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From: Dryad <gbbjg@yahoo.com>
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Subject: {ASSM} "Dating Diaries, 1988, Part 2" by Dryad (no-sex)
Date: Sun, 16 Mar 2003 02:10:04 -0500
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<1st attachment, "dd88b.txt" begin>
Dear friends and readers,
This is different from many of the stories you've seen me write.
It is more or less true (names and places have been changed to
protect ...well, ME). I had my first real boyfriend when I was
14, and a sophomore in high school. I began my diary. Told it
more than just my dating quandaries, but filled with all sorts of
teenage angst and melodramatics. (and looking back, I could be
incredibly melodramatic). The diary ended about a month before my
wedding, so I guess you really could call this the Dating Diary.
Why post my pathetic diary? Easy. While I realize many of us
write in fantasy, I'm tired of 14/16 year olds thinking like 30
year olds. Realism Folks! And what's more real than an actual
diary? In some respects the writing sucks. I have changed nothing
but actual names. Thought about elaborating, but then, you'd get
my near 30 year brain in places it doesn't belong. This is what
it is.
The basics, however, still apply. This is my work, (for better or
worse) is copyrighted by me, and no posting without my prior
permission. Celeste's blow job principle is still in action guys.
This may or may not include adult situations, so if you're not
allowed to watch a nc-17 movie, scram. All other enjoy (or not
*shrug *).
*****************************************************************
************************************************************
Dating Diary 1988 part 2
By Dryad
Dear Diary, 10/24/88
I asked Chris today the usual question when I see him-"Est ce que
tu amore moi?" He wouldn't answer, so I kept pushing. Finally he
said no, that he liked me but It wouldn't work romantically. He
was worried about me being depressed. Right, now I'm either in
shock, or I didn't care in the first place. For some reason, I
knew he really didn't care- now I truly believe in that line in
the song I wrote:
"I've given up on love now/ it causes too much pain." I wrote
another line to another song- "my heart's been broken so many
times/ it's falling apart"
Why can't my heart just leave my body? That way I wouldn't hurt.
For some reason, I was really mad (before he told me) and he told
me he better not tell me (naturally I assumed the worst) I got
even madder. He told me I shouldn't assume yet, I was right.
How does a broken heart feel? It seems to me to be a dull ache
inside. We came home instead of going straight from work. I'm
drowning and no one will save me! I can't cry until I go to bed.
I should get an academy award for what I am about to do. My
family isn't going to know. I am going to ask Chris as a favor to
a friend to help me cover it up. I hope he does. I've gotta go
now. I'll write tonight. I know what this is- I had a dream, and
now I'm waking up. Only thing is it was too real- so it still
hurts. I wrote before that love is like a roller coaster. Yeah,
but mine came to a stop after turning my world upside down {Dryad
note: Egad, did I really write this drivel??}
Can you believe this? Here I am at Diamond mall writing this? I
got so bad I couldn't even shop! Finally I called Chris, from
here!
I'm back home now. I called Chris. I told him there were 2 ways
to go. Either we are just friends, or if there is a chance of
romance, go as we have been. We both agreed our minds were too
foggy (due to the late hour) to decide. (not to mention, he was
downstairs) I told him I didn't know what I wanted. I would like
to go on the way we have, but not if there isn't a change for me.
It wouldn't be fair to me to keep me dangling. I'm really
zonked. Gotta go. Bye bye.
Dear Diary, 10/30/88
Chris never called me. Right now I don't expect he'll ever call.
Sasha came over today. She said something about keeping work and
personal life separate. Linc noticed how I jumped (as he said,
5ft) when he came into the office during break. He asked Sasha
how he should bring it up and Sasha told him she'd handle it. I
told her be probably wouldn't have to worry about it much longer.
Therefore she is the only one besides Chris who knows about what
happened. You are the only one, Diary, who knows everything
though. So much for my love life! Who needs it? I'm going to
become a hermit and live by myself. (idea- Crista says that Seth
wants to be a hermit too.) I'm through with love- I'm not
touching unless someone throws themselves at me. (besides Rod,
heaven forbid) I'm going to be a writer; a best selling writer
and everyone will die for me just to shake my hand! There, I
fixed that! Chris said I had talent. I'll make him wish he never
said no! yeah, I'm hurt. I'm sick of the whole damned human race!
This is a song I wrote:
The memory of his kiss
Is still fresh in my mind
The las words he said
The feeling of his hand in mine
But now he's gone
And I don't know if I can go on.
Chorus: why did he leave?
Why did I say goodbye?
I loved him
But I let him go.
Now I'm the one that's hurting
And he's the one that's gone away.
I put a padlock on my heart
He pried it open and crawled inside
I felt without knowing
I gave without caring
If my love was going to be returned.
(repeat chorus)
I ought to be used to this by now
My hearts been broken so many times
Its falling apart
Now I cry nearly every night
Especially when I see a picture of him.
(repeat chorus)
(repeat first verse)
I feel better now diary-writing songs usually has that effect on
me. So does sleepyness, which is why I'm gonna stop here. Night!
Dear Diary, 10/31/88
Halloween! Tonight I was Odin, King of the Norse Gods. Mom and
dad got mad, because I used so much powder in my hair. Chris
still hasn't called. I called him Wednesday since tomorrow is
Katie and Dad's birthday. 6 months (I think) and I finally got my
period (unfortunately) I've got homework; bye.
Dear Diary, 11/1/88
It's Katie and dad's birthday. I got really bad in school today.
I nearly cried in study and I when I saw that boy that looks like
Chris. I hate myself for feeling so depressed but I can't help
it.
I really like Mr. Cloog. He's a teacher I can relate to. I still
have my period I Hate it. I'm going to bed now, night!
Dear Diary, 11/2/88
Chris still hasn't called-I didn't have time between trying to
finish everything (Friday's the last day of the marking period)
Melissa asked me again about working on the stage crew. I told
her who lived near me, and who to ask for a ride for me. She was
supposed to call me, but she hasn't.
My room's cleaner-I did all my regular homework and part of my
makeup work. I made apple and rose potpourri. It ought to be done
by Christmas. (ripening time) I've gotta go to bed.
P.S. Katie said she read you!!
Dear Diary, 11/3/88
My room is clean, and Deirdre can give me a ride.
I called Chris today. He was in the shower so he called me back.
He said to him, boyfriend and girlfriend meant love and if we
went on as we were we would be so we ruled that out.
At least that `s cleared up. Now maybe my heart will mend. I
really feel terrible (about this)
How long does it take to fall out of love? I'll tell you when I
find out.
Why can't I just cry and get it all out? Everytime I hear
"addicted" "I know how he feels" see the boy who looks like Chris
or such instance as what Mr. Cloog said today makes me almost but
never have.
Oh yeah, Mr. Cloog was talking about a word meaning Rejection;
he says something on the idea of "your boyfriend tells you he
doesn't want to go out with you anymore." I nearly screamed. I'm
another Julliet on the stage of life, and my romeo doesn't care.
I have to start something else or I'll just wither away into the
woodwork and die. I've gotta go to bed now.
Dear diary, 11/4/88
I forgot to mention before that Sasha stopped by. Well, I'm
getting a 78 in Mr. Cloog's class.
Players is so fun! Daniel had to give me a ride because Deirdre
already had 5 people in her car. They went through Passionella (a
spoof on Cinderella) and Adam and Eve. I have to get a lock for
my locker, because Lizzie and Brenda thought they'd be smart and
took all my stuff out and put it in another locker. I lost 10
minutes in study time, and got a 45 on a test I retook. (I got an
85 when I retook it this afternoon) I'm going to bed now, bye!
Dear Diary, 11/5/88
Today I went to work. Chris was 1/2 hour late. Linc had left
early (about 8:30) because he had to go to the Home Product Show.
During first break, I kept bothering him; he told me to cut the
shit. I kept going though. Why was I doing that? I was thinking
maybe It was something like I can't have him love me, I would
want him to hate me? (Thin line between love and hate?) I don't
know. I kept myself extremely busy at Players the whole time. I
got paint all over myself. Daniel was there till 5 Valerie,
Michele, Eric, Carson, Linda and Jill left before the rest ofus.
Dear Diary, 11/6/88
Today we cut up the deer Dad got. I had told Sandra and Maggie
was there. Maggie's chin dropped to her chest. It was so funny!
I now have 18 1/2 hours in on the players (you need 200 to get a
letter) Daniel gave me a ride home. We all, (Tabitha was there
too!) started hitting eachother-Daniel hit me in the eye because
he couldn't see where he was hitting. We had a partial run
through of Adam and Eve- during the blackout Sandra and I moved
their new home on stage and put it nearly in the right spot; in
the dark. I was proud of myself...don't know why really...we have
to know that anyway. I think rehearsal is until 9:30 tomorrow.
Players paid for my dinner (also the people who came early) This
is great therapy- I don't have time to get mopey. I guess I ought
to go to bed. Night!
Dear Diary, 11/7/88
Worked on show all afternoon. Deirdre took me home, Mr. Lion
wanted to get up to Passionella's change scene- we only got up to
the first part of Lady or the Tiger. I honestly don't think we'll
be done in time. Its late. Sandra and I were dropped off by Mr.
Lion at Mama's . We ordered pizza and brought it back (we walked)
I've gotta get to bed. Night!
Dear Diary, 11/8/88
It's 11:18 at night. We had the total run through of the play.
There is a ghost in the Auditorium. We named it Sarah.
Katherine's been really edgy, but then so has everybody. I hope
(as probably everyone else does) that opening night will be a
success. It seemed to go fairly smoothly.
Dear Diary, 11/9/88
Opening night was a success! We only had maybe 2 mishaps. Linda
forgot a few lines to her song- but it still sounded beautiful
and the wheel on Adam and Eve's hut broke, so we had to put a new
one in. Sarah showed herself. There was a glowing in the back
room and the work lights went on mysteriously twice. We
accounted for one where Amanda flicked the switch on and off.
Nicki had a sore throat but she still sounded beautiful. One of
the candles fell out of the candlestick and off the platform.
Afterward, everyone was hugging everyone. Daniel hugged 4 of us
at once! (this is one growing boy!)
I'm starting to mend but I had a setback when I saw that boy
again. Dierdre gave me a ride home. Night!
Dear Diary, 11/10/88
The play went great! In Adam and Eve Adam's first hut fell over.
Daniel said, "It's all your fault Eve!" and they improvised until
they got it back up. Nick had gone to the mall. There was a
parrot in the pet store. When people said, "hi" it said hi; when
people said "John" it said "John". Well, Nicki thought she'd be
smart and say, "Nicki's God". And the parrot LAUGHED! The whole
entire store laughed.
I'm working 8-4 tomorrow, so I've got to get to sleep.
Dear Diary, 11/11/88
Nothing much today. I went to work and we did geraniums, new
guinea impatiens and fuscia oh, and vinca. It was Linc, Chris,
Sasha, me and mom. Got home and went to eat at Dragon City. Its
7:00 now. I'm gonna get ready for bed.
Dear Diary, 11/12/88
I worked at the store today, 9-1. I got home, ate, sat and moped.
I am feeling extremely sorry for myself. I miss Chris (as a
boyfriend) The play went beautifully, near success. Daniel's mom
drove me home because everyone else went to Friendly's. Last
night I had the strangest dream. I had a dream that I was going
out with Eric Brando and that we were rolling all over the
ground, fucking like mad. If his lips are as good in reallife...
My subconscious has a filthy mind.
Dear Diary, 11/13/88
I slept until 8, which is late for me. I putzed around, did 2
loads of wash (still have 2 left). Lianne and I are going to do
the seminar for the Newspaper tomorrow. It ought to be fun. I am
feeling worse and worse. When I was working on the play, I was
kept busy enough. I always seem about to cry.
I have a dull ache in my chest where my heart used to be. But
now, my heart has shattered causing my breath to be short and a
constant lump in my throat.
I am in a constant state of melancholy though no one even sees
it. I would honestly be a fantastic actress.
Dear Diary, 11/14/88
I went to the journalism workshop which was interesting and I got
letters from my pen pals--on the same day. I am tired so that's
all I'll say except that I'm getting a 62 in French.
Dear Diary, 11/16/88
Nothing much goin on. I am sending a poem to YM to see if I can
get it published. Daniel lost his voice. We are hoping that he
will get it back. (oh, well) I sent the letter to Australia the
next day.
Dear Diary, 11/17/88
Nothing much. It was a ½ day so I went ot work. Got my report
card. English-78, foreign policy-85, Algebra- 71, French- 62,
CPR- 88, Gym- 88 Chemistry- 83. Test on Moby Dick tomorrow. UGH.
Dear Diary, 11/18/88
I am in the pits of mortal despair. (Dryad note: obviously stolen
from "Anne of Green Gables".) I hurt so badly, If only I could
cry and let it all out, but instead I have this horrid ache
inside. It is so hard to be on the verge of tears all the time
and never being able to cry. Putting on a brave face so no one
(and honestly no one does) knows how badly I've been hurt. Its
something like putting a bandaid over a chopped off arm.
Why? I care for him surely, but do I (honestly now do I love
him? My symptoms are pointing to that, but its too late for me to
do anything now.
On to cheerier matters. The play went great. Daniel had his voice
(praise the lord). Daniel is having the cast party tomorrow
night. I had better get to bed now.
Dear Diary, 11/20/88
Being so early in the morning (1:30am) and so much to tell, I'll
finish in the morning. All I'll say now is that I went to the
cast party, the play was the best yet, and work was okay. Finish
later.
I never finished last night. Mom got mad at me this morning for
asking if she was going to the play. Chris cheered me up (not
just the sight--verbal wise!) Mom and dad took me to school.
Closing night was our best night. Daniel made a joke about Quayle
as president in Adam and Eve. The party was fun. We watched a
video tape of the show. Lizzie's mom took me home. I didn't do
much today.
Dear Diary, 11/23/88
Sorry so late in writing. Nothing much is going on. We've been
taking down set, sophomore class is selling cookies, I got an A+
on my French composition and a 91 on my oral report in English
and an 80 on my chemistry test. In volleyball, I dove for the
ball and got a floor burn. (feels nasty too) (Dryad note: still
have the scar too!) Well tomorrow is thanksgiving. What am I
thankful for? My family of course, friends? I put a question mark
there because I have no real friends anymore. I used to be able
to tell Lianne anything but now it's hard. I have plenty of
friends though between classes and Players. Well, I've got too
many to count.
Mr. Cloog liked the changes I made in my poem. In a way, I hope
YM doesn't print it, because It's so much better now. I'm still
extremely sad all the time, but I'm getting better--I can forget
about it for a second now and then. After my oral report, Josh
started clapping and everyone followed. I think I'm healing
because I've been thinking about Josh. We have so much in common.
Just a thought of course, and like I said, no more unless someone
says something to me. I refuse to ask a male out again. Forever!
I hate (!) feeling this way. Ah well, C'est la vie! Not only
that, Josh is cute (though tall).
Dear Diary, 11/24/88
Thanksgiving is over. Tomorrow I work 8-4. I'm still tired. Last
night I asked mom to cut my hair. Its shoulder length now. Its
nearly all even except for my bangs and a small part where my
hair used to be feathered. It looks nice, but I want my long hair
back! Mom cut about 5 inches off -OUCH! I have a headache for
some reason, so I'm going.
Dear Diary, 11/25/88
Today I went to work. A while ago I said I had bothered Chris and
said it might be "thin line between love and hate" I figured it
out. I did the same thing today. I wanted to inflict pain onto
him, he had inflicted onto me. And it hurt to realize this. We
had a long talk about things after that. I think I have finally
come to terms with it. He told me it was all psychological. I
told him he wouldn't say that if he felt like I felt. I hate that
saying "its better to have loved and lost..." I'm going to feel
worse if I write anymore on that so I'm going to bed.
Dear Diary, 11/26/88
Worked today. I was in a fairly good mood. Chris and Linc read my
poem. Linc didn't say anything and Chris said it was nice. My
face is itchy again. We went to my aunt and uncles house right
after work. The first Star Trek of the new season was great.
Deana Troi had a baby that grew rapidly. Wesley's mom left and he
was supposed to but he is staying. (Thank god!) Anyway, I'm going
to bed.
Dear Diary, 11/27/88
Have I really changed a whole lot? I figure as long as I'm not
happy with myself, I'll keep changing! I did my wash and a little
homework. That's really all.
Dear Diary, 11/28/88
I am feeling very poetic this evening. If my name were Elizabeth,
my mood would certainly be that. Most of the day today I was a
Liz; the majority of the time I'm a Beth though. I just wrote "If
you keep a smile in your heart and a laugh on your lips you shall
always be happy" On October 24th I asked, "how long does it take
for a broken heart to heal?" I think I can answer that as being
now. Approximately a month. I am ready to live again! Watch out
world, here I come!
Would you believe-
I talked with Lianne today. This is a list of who she likes (in
order of course):
1)Peter 2) Sean 3) someone I don't know 4) Josh 5) Seth 6) Karl
and 7)Jeff.
This is my list:
1)Chris (still) 2) Josh 3) Seth 4,5,6 (in no particular
order--because I'm only mildly interested) Daniel, Eric andChad,
Players is doing (the believe) 12 Angry People (actually men, but
well, obviously) [Dryad note: perhaps your drama dept was unlike
mine, but we were very male challenged...and female heavy] I am
going to try out for it. That's all for tonight, G'night!
Dear Diary, 11/29/88
Nothing much today. I have a French test, a vocab test, anything
else (?) tomorrow. Joy, Joy.
I had a dream last night about Josh. We were lying side by side
on the grass, and he asked "What would you say if I said we were
the perfect couple?" very softly and (both of us being on our
sides) leaned over and kissed me. I answered back, " I'd die of
happiness." And we began kissing again. Then we were up in my
room, and we were going downstairs. We were holding hands. Mom,
Dad, Uncle Chris, and Grandma were in the kitchen. We had gone
out the back door, and he put his arm around me. Then the scene
changed and we were under a tree house and he said, "you're plan
came out well." And a bunch of other things I can't remember. We
had a short argument and we kissed. Then Sean or Matthew (I can't
remember which) popped out a window and were like, "ooooh, look
at you two kiss" type thing. It was a nice dream. Oh, Well! At
least I can kiss (I mean, know how for sure.) That's really all.
Dear Diary, 12/4/88
I forgot to mention on 11/23 that I got my hair cut. I was
extremely depressed Saturday morning, but Chris cheered me up.
He really is a great friend. He's the one person I can talk to-
not even how I talk with Lianne. I tell him nearly everything. My
shopping is done except I made a mistake on Uncle Chris's present
(I got him a Christmas tape, and he doesn't really care for the
artist) So, I'll return it and get another one.
I got dad a black leather wallet; mom a CD; Grandma a PenDelfin
named Jingles; Ron some blank tapes; Sabrina a pair of silver
heart earrings; Aunt Ellen and Uncle Leo a meat and cheese set;
Sasha a sweater; and got the rest of my girlfriends earrings.
Whew! I spent well over $100, which for me is an awful lot. I
might get Chris a present and I might get Bea one too. U have 3
small jars of herbs which I'm thinking of giving her. I have to
start my term paper for Foreign Policy- I haven't even started,
(oh, shit!) it's due something like January 7th. I'm doing better
in French class except for the asses, such as Melanie and
Roberta. We had a sub in class on Friday, and she asked the class
who hadn't had a turn reading the dialogue. And Roberta says,
"Marie hasn't!" It wasn't so much her words, but the venom just
oozed from her lips like it poisoned her just to say my French
name. Ah well! Life is full of undesirable people. The photo for
the newspaper for the yearbook, for instance. Linda went up to
Julie and told her Tasha and her were Co-Editors. I go to tell
her, 1) she spelled my name wrong, and 2) that I'm assistant
editor. Linda says, "oh, that isn't necessary." As if it isn't
enough she already took editor, but won't even let me have that
scrape of recognition? After writing all the wrong things of that
day, no wonder I was depressed! Just thinking gets me feeling
down again. I've cleaned my room. So that's all.
P.S. I started my period--again! (Already, I should say)
Work in Progress
Copyright Dryad (gbbjg@yahoo.com) 2003
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