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Subject: {ASSM} {REVIEW} Celestial Reviews 380 -- Dec 23, 2000 -- SPECIAL CHRISTMAS ISSUE
Date: Sat, 23 Dec 2000 20:10:03 -0500
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 ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Celestial Reviews 380 -- Dec 23, 2000 -- SPECIAL CHRISTMAS ISSUE

Note: Thanks to everyone who entered the Celestial Christmas Story 
Contest. The reviews follow below, after several other Christmas 
stories that were not entries in the contest. 

I'll get right to announcing the winners. But first let me repeat the 
old adage that there really are no losers in a contest like this. By 
that I mean that some of the non-winners were pretty good stories 
too. It gives me a warm feeling to have helped generate this little 
cluster of excellent stories. 

I waited until all the entries had arrived before reading them. The 
first story I read of the stories eligible for the contest was EZ 
Riter's "Mike's Present." It was a good start, and for several more 
stories it retained its preeminence. 

Then after several other entries I read Redman's "A Neighbor's Gift." 
This was a very moving story -- completely different from my original 
leader. My problem was that since this was a tear-jerker, I had a 
real difficulty deciding whether it was the quality of the story or 
the nature of the emotions that had won my heart. I really liked 
Redman's story, and it felt almost disloyal to my deepest sentiments 
to give EZ's story -- which relied heavily on creative twists in the 
plot -- even a slight chance at the Prize against the noble emotions 
expressed in Redman's. 

Finally, I read the longest of the contest entries -- "Bernoulli's 
Christmas," written by a new author named Chuck Waggin. This one was 
again completely different from the other two. What I liked best 
about the Bernoulli story was the way it blended irreverence with 
reverence. In addition, this author seriously (and irreverently) 
screwed up the selection process by shamelessly pretending to pander 
to my grammatical and lexical interests. By unusual coincidence, this 
story also alludes to the other two authors in passing -- but I'm 
confident that this is merely a chance occurrence, since the story 
also alludes to several other authors who did not submit entries to 
the present contest. 

So I guess I am going to declare a threeway tie for first place. 
Therefore, in alphabetical order, here are the three stories tied for 
first place in this year's Celestial Christmas Story Contest: 

1. "Bernoulli's Christmas" by Chuck Waggin

1. "Mike's Present" by EZ Riter

1. "A Neighbor's Gift" by Redman

One final note. All three of these are stories that really CAN be 
thought provoking. That is, all three really do focus in a valid way 
on what I think is the "true meaning" behind the holiday season. In 
each case there is a sense of people discovering something important 
about love -- of happiness pervading life in a more complete way. I 
honestly don't expect to hear a devout person give a better sermon 
during this holiday season than I derived from this combination of 
three stories. And these were quite enjoyable to boot. It's really 
great when I can get a boost like that from a bunch of smut stories. 

So thanks to everyone who entered the contest. I encourage everyone 
to read all these stories and to share your comments with the 
authors. Don't forget to give a blowjob for Christmas. 

THIS WEEK'S JOKE:

It seems Santa's little workers weren't cranking out enough toys for 
the upcoming Christmas run; so Santa had to get them some help. He 
called up Jack and Jill, and since they weren't doing anything they 
agreed to help out. They got along well with the elves and worked 
really hard. It wasn't long before they had more than enough toys 
made and Santa didn't need to keep both Jack and Jill working for him 
so he didn't know what to do.... Lay Jill or Jack off. 

=====================
Celestial Reviews Index:
=====================

"A Christmas for Carole" by Heatheranne (Dickens Redux) 10, 9, 9
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27575

"Slut Elf" by Terri Madison (Christmas sex) 9.5, 7, 7
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27754

"Christmas Party" by Lyndon Brown (office party sex) 9.5, 7, 7
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27794

"Taxi!" by Bronwen (quickie in taxi) 10, 10, 10
http://www.hootisland.com/bronwen/taxi.htm

"Merry Christmas, Bitch!" by Ladyvet (sexual revenge) 10, 8, 4
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27882
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27883

"He Saw 'Mommy' Fucking... 'Santa Claus'" by Leta with mkarl (rant) 7,
2, 1
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27945

"After the Christmas Party" by Redman (sexual fantasies) 10, 9.5, 9.5
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27926

"Elve's Holiday" by Mr Ledft (post-apocalyptic snowmobile sex) 5, 2, 1
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27947
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27950
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27956

"A Visit from St. Nicholas" by Virago Blue (cold sex) 9, 8, 8
http://x76.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=707801834

"The Other Claus" by Finsternis Ex (North Pole sex) 7, 4, 2
http://x61.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=707710625
http://x61.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=707722968
http://x61.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=707710632

===================================
Celestial Christmas Story Contest
===================================

"Lucky Santa" by Sven the Elder (Christmas quickie) 10, 9.5, 9.5
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27848

"A Neighbor's Gift" by Redman (poignant romance) 10, 10, 10
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Redman/A_Neighbor's_Gift.txt

"Black Silk Stockings" by Tiramisu (romantic bondage) 10, 8, 8
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27802

"Mike's Present" by EZ Riter (deja screw) 10, 10, 10
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27806

"Christmas Creampie" by Creampie Eater (creampie) 9.5, 9, 8
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27793

"The Yuletide Offering" by Mr. Backgammon (artsy wife watching) 9.5,
8, 8
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27966

"Bernoulli's Christmas" by Chuck Waggin (emerging adolescence) 10, 10,
10
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27893
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27906

"A Starlet Christmas" by Maria Gonzales (Christmas fantasy) 10, 8, 8
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/MariaGonzales/www/

"Certified" by Maria Gonzales (romantic exhibitionism) 10, 10, 10
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/MariaGonzales/www/

"Diner" by Solstice (FF becomes FFF) 10, 10, 10
http://www.mcstories.com/Authors/Solstice.html

===============================
Stories from Christmas Past:
Celeste's Top 20 Christmas Oldies
===============================

1. "Stocking Filler" by Bronwen
http://www.hootisland.com/bronwen/xmas.htm

2. "For Now" by Uther Pendragon
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Uther_Pendragon/www/brennan/now.txt

3. "Forget All That" by Uther Pendragon
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Uther_Pendragon/www/brennan/fat_a.txt
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Uther_Pendragon/www/brennan/fat_b.txt
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Uther_Pendragon/www/brennan/fat_c.txt

4. "The Night Before Christmas" by M1KE HUNT
http://baird.pair.com/mrm1ke/christmas.htm

5. "Here Cums Santa" by SueNH
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/BitBard/www/forray/sue/santa.html

6. "Sue Saves Christmas" Paul LeComte

7. "Wrapped Attention" by Uther Pendragon
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Uther_Pendragon/www/story/wrapped.txt

8. "Santa's Cumming" by Kansica
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Collections/Old_Joe
's_Collection/Romance/Santa's%20Cumming%201%20by%
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Collections/Old_Joe
's_Collection/Romance/Santa's%20Cumming%202.txt
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Collections/Old_Joe
's_Collection/Romance/Santa's%20Cumming%203.txt
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Collections/Old_Joe
's_Collection/Romance/Santa's%20Cumming%204.txt

9. "Snowed In" by Dulcinea
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/BitBard/www/forray/dulcinea/snow1.html

10. "Christmas Break" by Mat Twassel
http://members.aol.com/Mmtwassel/xmas.txt

11. "Solstice Present" by Michael Snider

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Collections/Old_Joe%27s_Collection
/Bondage/needwork/Solstice%20Present.txt

12. "Snow Flake" by DG
http://baird.pair.com/dg/snow.htm

13. "Another Christmas Carol" by James Martin
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year1997/6348.txt

14. "A Child's Christmas" by Mat Twassel
http://members.aol.com/mmtwassel/beauty.htm

15. "Christmas Tale" by Frank Ashby

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Collections/Old_Joe%27s_Collection
/Wifeslut/Christmas%20Tale%20-%20Frank%27s%20story.txt

16. "A Christmas Pony" by Grr Raoul Leash
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Collections/nifty/gay/sf-fantasy/christmas-pony

17. "Christmas with the Andersons" by James Boswell
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year1997/6080.txt

18. "Christmas Presents" by Ruth White

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Collections/Old_Joe%27s_Collection
/TG/ChristmasPresents.txt

19. "Oh, Christmas Tree" by Dulcinea
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/BitBard/www/forray/dulcinea/christmas.html

20. "Adult Christmas" by Abby

=====================
Here are the Reviews:
=====================

"A Christmas for Carole" by Heatheranne (archiveposter@aol.comArchive)
(The
Kristen Archives).
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27575

This is a nice variation on "A Christmas Carol" by Charles Dickens. 
The middle-aged rich man has been ignoring his wife, while devoting 
far too much attention to his business affairs. And so the triad of 
ghosts arrives to teach him the meaning of love. 

The story is a clever and creative modern rendition of the old tale. 
Its main shortcoming is a lack of really explicit, titillating, 
romantic, erotic sex. That's a serious shortcoming on this newsgroup. 
But it's still a pretty good story. 

Ratings for "A Christmas for Carole"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"Slut Elf" by Terri Madison (Christmas sex) 9.5, 7, 7
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27754

Laurie goes to sleep with Christmas guests in her house. In the 
middle of the night she gets up to put Christmas presents under the 
tree, and she and one of her friends have pleasant sex with one of 
the guests. 

Lots of people will enjoy this story, which spreads Christmas cheer. 
It's just that I need some special seasonal twists to give a 
Christmas story really high ratings. 

Ratings for "Slut Elf"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7

"Christmas Party" by Lyndon Brown (indysheets@hotmail.com).
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27794

Hubby is boring and so is the Christmas party. So the wife slips away 
for some fun and games with another guest in a room at the motel at 
which the party is being held. The story includes some nice 
explorations of why a wife would do this and some nice little twists 
in the story. However, it relies too heavily on a twist at the end 
that doesn't have quite enough impact to carry the day completely. 

Ratings for "Christmas Party"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7

"Taxi!" by Bronwen (bronwen@anon.nymserver.com).
http://www.hootisland.com/bronwen/taxi.htm

I try to read and review all of Bronwen's stories, but this one must 
have sneaked into the newsgroup during one of my sporadic hiatuses. I 
found it when I was looking for Christmas stories. 

This is a delightful tale of a woman who is going home in a state of 
frustration from a business-related Christmas party. She hasn't been 
getting any sex lately. She came close at the party, but (probably 
wisely) she refrained. And now she's going home alone. 

Well, not quite alone. It turns out that the cabbie has a good 
backseat manner. The sex and conversation are clever and sexy. This 
is a very nice story. 

Ratings for "Taxi!"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Merry Christmas, Bitch!" by Ladyvet (mrledft@aol.com).
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27882
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27883

This is a well written story, in the restricted sense that there are 
almost no grammar errors. It supplies evidence that it takes more 
than good grammar to make a good story. 

What we have here is a study in cruelty. I guess in some sense the 
story illustrates the point that vindictive hatred can be a horrible 
thing. The rich man's wife has been unfaithful, and he has decided to 
punish her by letting her live with a body that can never again give 
her any sort of sexual pleasure. The author goes to great pains to 
describe the intimate details of the surgeries and contraptions that 
will torment the fallen woman. Superficially, this detail seems to be 
meticulous and even praiseworthy -- for the author, if not for the 
bastard carrying out the torture. 

But this story is a house of cards. When Poe wrote about the guy 
hacking up the old man and burying him under the floorboards, he went 
to great pains to make that story plausible and psychologically 
realistic. This story is neither. A rich person's wife who was 
subjected to this sort of treatment would simply get a good lawyer 
and sue the S.O.B. The story gives me no compelling reason to believe 
that the rich man could get by with his torture. If a famous athlete, 
for example, tortured his wife in this way, he would no longer be 
playing golf and pretending that he was innocent. 

This story reminds me the work of a little kid I used to know named 
Chuckie, who used to brag about torturing insects. The problem was 
that he was afraid of insects, and the insects would have died long 
before they could have endured the paroxysms of pain Chuckie claimed 
to inflict. Is that you out there, Chuckie? 

Ratings for "Merry Christmas, Bitch!"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4

"He Saw 'Mommy' Fucking... 'Santa Claus'" by Leta with mkarl
(mkarl2000@hotmail.com).
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27945

I decided I would review all the new stories about Christmas. This 
story changed my mind. 

The narrator has been married for four years to a rich asshole with a 
little dick who harbors racial prejudice against his black brethren. 
It's not much of a life, but the money is good. As I understand it, 
the narrator believes that society is better served if people breed 
incestuous little welfare babies. 

The main conflict in this story centers around the fact that the 
narrator is an egalitarian bitch with a proclivity to do the right 
thing by her well-hung black brethren. Or so the narrator says. 
Actually, this story is just a rant about an ill defined concept that 
makes little sense to me. At first I thought it would be fun as a 
satire, but that wasn't true either. The title line said this story 
contained "maybe some blasphemy too," but this is the sort of trash 
that gives a bad name to blasphemy. 

Ratings for "He Saw 'Mommy' Fucking... 'Santa Claus'"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 2
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 1

"After the Christmas Party" by Redman (redman@seductive.com).
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27926

"I love to swirl the head of a nice hard penis with the tip of my 
tongue, to rub it firmly around my lips like I'm applying lipstick 
with the head." That's a nice image, isn't it? 

John and the narrator have attended a Christmas party; and as is the 
custom, the narrator has fantasized about copulation between and 
among the various couples. As a result, she's got herself in the 
middle of a complex blowjob that she just cannot resolve to her 
personal satisfaction. Between his tongue and her juices, her pussy 
is so wet and open he could drive a truck through it. Oddly, I heard 
that same expression during an NFL broadcast last Sunday, but the 
opening relied more on burly tackles than on wetness. 

The problem with all this is that the narrator suspects that her 
partner is fantasizing about someone else. Imagine that. 

This is a very nice little story that has given me more than one idea 
that I'll have to try sometime. And this really is the sort of thing 
that has occasionally run through my mind after a Christmas party -- 
or almost any other kind of party. 

Ratings for "After the Christmas Party"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5

"Elve's Holiday" by pet (mrledft@aol.com).
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27947
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27950
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27956

Always be suspicious of three-part stories where the author misspells 
the first word of the title all three times. Your spellcheck will 
acknowledge "Elf's" or "Elves'," but not "Elve's." Indeed, as I 
approached this story I had reason to believe it might have been 
about "Elvis" on Holiday. 

This story comes from the same address as "Merry Christmas, Bitch!", 
which I reviewed earlier in this issue. However, my internal text 
analysis suggests that this is a different author. Since I don't want 
to insult this author, let's just say the other author wrote much 
gooder. 

Sandra the snowmobiler gets captured by The Elves, who tie her up and 
beat her real swell. They even bite her nipples and drool on her. The 
Elves appear to be a sort of unkempt group of post-apocalyptic, 
Dickensian hooligans -- jolly but lawless chaps with no redeeming 
qualities whatsoever. 

Sometimes I read an obscure-looking story, and it turns out to be a 
gem. Sometimes it doesn't. Always be suspicious of three-part stories 
where the author misspells the first word of the title all three 
times. 

Ratings for "Elve's Holiday"
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 2
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 1

"A Visit from St. Nicholas" by Virago Blue (VBwrites@aol.com).
http://x76.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=707801834

Kristina is having trouble learning to ski. Nick offers to give her 
private lessons. Kristina's sister hopes Kristina will get lucky. And 
she does! 

I don't want to spill all the details. Let's just say if having sex 
at a ski lodge in a winter wonderland is your idea of either good sex 
or a Merry Christmas, then this story may be for you. 

Ratings for "A Visit from St. Nicholas"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"The Other Claus" by Finsternis Ex (finsternisex@hotmail.com).
http://x61.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=707710625
http://x61.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=707722968
http://x61.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=707710632

Mrs. Claus is worn out and depressed while her husband is off on his 
yearly rounds. You see, they don't have sex between Thanksgiving and 
Christmas. So now she's playing with herself. Through one of those 
miracles of masturbation, she becomes rejuvenated. Or maybe it was 
something in the water. Anyway, she fucks Santa's brains out when he 
gets home. 

Unfortunately, although he enjoys his wife's renewed enthusiasm, 
Santa has not acquired a comparable youthful vigor. That's why 
there's a chapter two, in which Santa's wife seeks instruction from 
the Winter Warlock, a creature not mentioned in my childhood 
mythology. But the Winter Warlock proves to be recalcitrant, and 
although Mrs. Claus develops some proficiency as a dominatrix, the 
magic corn is going to run out. 

I know that sounds incomplete. I guess it is. Maybe it will be better 
when the story gets finished. Right now, we don't even know what the 
title means. 

Ratings for "The Other Claus "
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 4
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 2

===================================
Celestial Christmas Story Contest
===================================

"Lucky Santa" by Sven the Elder (sven_the_elder@ntlworld.com).
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27848

Sven gets talked into playing Santa at the Company Christmas party 
and gets a special thank you from Katie the Ice Maiden, who happens 
to be dressed like Cruella DeVille. This leads to an interesting but 
relatively brief quickie. But that's how Christmas customs gets their 
start! Oh, cum, all ye faithful! 

Ratings for "Lucky Santa"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5

"A Neighbor's Gift" by Redman (redman@seductive.com).
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Redman/A_Neighbor's_Gift.txt

A dying woman needs some consolation as her life draws to its 
conclusion. A close friend who is married to someone else and plans 
to stay faithful to that person is put in the position where he is 
able to supply this love and comfort. 

I really don't want to tell you any more. It's a very moving story.

Ratings for "A Neighbor's Gift"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Black Silk Stockings" by Tiramisu (Tiramixu@yahoo.com).
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27802

This story is loosely related to several other stories by the same
author.

Cathi met Mr. Right while he was hanging out at Victoria's Secret. 
Personally, I am skeptical of guys who hang out there. But he's also 
an Internet Sex Story Author. Those people have their own designation 
on the U.S. Federal Income Tax Form 1040 T&A. 

So Rich binds Cathi -- actually, Catherine -- in black silk 
restraints and brings her to heavenly ecstasy. However, unless 
heavenly ecstasy is a code word for Christmas, this story has no 
connection to Christmas, except that it's predecessor won a previous 
Celestial Christmas Contest. Tiramisu is being naughty! 

The story is very much like the other bondage stories in the Rebecca 
series. I think it's well written and follows the formulas for benign 
bondage stories. However, I just don't quite get it. I think there is 
a subset of the sexual universe in which people believe that 
tantalizing one's partner is an obviously important part of sexual 
fulfillment. That hasn't been my experiences; although tantalizing is 
fun, I don't think it's the only way or even the best way to generate 
pleasure or to express love. But the people who are sold on bondage 
as the ideal modus fuckundi will be more impressed with this story 
than I was. But I still don't see what it has to do with my Christmas 
contest. Maybe the author is trying to tantalize me . 

Ratings for "Black Silk Stockings"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Mike's Present" by EZ Riter (ezriter@pdq.net).
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27806

Mike thinks he might like to date Emily, and so he invites her to a 
frat party. She declines: "You don't have to get me drunk, Mike.  
Lead me to your bed and tell me what you want me to do," she says. A 
guy can learn to handle rejection, when it's presented in that 
manner. 

So next she has to bring him home for inspection at Christmas. Ooops. 
Mom is one of his former bedmates. In fact, she had been married to 
someone else when he received her as a very nice Christmas present 
several years ago. 

This story consists of a very nice series of very sexy and 
interesting twists. 

Ratings for "Mike's Present"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Christmas Creampie" by Creampie Eater (CreampieEater@excite.com).
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27793

The story begins with Santa discussing with his lawyer via 
teleconference the legality of a present that has been requested by a 
damsel. 

A creampie is a term for a mouthful of cum when it is eaten out of a 
partner's vagina. Creampie stories range from those in which it's the 
lover who eats his own creampie to those in which the cuckold husband 
eats the creampie of the arrogant stud who has just screwed the hell 
out of his lovely wife. 

In this case, of course, it is Santa who supplies the creampie. The 
story will have more appeal to those readers who are already sold on 
the virtues of this sticky commodity. For his part, my husband 
considers a creampie about as appetizing as the fruitcake we get 
every Christmas from our elderly neighbor. 

Ratings for "Christmas Creampie"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"The Yuletide Offering" by Mr. Backgammon (mr_backgammon@hotmail.com).
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27966

The lovers parted several years ago. She had been posing nude for 
him, and she had been unfaithful to her husband during the affair. 
Her husband forgave her easily and even seemed aroused by her 
detailed descriptions of the affair. Now she has traveled west to San 
Francisco to visit her old lover and to beg a painting from him as a 
Christmas present for her husband. 

The story wanders -- sometimes obscurely -- between the worlds of 
art, fine dining, and Druid mysticism; but outsiders appear to be 
welcome. The story also includes an illustrated web site, but some of 
the links were not working when I went there. 

As I have said before, my friend who is an artist gets really ticked 
off when she hears suggestions that artists are always humping or at 
least ogling their models. She says artists are most often interested 
in good art and that deviant artists deserve to be punished. Imagine 
that. 

Ratings for "The Yuletide Offering"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Bernoulli's Christmas" by Chuck Waggin (cwaggin@hotmail.com).
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27893
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year2000/27906

This is a breezy, exuberant, sexy Christmas story by a new author. I 
hope he comes back with more. 

The narrator purports to be a seventeen-year-old boy who has been 
engaging in cybersex with older women but who plans to "cross over to 
real literature" by writing a story that will win this Celestial 
Christmas Story Contest. What he does instead is cross over to real 
sexuality. 

You guys should be so lucky as to encounter the adventures this kid 
encounters. He goes from being mired in the land of virtual nookie, 
to being part of some sort of college-girl ritual, to being seduced 
by his favorite teacher as a form of apology, to finding the girl of 
his dreams. And the best subplot is his True Love's unexpected 
disclosure to him her own adventures with one of his newfound lovers. 

We girls should be so lucky to encounter a kid like this. He's on a 
crusade to get laid, but he is full of insights into life that 
boomerang between the riotously funny and the profoundly insightful. 
For example, he sets forth the Jenny McCarthy Theory (which is also 
apparently known as the Cameron Diaz Theory or Almost Anyone Else Who 
Is Sexy Theory). The gist of this principle, which the narrator 
learned by overhearing his father talking heart-to-heart with his 
mother on the day she was diagnosed with cancer, is that "within 
certain broad parameters it makes no difference whether your sex 
partner is Jenny McCarthy or someone else." Or as the father restated 
it to the flabbergasted mother: "Listen, if somebody wants a person 
for a great pin-up poster or for a centerfold or for a picture on a 
swimsuit calendar, Jenny McCarthy has the edge on you. But being sexy 
is a lot more than that. Your body is important to me; but what I'm 
saying is that there's a lot of leeway in the features that let a 
body be really sexy. And a person's personality and the history 
between two people are what really make a person sexy." I could hug a 
man that would say that to me. In fact, I think I will. 

The story also contains a Second Blowjob Principle, but you'll have 
to read the story to find it. 

When I first read this story, I thought it was a stretch even to call 
it a Christmas story at all. Then I reread it and realized that this 
story might catch the spirit of the holiday season better than any 
story I have read recently. 

Ratings for "Bernoulli's Christmas"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"A Starlet Christmas" by Maria Gonzales.
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/MariaGonzales/www/

As our story begins, two young thespians are moping over their 
inability to become big-time television stars. Meanwhile, Randy Logan 
has received Santa Claus's personal email address, with a guarantee 
that his Christmas Wish will be granted. Merge these two thoughts, 
and you have a sexy Christmas story. 

What this story does is blend little sex and pop culture into a story 
about the Best Christmas Ever. It's not going to win my contest, but 
it's a very nice little story. 

Ratings for "A Starlet Christmas"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Certified" by Maria Gonzales.
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/MariaGonzales/www/

Evelyn is going to a Christmas party. She's dressed for seduction, 
but she stops at a toy store to try to purchase a Playstation 2 for 
her 7-year-old son. She spots the last one, but an S.O.B. swoops down 
and seizes it in his talons before she can acquire it. Fortunately, 
she is dressed for seduction. The raptor invites her to dinner to 
negotiate. She flirts. They negotiate. He agrees to let her buy the 
Playstation if she'll have dinner with him and grant him one favor in 
the course of the night -- no sex and no more than 30 seconds. 
{Incidentally, I just read an article in the NY Times that even 
"health professionals" vary widely in what they classify as sex. So 
do presidents of major industrial nations.} Thirty seconds, and he 
gets to decide when and where. They negotiate. They compromise. She 
spells areola correctly, and he peeks discreetly. Or was that peaks 
discretely? They seek arbitration from a gawky teenager. Then two 
teenagers help her with a stuffed Pikach. They dine and discuss past 
perversions. 

Then they have a wonderful, romantic evening together.

You'll have to read the story for the details. You'll be glad you 
did. 

Ratings for "Certified"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Diner" by Solstice (solsticehyp@hotmail.com).
http://www.mcstories.com/Authors/Solstice.html

This author hasn't posted a story here in a couple of years. I last 
reviewed "Presentation" and "Table for Two" a very long time ago. 
This author used to do hypnosis stories. This story contains no 
hypnosis, but it certainly was hypnotic -- or at least spellbinding. 
That is, I simply had to keep reading, just to see what the heck was 
really going to happen. 

This is one of those stories where a stranger wanders into town and 
discovers something really interesting going on. I can't disclose the 
details to you, except to say that the plot originates in this 
apparent typo on the diner's menu: 

"HART'S DINER Holiday Specials $5.99 + tax (incl bev):  Hash & beans 
Stuffed pepper w/ frt sal Ham and cheese on rye The girl on stool 1" 

To put it another way, the story is about a hooker and her customer 
treating one another like goddesses. Imagine that. 

Welcome back,  Solstice!

Ratings for "Diner"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

===============================
Stories from Christmas Past:
Celeste's Top 20 Christmas Oldies
===============================

* "Adult Christmas" by Abby (abbywife@aol.com).

This is going to be a little hard to explain: there IS a Santa Claus, 
but he comes only for selected families when the woman turns 40 and 
the youngest child has stopped believing in Santa.  And he's not an 
old man; he's a virile 30-year-old with a wife that gives great head 
to male and female alike.  And that's not all; but you really should 
read the story to find out about it for yourself.  Don't let the 
brevity of this review lead you to believe that this is a weak story.
It's really excellent! 

* "Another Christmas Carol" by James Martin
(amateurerotica.guide@miningco.com).
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year1997/6348.txt

My husband has always been reluctant to buy me sexy lingerie.  At 
first he would simply say, "You already look sexy; and all I'd do 
would be take it off of you."  When I explained that that activity 
itself might be interesting, he switched from the utilitarian 
argument to the more ambiguous statement that "it gets hard when he 
has to deal with the sales personnel." I assumed that "hard" meant 
"difficult" and that "it" was a weak and indefinite use of a pronoun, 
common among non-English teachers.  Having read this story, I now 
understand his problem: "it" has a more definite antecedent, and 
"hard" refers to epidermal surface tension. 

This is a very clever story about a man who goes shopping to buy 
lingerie for his wife for Christmas.  If sales personnel gave all 
their customers this much attention, they would certainly earn their 
Christmas bonuses. 

* "A Child's Christmas" by Mat Twassel (Mmtwassel@aol.com).
http://members.aol.com/mmtwassel/beauty.htm

The author says he hadn't originally intended to write a Christmas 
story, but he was disappointed that Mark Aster didn't give us Pat and 
Julie and Keda and Tommy enjoying Christmas and felt compelled to do 
it on his own. So he borrowed the gang from the Allen sisters, and 
the result is a delightful story that reads almost like one Mark 
would have written himself. The author points out that if Mark wants 
to sue him, he hopes that maybe Julie Allen will consent to be his 
lawyer. 

The story begins with Our Hero (to whom the author gives the cryptic, 
almost laconic name "Al") returning from his day's work as a 
department- store Santa Claus, accompanied by a delightfully bratty 
child named Malcomb. The adults do Christmassy things with the kids 
and sexy things with each other. The NBC Today Show is currently 
running a series about turning 40; and from what they say and from 
what happens in this story, we can safely conclude that Al has not 
yet reached that age. The author does an excellent job of imitating 
Mark Aster, with perhaps a touch of John Steinbeck at the very end. 

* "Christmas Break" by Mat Twassel (mmtwassel@aol.com).
http://members.aol.com/Mmtwassel/xmas.txt

The man is sitting in his office, watching the consultant finish up 
her work at the computer.  The company makes screen savers, and he 
doesn't know for sure whether she is testing his in-house version, 
which contains embedded erotic events <g>.  He also can't help 
thinking about the doorknob in her hotel room and the wonderful 
things the consultant might do to herself before or after a shower.  
Eventually, he confronts her on the elevator with a mild sexual 
innuendo.  For the denouement, you'll have to read this delightful 
story yourself. 

* "A Christmas Pony" by Grr Raoul Leash.
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Collections/nifty/gay/sf-fantasy/christmas-pony

I'm a city girl.  But that doesn't mean I don't know about country 
livin'. I listen to country songs on the radio, and they talk about 
lonely hearts, pickup trucks, unfaithful women, hard-living men, and 
greyhound buses.  They don't talk about Christmas ponies.  The young 
folks don't get much done 'cuz they're having too much fun in 
grandma's feather bed or rolling in the hay with Farmer Johnson's 
daughters, because there ain't nothin' wrong with their radios. The 
men occasionally leave their women at home while they pursue a Holy 
Grail called the damned ole rodeo.  The women are often tigers in 
their tight-fitting jeans who are looking for love in all the wrong 
places down at the honky tonk.  But none of them concern themselves 
with Christmas ponies. 

If country folks really DID have Christmas ponies, I'd know about.  
Pam Tillis would have mentioned it in her ballad about her crazy 
life.  Believe me: those songs are straightforward.  They sing about 
partying with Jose Cuervo and waking up in someone else's clothes; 
about living in two-story (not storey) houses; about little lovin' 
lies; and about two-timing bastards.  One of my favorites is a ditty 
by the Stattler Brothers about "My Bed of Roses" -- actually a pun on 
Rose's Bed -- in which a teenager describes how he learned all the 
things a man should know from a woman not approved of I suppose, whom 
the church-going folks in town wouldn't even talk to.  A Christmas 
pony wouldn't even be a stretch for country singers, who invented the 
term Dolly Parton and have been known to name their male children 
Sue. 

No, there is no such thing as a Christmas pony.  But heck, there's no 
such thing as Santa either.  And Rudolph doesn't really have a nose 
that glows. Nor does frosty go thmpity thump thump before he comes 
each winter.  And so a story about a Christmas pony is not out of 
order. 

Viewed from the proper perspective, this story is a real laugher.  
The basic plot is that Santa brings a Christmas pony down the 
chimney; and while Mom, Dad, Billy Bob, and Sis look on and plot 
their future activities, Santa has sex with the pony right there in 
front of the Christmas tree and fireplace. This obviates the need for 
egg nog!  And as Billy Bob (actually Jimmy) says to his father: "And 
you and Mom won't allow Amy or me to have human sex until we're 
eighteen.  I fully understand your reasons why.  So that's when I 
came up with the idea of having sex with animals.  I can learn about 
sex, have a great time at it, and won't get some girl pregnant." 

Which reminds me: What goes "Ho, Ho, Ho, Clunk?"
Answer: Santa Claus laughing his head off.

What goes "Ho, Ho, Ho, Clunk, Clunk, Clunk, Clunk....?"
Answer: Santa Claus laughing his head off at the top of the stairs.

* "Christmas Presents" by Ruth White.

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Collections/Old_Joe%27s_Collection
/TG/ChristmasPresents.txt

Ray (Rachel) and Jack (Janice) are both computer geeks and 
crossdressers. Neither is gay; but they discover that when they want 
to pass as female in public they can minimize risk of exposure by 
having one (dressed as a male) date the other (dressed as a female). 

They like one another.  As a grammarian, I stated that last sentence 
carefully.  If there were only two persons, I would have said, "They 
like each other."  But actually Ray and Jack like each other; Ray and 
Janice like each other; and Rachel and Jack like each other.  So they 
like one another, although only two of them are ever present at any 
one time.  Isn't grammar wonderful? 

As time passes the guys get better at crossdressing and enjoy taking 
greater risks.  They are even more successful as computer geeks and 
become wealthy. At the annual TV dinner (in San Francisco TV does not 
stand for television) Jack wins an award as most improved TV while 
Ray takes first place in the evening gown event. 

Now at this point, the idea hit me: "Wouldn't it be a great plot 
if.... "; and that was exactly the plot of the rest of the story.  I 
enjoyed the story even though I thought I knew how it would end.  If 
you want a clue, read the next paragraph.  If you don't want a clue 
and prefer to be surprised by this really creative plot, skip the 
next paragraph. 

Clue:  Skip this if you want to be surprised.  Clue: Think O. Henry. 
Further clue:  If you haven't guessed it yet, think "Gift of the 
Magi"!  If you haven't guessed the plot yet, you're not very familiar 
with American literature.  Read this story; but then you won't be 
surprised when you read O. Henry's story.  End of clue.  You can 
resume reading now. 

So they make a bet.  Each will live as a woman during the following 
year, and whoever does the best job (as adjudicated by the TV club) 
will win a vast sum of money and will obtain the services of the 
loser as a personal maid for a period of one year. For perfectly 
sensible reasons that are too complex to discuss here, they cancel 
the bet but continue to live and work as women, and Sally (that is, 
Walter the doctor) moves in with them as their maid.  It would also 
be too complex to explain why Ray finds himself as a client at the 
Institute for the Amelioration of Gender Dysphoria.  And finally 
comes the surprise ending. 

As I have read TG stories, I have learned that crossdressers have 
problems that we more blas  people hardly even think about.  For 
example, if a guy is dressed like a girl in a bar and gets carded, 
what does he/she do about the picture and information on the driver's 
license?  And novice male CD's have problems typing with those long 
fingernails.  I have also learned that TG stories are often very 
creative.  I have no urge to become a crossdresser myself or to 
become sexually involved with one, but I find the ideas in stories 
like this one to be extremely creative -- not _sexually_ stimulating, 
but very creative and _intellectually_ stimulating.  Although this 
story could benefit from a good proofreading, it is still an 
exceptionally creative tale. 

* "Christmas Tale" by Frank Ashby.

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Collections/Old_Joe%27s_Collection/Wifeslut/Christmas%20Tale%20-%20Frank%27s%20story.txt

Frank and Gladys are hedonists.  I know this because instead of going 
to church on Sunday, they stay at home and fuck; and before the third 
enfuckment they discuss swinging, and Gladys gets so turned on that 
she's eager to take it up the ass.  By this I don't mean they are 
irreligious: the church people probably preferred that they stay at 
home, since they would have been distracted by all that fucking, 
especially the anal part, and especially if the sermon was boring or 
the choir was off key.  Anyway, Frank and Gladys sponsor a sort of 
secular version of the Waltons' Homecoming or Gathering or whatever 
their Christmas special was called. 

The participants in the reunion are fairly normal people whose value 
systems and lifestyles differ somewhat from my own. I would say that 
they are like folks next door, but the folks next door to me go to 
church every Sunday, and I think they shudder at the very notion of 
anal sex.  The story is big on incest, but it's not the exploitive 
type of incest that many readers find to be distasteful. 

The story is told by the participants themselves, as they remember 
it. There are four different parts, each told from a different 
perspective; and the details of their stories do not always agree. 
This is an interesting approach: the same incident can be remembered 
differently by different people, because nobody sees the whole 
picture.  Each person sees only that part of the scene that could 
have been seen from his or her perspective, and even that part may be 
remembered imperfectly because of emotions or subsequent activities. 

The only minor weakness in the story is that it would have benefited 
from a good proofreading before going to press. 

* "Christmas with the Andersons" by James Boswell (Jaybos@cris.com).
http://assm.asstr-mirror.org/Year1997/6080.txt

Bobby is lonely and depressed, because he has to wait around to take 
his last exam after all his college friends have gone home for 
Christmas break. Readers of this story don't suffer, however, because 
Bobby spends his time rehashing a sexy scene from earlier in the 
school year.  When he finally catches his plane and goes home, he is 
met at the airport by his sensual mother and sexy sister -- or maybe 
it's vice versa.  Then things rapidly become more and more 
interesting. 

I chose this story because its title had a Christmas theme, and 'tis 
the season.  Actually, it's not all that seasonal.  True, Heather 
gives Bobby a simple blowjob rather than a complete enfuckment 
because she has already gone to confession and doesn't want to have 
to go again before going to communion on Christmas; but I think 
that's theologically ambiguous at best. {Heather must have had 
different nuns than I did.}  But when Laurie boinks the boss at the 
office while she's still full of her husband's cum from the wake-up 
call -- well, that could have been opening day of baseball season as 
well as a few days before Christmas.  On the other hand, the wild 
session with Stan the Man in the station wagon did at least start at 
the office Christmas party; and the drunken orgy that included Stan's 
little brother was really an extension of what had started earlier. 

Meanwhile, back at basketball practice, the lesbian coach has become 
attracted by the combination of sexy innocence and sweet sluttiness 
exuded by Bobby's 14-year-old sister, Amanda. And then we find Bobby 
wondering if his sexy mother is naked while he hears her grunting on 
the exercise machine in her bedroom. 

Certainly Sherri's big tits and the way she bangs the hell out of 
Robert at the office don't qualify as a Christmas story.  To be sure, 
Mr. Dawson is deeply interested in the youth of his community; but 
since that's really just a euphemism for liking his girls a little on 
the young side, it hardly qualifies as a Christmas motif. 

Ah, here's a connection: when Laurie is kneading the dough for the 
Christmas cookies, she's really needing a couple of cocks.  Then 
there's Father O'Sullivan -- a kind of Bing Crosby or John Black {for 
you DOOL fans} with raging hormones, leading the girls' choir in 
practicing carols. In his bed at night, as he whips his hand up and 
down his turgid flesh, lost in lust and guilt, his thoughts have 
often turned to doing indecent and indescribable things to sweet 
Amanda Anderson.  What would father O'Mally say about that? 

Maybe I'm being too rough.  After all, Mrs. Stone does say "Merry 
Christmas!" to Bobby after she lures him away from the party and 
before she pulls a Mrs. Robinson with him.  And when Mrs. Stone's 
daughter catches them in the act, Bobby and Mindy do go at it like 
reindeer in heat; and Bobby does explain his absence from the party 
as "checking out the Christmas decorations." 

Well, it all comes together when they exchange Christmas presents.  
And later that night, after all the festivities, while Amanda is 
gently masturbating in front of a glowing fire, visualizing in her 
mind's eye the special efforts she had put in to get just the right 
presents, generally reviewing her year's sexual exploits, looking up 
in the midst of an orgasm to see her big brother looking down at 
her.... 

If the mother's name had been Carol, we would have a clear musical 
connection: "Here we go a' caroling!"  As it is, we'll just have to 
settle for that other Christmas favorite: 

       "Yes, I need a little pussy,
       "Right this very minute...."

This is very hot reading for a cold winter's night.  It has some 
minor stylistic flaws, but it's an excellent story. 

* "For Now" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.du.edu).
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Uther_Pendragon/www/brennan/now.txt

It was almost exactly six months ago that I reviewed "Forever," the 
first story in the Bob and Jeanette Brennan saga.  I astutely said it 
was a good story, expressed a wish that the author would post more 
stories, and rated it 9.5, 9, 10.  I was also pleased as punch that I 
had recognized Uther Pendragon as the name of the king who 
established the Round Table on Merlin's advice and who subsequently 
found his true heir (King Arthur) through the ole sword-in-the-stone 
test. 

Since that time, this author has not only reposted a revised version 
of that story -- cleaning up the imperfections and earning a 10, 10, 
10 rating; he has also posted six more stories in this series, in 
addition to a half dozen unrelated stories.  At the present time I am 
going to say that this is the best story in the series; but I think 
that may be comparable to my daughter's annual statement that "This 
is my best birthday ever!" which is invariably followed a few months 
later by "This is the best Christmas ever!" What I mean is that each 
successive story (a) is excellent itself and (b) makes the whole 
series better.  As I read this story I saw Bob and Jeanette in a 
completely new setting, and I learned things about them that made 
sense, but which I had not thought about before. 

The present story is only indirectly about Bob and Jeanette.  It's 
told through the eyes of Bob's sister, Vi, a bright 16-year-old who 
wants to be a psychoanalyst some day but who is at the present time 
overwhelmed with her own problems with her boyfriend.  The sexual 
activity is equally indirect: we infer only what we can learn from 
Vi's descriptions of Bob and Jeanette, while she listens in the room 
next door while her hot brother and sister-in-law go at it in his old 
bedroom. 

This is an excellent Christmas story.  I loved "The Gathering" 
episode of the Waltons, and this is the sexually explicit version of 
it -- except, of course, that the Brennans are a smaller family and 
that Bob is Bob's first name rather than the ubiquitous Walton middle 
name.  The interpersonal and family relationships ring true in this 
story; and even the non-sexual details contribute to the sexuality 
that Vi observes in Bob and Jeanette. If this author does not have a 
degree in psychology, I hereby bestow an honorary degree upon him. 

If you have not read the previous stories in this series, do a favor 
for yourself or a loved one this Christmas.  Log onto DejaNews on the 
Web (www.dejanews.com) and punch in the search words "alt.sex.stories 
pendragon."  Download all the stories you find there.  The ones that 
begin with "For" are the Bob and Jeanette stories. They'll give you a 
warm feeling on a cold winter's night. 

* "Forget All That" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net).
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Uther_Pendragon/www/brennan/fat_a.txt
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Uther_Pendragon/www/brennan/fat_b.txt
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Uther_Pendragon/www/brennan/fat_c.txt

I suppose the main characteristic of the sexual activity in Uther 
Pendragon's stories is that it is both delightfully arousing and 
arousingly delightful.  In addition, the sexual activity is a 
perfectly natural part of each story.  We don't read about sexual 
athletes or people under the mystical influence of mind control; we 
read about people like ourselves or our parents twenty or fifty years 
ago.  It turns out we might have been interesting and sexy people. 

And then we have the aphorisms -- adages that would make Benjamin 
Franklin proud. 

**** "There is room for two in a twin bed, but not for two and a wet
spot."

**** "Daughters and husbands both create messes, but my daughter and 
my husband are both worth it." 

This chapter in the Brennan saga is written from Jeanette's 
perspective, and it includes her perfect description of her perfect 
man: "His puns are execrable, his vocabulary can make me blush, he 
thinks that passing gas is funny, his version of vacuuming a carpet 
isn't worth plugging the machine in, he can out-stubborn a cat 
without even trying.  He will, however, hug me when I need it without 
my telling him why I need it.  And no, you can't have him." When you 
mix that sort of thing with discussions of family finances, parenting 
skills, French phrases that are easily transparent to non-
francophiles, and really hot and tender sex, the result is a darned 
good story. 

As this story begins, Bob and Jeanette have now been married for ten 
years. Imagine that. The Kitten (their daughter) is not yet a year 
old.  They have returned to Bob's parents' house to celebrate 
Christmas and to make this story eligible for the Celestial Christmas 
Story Contest.  The story is a remarkable combination of current 
activities and flashbacks to Bob's and Jeanette's earlier lives 
together and apart.  I laughed and I cried and visited my own version 
of Bob for orgasmic and comic relief.  What more can a girl ask for 
in a story? 

The story is long on "relationships" -- in this case with a focus on 
the relationship between Bob and his family.  In addition, within 
this line of thought the author gives us sometimes lengthy 
digressions on complex topics. For example, we get a complex lecture 
on economics from Bob's father.  This is boring -- but that's the 
point: the old man goes off onto perplexing tangents, but that's part 
of his personality.  I think it is always difficult to deal with 
relevant but extraneous information in a story where the readers will 
be looking for erotic impact.  I suppose this author could improve, 
but I think he already does a pretty good job.  My advice is, if you 
find yourself reading a paragraph that sounds way too complex, just 
read it without trying to understand all the details.  There's a good 
chance the author is just trying to give the impression that the 
characters are having complex thoughts -- he's probably not really 
trying to teach you any French or economic theory. 

As in many other episodes of the "For" stories, the author throws in 
tantalizing details that make us wonder, "What was that all about?"  
For example, in this episode Bob and Jeanette visit her family as 
well as Bob's. The details of that visit led me to suspect that 
Jeanette had been subjected to some form of childhood sexual abuse 
from which Bob wants to protect his wife and his daughter.  The 
author handles this kind of innuendo extremely well. 

Penultimately, let me give you non-francophiles some free help.  Bob 
and Jeanette are long on puns.  The main pun in this episode occurs 
whenever the baby says, "Oooh."  Each time this happens Bob 
immediately replies (often in French), "No, it's not August; it's 
December."  Ya see -- The French word for August sounds remotely like 
"Oooh," and since Jeanette is a student of French.... 

* "Here Cums Santa Claus" by SueNH.
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/BitBard/www/forray/sue/santa.html

This story centers around the visit of the lovely and vivacious Sue 
(who looks and acts a lot like me, although she apparently has 
smaller breasts and nipples that respond slightly more slowly than 
mine do to gentle caresses) to the mall's Victoria's Secret shop at 
the end of a long day of Christmas shopping.  Two libidinous female 
employees invite her to join the after hours festivities, at which 
she will become the Christmas present for the mall's Santa. 

I guess I shouldn't spoil the suspense -- but the supposed impostor 
is the real Santa himself.  (This is where Sue departs a little from 
reality.  Her Santa is not circumcised.  He was the last time I made 
love to him.)  Sue has a lot of fun with the story, replacing the 
typical descriptions of sexual activity with terms and metaphors 
related to the Christmas season.  I checked with my word processor's 
"find" function, and the word "musky" doesn't appear even once; and 
the only time "rod" occurs is in the middle of "strode," "produced," 
and "prodigious" -- the latter not in its usual context in a sex 
story!  Instead, the aroma emanating from his cock is "the delicate 
fragrance of apple blossoms and almonds, with maybe a hint of balsam 
fir."  Santa's rotund cock is deliciously sweet and fruity.  And 
Santa's sweet candy cane drives deeply into Sue's fiery open hearth.  
The only image I found to limp a little was Santa's offer to let Sue 
ride his North Pole. 

Of course, like any depraved a.s.s. writer, Sue skirts the moral 
issue: what about poor Mrs. Claus, waiting chastely at home at the 
North Pole with all those tiny but horny little elves?  Nevertheless, 
this story managed to get the vision of Santa's "sugar plum" dancing 
in my head.  This story definitely put me into the spirit of things.  
You'll have to read the story to find out what Santa said as he rose 
out of sight. 

Ratings for "Here Cums Santa Claus"
Athena (technical quality):10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "The Night Before Christmas" by M1KE HUNT (MrMike@aol.com).
http://baird.pair.com/mrm1ke/christmas.htm

"Fucking Mike Hunt!"  That's the title of a story by this author, you 
know. A good story.  One that I rated it 10-10-10.  Mike Hunt usually 
writes stories with himself as the legendary hero who copulates with 
June or the twins or a rapacious slut in an elevator.  This one 
doesn't even sound like Mike Hunt.  I suspect it's a leftover from 
the estate of O. Henry. 

"Fucking Mike Hunt!"  See, the problem is that I already KNEW who was 
going to win my Celestial Christmas Story contest.  And then this 
story arrives, and now I have to stop and think and reread the 
stories and diddle myself and lose sleep over this decision and 
eventually decide who wins my prize. 

With my luck, I'll get even more good entries!

I can't tell you much about this story, except that it's about a 
young man and a young woman, neither of whom is especially religious, 
who have been celebrating the Christmas/Hanukkah season together in a 
special way since they were newlyweds.  Since I have already told you 
that this story is in the style of O. Henry, you can surmise that 
there is a surprise ending; but you'll get no more clues from me. 

* "Oh, Christmas Tree" by Dulcinea (Dulcinea97@aol.com).
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/BitBard/www/forray/dulcinea/christmas.html

Every year I try to make love just one special time under the 
Christmas tree.  So do the people in this story. It's a very nice 
custom and a very nice story.  As the song goes, 

      I saw Momma fucking Santa Clause
      Underneath the Christmas tree last night....

* "Santa's Cumming" by Kansica (Kansica@aol.com).
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Collections/Old_Joe
's_Collection/Romance/Santa's%20Cumming%201%20by%
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Collections/Old_Joe
's_Collection/Romance/Santa's%20Cumming%202.txt
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Collections/Old_Joe
's_Collection/Romance/Santa's%20Cumming%203.txt
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Collections/Old_Joe
's_Collection/Romance/Santa's%20Cumming%204.txt

On a whim, the beautiful blonde lady decides to have her picture 
taken with the mall's Santa Claus.  When he asks her what she wants 
for Christmas, she replies, "Well, mom thinks I need a man. Could you 
bring me a gorgeous specimen of a man?" 

{At a recent Christmas party, the Santa Claus asked my husband what 
he wanted.  He replied, "Can I have a copy of your list of naughty 
girls?" When Santa demurred, my husband said, "OK.  I'll settle for 
your list of NICE girls."  I think I'll keep him!} 

When Santa asks her if she's been a good girl, she replies that she 
has been quite slutty, and she feels his ears with dirty but 
delicious details.  Of course, she is sitting on his lap during this 
part of the narrative. Anyway, Santa assures her that it's sometimes 
nice to be naughty and asks her to meet him after work.  It seems 
that Mrs. Claus no longer has much interest in sexual activity other 
than missionary style once a month.  Santa needs relief from his 
hectic life, and he'd like Jennifer to help out.  Mrs. Claus has no 
objections, but she has insisted that Santa never have missionary-
style sex with another woman.  {No wonder Santa laughs so much!} 
Santa is free to engage in sexual intercourse in any other position, 
with the further stipulation that he videotape each encounter to 
protect himself from being sued or arrested for rape.  Got your 
attention yet?  Check this story out for yourself! 

Oh!  I forgot to tell you -- Santa is looking for the right woman to 
give to his helpers as a reward for their good work throughout the 
holidays.  They so seldom have time to indulge in the pleasures of 
the flesh.... 

This is a VERY creative and stimulating story!

* "Snow Flake" by DG (dionysian1@hotmail.com).
http://baird.pair.com/dg/snow.htm

I planned to just glance at this story late at night and then read it 
in the morning.  However, once I started, I couldn't put it aside.  
My husband could wait.  Heck, if he fell asleep waiting for me, I'd 
feel guilty and make it up to him with one of my famous blowjobs.  By 
the way, that's the Second Blowjob Principle: If you screw up, give 
the person for whom you screwed up a good blowjob, and he probably 
won't care.  This principle may fail for someone else, but it has 
never failed me with regard to my husband. Sometimes he even tricks 
me into screwing up so that I'll have to resort to the SBP. 

Back to the story.  A man has to finish his thesis quickly, so that 
he can get his Ph.D. and a job.  He plans to shack up alone during 
Christmas vacation at his parents' isolated cabin in the Adirondacks.
On his way to the cabin and in the midst of a huge snowstorm, he 
comes upon <g> an overturned car, which contains the nearly frozen 
body of the beautiful woman who (we may suppose) will become 
extremely grateful to him for saving her life and who will serve as a 
major distraction with regard to that thesis. 

The woman turns out to be a psychic.  We know this because (a) she 
says so and (b) she has an aureole instead of an areola around each 
nipple. Psychics are like that.  Even the Lone Ranger's faithful 
psychic Tonto. Actually, this paragraph is largely a sarcastic 
spelling lesson. 

Since Alan is a scientist, he doesn't really believe Dee is a 
psychic; but because she is very grateful and appears to be 
interested in applying one of the Blowjob Principles as a means of 
expressing her gratitude, he decides to play along.  As the author 
puts it, ".... something about Dee made it seem natural and right."  
I won't tell you any more of the plot, except to say that the sex is 
very hot and well integrated into the story line.  The story is sort 
of a hedonistic, druid version of an episode from "Touched by an 
Angel." 

Here's an example of an ambiguous expression: "After laying the cold, 
limp body on the couch...."  It would have been better to say "After 
laying the cold, limp body DOWN on the couch...." or "placing the 
body, etc." Especially with a dead body, the present phraseology 
sounds like necrophilia.  Actually, the grammar is NOT a serious 
problem in this story. This is an exceptionally well-written story, 
and I enjoy finding minor problems with nearly perfect expression.  
That's why I'm an English teacher. As my husband once said, "If 
you're going to be a bitchy perfectionist about one of the two things 
you're exceptionally good at, I'm glad you chose to be an English 
teacher." 

* "Snowed In" by Dulcinea (ImDulcinea@aol.com).
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/BitBard/www/forray/dulcinea/snow1.html

"The sun that brief December day/ Rose cheerless over hills of 
gray...." Had John Greenleaf Whittier simply co-authored his poem 
with Dulcinea, it would certainly be a lot easier to get teenagers to 
read "Snow-Bound."  I don't see the problem: fuck rhymes with duck, 
cunt with hunt, and precum with become.  Whittier goes on for 759 
lines; the folks that populate his poem spend over a week cooped up 
in a house, and the raunchiest thing they do is read a novel that 
they have to "hide from younger eyes." 

Like many of Dulcinea's stories, this one celebrates the simple joys 
of two people sharing their love and their bodies.  In real life, you 
have perhaps noticed that teachers often marry other teachers.  
That's because they can share their snow days together.  Would I kid 
you about a thing like that? 

Q.  What's the definition of a "coolie"?
A.  A quickie in the snow.

* "Solstice Present" by Michael Snider (msnider@mindspring.com).

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Collections/Old_Joe%27s_Collection/Bondage/needwork/Solstice%20Present.txt

This story is interesting for what doesn't happen as well as for what 
does occur.  First, the woman's bathrobe falls open in front of the 
bellboy, but she doesn't fuck him -- she just adds him to her fantasy 
repertoire.  The very next paragraph refers to a hand job, but the 
term refers to the fact that the package the bellboy brought is hand-
wrapped. 

Now, on to what DOES happen.  The woman is alone with Jose Cuervo at 
a resort at which her husband will join her in two days.  {Jose 
Cuervo is a brand name of tequila.  I know this because the name 
comes up often in country western songs that often supply background 
music for my private orgies with my husband.  Hence, the phrase, "No 
way, Jose!"}  The package contains a solstice present from her 
husband -- some basic bdsm material and an introductory note from 
Marka, who will orchestrate her fantasy fulfillment.  Well, you can 
take it from there.  Let me just say that things work out pretty well 
or everyone. 

* "Stocking Filler" by Bronwen (bronwen@anon.nymserver.com).
http://www.hootisland.com/bronwen/xmas.htm

The husband has promised to get the best Santa costume ever.  The 
wife has skipped midnight mass and has sexed herself up to give Santa 
the ride of his life.  The rest of the plot is easy to guess: the 
wife will fuck the brains out of the wrong person.  Right?  'Tis a 
simple plot, but Bronwen will make it interesting.  Right? 

Well, close -- but way off!  This is an extremely imaginative, highly 
sexy, magical, just plain erotic story of Christmas sex.  I'm not 
even going to try to summarize it any further.  If you're interested 
in Christmas or sex or pagan gods or anything in between or all of 
the above, you'll love this story! 

* "Sue Saves Christmas" by Paul LeComte (FA27482@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU).

Two heterosexuals and one lesbian (all geologists) are stranded on 
Christmas Eve in a Bolivian desert, bemoaning their lack of holiday 
cheer -- when what to their wondering eyes should appear?  It's Sue -
- filling in for Santa Claus.  When Sue asks them what they want for 
Christmas, they all give the same answer; and so they have to share 
Sue, who doesn't seem to mind it at all.  This is a delightful story!
Read it with someone you love! 

Ratings for "Sue Saves Christmas"
Athena (technical quality):10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Wrapped Attention" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net).
http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/Uther_Pendragon/www/story/wrapped.txt

Some people read a story once and then skip it forever after, because 
they have "already read it."  Same with movies, video games, and 
women they've humped, I suppose.  Been there, done that, got the tee-
shirt.  Occasionally, however, it may be good to revisit the past.  
This may be especially true if the former sex partner has grown into 
a more mature lover -- I'm speaking hypothetically, of course -- or 
if the author has revised the story. 

This is a story about the first sexual experience of a young college
student, which occurs during Christmas vacation with a man nearly
twice her
age. Originally the author attempted to describe the activities as
comprising a tender scenario, but I felt he slowed things down so far
that
the events became boring.  This author usually writes vibrant, upbeat
stories; but this one did not yet have those characteristics.  My
assumption
was that he would return to the drawing board and inject into this
story the
energetic life that it deserved. If I was going to read a story like
this, I
wanted it to be interesting and lively as well as tender and
meaningful. And
behold, during this Christmas season of A.D. 1997, a star appeared in
the
sky and my prophecy was fulfilled.

So the tender lover deflowers his uptight, young sweetheart so
carefully and
considerately that even the pope's mistress would become orgasmic.
This
story is still not as good as those in the Bob and Jeanette Brennan
series;
but few stories are.  I might add that anybody who successfully writes
a
story about an actuary as a sex object deserves a special award!  I
enjoyed
this story very much and strongly recommend it as part of your
Christmas
reading.

By the way, the title contains a pun; but I'll bet you can figure that
out
yourself!

======================
CELESTIAL WORD STUDY:
======================

EXALTATION/EXULTATION

I was not clearly aware of this distinction until I erroneously 
thought one of the authors misused one of these words in a story this 
week. 

EXALTATION is a glorification -- we EXALT somebody by acclaiming them 
with praise and glory. EXULTATION is a form of rejoicing -- we EXULT 
by sharing the joy of an occasion. 

<end>

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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