DADDY, I'M SORRY: HALLOWEEN

BY PHIL McCRACKEN

[ part 1 ]

The three girls stood before Judge E. Fudd and trembled as he was pouring forth his opinion of them and their actions. He said he was going to exam their school records and if they were lacking then they’d be going off to Juvenal detention till they were eighteen years old.

Kelly, Emily and Caroline stood by their fathers and couldn’t help but smile.

Oops. Maybe I should have started at the beginning.

October 1st Wednesday morning Phil received a call from his city councilman asking for his help with the Halloween bash for the school kids. This time the city decided that there would be a two-part party. One would be for the younger kids with a haunted house and costumes. The second party would be for the junior high and high schoolers. Of course to pull this off there would have to be a large donation to fund such an event. Phil promised to donate a handsome amount for the bash. The councilman reminded Phil that Halloween was on a Friday night and the city wanted as many kids in one place as possible, especially since trick or treating had been banned.

Phil called his younger brother who is well known in the Chicagoland area as a rock star and radio DJ. Phil convinced him to play at the high school bash. He got the girls involved in promotions and decorating the empty warehouse. The girls got their friends involved and soon most of the kids were doing something to insure a good time for all. That is except for Lisa Anderson who had been kicked out of junior high school three weeks before summer vacation.

Lisa and her friends wouldn’t be caught dead at the bash. It was the nerds and geeks night out as far as Lisa, Claire Barth and Mary Adams were concerned. She and her fellow conspirators decided that maybe they could do something to get even with Kelly, Caroline and Emily.

Halloween night and the warehouse was filling up long before the start time. Kelly proudly showed off her uncle Bernie who was busy signing autographs. Bernie McCracken was the keyboardist for the group ‘Deep Six’.

A side step from this part of the story if you please. Phil & Bernie’s parents insisted that they learn an instrument. Since Bernie always had an interest in music he chose the keyboard and Phil just followed. Bernie wanted to play all types of music while Phil preferred the crooner’s ballads. He’d play Johnny Mathis, Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, Tom Jones etc. While Kelly was a baby Phil often rocked her to sleep while singing, ‘The Twelfth of Never’ or ‘Strangers in the Night’.

When the girls were busy he’d play the keyboard and softly sing. Kelly and Emily whenever they’d catch him singing would kid him about the moldy oldies and would often mimic gagging. Caroline however would listen enraptured. Then again when the love of your life sings even if he sounds like Tiny Tim, to her he sounds like Pavarotti. A couple of weeks ago while the girls had a study group with four other girls; Phil was at the Clavinova and was singing. Caroline came and listened to hear him croon. He looked at her and started with Tom Jones’ ‘What’s New Pussycat?’ putting emphasis on the ‘Pussy’. He fortissimo on the finial “Your pussycat nose.” All the while looking Caroline in the eye and smiling. He went into Dean Martin’s ‘In the Misty Moonlight’ but went over the edge when he sang Johnny Mathis’s ‘Chances Are’. Caroline had been so turned on and got wet down, eh, down there, she didn’t realize she lost control of her bladder and peed on herself and the carpet.

Phil was singing to Caroline who had this dreamy look on her face when suddenly she looked surprised, looked down, screamed, put her hands to her face and ran out of the room.

Phil was confused, he couldn’t figure out what he could have said or sung that could cause her to respond like that. He smelled the scent of ammonia. He looked where Caroline was standing and saw the yellow stain on the Champaign colored carpet.

Kelly and the rest of the girls ran in and ask what happened?

“Caroline had an accident.” Phil solemnly said. “None of you will make fun of her now will you?”

Kelly and Emily turned to the other girls and said, “No we won’t. Will we?” The tone of voice and a look that could kill convinced the other girls not to rib Caroline.

“Thank you ladies. I owe you big time.” Phil said as he left the room.

He found Caroline in the bathroom cleaning herself.

“Little one.” He gently said.

She turned and looked at him. Her face was red and her eyes puffy.

“Little one, I’m honored.”

“Why?” she mumbled

“I didn’t know I had it in me to cause a girl (here he stopped and corrected himself) a woman to become so involved in a song that she losses control of herself. He spread his arms inviting her to come for a hug.

She came and they wrapped their arms around each other. Caroline had her face buried in his shirt.

“Diff yohmmf meanit.” Phil cupped her face and leaned back and asked, “What did you say?”

“Did you mean it? The songs. Did you mean them?”

Phil leaned over and kissed her forehead and then her nose and then tenderly on the lips. He then put his mouth to her ear and whispered “Yes little one I do.”

Now back to the Halloween Bash.

Bernie and the Deep Six were playing loud. To loud for Phil to take much longer. The Dubois’ also couldn’t take the volume. They told the girls Phil would pick them up at 1:00 when the bash would shut down.

Emily, Kelly and Caroline were the hits of the party. They danced with everyone. They’d go to the wallflowers and asked them if they wanted to dance. As the boys mumbled the girls would take their hand and drag them to the dance floor. The girls enjoyed it all, the dancing, the attention, the music, everything.

One point of the party they would remember was when the band took a break. Bernie took the mike and said,

“Guys! I just can’t believe the language you use. They way you talk to these lovely ladies is abominable. Let me recite an old poem for you,

Banish the use of the four letter words
Whose meanings are never obscure.
The Anglos and Saxons, those bawdy old birds,
Where vulgar, obscene and impure.
But cherish the use of the weak-kneed phase
That never quite says what you mean;
You’d better be known for your hypocrite ways
Than as vulgar, impure or obscene.

When nature is calling, plain speaking is out.
When ladies, God bless’ em, are milling about,
You may wee-wee, make water, or empty the glass;
You can powder your nose; even “Johnnie” may pass;
Shake the dew off the lily; see the man ‘bout the dog’,
Or when everyone’s soused, it’s “condensing the fog.”
But be pleased to remember if you would know bliss
That only in Shakespeare do characters- - - -.

When your dinners are hearty with onions and beans,
With garlic and cola and bacon and greens;
Your bowels get busy distilling a gas
That nature insists be permitted to pass.
You are polite, and try to exhale
Without noise or odor (you frequently fail);
Expecting a zephyr, you usually start,
For even a deafer would call it a - - - -.

You may speak of a “movement” or sit on a seat,
Have a passage, or stool-or simply excrete,
Or say to the others, “I’m going out back”
And groan in pure joy in that smelly old shack.
You can go “Lay a cable” or “do number two”
Or sit on the toidey and make a do-do,
But ladies and men who are socially fit
Under no provocation will go take a - - - -.

A woman has bosoms, a bust, or a breast,
Those lily white swellings that bulge ’neat
Her vest.
They are towers of ivory, sheaves of new wheat;
In a moment of passion, ripe apples to eat.
You may speak of her nipples as small rings of fire.
With hardly a question of raising her ire.
But by her grandfather’s beard will she throw fits
If you speak of them roundly as good honest - - - -.

It’s a quivering pigeon, caressing you hand,
Or the National Anthem that makes us all stand.
Or perhaps it’s a flower, a grotto, a well,
The hope of the world, or a velvety hell,
But friend heed this warning, beware the affront
Of aping a Saxon: don’t call it a - - - -.

Though a lady repel your advance, She’ll be kind
Just as long as you ’intimate” what’s on your mind.
You may tell her you’re hungry, you need to be swung,
You may ask her see how your etchings are hung,
You may mention the ashes that need to be hauled;
Put the lid on her sauce-pan (“lay” isn’t to bald);
But the moment you’re forthright, get ready to duck:
The girl isn’t born yet who’ll stand for “Let’s - - - -.”

So boys, take to heart what you learned today.
When tempted to curse, hold those words at bay.
Abandon the language that’s’ vulgar and lacks class,
Cause should you use them, then you can kiss my - - -!”

This brought a howl of laughter from the boys and the girls as well as the adults who where chaperoning the party. For the rest of the evening girls could be seen waggling their fingers at a boys face.

Time flew or so it seemed. 1:00 am came much to soon for all the kids. Bernie and the Deep Six had stopped playing an hour ago and the kids were saying their goodbyes.

Phil waited by the door; he’d be patient and not rush the girls. Phil turned when he felt a lite tap on his shoulder. There stood a police officer.

“Hey Bob haven’t seen you since the barbeque. How you doing?”

“Sorry to say this Phil but I’m here on business. There has been some trouble at the Junior High school, graffiti and broken windows. A few minutes ago we got an anonymous phone call telling us that Kelly, Caroline and a friend of theirs, Emily Dubois are responsible for the damage. You know Emily?”

“Very well. You met her and her parents at the barbeque. I know they didn’t have anything to do with the vandalism. They’ve been here all night.”

“Have you?”

“Eh. No I haven’t. But the junior high is at least seven miles from here. How could they get there and back?”

“Phil, I know Kelly and Caroline and if you say Emily is not involved than I believe you. But Lt. Haley and principal Carlton would like you and the girls to come to the school, if you don’t mind.”

Phil rounded up the girls and explained what had happened. His heart broke when their happy faces turn to despair.

First Phil heard, “Daddy, Papa, Mr. McCracken!” and then in unison, “We didn’t do nuttin!!!”

“I know you didn’t and the police know you didn’t but they still want us at the school, now.” Phil explained.

“Papa can I use your phone?” asked Caroline.

“I’ll take care of it this time little one. No need to bother your Father.”

Caroline knew in her heart that if Papa said it’d be all right than it’ll be all right.

Phil did call the Dubois and informed them of the situation. If they weren’t needed then Emily would spend the night with him and of course the girls.

At the school Phil walked into Mr. Carlton’s office where his old friend Lt. Bill Haley meet him. Phil once had been and auxiliary officer serving one day a week. This allowed him to carry a gun. The program was eliminated but Phil kept in contact with the friends he made on the force.

Lt. Haley greeted the girls but couldn’t resist the temptation to tease them a bit.

“Okay girls can you prove you didn’t do the vandalism to the school?”

All three started to protest and proclaimed their innocence’s.

“Come on Bill, don’t tease em.” Phil said.

Phil looked at Caroline who was doing a little dance. He leaned over and asked her, “You gotta use the rest room?”

“Nooo.” She said. But left the room any way. Emily and Kelly went with her.

Phil and Bill chitchatted for a while until the girls returned.

Bill looked at them and said, “You may be wondering why I asked you to be here since it’s so late and we know you had nothing to do with the with the vandalism. Hooligans are rarely smart. Most of the time they’re a French fry short of a happy meal. Those idiots didn’t realize that there are ten different video cameras recording everything that happened. We just wanted you here to see if you could identify them.” “What’s’ a hooligan?” asked Caroline.

“Never mind, lets get on with it.”

Principal Carlton walked in the office and even at that late hour his face lit up and the gleam in his eyes shown at the presence of the Musketeers. He invited everyone into the security office where a series of video monitors showed black and white grainy pictures of the schools campus.

“I’ve already identified seven of the eight kids involved. I hope you can id the last one and we can make a clean sweep right away.” said Mr. Carlton. He secretly wanted Emily or Kelly or Caroline to be involved. He wanted to see another video.

The only one that Mr. Carlton couldn’t identify was the driver of the car that brought the eights delinquents. Kelly told Mr. Carlton that it was Mark Adams, Mary’s brother.

Lt. Haley told Officer Bob Collins to get the addresses of the offenders from Principal Carlton and then round them up.

Phil called Tom and explained the evening’s events and told him that he’d bring Emily home around lunch. He was sure that they’d be sleeping late.

That night in Phil’s large bed the four of them relieved the tensions of the early mornings events. Phil and Caroline paired off as Kelly and Emily 69’d. One cum and they were fast asleep.