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From: Mule <mule@tpe.com>
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Subject: {ASSM} New Laws (Spoof, Femdom, Masurbation)
Date: Mon, 19 Feb 2001 02:10:04 -0500
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Of all the exercises I like to do with my tongue, sticking it in my
cheek is one of my favorites.

(From the Feminist National Newsline - FNN)

Senators Patty Murray (D) and Maria Cantwell (D) both from
Washington State introduced controversial Federal legislation
today. Senate Bill 200501226-B is based on the prototype program
adopted by their home state since the "feminist revolt" of 2004
occurred there. In that year, the feminist party won the
Governorship and more than 50% of both houses in the state. The
legislature immediately set about an agenda of feminizing the
state and "bringing justice and order" to its realm. In support
of SB 200501226-B, President Hillary Rodham said that it has been
"decades late in coming" and promised to sign the bill into law
the moment it crossed her desk.

Studies conducted at The Evergreen State College in the State
Capitol in Olympia concluded that there is a direct link between
testosterone levels in men and the violent crime rate. While the
more extreme elements of the feminist party called for mandatory
castration, the liberal wing successfully argued that this act
interfered with men's reproductive rights.

This decision left the legislature to debate a constitutionally
acceptable means to reduce testosterone levels in men. The
solution was mandatory masturbation. In typical Washington State
tradition, the activity was strictly regulated, taxed, and
audited to assure that the ejaculated sperm was disposed of in an
ecologically acceptable manner. A law allowing collection
consortiums to ship it to California as a condition of supplying
that state with water and electricity was passed by the state,
but overturned by a 5 to 4 vote in a U.S. Supreme Court ruling on
interstate commerce.

Under Washington State Law, masturbation is required for all
males between the ages of 11 and 54. A complicated table of
frequency by age determines how often masturbation is required.
The table indicates a mandatory minimum of three times a day for
13 to 21 year olds and decreases the frequency gradually by age
until an every other day masturbation for 54 year olds. Children
10 and younger and men 55 years of age and older are exempted
from masturbation service. Exceptions are also granted for
medical cases certified by a state-regulated board consisting of
medical specialists and masturbation practitioners.

Under the law, boys and men are not trusted to keep their own
records, so the state mandated that special places to register
masturbation be established. For example, schools set aside three
periods a day to accommodate recording masturbation. Workplaces
are also required to set up masturbation tracking procedures as
well. To assure that masturbations are conducted properly, a
licensed masturbation observer must monitor all activities.
Licensing is another means of revenue enhancement enforced by the
state.

Deeming that the males themselves would be busy during the
masturbation exercises, the first requirement for licensing is
that the observer be female. Any girl over the age of 18 is
eligible provided she undergoes the course of study and passes a
state-issued test. In the interest of assuring an adequate number
of licensed observers, this function is administered through the
Department of Transportation. Many girls get their observation
license at the same time they apply for their full drivers
license.

Under the supervision of these observers, actual masturbation
duties can be delegated to masturbation assistants. These, too,
are exclusively female.

Organizations with a large number of younger males require a
large number of observers and assistants. Schools are authorized
to use teachers and students in these capacities respectively.
Companies are authorized to hire interns to do these duties so
the female staff members do not have to interrupt their workload.
Schools and other non-profit organizations are tax-exempt, and
most companies offer this service as part of the benefits
package.

We take you now to Microsoft where a typical workday is in
progress. In the masturbation center (right next to the employee
cafeteria), a number of men are lined up with penises already out
of their flies. It's close to lunchtime, and a popular time for
men to report. At the desk are a woman of about 30 years age and
an intern, a high school senior.

The first man steps forward and hands the girl his employee
badge. "Good morning, Frank," the girl says as she scans his
badge. "I see you are 25 years old and haven't been milked today.
You can come by before you go home for your second milking."
Frank has options; he could go to any masturbation center, and
his daily donation would be recorded in the statewide database.
There are clinics in every neighborhood. Most men prefer to do it
at work or school.

The girl rolls on a pair of rubber surgical gloves. "Do you have
a preference of oils?" she asks.

Frank reads the girl's name tag, nods and says, "Yes Miss Regina,
I think I'll try mint."

"Good choice," she giggles. "I hear that it tingles. A lot of
boys like it."

She picks up the tube containing the oil and squirts a small pool
on her gloved hand. Putting the container aside, she rubs her
hands together as if washing her hands. The viscous liquid coats
both palms and fingers.

"What kind of a jerk off do you want?" she asks.

"Rope climb," the man says. There are several methods of
masturbation. All of them have formal and slang terms to describe
them. Rope climb, officially called "hand over hand" is
accomplished by grasping the penis with the hand and pulling down
on it. Just before the hand slips off, the girl grasps the penis
with the other hand, and continues stroking. There are six
officially recognized hand techniques for masturbation (not
counting variations) and all of them are taught to girls as part
of their attendant role in school. Other means of masturbation
are authorized, and are available if the male visits a
specialist. However most institutional settings use the "basic
six."

"OK, step forward," Regina says, grabbing his penis and guiding
him over the collector in her desk. The collector is a large
Teflon funnel whose top is flush with the desk. She aims Frank's
penis towards the center and starts her "climb" up his member. In
a matter of minutes she has him squirting his semen into the
collector. His sperm coats the sides for just a moment, then
slides down into the beaker waiting below.

Regina slips off her gloves and retrieves the beaker. She raises
it to her eye, carefully reads the level, and swivels in her
chair to make an entry in her computer. She seals the beaker,
tears a gummed label off the printer, attaches it to the
container and places it in a rack containing several dozen such
filled vessels. Turning to Frank, she says, "Good boy. You can
go." Frank moves on to the clean up station where he can wash his
penis and hands.

Regina presses a button. A liquid swirls in the collector much
like in the bowl of a toilet. She waits several seconds and then
puts a new beaker in place. Sitting up, she lifts her head and
calls out, "Next!"

The man steps forward. Regina swipes his card, smiles and says,
"Good morning, Mr. Gates."

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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