeming to relax, "It's good to see you too, Mike--you and
Stevie. I was going to come see you before I headed back to Switzerland, but
I didn't plan to drop in quite so abruptly."

I shook my head again, "It's nice to have company tonight."

Noelle nodded, "It must be nice to not have to be out on patrol tonight."

I chuckled, "Yeah, but I don't know what to do with myself. Once Stevie
falls asleep, I'll put out his presents. Then..." I held out my hands in a
gesture of supplication.

Noelle nodded, "Mike, there's something I wanted to talk to you about."

I braced myself. I couldn't give Noelle the answer she wanted. Even if I
could see past the age difference, she just wasn't the woman I was looking
for. She was sweet, serious, and empathetic--all the things the women I had
failed to click with were. I had come to terms with the fact that I would
never be able to replace Violet, but it didn't change what I wanted in a
woman. Violet was sweet, serious, and empathetic, but she was also alive in
a way that I rarely saw in anyone. People often mistook her for shy because
she let so much just slide off of her. But, when she wanted something, she
was fierce, even brazen. We had gone to high school together, been friends,
but always involved with someone else. Shortly after high school, I'd just
started at the police academy in New York. Violet had tracked me down and
refused to go away until I made love to her. Less than six months later, we
were engaged.

I had known that I wanted Violet for years before that. But, she had dated
Aaron Gundleroy, a close friend of mine for most of the time. I thought that
I'd given her no hint as to how I felt, but she knew well enough to put our
friendship and her pride on the line. In that way, she was far braver than I
could ever be.

I nodded to Noelle to continue.

 Noelle crossed her legs, lacing her fingers over one stocking-clad knee.
Taking a deep breath, she said, "I've applied to Stryker for fall. I think
you should take me on as Stevie's au pair while I'm there."

There were so many things I didn't know how to deal with in that statement
that I was momentarily speechless, "I...uh..."

Noelle leaned forward, "I talked to Jack when I called him to get your
address. He said that you've been going to church so that Stevie will have
day care. I already checked with the administration at Stryker and they say
I can be full-time at night. I would be able to watch Stevie during the day
and it's only a twenty-minute..."

"Wait a second," I said, raising my hands. "You're going to Stryker Bible
College?"

Noelle shook her head emphatically, "No. I'm going to Stryker University.
They're opening a liberal arts college alongside SBC next year. I assumed
you would have heard..."

I waved a hand, "I heard something. And, I guess I saw all the construction
equiptment heading up there. I just didn't realize it was opening so soon."

Noelle nodded, "You didn't really think I would go to a Bible college, did
you?"

I shook my head, chuckling, "No. That's why I was confused."

"Of course, I didn't think you'd be going to church every week either," she
added.

I shrugged, "Like Jack said, it's for the day care. I don't have a lot of
options out here."

"So, let me be your au pair." Noelle said. "Stevie's used to me. I'm crazy
about him. You're already my best reference. You know I'll take good care of
him."

"I, uh..." I said again, unable to come up with a cogent argument against
what she'd said. Shaking my beer bottle, I realized it was empty and rose,
knowing I would need more for this conversation.

"So, Mike. What do you say?" she asked, her face hopeful.

"Let me think about it," I said. Watching her face fall, I added almost
involuntarily, "until morning. I'll give you an answer before you go."

"Oh, Mike," she said, leaping to her feet, relief and joy clear on her face.
She wrapped her arms around me. I wanted to protest that I hadn't made up my
mind yet, but the truth was that I had and she already knew it.

With Noelle's arms wrapped around me, her body pressed against mine, the one
issue that had kept me from saying yes immediately came to the forefront of
my brain. The hug felt good and I didn't push her away. To tell the truth,
I'd been feeling depressed and isolated most of the day and, for just a
moment, it felt really good to be hugged. Sensing that Noelle could take the
same solace, I hugged her back.

Once she pulled away a little, I headed to the refrigerator for a fresh
beer. I normally limited myself to one an evening, considering how many cops
let depression lead to alcoholism and worse. Even taking that into
consideration, I had a feeling that tis conversation was going to require
another beer.

When I turned from the refrigerator, Noelle was standing behind me. She
indicated the beer in my hand, "May I?"

Wordlessly, I handed her mine and reached in for another. Somehow, the fact
that she felt this was a two-beer conversation as well comforted me.
Chuckling to myself, I realized that I was feeling a little bit intimidated
by Noelle. There was something vaguely terrifying in her calm composure, so
unlike a girl her age should behave.

As we sat back down on the couch, I decided to ease into the discussion I
knew we would have to have eventually. "So, what ever happened to those
girls who were kidnapped from your school? Were the ever found?"

Noelle nodded, "In a manner of speaking. They turned up on their own. The
whole story was rather convoluted and the school didn't want to tell us too
much, but I don't think they were kidnapped. I think they ran away together.
They were kind of a couple?"

I raised an eyebrow, "Kind of a couple?"

Noelle nodded, "On-again, off-again. They were both into some messed-up
stuff."

"What sort of stuff?" I asked.

"I don't know many details," said Noelle. "It wasn't really my scene. I got
into enough trouble, but they were pretty out of control."

I frowned. This was the first she'd ever mentioned getting in trouble, "What
sort of trouble did you get in?" I asked, stressing the pronoun.

The look Noelle gave me told me that I'd fallen into some sort of erroneous
assumption about her. Turning to face her more directly, I inspected her as
if whatever she'd been up to would have left some sort of physical trace.

"Petty stuff," she said. "Sneaking out, forging a note from my parents,
smoking."

"You smoke?" I asked. I was having a hard time taking in all the surprises
she was throwing at me.

"Not in your house--or in front of Stevie," she said.

"That's appreciated," I said automatically. Somehow, I'd hoped that a
conversation about more mundane things would put me in a more relaxed frame
of mind for what was coming. Instead, I was becoming more off-balance with
each revelation.

"It's really starting to come down out there," said Noelle, looking out the
window. "I should get my things out of the car before the path is completely
snowed over."

I nodded my assent, glad to have a moment to regain my equilibrium. While I
did manage to relax a bit, something else Noelle had said nagged at me. When
she came back inside, she was lugging a green, military-issue duffel bag. It
had snow on it like she'd been forced to drag it part of the way through the
snow.

As she came in the door, I jumped up, taking it from her. By the heft, it
was full of more than just clothes.

I laughed uncertainly, "Were you planning on spending the night or running
away?"

Noelle gave me an enigmatic half-smile, "That depends."

I was dumbstruck for a moment again, but at least it gave me a
conversational opening. Noelle followed me into the guest room, where I laid
her bag on the bed.

"Noelle," I said, turning to her, "there is something we need to talk about
if you're going to be Stevie's au pair."

Noelle held her wrists behind her back and looked up at my expectantly. It
was such an attentive pose that I suspected a degree of mockery in it.

Mocking or not, her unblinking stare made it even more difficult for me to
broach the subject. I turned a little so as not to make direct eye contact.

"You may not even remember this," I said, taking a deep breath, "but, when
you had just turned sixteen, you...you kissed me and told me that you loved
me. I..."

Noelle's smile seemed a little sad, "Of course I remember, Mike. But, like I
told you, it was a moment of weakness. I knew it was too soon to talk about
it."

"I think we should talk about it now."

Noelle shook her head, "It's still too soon."

"I really think it needs to be resolved if you're..."

Noelle cut me off, "In three and a half hours, I'll be an adult. We can talk
about it then...like adults."

"I..."

Noelle raised a finger, "Until midnight, I'm at a distinct disadvantage.
We'll talk about it then."

Seeing the look of consternation on my face, Noelle added, "Why don't you
show me the house, Mike? I'd love to see it."

As she said it, Noelle's hands clasped behind her back, her head tilted
back, and again, she fixed me with that unblinking stare. This time, I was
sure that there was some mockery in it, but it was much easier to just do as
she requested than to call her on it.

I led Noelle through the downstairs rooms. She'd already been in most of
them, at least briefly. I showed her the main bathroom, opened the door to
the master bedroom long enough to turn on the light, wave at the room, and
identify it.

"What's that door lead to?" she asked, pointing across my bedroom.

"The master bathroom," I said.

Noelle trod across the room to the door. At some point, she had taken off
her boots and was now in stocking feet. When she got to the door, she paused
and looked to me for permission. I nodded, realizing that, for some reason,
I'd been holding my breath. Something about watching those feet pad across
my room just made me catch my breath and, once caught, I found myself
unwilling to let it go.

Noelle opened the bathroom door and flicked on the light. Bending at the
waist, she looked inside, her feet still firmly planted on the bedroom
carpet. She emerged after a few seconds, half-turning to face me, and nodded
as if it had passed some sort of inspection.

"Let me show you upstairs," I said, suddenly nervous.

Noelle nodded again and made as if to follow. But, halfway across the room,
she stopped, looking around for a few long seconds. It was long enough that
I had time to do my own quick inventory. King-sized bed with dark green
duvet to match the carpet, black leather chair halfway between the bookshelf
and the stereo, end table with a reading lamp. I didn't consider it either
sufficiently austere or frivolous to warrant such intent scrutiny.

"It's a nice place you have here, Mike."

"Thank you," I said, feeling like I had passed a test. I extended an arm to
guide her out of the room. Noelle took my lead, sliding past the arm and
placing her hand on my chest as if for balance as she passed. As she did,
she held eye contact. Noelle had always had amazing, cloudy green eyes. Many
times, Violet had told her that she would one day knock men dead with those
eyes.

If I hadn't known Noelle for as long as I did, I would have thought she was
trying to seduce me. But, it wasn't in her nature. She had always been sweet
and earnest and direct. When she'd had her crush on me at sixteen, she'd put
it all out there. As gentle as much rejection had been, I could only imagine
how much it had hurt to hear it.

After Noelle passed, I frowned to myself. She was a beautiful young woman
and I was flattered, but I realized that I had decided. I would never
replace Violet, but I needed a woman who was stable enough to be good for
Stevie and still had enough of an edge to excite me.

Unless you knew Violet well, it was easy to make the mistake of thinking
that she was a "good girl." She was certainly a good wife and a good mother,
but that came later, after I fell in love with her. My memories of the
academy will always be colored by the weekends.

                                             -=-

That weekend was the fifth or sixth time Violet had come down to the city
for the weekend since I started at the academy and she went away to school.
While I took a lot of teasing from my roommates about her, we'd shared a
room enough times in the past that I didn't really think much more of it
than I ever had. The quarters might be a little bit tighter than they had
been in the past, but no more than when we'd shared a tent two summers
earlier while hiking down the Appalacian Trail. It had been Violet, her
boyfriend Doug who was also my best friend, my first serious girlfriend
Paula, and me in a four-man tent. We were with a larger group that published
slick pamphlets and talked extensively about the adult supervision. But, in
reality, they were a fly-by-night organization whose "adult supervision" for
most of the trip consisted of four college students who weren't interested
in anything but enjoying the trail and each other's company. Within three
days, Doug and I had kicked our tent-mates out and invited Violet and Paula
in. Compared to that, the two of us in a room the size of that tent was
almost luxurious.

When Violet came to the city, she would drive to New York on Friday
afternoon after her last class, arriving around dusk. Despite all of out
protests, she would then proceed to buy Chinese food for everyone. I didn't
realize it at the time, but she was working hard at getting in good with my
roommates. After dinner, the four of us would hang around in the common
space talking about whatever was on our minds. Eventually, Violet and I
would retire to my room and talk until the wee hours of the morning.

By that point, the visits had become routine. Violet and I had been friends
for a long time and I thought we talked about everything. I liked to believe
and often said that I thought of her as a little sister. It had taken a
while for her to talk to me about the problems she was having with Doug.
But, she eventually explained that, since I had set them up, she didn't want
to sound like she was blaming me for what went wrong.

In hindsight, Violet had dropped so many hints that she wanted more from me
than my friendship they should have crunched when I walked across the floor.
But, I was a particularly dense young man. That night, Violet had finally
gotten tired of waiting for me to catch on. As I was cleaning up after
dinner, my roommates came into the kitchen to tell me that they were headed
out to catch a movie. I asked Violet if she wanted to join them, but she
feigned fatigue and said that she just wanted to stay in. Not knowing that
she'd asked the two of them to make themselves scarce for the rest of the
night, I didn't understand why they were rolling their eyes at each other.

Almost as soon as I heard the front door click, I felt Violet behind me, her
arms encircling my chest as best they could, her lips pressed against my
back. I turned in the circle of her arms, drying my hands.

"Is everything okay?"

She looked up at me, nodding, "Everything is fine. I'm just glad we have a
chance to be alone together."

I nodded, "Those two can be kind of tiresome, but I thought you enjoyed
their company."

Violet made a face, "I didn't say I was glad they were gone. I said I was
glad we were alone."

"Right..." I said uncertainly.

"Do you understand the difference?"

I thought that I did, but I wasn't willing to admit it. So, I said, "No."

She looked me in the eye, annoyed, "Mike, I swear. You are the stupidest boy
I've ever met."

"I...what?"

"Mike, why do you think I've started coming up here since I broke up with
Doug?"

I furrowed my brow, "You said you needed a friend."

"I have friends at college, Mike."

Seeing the look of confusion on my face, she went on, "Today is six months
since I broke up with Doug."

"Congratulations?" I offered weakly.

"Mike," she said, a note of iron in her voice, "put your hands back on the
counter, close your eyes, and don't move."

Doing as I was told, I  felt Violet lean down and place a kiss on my chest
just above the neckline of my t-shirt, charmingly (but, I have to admit
accurately in my experience as a police officer) nicknamed a "wife beater."
Moving down about an inch, she placed another one than another.

I was stuck teetering between letting Violet do what we both wanted to do
and stopping her. Before I'd set her up with Doug, we'd decided that it was
more important that we remain friends than date. In fairness, it had been
the right decision at the time. I had made a lot of dating mistakes since
then. Had I made them with Violet, we would not have been friends any more.

I was not as dense at I make it seem, either. It wasn't that I never thought
Violet's actions were meant to seduce me. To the contrary, about a year
after I set up Violet and Doug, I started to think that everything she did
was meant to seduce me. I had just enough self-control to realize that
couldn't be the case and ignore every indication to the contrary.

I was right to a degree. Violet was a merciless flirt in general and,
realizing that I would do nothing about it, Violet took particular delight
in tormenting me. She was smart enough not to do it in front of Doug or
whoever I was dating at the moment or anyone who knew them. Even then, she
had blend.

This was different, though. There was no way it could be mistaken for
innocent flirtation. As she got to my stomach, she pulled my t-shirt up to
rain kisses directly on the skin. It was something that I'd dreamed about
for so long that the feel of it actually made me moan out loud.

So intent was I on the kisses that I hadn't noticed her undoing my belt
until my pants were suddenly down around my ankles. My eyes flew open and I
caught her wrists as I felt her hands on the waistband of my boxers.

"Violet," I said, half a reproach, half a moan of frustration as I dragged
her to her feet. "What are you doing?"

"Come on, Mike," she chided. "Even you know the answer to that one."

"But...we don't...we talked about this."

"When we were fourteen!" Violet said indignantly. "Let go of me."

I released her wrists.

Violet sounded angry, "Mike, I'm tired of playing games. I want this. You
want this. We both have for a long time. Stop fighting me. And don't give me
that lame line about not wanting to introduce sex and risk ruining a
friendship. Sex has been introduced. It's too late for that now."

"We need to talk about this," I said as reasonably as I could imagine.

Violet shook her head in the negative and started unbuttoning her blouse.

"Violet, what are you doing?" I asked, starting to panic.

"I'm taking my clothes off," she said unnecessarily. Then, she added, "and
I'm not putting them back on until you fuck me." I tried to open my mouth to
protest, but she placed a finger on my lips. "No more talking, Mike. If I
let you, you would talk this thing to death. You would dissect and analyze
it until it was a bloodless carcass, bereft of life or passion. I'm going in
your room now and I'm taking off the rest of my clothes. Eventually, you're
going to have to come in there and deal with me."

I would have followed her immediately, but my first step reminded me that my
pants were still down around my ankles by almost pitching me flat on my
face. By the time I disentangled myself, Violet had made good on her promise
and was lying naked on my bed, arms slightly akimbo.

Knowing when I was beaten, I didn't try to talk anymore. I lay down next to
Violet, wrapping my arms around her and kissing her. If I'd had any
lingering doubt that Violet loved or wanted me before that night, that first
time proved it to me. I was so nervous, conflicted, and awkward that what we
did could only charitably be considered sex. The fact that she ever let me
try again was all the proof I needed of her affection.

And try again we did--that night, that weekend, and nearly every weekend
that followed. The walls were thin and conditions cramped. No matter how
quiet we tried to be, my roommates always knew what we were up to. So,
improbable as it sounded, we found ourselves most weekends escaping to the
streets of Manhattan for some privacy. During the week, I learned how to be
an officer of the law. On the weekends, I learned the finer points of
trespassing and breaking and entering. We restricted those activities
largely to parks and courtyards. But, had we been caught it could well have
ended my career before it started. That only added to the excitement. I'd
wanted to be a cop since I was six. It felt like I'd wanted Violet longer,
even though I knew that wasn't possible.

That was the woman I fell in love with: the sweet, serious, empathetic,
merciless flirt goading me into following her over the wrought-iron fence of
some tiny, nameless park so that we could make love in the grass to the
sounds of the city.

                                             -=-

I'd fallen into exactly the trap I had hoped to avoid this year. Without the
patrol to keep me busy, I'd started to reminisce about Violet. Even if the
pain had faded, even the best memories still brought a certain melancholy
with them.

Despite the fact that it had all come back in a rush and I had only missed a
half-step, Noelle stopped behind me, laying a hand gently on my arm, "Mike,
are you okay?"

I nodded, "Just tired. Let me show you the upstairs."

Noelle made a skeptical face like she was looking right through me, but
followed me to the spiral staircase. I undid the chain that closed off the
bottom of the stairway, handing it to Noelle, "Redo that behind you, please.
It's how I keep Stevie from climbing the stairs when I'm not watching."

Noelle did as I asked her, "That's not going to work much longer."

I laughed, "It doesn't really work now. He could open it if he wanted to. He
doesn't because I told him not to." Still laughing, I said, "Of course,
that's not going to work much longer either."

Noelle laughed along with me. She'd spent enough time with Stevie to know
that it was true.

Turning to offer my hand to help her out of the stairwell, I caught an oddly
calculating look on her face. It disappeared so quickly that I almost could
have imagined it. Still, it had definitely been there and incongruous enough
that it reminded me of the scenes in old horror movies where an actor would
change their facial expression dramatically to indicate that they were
possessed.

As brief as it had been, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had made a lot of
assumptions about Noelle based on the way she behaved when I was around,
most of which had been spent babysitting. What did I really know about her?
For that matter, what did I really know about about any of the women I'd
been set up with? None of the characteristics I was looking for were going
to show up on a first date or, for that matter, while trying to watch a
child.

"Wow, this is cool!" exclaimed Noelle. Her face was open and full of joy,
the way I expected Stevie to look in a few hours. She was doing a wide
circuit of the room, taking in the furnishings. "Did you buy all of this
stuff since you moved here?"

"Just the pool table," I said. "Jack got me a really good price on it. Most
of this was Violet's when we got married or wedding gifts. It was in storage
until we got a bigger place."

"I'm sorry," said Noelle. "I didn't mean to..."

I smiled, "No. You didn't. I love this room--listening to her music, reading
her books. It's a much better shrine than a closet-full of unworn clothes. I
feel really close to her when I'm here."

Noelle paused at the bookshelf, running her fingers over the titles,
strolling along its length. I could see her eyes drawing in every detail,
contemplating the titles. It was a revelation of another sort.

"You miss her too, don't you?"

Noelle shook her head as if to deny it, "Not the way you do. But, yeah."
When I didn't speak for a few seconds, she added, "She was my best friend. I
know it should have been someone closer to my own age, but..."

"She talked about you constantly," I said. "I don't think she cared how old
you were."

Noelle smiled shyly, "She talked about you a lot, too. That's how I know she
didn't care how old I was."

It took a few seconds for that statement to sink in, "I...uh. I'm afraid to
ask, but what did she tell you about me?"

Noelle grinned and I could sense that she was enjoying my discomfort, "When
I started to get interested in boys, she would always answer my questions.
She only had two examples to draw from--you and her first boyfriend, Dave."

"Doug," I said.

"Right," said Noelle. "She didn't talk about him much."

I realized that I was fighting down the urge to blush, "I didn't know she
talked to you about me...in that context."

"I know," said Noelle. "She said you would take you over your knee and spank
her if you ever found out."

I laughed nervously, trying to pass it off as a joke. I could tell by the
calm, but amused look on Noelle's face that she knew better and was not
shocked.

"So," she asked, turning back to the bookshelves, "if I became your au pair,
could I read some of her books, too? She recommended a lot of them to me."

Relieved that the question had nothing to do with spanking, I was quick to
consent, "Even if you don't decide to be my au pair, I'm sure you could
borrow a few. You've always been the responsible type."

Noelle's laugh was both involuntary and bitter, "That's me."

I tried to backtrack, "I just mean that you've always been good with Stevie.
It wasn't an indictment."

Noelle sat down on the overstuffed couch, "I'm sorry, Mike. It's just that
I've heard it so many times and I thought you knew me better."

I sat down next to her, "I suppose I don't. Until tonight, I thought I did.
I'd like to."

Noelle looked up, only the tiniest hint of her previous sullenness on her
face, "Really?"

"Really," I said. "Shock me. I'm ready for it."

Noelle bit her lower lip as if deep in thought, "Where should I start? I
don't want to shock you all at once. Your heart may not be able to take it."

"My heart is fine," I said indignantly, punching the spot over the organ in
question. "I am strong, like ox. But, if you want to start slow and build
up, go ahead."

Noelle thought for another few seconds, then said, "I've been skinny dipping
in Lake Geneva."

"Really?" I asked, surprised. "Isn't it cold?"

"Freezing," said Noelle, "but you get used to it fairly quickly. You've been
skinny dipping before, haven't you?"

I scowled, "Is there anything she didn't tell you?"

"Maybe," she said, smiling wickedly. "You go next."

I shook my head in the negative, "Not a chance. I have a feeling you know
too damned much about me as it is. This is about my getting to know you. Was
this skinny-dipping incident with boys?"

"It was more of a habit than an incident," said Noelle. "And, most of the
time, there were no boys there. We were in a girl's school in the middle of
nowhere."

I frowned, "You didn't swim with those girls, did you?"

"Which girls?"

"The ones who were into all sorts of trouble--the ones you said were an
on-again, off-again...couple."

Noelle nodded, "Once or twice. Like I said, I didn't really hang out with
them."

I didn't say anything. Noelle sat up to look at me, "I also didn't fool
around with them if that's what you were asking. I hope that's not too
disappointing."

"I...uh, wasn't. But, that's good to know," I said uneasily.

"Everyone seems to get to that question eventually," she said. "There's just
something about 'Swiss girls boarding school...'"

I put my hands out in a gesture of surrender, "Well, from the limited
information you've told me about your school...I don't know. It doesn't
sound like some place I'd want my daughter to go."

"You wouldn't be the only one to feel that way," Noelle admitted. "The
administration seems to feel that anything that goes wrong is the fault of
'a bad element' that will move on soon enough. My parents...well, I don't
know what my parents think, but they're determined that I'm going to
graduate. After the second kidnapping, about a third of the class was pulled
out of school, including the few girls I actually considered friends."

I nodded gravely, "That sounds rough."

Noelle sighed, "It's going to be a lonely year." Standing up, she strolled
over to the pool table, idly rolling the cue ball across the tabletop with
the palm of her hand, "Do you play?"

I nodded, rising, "I've just gotten back into it since moving. I used to
play a lot during high school."

Noelle went to the wall, taking down a cue, sighting down the length of it,
"I play at school." She put the cue back, picking a second one, sighting
it's length and checking its balance. Gripping it in one hand, she took a
couple of steps towards the table, "May I?"

"By all means."

She drew out the eight ball rack, crouched down, found the nine ball rack
and started separating the solid-colored balls from the return. So intent
was she on what she was doing that, for the moment, I could tell that I was
completely forgotten.

Sitting where I was, I could only hear the break, but it sounded clean and
ended with the dull thunk of a pocketed ball. Even before I heard the thunk,
Noelle was already lining up her next shot, rechalking as she walked.

The next shot, Noelle stood perpendicular to my line of sight, leaning
forward over the table to line up her cue.

Most people, when they say that they play pool, really mean that they've
played a game or two of it from time to time, badly. When I'd played
competitively in high school, everyone told me that they played pool until
the phrase, "I play pool" became completely meaningless.

Noelle, on the other hand, played pool. I could tell my her stroke and poise
that the shot was good even before I heard the cue ball strike its target.

Rising from the couch, I watched the next shot play out. Noelle had scored a
clean break and left herself an easy lay to clear the table except for one
tricky spot where the eight and five balls hugged each other in the wrong
order by one corner.

The next shot solved her problem. Easily sinking the three ball, she put
enough English on the cue ball to bring it back to the rail, banking back
behind the logjam before caroming into the logjam, splitting it neatly and
leaving the cue on a clear three-point line with the four-ball and the
pocket.

I gave a low whistle. It was a shot that I wouldn't have tried in my
current, relatively rusty state. More likely, I would have sunk the three
and four, then lightly kissed the five and snookered my opponent, rather
than risking being snookered myself after the three.

As I stood and watched, Noelle easily cleared the table. Without looking to
see if the nine ball sank, she turned to me, "Want to play a rack?"

I shook my head, "I haven't got my chops back yet. You would just embarass
me."

She walked up to me, laying a hand on my chest, "Don't worry, Mike. I won't
tell anybody if you can't keep up with me."

Despite the obviousness of the ploy, I couldn't resist the bait. Glowering
down at her, I growled, "Lag to break."

I won the break. Not having touched a cue in a couple of weeks, my break
wasn't clean. I wound up leaving the four ball and a clear run for Noelle.
On her break, she ran the table again. My next break was smoother, but I
tried to show off with a tricky shot on the five and ended up scratching.
Noelle gave me a bemused look.

As Noelle sank the nine again, I said, "All right. We've now established the
truth of my statement. That was an embarrassment."

Noelle tapped the base of her cue on the carpet, "I'm sure you're just out
of practice. Violet told me you really used to be an ace player."

I nodded, "I did all right."

"She also told me how disappointed you were that you couldn't fit a pool
table into your last house."

I shrugged, "The room I was going to put the table in became Stevie's
bedroom. I think I came out all right on that deal."

Noelle nodded, crouching down to get the tabletop at eye level and running
one hand over the smooth red felt, "It's a gorgeous table. Do you think
you'll teach Steven how to play?"

"I'd like to," I said. "But, I don't want to be one of those dads who pushes
his kid into doing all the same things he did when he was young."

Noelle nodded sagely, still stroking the felt.

"Did you really learn how to play that well at school?" I blurted out. It
just didn't seem possible to me.

"Not entirely," she said, straightening up. "I played a lot with...a man I
was seeing in Bern."

I racked my cue, "I didn't know you were seeing someone. When was this?"

Noelle came over and racked her cue next to mine, "I met him just before
winter break, when I was fifteen. We started seeing each other more
seriously after that. It lasted about a year." She dragged a long strand of
hair back behind her ear.

I nodded, not wanting to ask too invasive a question, but after a few
seconds, Noelle went on without prompting, "He was a graduate student at the
university there. I met him when he was camping near the school with some
friends."

I nodded, seeing that she wanted to talk, but not knowing the script for
this sort of conversation, "So, how did you two start dating?"

"I don't think we did," said Noelle. "The first time he came down, we met
him and his friends by random chance. They said they were coming back the
following week and a few of us deliberately went over the wall to meet them.
Eventually, people just started pairing off and I wound up with Peter."

"You wound up with him?" I asked.

"I don't mean to make it sound so casual," amended Noelle. "I liked him. He
was smart and funny and genuinely interesting. But, it's not like we ever
went anywhere at first. We would come to their campsite and hang out--eat
and drink and go swimming sometimes."

"Swimming?" I asked. "I thought you said this was right before the winter
break."

Noelle nodded, "It was more of a dare than anything else, like polar bear
club. But, once you got in the water, you warmed up pretty quickly."

I didn't want to ask the next question, but my male ego seemed to demand it,
"And you got serious with this Peter after you got back from winter break?"

Noelle yawned and nodded, placing her hands behind her head and arching her
back before sitting back down on the couch, "Yeah. We both knew it was going
that way, but he wanted to wait until I was old enough."

"You were sixteen," I exclaimed. I couldn't help myself.

Noelle's smile was a little bit sad and made her look wise beyond her years,
"In Switzerland, you're an adult at sixteen--at least in any way that
mattered at the time."

"So..." I asked cautiously, "that night when we kissed, you were..."

Noelle interrupted me, "It's still two hours to midnight, Mike. It's better
to wait to have this conversation."

I shook my head, "Let's have it now. I don't know if I can work up the
courage to ask twice."

Noelle patted a spot next to her on the couch, indicating I should sit. With
no small amount of trepidation, I did, half turning to face her.

"Violet gave me a lot of advice about boys. More than that, I saw how happy
you two were together. By the time I was twelve, I knew I wanted someone
like you."

"Noelle," I said, "I know how upset it can make you to keep harping on the
age issue, but that's awfully young to make that kind of a decision."

Her green eyes bore into mine with sudden intensity, "Mike, how old were you
when you decided you wanted to be a cop?"

I laughed, "Steven's age, maybe a little younger."

Noelle started to say something, but I cut her off, "And, at thirteen, I was
sure I wanted to be a pool hustler like in 'The Color of Money.'"

Noelle nodded, "But, you always went back to wanting to be a cop."

Try as I might, I couldn't find a flaw in her logic. As I looked for one,
Noelle went on, "After Violet died, you were so miserable, I just wanted to
go to you. I know that sounds awful, but..."

I shook my head, "No. It's very sweet, but..."

"I was too young," filled in Noelle. "I would have, though. I just knew that
Violet wouldn't want you to be so sad."

I laughed. While I would like to believe that Violet would not want me
jumping into bed with the babysitter to mourn her, I wasn't so sure. She'd
had a lot of ideas I'd never fully understood or even comprehended.

"I still want someone like you, Mike."

So, there it was. I couldn't imagine what it had taken Noelle to say it. I
knew that she was braver than I could have been. Instinctively, I opened my
mouth to say something, but stopped myself. I could almost see Violet making
a warning face at me, hovering like the ghost of Christmas past. So,
instead, I reached out, wrapping my hand around the back of Noelle's neck.
As she looked up expectantly, I drew her to me, kissing her gently on the
lips. Her hands flew up, holding both sides of my head, holding me to her,
forcing me to kiss her more intensely. Drawing one arm around her slender
waist, I drew her into my lap.

Finally coming up for air, Noelle smiled down at me, one hand stroking my
hair, "That was unexpected," she said breathlessly, "but not unwelcome."

She started to come in for another kiss, but I restrained her. Her eyes went
to the clock, "Don't do this to me, Mike. The two hours before midnight on
Christmas Eve are the longest unit of time in the world."

I laughed, "It's not that. But, if this goes much farther right now, there's
going to be a little boy who thinks that Santa put him on the naughty list
this year."

She sat up, "Stevie's presents. Oh, Mike. I feel awful. I forgot."

I laughed, "I'm betting he's asleep by now. Let's set them under the tree
now."

Noelle nodded, "Where did you hide them?"

Standing up, I led her to the door to my home office. Taking out my key, I
opened a free-standing wardrobe. The pile of gifts inside filled it more
than halfway.

"Jesus, Mike," said Noelle, "did you rob a toy store?"

I shook my head, "I bought less than half of these. Most of them are from
Violet's family. Well, most of them are from Jack, but Steven's grandparents
added significantly to the bulk. We all know that we've lucked out on the
Santa thing this year. They seem to want to make sure Steven has a vested
interest in Santa being real."

Noelle giggled, "He's a lucky kid."

I growled, "He's a spoiled kid," but there was real mirth in the growl.

For the next half-hour, Noelle and I ferried presents down from the office
and arranged them under the tree. When they were all arranged, she asked,
"Is that it?"

"Almost," I said. "There's one more present I need to deal with. Come with
me."

Noelle got an impish look as I led her to the bedroom. She couldn't see that
mine matched hers, "Sit down and close your eyes."

Noelle sat on the bed. Once her eyes were closed, I went to the closet. Once
I had retrieved what I was looking for, I stood in front of her, waiting and
making no sound.

"Mike?" she called. I didn't answer. She called again. When I still didn't
answer, she opened her eyes and looked up me quizzically.

I held out a small box in faded green Christmas wrap with a withered red
ribbon on it. As Noelle took it into her hands, I said, "When we cleaned out
the old house, I found the stash of Christmas presents Violet put aside
before she died. The string had dissolved, but there had been a tag attached
to this one, indicating that it was for you."

Noelle shook it gently, "Do you know what it is?"

"I have an idea," I admitted. "But, I'm not sure."

"Should I open it now?" she asked.

I nodded, "I don't think either one of us has a particularly special place
in our hearts for Christmas and it's four years late."

Reverently, Noelle slipped off the ribbon and slit the ancient Scotch tape
with her fingernail. A little, green gift box from Tiffany & Company slid
out. Opening it so that the lid obscured the contents from me, Noelle's hand
went to her mouth and tears welled up in her eyes.

I sat down behind her. A quick glance told me that I had guessed correctly
as to the nature of the gift. It was a necklace that Violet's grandfather
had given her--a silver chain with an elaborately worked pendant of peridot
and chrysoprase. For sentimental reasons, Violet had always loved the piece,
but privately admitted that it didn't really match her pale skin, black
hair, and dark eyes. All of her favorite jewelry was much closer in color to
her namesake, made of dark blue and purple stones.

After Violet's grandfather had died, I hadn't seen the necklace for a couple
of years until I came home one evening to find Violet and Noelle sitting at
Violet's dressing table. Violet had been dressing and making Noelle up to
the point where I didn't immediately recognize her. This necklace had been
the center point of the transformation.

"Mike," Noelle had asked, "look at me. Aren't I pretty?"

Violet had smiled in self-satisfaction, "Isn't she beautiful?"

I walked up to Violet and kissed her forehead, "She really is. You're going
to break a lot of hearts one of these days, Noelle."

I hadn't known what the look Noelle gave me meant then, but it came to me
now in a shiver of realization.

In the here and now, Noelle undid her choker with shaking finger, "Put it on
me, please, Mike."

As Noelle pulled her hair away, I reached around her waist and lifted the
necklace reverentially from its case. With practiced care, I drew it around
her neck and fastened the clasp. It was an antique chain and the clasp was
particularly tricky. I had done this exact same ritual for Violet dozens of
times.

Finishing the ritual as I had always done for Violet, I kissed Noelle
directly above the clasp and below the hairline. She shivered. I knew that I
was treading a fine line between homage to my dead wife and morbidity and
suspected I always would, but it felt right.

Noelle leaned back against me, laying her head on my shoulder. I drew her
into my lap again, kissing her lips, teasing her tongue with my own. She let
out a moan that sounded more like relief than anything else. When the kiss
ended, she was laughing with tears running down her cheeks.

"What's so funny?" I asked.

Noelle said, "I thought for sure I was going to have to wear you down more
than this. I wasn't looking forward to our talk after midnight."

I kissed her again, "Someone once told me I talk too damned much at times
like this. I finally decided to take their advice."

Prolonging the kiss, I pushed Noelle backwards until she was lying flat. My
hands were shaking as I undid the top button on her sweater, but had
steadied by the bottom one. I looked down at her for a few elongated seconds
before reaching over and turning off the bedside lamp.

The room was instantly bathed in moonlight, filtered by the blizzard now
raging outside. Noelle was now a pale shape beneath me, her necklace
gleaming green.

I kissed the hollow of her throat. I kissed her just below where the pendant
lay. I kissed her stomach above the navel. Noelle's hands were running
through my hair now, pressing me to her with barely-contained urgency.

Finding the clasp of her skirt, I undid it and unzipped her. Drawing the
skirt off, I kissed my way from her ankle to her inner thigh. She moaned as
I passed the knee, wrapping her legs around my shoulders.

I kissed Noelle experimentally through the fabric of her panties. She
gasped. After a few more kisses, I lifted myself up on my elbows to look
down at her. The moonlight gave her skin an almost preternaturally pale
sheen, broken by the brilliant green of her eyes, the necklace and her
underclothes.

Taking advantage of the pause, Noelle drew my button-down shirt and t-shirt
over my head in one motion, then arched up to kiss my chest. I put one hand
in the small of her back to support her there. With one hand pressed to the
small of my back, Noelle's other hand was already unzipping my pants and
stripping the rest of my clothes off.

"Make love to me, Mike," she whispered in my ear. There was an edge of
desperation in her voice, like she was afraid that it still might not
happen.

Releasing my hold on her back, I used both hands to strip away the thin
layer of cotton between us, my hand going to the juncture between her
thighs. Noelle moaned at my touch, her flesh trembling.

With my other hand, I stripped off the last barrier between us before
kissing her ruby-red nipples. Meanwhile, my fingers probed deeper inside of
her. Noelle writhed against my hand as if trying to draw me in deeper still.
I chuckled quietly at her obvious sense of urgency.

"Please, Mike. I want you so badly." she moaned. An idle part of my mind was
impressed that she managed to be grammatically correct at a time like this.
But, I suspected that would be part of Noelle's charm, too.

"And I want you, Noelle," I answered. "Soon enough."

I saw her turn her head to look for the bedside clock and chuckled, "No. Not
that. I just want to touch you a while longer."

Noelle nodded. Already my hands were stroking her body, learning the curves
of it, memorizing hill and valley. Noelle undulated beneath my hands, her
breathing shallow.

After a few minutes of that treatment, her hand snaked up and wrapped around
my cock, eliciting a moan of surprise. At the same time, she opened her legs
wider. I let myself be guided until I lay on top of her.

"I love you, Mike," she whispered.

I wanted to tell her that it was too soon for such sentiments, that she had
her whole life ahead of her and was much too young to be making such a
momentous announcement, that she would find someone else one day and want to
move on. But, I'd thought the same thing two years ago and, so far, things
had not panned out at all like I had expected.

Instead, I said what I'd known since that kiss two years before, even if I'd
been unwilling to admit the entirety of it, "I love you too, Noelle. I don't
know if it can work, but I want it to."

Noelle nodded, giving my bottom a nudge with her legs so that I slid inside
of her. She cried out, wrapping her legs more tightly around me and raising
her hips to meet mine. I wanted to be gentle, but she was having none of it.
She met my gentle thrusts with fierce ones until I had no choice but to
drive down at her in kind. Eventually, I used my superior weight and
leverage to pin her down long enough to pace myself and keep her from
hurting one of us. She squirmed underneath me as if trying to escape.

At some point, I realized that her entire body had been trembling beneath me
for some time and drew her up into my arms, sitting back on my haunches.
Holding her pressed against my chest, we moved slowly against each other,
finally gentle.

I held her like that, our arms wrapped around each other, our lips meeting
again and again. I was content to hold her like that forever, holding myself
inside of her.

The tempo increased so slowly as to be almost imperceptible. Inside of me,
the urgency built at a similar pace until I began to wonder if it would ever
overwhelm me. It finally did, elicited a raw cry from my throat that Noelle
smothered with a kiss.

We lay intertwined for a long time until I thought Noelle must be asleep,
but she slipped from my arms a few minutes later.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"To my room," said Noelle. "The sun will be up soon enough and I'm sure
Steven will come bursting in here."

"Go and get your things and bring them back here," I told her. "I'm not
going to hide this. People will know soon enough."

Noelle wrapped herself in my bathrobe, "Some people won't understand."

"I know," I said. "There's only one person whose opinion really concerns me,
but I'll be damned if I'm going to live in fear of his opprobrium."

When Noelle came back with her overnight bag, she asked, "Who?"

"Jack," I said. "He's my ex-brother-in-law, but he's also my boss."

Noelle laughed, "You don't have to worry about Jack. When I called him to
find out where you lived he made a point of telling me that you were still
single and hadn't clicked with any of the women he set you up with."

I lay back, chuckling in wonder. Apparently, Jack knew me and possibly his
sister better than I gave him credit for.

As Noelle drew out silky green pajamas from her overnight bag, I caught
sight of something that made me grab her wrist before she could hide it.
Sitting on top of her pile of clothes was a big, red bow almost as large as
Noelle's head attached to a foot-wide ribbon. I glared at her suspiciously.

For the first time in the evening, Noelle had the decency to blush, but she
still looked me in the eye and said, "You weren't getting away this time,
Mike."

"God, Noelle," I said. "That's so corny."

Noelle nodded, "I know. And, you wouldn't believe how thankful I am that I
didn't have to resort to it. But, I didn't know how hard you were going to
fight me."

As the revelation hit me, I blushed as deeply as I ever had. I'd had no idea
a man could be this embarrassed and live. "Jesus Christ! I can't believe she
told you about that."

Noelle sat on my lap, kissing me on the mouth, "Please don't be mad with
Violet..."

I wrapped my arm around her waist, hugging her to me, "Considering the
results, I suppose I can't, but..."

Whatever I was going to say, Noelle smothered it with another kiss.

                                -=-

The time that Steven came into my room could only be called sunrise by a
child's wishful thinking on Christmas morning. He seemed completely
non-plussed by Noelle's presence, dragging us each by one hand to the living
room where he proceded to denude his presents in record time. Noelle sat
cuddled against my side, dozing, but smiling.

I made pancakes while Steven and Noelle cleaned up wrapping paper and he
explained the working of various toys to her. After breakfast, to my
amazement, he chose the silver, bowl-shaped sled I'd gotten him over all of
the expensive beeping, flashing, and squealing toys he'd asked for. It was
just like the one I'd had at his age.

He was dressed and ready to go out while Noelle and I were still finishing
our coffee, curled together on the couch, anxious to go out to the hill
across the way.

"Start out back, little man," I said. Our backyard is fenced in, has a
gently incline, and can be seen from my bedroom window. "Noelle and I need
to get dressed before we can go out."

The back door slammed a few seconds later. Noelle turned to me, chuckling. I
hugged her to my chest.

"Don't get any funny ideas, Mike," she said quietly. "I still hate
Christmas."

"Me too," I agreed. "But, this year, I'll make an exception."

Eve, Eventide
by Vulgar Argot
(MF, rom, reluc/M)

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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