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From: Anoninsac <anoninsac@yahoo.com>
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Subject: {ASSM} A Texas Weddin' (wedding MF humor) {Anoninsac}
Date: Thu, 28 Aug 2003 07:10:02 -0400
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Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is
copyright, 2003 with all rights reserved by the author
unless explicitly waived. Non-commercial re-posts to
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courtesy to the author please do not delete the
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The author relishes your comments at anoninsac (at)
yahoo (dot) com. Right now my inbox is filling every
hour with the sobig virus. If I don't answer try
again... If you like this story, see my other stories at
www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/anoninsac/www.

WARNINGS: This story depicts consensual sexual
activity between men and women. If you are too young
to read about sex please do not read this.

This story was written as part of the Wedding
celebration for Souvie. Congratulations to all young
lovers! The below is 100% true. I swear... ;-)


                  A Texas Weddin'

The groom, in his new bib overalls and his fancy dress
boots, stood by the altar at the end of the aisle that
had been cleared of tumbleweeds. Thar were lots of
spring Bluebonnets scattered all around and a canvas
overhang had been put up on tall tent poles to keep
the sun offen the people. The cows had been run out of
the pasture to prevent one o' them unfortunate
accidents like happened at Debra Jo Becker's weddin'.
Tarnation, steppin' in a fresh cow patty as ya'all are
tryin' to get to the altar is just a bad omen to start
out your life together.

Since it was already ten in the morning all the boys
had been drinkin' long necks for nigh onto four hours.
The women folk was still a scurryin' around getting'
the youngins in place. Right then the fiddler took up
the march, at least ways, some of them notes sounded
like a weddin' march. Old Jake, the fiddler, had been
pullin' on them long necks since dawn hisself and he
was havin' a might of a problem. Now, I seen Jake
playin' Barn music so tore he could hardly stand. But
sumthing fancy like a weddin' march was a bit too much
for Jake in his current condition.

I was getting' a might antsy and I was aware of a
bunch of the men folk edgin' toward the back of the
weddin' tent. Then some of the women folk noticed and
we got them stares, `Where in tarnation you think
you're going?' Amazing what a women can do with her
eyes. We all looked over at the open pit where the
barbeque was smellin' so damn fine and the long necks
was coolin' off in the ice and we'd licked our lips
and edge back a ways in toward the middle of the
weddin' tent.

Right then the bride, Susie Ann, done showed up. She
was wearing white, which don't seem right. I mean,
thar ain't been a woman make it to the altar a virgin
in Texas for nigh on a hundert years. I mean, if'n the
girl cain't find anyone else that's what family is
for, ain't it? But tradition is tradition, so she was
decked out in a white cowgirl shirt with them tassels
sewed all up the arms and `crossed the chest. Them
silver buttons just a glinted in the sun makin' the
whole thing sparkle. She had on white jeans that
looked like they was spray painted on. I mean, damn,
you could see'd she weren't wearin' a lick under them
things. Of course, she was a gettin' married so it
didn't seem right to stare. And she had borrowed her
Ma's finest boots and had them dyed a pure white to
finish up the outfit. She was plumb purty if ya asked
me. Good enough to eat if you'll excuse the vulgarity
on such a day.

Well, Susie Ann took off down the aisle draggin' her
poor Pa after. She waren't gonna let no man get away
once't she had him at the Altar! Them boots raised a
fine trail of dust as she clomped down the aisle. The
women folk was gettin' teary, dabbin' at their eyes
and smilin' like sumthing great was a happenin'. All
that was happenin' was poor Jethro Tyrone Jackson was
a tyin' hisself down. That just ain't nuthin' to
celebrate to my mind.

The Revered Jackson, Jethro's uncle, (and some wags
say his Pa but ya all know'd how them preacher men
are) stepped forward and recited some words from the
Good Book. I weren't paying no mind so I cain't
rightly tell ya what he said. I was edging my way
toward the back o' the tent agin so when he had done
married them two I wasn't kilt in the stampede. I was
a plannin' to be out o' thar first. Well, I heard the
Revered say, "You are now Man and Wife," right as Jeb
Ferguson tore out of the weddin' tent. I followed on
his heels. You know, old Jeb sure is spry for a man
near seventy. But I run him down purty easy. The rest
of the men folk was putting dust in the air as well so
I kept a pumping my legs as if a longhorn in a rut was
on my tail. Billy Joe Wheelock passed me right about
the last ten yards to the barbeque but I was a solid
second. Billy Joe is a first class runner `cuz when
his Pa's been drinkin' ole Billy Joe has to run faster
than his Pa can swing a switch. 

Susie Ann's Pa had hired some of the brazeros from the
Bar K ranch and them boys had been cookin' all
morning. Now, you got to be careful when you get
Mexicans to do the barbeque. I like a little fire in
my barbeque same as any self-respecting Texan but them
brazeros could put enough peppers in the sauce to
light you up like a Christmas tree. The boys had the
meat ready to go, knowing it was in their best
interests not to hold back on the food. They was
piling the ribs and brisket on plates and topping that
with black eyed peas and taters baked in the fire pit.
Man, that is good eatin'. I got a plate and escaped
the jostling that was beginning now that the smell of
meat was in them boy's noses. I grabbed me a handful
o' long necks to wash down the ribs and settled in
under a lone cottonwood growing by the stream. Now,
the steam was just a trickle but it was water and that
just makes things seem cooler. Afor ya knowed it, it
was getting' a might crowded with all the men chowing
down under that tree. I held my own and kept my place
up agin the trunk.

Now this was heaven. The meat was cooked just perfect,
fallin' off the bone, and the sauce was just right.
Add in them long necks and that baked tater and I was
in heaven. After we'd had a chance to get the edge
offen our hunger we started to laugh about poor Jethro
Tyrone and what he'd be doing in a few hours. The
conversation turned a bit ribald if ya catch my drift.
We knew that double-wide would be a rockin' tonight!
Old Jeb was laughin' and tellin' `bout the time Joe
Bob Clanton had to get married. The bride was in a
family way and on the honeymoon she wouldn't let him
touch her - afraid she'd get pregnant! Poor Joe Bob
begged and pleaded all night long but it did him no
good. Wasn't until the next day when her Ma explained
that she couldn't get pregnant once't she already was
in that condition she done let him have his way. That
poor boy had a case of blue balls coulda kilt a lesser
man.

Well, we men finished up eatin' and finished up more
than a few long necks. The women folk was all gathered
`round Susie Ann, cooing and noddin' and tarnation
knows what else. Jethro had to stand thar like he was
havin' fun, poor bastard, or else't he'd get what the
little piggy got once't the honeymoon started. That
poor boy was now at the mercy of a woman. Woe is him.

We all had made a few trips to the ice bucket and down
to the stream to drain the lizard and I were feelin' a
bit woozy. I looked `round and most of the men folk
was noddin' off under the cottonwood, fixin' to sleep
off them long necks and several pounds of barbeque.
Afor I knowed it, I joined `em.

                         *****

The sun was just settin' when I woke. I realized that
the fiddle music was a startin'. Time to dance. The
women folk was gathered `round waitin' for some lucky
gent to kick up his heels with them. I grabbed Zelda
Mae Walker by the hand and dragged her out of the
crowd of women. She pretended to be fightin' but when
we was clear o' them women she kicked up her heels and
started to dance. I had to hurry to catch up. 

I don't rightly know why but it just seemed I was
dancing with Zelda the whole night. I got to admit I
was havin' a fine time but a man's gotta be careful
near a single woman. She can trap you like you was a
muskrat afor ya even knowed ya been trapped. But I
wasn't thinkin' all that straight with all the long
necks I drained that day.

Now the bride and groom had snuck off earlier and we
heard Susie Ann screaming like a stuck pig a few
minutes later so we knowed Jethro done his duty. The
women all blushed and flushed and the men took up a
laughing and making knowing looks. Susie Ann and
Jethro showed up a might later looking flushed and
happy so's it was looking good for the marriage.

Now nuthin' gets women's engine revved like a weddin'.
I guess Zelda Mae done got her engine revved purty
good `cuz she was all a flushed lookin' at the way
Susie Ann was a smiling. Zelda Mae turned to me and
suggested a walk in the coolin' air. I agreed that
sounded nice. Well, Zelda Mae done led us straight
away toward the creek. She wandered, seeming
aimlessly, until we found us a little clearin' covered
with soft grass right up on the bank of that stream.
She sat down and patted the grass next to her.

Well, next thing I knowed she's lookin' all goo goo
eyed at me and whisperin' all kinds of ridiculous
stuff about how wonderful a weddin' it was and when
would the next weddin' be and who'd be gettin' hitched
and such like. I didn't see no reason to spoil a
perfect day with talk about some poor Joe gettin'
hitched. I was fixin' to up and walk back to the
dancing when Zelda lean't forward and planted one on
my lips. Well damn, if that didn't put me back. I
ask't her, "What you do that fur?" 

She smiled and told't me, "`Cuz I wanted to," and then
she did it agin. 

When a woman just ups and starts kissin' ya it makes
things all foggy like. I didn't quite know what to do.
But I figured, I'm the man, I'm the one supposed to be
doing the kissin'. So I lean't forward and kissed her.
That just put us in a mind for even more kissin'. Now
things was gettin' real foggy fur me and I rightly
didn't know which way was up. But I did feel Zelda
Mae's hand sneaking up along my leg. That made old One
Eye come awake. When her hand found him all hard and
long she cooed, "Damn if this ain't a nice find. Oh, I
think I'm going ta be callin' you Angus." Just like
that she was a pulling my Sunday go to Meeting Levi's
down and releasin' my friend to the night air. She
pushed me back so's I was lying on my back with my
jeans down around my ankles. She lifted her dress and
settled down atop me. I expected to feel bloomers or
sumthing as she set herself on me but the minx done
foxed me `cuz what I felt was her little cootchie
rubbin' along willie. She was hot and wet and afor you
could say Rumpledforeskin she was a sliding down my
pole. 

She bottomed out and then a started ridin' me like I
was her favorite buckskin trottin' `round the trainin'
ring, she's a just a bangin' away. Lucky she waern't
wearin' her spurs or I might a been maimed for life.
She was makin' these soft little grunts every time she
bottomed out and every once't in a while this little
squeal. I was gettin' mighty worked up myself. 

Zelda Mae bottomed out once't more and then she went
all stiff and just sorta trembled, her head thrown
back like a coyote yelping at the moon. I never saw
the likes of it in my born days. Then she just pitched
forward like a rag doll and breathin' hard started to
kiss on me again. I didn't know what to make of all
that. But I knowed that willie was feeling a bit
disregarded. So, I started to push him up into Zelda
Mae. She squealed a little and pushed back. Purty soon
I was banging away myself. As she rode me her fingers
grabbin' a holt of my shirt dang near a ripping it
from my chest. 

`Bout then I was overcome by that exquisite feeling ya
get and I let Zelda Mae have a big un. Now, if I'm
being truthful I cain't rightly say I never felt
nothin' akin to this afor. I had. But it is a
different thing to be a whackin' yourself behind the
shed and feeling it being inside a woman. This were so
much better than my poor hand I nearly went blind from
the pleasure of pouring myself into Zelda Mae.

We laid thar in the cool night air listenin' to the
cicada's sing and the stream trickle by. It sure was
pleasant lying thar with Zelda Mae on top o' me,
touching her and feeling her breathin'. We laid't thar
a piece when I heard some footsteps coming our way. I
told't Zelda Mae and we hopped up and straightened our
clothes. 

Who ever it was didn't see us as we skedaddled behind
some bushes. What we see'd were Katie Jo McNown and
Mary Beth Murphy walkin' hand in hand into the
clearin' from the way we'd come. We see'd them lay
down in the clearin' and commence to start talking
real low like. I couldn't figure why a couple girls
would be out in the clearin' like that but didn't make
no never mind ta me. Zelda Mae wanted to stay but I
told't her that we should be gettin' back afor her Pa
figured out we was missin'. Zelda Mae's Pa was a crack
shot with his double barrel and I wasn't lookin'
forward to givin' him no reason to jack a round into
that Winchester. She looked wistful like back at the
clearin' but turned and we started walkin'.

On the way back to the dance we was holdin' hands. Now
I was a bit worried that my pals would see me holdin'
hands like a idiot but it just seemed like I ought to.
I mean, me and Zelda Mae done the deed. It was the
least I could do was to hold her hand.

We just stood around and talked about nuthin' at all
until the dance done broke up. I walked Zelda Mae home
and we kissed real gentle like standin' on her front
porch. It was funny the way I was feelin' as I walked
home. I was a thinkin' `bout that weddin' today. For
all that the boys was gettin' on Jethro he did look
kinda happy. Damn, but a woman can sure make a man
unsure of the simplest thangs. I begun to wonder about
how'd it'd be havin' Zelda Mae `round all o' the time.
She was fun to talk to in some ways and doing that
dirty deed was beyond, well, dadburn anythang! I was a
kickin' the tumbleweeds aside as I walked, almost a
whistling as I thought about Zelda Mae and what a nice
girl she was. I had to admit it was a nice weddin' and
I thought a nice little thought `bout all them folks
lucky enuf to be hitched in a Texas weddin'.



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