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Message-ID: <37276asstr$1026432605@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
From: mmtwassel@aol.com (mat twassel)
Subject: {ASSM} Mat Twassel: The Celestial Refuse Vol 1 Nbr 1    (irrev rev rep)
Date: Thu, 11 Jul 2002 20:10:05 -0400
Path: assm.asstr-mirror.org!not-for-mail
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Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories
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In honor of Celeste's nomination to the ASS Hall of Fame,
I'm reposting "The Celestial Refuse." Modern readers
will no doubt find this piece curiously dated.

--Mat Twassel 
(July 11, 2002)

The Celestial Refuse  Vol 1 Nbr 1:  January 1988
by Mat Twassel
===================================
Looks like all those new sex story reviewers have either 
gone into hibernation or jerked themselves off into 
oblivion. Someone needs to take up the slack.  Might as well 
be me.

I'll rate the stories in three categories.

The first is URANUS.  This has to do with how well the story 
follows the story code and other technical matters.  A score 
of crappy or shitty is at the low end.  A score of sunny or 
cher is even lower.

MOON is the second category--relates to clarity, poetry, and 
creativity, and the marks may run from New, Crescent, 
Quarter, Half, Three-Quarter, Full all the way up to Blue, 
Reverend, and Wally.

Finally we have GUMBO, which is completely meaningless.  I 
happen to like gumbo, but not everyone does.

Now on to the stories:

"Squeakers"  (sacerdotal sex), an autobiographical account 
by N1ke Hunt:  One of the junior gods descends to earth; 
he's been given the task of uncovering and disarming a 
potentially devastating  Ballistic Missile which chanced to 
land on earth during a godly game of intergalactic ping pong 
gone awry.  Because of a computer glip, the young god, N1ke 
Hunt, is given not human guise, but that of a pair of gym 
shoes, size 16, recently purchased by floundering divinity 
student, six foot nine Dirk Willingham.  N1ke offers Dirk 
romantic advice concerning all the major cosmic questions, 
such as what moonbeams are made of and how best to get into 
the pants of his pretty but sexually shy girlfriend, Gloria 
(5'2" eyes of blue, 109 pounds, 34,23,32); in exchange Dirk 
promises to assist in the quest for the doomsday ping pong 
ball. Alas, N1ke falls hard  for the lovely Gloria, and in 
the penultimate scene he stuffs himselves simultaneously 
into both of Gloria's virginal nether apertures, and comes 
gloriously.  So does she.  I won't divulge the final twist, 
except to say it involves Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, 
Dennis Rodman, and an improbable but highly entertaining 
triple double.

"365 Uses for Semen" (irreverent recipes) by Eli-the-
Breaded:  This tongue-in-cheek compendium includes all the 
old standbys: glue, lip gloss, tub tile grout, and wedding 
ring removal lubricant; but also offers some creative new 
uses: flea circus skating pond, shark repellent, and 
golfers' wind direction indicator, to name but a few.  
Missing, oddly enough, is anything to do with making babies.  
Maybe that's use 366, to be reserved for leap years.

"Untitled" (reluc Byzantic roguery) by Count 
Malonoffinoutonetwothreetestes:  In this ribald 
historical jaunt, three beautiful and nubile princess 
maidens, Kim, Kristen, and Kitaria, along with their 
Governess Bronwensam, and their mother, Queen Anne, make 
their way towards the castle of Count 
Malonoffinoutonetwothreetestes for the annual holiday ball.  
In the darkest part of the forest, the princesses leave the 
path for some demur peeing, and find themselves abducted by 
a band of roving poets, namely: Little John Keats, Friar 
Percy, and their leader, Byron of Locksly.  The poets hasten 
the girls into the deepest medieval recesses of debauchery--
fucking and sucking them six ways from Sunday, but the 
sextet's breathy trochaic pants and spondaic orgasmic yelps 
lead Browensam and Anne to the rescue.  The poets are 
subdued and deliciously punished.

"Why Barbie?" by KathyByyByy  (a subreptitious primer) guest 
review by Celeste:  Ken fucks Barbie.  He comes in her even 
though he says he won't.  She doesn't come, but she gets 
pregnant.  Ken says he'll marry her, but she declines.  
While waiting for the baby to be born, she invents a new 
kind of combination nail polish lipstick which takes the 
country by storm, and in six months she earns more than 
enough to put the kid through an Ivy college.  Meanwhile Ken 
rents chairs on the beach.  I won't tell you the surprise 
ending.
================
Celestial Refuse 
Mat Twassel

Mat's Erotic Calendar at http://calendar.atEros.com

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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