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From: Aquillae <Aquillae@excite.com>
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Subject: {ASSM} Dah-PMS (short, humor, no sex)
Date: Thu, 12 Oct 2000 09:10:01 -0400
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copyright (c) Aquillae 2000
Aquillae@excite.com



Diminished Proximity Mathematics Syndrome 

Smoking kills.  This is not earth shattering news to anyone who has picked
up a magazine, turned on the television, or read a newspaper in the last
thirty years.  Since the medical enlightenment of the late nineteen sixties
and early seventies, society has become aware, if rather reluctantly, to the
many harmful physical side affects of smoking.  However, new research is now
underway to determine the most devastating and as yet unanswered side effect
to smoking - Diminished Proximity Mathematics Syndrome. 

First discovered and documented by the noted philanderer, Doctor Adolph Von
Fubar, in 1985, Dah-PMS, as it has become known in slightly less reputable
research laboratories, is a condition which effects the individual's ability
to judge the distances between two relative objects while smoking.

In 1998, Doctor Von Fubar was awarded a grant, funded jointly by the
Nanticoke Journal of Medicine and Rico's Chew 
N' Spit Cafe, to study and document the existence of Dah-PMS. 
Unfortunately, the total amount of the grant available from the Henna fund
was only thirty-six dollars and twelve cents.  Minus, of course, the usual
up front expense demanded by Von Fubar's young assistant, Ms. Tammy
Feleciano. 

Undeterred by the short comings of his grant, Doctor Von Fubar devised a
unique and rather inexpensive means for studying Dah-PMS in the field.  With
the assistance of LCCC, 
the local community college, Doctor Von Fubar set up at each 
building on the main campus signs which stated that smoking 
was prohibited within 30 feet of the doors.  

The preliminary results of Doctor Von Fubar's study are quiet disturbing. 
For although clearly placed and in large 
easy to read print, the students and faculty of LCCC who smoke seem unable
to comprehend the spacial relationship between themselves and the doors to
the buildings.  In fact, 
as stated in an article to be published latter this month in the Nanticoke
Journal, Doctor Von Fubar states, "In 
relationship between smoker and door there appears to be a 
correlation which cannot be explained simply by the need to 
socialize at doors.  Neither can one refute the statistical 
data which shows that although appearing to suffer from the 
effects of Dah-PMS, students and teachers were unaffected 
while in their classrooms and away from any doors or smoke."

At present Doctor Von Fubar is struggling to convince the American Medical
Association and the American Cancer Society that more funding is needed to
understand and develop a cure for this tragic and still mysterious new side
effect of smoking.  It is his belief that proper funding and intensive field
research are needed at larger more diverse Universities, such as the
University of Maryland at Ocean City or the University of the Grand Bahamas.








Aquillae
"A satisfied virgin is a virgin no more."
Mr. Lucus 'Are You Being Served'

-- 
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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