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Subject: {ASSM} RP: Friends in the Forest chapters 1-3 (zoo/best M/bitch MF) Stasya T. Canine
Date: Tue,  9 Oct 2001 16:10:06 -0400
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zoo/best M/bitch MF

This work is released to the public domain

The chapters were written in order and originally posted on about
the following dates:

chapter 1 - December 2, 1997
chapter 2 - December 6, 1997
chapter 3 - January 4, 1998

More of my work can be found at:
http://storiesonline.net/Stasya_T_Canine/
---

Friends in the Forest
by: Stasya T. Canine
---

chapter 1 - Meeting in the Meadow
---

Springtime.

Mountain meadows filled with flowers.

Time when a man's thoughts turn to the outdoors.

Weekends in those meadows with your latest lover.

Very hard to reach and hidden meadows where two lovers may spend
their time together in the nude.

Excuse me.  I really mean - hidden meadows where I may spend my
time with my lover and be in the nude.

She already spends her time in the nude.

Of course, it's only natural.

After all, she *is* a bitch.

Not that *I* ever call her that unless I do it softly and with
all the gentleness of a long time lover.

I also call her 'Lady', 'Lady Beautiful', 'Dog Breath'...

I use many other terms as well.

Some of them only when we are alone.

After all, if I call her 'Lover' or 'Lady hungry lips' or 'Little
Whore', people might misunderstand.

Or understand all too well.  :)

Sorry, forgive me.

I'm Carl.

The young and very beautiful 4-legged lady with me is officially
known as 'Mountain Lady Lotus Blossom'.

Most people know her as Lady.

A four year old German Shepherd bitch, she has been my partner
since she was a 6 month old puppy. We have been lovers since she
was two years old.

Actually, I've been *her* lover since then.  She's far more
aggressive about sex than I am.

   * * *

Friday.  A short day because I managed to convince my boss I
needed more time to get to where I was going for a long weekend
away.

Actually, she knew roughly where I was headed.

Linda not only knows I like weekends in the mountains, she has
shared them with me.

Sometimes it has been just the two of us.

More often it has been Linda, Sarah (my first bitch) and I
together in the forested hills

Then, after Sarah died, it was with Lotus Blossom.   Lady.

   * * *

We have been friends for many years now as well as boss and
employee.

So the 'I need more time...'  Is more of a ritual than a serious
routine.  After all, she has asked me to cover for her at least as
often as I have taken off a few hours early.

"Linda?

"Are we ahead enough so that I can take off early?"  The opening
is always the same each time.

"Carl, I think we can manage without you for the rest of the day.

"Spring fever?"  Her voice is a bit wistful.

I smile and nod.  "Plus, I want to get way back in before there
is a chance of being followed by the crowds."

"Carl?

"I've been meaning to ask.

"How come you never ask me to join you on the first trip of the
year?  After all this time together..."  She lets her voice trail
off into silence.  A long pause.  Then, so quietly that I barely
hear it...

"It's *always* you and your dog who go on this first trip.  When
I first met you, it was Sarah.  Now, it is Lady."  A slight note
of pain tells me that I better tread cautiously when I answer.

How do I answer?

After twelve years of knowing her and almost ten of those as
sometime lovers, I *still* don't know if I should tell her the
truth.

I want to.

I know I *need* to.

Churning thoughts finally settle and I pull out my wallet.

It isn't the way I wanted to do it but after all the years
together, it *may* be the way most likely to let her understand
and start to accept.

I've dropped hints and clues many times.  I just don't know how
Linda will react to the truth.

This could cost me my job.

More importantly, it could cost me a close friend.  One I have
treasured for years.

A small voice tells me that my next actions *might* gain me the
first person I can relax with and finally be *myself* around.

We both need to know.  If I don't act, I have this feeling we
will drift apart anyway.

I pull out a picture few ever see.  Actually, it is a drawing
done by a friend.

Two 'people'.

Both of them are nude.

They are also, quite obviously, coupled and tenderly making love.

If one looks closely, the anthropomorphic bitch is obviously Lady.

Of course the man is equally obviously...

Myself.

The person who did the drawing still thinks I was expressing a
fantasy.

I was and I wasn't.

Linda knows us well enough to know how much truth is in the
picture.

As I place it on the desk in front of her, my words are simple
and quietly spoken.

"Every married couple has their annual 'traditions'.

"This has, for many years, been one of ours.

"First with Sarah.

"Now, Lady and I share it."

I'd like to say more.  I don't need to.  Linda and I have made
love outdoors.  We both feel the same about it.

She'll know what it means to me that I do the same with Lady.

I settle back to await her reactions.

          * * *

I'm so intent of what the drawing tells me that I barely hear
Carl's 'married couple'.

Without any conscious thought, one of my fingers reaches to
lightly trace each of their bodies.

I can *feel* Carl's skin.  His heat.  His tender passion.

When I fearfully touch Lady...

Oh yes, it's obviously Lady as his partner.

I can feel her fur.

Her powerful muscles.

Her powerful love for Carl.

My finger, with a mind of its own, gingerly moves to where they
are joined.

Unwillingly, my eyes follow it.

I don't need to look into his eyes to know they love each other
in this most intimate of fashions.

Twelve years of ignored hints come crashing down on me.

No, not ignored.  I never knew they *were* hints.

I thought men loving bitches was some sort of joke.

Something normal people never did.

Something *Carl* would never do.

He is so...

Ordinary.

Now, I can no longer ignore things I was too blind to see.

I slump under the great weight of this new understanding.

After long, agonized minutes, one thought pokes through.

Twelve years.  He's been like this for at least twelve years.

He's still my Carl.

A picture and now my *knowing* hasn't changed *him*.

It has only changed *me*.

I raise my head to look into his eyes.

I can't speak yet.

To give myself time to think of something to say that will let
him know I don't see him as any different, I rise to go stand
behind him.

Bending over, I wrap my arms around his trembling shoulders.

Then, before I kiss him gently, I murmur...

"Take as long as you need this weekend.

"We'll still be here when you get back."

I watch as he at last gets up and walks out.

He pauses at the door and looks back at me.

My last words are spoken gently.

"Take good care of Lady.

"Enjoy yourselves.

"There will be other weekends in the future for us.

"If you want them."

         * * *

After I stand at the window and watch him drive away, my mind
drifts to the many hints he has dropped over the years.

Carl is a good actor.

I knew he loved his bitches.

What I never dreamed was that he also 'loved' them.

Sarah was never obvious about it either.

Always the proper and 'normal' dog and owner.  Happy pet and
master.

She would sometimes reach up to kiss each of us but I never
thought it meant more.

Lady, on the other hand *had* obviously been attracted to Carl.

At least at first.

He had laughingly called it her 'discovering her sexuality'. 
Joked about how she was in heat.

Then, after her second, no, third estrus, she had quit bothering
us for sexual attention.

My thoughts skittered away in confusion.

I always had thought that one trained dogs to have sex with you.

Was it really the other way around?

That you had to train your dogs to *not* ask for sex?

Looking back, it was obvious Carl had encouraged Sarah and then
Lady to *not* show sexual affection in public.

So, they appeared to be just another man and his dog in public.

My mind skitters to a new thought.

How would *I* feel if I could not display my love for Carl
publicly?

It would hurt.

I admit to myself that I don't know if I have the inner strength
to be able to hide such a basic part of me and not become moody
and sullen.

Carl and Lady do.

Reluctantly, I conclude that for all I am human...

An animal has outdone me in adapting to a world where her sexual
attraction for her partner has to be kept hidden.

Indeed, she has earned the title of 'Lady'.  She is a most proper
one.

More thoughts.

I've worked with rescue dogs both alone and with Carl.

Dogs and bitches from unhappy homes.  All had one thing in common.

You could see any affection was given unwillingly.  With lots of
hesitation at first until they learned to trust again.

So, Carl couldn't have been forcing himself on Sarah and
then Lady.

I would have seen it a long time ago.

Still confused and numb, I go to sit at my desk.

As I settle my head in my hands I realize he forgot his drawing.

I can tell he treasures it.  He has had it laminated.

There is so much I need to know.

Questions I need to ask.

Except...

I need the answers from Lady, not Carl.

I want to know both of their views of the relationship.

A giggle forces its way past my lips.  It is tinged with hysteria
but it does let me relax a bit.

The line from a children's story.

"If I could talk to the animals..."

As the line finishes itself, I realize I have found a solution

I can't talk to Lady.

She can, however, speak to me.

I hope Carl will understand what I am about to do.

Decision made, I put the picture in my desk drawer and page the
staff.

"Take the rest of the day and the weekend off people.

"John and Mary, you get to open next week until I get back.

"I'll be taking an extended weekend to relax."

As I shut it down and listen to everyone leaving, I breathe the
last words to myself.

"With Carl and Lady.

"I hope"

        * * *

After the goodbyes are made and I lock the doors, I return to my
desk.

I take out the drawing and stare at it.

I look to where another picture sits in a frame on my desk.

Carl standing and looking at me.

Lady, at his side and looking up at him.  One paw is raised and
slightly hooked around his leg.

*I* took that picture.

Yet I never realized then...

What is so obvious now.

She possesses a part of him I never knew about.

How much of him do I really have?

Finally, I sigh and quit lying to myself.

I'm jealous because he is sharing his sexual favors with his dog.

Ten years of shared pleasure and quiet moments.

Now, with two words, he has shattered me.

'Married couple'.

He obviously considers his living with Sarah and then Lady the
same as he would if he and I were married.

I feel...

Cheapened.

Or am I?

How does he view our relationship?

He's accepted he's in love with his bitch.

Has sex with her.

What other views of his are 'not normal'?

Perhaps...

He can show me a way I can accept what I know?

          * * *

Last night was...

Tender.

Intense.

Fulfilling.

Lady was in her element.

She romped and bounced and chased imaginary and real prey.

Yet...

Yet, she always made that extra effort to include me as part of
her world.

After setting camp and cooking dinner, I stripped.

It felt wonderful.

Fresh air caressing me.

The touch of the grass and flowers against me.

Lady running up to nuzzle me.

Inviting me to join her in a more intimate play.

We did.

Caresses and licks.

Tender mouthings by both of us.

Insistent demands as she knocked me backwards to then stand over
me and demand that she be allowed to kiss me in her way.

My own teasing touches as I worked her with my fingers.

Her short pauses and then even more demanding attention as she
continued to lick the inside of my mouth.

Gentle pressure as I ask her to move to a different part of my
body.

Reluctance and then eager licks and pauses as she would swipe her
tongue across my penis and then pause and stare at it as if to say
'Well, where is it?'

My honest laughter and joy as I tell her.  "Too soon my love. 
Much too soon.  Patience."

Oh yes...

The first outing of the year is always special.  We get to relax
and just be ourselves in a way we may never be at home.

No fears of discovery.  I trust her to notice if someone
approaches us and to let me know.

Of course, in all the years I have been coming here, nobody has
found this meadow on their own.

Linda knows about it.  After I brought her here early in our
friendship.

So, today, Lady and I get to relax together.

Yesterday and last night was only the beginning.

Knowing her appetites, I expect that as always, I will be going
to bed very early.

She exhausts me at times like this.

I love it.

And her.

    * * *

I feel somehow dirty.

I arrived at the downwind end of Carl's Meadow (that's how I have
always thought of it) and settled to watch and listen.

All I could hope for was that Lady or he would not notice me as I
sat in the deep shadows.

They didn't.

I witnessed their morning greetings and exuberant contact when
they got up.

The casualness of their sex fascinated me as much I felt repelled
by it.

Their casual touches and intense time together spoke volumes
about how they felt.

As the hours passed, I started out confused and then, as time
went by, managed to begin to understand.

The new understanding only added more confusion.

The first time I saw them make love, I thought Lady was going
into convulsions after he withdrew.

I nearly spoke out when he didn't appear to be concerned.

Then, as his laughter drifted to me, I realized.

She was convulsing in her orgasms.

Stunned, I forced myself to see the whole thing.

Fascinated, for the first time in my life, I understood that
female animals can orgasm.

I winced as she bounced and yipped in excitement and licked Carl.

She seemed so out of control and yet he never flinched as she
would lunge in to lick his penis and then bounce away.

Trust.

The *incredible* amount of trust he had in her control.

This was Carl and Lady as I had never known them.

Never dreamed they could be to each other.

No wonder he considered his relationship the same as a marriage.

Nothing else fit.

Then, as they both grew tired, they cuddled.

Gentle lovemaking followed by staying together and napping
together.

When I realized they had fallen asleep together, I cried silently.

Not for them, for myself.

I couldn't understand how come Carl could have all this already
and still love me as deeply as he did.

For twelve years, we have been friends.  Ten years as lovers.

I *knew* that he loved me deeply.

I knew his body so well that he couldn't lie about that.

Twelve years and I now know with the same sureness that he has
loved his bitches with the same depth and intensity.

They have loved him just as deeply.

*Lady* loves him as much as I do.

How can they have such a deep love and never show it in public?

As I think back, I can see signs that they care for each other.

Deeply.

But even if you paid me vast amounts of money, I couldn't stop
and look at anything and point and tell someone...

"They have a sexual relationship together."

What I have seen shouts that sex is something they both find
essential in their pairing.

The very casualness at times tells me they have a deep bond.

They are settled and cooking lunch when I finally gather the
courage to reveal myself.

With a trembling sigh, I reach into my purse for his drawing.

A deep breath and then, with the drawing held before me, I begin
to walk across the meadow to them.

Lady notices me first and with her happy barks and playful
circles, she escorts me to Carl.

         * * *

As we wait for our lunch to cook, Lady is carefully cleaning my
crotch.

She is very oral and very thorough in her efforts.

So, I am surprised when she lifts her head to stare at one end of
the clearing.

Automatically, I turn to see what has caught her interest.

Seconds pass before I realize someone is walking towards us.

Someone?

Here?

When she jumps up and runs to whoever it is, I realize.

I know that figure.

Linda.

Nude, with Lady cleaning me *as* she realized we had company, I
know we have been seen.

Frozen, my whole body red with my embarrassment, I can only stare
as Linda approaches.

Why is she here?

How much did she see?

Sure, I told her that I had sex with Lady.

I never expected her to seek us out.

I feel violated.

Linda *knows* what this first trip means to me.  Yet, she has
chosen to seek us out anyway.

Why?

Lady is the only one of us acting as if nothing unusual is
happening.

Linda is a well known friend.  She has been here with us often
over the years.

She doesn't see anything out of the ordinary in Linda arriving to
join us.

My own fault.

Linda *has* joined us late at times.

Always though, I knew she would be here and could allow for it.

There is an awkward silence which she finally breaks.

"Hello Carl.

"Your lunch is burning."

Her calm and normal tone registers before the meaning does.

"Lunch?

"Burning?

"Damn!!"

I hurry to save what I can.

My courtesy is automatic when I ask Linda if she would like some
of our lunch.

"Thanks.  I haven't eaten since well before dawn when I left the
house to come here."  Her voice is so soft I can barely hear it.

As we eat, it registers.

'Well before dawn'?

My head jerks around to stare at her.

As our eyes meet, she blushes and then looks down.

"I've watched you and Lady since dawn.

"I had to know.

"See the two of you together.

"I couldn't ask.

"No, that's not right.

"I couldn't ask *Lady*.

"It was the only way I could think of to let *her* tell me how
*she* felt.

"I already know how you feel about Lady.

"You forgot this on my desk when you left.  I had plenty of time
to think about what it means to us."

She held out the drawing.  Until that moment, I hadn't known I
left it.

"I chose to see your forgetting it as your trust in me rather
than being so distracted you forgot it.

"It helped."


           * * *

chapter 2 - The Cool Heat of Reason
---

I stare at the drawing as Linda holds it.

My anger and feelings of violation are replaced by a numb anger
at myself.

How could I have been so blind?

For almost twenty years, I have dreamed of being able to meet
someone who could accept my love for my dogs.

Their returned love is so obvious to *me* that I never thought
about how others would need to see it.

I now realize that most people wouldn't even know what to look for.

At least Linda knew what to look for.

I can't say I'm happy about her solution right now.  I do know
that time will heal that wound.  As it has healed others we have
caused each other.

As for people seeing Lady and I acting 'natural' once they know
about us...

That's almost impossible to do since I have taught all my dogs to
*not* display their sexual attraction and love while we are around
others.

Linda's desire to *know* my partner's side of the story is
something I should have foreseen.

I didn't.

If Lady and I are a partnership of equals, a 'marriage', then she
must be allowed to speak for herself.

Linda's solution, while it *was* a violation, was the only one
possible.

By not knowing she was watching, Lady and I were both natural,
unrestrained.

Speaking from our hearts with no chance of hiding our feelings as
they really are.

After long minutes of painful silence, I shrug slightly and speak
my thoughts aloud.

"Keep the drawing.

"It's a copy anyway.

"The original is done in color and locked away to reduce the
chances of people seeing it.

"I'll show it to you the next time you are over."

As she puts it in her purse, my numbness and shock starts to fade.

"I won't deny my mood has been destroyed.

"At first I was angered that you dared to seek us out.

"Your explanation has redirected that anger at myself.

"All my adult life, I never thought about how someone would need
to see us together as ourselves.

"It's not going to be easy for me but I'll try to adjust to you
being here and knowing.


"I also have to make a decision.

"Now that both of you are here...

"Who do I make love with?

"Do I continue to make love at all?

"In all honesty, this was to be my and her weekend together.

"I feel it still is.

"She welcomes you so I do.

"Would you like to stay?

"Could you deal with her and I making love?

"I don't want you feeling obligated to join in.

"On the other hand, if you stay, you'll wind up having to deal
with her and I wanting time to be with each other.

"Both of us know some decisions are going to be made that will
affect us for a long time to come."

Now I dare to ask two of the questions that have been nagging me
whenever I pondered telling someone I am a zoophile.

"How are we going to deal with this new dimension of our
relationship?

"Do we even have a relationship to look forward to?

       * * *

What have I done to Carl?

I can hear the tension in his voice as he tells me that this was
to be *their* time together.

For the first time in all our times here, I feel like an intruder.

The outsider.

I thought I would be able to watch them, decide for myself, and
then the three of us could finish the weekend together as we used
to.

Carl hasn't changed.  He is just showing me another part of
himself.

I want to feel he is being honest with me for the first time. 
Except that he has always been as honest as he dared.  When he
couldn't be 'honest', he 'lied' with silence or carefully spoken
'truth'.

Then I find the word I am looking for.

'Trust'.

I'm the first *human* he has completely trusted.

For the first time in his life, he is letting someone see the
real Carl.

Letting *me* see that he and Lady are a true partnership - of
equals.

He and Lady are not 'man and dog'.

They are 'husband and wife'.

As for his reluctant willingness to allow me to stay if I wish...

I wish I didn't understand that.

How many times have *we* been interrupted together and he has
deferred to my wishes or discussed it with me before deciding?

Far too many for me to remember all of them.

Now, I can see that he treats Lady's decisions with the same
respect.

Finally, I sigh, slump, and give him the part of the answer I do
have.

"Lady. Carl.

"I'm sorry.

"As far as I'm concerned, we still have a relationship."

For long minutes, I sit there and weep.

            * * *

It is Lady who breaks the awkward silence between us.

She has come up and started licking my face.

After what feels like hours, I hear a sigh from Carl.

I can see his tenseness as he slides over beside me and wraps me
in a hug.

Before he can say anything, I quiet him and lean into his
comforting embrace.

"You and Lady haven't changed...

"I have.

"For the better I hope.

"I need your help though.

I feel his shock.

"Help?  How?  Of course you have it."

Long minutes as I cry and struggle to find the right words.

"It's...

"I...

I sag again.

"I know you and Lady love each other...

"I'm convinced it's the same kind of love you and I share.

"It's just that you and she...

"And then you and I...

More tears as I struggle to say the words...

"You fuck her and then you fuck me.

"What am I to you?

"I don't understand how you can love either of us so deeply and
still love both of us."

I lean against him gingerly.

"I need to understand how you can love both of us this way.

"How you managed to accept something that is considered...

"Repulsive.

"Unthinkable."

Reluctantly, I force the words out...

"And yet...

"So fascinating...

"So...  Erotic."

I lower my voice and through my tears, find the strength to
finish it.

"I love you.

"I don't want to lose you.

"Help me."

        * * *

As Linda wraps me in a hug so tight I can barely breathe, I
remember some of the other times we have been like this.

Far too often to keep track of.

Yet, we are still together.

So what is it in me that is forcing me to add still more to the
chances of driving her away?

Am I being selfish?

Do I want it to end here, now, this weekend?

If it is to truly end?

Am I rationalizing when I think I want her to have all the facts
so she can then decide?

Always alone, never knowing any other like myself - I can only
stumble along and hope that I don't make too many mistakes as I
learn.

It is with a sense of relief that I work my way to a solution.

This isn't any different than the other times one of us has asked
for help from the other.

One of us needs help.

I answer Linda as I have answered her in the past.

My hand goes to caress her stomach, then her breasts - lightly,
tentatively.

Tenderly.

It is a signal that it is her choice if she wants to go further.

That I love her, want to comfort her.

Tell her in a way that leaves no doubt about my feelings.

Body language.

Sex of the gentle and caring type that heals souls with its truth.

A time when neither of us can lie to the other.

      * * *

I open my eyes in stunned shock as I feel Carl stroke my body.

I look at his hand as it moves across me.

Mesmerized by that touch, I realize he has somehow reached and
found a way to tell me his true feelings.

Part of me wonders at this wisdom revealed.

He's not doing anything we haven't done before when I have had
problems.

So what makes this time so important?

When he stops, I take his hand in mine and slowly bring it to my
lips and kiss his fingertips.

The act of bending my head lets me see Lady.

Eyes meet and I know part of the answer.

She is resting her head across my legs and watching me.

Watching *me*, not Carl.

What I do next is a consciously made gesture.

I place Carl's hand on her head and then slide mine away to pet
her.

I return to his hand and as I lift it away, I watch to see how
she reacts.

Her eyes follow our hands as I place his hand on me and push at
it slightly to let him know he may continue.

I am rewarded by her letting out a small sigh of pleasure and
then relaxing and placing her full weight on my legs.

As her eyes close, I look at Carl.

Then I reach to begin helping him remove my clothing.

As much of it as can be removed without disturbing Lady.

I'll leave it him to decide when he wants to make her move.  Or
if he wants to move her.

For the first time, I smile tentatively.

 From past experience, I know he's inventive as well as gentle and
caring at times like this.

I *trust* he will be now.

           * * *

As I silently help Linda, I look at Lady every so often.

Females still baffle me.

What happened?

I don't understand what Linda did.

I don't understand Lady's reaction to it.

The two of them were in some world of their own.

I didn't exist for either of them while it happened.

I can sense that much.

Yet...

I was central to it.

Then I realize Linda is being consciously careful to not disturb
Lady.

I work at it as I slowly work Linda.

Then it hits me.

I asked Linda to choose.

She did.

*After* asking Lady for her permission to let us continue.

Body language.

She told Lady that she had the right to stop us.

That in Linda's view, lady had first claim to any attention from
me and Linda would honor any claims made.

Oh joy...

I just realized.

Lady is willing to share me.

Linda is willing to not only share but take second place.

*I* get to decide how to proceed from here.

To make love to Linda, I will have to also move Lady.

I have no choice.

Lady's head is inches away from Linda's crotch.

Always before, I haven't hesitated to make her move.

So what makes me hesitate this time?

Nothing has changed yet it has all changed.

Or has it?

I don't know and it tears me apart inside.

I'm crying as I shift so I can hug Lady and pet her.

I kiss her mouth tenderly and whisper.

"Linda needs me right now."

I get a  kiss in return.

Lady uses her tongue to probe my mouth in one of our normal kisses.

Regretfully, I pull away and gently shift Lady to one side.

She settles there just as she has in the past.

With one hand, I slowly caress Lady as I use the other to help
Linda remove the rest of her clothing.

After she is naked, I find us shifting so that Lady is laying
with her back against Linda's side.

Linda is caressing me with both hands as I use one of mine to
trace Linda's body and the other to trace Lady's.

It seems the most natural thing in the world that I find one hand
caressing Lady's vulva and gently probing it as I finally couple
with Linda.

Penetration is matched by penetration.

Then Linda pulls my head down so our lips meet.

Our tongues intertwine briefly and then there is dual penetration
as our tongues seek and find familiar homes.

As my mind dissolves into the needs of serving both of my ladies...

I remember two things.

Body language doesn't lie.

I still need to explain to Linda.

I was going to start explaining during sex.

Now...

Well, any explanations will be after.

          * * *

chapter 3 - Abstract Distraction
---

I want to feel Carl's weight on top of me.

So, I wrap my arms around him and pull his sun warmed body closer.

His familiar movements within me comfort me.

Reassure me that his feelings for me are still the same.

Even the feel of Lady's fur against my side is a familiar and
comforting presence.

She too accepts me.

Everything is achingly familiar and it reassures me that our
relationship hasn't changed now that I know Carl and Lady have a
sexual as well as emotional relationship.

Nothing has changed...

What?!

I can't help stiffening and then letting out a small gasp.

Nothing has changed?

Nothing HAS changed.

Even Lady's movements against me are familiar.

Movements she is making as Carl gently pays attention to her.

Sexual attention.

Movements made as I reach out and make random contact with her
body.

I fall limp as I start to realize something else.

Lady is not first in his affections when I am around.

I have been first all along.

So how come that makes me so sad?

"Carl?

He has already paused after feeling me go limp.

"How often have you been paying sexual attention to your bitches
when you and I are together?"

"Never!"

His voice is filled with hurt that I should need to ask that.

"Yes, I have petted them once in a while..."

I never knew a man could lose his erection so rapidly.

"OhMyGod."

His soft words are filled with pain.  An intense pain beyond any
I have ever seen in him.

He gently rolls off of me and shifts so he is seated beside me.

Facing away, he has his head in his hands and is weeping.

When I reach to touch him.

To reassure him.

He flinches and for the first time in years, shrugs my contact
off and pulls away.

"No wonder it felt so natural to work her while you and I were
making love.

"I never realized.

"Never knew that I have been doing it already.

"I've been lying.

"To you.

"To Lady."

His voice is haunted...  "To myself."

Now I understand his pain.

It is the pain that comes from growth.

The loss of one's unconscious illusions.

The same pain I felt this morning.

A pain I share because now, I am reminded that I still don't
understand what he gets from bitches...

I know it's something I can't give him.

At least I now hope it is that.

Because I want to believe that if I could give him what he needs
he would never have started making love to Lady after Sarah died.

I can't figure out what Sarah and then Lady have given him that
he hasn't had with me.

Does he know?

I want to believe he does.

This isn't the time to ask.

I wait.

After a while he raises his head and turns to gaze at Lady.

Then, he shifts around so he can see both of us.

Our eyes meet and he shakes his head 'no'.

After more silence, he reaches over me to pet Lady.

I've never seen him so...

What *is* the word I want?

Pensive?

Haunted?

Abstracted?

No.

I have it.

'Soul-searingly-pain-wracked'.

I have never seen anyone in such deep emotional pain.

'Be honest with yourself Linda.'  My mind taunts me.

'You never conceived anyone, especially a man, could feel such
hurt and still function at all.'

"First Sarah..." I barely hear his words because they are a mere
whisper.

"Then Lady...

"Have given me something I don't think any human could ever give
me.

"The ungrudged acceptance that during sex...

"I am absolutely selfish and will manipulate them to do nothing
more than increase my own pleasure.

"Every time.

"Without fail.

"I have always been that way.

"I also expect my partner to be that way.

"Even with humans.

"With you.

"Every time we make love."

I stare at him in stunned silence.

Anything I was going to say.

Any explanation I expected...

Except this one.

Carl?  Selfish?

He has called me selfish as well?

I am outraged.

"You are one of the least selfish people I have ever known.

"You tell me you enjoy being with me because I'm *not* selfish.

"Not out to use you.

"Now, you say this?

"Has everything between us been a lie?"

"NO!"  It is wrenched out of him and filled with a new pain.

At last I have his full attention.

"Wait.

"Let me explain.

"This is what I feared.

"Try and understand my views on this.

"Then decide.

"I get a great deal of pleasure out of making sure my partner
enjoys herself.

"I also get a great deal of pleasure from my orgasms.  They are
made more intense if I know my partner is happy.

"But *if* I am to orgasm.

"Reach that timeless moment when I feel complete.

"Feel one with my partner.

"If I want to get both of us to the point where we merge on that
very primal level where we are pure instinct.  Pure emotions...

"There is always a point when I must be totally selfish.

"After a certain point, everything done, is done to increase my
own pleasure.

"Every movement, every feeling, every touch...  Is sought after
and done for my own increased pleasure and to bring me to
completion.

"Everyone...

"No matter how caring...

"Reaches this point where instinct and need takes over.

"A time when we lose all control over our actions.

"It can be just a few brief seconds...

"But after it is over...

"You could have done *anything* to your partner.

"For someone who prides himself on accepting responsibility for
all his actions...

"The knowledge there are times when I have no control at all.

"Is my worst nightmare come true.

"So to be held responsible for something *nobody* can avoid...

"Especially when it is done as part of expressing how deeply I
care,

"Tears me apart inside.

"Sarah never made me apologize for being myself.

"Lady never has and never will.

"We know we will *always* use the other for our own pleasures
during sex.

"I never feel ashamed of being selfish during sex with Lady.

"With you, I do."

I look at him questioningly.

I can't see what makes him have problems with this.

"Let me see if I have this right.

"You are upset because you use your partner for your own
pleasures during sex.

He nods.

"But that is normal...

"Each person will often use the other.

"We've done nothing more than raw sex when one of us 'itched'

"There's nothing wrong with that if both are aware it is happening.

"Mutual use can make it more intense for both.

"I don't understand the problem."

"Unless it's something about being a male.

He sighs...

"Linda.

"You missed my point.

"If one is totally honest with themselves...

"It happens every time anyone seeks to orgasm.

"Your partner becomes meaningless.

"Who you are, what you are using...

"Meaningless.

"Everything you do or have done to you is seen only as how it
increases or decreases your pleasure...

"How quickly it brings you to orgasm.

"It's true for everyone.

"Every time.

"Period."

My whole body flushes a bright red.

I suddenly understand what he is trying to tell me.

It *is* a male viewpoint thing of sorts.

I'm so used to the idea of being 'used' for a man's pleasures...

I never let myself know that I use them as well.

Just as selfishly.

Every time I seek to orgasm.

Every time I enjoy sex...

I use my partner on the level he speaks of.

Carl is the first man I have known who accepts that in himself.

No...  He is the first person I've met who even realizes how
selfish a person is during their final efforts to achieve orgasm.

All the efforts our culture makes to stress caring for our
partners...

To *not* use our partner.  To *not* be selfish during sex.

At the very moment of ultimate pleasure...

Wasted effort.

No wonder we have such guilt when it comes to sex.

Carl has managed to put things in a perspective that lets him
understand and accept that no matter how much he cares...

No matter how basically unselfish he is...  In the seeking of
sexual completion, he and anyone else will be totally selfish.

For almost twenty years, he has been able to have relationships
where both partners are this accepting of their needs.

Animals aren't any other way.

People, for all we can reason.

Aren't either.

Except we have learned to lie to ourselves.

I look at him and Lady with new understanding.

Another barrier has dropped within me.

I won't be able to give him what he needs, for years to come.

If ever.

When he fucks Lady, he can truly just let go and fuck her.

Both of them can focus on selfishly seeking their own pleasure
with no need to apologize for doing so.

What's it like to be able to be that selfish during sex?

No worries about doing things to please the other.

Everything done only for yourself.

Gods....

Could I ever trust a human partner to that degree?

Not just prior to satisfaction but during the whole thing?

Images of Carl and Lady together float enticingly in my mind.

The utter exhaustion both of them displayed after what seemed to
be such a short time together.

Can I learn to be that way?

Do I want to?

I shiver with an inner heat I know well.

The intensity of my desires frighten me.

I'm not ready for them.

I can't act on them yet

I don't know if I ever will.

My mind is filled with the image of a male dog.

Powerful.

Driving to complete himself in his partner.

I'm the object of his lunging efforts to tie.

I'm his bitch.

His object.

I desire to use him as selfishly as he uses me.

As I drive backwards to help him...

To feel him inside me..

I orgasm.

My eyes snap open.

The dog vanishes.

My trembling does not.

Carl is looking at me.

His hands are carefully held in his lap.

Lady is wandering the meadow.

I reach and draw him to me.

"I only imagined..."

He silences me.

There is a pain in his eyes.

"I know.

"I understand.

"I accept whatever the future may bring.

"I've lost part of you now.

"But, it is a part neither of us knew you had to lose.

Finally, we make the effort to kiss tenderly.

I'm the one who whispers the words.

"Will you marry me?

"Now that we know each other?"

   * * *

I sigh

Many years ago, I made Linda a promise.

That if we were to get married, she would have to ask me.

"Officially marry you or unofficially?

"You know...

"In the eyes of standard law, we are already married.

"Ten years of regular sexual contact.

"Sharing our homes whenever we feel like it.

"Still together after problems that have broken up friends of ours.

"I'm willing.

"Very willing.

"Except...

"Are you willing to accept that the words I speak at any
ceremony, unless we get them rewritten...

"Will contain lies for the benefit of those around us?

"  'Forsaking all others' are the main ones I'm thinking of.

"You know I won't honor those.  I don't expect you to either.

"Most people accept this violation of the vows anyway.

"But for us...

"Any 'forsaking' - will most likely be of a type few will
accept or understand."

I call Lady to us and kiss her deeply.

Once I lay back and settle, she moves to straddle me.

I align the two of us and sheath myself in her warmth.

As she settles with a small sigh on my chest, I look at Linda.

"Knowing what you do.

"About me and Lady.

"About yourself and your own desires.

"Are you certain?"

"Whatever you decide -

"So long as you do not ask me to change my relationship with
Lady,...

"Yes."

Then I turn back to Lady and at last allow her to complete the
kiss she has been demanding.

Slowly, the world fades as Lady and I reaffirm our love and
commitment to each other.

This time -

We do it in Linda's presence.

Openly.

With no apologies or shame on my part.

Whatever comes of this.

I will still have Lady to share life with.

          * * *

Carl's first words startle me.

Then, as he falls silent and begins to make love with Lady, I
remember some of the conversations we have had over the years.

About our views on marriage.

Views about how the other would react should one of us decide to
make love with another person.

My own words and then our agreement.

'So long as there is love and care,  not just sex,  I'll welcome
any person who is able to capture you that deeply.'

His own agreement that the same would hold for any person I
choose to be with.

I sigh softly to myself.

How many times have I said dogs are people in their own right?

Personalities with needs and desires of their own?

The world shifts and I finally see their combined movements in a
new light.

Awed...

I at last realize how special I must be to Carl.

To be able to get him to look outward from what he already has...

Very special indeed.

Not used.

Not second best.

In his eyes I am the absolute best of all the human women he's
ever met.

Able to compete on a level most aren't even aware of.

Even now, he tests me to see if I can be honest with myself.

By openly making love to Lady, he is letting me see and then
decide for myself if I can deal with things.

He accepts himself and Lady's place in his life.

After 12 years, he has found the courage to admit it openly with
someone else.

That someone is myself.

With that in mind, I can at last face and accept my own
fascination for what he is doing.

Admit to myself that *I* want to have sex with a dog.

Right now those desires are those of a person who wants to
'selfishly' feel the physical coupling, nothing more.

My god...

I just realized.

Neither one of us is 'perverted' unless we see ourselves as
perverted in our own thoughts.

I don't need to worry about Carl feeling slighted because he
can't fill all my needs.

We can make this work.

Three of us now.  In time, possibly four.

Each bringing something to the relationship that only they can
provide.

Sharing.

Dreams do come true.

Sometimes not as we would have them be fulfilled.

I don't mind.

With that, I shift and roll to where I can join Carl.

As I feel him drive to his release in Lady, I wrap my arms around
him and wait for him to return.

At long last, he shifts in my arms.

"No apologies."

I kiss him.

"I won't mind living a lie.

"So long as it is with you and Lady.

"We know the truth."
---

minor modifications and reposted:
Stasya T. Canine
October 9, 2001

---

"Give a minute...
   Give the gift of friendship to a stranger."
     --Stasya T. Canine, September 14, 2001--
~~~
http://storiesonline.net/Stasya_T_Canine
http://www.furnation.com/Nikkolai - Furry, general audience

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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