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From: Susan Soulcatcher <susan_soulcatcher@juno.com>
Subject: {ASSM} The Cripple by Susan Soulcatcher (F nosex flash-210 words)
Date: Sat, 23 Aug 2003 23:10:04 -0400
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The Cripple
=========

My fear cripples me.

When I go shopping, alone, I watch the other people.  Here's a
mother, admonishing her children to leave people alone.  The
little one in the basket smiles at me as I walk past.  Suddenly
the clouds of gloom part and let the sun shine through.

As I walk past the basket the opening closes and the darkness of
my reality surrounds me again.

My fear cripples me.

Why didn't I smile back?  Was I afraid of revealing too much of
myself?

No.

Honesty forces me to admit I've forgotten how to smile.

I made myself forget.

If I smile, I get hurt.

If I don't smile, I don't have to wait for a new hurt.

It's better this way.

I've learned to live with the pain of loneliness.

It's a constant, nagging ache--but it's familiar.  I can deal
with it.

I can't deal with new pain.  One more painful incident would
overwhelm me.  It would burst the carefully built walls that hide
me from the world.

My fear cripples me.

I know it.  I want to change it, but every time I've cried my
lonely cry for help, I've been abandoned.

Better to not cry.  Better to hide.

Better to be a cripple.

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