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Subject: {ASSM} {REVIEW} Celestial Reviews 369 Sept 30
Date: Wed, 4 Oct 2000 10:10:03 -0400
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Celestial Reviews 369 - Sept 30, 2000
Note {The Blowjob Principle}: Occasionally good writers stop writing stories
for this newsgroup. If you rarely or never respond to authors, then THIS IS
YOUR FAULT!
What in the world do you think keeps an author going? You can call it ego or
whatever you want to call it. I call it the Blowjob Principle.
The Blowjob Principle states that if a person expects to get a second blow
job, the recipient should make the giver glad to have performed the first
blowjob. Applied to these stories, the Blowjob Principle means that if you
like a story, you should take the trouble to say so.
Some writers on this newsgroup are incoherent and don't intend to improve.
If they give up and go away, that's fine with me. But there are good writers
who have already abandoned this newsgroup and others who will do so, because
there's nothing in it for them.
I'm not suggesting that you kiss up to the authors. But if you enjoy a story
that you obtained for free, why not take two minutes to give the author some
feedback? I don't think most authors want idle flattery; but they write
stories with the hope that they are getting a reaction -- for example,
they may want to make people happy. They'll never know they have succeeded unless
somebody tells them so.
HALLOWEEN NOTE: I have in past years posted a "Special Halloween Issue." I
plan to do this again this year, and I notice that there is a Halloween
Activity on a.s.s.d. In the past, some of the worst stories I have ever read
have been illiterate, juvenile nonsense masquerading as Halloween sex
stories. I am pretty sure I have both wasted my own time and annoyed the
authors by reviewing these stories indiscriminately. On the other hand,
there have been some great Halloween stories, and I think my reviews have drawn
attention to them.
Therefore, if anyone wants me to review their new or old Halloween story,
please let me know. I'll still repost last year's reviews {which appeared in
CR 344}, but I'll also make an attempt to review any new stories called to
my attention. I'll post my reviews in the October 28 issue of CR. Either you
can post your stories before October 28, and I'll review them as they appear; or
you can send me an advance copy, and then you can post them when the review
is published.
THIS WEEK'S JOKE:
Two 75-year-olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman,
"Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"
And they did!!
Lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, had I known she
was a virgin, I would have been gentler with her!"
The woman is thinking to herself, "My God, had I known he could actually get
it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!
=====================
Celestial Reviews Index:
=====================
"Summer Rain" by Souvie (pregnant romance) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?672198787
"Subliminal Messages" by Chew Toy (hypnosis and sex) 10, 9. 9
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?673829319
"Devil Woman" by Belle Chandra (succubus sex) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?667736835
"Dead Wallaby Incident" by DrSpin (sex Down Under) 10, 10, 10
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?671976814
"Ace of Clubs" by Waldo ataboy (BDSM) 6, 5, 4
"Jean Brown " by E.Z. Riter (threesome or moresome) 10, 9.5, 9.5
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?672129985
"Are My Roommate and I Lesbians?" by Perthman (first time ff sex) 9, 5, 5
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?657456974
"Pit Pass " by Lyndon Brown (race cars & sex) 9, 6, 5
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?672696089
"Thirty-one flavors" by Terri Madison (ice cream orgy) 9, 6, 6
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?547624556
"Play Time" by Wiseguy (cautionary tale) 10, 9, 8
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?672521247
=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================
"Sunday Morning" by Joseph Lawrence (incest). BillyG: 9, 8, 8
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?
=====================
Here are the Reviews:
=====================
"Summer Rain" by Souvie (souvie@netdot.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?672198787
I know I've resolved to cut back on unsolicited reviews; but one day when I
checked ASSM there was only one story, and this was it. It's only "flaw" is
that it's not really a sex story; but it's very sexy. It's about a pregnant
woman who wants to make it rain. If that doesn't already have you hooked,
just take a look at the story anyway. I found it to be delightful.
Ratings for "Summer Rain"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Subliminal Messages" by Chew Toy (wellgnawed@hotmail.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?673829319
This story doesn't go for the big-time plot. It's just a simple story about
a man and a woman who are both psychiatrists and who both know how to
hypnotize the other. The engage in some interesting posthypnotic escapades. It really
would be difficult to tell you more without ruining the plot for you. If you
enjoy friendly mind control stories, take a look at this one.
Ratings for "Subliminal Messages"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Devil Woman" by Belle Chandra (mystery-woman@e247.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?667736835
Nelson is one of those ubiquitous guys with a happy home life who just needs
a little more spice in his sex life. So he searches the Internet and finds
cybersex. Even better, he finds Kali, who has the power to come to him in
his dreams. Well, they seem to be dreams; but they're too real to be dreams. He
has some of the best sex of his life, but all good things must come to an
end.
If you don't mind the occasional succubus in your sex stories, I think
you'll really like this one. The sex is extremely vivid, and things work out just
about the way the nuns said they would if you used your body for a purpose
other than procreation.
Ratings for "Devil Woman"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Dead Wallaby Incident" by DrSpin (drspin@newsguy.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?671976814
The story takes place in Australia, a place about which I know a great deal,
now that the Olympics have taken place in Sydney. The narrator has been
driving along a most rural rode, when he finds his passage blocked by a
couple who have accidentally killed a local wallaby. The woman is both
beautiful and greatly distressed, because she thinks the wallaby might have
a joey in the pouch. Joeys can live for three days in the mother's pouch. If
you don't believe me, you can look it up in National Geographic or ask the
Crocodile Hunter.
So where's the sex in this story, you say? Beats me, but this has to be one
of the most original set-ups ever.
If this story is like the only Australian story I can remember, here's what
will happen. The woman will ask the man who stopped what he does for a
living. He'll reply that he's a kangaroo castrator. "Wow!" the woman will
say, "How do you castrate a kangaroo." "It's easy," the man will reply. "You
set the kangaroo up on a lift much like the one in a mechanic's garage, and
then you go down into the pit with a large brick in each hand. The 'roo's
balls will be hanging down. So you just take the bricks and smack them
together. The bricks will disintegrate, but the 'roo's balls will be gone."
"Ouch!" the woman will grimace. "Doesn't that hurt?" The man will reply,
"Only if you let your fingers get in the way."
Fortunately, this story is better than mine. In it, the lady, whose name is
Misty, realises she is not going to get anywhere but older and sadder as a
singer/whore at Mark's nightclub, and so she decides to get some goat's milk
for the joey and to move on with her life, much as Garth Brooks would
recommend, I suppose. And so, in a scene quintessentially reminiscent of
something I recall from Crocodile Dundee, our hero demonstrates to Mark that
his weapon is bigger than his. I'll leave the pronoun attribution up to you;
I hate to have to spell things out too specifically in a sex story review.
Alas, we have come again to that point where I shall decline to tell you any
more about the plot. If you've read this author's work before, you know he
writes well; and with all its unusual twists and turns, I think this is one
of his better stories.
Ratings for "Dead Wallaby Incident"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Ace of Clubs" by Waldo ataboy (ataboy@ameritech.net)
After Walter McGuire (not his real name) tries to court Rebecca Wharton (not
her real name) from afar (not the real distance), she eventually lets him
meet with her in the BDSM room of the swank Ace of Clubs club (not its real
name). To make a long story short, Rebecca and her able assistant mistreat a
miscreant asshole and then our narrator, who is a lawyer and who thereupon
becomes infatuated with the mistress. To make the shortened story a little
longer, the narrator reveals that he has fallen in with STEWS (Society to
Establish Women's Superiority ) (almost certainly not its real name).
Rebecca promises to let him beat her; but she lies and beats him instead. Whereupon
he gets so turned on that.... I really shouldn't give the ending away. Let's
just say that after much yelping and licking, he establishes rapport with
Mistress R, joins the male auxiliary of STEWS, and advances within the law
firm.
At the very end of the story, Rebecca invites our narrator to a dinner, and
the diners cook him over an open fire and eat him while he has the best
orgasm of his life, while they talk him out of his 401K. No - that would be
silly, wouldn't it?
The grammar deteriorates as the story progresses. For example, what does
this mean: "I'm all ears and will have your complete attention." Sounds to me
like she has it bass ackwards. However, the author does spell "just deserts"
correctly, which is something that most heterosexual males cannot do, except
by accident.
Ratings for "Ace of Clubs"
Athena (plot & character): 6
Venus (technical quality): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
"Jean Brown " by E.Z. Riter (ezriter@pdq.net).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?672129985
While Jean is sunbathing, two virile twins who have been dating her two
daughters stop by to ask her advice regarding a matter of importance.
Actually, they have stopped by to seduce her and bring her to sexual
ecstasy.
"The sweltering heat of the day was not equal to the heat she generated as
she whimpered and moaned through orgasm after orgasm under the long and
relentless pounding until the walls of her pussy were scalded by cum."
Imagine that.
'Tis an interesting fantasy.
Ratings for "Jean Brown "
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5
"Are My Roommate and I Lesbians?" by Perthman (perthman@my-deja.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?657456974
The two girls are roommates in college. One night the ceiling leaks, and so
they have to share a single bed. Now, here's where I said to myself, "If the
whole plot of this story is that these two hump each other because the roof
leaked, I'm going to have to consider a low rating for lack of creativity."
Well, you're not going to believe this, but the two girls reciprocally feel
each other up. Years ago, I asked my dad what "reciprocate" means. He said,
"You pat my back, and I'll pat yours." He was close.
There's a lot of jiggling, fondling of clitorises, stroking, thrusting,
nudity, and even full genital contact. When she wakes up in Dana's arms the
next morning, our narrator at first is disgusted by the thought that she
might be a lesbian, but then she masturbates in the shower to the image of a
mini-gangbang and is relieved to know that she can still get herself off
normally. But alas, when she continues to masturbate, she realizes that she
is coordinating her orgasm to arrive with Dana's, who happens to be playing
her furry fiddle in the next stall. {You guys should know that we girls
often have separate stalls in our showers - even in college dorms. Na, na, na, na,
na, na!} Naturally, our narratordoesn't know what to do next.
What she does next is this: she goes to a sociology class and fantasizes
about sex with various people in the room. I think this is why she thinks
she might be a lesbian, since heterosexuals of either gender usually reserve
this fantasy for philosophy classes.
There's a lot more to the story - sexual ambivalence seems to be an
important theme. The girls get turned on reading pamphlets together. Like one of the
girls says, "I'm no lesbian, but I've always found nude women pretty sexy."
My husband is no lesbian either, and he says the same thing. I'm going to
have to get that pamphlet for him.
The main problem with this story is that the plot was jerky - in the
negative sense. It was like a disorganized essay on sexual open-mindedness with some
stereotypical sex thrown in to liven things up.
Ratings for "Are My Roommate and I Lesbians?"
Athena (plot & character): 9
Venus (technical quality): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
"Pit Pass " by Lyndon Brown (indysheets@hotmail.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?672696089
The narrator gets badly injured while driving his race car. This upsets his
wife, but she still manages to negotiate some good treatment for him from
his boss. Eventually our hero discovers that there have been some sexual favors
involved in the give and take of these benefits.
A problem with this story is that it reads more like a summary than a short
story. That is, events just happen with no tension and without sufficient
build-up. The naive narrator is surprised to find his wife in bed not only
with his boss but also with his wife and their son; and the son is screwing
his mother, not the wife. And yet the wife is ostensibly in charge of the
activity. Exactly how this pecking order got established goes unexplained,
and that's a serious gap in the story line.
But if you like race cars and sex and are willing to forgive a few gaps in
the plot and character development, this may be your cup of beer.
Ratings for "Pit Pass"
Athena (plot & character): 9
Venus (technical quality): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
"Thirty-one flavors" by Terri Madison (terri_madison@hotmail.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?547624556
This is a new author, to whom my first advice is this: Try not to have your
narrator publicize her own breast size and the delectability of her ass
within the first five paragraphs of the story. Big bazookas and nice
asscheeks are among the greatest gifts of God to the human race and of
authors to this newsgroup, but they need to be introduced in a more subtle
manner.
Anyway, it's a hot day in the ice cream emporium, and the proprietor takes
her aforementioned tits and ass into the cooler for some rest and
recreation.
If this were my story, I would have a horny teenager lick her ass and have
his tongue get stuck thereto; then the firemen would cum to rescue them.
Instead, she lathers herself with vanilla ice cream and fucks herself with a
popsicle. Well, that would have been my second choice.
The plot of this story is akin to that of an X-rated movie. In other words,
it's a mindless stroke story. But a mindless stroke story with very good
grammar. Imagine that. I think this author has potential. Indeed, if you're
not worried about plot or character development or realism, this may already
be your cup of ice cream.
Ratings for "Thirty-one flavors"
Athena (plot & character): 9
Venus (technical quality): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6
"Play Time" by Wiseguy (wiseguy35@hotmail.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?672521247
Although it starts out as a description of a romantic interlude, this is
actually a humorous cautionary tale.
When horny but happy hypnotists use their children's toys to engage in
playful but prurient performances to express their lewd and lascivious love
for their ladies, they really should be careful where they leave the toys
when they're not in use. Either that or at least set up the post-hypnotic
suggestions to minimize incestuous accidents.
Ratings for "Play Time"
Athena (plot & character): 10
Venus (technical quality): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================
"Sunday Morning" by Joseph Lawrence. Guest Review by BillyG
(hayden@mindless.com).
http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?
The three players in "Sunday Morning" remain unnamed. We know them only as
"the mother" -- a forty-something teacher, "the daughter" -- a 16-year-old
girl, seemingly disconnected from her mother's interests, and the
protagonist -- a 21-year-old awkward virgin, a friend of the mother who is staying over
as a house guest.
Were this not a story in a.s.s., we'd quickly have a clue, for the young man
begins his tale masturbating into a condom, alone, early on a Sunday
morning.
The author takes some effort to establish that theirs is not an erotic, much
less a sexual relationship, and then immediately and without explanation,
has the daughter enter the boy's room clearly to seduce him. It sufficiently
strains credulity that any erotic tension is never allowed birth.
I've always found that younger girls seducing older guys, while perhaps a
male fantasy, usually stumbles simply because it's difficult to relate in a
believable manner. This is no exception.
Lawrence describes their sexual coupling with erotic skill. If you can
ignore their falling into bed together, the actual sex was very well done.
Sufficient foreshadowing predicted the mother's discovery of them and as
well, her sham anger. So it was completely without surprise when our boy
ends up in bed with the both of them. He oscillates between naivete and a very
skilled lover a bit too often for credibility.
This is a moderately long story and at some point I just surrendered to the
plot and let it flow around me, giving up my critical views. Lawrence
describes these sexual scenes with sufficient skill that it pulled me in and
I found myself liking the story, despite my earlier reservations.
Ratings for "Sunday Morning"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 8
=====================
CELESTIAL GRAMMAR:
=====================
Here are two words that I found to be misused in stories I read this week.
The words simply do not mean what lots of people think they mean:
LITERALLY
The word LITERALLY does not mean EMPHATICALLY. Nor does it mean
FIGURATIVELY; in fact it means the opposite of figuratively. It means ACCORDING TO THE
EXACT MEANING OF THE WORD(S). Therefore, don't use the word unless you want
people to accept as true exactly what you are saying.
My sister is LITERALLY a whore. {This means she really does receive monetary
compensation for engaging in sexual activities.}
She LITERALLY wore me out with her sexual antics. {This is plausible. This
means the speaker was truly exhausted after the activity.}
He LITERALLY fucked my brains out. {This is improbable, unless gray matter
appeared externally during the fuckation.}
She LITERALLY fucked him to death. {This is possible, but only if sexual
activity led to the gentleman's demise.}
Her breasts were LITERALLY the size of basketballs. {This can be empirically
verified by checking with Spaulding.}
She LITERALLY ate me out. {This might actually be a clever thing to say if
she bedecked his cock with chocolate syrup or other comestibles prior to
oral stimulation.}
That guy is LITERALLY one big motherfucker. {This is true only if he
actually does indulge with his mama. Otherwise, say "certainly."
"Fuck you!" she said.
"I hope you mean that LITERALLY," he replied.
HOPEFULLY
HOPEFULLY means WITH HOPE. It does not mean I HOPE or LET'S HOPE. The
following example is correct:
My husband HOPEFULLY suggested that now would be a good time to take ole
one-eye to the optometrist.
The following are INcorrect:
HOPEFULLY she'll be able to work both of us into her schedule tonight.
She'll HOPEFULLY let me punch her ticket after the dance tonight.
=====================
Celestial Word Study:
=====================
Here are some words that look or sound alike, but which need to be kept
distinct:
DESERT/DESSERT
The DESERT is the dry place where men get so lonely that they fuck their
camels and have mirages of lovely women.
A DESSERT is what you might lick out of your lover's navel.
The verb desert (pronounced the same as the noun DESSERT) refers to the
activity of leaving something or someone behind, as a wife might DESERT her
husband to become a sex slave of his friend with the much larger cock.
The easiest way to remember this distinction is that you always want TWO
helpings of DESSERT {hence the double s}, and the others just have one s.
Unknown to many people, the noun DESERT (pronounced the same as the noun
DESSERT) can also mean what a person deserves, as in, "She received her just
DESERTS."
ANY MORE/ANYMORE
ANY MORE is used after negative words to mean NO MORE. ANYMORE means NOW or
ANY LONGER.
I don't want ANY MORE blowjobs until after breakfast tomorrow morning.
I don't enjoy blowjobs ANYMORE.
BLOND/BLONDE
When BLONDE is used as a noun, females should get the extra e.
When BLOND is an adjective directly modifying a noun that is not a person,
the e is considered to be incorrect. Thus, a BLONDE has BLOND hair. If the
adjective is modifying a female person, then the e is correct. Thus, a
BLONDE psychiatrist or a BLONDE reviewer.
My unabridged dictionary does not comment on whether one can actually
identify a "TRUE BLONDE" by the color of her pussy hair.
<end>
--
Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights
reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated.
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