MEMORY OF ALEX

BY OWENM
memoryofalex@hotmail.com

[ part 3 ]

I laid on my back on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Music was playing softly on the clock radio, but I wasn’t really listening to it. It had just turned on a few minutes ago, signaling me that it was finally five o’clock, but that didn’t get me up anyway. In the far corner, over by Alex’s bed, a spider was sitting in the middle of an intricate web, patiently waiting for a fly or mosquito to come by. Usually, I hated flies, and even though spiders were gross I was less inclined to molest them because they helped get rid of bugs I hated more. But today was different. I was on the side of the fly. I wanted to warn all of them of the web, that once caught there was no getting away from it, so they’d better be careful.

I left the spider alone anyway.

I was glad I set the music instead of the alarm. The music was nicer than that blaring beeping that we used to make sure I would get up on time in the morning. I used to never get up when the alarm would ring, especially when it was a school day. I would just keep on slapping it over and over again until finally dad would have to come in and make me get up. Now, things were different. Now it was important that I woke up in the morning, because if I didn’t…I shuddered. I didn’t want to even think about what would happen if I slept in.

Dad had gotten the job at the hospital working overnights six days a week. If you combined that with his regular job during the day it seemed like he was working every single hour of the day. He would come home in the morning for a couple of hours before going to his day job and wouldn’t come home until the next morning. On Thursdays, when he didn’t have to work at the hospital, all he did pretty much was sleep. I guess the good thing was that we were going to be able to get a car pretty soon.

Not having Dad around meant that we free to do pretty much whatever we wanted. I had thought having all that freedom would be good too, but it got pretty boring after only a couple of days. Well, at least it got boring for me. Alex always had something to keep him busy. I grinned thinly at my little joke. He was anything but busy these days. In fact, for the last couple of weeks since this new schedule had started for Dad, he pretty much hadn’t done anything at all.

That was because he was tied up virtually all the time.

Even if I didn’t understand it at all, I had begun to at least accept that Alex really, really liked being tied up. After that first time when I had tied him to the bed all night, it was all he could think about doing. Even though he complained about being all stiff and sore after that first night, we still went through the same ritual the next night, and the night after that, and the night after that. I wasn’t quite sure exactly when, but at some point the beginning part of tying him in a hogtie (he had taught me that word) so that he could try and get out just stopped and I would simply tie him to the bed for the night.

It wasn’t just at night, either. It was like he just couldn’t get enough of it. The moment that Dad walked out the door, he would be standing in the living room with the ropes in his hand, not a stitch of clothing covering his body. I was more used to seeing Alex naked than Alex with clothes these days, and if at one point I had been intrigued by seeing all his private areas in front, now it was just old news. Even my fascination with how he always seemed to have a boner for some incomprehensible reason whenever I was tying him up had died off. It was the same for him, too. He used to be kind of embarrassed for me to see his front, but now I think he didn’t care anymore.

He seemed to have all these different ideas of ways to be tied up that I never would have dreamed existed. Every day, it was something new. Yesterday, he spent the whole day tied up in a kitchen chair off in a corner of the living room, his arms wrapped around the high sides and then tied together in the back. To make sure that he couldn’t stand up, he had me tie a rope around the rungs on the bottom of the chair. Each foot was tied to one side and a rope wrapped around his stomach, just in case he tried to move a little. The day before that, he had me tie him bent over the kitchen table, his feet tied off on the bottom and his hands tied off to the legs on the other side, his butt sticking up in the air. I had thought that was funny.

I guess I had reached a kind of balance, like a see-saw with people on it that weighed exactly the same. The whole thing still made me feel really strange inside. I knew I was hurting him when I tied him up, not just because he complained afterward but because he would make all those funny whimpering noises all during it. He would usually act all scared too, just before I would put the gag in his mouth. If I stayed to watch and listen for too long, I would start to feel bad for him, so I usually left him alone pretty quickly and tried not to think about it. Hurting my big brother just felt wrong.

But at the same time, I could tell for absolute sure that Alex was really happy, and it was obvious that it was because I was tying him up. I guess that was a part of the reason why I was doing it, because he really seemed to love it. The strange part was that even though it hurt him, I knew that he wanted it to hurt, at least a little bit. I knew he liked it when I made it so tight that he couldn’t move an inch, when I shoved the gag in his mouth as hard as I could. But that wasn’t the only reason, even if it was the only reason that I would admit openly to myself. I didn’t think about the little tingly feeling in my stomach when I would tie him or when I would stand and stare at him without him knowing I was doing it. That little hint of electricity, of excitement, that curled around the edge of my brain. I quickly put it from my head.

The clock read twelve minutes past five. I was supposed to go and get Alex at five, but it wasn’t like he knew what time it was. I sighed, knowing that I couldn’t leave him in there forever. Besides, he had promised to make me bacon and eggs for dinner tonight, and I was getting pretty hungry. Slapping the alarm clock into silence, I rolled off the bed and went out into the living room.

I took a deep breath as my hand wrapped around the knob of the coat closet door, yanking it open. There were no coats in there, they were all piled up on the couch. Just Alex, naked as always, tied as he had carefully instructed me this morning. He was kneeling, facing the back, his arms stretched out straight above his head. He had drilled two holes up near the closet bar on each side and put eye bolts in that I could use to tie the ropes so his arms stayed apart from each other. He couldn’t stand up either because of the rope that was tied around his waist and to his bound feet, keeping him stuck in that uncomfortable kneeling position. By the look of him, all slumped over and moaning, it was really uncomfortable. That was not to mention that he was covered with sweat, and even in the stifling heat in the living room I could feel the blast of hot air when I opened the door.

He started moaning loudly the moment I opened the door. I quickly undid the knot of the gag and pulled it out of his mouth. “This really hurts,” he said hoarsely, coughing a couple of times.

“It’s supposed to,” I said flippantly. “You told me it would.” I started to untie the blindfold.

“I didn’t think it would hurt this much,” he said softly. “My arms are killing me, can you let them down first?”

I sighed, leaving his blindfold and picking at the knots that held his right hand. It was all red and cold, like his hands usually were when I was untying him. He stayed silent as I undid the rope, finally pulling it away from his wrist and letting go of his hand. His arm fell to his side. “Fuck!” he yelled, and then hissed loudly.

I became a little frightened that maybe I really shouldn’t have left him in there all day like that. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, it’ll be ok,” he said, grimacing. I undid the rope holding his other hand as fast I could, and he hissed again through clenched teeth as the other arm fell to his side. I had the ropes around his ankles and his waist off in no time and pulled the blindfold from his eyes. He blinked, as usual, and sat back on his butt, slowly straightening out his legs.

“Next time I want you to do that, remind me how much it hurts,” he groaned, scooting backward out of the closet and laying down on his back.

“I don’t think we should do that again,” I said, shuffling my feet.

“Not for that long,” he added, nodding his head. “Maybe for a shorter time.” I shrugged. “Man, I’ve gotta take a whiz something fierce.”

I giggled. “So go,” I said.

“I can’t move yet,” he said, bending his arms and hissing in pain. I sat down next to him and waited for a few moments while he just laid there like a lump.

“C’mon, I’m getting hungry and you promised to make bacon and eggs tonight.”

“Just give me a second, alright?” he said annoyed, stretching out his legs, saying “Ow” under his breath about ten times before he got them out straight. I sat down next to him, a little grin on my face.

“So you really can’t move,” I said, a little taunt in my voice.

He shook his head. “Everything hurts.”

I brushed my fingertips across his bare stomach. His eyes opened wide. “Does that hurt?”

“Don’t,” he warned.

“Or what?” I teased, running my other hand down the sole of his foot. He yanked his foot away and groaned from the effort. “I could tickle you all I want.”

“I’ll make you pay,” he growled.

“Yeah, when?” I tickled his stomach in earnest, and he started to thrash and giggle. “You’re tied up all the time, how are you gonna get me back?”

He pushed me hard in the chest, forcing me back onto my arms. The smile was gone from his face as he rolled over and stumbled to his feet. “Shit, I’m gonna piss all over the floor,” he said, his hand clutching at his dick. I stared at him before bursting into laughter, the sight of him staggering across the floor making my sides split. “Shut the fuck up!” he yelled as he forced the bathroom door open, not even bothering to close it behind him. The groan of relief he let out made me roll onto my back, laughing so hard that it didn’t even make a sound, that I couldn’t even breathe. He peed for what seemed like forever before he came back out, his face in a snarl.

“If I could run you’d be so dead right now,” he warned.

“Yeah, yeah,” I said, sticking my tongue out at him. He waved his hand and went into the kitchen, not even bothering to get his clothes.

“What kind of eggs do you want?” he yelled, standing on his tiptoes to get the mixing bowl from the top cupboard.

“Scrambled,” I shouted back. He didn’t acknowledge. I laid on the floor, staring up at the ceiling, wiping the sweat from my brow. I looked over at the closet that had been my brother’s prison for the day, the ropes dangling from the hooks, still swaying gently for some reason. It was so hot in here, how could he stand being in the closet all day like that? Curiously, I got up on my knees and made my way into the small space, just barely big enough for my feet to be inside with the door closed. I reached up for the bar, stretching my arms out the way that Alex’s had been.

Suddenly self-conscious, I looked over my shoulder. Alex was busy in the kitchen, out of sight. I picked up the gag that was on the floor of the closet, feeling how wet the knot was with his spit. What would it be like to have that in my mouth? Curious, I tentatively opened my mouth and put the knot halfway in. It was so big that I had to stretch my mouth open to push it in further. I tried, my tongue getting caught and being pushed to the back of my throat causing me to choke for a second until I spit the thing out into my hand. He had that thing tied in his mouth all day long?

I glanced back again. Alex was standing at the stove, busy with the food. My stomach filled with butterflies, I got to my feet. In less than a second, my shorts and underwear, the only clothes I was wearing, were on the floor. I kicked them out the door and then pulled it shut behind me. The closet was almost completely dark, only a little sliver of light showing beneath the door. I got back down on my knees, picking up the sock gag and putting the knot back halfway in my mouth, biting down on it. I wrapped my hands in each of the ropes, not really tying them, until they were stretched out straight. I crossed my feet, just like Alex’s had been tied.

And then I just stayed there. The closet became miserably hot almost immediately. I tried to imagine in my mind what it must have been like for Alex, tied up like this, not being able to see anything, not being able to talk or even move. My arms started to feel sore almost immediately.

The door behind me suddenly opened, and I whirled around, pulling my arms free from the ropes, spitting the gag out. Alex stared at me, a surprised look on his face.

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing,” I stammered. “I was just…” I trailed off, not knowing what to say.

He got a strange look on his face. “You know,” he said thoughtfully, “if you ever want me to tie you up, I would.”

I shook my head. “No way. I don’t ever want to be tied up like you.” He looked at me sideways, his eyes narrowing. “I mean, how could you stay in the closet like that all day? My knees and my arms were already starting to hurt and I was only in there for two minutes!”

“I don’t know,” he said quietly.

“Why do you want to do this?” I blurted out. “What, do you like getting hurt or something?”

He looked down at the floor. “I don’t know that either,” he mumbled, turning around and going back to the kitchen. I stared at him as he left and then pulled my underwear and shorts back on. The smell of cooking bacon filled my nose as I went into the room, slumping down in the chair. Alex poured himself a glass of milk and downed it in one breath, and then poured himself another. I looked at the half empty milk jug.

“Did you drink all that milk? It was full!”

“I’m really thirsty,” he explained, not turning away from the pans. “Could you get my clothes, I got spattered with some grease.” I went and got his shirt, shorts, and underwear from the floor of our room, bringing it back over to him. Without taking his eyes from the pans, he pulled them on. “Feels weird to wear clothes again,” he said, more to himself than to me.

“Why?”

“I dunno, I guess because I haven’t really worn anything for a whole day. I never got dressed this morning.” He was silent for a moment. “I think I like being naked better.”

“I don’t like going around naked like that.” I wrinkled my nose.

“I do,” he said, dropping his shorts and underwear back to the ground. He left his shirt on, I guessed so that if any grease splattered again he wouldn’t get burned. Dinner was done a few moments later, a monumental pile of eggs and bacon that he dumped onto a plate and put it on the table. “There’s no cheese,” he explained, handing me a fork. We didn’t bother with plates, we just both ate off the same one. I wasn’t really hungry, but Alex was stuffing it in as fast as he could.

“Is it good?” he asked between mouthfuls.

“Yeah,” I said. “You make good breakfast for dinner.”

He smiled. “Thanks.”

I chewed on a piece of bacon. “Remember how we used to have breakfast for dinner? Dad would always make pancakes too.”

“Yeah, I would have done that except there was no mix or syrup left.”

I giggled. “And do you remember the time that we went to make breakfast for mom and dad in bed? We were making eggs and bacon and pancakes except we used the wrong kind of pan for the bacon and then it got stuck and it lit on fire and Jeremy had to find the fire extinguisher…” I trailed off, my mouth open and filled with half chewed egg. Alex’s face turned white. “I didn’t mean….”

“You aren’t supposed to talk about him anymore,” Alex muttered.

“I’m sorry, I forgot!”

“You’re such a fucking stupid little kid.” His face grew red again. “Stupid!” he shouted across the table, shoving his chair back so hard that it fell over backward. He stood there clutching the table for a minute, his eyes drilling silently into my head, and then turned and stormed off to the bedroom. I put down my fork, the remnants of the dinner no longer holding any appeal. I was a stupid little kid. I had promised never to mention Jeremy to Alex again, and like a stupid kid I just went and blurted it out.

Not knowing what exactly to do, I got up from the table and went quietly over to the bedroom. Alex was lying face down on the bed. I wasn’t sure if he was crying or not.

“I’m sorry,” I said, meaning it as completely as I had ever meant those words before.

“It’s ok,” he said sullenly without another word. I shifted from foot to foot, trying to think of a way to make it up to him.

“Do you want me to tie you up again?” I offered, grasping at the only thing I could think of.

He was still for a moment, and then nodded gently. While I untied the ropes in the living room and brought them back to the bedroom, he had slipped off his shirt and was lying on his back, the blanket and pillows shoved off to the floor. I tied the ropes to the feet of the bed while he laid there in silence.

“Aren’t you gonna turn over?” I said, ready to start binding him. He shook his head, and I shrugged, tugging at his ankle and leaning into it to make it as tight as possible, tying it off. “This rope that you bought makes it a lot easier.”

“Tighter,” he said, breathless.

“I can’t make it any tighter,” I whined.

“Just make it as tight as you can.” I untied his foot and re-tied it, leaning into it as much as I could, hard enough that he grunted as I tied it down. I did the same with this other foot, spreading his legs wider than usual over the sides of the bed instead of to the end. He didn’t move, and I got up to grab his wrists and start tying those off as well.

“I want to be put in the closet again tomorrow,” he said softly. “All day.”

“But you said we wouldn’t do it for so long. You said it hurt a lot more than you thought it would.”

“I know what I said,” he said, sounding a little annoyed. “I don’t care, I want to be put in there and left there. I want to spend the whole day in there. The whole night too, until it’s time to let me out because Dad is coming home.”

“But what about…”

He read my mind. “No food. No water. No pee breaks. Just leave me there.” I stared at him, and his voice started cracking. “I wish you we had a better place where you could just lock me up and leave me there for days, or even weeks without letting me out. I wish…” He trailed off. I was paralyzed.

“You’re scaring me,” I said, my voice shaky too. “How come you want something like that?”

“I wish someone would just come along and kidnap me, and keep me tied up all the time. I would just be locked up and I would know that I was never going to get free, ever.” My hand started to shake. “C’mon, finish it up,” he said harshly.

“I…I don’t want to anymore.” My voice was cracking badly now. “I don’t want you to get kidnapped.”

“Jake,” he said, his voice softer.

I started to cry. “I already lost one big brother I don’t want to lose my other one too!”

“I didn’t mean…shit,” he said, propping himself up on the bed despite his tied feet. “I’m not going to go anywhere, ok?” I shook my head. “I promise, no one is gonna kidnap me. Look, I’m sorry I called you a stupid little kid, ok? I didn’t mean it. I mean…” He took a deep breath. “I mean that you’re the best little brother I could ever have. What little brother could tie someone up as well as you can?” His voice was a little more playful, and I smiled.

“C’mon,” he said, laying back down. “Just tie me up for tonight and we’ll figure out what to do tomorrow, ok?” I wiped my eyes and sat back down on the bed.

“Am I really the best little brother you could ever have?”

He looked at me, as serious as I had ever seen him be. “You’re…you’re so nice to be doing this for me. I mean, no one else would ever do something like this for me. I promise,” he said, his voice resolute. “I promise that one day I’m going to pay you back for all of this, that I’m going to show you…how much…” He wasn’t able to finish, but I understood. I blinked, and then took his wrist in my hand and pulled his arm out straight. Setting my teeth, I yanked him hard and held him down while I tied the rope. After I was done and looked at him, I saw that he was smiling. I finished his other hand, and then tied the blindfold around his eyes. Before I was about to put the gag in, he spoke.

“Hey,” he said softly. “See you in the morning.”

“Yeah,” I answered, pushing the sock into his mouth and tying it around his head. He laid his head back down when I was finished, and I looked at him, straining gently against the ropes like he always did when I first tied him up. He suddenly looked different to me, not the bigger, stronger brother I had always looked up to, but smaller, more frail, weaker. It scared me, as much as what he had told me scared me, and I didn’t care that it was just past 6:30. I stripped off my clothes, and as naked as he was, I climbed into his bed next to him. If he had to be naked, I was going to be naked too. He mumbled something incomprehensible into his gag, but I wrapped my arms around his chest, our bare flesh pressing together. I would never let him go.

*******************

Someone was shaking me awake, but my eyes just didn’t want to open. I was aware of music playing from somewhere, but I couldn’t quite place it. The person shook me again, and I finally opened my eyes.

“Hey, dad,” I said sleepily, rolling over onto my side, wondering what had happened to my blanket. I reached out, feeling something warm next to me and then yanking my hand back.

My eyes jerked wide open. Sunlight streamed in through the blinds. The music came from the clock radio, having gone off exactly when it was supposed to but with the music I had set on it yesterday instead of the blaring alarm that would ensure that I would wake up. I stared in horror at my brother, lying right next to me, still tied, still naked, myself as naked as he was. My stomach sank into my feet.

“Let your brother out and get dressed,” he said quietly. “I think we need to have a little talk.”