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From: Cameron Fisher <morlock13@excite.com>
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Subject: {ASSM} <Easter> The Truth About Easter {Morlock} (Caution)
Date: Sun, 15 Apr 2001 12:10:02 -0400
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This story may not be posted on any website, free or otherwise, 
without my express permission.

The following story may contain a subject that is adult in 
nature. If you are under the legal age you do not have my 
permission to read it. If you are of legal age then enjoy.

Email the author at morlock13@excite.com

---------------------------------------------------------------

There has been a lot of misinformation about the true meaning 
of Easter. Of course we have all read the Bible's account of 
what happened, but look who wrote it. A group of people with a 
lot to gain from good publicity for Jesus Christ. So the truth 
about what happened all those years ago has never been known.

Until now.

Now the truth can be revealed about the people involved, and 
let me tell you, it's not pretty. But the truth is all that 
counts and it must be told, regardless of those that try to 
keep it from you. So here it is, in all its glory.

---------------------------------------------------------------

The Truth About Easter
By Morlock

Christ drew deeply on the joint, filling his lungs with the 
sweet smelling smoke. He held it in as long as he could then 
exhaled in the casual way of a seasoned pot smoker. He looked 
through the haze filling the small room and mentally counted 
his fellow occupants. Twelve apostles and their associated 
hangers-on, all in all about thirty people. Christ smiled as 
the effect of his last hit washed across his mind, bringing a 
dreamy surreal feeling to his surroundings. Looking down he saw 
the top of Mary Magdalene's head bobbing to and fro as she gave 
him one of her famous blowjobs. Yes, life was pretty good at 
the moment.

"I suppose we should get this meeting under way," said Peter as 
he passed the joint he had just drawn from to a naked girl that 
was gyrating on his lap.

"By all means," agreed Christ as he quietly shot his load deep 
inside Mary's throat. He turned to Judas, the man responsible 
for the group's finances. There was something about Judas that 
didn't sit well with Christ, the guy was too damn straight. 
Take now for instance. At the moment every apostle was either 
getting high, or laid, or both. Yet Judas just sat there by 
himself, quietly writing into his ledger. But no matter how 
suspicious he was the dude had a way with figures. He could 
make numbers dance like no one's business, and to be quite 
frank it was his talent that kept this group hip deep in money, 
grass and pussy. "So what's the deal with the folding stuff?" 
asked Christ.

"Well," replied Judas as he pushed his glasses up his nose, 
"the sales in 'I Love Jesus' robes appear to be tapering off. I 
think it's time we got a new slogan, something like 'My brother 
was healed by the Son of God and all I got was this lousy 
robe'." He looked around at the nodding heads and then wrote 
down an entry in his ledger. The fact that most of the nodding 
was drug induced didn't really matter. Neither was the fact 
that they would agree if he had suggested they should all go 
outside and bugger every dog in town. Judas knew the idea would 
work and that was all that really counted.

"How about the drugs situation?" asked Christ.

"Well we're selling more than ever," said Judas, "however we 
are yet to see a decent profit from it."

"And why is that?" asked John. He had to take a teenage girl 
off his face to do so.

"Because whatever profit we make pretty much gets smoked 
straight away," replied Judas.

"But we're making enough from the merchandise sales, aren't 
we?" asked Christ.

"Not really," said Judas, "our finances are steadily dwindling. 
Even with the donations we get from our followers, bread and 
fish will only go so far. What we need is to get some followers 
with a bit more wealth behind them, and that means going into 
the bigger cities."

"Well," said Christ, deciding to make an executive decision, 
"let's do it. Let's grab all our shit and head into Jerusalem. 
It should be pretty busy this time of year, what with the 
Passover and all." He noticed that Mary had that look in her 
eyes again and smiled. "Right after Mary here gives me the 
fucking I so richly deserve."

***

Pontius Pilot was not a happy camper. Sure he looked satisfied, 
what with the longhaired brunette gobbling his cock as he 
pulled a cone of highest quality grass. But inside he was a sea 
of turmoil. He waited until he had climaxed and the brunette 
had dutifully cleaned up the mess and left before speaking. 
"Fellow Romans," he pronounced, "I am troubled."

Clitoris Maximus looked around the room to see who Pontius was 
talking about. Aside from the redhead being rogered by a horse 
in the middle of the floor, Pontius and Clitoris were the only 
people there. He knew better than to point this out though, so 
instead he just pretended to pay attention while he watched the 
show in the middle of the room. "What troubles you, sire?" he 
asked.

"It's this whole Jewish Passover thing," sighed Pontius. "All 
these troubled Jews and no drugs to sell to them. It's a missed 
opportunity."

"Unfortunately there are no drugs to be had anywhere in 
Jerusalem," said Clitoris. "I know, I've tried everywhere."

"Then you're not trying hard enough," said Pontius. "I suggest 
you lean on the Priests, they always know where to get the best 
drugs, booze and women."

"I've tried," lamented Clitoris, "but they say there is nothing 
to be had."

"Okay then, let me put it this way," said Pontius. He leaned 
over to Clitoris Maximus and whispered in his ear. "If you 
don't find some drugs by Friday, it will be you under that 
horse next time." He pointed to the redhead that had finally 
managed to squeeze herself onto the stallion's raging hard on.

"I'll get right on it," gulped Clitoris.

***

Pederastus was watching the new choirboy with avid interest. 
There was something about the way he sang that caused a great 
stirring in the old man. Something heavenly, almost pure in 
it's innocence. Or it could just be because Pederastus wanted 
to fuck the shit out of him. In more modern times he would be 
considered a pedophile, a blight on society, but in these times 
he was what he was.

A Priest.

He settled back into his chair and fantasized about a blowjob 
from an eleven-year-old boy as his cock started to swell 
beneath his robes. He had just gotten to the interesting bit 
when he felt an arm on his shoulder. He looked up to see 
Clitoris Maximus staring down at him.

"We need to talk," said Clitoris.

"I already told you," replied Pederastus, "there are no drugs 
to be had in Jerusalem." He was mildly irritated that his 
fantasy had been interrupted.

"That's the wrong answer," responded Clitoris. He grabbed 
Pederastus by the hair and proceeded to drag him into a back 
room.

"Hey, what the hell do you think you're doing?" blustered 
Pederastus as he tried to regain his footing. He yelled in 
protest as he was flung face first onto the floor. Pederastus 
rolled over to discover that he was surrounded by Roman guards.

"Now then," said Clitoris as he squatted next to the priest and 
took out his sword. "Tell us where we can get what we want." He 
examined the blade as if it was sharp enough to cut steel.

"I swear to God, there are no drugs left in the city," pleaded 
Pederastus.

"That's a shame," replied the Roman. "I was so hoping I 
wouldn't get any blood on this new sword."

"You know," said a voice from the doorway, "there's one way you 
can get as much pot as you want."

The group turned to the owner of the voice, a small man wearing 
glasses and an "I love Jesus" robe.

"Shalom," said the man, "my name is Judas, and do I have a deal 
for you."

***

Christ opened his eyes in the early morning gloom. He was 
surrounded by bodies in a small motel room just outside 
Jerusalem, a room he couldn't remember renting, or even 
crashing in. He sat up and winced as a sharp pain shot through 
his arse. He looked at the body beside him and saw Peter with a 
contented smile on his slumbering face.

"For fuck's sake, Peter," yelled Christ as he jumped out of 
bed. "Can't a man get stoned around here without the risk of 
being sodomised in the middle of the night?"

"What are you talking about?" asked a confused Peter as he 
rubbed the sleep from his eyes. "You asked me to do it."

"I think," said the Messiah as he rubbed his violated butt, " 
that I would remember doing something like that."

"Oh really?" asked Peter. "Do you remember sodomising every 
apostle in the room?"

Christ looked around at his companions. They were all waking up 
and rubbing their tormented arses. "Funny," he mumbled to 
himself, "I don't remember doing that either."

"You said something like, 'partake of this, for it is my body,' 
or something or other," said Peter. "And I don't even want to 
go into what you said when you got Luke to blow you."

Christ shook his head in disgust. "You bastards are making this 
all up, I would never do anything like that." He hobbled over 
to the door of the room and swung it open. Bright sunlight 
stampeded into the room and drove daggers into Christ's 
eyeballs. "Mother fuck!" he exclaimed and slammed the door shut 
again. "I am not going out there unprepared," he proclaimed.

"Joint?" asked Peter offering Christ a jumbo bomber.

"Don't mind if I do."

An hour later the door to the room swung open again, this time 
vomiting huge clouds of smoke as well as several stoned 
apostles, an extremely stoned Son of God, and a dozen chickens 
glad to have survived the night with their dignity intact.

"So where are we going?" asked John.

"We're going to find Judas," replied Christ. "Apparently he's 
found a buyer for our entire stash. And then tonight we're 
going to celebrate by having a huge dinner."

"Will there be drugs?" asked John.

"Yup," replied Christ.

"Will there be women?" asked Luke.

"Yes."

"Will there be sheep?" asked Peter.

The silence was deafening as all eyes turned on the apostle.

"What?" asked Peter defensively.

"Peter," said Christ as he put an arm around his shoulder, "we 
need to have a talk."

"But I like sheep," said Peter, "they're so soft and cuddly."

Christ just shook his head. "Okay, we're going to load up the 
donkeys and head into town. Peter, you walk up the front where 
I can keep an I on you."

The group packed up their belongings and headed into town.

***

Malachi Lieberman ran one of Jerusalem's best restaurants, The 
Loaves And Fishes. He had a very discerning clientele, which he 
ensured by charging high prices. So when he got a group booking 
willing to pay whatever he charged he expected a group with 
high moral standards. What he got was something completely 
different. Malachi new something was up when the first group 
stumbled through the door, obviously stoned out of their mind. 
 From there it got steadily worse. When the group wasn't 
drinking every drop of wine in the restaurant they were 
hassling guests, or chasing farm animals between the tables. If 
it weren't for the money he would have kicked them out long 
ago. Instead he turned a blind eye, even when a bout of 
tabletop sex broke out. After a few hours of bedlam Malachi 
decided to retire to the back room and count the night's 
takings until it died down.

Later on that night Malachi came out to find his restaurant had 
been trashed. Unconscious bodies were scattered everywhere, 
underwear was hanging from almost every piece of furniture that 
hadn't been smashed, and there was a donkey grazing in the 
desert bar. Spotting one of the group members that was actually 
conscious, he made his way over to demand an explanation.

Judas saw him coming and didn't like the look on his face. He 
thought about trying to make an escape but Malachi was on him 
before he could move.

"What the hell is this?" asked the restaurant owner, waving his 
arms at the destruction.

"A party?" suggested Judas.

"A disaster more like. Look at this place."

"It's not that bad," replied Judas.

"Not that bad? There's a donkey grazing on my falafel." 

"Well it's just one little..."

"And what about the two girls in my Salad bar?"

"What about them?"

"They are having sex with my cucumbers."

"Well..."

"And don't even get me started on what on what that man over 
there is doing with that sheep."

Judas reached into his robes and pulled out thirty pieces of 
silver. "Will this be enough?" he asked.

Malachi snatched up the silver and inspected it closely. "That 
will do nicely," he said, smiling broadly.

"I thought it would," sighed Judas.

***

The following morning Judas approached Jesus with a request.

"Can you do me a favor and sign some robes for me?" asked 
Judas.

"Sure," replied Christ sipping a cup of coffee. "How many do 
you want?"

"Oh, a thousand should do," said Judas.

"A thousand?" exclaimed Christ, spraying coffee everywhere. 

"Too many?" enquired Judas.

"Fuck yes it's too many," replied Christ. 

"Well couldn't you just wave your hand or something and do it 
magically or whatever?"

"For fuck's sake, ever since that bloody water into wine thing 
you guys expect me to perform miracles every bloody day."

"So that's a no is it?"

"Yes," replied Jesus, "it's a no."

"Well what about five hundred then?" asked Judas.

"Fine," sighed Jesus, "give me the bloody things." He spent the 
rest of the day signing the robes.

That evening Jesus and his disciples grabbed what grass they 
had left and a few bottles of strawberry ripple wine before 
heading down to the park.

"You know," said Jesus as he wiped wine from his lips, "with 
the money we made from yesterday's sale we could buy twice our 
normal amount of grass. Then we could sell it here and make 
twice as much again. I think we could make some serious coin 
out of this, couldn't we, Judas." He looked around but Judas 
was nowhere to be found. "Judas? Where the fuck have you got 
to?" He noticed a mound of writhing bodies so he wondered over 
to see if Judas was one of them. 

The mound was actually a gangbang that had developed for no 
other reason than that it seemed like a good idea at the time. 
At the bottom of it was one female that Christ knew very well 
indeed.

"Mum?" asked a shocked Jesus.

"Hello, Son," she replied. At least Christ thought that was 
what she said; it was hard to understand her considering she 
had a rather large cock in her mouth at the time.

"What are you doing?" asked Jesus.

Mary took the cock from her mouth and said, "What does it look 
like? I'm getting laid."

Jesus looked on in shock. His mother had something jammed in 
every orifice of her body, and someone's mouth clamped on each 
breast. The parts of her body that he could see where covered 
in cum. He was shocked, outraged, and not a little turned on.

Mary looked at the bulge rising in Jesus' robe and smiled. 
Without saying a word she reached forward and pulled her son's 
cock free, before sliding it into her mouth. "Mmmm," she 
sighed, "it's been ages since we've done this."

Christ ran his hand though his mother's cum-streaked hair and 
forced her head down hard on his cock. "Yeah, that's it bitch," 
he moaned, "take it all."

She did indeed take it all and when he came she swallowed every 
drop with a smile on her face. "Did you like that?" she asked.

Christ looked down at her, a hungry look on his face. Without 
warning he started grabbing people and pulling them off Mary, 
flinging them aside one by one. "How dare you violate my 
mother's temple," he exclaimed as one by one, people shrank 
away from him. At last his mother was lying naked and alone 
before him, her body glistening with cum. Christ knelt before 
Mary and stared into her eyes. "Forgive me, Mother, I know not 
what I do." He tore of his robe and pushed his way into her, 
driving his cock deep inside her pussy.

Mary wrapped her legs around him, urging him in deeper. "That's 
it, baby," she cooed, "Fuck mummy's pussy, fuck it hard."

Jesus did what he was told and fucked her as hard as he could, 
ramming his cock into his mother over and over again. His balls 
slapped against her arse with every stroke, driving sharp waves 
of pleasure up though the pit of his stomach. He groaned as he 
approached climax.

"Yes, baby," urged Mary, "cum for me, cum in mummy's pussy." 
She smiled as her son's rhythm increased until he came, 
shooting his seed deep inside her.

Christ pulled out and stood up, picking up his robe and getting 
dressed again. As he turned and walked away the crowd closed in 
on Mary once more, hard cocks going back to work on her sex-
starved body.

"Enjoy yourself?" asked Peter as Christ sat down beside him. 

"Shut up," replied Jesus and took the bottle of wine that Peter 
was holding. He lifted it to his lips and drained it in one 
gulp.

"Are you Jesus Christ?" asked a voice from behind him.

Jesus turned to see a group of Roman soldiers with swords 
drawn. "I'm Jesus, who wants to know?" he asked.

"Jesus Christ," said the soldier. "You're under arrest for drug 
smuggling, please come with us."

"And what if we don't want to come?" asked Christ.

"We?" asked the guard.

Jesus Christ turned around to see the park was completely 
empty, even the orgy had mysteriously disappeared. "Thanks a 
lot guys!" he yelled into the void.

***

Christ found himself standing before Pontius Pilate in the 
Roman court of Jerusalem. He thought he was on to a good thing 
here. Sure, he was being charged with importing drugs into the 
city, but Judas had told him that the drugs they had sold had 
gone straight to Pilate himself. There was no way he would be 
convicted, as the Roman would be cutting off his own supply. So 
he wasn't too worried when Pontius called for any witnesses.

"Yes, I'm a witness."

Jesus turned to see Judas standing behind him. "What the fuck?" 
said a dumfounded Christ.

"I said I'm a witness," replied Judas. "I saw the whole thing."

"So did I," said an elderly Jewish Priest by the name of 
Pederastus. He pointed to Christ. "That's the man alright, he 
did it."

"Who the fuck are you?" asked Jesus. The Priest ignored him so 
he turned back to Pontius. "This is ridiculous," he said.

"Do you deny the charge?" asked Pilate.

"No," replied Jesus, "but you're the one I sold the grass too."

"Let the record show that the accused admitted to his crime," 
said Pilate. "Take him away to be crucified on the hills of 
Golgotha."

"Hey, wait a minute!" cried Christ as he was dragged from the 
hall. "This isn't fair, I've been railroaded." His cries faded 
as he was dragged outside.

When Christ was gone Pilate turned to Judas. "Can you guarantee 
supply?" he asked.

"Yes I can," replied Judas. "But there may be some 
repercussions. Jesus is a popular man and someone may come 
after me."

"Don't worry about that," said Pilate, "we'll put you in our 
witness protection program. Now if you will excuse me, I have 
sixteen vestal virgins to attend too. And I can guarantee you 
they won't be virgins for long." He made his way out through a 
back door.

"Are you staying around for the crucifixion?" Pederastus asked 
Judas.

"No, I have five hundred 'I love Jesus' robes to get rid of," 
said Judas. "I have a feeling that the price will be going up, 
now that JC is getting nailed to a tree."

***

Christ stood in a prison yard with two other men that were 
condemned to death. Leaning against the wall were three wooden 
crosses.

"I can't believe this," mumbled Christ.

"Can't believe what?" asked one of his fellow prisoners.

"I got framed, and now I'm going to die on a cross," replied 
Jesus.

"Oh I wouldn't worry about that," said the prisoner. "It takes 
days to die on one of these things and the Roman guards don't 
want to hang around that long. Just fake your death after a 
couple of hours and they'll leave. Then you just wait for your 
friends to cut you down."

"You've done this before?" asked Christ.

"Oh shit yeah," replied the prisoner, "this is my third 
crucifixion. Honestly, you walk up to the hill, hang around for 
a few hours and then go home. Piece of cake really. They even 
get slaves to carry the cross for you."

"Bad news," said a Roman guard as he opened a door to the yard. 
"The slaves are on strike so you will have to carry the crosses 
yourself."

"Strike?" asked Christ. "They're slaves, they can't go on 
strike."

"What can I say," said the guard, "they formed a union."

"I can't believe this," mumbled Christ again.

***

The trip up to Golgotha was torturous, but eventually the 
crucifixion was ready to begin. Christ found himself being tied 
to the cross as it lay on the ground, then the whole thing was 
lifted up. The base of the cross was dropped into a hole carved 
into the rocky ground. Above his head was a roughly painted 
sign reading "Drug Dealer".

"Okay," thought Jesus, "all I have to do now is wait."

So he waited.

And waited.

And waited.

The next day Mathew, Mark, Luke and Peter arrived at Golgotha. 
The other prisoners had been rescued during the night so Christ 
was now alone.

"It's about time you lot turned up," said an exhausted Jesus. 
"I've been waiting for ages."

"Sorry," said Peter, "We didn't know where they had taken you."

"Well if you hadn't run off like frightened rabbits last night 
you might have been able to find out a bit sooner," replied 
Christ.

"We're here now, aren't we?" asked Mathew.

"Just get me down from here." Christ looked down at his 
rescuers. "Where's the ladder?"

"We didn't bring one," said Peter.

"Then how are you going to get me down?" asked Christ.

"We brought this," said Luke, showing him an axe.

"An axe?" asked Christ. 

"Yup," said Luke, "we're going to chop you down."

"I'm not so sure about this," said Christ. He was very nervous 
about the whole deal.

"Don't worry, Boss, I know exactly what I'm doing." Luke 
started to chop at the base of the cross with the axe. In no 
time at all the wood chips were flying everywhere. "It's just 
about ready to fall," warned Luke, "you guys better get behind 
him and prepare to catch the cross as it falls."

Mathew, Mark and Peter took up position behind the cross, their 
arms outstretched to grab it. A loud splintering sound came 
from the base of the cross.

"Okay," said Luke, "here it comes."

The four men watched as the cross started to tilt, then fell. A 
perfect plan except for one tiny flaw. The cross fell forward, 
away from the waiting arms of Christ's rescuers.

"Oh shiii..." cried Christ, his words cut off as the cross hit 
the ground with a crunch, crushing the Messiah beneath its 
weight.

"Oops," said Luke.

Peter rushed to his fallen Boss and checked to see if he was 
ok. "Shit," he muttered.

"Is he..." A worried Luke couldn't finish his question.

"Shit," said Peter.

"He's not..." 

"Shit!" exclaimed Peter.

"He's dead, isn't he?" asked Mark.

"This is not happening," said Luke.

"What are we going to do?" asked Mathew.

"I figure we have two choices," said Peter. "We can stay here 
and face the music."

"Or?"

"We can run like hell."

A few hours later Mary Magdalene found Christ's body and took 
him to a tomb she had acquired.

***

The rest you pretty much know, except for what happened to a 
few people.

Judas entered the witness protection program and became a 
successful drug lord and merchandiser.

Pederastus died of syphilis a few years after Christ's death.

Clitoris Maximus finally pissed off Pontius Pilate one too many 
times and died of internal hemorrhaging after being sodomised 
by a horse.

Pontius Pilate lived a successful life as a Roman Garrison 
leader until he was called back to Rome. There he became a 
nobody.

Peter went on to a successful career on the public speaking 
circuit until he was arrested for having carnal knowledge of an 
underage goat.

Luke never chopped again.



The End.








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