Warning - May make you laugh.

"She lay back in the stream and said eagerly, her lust boiling over. 'Take me. Quickly.'” - Alabama Heat

How can I write something like that? Best answer I can give is; I dunno. I re-read my stuff and sometimes I just gotta laugh at what I’ve thrown together to make a story.

Sometimes I can’t even read them. Yes, there are a few that I am down right embarrassed about. I’ve left them on my site even though I can’t bear opening them again e.g. ”Looking In 1 and 2”, “Come To Me, I Was Expecting You”. What in hell possessed me to write those ones?

Others make me so damned hot I wanna put my hands between my legs and …mmmmm… I’m talking about stories like “Lovin’ It”, “I Love Rock and Roll”, “The Act”. Good golly, I get so wet everytime I re-read them. I surely hope that they have caused some pecker-pulling or clittie-stroking as you read them.

A girl’s gotta laugh too! C’mon, I’m not a negative vibe projectin’, granola munchin’, cause fightin’ Uber femme (but there’s nothing wrong with that). I have a great sense of humor, ask my friends (or maybe you shouldn’t). ”Corporate Me”, “Desktop Support”, "Head Librarian” were written about the workplace and (I think) quite funny. I wanted to write a few stories where I could make you laugh when you busted a nut (A new term that I found hilarious). God help us if we can’t laugh.

Speaking of humor, I made a list of when characters bust a nut in my stories. Some will make you laugh your ass off, others will make you wonder if my head was screwed on right, still others will make you think, “Is she on glue?”

Writing erotica is a downright taxing endeavour, writing porn is a lot easier. I tried my hand at the "My heaving bosom yearned for his/her hot touch." genre. Didn't work out. I found that I could write harder stuff better as in: I screamed with delight as I met your thrusts, your hard cock filling me with every stroke. - The Act. The main challenge for me is to come up with an original story. From then on, its pretty much off to the races.

There is a never ending amount of ways to describe the same action or scene. I'd like to think that I've come up with a few originals. I've compiled a list to illustrate how I've described orgasms.

Women Cumming

...her core shuddered in orgasm... - AH
My pussy spasms and contracts as I feel MY WHOLE FUCKING BODY CUMMING!!! - LI
I was enjoying the friction of your penis on my clit too much and “BAM!” the rockets went off! - TA
My pussy was a shaking, quivering mess of come. - TA
I shot a stream of hot come on you and you smiled knowingly. (I was close to tears from coming) -TA
Waves of pleasure washed over me with each thrust you gave me. - TA
“Yes! More! More! More!” Was all I could muster as my orgasms took me away. - LITS
My orgasms were not stopping and I gasped and moaned in delight. - LITS
Just a little harder… and… YES, I came with a shudder and soaked my panties. - MM
My building orgasm culminated in a shattering scream as my pussy convulsed and gripped viselike at the zucchini. - AE
The sensations coming from my ass and my clit were more than I could handle and I exploded in a gut wrenching, wet explosion when I came. - AE
I squealed and felt a warm stream of cum pour from me coating her hand as her fingers plunged into my sopping wet vagina. - HL
Just a little harder… and… YES, I came with a shudder and soaked my panties. – MM
My building orgasm culminated in a shattering scream as my pussy convulsed and gripped viselike at the zucchini. – FA
The sensations coming from my ass and my clit were more than I could handle and I exploded in a gut wrenching, wet explosion when I came. – FA
I moved back and forth from licking her clit to sticking my tongue into her wet opening and she came violently. – DS
My pussy spasmed as I orgasmed and ejaculated making a puddle on the carpet below me. – DS
…spasmodic waves attacked my hot pussy and traveled to every part of me. – DS
My screams of ecstasy are drowned out by the band as I cum and cum. – RR
Wanda cums like a rocket as I work her two ends over. – AFS
My pussy grips your penis as if it were a vice as my whole body becomes racked by orgasms. –RTG
I scream in ecstasy as I have the biggest orgasm of the afternoon while you fuck my little anus and I rub my aching clit. – RTG
I let loose a scream as waves of orgasms wave over me. – DL
Pussy to pussy, we twisted and writhed against each other until we orgasmed in unison. – LITR
Her strokes against the top part of my pussy walls intensified and I came hard, I wailed loudly and a jet of hot fluid came from my body. – LITR
She moaned in ecstasy and cupped her breasts as she had another orgasm. – LITR
I moaned lightly and bucked against his face as the last orgasm shook me. – TS
I slid up and down his chest driving his cock in and out of my soaking pussy and had another orgasm. – TS
I howled as I came again and pussy juices rolled down the crack of my ass. – HWB


Men Cumming

Earl sensing urgency accelerated his strokes into Becky and with a soft groan came hard inside her. - AH
I'm rewarded with your orgasm and you cum in my mouth shooting hot semen down the back of my throat. - LI
Cum shoots from your cock and coats my anal walls, searing my anal cavity. - EBC
Your spasming cock released its juices as streams of come hit the back of my throat. - TA
He groaned and spilled his seed deep into my bowels. –LITS
She yelped and came as his semen flowed into her. – DS (Both M F)
Torrents of cum washed into my pussy as he sprayed me with his spasming shaft. – CM
I make long quick strokes with my mouth and you groan I feel you tense up and you cum hard in my mouth. – RR
You let out a little groan and you explode deep in me. - RR
Rocky had just rode me for half an hour and deposited a gallon of cum on my tits. – AFS
Skye opens her mouth and receives a load in her mouth. The second shot hits my tits. The third hits Skye over the bridge of her nose and on her cheek. – AFS
He cums like a fire hose all over my belly and tits. - AFS
You say with a groan that you are going to cum and you deposit a hot load of semen in my ass. – RTG
He must have squirted ten times in me because every time he lowered me on his swollen cock, I would feel another blast of semen shoot inside my pussy. - TS
You groan and cum inside my wet vagina. – DL
With a big sigh and groan, Antoine came in my mouth. I swallowed and swallowed his tangy cum as he came in torrents. - HWB

Of course there are more descriptions of women cumming. We simply cum more.

I have tried hard to replace some way overused words like:

Cock - I’ve tried manhood, pole, member, erection and the clinical penis. Even though I’ve thought of using terms like “The Throbbin’ Hammer of Love”, “The One-eyed Python”, “Mr. Happy” or “The Love Tube”, I’ve gotten over it. They just wouldn’t work.

Pussy - is another word that I've waaaaay overused. I won’t use the “C” word (rhymes with runt). So, I’m constrained to pussy, vagina etc. But who wants to be constrained? Try these one’s out: “Love Canal”(For those in Niagara Falls N.Y.), “The Slippery Tunnel of Love”, “Moist Cave of Desire” or “The Love Shack” (My apologies to the B-52’s).

And finally cum . Or 'Bustin a nut', there I used it again (I can’t stop but just love that term to death). How could I replace ‘cum’? I love the word ‘cum’ too much to replace it. Cumming is one of my favorite pastimes. I’ll make up the words “bloot” and “grank”.

How about if someone reading this sends me a term or two to use instead of 'cock', 'pussy' and 'cum' (shouldn't be hard to cum up with a few original terms, I'll post them here if I get any).

Okay, now I’m onto something. Replacement words. I’ll work ‘em into my stories. Try reading the following:

He must have Busted a Nut ten times in me because every time he thrust his swollen Throbbin’ Hammer of Love, I would feel another blast of grank shoot inside my Moist Cave of Desire.

or

I slid up and down his chest driving Mr. Happy in and out of my soaking Love Canal (For those in Niagara Falls N.Y.) and my Vaginal Fireworks Exploded as I blooted.

or

My Slippery Tunnel of Love grips your One-eyed Python as if it were a vice as my whole body becomes racked by a Northern Ontario Bush Fire, I was granking ecstatically.

I won’t replace the F-BOMB though. It’s the all purpose word. In the heat of the moment, how many of you chicks scream, Yes, Yess, Yesss! INTERCOURSE ME!! INTERCOURSE MY SLIPPERY TUNNEL OF LOVE!!! MAKE ME BLOOT LIKE I’VE NEVER GRANKED BEFORE!!!!” None comes to mind. Imagine this… an arguing couple about to go to bed:

[man] Intercourse you! I knew you intercoursed my best man on our wedding night after I got drunk and passed out!

[woman] Intercourse you with a chainsaw! He had a Love Tube you’d only dream of, so go intercourse yourself!

[man] Oh yeah, well, I intercoursed your sister then I intercoursed your Aunt Martha (may she rest in peace). Your sister’s Moist Cave of Desire’s damned tighter than your dried up ole Love Canal (For those in Niagara Falls N.Y.).

[woman] Uh huh, you are an intercoursing little intercourser!

[man] I still intercoursing love you though.

[woman] Oh intercourse, I love you and your intercoursing idiosyncrasies. Come here, let’s intercourse.

Doesn’t really work does it. That why I’ll never drop the “F” word. Wouldn't make sense.

Some of the stuff I've written is culled from personal experience. For example, I've granked while bein' filled with the Throbbin’ Hammer of Love and blooted when I've had my Love Shack eaten out.

There you have it. I may not write like Billy Shakespeare or even Susie Shakespeare, but I think it works. Once I get goin' on on the computer, I can't stop. The stories just flow, like yesterday's waste running through the sewers to the lake. So have a great time blooting to my stories while stroking Mr. Happy or running your fingers over your Moist Cave of Desire and remember, aim AWAY from the keyboard and monitor.

Readers comments

Wonderful. Illuminating and sensual, all at the same time. My erotica is no where near your quality, but I can see that the amount of research must be quite enjoyable. ;-) - Q

You're right, it made me laugh.

I like 'honeypot' for pussy, but it really only works when describing oral. One of my male characters nicknamed his girlfriend 'Sugarlips'. He wasn't talking about the lips on her face.

I just *can't* use Tunnel of Love. I'm too big of a Bruce Springsteen fan for that. I'd want to have my characters break into song, which would surely break the mood.

I *have* used Mr. Happy, but only in dialogue: Sophie turned to Warren and said, "So, has Mr. Happy woken back up yet?" Stuff like that. It certainly doesn't work when describing the action!

Are you saying that as a smut writer you never used "one night I must have been dreamed I was hanging wallpaper because I woke up with a hand full of wall paste"?

And another term for pussy is "sugar bugger" like in bug
later - Ron

What did you think? Your comments are always welcome.