Looking Through The Lens

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Chapter 11: When the Levee Breaks

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For once in my life I had made the right decision.  As Julie pulled me across the living room towards the door, Heather and I looked at each other.  She was sitting on the couch, next to some guy who had his arm wrapped around her shoulder.  It was obvious from their body language that they were a couple.

Heather’s face was expressionless as I traversed the room, and then I was outside in the warm air.

“Are you all right?” Julie asked me.

“What?  Yeah, just tired,” I said, recovering from my shock.

“You don’t have to walk me home, if you just want to go to bed.”

“No, it’s fine.  It’s not far.”

We set off towards Julie’s house.  Fortunately Julie sensed the need for silence as we walked.

Heather was with someone!  I felt that I should be relieved that I hadn’t waited for her.  Why was I jealous then?  It was silly.  I had to shake myself out of it. 

“So I’ll see you at lunch tomorrow?” I asked, forcing a smile.

“Yeah, that sounds nice.  I’ll come by around ten?”

“Cool.”

We reached her house and stood awkwardly for a moment on the sidewalk.

“I had a really good time tonight,” I said.

“Me too.  Thanks for coming out.”

I leaned in and kissed her gently.  She seemed surprised for an instant, and then returned the kiss.  I broke it off before she got too excited, though, and she went inside, smiling and giving me a small wave.

On the way home, I was still somewhat conflicted.  I was feeling good about the way things were going with Julie, but also sad about seeing Heather involved with a boyfriend. 

After my reconciliation with Lara on the camping trip, I had been feeling amazingly refreshed about life in general.  There were still loose ends to tie up in my life, for sure, but I had been relaxed and happy these past couple of months.  

It was a good place to be, and as I walked up the steps to my aunt’s house, I decided that I had to go with what was, not what could have been.

The next morning I woke up feeling better than I thought I would.  Some pink still hung in the morning sky as I drew up the shades.  I knew what I had to do to get some closure.  I went out to the garage and gathered up my fishing gear. 

When I got to the foot of the pier, I wasn’t surprised to see another figure out on the end. 

I stopped and looked at her for a long time.  She was leaning on the rail, the vast sphere of dark waves stretching beyond her.  She looked so small and alone, far out over the sea.

I finally started the long walk out to the end.  Just like last summer, I thought, except we were both a little older, and maybe a little wiser.

As I approached, she heard my shoes clunking on the pier boards, and turned to look at me.  She said nothing as I approached.

“Hey,” I said, smiling in spite of myself.

“Hi,” she replied.

“So, you’re back…” we both said at the same time.

“Yeah,” we said, again together.  Then I laughed a little.

“It’s good to see you,” I said quickly.

“You too.  I’m… surprised to see you here.”

“Why?”

“Just because,” she said evasively.

“Well, I thought you’d be here this morning.  Why are you here if you didn’t think I’d come?”

“This is where I fish,” she said simply. 

I noticed that she wasn’t fishing, though.  Her rod was leaning against the rail, next to her. 

“All right,” I said, shrugging. 

I set down my stuff and prepped my rod. 

“Catch anything?” I asked, peering into her bucket.

“No.” 

She just watched me as I went about tying a hook on the line.

“What?” I asked, as I stopped and looked at her.

“Nothing.”

I went back to baiting the hook, wondering how to break the ice.

Last summer I had felt nervous around Heather, especially at first.  Oddly, this morning it seemed like she was the one caught off-guard.  Had she really thought I wasn’t going to come and fish after we had seen each other the night before at the party?  Maybe she really had come to fish alone.

No sooner had I cast in, a fish latched onto my hook.

“Well, look at that,” I said, as I reeled in a small fish.  I tried to keep my voice light, but I felt like I was trying to cut through darkness with a faint ember.

“Looks like you’ve been practicing,” Heather said.  She made no movement to start fishing.  Her mood was starting to disconcert me.

“Nah, I only fished twice since last summer, believe it or not.  Busy year.”

I quickly pulled in a second fish.  I was surprised, considering how bad my luck around her had been the previous year.

I looked at her as I unhooked the fish.  “Are you all right?  You’re not fishing.”

“I know.  I just didn’t expect to see you.”

Why were all the girls in Montauk saying that to me?

“I can come back later,” I said.

“No, that’s not what I meant.”

“So why are you surprised to see me?”

“Well, seeing as how you’re back together with Julie,” she said immediately.  Was there a slight twinge of envy in her tone?  It was probably just me, wanting to hear it in there. 

“Well, I don’t know about that,” I said dismissively.  She had seen me with her, but so what? “No strings,” Julie had said, and I was sticking to that for now.

I tugged on the line as another fish nibbled, but it was too soon and it got away.

“Oh, just missed number three,” I said, trying again to lift the tension.

“You never called me.”  There was no accusation in her voice, though maybe there was a touch of sadness.

I looked at her for a second.  It was strange to see her so vulnerable.

“I didn’t…” 

I was going to say “find your note until…” but then I changed course.  Mischief had crept into my head.  Maybe some gentle teasing would break the spell around her.

“…have your number,” I said, frowning.

“Oh…”  She stared at me.  “So you didn’t get my note?” she asked.

“Note?  What note?”  I was having trouble not breaking into a smile.  I raised my eyebrows at her, hoping she wasn’t seeing my ruse.

“I left you my number.  On your fishing license.  Didn’t you get it?”  She seemed suddenly frustrated.

“Oh, I got my fishing license.  Which, by the way, how did you get it in the first place?”

“I took it out of your box when I was borrowing your pliers,” she admitted. 

“Hmm.  That’s how you found out my name, obviously.”

“Yeah.”  Heather was disconcerted.  “But you didn’t see my note?  I wrote it on the back.”

“Must have missed it.”

She just looked at me for a long moment, before turning her eyes to the pier deck.

“I’m such an idiot,” she said quietly.

“What?”

“Nothing.  Forget it.”

Heather lifted her pole and cast her line into the water.  She looked sullen.  I started feeling bad for teasing her.  My heart started to race, as I wondered what was going on with her.

Another fish bit my bait, and I pulled it in.  It was a nice size.

“Number three,” I said, bucketing the fish. 

I looked at Heather.  Her eyes were missing their usual light.  It was time to end the game.

“You know, you better start catching, or I’ll be winning the contest this year.” 

I turned to her, and then added, “Heather.”

I watched her mouth slowly drop open.

“Matt, you… you…”  She sputtered some incoherent phrases out.

“I have no idea what you are saying,” I said nonchalantly, looking out at the water.  Finally some reaction from her, I thought, relieved.  I turned to her, smiling. 

My smile faded when I saw her eyes wet with tears.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, putting down my fishing rod.  I moved a few paces towards her, concerned with this turn of events.

“Nothing, nothing,” she said.  She turned away from me, dropping her fishing rod to the deck with a clatter.  The bent tip swung awkwardly a foot above the boards, as the line had caught on the rail.  She wiped at her eyes as I watched her, helpless.  What had happened?

“Talk to me.  What’s going on?”

She said nothing, just sniffed a few times and stayed quiet.  My insides churned as I desperately tried to think of what to do.

“Just go,” she said quietly.

“Why? What did I do?”

“Nothing…  I just need to be alone right now.”

I stood stone still for a long while, watching her shoulders move up and down.  I was afraid; my image of Heather had always included confidence and strength, and yet here she was reduced to tears and sending me away. 

“Heather…”

“Just go,” she repeated.

I let out a sigh, and then gathered my fishing gear quietly.  As I walked past her, I felt a hollowness in my stomach.  I almost spoke again, but felt that I had used up my share of words with her.  I didn’t want to make her any angrier at me, or whatever she was angry at.

At the end of the pier, I looked back once more.  She was once again leaning against the railing, fishing rod in hand, and looking out at the dark sea. 

The walk home had been difficult.  More than once I had started walking back towards the pier, only to turn around after a dozen steps.  I was hoping that maybe Lara would have some insight into the situation, because I sure had no idea what had just happened.  Was she mad at me for not calling?  That was my best guess.

When I got back to the house, all the adults were awake and had just finished breakfast.  They were having an animated conversation out on the porch.  Lara was in the kitchen, just out of bed and looking quite tired.  I watched her for a moment, thankful I had at least one person in my life who understood me.

“Hey, look, there’s some dishes for you,” I said, pointing to the breakfast remnants.

“Oh, fuck off,” she replied grumpily, unsuccessfully stifling a yawn.

I smiled despite my uneasy mood.  I turned on the water, and started washing breakfast plates.  Lara stood at the pantry, trying to decide what to eat. 

Suddenly, she gave me a sidelong glance, and then pointed at the sink with her mouth and sparkling eyes wide open.

“Oh my god!” she exclaimed.  “Did you...?”

“Shh!!” I cut her off, gesturing at our parents just outside the door.

I went back to washing the dishes, as she came up to me.  She gave me a tight hug.  I looked down in surprise at her smile, somewhat confused by her tender gesture.  It felt good though, after my rather uncomfortable morning.

“What’s that for?” I asked as she pulled away.

“Just happy not to be doing dishes,” she said, sticking her tongue out at me. 

“Oh, I thought for a second maybe you were happy for me,” I said with the most sarcasm I could come up with.

“Yeah, right!” she laughed.

I splashed some soapy water at her.  The jet caught her on the shorts, making it look like she had peed herself.  I laughed and pointed that fact out. 

She looked from the wet spot to me and back, and her face took on a “what-the-fuck?” look.

Somehow, she grabbed the sink sprayer and was showering me with water.  I splashed desperately at the basin as I fended her off, and she shrieked as water ran all over her.

We both stopped still when we heard a crash.  Somehow I had scooped up a glass in a handful of water and it had hit the floor, sending clear shards into the growing pool of suds.  Lara looked at me wide-eyed for a few seconds, and then we both started laughing.

“What the…?” I heard Sarah say behind me.

Lara and I were dripping wet, standing barefoot in a pool of soapy water and broken glass, laughing our asses off.  Soap bubbles were everywhere.  The cabinets had little white beards hanging here and there. 

Mom didn’t seem as pleased as we were, though.

“What the hell is going on?” Melissa said.

“Matt started it,” Lara said.

All four adults were now looking at us.  Hans and Beth were laughing quietly, and soon our parents were even smiling a little.  We must have looked ridiculous.

“How old are you two?  You’d think you just turned five, not fifteen!” Sarah chided, as she skirted the pool and went for some towels.  She came back and tossed us each one, and threw a few on the floor. 

“Oh great.  Glass...” she said with a grimace, as she heard the pieces crunching under the towel.  “If you cut your feet, you only have yourselves to blame.” 

She let out an exasperated sigh.  Eventually we extricated ourselves from the area without injury and headed for the bedrooms to change out of our soapy clothes.

“And no more water fighting!” Melissa yelled after us as we went down the hall.

Lara went into her room, and I went into mine.  I looked in the mirror.  A white blob of soap bubbles was quivering on my hair. 

At the moment that I walked out into the hallway, Lara exited her room too, with garments in hand.  For a second, we stopped, eyeing each other.  Then we both dashed the six feet to the bathroom door halfway between us. 

I banged into Lara as we both squeezed into the doorway.  Lara yelled as I grabbed her and tried to push her out into the hallway.  She clung to the door frame desperately as she tried to gain leverage.

“Hey!” came the warning yell from my mom. 

We quieted quickly and entered the bathroom, still tugging at each other for advantage.  No sooner had we closed the door, Lara punched my arm.

“Way to go!” she said with mock anger.  She started taking her shirt and shorts off.

“What?”

“Breaking the glass.  That was Beth’s favorite!”

“Oh, shut up...  It was just a dumb glass.  You were the one who got the house wet.  At least I kept it on you!”

I threw my soggy clothes into the sink, where they landed on top of Lara’s with a wet splat.  Lara had turned on the bath water.  As she sat to pee, I entered the shower.

“So, doing dishes, huh?  Something you haven’t told me?” she said.

“Shh.”

“They can’t hear.”

“Yes, they can.”

She finished peeing, and looked at me directly as she flushed the toilet.  That was forbidden, since it made the shower ice cold for some odd reason.  I jumped back, trying to aim the spray away from me as it turned frigid.

“You!”

“Hey, no water fights!  You heard Mom!” Lara said with a smirk, as I grabbed the shower head out of the holder and was about to aim it at her.  There was another brief standoff, and then I put the head back in its holder, as the water turned warmer again.

“Watch out,” Lara said, as she pushed me aside and got under the water.  She turned and squeezed the water out of her hair, thrusting her chest out at me. 

“What’s wrong?” she asked, teasingly.

My mood had turned uneasy again, though not so much because of Lara.  The events of the morning had crept back into my thoughts.

“I saw Heather this morning,” I said suddenly.

“What?  When?”

“I was up early and went to the pier.”

“And?  But wait, what about Julie?”

I considered for a few complicated seconds.  Where to start? 

“You know, let’s go out to the beach and talk.  I don’t want our parents to overhear anything.”

Lara considered this for a moment.  “All right.  I’m almost done.” 

She rinsed off her body as I watched.  James was a lucky guy, I thought to myself absently. 

After we were finished showering, we headed out to the beach in our bathing suits.  As we were walking out through the porch, Melissa cleared her throat dramatically.

“You’re welcome,” she said expectantly.

We stopped in the doorway.  We realized the kitchen was free of water and glass.  And beards.

“Thanks,” we said in chorus, feeling sheepish.

Melissa just smirked and waved us out the door unceremoniously.

The sand was starting to get uncomfortably hot, so we went straight into the waves.  They were aggressive this morning.  We tried to swim out beyond the white caps to gain a quieter float, but it was too rough.  A few times I had a scare as a large wave broke over me.

“You know, this is insane.  Let’s just lay on the sand,” I yelled, as we paddled between breakers.

“Too hot.  How about the pier?” Lara suggested.

I looked around.  I just wanted a quiet place to talk.  The difficulty of acquiring such a seemingly simple goal was starting to make me feel very frustrated.

“Bike ride?” I said.  I didn’t know where to go, but at least we’d be alone.

“Sure,” Lara shrugged.

We tramped up the sand again, and headed back into the house. 

“Waves are too rough,” I said, in answer to Sarah’s questioning look.

“We’re going for a bike ride,” Lara added.

After an eternity, we were finally on our way along the road.  We headed into town, for lack of anywhere else to go. 

The wind was heavy, and annoying.  Everything was annoying, I thought.  Finally I saw a shady patch of grass under some trees, so I steered over to it and dropped my bike to the turf. 

“Here?” I asked.

Lara shrugged and dismounted.  “You seem really tense all of a sudden,” she observed as we lay down on the grass. 

“Yeah.  I don’t know what the fuck is going on,” I said with desperation.

“What happened with Heather?  Seems like it didn’t go well.”

“No, it didn’t.”

I related the morning exchange to Lara.

“So when you saw her at the party last night, were you with Julie?” she asked.

“Yeah, I was.”

“Were you and Julie, like, together?”

“I think we were holding hands,” I admitted.

“Well, she’s probably jealous then,” Lara said simply.

“Jealous?  Why do you say that?” I asked.

“Think about it from her perspective.”

“She’s with someone, though,” I stressed.  “It was so obvious she has a boyfriend.”

“Fine, but forget that,” Lara dismissed with a wave of her hand.  “She leaves you her number last summer, and you never call.  Then…”

“But I…” I started to protest.

“Shh, let me finish!  I know your side.”

I shrugged and stayed quiet.

“You didn’t tell her that you didn’t find her note until just a few months ago,” Lara pointed out.

I thought for a second.  “No, I guess you’re right.  There was no time to get that in.”

“Well, okay.  So anyway, she gets back last summer, and hears that you hooked up with Julie while she’s gone.  Plus, she never heard from you.  Then you come back this summer, after Julie has clearly been going out with someone else, and you are suddenly back together with her.  I mean, that’s the very first thing she sees when you come out of the hallway last night!  I’d be shocked too.”

I sat in silence.  It made a lot more sense now.  “So this morning, she probably thought I didn’t call her on purpose...  Fuck, I’m such an idiot!  I never told her the whole story because she sent me away.”

Suddenly fear gripped me.  “Oh my god,” I said, “I hope she…”

“What?” Lara asked, sitting up, concern on her face.

I remembered the last time I had sent Lara away from me.  Things had not gone so well that night.

“You don’t think she would have done something stupid after I left?” I asked.

Images of her jumping off the pier flooded my head.

“What do you mean?” Lara asked.

“She was on the pier, angry, alone...  And she sent me away.  I don’t know.”

Lara looked at me seriously for a moment.  “I don’t know, Matt.  I don’t know her.”  She touched my arm.  “I wouldn’t worry though.  I mean, she was probably just upset to see you.  And going in all confident probably wasn’t the best approach.  Maybe it just threw her off.”

I looked at her with a wretched expression. 

“Sorry, bad word choice,” she said quietly.

I stood up, pulling her up.  “Come on.  I have to see if everything’s all right.”

“Matt, I’m sure…”

“Please, it would help me a lot.  It’s just right here,” I said, as I got on my bike.

“What’s right here?”

“Her fish store.”

We biked over to the group of shops.  My heart was racing.  Was I being ridiculous?  But then I remembered Lara saying she wished she hadn’t left when I sent her away.  As we approached, I told Lara to go in and see if Heather was there.  We set the bikes around the corner as I described her, and then Lara went down to Martin’s.  I waited anxiously. 

Fairly quickly, Lara emerged from the market and came up the sidewalk.

“So?” I asked nervously.

“It’s fine, Matt.  She was there, working the counter.”

“Are you sure it was her?”

“Yeah, some guy working there called her by name.”

I took in a large breath, and let out a relieved sigh.  “Thanks.  I’m sorry.   I overreacted, as usual.”

“No problem.  I’m just glad everything is all right.  Well, I mean that she’s…not…”

“Yeah, I know what you mean.”

“Do you want to go in and talk to her?”

“No, I don’t think that’s a good idea right now.  I’ll try and find her in a day or two.  Maybe she’ll have cooled off by then.”

“She’s cute,” Lara said, her voice turning lighter.

“Hey now!” I warned with a finger.

“What?  You’re with Julie now, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, but...” I looked at my watch.  “Shit, I almost forgot.  Julie’s coming over soon.  We better get back.”

We mounted the bikes and started back towards our Aunt’s house.

“So what happened with you and Julie last night?”

I let out a laugh.  “Well, you were right.  She has her claws in me.  I was all ready to sit back and watch you do dishes all week, and then she came along.”

“So what happened?” Lara asked again, excitement in her voice.

“The party was cool.  We had a few beers and drinks, and then Julie dragged me into a bedroom.”

“Dragged you, huh?  Sounds like you put up a real fight.”

“Oh yeah, a stiff one,” I said lewdly. 

Lara laughed.

“No, really, I didn’t want to do anything,” I continued.  “Not because of our bet.  I wasn’t really going to enforce my prize anyway.  But I wasn’t ready to just get back together with her so fast.  Not when there are so many things we haven’t talked about.”

“Are you going to bring me up with her?”

“I think I have to,” I said honestly.

“I think so too,” Lara agreed.  “I have to admit I’m still a little mad at her that she never told you.”

“Mmm.  So anyways, we’re going to have a nice long talk today.”

“Where?”

I laughed. 

“Yeah, I know.  It doesn’t seem like a day for quiet talking.”

“So, you never really said what you and Julie ended up doing last night, after your, uh, stiff resistance.”

“Aren’t you afraid of picturing me?” I said, mimicking her words from the other evening.

“No, I’m looking forward to it,” Lara said with a grin.

I laughed, and shook my head.  “I can’t take you anywhere,” I said.

“You don’t have to.  I can handle myself, thanks.”

“Yeah, I know,” I agreed.

“So?”

“So…she gave me a blowjob.”

Lara laughed wildly.  “Oh, I just love you, Matt!  The other night on the beach you’re all like, ‘I’m not getting back together with Julie, blah, blah, blah, blah-blah.’  And then a few nights later she’s sucking your dick!”

“Hey, you know how she is!” I protested.  “She just gives you that look with those big brown eyes, and it’s over.  You said as much yourself!”

Lara just smiled knowingly at me. 

“She really is beautiful,” she said, more seriously now.

“Yeah.  She’s definitely got it.”

“I wish I did,” she said distantly.

“What are you talking about?  You are totally hot, too,” I said, before I realized it.

Lara looked at me, wide-eyed and barely concealing a smile. 

“Did you just say what I heard you say?”

“Um, no.” I said, red-faced.  “Nothing of the sort.”

“Jeez, I never thought I’d hear you say that.” 

I glanced at Lara, and noticed that she was a little flushed too.  We were quiet for a while, riding the last stretch home.

“So when did you come to that conclusion?  In the shower?” Lara asked.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I said.

We put the bikes away and went around back to the porch steps.

“Did you –”

“Lara, let it rest,” I said. 

My tone was playful though.  Lara gave me a little nod, and we shared a private smile as we went into the house.

Forward to Chapter 12

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