Looking Through The Lens

http://www.asstr-mirror.org/files/Authors/ryansylander/www/

Chapter 8: Travelling Riverside Blues

Back Home

It’s funny how the smallest thing can make such a big difference in your outlook on life.  When you least expect it, in a most unlikely way, and in the oddest of places; something appears, and turns your view of a situation inside out.  Sometimes it can show you what really is important to you, dragging things out from some subconscious cave where they had retreated to hide, seemingly forever. 

Usually it happens right when you need it most.

The car ride up to the campground on Friday afternoon was quiet, as expected.  Actually, it was surprisingly tolerable.  My parents’ friends, Jamie and Reese, were already there, and had set up their camper.  I helped set up our stuff, keeping quiet and to myself. 

After things were settled, I took a brief walk to the Ausable River that ran past the campground.  Seeing the water flitting over rocks and a deep pool full of trout brought back some real feelings, which took me by surprise.  For once, I didn’t try to suppress them. 

I realized that I hadn’t fished in a long while.  Fall in the Catskills was prime fly-fishing time, and in previous years, several fishing trips in the season were normal.  But I had been busy writing Julie in the fall, I thought with a pang of sadness as I walked back to camp.

Lara and I were sleeping in the same tent.  It wasn’t an arrangement either of us liked, but that’s the way it was.  Lara said she would rather sleep in the car, but my parents threatened to lock her out of it.  I guess they thought sticking us together would create some communication between us. 

As we lay in our sleeping bags that first night, Lara was as distant as ever.  Oddly, I felt like reaching out to her again.  But when I mentioned how cool the river looked, she just grunted in reply.  It seemed unlikely that she would speak to me this weekend, so I didn’t press her further.

The next day was spent fishing in the morning, and reading when the sun got high.  Around four, I grabbed my spinning rod and tackle box and headed up the road to a different section of the river, where the water crossed under a bridge.  I was tying on a spinner when I heard a car pull up. 

“Afternoon, son,” said a man as he walked over to me.

I looked up casually at a wildlife officer in dark hunting glasses and sporting a thick mustache. 

“Afternoon,” I said, going back to tying my line. 

“Any luck today?” he asked, looking around the area, perhaps wishing he was angling instead of working.

“I got a few this morning, but I just got to this spot a few minutes ago.”

“This is a good hole,” he said, gesturing with his head. 

“Hope so.”

“Can I see your fishing license?” he asked.  “Just a routine check, you know,” he added casually.

Fishing license.  Oops!  I had completely forgotten to get one that morning. 

“Um... yeah, let me look,” I said evenly. 

I wasn’t too worried; he’d probably give me a warning, especially since I was just a teenager.  I would just have to pretend I didn’t know any better and act stupid. 

I opened the different compartments of my tackle box and made a show of looking, although I knew there was nothing to find.

He spoke as I flipped open the top flap of the box.  “Ah, there it is,” he said.

Indeed, there was a license there!  For a second I thought that maybe I had bought one earlier in the season, and forgotten. 

No…  It was crumpled up, and old.  Last year’s license, and now invalid, I realized, as I uncrinkled the paper. 

The stamp said “1989” in large numbers.  There was no way to pass it off as this year’s.

Memories flooded through me.  I remembered stuffing the license into that part of the tackle box the day the pier girl had returned it to me.  The same day she walked away.  The very last day I saw her…

“Can I take a look at it?” the ranger asked, a bit impatiently.  I realized I was still clutching the paper in my hand. 

Act dumb, I thought. 

“Oh, yeah.  Sorry.  Here,” I said, handing him the license. 

I stayed seated, staring at the ground as he scrutinized it.  A warm feeling was coursing through my body as I remembered those summer days catching fish with the pier girl.  Well, mostly she caught the fish, while I acted foolishly. 

I could almost feel her presence again. 

“Do you have a current license?” the man said, jolting me away from the railing of the pier in Montauk and back to the dirt riverbank.

“What?” I said innocently, looking up with a pretend blank expression.

“I’m afraid this license has expired.  It was for last seas…”

I have no idea what he said next. 

I sat dumbfounded for what must have been a minute, staring in shock at the paper that the man was holding. 

“Son, are you all right?”

“What?” I said, in a trance.

“I asked if you’re all right.  You look like you saw a ghost.” 

The ranger was looking at me suspiciously.

“I’m sorry, I just… I saw something I didn’t expect, on the back of the license,” I said hurriedly. 

I jumped up, regaining my senses a little.  I felt incredibly light, like I was dreaming.  He flipped the paper over, and turned it in the light until he could make out writing.

In faded but legible pencil lettering, something was written on the back of the license. 

“Matt, I had fun fishing and hanging out with you.  I hope we can do it again.  Call me!  --Heather Martin”  

There was a heart (a heart!) after her name and a phone number printed below.  The grey pencil lead seemed to shimmer in the tree-filtered light.

“Girlfriend?” the officer asked.

“No, no,” I said slowly.  “Just someone I knew a while ago, and… well, it’s a long story,” I said.  My voice must have betrayed my feelings, because he just grinned. 

“You from Ohio?” he suddenly asked, with some confusion in his voice.  He turned over my license to look at it again, presumably at my address.

I looked at him strangely, wondering what he meant.

“No, New York, why?”

“This looks like an Ohio number,” he said, flipping the paper over again and pointing to the number Heather had written.

“Ohio?” I said, completely confused.  “I think it’s Montauk.”

“I don’t know, son.  I have some family in Cleveland, and I’m pretty sure their number is area code two-one-six.”  I looked at the paper closely. 

That was clearly the area code Heather had written, but the man had to be mistaken.

“I don’t know.  This girl lives in Montauk.”

The officer just shrugged.  “So, do you have a current license?” he asked, handing me the old one back.

“I’m afraid I don’t,” I admitted.  “I don’t think I bought one this year yet.  Sorry.”

“Well, Matt, I don’t want to cut into your fishing afternoon, but you really need a license before I can let you fish.”

“Yes, sir,” I said eagerly.  “I’ll go get one right now.  I’m really sorry.”

“I appreciate it, son,” he said, clapping me on the shoulder.  “Good luck on the river.” 

He turned and walked to his car, and then turned back to me again as he opened the door.

“Your friend, does she like to fish?” he asked.

“She loves to,” I said.

“Well, I found my wife by a river, eighteen years ago.  It was my best catch, ever,” he said, with a chuckle.

I just nodded and smiled.  He nodded back smartly, and then got into his car and drove off.

Heather.  Heather Martin. 

I sat in the dirt for a good fifteen minutes, staring at the writing on the license.  How could I have missed it?  Idiot!  Obviously I must not have looked at the paper when I stuffed it in my tackle box that summer morning last July. 

As I thought about her note, I realized the ranger had been right.  The area code was not right for Montauk, as I knew from Julie’s number.  It didn’t make sense at first, but then it hit me:  she must have wanted me to call her at her relatives.  She had mentioned going to... Pennsylvania, or maybe she had even said Ohio.

Feelings of elation were mixed with thoughts of what could have been.  I couldn’t believe that I had not noticed her note.  She must think I’m an ass for not calling, I thought.  How long had she waited for me to call, before thinking I…  My heart sank, as I realized she probably thought I had not wanted to talk to her. 

Why hadn’t I expected this from her, and looked at the license that day?  I was so stupid. 

Then again, she was into playing games, so it was kind of her fault.  She could have just told me her name and asked me to call her, like any reasonable person would have done.

I felt like jumping around in celebration, but also like banging my head against a rock.  I was also a little surprised at my feelings.  Why was I so happy to know her name? 

But it was more than that.  After some time I realized that the fact that she had written this note meant that she had enjoyed her time with me.  All those insecurities about whether she had ditched me were completely unfounded. 

The feeling of missed opportunity was enormous.  If I had just looked at the paper that day, how would everything have turned out?  Would I have gotten together with Julie?  Would I have had to endure heartbreak?  Would my relationship with Lara be such a mess?  Would my life be so barren and desolate?

Just by missing one little sign.

I didn’t know what to do.  An emotional floodgate had been opened.  Along with the nostalgia, elation, and frustration that came with seeing Heather’s note, all the other feelings I had been holding back for months also reared up.  All those checks and balances I had so carefully built up to suppress unwanted feelings were swept away, like a toothpick pier by a raging river.  I was left flailing vaguely at the torrent flowing through me.

Finally, I got up and walked back to camp.  I felt an overwhelming need to talk to Lara.  I suddenly realized exactly how much I missed her friendship.  I was jittery, wondering how I would face my sister, and my parents, given the months I’d spent pushing them away. 

The car wasn’t there when I got back.  I spent a restless hour moving from chair to hammock to tent, and back again.  I was unable to stay still for more than a few minutes at a time. 

As our car approached down the pine-needle-covered dirt road, I was nervous.  I grabbed my book and pretended to read.  My parents and their friends got out and started unloading a few bags of food from the trunk.  Apparently they had gone into town to get some stuff for dinner.  My mom asked me to help as they started making preparations. 

“Where’s Lara?” I asked her, unable to suppress the urgency in my voice.

“Is everything all right?” she asked, concern on her face.

“Yes, fine.  I just need to talk to her.”

Sarah looked at me for a long moment.  Her expression was unreadable.

“I don’t know where she is.  She stayed here while we were gone,” she said.  “She’s probably at the river, or the game room.”

“Okay, thanks,” I said, as I started off towards the campground store.

“Matt, wait!  What’s going on?” she called after me.

“I need to talk to Lara,” I repeated over my shoulder.

“Well, we’re eating in a half hour, so make sure you’re back by then!”

I waved a hand in acknowledgement, and picked up my pace to a run.

When I got to the arcade room, Lara was not there.  There were only a few punks shooting pool.  I stopped to catch my breath, wondering where she could be.  If she was on the river, she would be hard to find.  Still, there was nothing else to do, so I walked to the water and started looking in on the fishing holes.  After ten minutes going upstream, I still hadn’t found her, so I went back to camp disappointed. 

As I approached, I saw Lara helping with the table. 

“Lara, can I talk to you for a sec?” I asked quietly, as I came near to her.

“Why?”  She continued working, and I followed her around awkwardly as she moved back and forth placing the plastic wear.

“I need to talk.  Can we talk?”

“I don’t want to talk right now.”

I let out a breath.  “Please.  I really have some things I need to say.”

“Well, say them then.  I can’t promise I’ll listen though,” she said dismissively.

“Lara, come on!  This is important!” I pleaded.

“Matt, leave me alone, all right?” she said angrily.

The adults were now watching our exchange.  A light breeze punctuated the tense moment of silence.  I looked at my mothers, but they didn’t move.  There was concern in their eyes.

“I said I don’t want to talk to you,” said Lara quietly.

Lara put the last few utensils down and walked off towards the river.  I got the impression that I should definitely not follow her.  I stood at the table, picking at splinters with a plastic knife, and avoiding the eyes of the adults that I felt were staring at me.  I was about ready to ram the knife through the tabletop.

“Matt?” asked Melissa, her hand on my shoulder.

I stood numbly, feeling foolish.  I vaguely saw Sarah walk off towards the river after Lara.  For a long while I said nothing.  Jamie and Reese went back to cooking dinner.

“I needed to talk to her.  I’m ready to talk.”

“Well, that’s good, Matt.  I’m happy to hear that,” my mom said cautiously.  “Why right now?  What happened between you two while we were gone?”

“Nothing.  I haven’t seen her all day,” I said. 

I wasn’t sure what to say next.  Finally, I mustered up some courage.  “I just feel bad about… about the way I’ve treated her.  And the way I’ve treated you and Mom the last few months.”

I could sense my mom release some tension as I said those words.  She took a slow, deep breath, and sat down at the picnic table.  I remained standing, feeling emotional, and still picking at the wood with the knife.  Mom reached out and stopped my hand gently.

“Matt, sit down.”

I sat next to her, eyes wet, studying the blue and white patterned flowers on the waxed paper plate.  The stupid design of this stupid plate... 

The flowers jumped out at me like I had never seen flowers on a plate before.  Someone had taken time to design and draw these soft petals and delicate stems, carefully capturing the essence of the flowers, placing them in the floral layout, and printing them up in pastel colors.  Then we just slopped food on it and threw the plates out, never to be seen again. 

In my mind I saw a mother carefully selecting just the right plate for her son’s birthday party, and then what?  Did anyone even care what she had chosen, as the plates became smeared with chocolate frosting and then were unceremoniously discarded in a large black plastic trash bag along with a ton of other shit?  What was the point of beauty, even stupid, stupid, useless beauty like the stupid flowers on this stupid plate in front of me, if we didn’t even appreciate it?

The world was such an endless waste, I thought through my tears.  I had wasted how much time being mad at Lara?  And for what? 

A tear dropped onto the plate, wetting the bouquet.

After a while, I started to calm down.  Melissa seemed unsure where, or when, to begin.  She just held my hand as I regained my composure.

At last, she spoke.

“This has been a rough time for all of us.  I know you have had some tough things happen to you this winter.”

I wondered what she knew.  She knew that Julie and I had broken it off.  But what did she know from Lara?

“It has been a difficult time for Lara, too,” she continued.  “We have been at our wits end trying to figure out why the two of you have been so irritated with each other.  Something happened between you two last January.” 

She paused expectantly.

“Mom, I can’t…” I started to say.

“Matt, it’s okay.  I don’t need to know what it was.  I haven’t needed to know.  What I want... What your mother and I want is for you and Lara to be happy.  If you have an issue with Lara, and if you can resolve it with her, then that’s fine,” she said, holding out her open hand.  “But what’s not been fine is this anger, this shutting-out of your family.”

I sat quietly for a while, digesting some of my thoughts and feelings.  Things were such a mess, I thought.

“I’m sorry,” I said.  “I was having a tough time, and I just couldn’t get out of it, I guess.”

“Why wouldn’t you let us help you?”

“I didn’t want to be helped.”

“Do you want help now?” she asked, looking at me intently. 

I stared at the plate. 

It was just a paper plate with a mass-produced design on it. 

I thought for a moment.  Did I want to come clean, examine my life?

“I don’t know,” I admitted.

“I think that, no matter what, if you get out what you need to get out, you will feel better than how you’ve felt these last months.”

“How are you so sure?” I said.  Some things seemed better left undisturbed.  It had become so instinctive to shut down any encroaching feelings for months, and now that reflex threatened to kick in again.  But for the first time, I was not welcoming it.

My mom put a hand on my shoulder.  “Whatever it is, your mother and I have probably been somewhere just like it.”

I was doubtful of that, but I didn’t say so.

“Listen, Matt, I think it’s great that you want to talk with Lara.”  Her voice was more animated now.  “I know she wants to reach out to you too.”

I wondered why she thought that.  It seemed like I was the last person in the world Lara wanted to see.

“I can just tell,” she said, seemingly reading my thoughts.

“Well, she obviously doesn’t want to reach out right now,” I said bitterly.

My mom smiled sadly.  “Do you remember our talk in the cabin a few months ago?”

“When you grounded me?” I said, wincing at the memory.

“Yeah, that.  Did you feel like reaching out that day?”

I stayed quiet, not sure what she was getting at.  I thought back.  Mostly, all I could remember was feeling detached from life. 

“I don’t think so.  I didn’t want to talk to you at all, back then.”

She looked at me for a moment, and then said, “I was thinking more about reaching out to Lara.”

Again, I cast around in my memories.  Yes... there had been a moment when I had wanted to talk to her.  But how did my mom know?  Or even remember?

“I guess so… I think I wanted to talk to Lara that afternoon, but I didn’t,” I admitted.

“Why not?”

“I don’t know.  I just wasn’t ready, I guess.”

“Well, she’s going through the same feelings you are.”

“So I have to wait until she’s ready?  How long is that going to be?”  I started feeling depressed.  Were Lara and I going to go around in a loop, always waiting for each other to be ready?

“No, I think she wants to talk now.  But like you, she is also very confused, and hurting.”  Melissa looked away towards the river, where Sarah was walking back to camp.

“Have you talked with her?” I asked after a pause.

“Some.” 

I could tell by her tone that it was probably more than “some.”  I felt slightly more optimistic that maybe Lara would talk to me, if my mom really thought it was so.

“What has she said?” I asked.

“You really should work this out with her, Matt.”

“How?”

“Let’s see what Mommy has to say.”

Sarah came over.  Her eyes were slightly red around the edges.  She and Melissa looked at each other for a few long moments, before Sarah sat down across from us.

“How is she?” I asked.

“She says she wants to talk to you,” said my mom, nodding.

“Right now?”

She nodded again.  “She’s waiting by the river.”

“What about dinner?” I asked.  I didn’t think our conversation would last only five minutes.

“Don’t worry; you can eat when you’re done.  This is more important than some corn and fish.”

I sat still, fidgeting with the cheap plastic fork.  The tines were all twisted and bent. 

Sarah took my hand in hers.  “Matt, she said it was okay if you came to talk.”

I stood up, avoiding my mothers’ eyes.

“All right.  We’ll be over there, then.”

I started off towards the river. 

“Matt,” called out Sarah.

I turned to look at her.

“We love you.  Both of you.”

I smiled a little and walked towards the sound of the rushing river.

INTERMISSION:

It was cold on the beach that day.  People were scarce, and the waves were small but angry.  Low clouds were being dragged across the sky like grey finger paint.  The washed out light made everything white. 

I was playing in the sand with my favorite Matchbox car, a Ford Escort decaled with rally-racing markings.  The car jumped up over the giant dunes, gracefully landing on the down slopes. 

Rrrrmmm...!

“Matt, come play with me in the water!” chirped Lara.

“No, I don’t want to.  I’m racing in the Paris-Dakar rally.”

“Please?  I’ll be your best friend forever?”

“No!”

“Fine! You’re mean!”

Lara stamped her feet, and ran away towards where our mothers and aunt lay on bright colored towels.

Rrrrmmm.  Oh, an accident!  The Escort was flipped over on its top.  The drivers scrambled to get out of the flaming vehicle.  Sand flew up everywhere, and the vehicle was buried by a sandstorm.  What would they do?  They would have to wait for their tow truck to pull it out.

Another engine sound was getting louder and louder.  I looked up.  A red plane was flying low over the beach, trailing a green flag!  I looked up in awe as the pilot of the propeller plane waved to me.  I waved back, jumping up and down, laughing giddily. 

I had to tell Lara!

I ran all the way back to where everyone was laying.

“Lara, did you see the airplane?  Did you see the airplane?”

She was looking after it into the distance.

“Yeah!  That was neat!” she exclaimed.

She ran off towards the water, arms outstretched to her sides.  I followed, echoing her engine sounds, so sure that if I could run just a little faster, I could fly after the plane.  Lara jumped over the first waves and skipped into the ocean, eventually being tripped up and swallowed by the dark waters.  I laughed to see her fall so.

“Lara, you’re silly,” I said, as she crawled out of the sea foam.

“No, you’re silly.”

We stood and looked after the plane.

“Where was it going?” she asked. 

The plane was but a speck in the sky now.

“Probably Greenland,” I said.

“Greenland?  No, I think it was going to England.”

“Nah, that’s too far away.”

“No, it’s not,” answered Lara confidently.  “Mom said that England is on the other side of the ocean.”

“That’s far.  The ocean is big.  England is far away.  If it was close I would go to watch the Paris-Dakar rally race.”

“Did you win the race?”

Fear suddenly gripped me as I looked up the beach.  In the excitement, I had forgotten about my car!  I ran up the beach towards where I had been playing with it. 

“Matt!” called out Lara behind me.

Endless white sand dunes.  And I had left it half-buried in the sand.  My favorite car.  I was so happy when I had gotten that car for my birthday a few days earlier, along with a real rally car magazine from uncle Hans.  And now it was gone.  I ran around, looking for it frantically, tears welling up in my eyes.

“Matt, what are you doing?” asked Lara.

“I left my car in the sand.  I can’t find it!” I said, fighting back the inevitable tears.

“I’ll help you find it, Matt,” she said cheerily, as she started looking around as well. 

I couldn’t believe it.  All because of that stupid plane.  I kept searching.  I was digging up everything white, with great hope, only to find it was just a shell or a pebble.  Finally, I sat down and cried. 

“Don’t cry, Matt,” said Lara, patting my back.  “We’ll find it.”

“It’s lost.  I lost it!  It was my favorite car.”

“You won’t find it if you don’t look!”

I just hung my head, as Lara went back to looking.  What was Hans going to think when I had to tell him I lost the car?  I was in despair.  Tear drops left little craters in the blurry white sand below me.

“Matt!  Matt!  Look!  I found it!”

I looked up at Lara through wet eyes.  She was running towards me, smiling brightly, and, unbelievably, holding a small white car in her outstretched hand.

She handed me the car and watched happily as I looked it over, shaking sand out of the beige interior.  I was completely overjoyed, and gave Lara a big hug.

“Lara!  You’re my best friend!”

“Forever?” she said with a smile.

“I promise.  You’re my best friend, forever...”

END OF INTERMISSION

When I got to the river, Lara was sitting on a slope of soft dry moss and dirt, staring at the deep pool of water before her.  Her black hair was swaying gently in the breeze, and her arms clasped her knees up to her chest.

I wondered if she was as nervous as I was.

I sat down a few quiet feet away from her, and looked at the river.  She didn’t acknowledge me, so I just sat still, trying to read her disposition.  Every now and then a trout swam lazily up to the surface and sucked a floating bug into its mouth.  If only my life was half as easy as that, I thought.

I didn’t know what to begin with.  I wished that there was some way of just making everything right, like it used to be.  But there were demons to wrestle with, and even though I was ready to face them, I didn’t know which to tackle first.

“Noticed you haven’t fished much this weekend,” I said finally, just to wet my dry mouth.

“Haven’t felt like it.”  At least she didn’t sound angry anymore.

“Mmm...  Mom said it was okay if I came over,” I said, in an attempt to test her mood.

“Yeah.  I’m sorry about earlier.  Some asshole in the game room was hitting on me, and I was in a bad mood.”

“That sucks.  Do you want me to go find him?”  I asked, trying to sound playful.

“No, that’s okay.  I kicked his ass for you, already.”

I laughed a little, and then took a deep breath.  At least she really was open to talking, it seemed. 

“I don’t know where to begin,” I admitted, picking at the moss vaguely.

“I don’t either.”

“I miss you.”

Lara was silent for a bit.

“Me, too,” she said in a whisper. 

I chanced a glance at her.  A single tear ran down her cheek, as she continued to stare at the river.

“How did we get here?” she asked with a broken voice.

This was the moment of truth.

“It’s my fault,” I said.  “I pushed you away, even after you tried to help me that night.”

Lara started to speak and then was quiet.  When she didn’t talk again, I went on.  I had to get things out before I lost courage.

“I’m really sorry for being such an asshole.  I feel terrible about the last few months,” I said.  “I just couldn’t snap out of my depression, you know?  Every time I thought I should talk to you, I just couldn’t do it.  Instead, I said mean things, and…  I can’t go on like this, though.  I want to go back like things were before.”

“We can’t just go back,” Lara said.

My heart fluttered.  “Why not?”

“You hurt me.  I hurt you.  We can’t just erase that.”

I started feeling uneasy, since her tone was dark and somber.  I watched another fish eat its dinner.

“I know we can’t erase it, just like that,” I said.  “I guess I meant that I want to be your friend again.  Don’t you think we can do that?”

“But what about what happened?” she asked.

“Well, can’t we work through it?”  I tried to make my voice sound hopeful, although I suddenly didn’t feel so hopeful. 

Lara turned and looked at me.  Her face was streaked with shiny wet lines.

“What about Julie?” she said sadly.

“What about her?” I asked, frowning.  “It’s over.  You read the letter, right?”

“I mean the other thing.”

Ah, yes, the other thing, I thought.

“Look, I won’t lie to you,” I said.  “When you told me that… that you and Julie had been together, it was hard.”  My voice sounded strangled as I said words that didn’t really mean what I felt.

“I know,” she said, turning back to the water.  “I should have told you sooner.  But I didn’t want to ruin what you had with Julie.  I didn’t want to risk what would happen if I told you.”

I knew exactly what she meant.  How many times had I lied or withheld information, because the possible consequences of telling the truth were too frightening to risk?  The time with Julie in my room and her leaving through the window sprang to mind. 

“I don’t know what would have happened if you had told me earlier,” I admitted.  “Things would have been different, for sure.  But that’s over, you know.”

Lara looked at me again.  She appeared to resolve herself to something.

“I want you to tell me how you felt.  Honestly,” she said.

“About you and Julie?”

“Yeah.  The truth.  What you thought of me that night.  What you think of me now.”

“I don’t know, Lara.”  I didn’t want to push her away with my ugly thoughts.

“I want to know.  I have to know.  It’s the only way we can work this out.  Tell each other everything.”

I sighed.  This was what I wanted, difficult though it was.  Now was the chance.

“All right.  I just want to say, first, that I wasn’t in a good frame of mind that night.  So I think that I maybe overreacted.  Okay, I definitely overreacted.  Just keep that in mind, okay?”

“Okay.”

“So, I had a bad band practice that day, and Carl and Brian had been bugging me about Julie not writing for a long time.  I was seriously worked up about it.  So when you told me about you and Julie, it was really just more fuel on the fire.”

Now the hard part.  I took a deep breath.

“When you told me, I felt betrayed.  I didn’t think I would ever be able to trust you again.  I don’t know exactly why I felt that way.  I guess my relationship with Julie was totally changed.  I thought I had shared something with her.  Something special, like we had... discovered some incredible mountain vista together on a hike.  Then later I found out that she had already been there with you.  And with John, too!  And… and no one had ever fucking bothered to tell me that!” 

I realized my voice was becoming heated, so I paused and collected myself.

“In some ways what made it hard was that it was you,” I continued.  “John, I could have handled.  But you...  You and I had talked about me and Julie, you know…  And about you and James, and...  And I guess I thought we were all kind of doing the same things at the same time.  But all that time, you had already been with her.  It made me feel like a little kid, stupid and knowing nothing…”

Lara was crying silently.  I felt bad for having to tell her this, and I wanted to hold her, but I wasn’t feeling strong enough to embrace her yet.

“I was angry at you, and I couldn’t get over it for a long time,” I said, shedding a tear of my own.

“I’m so sorry, Matt,” she said through quiet sobs.

I picked at the moss.  “I’m sorry, too.”

I wondered what was going through her head as she cried for some time. 

“Do you want to hear my side?” she asked.

Did I?  I felt a strange curiosity at hearing Lara’s side of the story, but also some fear.  But the truth was slowly coming out on the table, so we might as well let it all out.

“Like you said, ‘tell each other everything,’ ” I echoed quietly.

“If it bothers you too much to hear this, then stop me,” she said, looking at me seriously. 

“Okay.”

She wiped her face with the hem of her shirt, and then lay down onto the moss.  She stared up at the trees for a long while before speaking.

“The summer before last, Julie and I started, well, experimenting.  She kind of started it.  It just kind of came out, after talking about sex, and, well, eventually we found that it was fun to… to…”

She stopped, fidgeting with a button on her shirt.

“You can say it,” I said quietly. 

I didn’t feel the aversion I’d thought I would, talking about them being together. 

“I’m sorry, this is kind of awkward.”

“It’s okay.  I want to know what happened.”

Lara took a breath and continued. 

“We started doing things together.  We both liked it, a lot.  Neither of us had been with a guy yet, you know.  When we got back home at the end of the summer though, I was really worried.”

“Why?”

“I really liked being with Julie.”

“So?”

She paused, and then said, “Well…  I was worried that I was a lesbian.”

I didn’t say anything.  I knew the connotations that that word had amongst teenagers.  It wasn’t something to be open about, at our age, in our small community.

“But I felt so good with Julie,” she continued.  “I mean, our parents are that way, and I thought maybe it runs in the family or something.”

I never really thought of my mothers as lesbians, mostly because I had completely avoided thinking about what their physical relationship was.  But in the back of my head I supposed that it was there.

“Then when we went back this summer, Julie and I got back together again right away,” she said slowly.

I took a breath, surprised at hearing this.

“But she told me about John, and how different it was,” Lara continued.  “I could tell that she had liked being with him.  I felt a little jealous that she had been with a guy when I was gone, and so that’s when I started hitting on James.”

“So you hooked up with James just to get back at Julie?” I asked. 

Lara’s story was starting to parallel Becky’s too closely for my comfort.

“I don’t know,” Lara said, waving a hand.  “Maybe at first, but I ended up liking James, for his own sake.”

Lara was quiet for a moment.

“So what happened then?” I asked somewhat uneasily.

“Julie and I still got together when she stayed over the first week.  But I could tell she had her eye on you, and she told me so after a few days.  And that made me feel a little jealous too, at first.  But since it was you, I didn’t mind so much.”

Lara rolled over onto her side and watched me.

“When the two of you hooked up on the pier that night,” she went on, “everything seemed to be working out.  I liked James, and you and Julie seemed like you were having fun.  So I told Julie that night after we went to bed that we should tell you about us, and Julie said she would do it.”

I mulled her words over.  There was so much that had been going on, and I had been oblivious.  I couldn’t really see any signs I had missed, but then again, if I had missed them... 

“Did you and Julie, you know, do anything after she and I got together?” I asked.

Lara didn’t answer.

“Look, it’s all right if you did,” I said honestly.  “It doesn’t really matter anymore.  I just want to know what was going on.”

Lara paused for another moment before speaking.

“That night she wanted to.  I guess you got her really excited.  S-so we did fool around.  But that was the last time, I swear.  I told her the next day that I couldn’t do this with her, behind your back.  She thought so too, so that was the last time we did anything like that together.  She still said she would tell you about us.”

“She never did,” I said. 

There was much more to Julie than met the eye, I realized soberly.

“I didn’t know that, so I always kept waiting for you to say something about it to me.  I thought maybe that our last night there, you had found out and that’s why you were mad at me.”

I let out a small, sad, laugh at how differently we could all see the same situation, the same facts.  We merely look at everything through the lens of our deepest fears.

“No.  I wasn’t even mad at you.  I was just mad at myself, for being an idiot at the tennis courts.”

I leaned back onto the moss, propped myself up on my elbow, and looked at Lara.  Some of the closeness I used to feel with her was returning.  It grew even more when she gave me a sincere smile.

“Matt, you don’t know how much I’ve missed you.  Even through all the fighting and ignoring we did, I still hoped that I would get my best friend back one day.”

I didn’t know how to answer.  I hadn’t had those feelings of missing her most of the time, during our falling out.  Usually I wasn’t feeling much at all.

“I’ll be honest, Lara.  I was really walled in, and it was only today that I realized how much I missed you.”

“Why?”

“Just something stupid that happened.”

“Tell me.”

“No, it’s retarded.”

“Matt…” she said, with arched brows.

I realized there were things I didn’t know about Lara, but then there were things she didn’t know about me.  We weren’t that different, after all.  Perhaps even the best of friends still kept some secrets.

“Remember when you came into my room, that night, before you told me about you and Julie?” I asked.  “We were talking...”

“Yeah, you were talking about Julie and asking if she was worth the trouble.”

“Well, before that, I was going to tell you about something else.  Something I haven’t told you about.  I asked you if you had ever met someone who made you feel incredibly alive?”

Lara thought for a moment.  “Yeah. I sort of remember.  So?”

“I wasn’t talking about Julie.”

Lara shrugged.  “Who then?”

“The first week we were in Montauk, I met someone on the pier when I was fishing.  I never told you.  I actually said it was a dude who played guitar, but it wasn’t.”

“Oh, yeah,” Lara exclaimed, recollection spreading across her face.  “I thought something was weird with that!”

“Anyway, this girl and I fished together for the first week.  We just hung out.  It wasn’t a big deal.  But I felt such a connection with her!  I can’t explain it.  Like we had known each other forever.”

“What was her name?”

I laughed.  “There’s the funny part.  If I had known her name back then, we probably wouldn’t be here.  We’d be home partying while our moms were up here doing the same.”

Lara looked at me questioningly.

“By the way, I don’t think our mothers are lesbians,” I said quietly, looking around.  “They were together with Dad for a long time.  I think they are bisexual,” I said conspiratorially.

“Yeah, so what?  That just means they’re lesbians and they also like men.”

I hadn’t thought of it that way.  “Hm.  Well, maybe my point is that they don’t just like women, only.”

“Okay.  I guess maybe it does run in the family, then.  I like both too.  But Matt, you have to swear never to tell anyone, okay?”

“Lara, we both know that neither of us will ever tell something like that to anyone.  I am still amazed that you never told our parents about me that night.”

“We promised we’d never tell on each other,” she said with conviction.

“I know.  But I’m still impressed.  With everything going on, anyone else would have run for help.”

“Why did you go to the stash that night?” she asked, with a more subdued tone.

I sighed.  I didn’t want to revisit that.  Especially right now, when I was feeling the bridge between Lara and I being slowly repaired.

“I…  That’s something that I don’t know if I can talk about right now.”

“Okay.  But we said we’d tell each other everything.  You promise to tell me sometime?”

“I will.  It was an ugly night after you left.  I found Julie’s letter right after.”

Lara just nodded sadly.  “So tell me about the girl from Montauk, then,” she said.  Her voice was brighter again.  “You were saying about her name?”

“Yeah, so I never found out her name while I was there.”

“Never?  Why didn’t you just ask her?”

“When I finally did, she wouldn’t tell me.”

“That sounds mean.”

“It’s kind of my fault,” I admitted.  “I pretended like I didn’t want to know, as a joke, you know, and then she took that and ran with it.  She knew my name though.  It turns out she found my fishing license, or took it when I wasn’t looking, or something.  Then she gave it back to me the last day we fished.” 

I was again thrown back into the memory.  “She was going away on vacation and I never saw her again,” I said, quietly.  “I was pretty sure she ditched me or something.”

“So she never told you her name then?”

“No, I didn’t know until today.”

“Today!  You saw her, here?” Lara asked animatedly, sitting up a little.

“No, I wish!  But when I was fishing, a game officer asked to see my fishing license.  So I pulled my old one out, and right there, all this fucking time, on the back of the license, that girl had written her name and a phone number!  She had wanted me to call her, and I never saw it!”

Lara laughed out loud.  “Matt, you are retarded!”

“I know!  I couldn’t believe it.  Arrgh!  I don’t know how I didn’t see it.  I was kind of upset that she hadn’t told me she was going away until two minutes before she disappeared.  So looking over my license when she gave it back wasn’t exactly my priority at that moment.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me any of this?” Lara asked, as she laughed some more.

I asked myself the same question, considering how good it felt to share the story with her now.  “I don’t know.  I guess it would have sounded weird that I was thinking about this girl even though I was with Julie.  It didn’t seem right.”

“I guess.  You still could have told me.”

“I know, but you could have told me about you and Julie too.”  I regretted that as soon as I said it. 

Lara looked down at the moss. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that,” I said apologetically.

“It’s okay, I deserve it.”

“No, Lara, you don’t.  You have always been my friend, and you don’t ever deserve to be treated badly by me.  I’m the one who deserves to be yelled at for being such a dick.”

Lara smiled and some of the life returned to her face.

“Matt, let’s just leave the yelling behind.  This whole thing started because we didn’t talk to each other when we should have.”

“I know.  I don’t know why I didn’t tell you about Heather back then.  I should have.”

“Heather is her name, then?”

“Yeah.  Her family actually owns the fish market Mom likes to go to.  You know, Martin’s?”

“Oh, yeah.  Cool.”

Lara looked past me.

“Mom’s coming,” she said quietly.

“We can talk more later, but we should probably go eat,” I said.

“Yeah.  I’m starving.”

I stood up, held my hand out to Lara, and pulled her up.  I looked over and saw my mom watching us as she slowed to a stop on the path.

“We’ll be there in a minute,” Lara yelled.

Melissa waved and turned back to camp.

“I’m really glad we talked,” I said.

“Yeah, me too.  Let’s not ever do this again.  I’ve never felt so bad in my life.”

“Me neither.”

Lara pulled me into a hug.  I could feel her body shudder a few times, and I felt tears wetting my neck.  My eyes were watery, too.  Warm waves spread from my middle and pushed through my limbs and head, sweeping away some anxiety and tension.

Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Melissa turn to watch us for a moment, before she continued back to camp.

Lara and I hugged for a long time.  At last, she loosened and we pulled apart.

“Hungry?” she said.

I nodded, and put my arm around her shoulder as we walked back up to camp. 

The dinner table was lively.  No one said anything about Lara or me.  My parents and their friends were telling vivid stories of when they were younger.  My mothers both seemed like they were in good moods. 

Lara and I ate quickly, and then excused ourselves.  The adults seemed happy to let us go.  They were definitely feeling the beer and wine they were drinking, and probably happy that Lara and I were speaking again. 

We went back to the river, taking two folding camp chairs through the pine-scented darkness.  The night was just beautiful; a light breeze kept the warm air fresh, but not too cool.  The stars were brilliant in the absence of any moon. 

“So,” I said, as we settled into our chairs.

“Want one?” asked Lara. 

She poked my arm with something.

“What is it?” I asked, taking a cold bottle from her hand.

“Beer.  I lifted them from the cooler, earlier.”

“Nice, thanks.” 

“I was going to drink them alone tonight, but now I’m happy to share,” she said.

I tried to twist the cap off, but it didn’t seem to work.

“Did you get an opener?” I asked.

“No.  They’re not twist tops?”

“Nah.”

“Shit, that sucks.  I’ll go back and get my knife.”  She stood, but I held her arm back.

“No, just give it to me,” I said confidently, taking her beer.  I felt around on the ground for a sharp rock, and with a deft thwack knocked the cap clean off of her bottle.

“Did you open it?”

“Of course, what do you think?”

“Aren’t you mister smooth!” Lara said, and sat back in her chair.

I took my bottle up and struck it with the rock.  It didn’t go as well as Lara’s, since the cap only partially dislodged.  An umbrella spray of beer shot out at us, and then the bottle foamed over around my hand.

“Matt!” squeaked Lara as the spray of beer hit her.

“Shit,” I said, hitting the cap again and sending it flying.

I put the bottle to my lips quickly, and drank until the foam was under control.  Lara laughed as she wiped her face.

“Okay, I take it back.  Not so smooth.”

“Must have hit it wrong…”

“Must have,” Lara agreed.  “Next time I think I’ll get my knife.  Cheers…”

“Cheers.”

We took a long drink of our beers.  There was some silence as we sat still, occasionally sipping from our bottles.

“So, that night...” I said.

Lara didn’t speak.

“It was a pretty bad night,” I added, fumbling for a start.

“Matt, you don’t have to tell me now.”

“I might as well, I’m feeling all right.  I’ll just get it over with.”

“Well, okay.  But you don’t have to.”

“I mean, there’s really not much to tell.  Basically I wasn’t expecting to hear that you were with Julie, and that John had been with Julie, and all that really didn’t sit so well.  I don’t know, I guess at the time it seemed like the end of the world.  I overreacted a bit.”

“Then you found the letter from Julie.”

“Yeah, after you left.  That was kind of the last straw.”

“So why did you go to the stash?” she asked quietly.

My stomach suddenly felt a little tight.  I sat in silence, wondering what to say. 

“I don’t know exactly.  Everything was so… crazy.  I wasn’t really in control of myself.  I…”  I stopped to regroup my thoughts.

“Matt, can you tell me something?”

“What?”

“When you went up there, were you going to just drink a little... or a lot?”

I thought for a moment.  I knew what the answer was, but I didn’t know how to say it without possibly scaring Lara.

“A lot,” I said, finally. 

I had to trust that Lara could handle the truth.  I wasn’t sure if I could, though.  I was feeling uneasy, as memories of that night were materializing more strongly than I liked.  Lara reached out and held my hand.  Hers was slightly wet.

“Listen, Lara, I don’t want you to ever think that you somehow caused me to go up there.  It was totally my choice, and really, the whole thing was just a bad, bad day.  Hell, if you had told me that you and Julie had been together any other day, I would have been fine with it...”  I paused for a moment.  “Well, you know what I mean…  We would have worked it out.  It was just a shitty day with Carl… and the whole thing with Carmen was going on… and Brian was being a dick… and Julie’s letter… and everything else...”

I squeezed her hand, both offering and searching for support. 

Now was the time.

“I owe you my life.  I don’t know what would have happened if you hadn’t shown up.  I might not be here, or maybe I would.  For a long time after I woke up that next morning, I wished I wasn’t alive.  I wasn’t ready to face everything that I thought had gone wrong in my life.  I took it out on you.  Yeah, you were part of the list of people I felt angry at.  Like I said earlier, I did feel betrayed.  Like you’d cheated on me.”

Lara was gripping my hand tightly, and I could almost hear her tears running down her face.

“But I obviously overreacted,” I continued.  “It wasn’t your fault you had been with Julie.  So you told me on a bad night, so what?  I didn’t have to freak out over it.  But I didn’t want to face the things that were happening.  Somehow I lost control of myself.  I don’t want to ever do that again.”

I finished, almost whispering, “I need your friendship.”

Lara suddenly got up out of her chair and threw herself on my lap, crying onto my chest.

I held her close for a long time.  My heartbeat was racing, and my mind was still strewn with memories of that night.  I sat still, wondering what Lara was thinking.  It felt strange to have opened up to her tonight.  One part of me felt naked and exposed, and another felt deeply connected to her.  It was a scary sensation, and I wasn’t sure yet what I thought about it.  Finally her crying subsided, and my adrenaline started returning to normal. 

A hungry fish splashed the surface of the unseen river.  Then all was quiet again, as we breathed together.

“Matt, do you promise, that no matter what, if we ever hurt each other again, that we will talk to each other before doing something we regret?”

“Yeah,” I whispered, barely able to speak.  “I’m sorry I sent you away that night.  Maybe things would have turned out differently.”

“I didn’t know that you were having such a rough time, or I wouldn’t have left.”

“Yeah, I know.  Next time, just beat some sense into me before I do something retarded.”

Lara laughed a little.  “You, too.  You know, sometimes, you make a simple little mistake.  Then it blows up into something so big, later.  I mean, I so should have told you about me and Julie, earlier.”

“I know, I know.”

Suddenly, there was a weird movement, and then we were lying on the ground.  Lara was on top of me, still curled up with her head on my chest. 

Evidently the chair had collapsed.  We sat completely and silently still, for five long seconds.  Then we started laughing. 

We laughed quietly at first, but after we heard each other, we couldn’t stop.  Lara rolled off of me, and onto the moss.  We laughed and cried and laughed some more.  We let out all the day’s tension, and all the last few months’ tensions, also.

Finally, Lara sat up with a sigh.

“I’m exhausted,” I said, suddenly feeling tired.

“Yeah, me too.  I feel like I haven’t slept in months,” she said.

She stood and pulled me up. 

“Thanks,” I said earnestly, as we hugged.

We gathered up our chairs.  We finished our beers with a couple of long swigs as we walked back to our tent. 

There were still many things to work out, with so many people, that I felt overwhelmed. 

But at least I was talking to Lara again, and that was a huge step out of the hole I had dug myself. 

The tent was dark, and everything was completely quiet, save for the rustling of high pine needles.

“Matt?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you remember once in Montauk, when we were at Aunt Beth’s, and you lost something in the sand?”

“Um, maybe.  When was it?”

“It was a long time ago.  We were really young.  There was a plane flying on the beach, and then you lost... a car, I think.  And then I found it for you in the sand.”

“Oh, yeah, I remember that!  I think I still have that car somewhere.”

“For some reason that memory just popped into my head.  I don’t know why.”

“I don’t know either.”

“Oh well, just thought I’d share.  Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Lara.”

Forward to Chapter 9

Back Home