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Message-ID: <40606asstr$1043644204@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
From: Jack C Lipton <cupasoup@softhome.net>
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Subject: {ASSM} Exit Interview (nosex, angst, reflection)
Date: Mon, 27 Jan 2003 00:10:04 -0500
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Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories
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For those who are curious, yes, I do get severe bouts of depression.
This has been on my site for a while and I figured I'd take this
opportunity to spread my mental illness.  And, yes, I sometime do
feel this way.




Author: Jack C Lipton <liptonsoup1951@yahoo.com>
Title: Exit Interview
Part:
Universe:
Summary: only *mostly* dead, not completely dead
Keywords: nosex, angst, reflection
Revision: $Revision: 1.9 $


		   Exit Interview

		  by Jack C Lipton


I hurt all over.  I was tired.  I...


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


It seemed certain to me that I must be dead.

Two items supported this assessment:

   1)	I felt no pain; and

   2)	My hand went through my cubicle wall.

Granted, there was the possibility I was simply dreaming
that I was dead but I don't remember ever dreaming when
asleep.

The world seemed to be paused as I stood over a slumped
body that looked like ... me.  It seemed that there was
no light left in those eyes.

Even in the silent stillness of the world, I saw someone
identical to myself walk up to me.  Why would...?

We've been told that we were created in his image but few
believed.  I believed now.  I saw this glorious version
of the dull, drab creature I'd been.

The voice sounded like mine, only it was oh so pleasing
to my ear...

"You're not supposed to be dead.  It was not yet your
time.  Your death is not yet a fact;  We're talking
between one heartbeat and the next.  You may yet choose
to live."

I didn't have to think about it;  I'd been so depressed
for so long that the body below me was neglected;  Life
would be, for me, a return to misery.  I wasn't too keen
on losing this release from pain.

"I'd be happy to be dead, Lord.  Death is no punishment. 
My life has been long enough."

"You've not lived much in your life.  There is more to
life, you know, than what you've lived so far.  Yes,
you've used the fruits of some of the gifts you'd been
given.  We have not been unhappy with you, yet there is
more you should do."

Waving at the body in front of me, slumped over in the
cubicle, "I've neglected your gift of life.  I've
neglected my family.  I've neglected my wife.  I've no
enthusiasm.  This workplace is the only place where I've
experienced peace."

"There will be those who will miss you."

I nodded, "Just as I've missed those who've died before
me."  I shrugged.  "And it doesn't really matter since it
has to happen anyway;  Only timing would be different."

"Let's take a look at some of these people who will be
affected by your early death."

We were now standing in my parents' living room, both my
father sitting watching the History channel and my mother
reading the paper, frozen in place.

"How do you think they will feel to outlive their son?"

I shrugged, though it stung a bit.  If I died now I'd
avoid any chance of having to face that kind of loss. 
Dying now, my children would certainly outlive me, as I
would hope they would.  So how could I want to inflict
the pain on my parents.  Already I was starting to get
unsure of my stance.

"We'll skip your siblings.  To be honest, they'd have
mixed feelings.  How about your wife?"

We were standing in someone's living room, a woman seated
in the room frozen in the act of masturbating.

"Uh, this isn't my wife..."

He looked around, smiled at me.  "Well, this was just one
of those that could have been your wife.  Lets..."

We were in my bedroom, my wife asleep in the bed.  She'd
been having problems sleeping at night.

"What of her, won't your passing be hurtful to her?"

"Well, she'll miss having me come running everytime she
calls me from the other end of the house to get her a
drink, or to answer the phone, door or to chase our
daughter when she's out playing with her friends."

"Wouldn't she be hurt?"

"Only by the loss of a servant."

"That's not how it's meant to be.  Have you no authority?"

"I ceded her the household authority though I retained some
veto power.  She's been so badly burned by people who had
authority over her and I cared for her so much that I
couldn't bear the pain she felt.  It was easy because I'm
not a particularly assertive man."

"And you don't..."

The good thing about being dead is that you know what you're
being asked.  Without it being spelled out.

"No we don't.  She doesn't want our daughter accidentally
exposed to us doing that.  If my wife is so certain it's
evil, I've learned that I can't change her mind.  It's so
much easier on me this way.  She's less able to manipulate
me through guilt.  So even when she talks as if she's
nterested I avoid her.  If it wrong at one time in
particular, it should be wrong all the time."

Since we were insubstantial, He walked through the bed to
look at her from all angles.

"Does she love you?"

What a question.  Despite my ethereal state, I wasn't
under any illusion that I could answer it accurately.

I could only shrug;  "I don't have the option of living in
her head.  She tells me she does but my heart has doubts.
She points to our children and tells me that she'd not have
had my children if she didn't love me.  This was also the
same woman who didn't want to get pregnant by me but told
me that if she'd been impregnated by a rapist she'd keep
the baby.  So I don't know."

We were in my daughter's 3rd grade classroom, the children
frozen in a moment with some holding their hands up.  My
daughter was sitting there, looking attentive.

"How will she feel losing her daddy like this?"

"She still has her mother, who has told me that she's been
both the mother and father to all of her children.  So she
won't need me, will she?"

We were back at my workplace, standing in my manager's
office.

"Yes, I know it'll leave him short-staffed.  If he can use
it as a wake-up call for the chronic understaffing of these
kinds of groups then so much the better.  Yes, I'll be
missed, but someone else can step into my place soon enough."

We were in the cubicle, not even in the company where I
worked, I could tell that much, of a young and very pretty
woman.  I didn't know her or recognize her at all.  It was
certain to me that my body would have wanted to know her ...
in the biblical sense.  This did bother me.

"And..."

"Uh, Lord, I don't know who she is.  Why are we here?"

"You should have children by this woman."

I started to laugh.  He didn't join me.

It took more than a trivial amount of effort but I managed
to stop laughing.  "I'm already married.  It wasn't until
my mid-twenties before I found a woman to wife and finally
lost my virginity.  Why would you think a beauty like her
would be interested in a dead man like me?  I'm over twice
her age, I have step children older than she is, I'm not
attractive, I'm not even slightly desirable ... I've got a
long list of things that I'm not.  That includes not being
in her league, too.  Other than a slightly bigger paycheck
I've got nothing someone like her would want.

"On top of all that, even when I was alive and had a working
sex drive I wouldn't take any chances at violating my
wedding vows.  Those I take quite seriously and I believe
my wife does, too."

He nodded at me, "You'd be surprised how this can work out."

Now color me stupid:  It's not wise to disagree with one's
maker.  I didn't know when to shut up now, any more than I
did when still alive.

"I've carried too many self-destructive tendencies to excel
at anything enough to be noticed.  I've neglected myself so
that I can die just from fragility by narrowing the margin
between health and death.  It's only finally getting an
infection my body couldn't handle and ignoring it's growth
that allowed us the time to talk.  I've seen others who had
really serious problems neglect themselves, since it isn't
treated as suicide.  This isn't a case of me killing myself,
I just made my own death easier.  So, if you want to throw
me into Hell, then fine.  Almost anything you want, just
please don't put me back!"

We were back in my cubicle;  Nothing had changed yet, but he
looked closely at my "dead" body.

"You have so many reasons for not wanting to be alive.  What
are your reasons for wanting to be dead?"

I had to shrug.  "Nobody around me is happy.  I'm not happy
either.  I've come to the conclusion that other people can
have a better life if I'm not in the way.  Even if I can't
find happiness myself I don't want to be blamed for making
everyone around me unhappy.  While that's still a matter of
avoidance, I'm tired of hurting.  I want to escape my pain.
So it's not a matter of wanting to be dead, it's more a
matter of not particularly wanting to be alive."

He nodded at this, adding "I hear that a lot.  Many people
aren't in a hurry to die but they're not disappointed when
they do."

This time I nodded.

He then looked me up and down, carefully.

"It's sex, isn't it."

In this state I couldn't lie to myself, much less Him.  I
nodded again.  "What's the right of it?  What are the rules?
What expectations are reasonable?  Why is sexuality so
important to my identity?  Why is it so much work?  Why is",
waving at my desk, "this so much easier on my nerves?  And
how much is too much?  And why have I felt so damnably empty?"

A smile grew on His face.  "All very good questions.  Sex is
important-  don't ever think it isn't, it's there to tie you
to life and allows you to provide life as a gift.  It keeps
you human.  It keeps your mate human.  It provides one facet
for love.  It's a gift you can grant your spouse-  and one
your spouse can grant you.

"Let me ask you-  if you could have any unattached woman you
wanted, what would you do?"

"Blow my brains out I'd think.  That's an impossible
responsibility.  I don't want to disappoint any more women
than the one I already have."

His stare was more than a little unnerving.  I needed to
better explain this;  He obviously didn't need any
explanation, really, but He seemed to expect it.  Perhaps
to make me think about it?  "I want, no, I *need* to love
and be loved.  So to have a woman once is one thing-  which
would hurt me to not be loving.  To keep is another.  To
satisfy a woman is yet another.  Loving, protecting and
cherishing is another, and a great burden.  Knowing how to
express due benevolence is difficult-  especially when it
feel unilateral.  I've worked to avoid having a roving eye
but that doesn't mean my hormones didn't occasionally take
command of where my eyes are pointed but that just hurts
me more.  Add to all of this the fact that I'm invisible
to the kinds of women that most men, including me, find
attractive." 

He nodded as I went through this, wanting me to continue.

"The image of any woman, even my wife, looking at me and
thinking-- much less saying-- 'I want a piece of that' is
so ludicrous as to be insanely funny.  My wife told me
that we're in an exclusive relationship- she's not taking
any chances like she did with her first husband when she
took him back after his indiscretions.  My balls may like
the idea of extra women in my life but I'm not about to
give her up like that."

"Do you resent that you get so much less slack than her
ex-husband?  And isn't wanting to die-- or, at least, not
wanting to live-- a form of abandonment?"

I sighed;  He was going for sore spots.

"Yes, I resented that.  And she admitted she was far more
sexually adventurous with him than with me.  I'm certain
that I'm a complete dud in bed and I think she likes it that
way.  If she didn't like it, it's her fault for not teaching
me anything.  As for me abandoning her, well, at least
there's a hefty insurance payout for her once I expire.  She
has worried over money so much that this should solve that
problem for her."

"So ...  What do you want?"

I sighed.  How to answer such a question?

"Meaning, I think.  I've been living life and not seeing
any meaning to it, or a point, or even a punchline where
I'm not the butt of a cruel joke.  I want to know that
this", waving my hand at my body, "has some kind of
meaning and that my pain has meant something-  and,
fortunately, being alive isn't really necessary to
comprehend this."

"Your life still has meaning.  You've put a lot into it,
even if you don't think you did.  You've educated many,
most without realizing it.  Despite your belief that you
have been a bad example, you haven't.  We have watched
you touch others' lives when they needed it.  You've been
there for your wife when no one else would stand by her.
We know your heart and your pain, we know your
frustrations-  but these are what you get by living and
breathing."

"Thank you.  Can we go now?"

"No.  You've got more children to sire-- not wanting to live
doesn't absolve you of this duty.  Since you never made any
deposits at a sperm bank it can't be arranged in absentia
so you'll need to do it the hard way--  Pun intended."  I
couldn't believe that my maker would make a pun like that.
There were a lot of ministers that'd have quite a double-
take.  I saw my face snicker.  "There are more lives you
will be touching and who will be touching you because they
need to.  You'll recognize these events as they arrive, and
your wife will grow to accept the necessary arrangements.
You'll be healed and there are some pleasant surprises
awaiting you and your women.  When you wake up, this will
have been a dream, fading quickly.  You'll go on with your
life, which will take on some new shapes.

"And remember-  We love you and, like many others, we are
with you."

He reached out to touch the shoulder of my dead body ...


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


I snapped awake- what had happened?  How'd I fall asleep at
my desk?  I had this vague dream of being mostly dead and
facing God himself.

Naahhhh...

I sighed and turned back to my work.


			Fini




-- 
Jack C Lipton  |   cupasoup@softhome.com   |  http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/CupaSoup/www/
  "If you're not confused you obviously don't understand human sexuality."

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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