Ernie's Bargain 
by Sol Oliver  

The delivery men snickered as they headed out the door, having a good idea about what was in the crate. Ernie didn't care. After years of dating self-absorbed women, he came to the conclusion that an android could satisfy all of his companionship needs without the emotional grief. So he had saved for two years, keeping his eye on a website that specialized in used 'droids, until he had enough money to buy one.   

And now she was in his home, here in the living room, packed in the large unmarked plastic crate. The box stood upright before him, the size of a refrigerator, and Ernie savored the moment, hoping his 'droid would look just as good in person as she had on the website. True, she was two generations back from the Excella model and wouldn't look as realistic, but that didn't matter to him. From everything he'd read, the Trigonomic model (known as a "Trig" within the androidophile community) was the first Candrex Corporation android that was truly good in bed. In fact, when they were first introduced ten years before, they were commonly referred to as the "sexbot". Fucking wasn't all they did, but more Trigs were sold in its first model year than the total number of 'droids sold in all previous years. Sex really did sell, and it soon made Candrex one of the most powerful companies in the world.   

Lifting the crowbar he'd brought in from the garage when he saw the delivery truck pull up, Ernie snapped apart the plastic cables that were the only thing keeping him from his prize. Taking a deep breath, Ernie pulled the door open.   

"Awwwww, shit!" he said as plastic packing balls cascaded over him and piled up around his legs. But to his delight, his 'droid's head and upper body were revealed, and he stood awestruck.   

Her eyes were closed, porcelain face framed by long and unnaturally-colored orange hair, and her body was eerily still. The packing material had slid down as far as her waist, and Ernie was getting a boner just looking at her figure. She was shipped wearing the standard black with white trim Candrex maid's dress, whose neckline did little to hide her generous bust. Her skin was an unblemished light tan. Bringing a hand to her shoulder, he nervously touched the robot's skin and found it to be soft but supple. He half-expected her eyes to pop open as he prodded at her arm, but she remained in an unbreathing rest.   

Taking his hand from his new toy, he grabbed the instruction packet affixed to the crate. Inside the large ziplock baggie was a small bundle of papers bound together with a clip. The top sheet was a letter addressed to him:   

"Dear Mr. Garner - congratulations on your purchase of 'Tara', a Candrex Corporation Trigonomic model android expertly reconditioned by Phoenix Lifeworks. The following pages explain how to active your new companion, as well as basic care and maintenance of the unit. If you have any questions about Tara, please contact us. Enjoy!"   

It worried Ernie a bit that there wasn't more information in the package, which he read three times over. All he had to do was insert a chip into a slot at the back of the android's head, and she'd be up and running. Other information was about keeping her clean and powered, and how to change her programming. This last part needed to be done by a professional, and he didn't have any more money to spend, but he'd already been assured that she'd be able to perform every function he’d bought her for right away. The manual explained that the reconditioning did not erase the android's previous experiences and programming, to save him the time and money, but that his own custom information had been loaded in place of the previous owner's. For what he paid, Ernie wasn't going to complain.   

The very last page was a disclosure statement, required by law, about the 'droid's ownership history. Tara had originally been owned by one person for nine years, selling her to Phoenix just a few months before Ernie bought her. Interestingly, there was one other owner before Ernie, although they only kept the 'droid for a week before sending her back to Phoenix. Curious. Maybe their credit was no good.   

"How could anyone resist *you*?" asked Ernie to the inanimate Tara, stomach twitching with excitement. Satisfied that he understood the instructions, he undid the crate’s tie-down restraints and hauled the 'droid onto the couch. She was heavier than he was expecting, and he practically dropped her onto her back, and her head knocked against the sofa’s armrest.   

"Ah!" cried the android as her eyes popped open. Slowly, her limbs came to life, and she brought her hands up to examine her head.   

"Woah!" shouted Ernie, jumping back. As he watched, the android arranged herself into a sitting position, placed her hands in her lap, and looked up at him with an artificial smile, eyes wide. She must have been shipped with the chip installed, and was activated by the jolt. There she was, even more beautiful now that she was moving, and he felt like a teenager on a first date. 

"Uh, hi?" he said to the android.

"Hello, Master Ernie," grinned the android, eyes staring at him unblinkingly. He kept looking down her dress at her cleavage, looking away quickly each time. What did it matter, though? It was an android that called him "master"!   

"Helloooo, Tara!" he said, fixing his eyes on his toy's tits.  

"Hello, Master Ernie," repeated Tara, still staring at him with her friendly, empty face.   

"Do you say anything else?"   

"What would you like me to say?"   

"Oh, never mind," said Ernie.

"Oh, never mind," repeated Tara, making him laugh. But Ernie didn't buy her for conversation.   

"Stand up, Tara," said Ernie, and the android slowly rose to a standing position, arms swinging behind her back, hands clasped together at the top of her well-rounded ass. "Turn around," he commanded, and the android slowly moved in place 360 degrees. Niiiiice. Her legs were two smooth, fleshy cylinders that grew down from her short black skirt. Ernie couldn't resist swatting her on the ass as she turned, and was pleased by its firmness.   

"Oh!" shouted Tara as she completed her turn. "That wasn't nice," she said, still smiling, and before Ernie could reply...   

*SMACK!*   

...a hand caught him hard on the cheek. Having administered the hit, the android returned to her static pose, hands behind back. What the heck?   

"Why did you do that?" asked Ernie, rubbing his cheek.   

"My programming and experience indicate that striking you on the cheek was the appropriate response," replied Tara with a giggle. "Shall I get you some ice?"   

"Uh, yeah," said Ernie, and the android hulked off to the closet-sized kitchen. What had he gotten himself into? How would he know what else she was programmed to do? Tara came back with ice inside a paper towel and held it to his cheek. "Thanks," said Ernie as the cool ice soothed his robot-induced ache.   

"You are welcome, Master Ernie."  

As the android held the ice to his cheek, she began to pet his head gently. This was more like it! Her eyes looked into his with a fixed stare, unblinking and still, and it creeped him out a bit. Cautiously, he brought his hand to her face and traced its ridges. The android’s expression didn’t change in the slightest. Ernie took a chance and ran his index finger across her firm, pouting lips. No reaction. Her hand continued to stroke his hair absently.   

"That's enough, Tara," he said, and the android pulled her hands back from him. In the process, the ice fell from the paper towel and crunched apart on the floor.   

"Oops!" said the robot cutely. Looking about her, she spotted the ice chunks and began to kneel to reach them. As she shifted her legs to perform the maneuver, however, one foot came down on a piece of the ice. "Oh!" she exclaimed, clumsily crashing to the floor and landing with her ass in the air, facing Ernie, head down. Her black skirt had lifted up just enough for him to get a taste of the curves of her ass through her bunched-up lacy panty, and he liked what he saw.   

"Are you okay?" asked Ernie. The android was awkwardly recomposing herself into a sitting position on the floor.   

"Yes, Master Ernie," she said, smiling again. As she sat atop her legs, knees together, she began to collect the pieces of ice.   

"You're a bit clumsy, aren't you?" said Ernie as he watched one and then another sliver of ice escape her fingers.   

"Hee-hee!" tittered the android, hitting him with a wide-eyed smile. Once again Ernie enjoyed a bird's-eye view of his android's high-set breasts, and he was becoming quite aroused.   

"Let me help you," he said, lowering himself to the floor and onto his knees. Together they picked at the ice, Ernie always finding the pieces just behind or to the side of the busty android. The android didn’t seem aware of him at all as she continued to fumble with the ice shards. Was this her way of teasing him? If it was, it was working. Every so often, she'd lean forward to reach a chunk, and her breasts would press solidly into his upper arm or chest. Ohhhhh, they were firm! She was *definitely* teasing him! Ernie looked into her eyes but saw only the blank yet pleasant expression of a docile robot. She reached for a piece of ice to the side, and her breasts were clearly outlined against the stretched dress, round and topped with cherry nipples. Ernie reached forward and cupped her tit, squeezing it lightly before...   

*SMACK!*   

...a hand reddened his other cheek and sent him piling to the floor.   

"Hmpf!" grunted Tara, shooting him a pouty frown as she re-adjusted her tits. Boobs back in place, the docile expression returned to her face. "Shall I get you some ice?" she asked pleasantly.   

"No, that's okay," said Ernie, getting up from the floor. "I'll get it myself."   Opening the freezer door, he took the remaining ice from the tray and looked back at the android, who continued to clumsily assemble the melting remains of the first batch. Was it a game? Or hadn't she been programmed for sexual encounters before? Had she been used as a waitress? If she had, a lot of people would have suffered hot lap-fuls of soup. Finally all of the ice on the floor had melted, and the android stood up and walked to the kitchen. As Ernie finished putting the fresh ice in a towel and held it to his cheek, he watched Tara stumble to the sink and deposit what few chunks she'd collected into the sink. After rinsing her hands, she dried them on the short white apron that hung around her waist and resumed her neutral position, facing Ernie.   

"Are you programmed as a waitress?" asked Ernie.   

"I am programmed to serve my Master," she responded with a smile.   

"Then why did you slap me when I grabbed your tit?"   

"My programming and experience indicate that striking you on the cheek was the appropriate response," replied Tara with the increasingly-familiar giggle.   

"Whatever," said Ernie with resignation, exiting the kitchen and walking through his small dining/living to his second bedroom, which he used as an office. Phoenix Lifeworks had some explaining to do. As he sat down in front of his computer, Tara entered the room and stood by the door. At least she was attentive.  Selecting Phoenix' bookmark, he was greeted with only a blank page. Hmmmm. Typing the address got him the same result. Shit! This better not be a scam! Did this company sell him a malfunctioning robot and take it on the lam? Tara continued to stand perfectly still behind him.   

"Tara, are you able to perform self-diagnostics?"   

"Yes, Master Ernie," responded the 'droid. All expression left her face for a moment, and Ernie thought she'd shut down. But soon her eyes moved back to his, and she smiled. "All of my systems are working perfectly."   

"Then aren't you supposed to do what I want you to?"   

"I am programmed to serve my Master," she responded again, "Is there something you wish me to do?" Hmmm...maybe he needed to instruct her before she'd respond...   

"Yes," Ernie said firmly. "I want sex." He couldn't keep from blushing. Here he was, telling a robot he wanted sex!   

"Ohhhhh!" said Tara, generating her largest smile yet. "Thank you, Master Ernie. I enjoy sex."   

"Great!" said Ernie, who felt two hands massaging his shoulders. These couldn't be the same clumsy hands that fumbled with the ice. They were too expert, kneading his muscles with strength and sensual precision.

"Step one: have Master Ernie relax," said the android. Indeed, he was relaxing. Well, most of him was. The hands caressed his upper chest now, grazing across his nipples. "Are you relaxed, Master Ernie?"   

"Oh, yessss," he replied.   

"Step two: bring Master Ernie to the bedroom," said Tara, grabbing his hand and nearly pulling him to his feet. Although shorter and thinner than him, she was quite heavy and strong. Her eyes were wide open; her whole face smiled as she practically dragged him to the bedroom next door. Now they stood facing each other a foot apart in the small bedroom.   

"This is more like it," said Ernie as the grinning robot stood him next to the bed and turned herself to face him. "A bit conventional, but more like it."   

"Step three: undress Master Ernie," said the 'droid, moving forward and going to work on his shirt buttons. Soon his shirt was gone, followed by her shoes, socks, pants, and finally underwear. Tara was still fully dressed, but Ernie didn't mind. He'd love to fuck his robot while she still had the dress on, and his cock had already risen to the challenge.   

"Step four: embrace and kiss Master Ernie to achieve arousal," continued Tara. But wasn't rock-hard cock already in plain sight? She must need to follow the sequence. The android moved forward into him, and Ernie felt her arms reach around him and hold him tight. Yesss! Her tits squeezed pleasantly against his chest, and her head tilted up to his, lips parted slightly, and she was going up on her toes.   

"I'll meet you half-way," said Ernie, lowering his head to meet her lips. They were soft and warm, and somehow the android was able to conduct emotion through them. A clumsy hand poked at Ernie’s cock.   

"Arousal achieved," said the robot, abruptly removing her lips from his, releasing her hold on him, and stepping backwards one pace.   

"You betcha 'arousal achieved'!" said Ernie, who was now quivering with anticipation.   

"Step five: remove undergarments to expose genitalia," said the 'droid, reaching under her dress to pull down her panties. Her eyes were gaining a cold fire, inner tips of her eyebrows turning down as she smiled. "In conjunction with Master Ernie, create friction to stimulate pleasure sensors in genitalia."   

"Clinical, but I like the concept," said Ernie, pondering how he'd enter her first. Something was strange, though, as he looked at her waist.   

Tara’s dress had a bulge at the waist.   

"Oh, no," said Ernie, stepping backward as Tara slowly lurched forward. "You need to stop, Tara."   

"Step five 'b': reveal genitalia to entice Master Ernie," she said, lifting her dress up to her round hips.   

"My god, you're HUGE!" said Ernie, pointing down at his android's crotch, which hosted an outsized penis and weighty testicles. The android's smile verged on evil, and her cock was glossy and throbbing. "I don't think I want sex with you, Tara. No sex, Tara!"   

"Sequence already in progress," said Tara, again moving towards him. "Must create friction with Master Ernie." The android was licking her lips as she backed him into the corner next to the bed. A hand reached under his balls, and a finger began to scrape along his butt crack.   

"Okay, okay!" shouted Ernie, grabbing her wrist, which refused to budge. "I'll give you some friction." Ernie closed his eyes and moved his hand down and under the android's dress. From there it was easy to find the hot appendage, which must have been at least nine inches long, and he closed his hand around it. Initially soft to the touch, beneath it was a solid pillar.   

"Mmm," said Tara, staring up at him and cocking her head to one side. Her finger continued to graze along his crack until it came to rest atop his anus. Better provide her more friction before she creates it herself. Ernie began to move his hand up and back along her rigid shaft, feeling lubricant begin to spread along its length.   

"Friction, right?" said Ernie nervously. He could feel veins along her meat throb, and the tip of her index finger was probing into him now.   

"Master Ernie is not sufficiently stimulated," said Tara, jamming her finger up his ass.   

"OH!" shouted Ernie, taken by surprise. 

"That's okay! I'm *plenty* stimulated!"   

"*I* am not," said the android with a mean frown, removing the finger from his ass and rocking her hips back to slip her girl-stick from his hand. "Bend over," she said, hands on hips, penis bobbing in front of her.   

"WHAT?!" shouted Ernie. "This can't be right!"   

"My programming and experience indicate that bending over is Master Ernie’s required response," replied Tara, but there was no giggle in her voice. She grabbed her cock and stroked it a few times, slowly. "Bend over."   

"I will not."   

"Sub-step 'A': provide additional stimulation in order to subdue Master Ernie," she said, and with surprising speed the android shot forward and quickly had her arms around him. Below his head, her long orange locks moved like little whips as he felt his upper body and neck assaulted by her lips and tongue. It was nearly enough to distract him from the fact that her ass-seeking shaft was sliding back and forth under his balls. But not quite.   

"Hey!" shouted Ernie, but there was no way for him to resist. Once again, a finger probed his ass.   

"Bend over!" repeated Tara, as she slipped her cock out from under his nuts and planted it against his own, pressing them both against his stomach.   

"No way!" shouted Ernie.   

"Continue sub-step 'A'," said the android, and Ernie felt himself thrown to the bed and onto his back. Tara pounced after him and held him down at the chest, her jiggling tits pressed against his abdomen. Moving with a grace far greater than when on her feet, she grabbed hold of his thighs and ducked her head down between them.   

"Whoa!" shouted Ernie as the robot's tongue began to lap at his butt hole. The service was sloppy but insistent, and the android held him immobile as he squirmed. No matter how he tried, he couldn't move the thick shag of orange hair away from his exit hole. Surprise and alarm at her tongue's ministrations gave way, however, to curiosity about the sensations she was delivering, and he resigned himself to Tara’s attentions. Now the tongue probed more deliberately at his anus, tracing it to relaxation.   

"Master Ernie successfully subdued," said Tara, looking up at him from her ass-snack, eyes lit with artificial mischief.   

"Yeah, congratulations," said Ernie, nervous about what would happen next. He felt like there was a rash on his insides that needed to be scratched.

"Friction is required to stimulate pleasure sensors in genitalia," said the android as she sat up at his feet. "Roll over." 

Once again the android sat on her legs, her little black skirt tented up by her mammoth, meaty rod. A small wet circle was forming on the black cloth where it was pushed up the highest. Her smile was blandly pleasant now, and she'd given her order as if asking him to pass the salt. How bad could this be? With much uncertainty and a little embarrassment, Ernie did as his toy had asked, and he now lay belly-down on his bed. Soft hair floated across his ass, and something wet lapped at hole.   

"Oooh!" said Ernie in both surprise and delight as Tara’s tongue smacked at his sphynchter, which was getting used to the sensations. Then he felt the weight of the android's body on top of him, tits against his back, arms reaching under his armpits to hold him immobile. Something thick pressed along his crack, and panic shot through him as he realized what was about to happen. "Hey, Tara?" he said as the girl-meat nestled towards its target.   

"Yes, Master Ernie?" said the android, not relaxing her hold on him one bit. Lubricant was spreading across his crack as she slid the rod back and forth.   

"Can't we do this another time?" said Ernie. Something soft and round pressed to his hole.   

"Certainly," said Tara, much to his surprise.   

"Oh, good," said Ernie, relaxing. "How about tomorrow, then?" He was confident he could get the problem straightened out by Phoenix by then.

"Certainly," said the android. "We will do it more tonight as well, as my pleasure sensors require."   

"Huh?" said Ernie, and then something rushed up into his passage, leaving a horrible burning in its wake. "AAAGH!"   

"AAAH!" shouted Tara as she pushed her meat inward. It felt to Ernie like the movement would never end, but soon the pain was replaced by an odd pleasure.   "I am...all the way--UM!--...inside...you...Master Ernie," said the android haltingly. Just as Ernie's mind was racing from being taken by Tara’s dick, so too must the android be having trouble processing the pleasure given from burying her shaft up his ass. "Must...increase friction..."   Backwards the great organ began to slide, and Ernie clutched at the sheets. He felt like he needed to clear his bowels, but just as they seemed to empty, the pressure pushed back in.   

"OHHHH!" he groaned, utterly subdued by the body that lay both above and inside him. Ernie was at her mercy, and the sensations were so new and strong that his mind wasn’t sure if he wanted it to end right away or to last forever.  

"Rrrrrr.." growled Tara, her perfect ass working her penis inward again. To Ernie, the sensation was like being pushed high on a swing set, body tensing at the acme.   

*shllllllrrrrrsss!*   

Out glided Tara’s penis once more, smoothly. The android pushed her torso up on her arms to change her leverage, calculated her attack, and guided her sausage home again.   

*schlurrrrrp!*   

"Ungh!aaaaahhUNGH!aaaaaahhUNGH!aaaa..." grunted Tara as she worked her thick pole into Ernie's warm recess to maximize her system's stimulation. The man was amazed at the robot's grace, and at his own enjoyment. He was excited both by the physical sensation, and by knowing that the artificial woman was taking great pleasure by using him.

"...UNGH!..UNGH!..UNGH!.....last phase...UNGH!...deposit fluid....UNGH! UNGH! AAAAHHHHH!"   

Ernie felt the meat tube slam home and knew that his insides were being filled with his android's hot cum, and the thought of having been fucked by his own robotic woman made him release his own load onto the bed below. Then, with barely a pause, he felt the throbbing stick exit his guts, and the weight disappeared from his back. Rolling back over, ass sore, Ernie watched Tara clean off her tool with her apron, and he was amazed that it had been inside of him. It made him a little bit angry. He hadn’t spent all of his saving just to be anally probed by a well-hung robotic woman. Not that it was entirely unpleasant. With one hand still on her cock, the android looked up at her master.   

"Would you like me to draw you a hot bath, Master Ernie?" she asked, as if she hadn't just jumped him, buried her penis in his ass, and used him like a fuck doll. Ernie would get to the bottom of this riddle soon, but in the mean time a good soak sounded like just the thing.   

"Yes, Tara," he replied, sitting up slowly in the bed. "I would love a bath."   With that, the android turned clumsily towards the bathroom, black skirt swaying as she went to fill the tub for her master.