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Message-ID: <28534asstr$980327405@assm.asstr-mirror.org>
From: redjill@aol.com (Red Jill)
Subject: {ASSM} TRUE STORY,  My first D/s experience.
Date: Wed, 24 Jan 2001 04:10:05 -0500
Path: assm.asstr-mirror.org!not-for-mail
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Please excuse any errors in text translation. 
This is intended for adults only, but it's a free country.
I cried when I wrote this.




I sit here in the corner feeling so strange being in this place, a private club
where people come to meet others and to have sex wherever they choose without
guilt. All around me are people having fun, feeling free to express themselves
without shame. Not like me, self conscious and intimidated. Look at them all.
People are dancing and touching each other, and that woman there, the man next
to her just sat down a moment ago and already she has him in her mouth. He is
looking at me now, smiling. I know him. Earlier he put his hands on me and I
was afraid. A woman was with him and they were both pushing me against the wall
and saying horrible things. I couldn't get around them or push them away.
Finally I ran away back to the corner and the safety that my Angel provided. 
   Angel, how fitting a name for one such as he. I am in this place only
because he asked me to come and I am so grateful to the powers that be for
allowing things to come together so beautifully. I thought highly of him before
now but I am only just realizing how fortunate I am to call him friend. Few
things in my life are more important than friendship.
   Angel is a part of this place, an important one. He is the Dungeon Master, a
Dominant and I have to face the fact that I am a submissive. Long ago I tried
to confront what was inside me but could not find the right person who could
show me the way. I had an image in my mind of one who would be ideal and would
not settle for less. Sometimes I think I hid behind this perfect image and at
the same time hid from myself. I could do that no longer because Angel is the
one. It's funny how finally being honest with yourself after so long can bring
you both contentment and fear.
  I'll sit here alone near the dance floor like I've been doing all night. The
dungeon is crowded and I feel in the way there. I'm so disappointed in myself
actually. Why can't I go dance and be free like everyone else? Where does this
fear come from? I am not some naive child fearful of her virtue, far from it. 
   Hands on my shoulders gripping me hard. I turned to look and I don't know
this man. " Good evening" he whispers in my ear " I saw you in the Dungeon
little girl, I know what you want. You want to be used like a whore and I think
that suits me just fine" he grabs my hair and pulls my head back, " Come with
me, now, I feel like making you scream, come, don't make it harder on yourself"
he tries to pull me up out of my chair by my hair but I hold on tight, my heart
in my throat. Angel where are you? "No, please, I can't leave from here,
please, I..I'm not allowed. Please let me go" He doesn't, he pulls harder
breathing in my face and looking in my eyes. After what feels like forever he
pushes my head away and walks away calling me a whore. I look around but no one
saw, no one was paying any attention. Terrified I go quickly back to the
Dungeon and take refuge near Angel and his friend. She sees I am upset but I
reassure her everything is fine. I want to run to Angel himself but he is very
busy and looks so happy. I won't tell him. I don't want to cause trouble in
this place, His place, where everyone else has been so wonderful to me.
    Watching the woman Angel is working on I wish I could be like her. She is
comfortable with herself and her body in a way I'm afraid I will never be. I
will try though. I want to stand proud and let my passion show to the whole
world. Maybe Angel can help me. He wrote my name down on his Dungeon list and I
am happy he thought of me although I don't know if I can go through with it in
front of all these people. What if that man comes back, I couldn't stand having
him watch me. He isn't worthy of me.
    Angel calls me to him after a long while and I go happily. He asks me who
has bothered me, his friend has told him. He wants to know but I still don't
tell him all that's happened, I can't. For some reason I am ashamed. I feel so
awful and ask him to hold me. He puts his arms around me and I feel safe. I
tell him I am afraid of the crowd and he makes me so happy by offering to wait
until everyone is gone and we can be alone. I have never been more joyful than
I am at this moment. 
    It feels like days until the club closes for the night. I spend it with
people Angel told me I can trust and where he can see me if he chooses to seek
me out. Finally it's time and everyone starts to go. Angel speaks at length
with another Dominant and I don't interrupt, I keep to myself and when his
friend looks at me I feel compelled to look down at the floor. I don't know
why.
      Angel locks the door and we are alone. I am terrified but not of him,
never have I felt fear of Angel. If it was Angel touching me or pulling my hair
I would revel in it. I want that more than anything. I have never felt longings
like these, so intense my blood pounds in my ears and I feel on fire. So unlike
me.
       He takes my hands and I stand before him unsure what to do so I clasp my
arms behind my back as I have seen his others do. I try to stop shaking but I
am unsuccessful. He laughs at me, he is wonderful.
      He unbuttons my shirt and I tense, hoping I wont disappoint him. He has
such beautiful women and I struggle to feel worthy. I stand before him proudly
and know that I am safe. Images run quickly through my head. Will he be gentle
with me? Will he touch me and guide me slowly, or, and I try not to think this,
will he grab my hair and be rough with me? I have never seen him be anything
but gentle and I try not to think on this or how it makes me feel.
       I stand still for him while he touches me. He grants me a request and I
let his hair down, I doubt he knows how much he appeals to me. He kisses me and
it is wonderful. 
       Leading me to the corner he binds my arms over my head and my ankles
apart. I still worry he will find me unworthy somehow and try to put it from my
mind. I honestly could not think of anyplace else in the world I would rather
be than right here with him right now.
   Blindfolded I feel the rest of the world drop away, reduced to the sound of
his movements and my own breathing. He removes my last barrier, my skirt and I
feel nervous again, not liking myself, I put it from my mind. His touch
helps..driving every thought from my head. Softly he does things to me and in
spite of myself I feel impatient. I have no idea what I am waiting for I only
know that I want it bad. Something tells me I have finally been shown the key
to unlock myself from the cage that holds me back and I feel frantic. He cuts
away my clothing and I feel exposed, worried, until he touches me and his
fingers and his toys bring feelings I didn't even know I had. I feel like a dam
is breaking and I'm going to drown.
   I am unable to speak even when he questions me and instead I just struggle
to stand there and turn myself over to him. Shame still has a hold on me but
it's losing its power.
     I lean into Angel desperate to feel his body against mine and I hope he is
pleased with me. For a moment I wish we were in a bed, in the dark and he was
inside me pressing me down. The thought intrigues me.
    He turns me around to face the wall and again secures me. I know what is
coming and I can't believe how much I am anticipating it. I marvel at the
strength of it. He touches me softly with the flogger and I'm shaking again. I
can't lie to myself and I don't even try. When finally it falls on me I cant
even think. The pain lasts only a moment and is replaced quickly by something
else. I look inside myself as he goes on and find things there. Briefly I
entertain the thought that this is deserved, but that confuses me. I want to
make him proud of me. Then I cant think of anything. I live only for that brief
moment when he stops and puts his hand on my skin. When he is near enough I
press close to him feeling so strange and grateful to him for sharing this with
me and making it possible for me to know what it is like to let go of my fear.
I'm afraid I will overwhelm him with the force of my emotions so I say nothing.
    Angel begins again, harder, more intense. I am lost and I would give
anything to know what is going through his mind, is this work to him or can I
claim to be special? Does he know what it feels like to be in my place?
   Harder it falls wrenching small cries from me but I hang on. I feel freedom
in crying out. Resolve pours through me and just as I think of saying Thank You
Sir with each lash he tells me to do so and I am proud I almost read his mind
although I find it hard to say this...the words coming reluctantly from my lips
and I wonder why this small thing almost succeeds in bringing back the shame. I
don't let it. Pain is all through me, in my legs that can hardly hold me up and
my hands struggling to support my weight but still I refuse to give in. Angel
is trying to make me say Red but I don't want to. Angel gets his crop and it
hurts but still I resist. Weakness is not a part of me now. There's nothing
else in the world beyond him.
  Finally, regretfully, my strength gives out and I am afraid I will fall. I
call Red. Immediately I wish I hadn't, but it is enough. He releases me and
says wonderful things but his demeanor is strange. I think he wants something
of me but I am unsure how to ask. I want to tell him that I want him but I am
afraid he will be angry. Would he be ofended if I try to touch him or try to
convince him to let me do something for him? Desire has never come easy to me
before now, never have I wanted to sink down to my knees before a man and offer
him comfort. Again a flash of an image in my mind of Angel grabbing me roughly
by the hair and taking me. I feel weak and try to control myself. My back feels
electric and I feel reborn.Angel says he is impressed and he has no idea how
much that means to me. He has earned my friendship and devotion for life.
    
    

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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