Looking Through The Lens

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Chapter 13: The Song Remains the Same

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“Matt, you’re freaking me out! What the hell is going on?” Lara asked, clawing at my arm.

“There are two girls called Heather that work there,” I said with a haunted voice.

Lara took a deep breath.  “Okay.  But it still could have been her.  It looked like her, okay?  Just relax.  Tomorrow morning you can go check it out for yourself.  I’m sure it’s fine.  People just don’t jump off of piers because someone didn’t call them!”

I digested her words.  Lara was probably right.  Once again I had let my overactive imagination take hold of my senses.

“Lie down,” she said gently.

I leaned back onto Lara’s pillow, and she lay down beside me. 

“I’m just a little wigged out from this morning, that’s all,” I said.  “She was really different than I remembered her.  It took me by surprise.”

“Well, like I said earlier… from her perspective, she has a different view of things.”

“Yeah, I know.   I need to talk to her. Tomorrow I’ll work this out, once and for all.”

“Look, don’t blow this thing out of proportion.  Just relax.  Things will work out.”

“I know, I know.”

Lara stroked my arm.  Her touch was calming, and as my mind returned to reality from the nightmare, I started feeling foolish for waking her up.  Not everything in my life has to be like the end of the world, I thought.  Fucking drama king.

I woke up, confused, before realizing I was in Lara’s bed and not mine.  She was sound asleep next to me.  I sat up quickly, surprised that I had fallen asleep with her.  Lara stirred, and then was still again.  I cringed at the memory of my midnight madness.  It seemed all the more retarded in the dim morning light.  Of course Heather was fine!

My watch said damned early, so I hoped no one had looked in on us.  That would have been an awkward thing to explain.

I carefully unwrapped myself from the sheet, and slipped out into the hallway.  No one in the house was up yet, to my relief.  I went to my room, and pulled on a bathing suit and shirt.  I considered lying down again, but I was awake for the day.

I decided to go fish, and maybe I’d get another chance to talk to Heather.

When I got to the pier, it was empty.  But it was also very early.  I didn’t know if Heather would come back after our last conversation.  If she was mad at me, I might have to go find her at her store. 

After catching a few fish, I sat on the deck and looked out at the water.  The wind from the previous day had calmed.  The sea was glowing from the pink ribbon of sunrise hanging on the horizon.

I pondered my situation.  I had to talk to Julie soon.  At the very least, we had to talk about Lara, and the future.  I was wary of trying the long-distance thing with her again.  Lara’s and James’s arrangement seemed much more suitable.  I didn’t know what Julie would think of that.  She wasn’t really in a position to complain, though, since she had messed things up the first time.

A part of me started feeling that letting her give me those blowjobs the day before wasn’t the best thing to do.  It was just going to make talking about these things more difficult.  Particularly, if our talk didn’t go well, then the sex would be an added burden, especially since I’d received the lion’s share of the pleasure.

A noise broke through my thoughts.  I sat up and turned, and let out a sigh of relief.  I realized my shoulders were twisted into knots. 

Heather was approaching.  She looked at me for a moment, before setting her things down by the rail a couple of yards away.

I felt nervous at seeing her.  At least she had come back, I thought.  That had to count for something.

“Morning,” I said. 

“Hi,” she replied.  “Catch anything?” 

There was some life in her voice, I noticed with relief.

“Yeah, just a few.”

“You’re here early.  Trying to sneak in a few in before I showed up?” she asked.

I smiled at her.  She was sounding more like the Heather I remembered from last year.

“No, I wasn’t even sure if you were going to show up this morning.”

She looked at me seriously.  “Matt, I’m sorry about yesterday.  I was in a really bad mood.  It was a crappy day.”

“I didn’t know you had those.”

“It happens.”

“I’m sorry I was teasing you, yesterday…” I said gravely, “about not finding the note.”

Heather didn’t say anything.  Instead, she went about getting her gear ready.

“I should have told you, yesterday, but I didn’t get the chance,” I continued.  “I didn’t actually find your note right away.  I only found it a few months ago, when I was on a fishing trip.  I was looking for my new license, well, sort of…  And I found the one you had written on the back of.  Obviously you weren’t at your relatives’ house anymore.”

Heather looked up at me as I spoke.

“So, I’m sorry I didn’t call you,” I said earnestly.  “I hope you didn’t think that I didn’t want to, because I would have, if… if… you know...”

Heather smiled a little.  “Nah, it’s all my fault for playing stupid games with you,” she said.

“I probably should have seen your number though.  But I was feeling bad that you were leaving that day, and looking at my license wasn’t really on my mind.”

Heather nodded.  “Well, it’s in the past, now,” she said. 

She cast her line out and looked down into the water.

I gazed at her, a warm feeling flowing through me. 

“I just want to say that finding that note made my day,” I said.  “My whole year, even.”

Heather turned and looked at me with a frown.  “Why?”

“I was going through a tough time. When I found it, it really caught me by surprise.”

“Was that when you and Julie were splitting up?”

I eyed her for a moment.  The feelings of regret at having hooked up with Julie again welled up a little stronger. 

“Yeah, that and some other stuff.  I guess you know all about me and Julie,” I said.

“It’s a small town,” Heather said simply.

“Heh! I know what that’s like.”

Heather pulled in a little fish. 

“You should get to it, Matt.  I’m up one-zip,” she said nonchalantly.

“One-zip?  What about the four I have in my bucket?”

“Cheating,” she said, casting in again.

“Cheating?  How’s that?” I said, raising an eyebrow. 

Her calm tone was deceptive.  She was definitely back at her games.

“I wasn’t even here yet,” she said.

“Well, I caught four yesterday when you were here.”

“First of all, it was three.”

I laughed.  Through all the misery, she had still been keeping track!

“Second of all,” she added, “everything that happened yesterday… never happened.”

If only it was that easy, I thought to myself.

I laughed gently.  “All right, fine,” I said.  “I’m going to stand up, cast in, and we start from here.  Clean slate, no excuses... Anything caught when the other is present, fishing or not, moody or not, counts.”

I looked her in the eyes.  They were full of their usual life again.  She stared at me for a while, transfixing me to the spot.  If she had held my gaze indefinitely, I would still be there now.

Finally she nodded.  “Fine.” 

The game was set.  I got up slowly with an exaggerated yawn. 

“All right, reel in,” I said.

“What?” she asked innocently.

“I can tell you have one on the line.  You’re just waiting for me to cast.”

A smile spread across Heather’s face, as she cranked on the reel.  Sure enough, a fish was flapping on the end of the line.  I just smiled and shook my head as I hoisted my pole.

“Zero-zero,” I said.

“Zero-zero,” she echoed.

I looked at her with a grin as I swung my rod over the railing.  We stared at each other, waiting for the imaginary start lights to go off.

“Go!” we yelled at once.

We cast in like we were starting the Kentucky Derby.  For a few minutes we worked our lines in silence, eyeing each other’s pole tips to see if something had been caught.  Neither of us hooked anything though.

I looked at Heather, and she looked at me.  Then we started laughing.

“Somewhat anticlimactic, huh?” she said to me.

“Yeah, fishing could never be a spectator sport.”

“I don’t know, the suspense here is killing me,” she said.

“Heh.  Well, there’s a long way to go.  The first fish caught won’t matter much in a few weeks, when I’ve soundly kicked your butt.  Unless you’re planning to ditch me again like last year,” I said.  I knew it was a risky comment, but I thought her mood could handle it.

“No, Matt.  Unfortunately, I’m stuck here fishing with you for the rest of the summer,” she said, with mock ennui.

I felt relief at her returned barb. 

“ ‘Unfortunately?’  ‘Stuck here?’  Thanks!  That makes me feel good.”

Heather stuck her tongue out at me, and then she whooped.  I rolled my eyes as she dramatically pulled on her rod. 

“Ooh, a big, meaty one!” she exclaimed exaggeratedly as the fish rose above the surface.

“You suck,” I said.  I moved over closer to her and smacked my rod tip against hers.  To my surprise, the fish dropped off her hook and into the water. 

I sniggered. 

Heather turned and gave me a foul look.

“What was that?” she exclaimed.

“Sorry, just trying to help...” 

“That’s a penalty!  Malicious interference.  Three fish penalty!”

“Wait, that’s not fair!  I barely tapped your rod, so it was about to shake itself off anyway.  I’ll just let you count that one, out of pity.”

“Out of pity?  Whatever!  The score is one for me, negative three for you.  The fish counts, and you get a penalty.”

“When did you become referee?” I asked with a grimace.

“I’ve always been the referee. I always will be,” she said matter-of-factly.

“Well, sounds like there’s no room for discussion on that point,” I said.

“Nope,” she confirmed.

I felt a hard pull on my line.

“Oh... oh... well, look at that.  What a shame!  They just never learn, do they?  That looks a lot like the fish you just had, doesn’t it?” I said triumphantly.  I grinned wickedly and eyed the fat fish wriggling on my hook.  “It’s so big and… ‘meaty,’ that I can hardly pull it in.”  I pretended to stagger under the weight of the half-pound pan fish.

Heather scrunched her face up and whipped her rod at mine, but I anticipated her and swung my pole out of the way, pulling the fish to the temporary safety of my bucket.

“You better watch out,” I warned.  “That was almost a penalty for you.  What was it? ‘Malicious interference?’ ” I mimicked in a high voice.

Heather just made another face at me, which I smiled back at sweetly.

The fishing for the next while was intense.  Well, as intense as fishing for pan fish on a pier in high summer can get, which is not very intense. 

“I have to get to work,” Heather sighed at last.

I felt a twinge of sadness at the impending end of our morning together.

“That’s cool.  Nothing’s biting anyway.”

Heather leaned over and peered into my bucket.  She laughed for a moment, and then pretended to contain it.  She couldn’t keep her face straight, though.

“Negative two,” she said with derision.

“What?  I have negative one fish,” I corrected, feeling ridiculous at having to argue for that pathetic score.  I looked in my bucket as they swam around: one, two, three, four… no wait, three, four, five…

“Hey, where’s the big meaty one?” I said suddenly. 

I looked at Heather.  She shrugged.  I checked in my bucket once more, but it was clearly not there.  When I turned to Heather again, I caught the end of a smile that evaporated just as I looked at her.

I started for her bucket.  She blocked my way.

“Heather,” I warned with arched brow.

She just grinned at me, moving back and forth in front of her bucket as I tried to get past her.  Finally I crossed my arms on my chest and stood before her.

“Penalty, I say!”

“Get over it, Matt.  I’m the ref.”

We stared each other down for a moment, and then I lunged and grabbed her by the shoulders, turning her out of the way. 

As I made contact with her, electricity shot though me.  I had never touched her before, except for the one time she had kissed my cheek the day she left last year, I remembered.  As I held her bare shoulders, I could feel her skin warm and alive in my hands.  It was vividly sensuous.  For a moment, I forgot what I was even doing.

Heather shrieked, trying to prevent me from seeing in her bucket.  She pulled on my arm, but it was too late:  swimming in her bucket was the big meaty fish we had both caught. 

“Hey!” I exclaimed, pointing at it as she pulled me back from the edge of her bucket.  “Thief!  Thief!” I cried.

“All right, fine!  Fine.  I’ll take a penalty,” she said, breathing deeply.  Her eyes were on fire.  She let go of my arm suddenly, like it was burning her.

“I want my fish back, too,” I griped, regaining some composure.

“No.  Penalty, or fish, which will it be?”

“What?  Oh, wait: ‘I’m the ref,’ ” I mimicked.  “How the hell did you steal it anyway?”

Heather just shrugged.  I thought back to when I had to tie a new hook on my line.  I probably had my back to her for ten seconds as I pulled out some leader.  She must have done it then.  It was impressive.

“Oh crap, I really have to get to work!  I’m already a half-hour late,” she said.  “Fish, or penalty?”

“What’s the penalty?” I asked.

“Fish or penalty?” she just repeated.

“All right, penalty.”  I didn’t really care about the fish.

“Okay.”  She started to pack up her stuff.

“So?” I asked impatiently.

“So what?”

“So what’s the penalty?” I blurted out, exasperated.

“Oh, right.  So I caught… five.”  She considered for a moment.  “So I’ll take a one fish penalty.”

“One fish?  That’s it?  I get three for knocking your rod, and you just get one for steal–”

“And,” she said loudly over my protest, “I’ll give you one point too.  So you have negative one.”  After a pause, she sniggered a little at my pitiful score.

“Your scoring system is completely random,” I said. 

“Not true.”

I thought for a second.  “Wait.  You counted the points like you had caught the big fish, not me!”

“I did catch the big fish,” she said simply.

“So basically nothing changes, and you get to keep the fish you stole?” I asked, incredulous.

She pursed her lips, and looked up at the sky. 

God, she’s cute, I thought to myself.

“Mmm... Yeah, that’s basically it,” she said, nodding in agreement.  “Good assessment of the situation, Matt.  I’m glad you agree.  Now, I really need to go!”

“You are incorrible,” I said. 

Heather smiled at me.  “And you just let me get away with it,” she said sweetly.  But there was a challenge in those eyes.

“Bye, Matt.” 

She picked up her gear and started off down the pier.

“Hey, wait,” I called out after her.  I looked at my equipment, scattered over the pier.  I didn’t want to make her any later, so walking back together with her was not an option.  But at least I wanted to see if we could fish again the next morning.

Heather turned to me expectantly.

“Are you coming back tomorrow?” I asked, completely distracted by those eyes.

“I’ll be here.  Maybe I’ll see you, if you have the guts to show up.  And by the way, it’s ‘incorrigible.’ ”  Her face softened into a radiant smile.  “Bye now!”

She turned and hurried down the pier as I shook my head.  I decided that I was making things way too easy for her, even though I really didn’t mind her antics.  They were funny and endearing, even if on some level she was seriously competitive.  I could handle her walking all over me, for the most part, but I had to at least put up some more resistance.

That evening I met Julie at the pier.  I wasn’t looking forward to talking with her, though.  The benefits of dragging the past out into the light were becoming less clear with each passing day.

We walked to the gazebo and sat, making small talk.  I didn’t know how to start.  As we watched the sun get lower, she announced some news.

“My dad is back in town.”

I looked at her, surprised.  “Really?  What’s going on with that?”

Julie’s father had moved away with another woman six years earlier. 

“Things didn’t work out with his new wife, I guess.  Ex-wife, I should say.”

“Wow.  Is he back for good?”

Julie shrugged.  “I don’t know.  He showed up a few weeks ago.  He’s been staying with us for the last week or so.”

“How is your mom taking that?”

“She’s really changed.  It’s been good for her to have him back.  But I hope he’s not just on a stint before he moves on.  She’s been desperate to have him back since he left.”

“Hmm.  What about you?  How are you feeling about it?”

Julie sighed.  “Well, you know, I’ve resented him ever since he took off.  But now…”

“Now?” I gently urged, as she had stopped talking.  Then I noticed a tear rolling down her cheek.

“It made me see what I had done to you in a different light.”

“How?”

“Here I was, hating my dad for leaving my mom and going off with someone else, and then I turned around and did the same thing.  I was the person I hated.”

I nodded, knowing all too well what that felt like.

“So that’s why you broke it off with Brian?” I asked gently.

“I guess.  Yeah.”

I moved closer to Julie, and put an arm around her.  She leaned against me, crying quietly.

“Well, I hope for your sake, and for your mom’s, that he stays around.  Has he moved back in?”

“No, but they’re talking about that.”  Her voice was tremulous.

“That’s cool.”

“I’m sorry to bring you down with all this,” she said.

“No, I like knowing what’s going on.”

There was a pause.

“Matt, I’m scared.”

“Of what?”  I looked at her with concern.

“Me. You.”

“Why?”

“I mean, there’s talk about… about maybe us moving to Florida.”

I digested these words.  “Where your dad lives?” I asked.

“Yeah.  I mean, he has a really good job down there, and it’s been hard up here for my mom.  I have a feeling she’s starting to open up to it.  But I don’t want to go.  All my friends are here.  And I wouldn’t see you, or Lara, or your family anymore.  I mean, I’ve known you since we were four or five.”

I sat in silence, wondering what this meant.  The passion in her voice seemed to make us out to be a steady couple, being separated.  That didn’t quite mesh with my impression of our situation.  But then again, there was also her and Lara’s relationship, which was much closer and longer than ours. 

In some ways Julie felt more like a family member than my girlfriend at that moment.

“Well, listen; nothing’s set yet, is it?” I asked.

“No.”

“So maybe things will work out.”

“I don’t know.  I think my mom is really caving in.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I just stroked her head.

“Matt,” she said, “what do you want this summer?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean with us.  What do you see happening?”

I thought for a moment.  “To be honest, I don’t know.  I do know I don’t want to go through another year like I just did, though.”

Julie didn’t answer.  Before we got to questions about our future, I felt like it was the right time to bring up some other questions about the past.

“What about Lara?” I asked softly.

“What about her?”

“I know, Julie,” I said, with unmistakable emphasis.

Julie tensed up.  She said nothing for a long time.

“I was wondering if she had told you,” she finally said.  Her tone was strangled.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“I don’t know.  I didn’t want to lose you.”

“Well, in one way I can see that, but still.”

“I’m really sorry, Matt.  God, I screwed things up so bad…  Was it hard when Lara told you?”

I almost laughed at the question.  “I lost my sister a few months ago.  It was a bad time for both of us.”

I paused to let that sink in.

“But,” I went on, “we worked things out, and we’re much better now.”

“Don’t blame her.  It was me who didn’t tell you.”

“I know.  I trust Lara with my life, and more, and I don’t blame her for anything.  I think you should apologize to her, though.” 

 “I will,” Julie whispered. 

I felt a little bad for being so preachy and blunt, but I had to get these things off my chest.

“Do you still want to be with her?” I asked.

Julie was silent for a bit.  “Do you mean, be with her in that way?” she asked.

“Yeah.”

“I don’t have to anymore.  Lara and I were just experimenting back then.  I’m not, you know…”

“So you’re more into guys?”

“Yeah,” she said slowly.  “Not that I …”

“Not that you didn’t enjoy it?” I finished again. 

“Yeah,” Julie answered quietly.  “You seem very comfortable with this,” she added.

“It doesn’t bother me anymore.”

I looked out at the waves.  They were a little rougher than they had been earlier. 

“So why didn’t you tell me about John?” I asked. 

Another tense moment as Julie stiffened.

“John?” she asked.

“Lara told me he was your first.”

Julie sat up suddenly. 

“Why are you doing this?” she asked, anguish in her voice.

“Julie…” I reached out to her, but she pushed my hand away.

“What do I have to do to show you that I’ve changed?  You make it sound like I’ve slept with all these people, and, and –”

“Julie, whoa, wait, I’m not saying anything like that!” I said, confused by her abrupt reaction.  I kept my voice calm, but Julie was getting more and more agitated.

“Then why are you bringing up John?  That was before I even was with you!”

“So was Lara,” I said quietly.

“So, s-so what?”

“Look, it was just a simple question.  I’m not saying you should have told me, but, I just thought…”

“Then why are you asking now?  It’s in the past.”

I breathed deeply, trying to keep my anxiety from growing.  Maybe I had pushed her too far, bringing up John.

I looked at Julie, standing half-lit by the ruddy sun.  Her chest was heaving, and her eyes were fixed on mine. 

It suddenly became painfully clear to me, that what I did next was going to influence the rest of my vacation, and beyond… far beyond.

Was the girl I wanted to be with standing in front of me now at sunset?  Gorgeous, secretive, and sexy, but heartbreaking?

Or had she been standing before me that morning at sunrise?  Playful, challenging, and cute; but spoken for?

Time hung still as Julie and I stared at each other.  As I watched her, she gave me that look, with her big, brown, wet eyes.

I knew then, in my heart, what the right decision was to be. 

Forward to Chapter 14

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