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Message-ID: <37218asstr$1026148204@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
From: "smilodon" <smilodon@postmaster.co.uk>
NNTP-Posting-Date: Mon, 8 Jul 2002 11:28:56 +0000 (UTC)
Subject: {ASSM} Frontier Incident (humour, historical? no sex)
Date: Mon,  8 Jul 2002 13:10:04 -0400
Path: assm.asstr-mirror.org!not-for-mail
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Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories
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Another 'Government Report'


                                                              Frontier
Incident


To the Senate and People of Rome from Q. Cassius Sextus, Senior Tribune,
Legio XIV, Hale!

I am commanded by Didius Claudius Meritus, Governor of Phrygia to offer the
following report into the causes of the late unpleasantness in the city of
Atarbraxis, since renamed Pentium. I know you will be all familiar with the
facts regarding the results of the rioting - the Forum ruined, approximately
half of the city's dwellings either destroyed or severely damaged by the
ensuing fires, etc. etc.

The casualty figures have been confirmed at four legionaries missing
presumed killed and numerous barbarians killed and injured. As His
Excellency the Governor has said, we are not likely to win any votes in the
'My favourite Empire' stakes in this part of Asia Minor.

A Court of Enquiry was convened on the Calends of March to carry out a
thorough investigation into the events that lead up to the riots. I believe
I can do no better than include here a verbatim transcript of the evidence
of Legionary Publius Bilius Ludo, the only surviving eyewitness. According
to his Centurion, this Bilius 'isn't the sharpest point in any Phalanx but a
good man in a scrap.' He is certainly an unprepossessing individual and is
heavily scarred as one expects from a twelve-year veteran. Again, according
to his Centurion he does look like 'the beaten finalist in a Christians v.
Lions series.' I mention this because we do feel that his appearance may
have had some bearing on the events under investigation.

Sworn Statement of P. Bilius Ludo, 4th Maniple, 1st Century, Legio XIV.

"It was like this, sir. Me and the other boys from my maniple got a local
pass on the Nones of Februarius. Well, after four months of marching and
fighting, we was ready for a few wets and a bit of female company, apart
from Marcellus Gaius that is, 'cos he swung his sword the other way, if you
get my meaning.

Anyroad, we goes into this wine shop - can't remember the name - and orders
up a flask or two of their best Falurnian. Saving your presence, sir, but it
was Godawful muck! Tasted like something wrung out of a Gladiator's
Jockstrap. Me and my mate Quintus took exception and went to have a word
with the Landlord who unfortunately slipped and fell down the cellar steps.
You know, it's really weird how surprised folk look when they're suddenly
dead like that.

We left that place and I do admit we didn't settle up; but then again, they
didn't give us Falurnian like what we ordered. If there's been a complaint,
sir, I'm really sorry and I offer to pay half right here and now, if that
would help. We visited a couple or three more wine shops and there wasn't no
trouble at all - unless you count the misunderstanding with Gaius and the
eunuch but that all got smoothed over. I mean, Gaius wasn't to know it was
the public library.

We was all feeling quite mellow by then and decided it was time to meet the
ladies. No, sir, we don't go the Regimental Brothel. Anyone who'd prod them
uglies is too effing lazy to masturbate, if you wants my opinion. So we
found a local knocking-shop but there was only one girl working and she
didn't speak no Latin. She wasn't bad, though, if you ignored the moustache.
So we formed a line, respectable like, and went at it. She was a lousy
tumble, if you'll pardon my Greek, sir. She just lay back and moaned. Didn't
wiggle about at all. We figured she must've been of the Sapphic persuasion,
if you catches my drift.

Anyhow, we was just suggesting to Gaius that he could give it a go - with
that moustache he could've pretended couldn't he? - when her pimp shows up
and starts hollering and yelling in Barbarian. None of us could speak the
lingo but we figured he was trying to renegotiate the price. Turns out he
was this party's husband! These barbarians, eh? Pimping their own wives!
Well, I must have tripped on me tunic 'cos my head sort of made contact with
his nose and he went down in a heap. I swear it was an accident, sir. The
others would tell you the same. If they was still alive, that is.

So we left there and went down to the Forum to look for a more high class
sort of place where they knows how to treat a randy soldier. On my mother's
life, sir, we didn't know she was a priestess and the donkey didn't seem to
mind. I think it was just about then that the first fires started."


It was the conclusion of the Court that the entire incident arose from the
inability of the local populace to speak Latin. The Governor has imposed a
fine on the city of six thousand talents of silver and has ordered
compulsory attendance at language classes. As for Bilius Ludo, I can do no
better that quote the First Centurion: " With his sort, you never know
whether to promote 'em or crucify 'em!" His Excellency, who is, as you know,
a renowned disciplinarian, has ordered a fine of two weeks' pay and 28 days
stoppage of leave. This has been accepted by the rank and file of Legio XIV
as harsh but fair, in the circumstances.

The incident is now considered closed and rebuilding goes on apace.


I have the honour to be, sirs,

Your obedient servant


Quintus Cassius Sextus
Tribune.



Comments welcome as always.

smilodon.

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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